lindamorellato: feeling of impending doom

[lindamorellato]

I hope this is the correct place. I am a 45 year old Mother of two. I was introduced to antidepressants in 2001 when I had a terrible bout with postpartum depression after my second child.

 

I believe I had PPD due to a child with colic, a husband that worked full-time and was going to school two evenings a week and Saturday's. And a beautiful and active 3 year old son to tend too as well and NO HELP.

 

I had little to no sleep and my sleep cycle was so disrupted that i didn't know what end was up. I asked for help from the mid-wife that helped me deliver my son.She said she coulnd't help me and to go to the ER.

 

I asked to go to the hospital as I am a counselor myself and thought that was the safest thing for me. I was immediately put on effexor. Within four days I was imagining hanging myself 24/7 and was extremely frightened.

 

I told the staff that the drugs were causing me to feel this way and was told repeatedly that that could not be so. No one would listen to me. I stayed in the hospital for about two weeks long enough I guess for my brain to adjust.

 

I stayed on the meds from Oct. 2001 to Nov. 2002. I then went off and on them and for the next 4 years mostly off.

 

In 2007 I was hospitalized again after I tried to put myself back on antidepressanats because I thought i had PMDD. I have bad PMS symptoms.

 

In 2009 in February after one year off antidepressants my 12 year old nephew was killed in a tragic car accident. I literally collapsed. I could not cope. I sought counseling, and was urged to go back on antidepressants but i refused for 6 months and then had another tragedy.

 

I caved in and started the antidepressants yet again. Again, 4 days into the meds, I had to go to the hospital where i would be safe from hurting myself. Again, told that It was NOT the medications but me. Was I depressed, yes probably, who wouldn't be after seeing and experiencing the devasting loss of my dear nephew. How do you recover from that kind of loss?

 

I was told that not only was I depressed but I was severly mentally ill and bipolar type II to boot.I promised my husband I would never go off my medications ever again.

 

But now I am 22 pounds more than I weighed then, have high cholesterol, crave carbohydrates,have no sex life to speak of. What I did in the summer was exercise, change my diet and literally forgot to take my medication everyday and felt OK. SO I went off my mood stabilizer and seemed ok.

 

I've been off my loxapro since Dec.15. I am still on seroqel but cut back to 50 mg from 100 mg. I can feel myself spiraling out of control at times. Noise, excessive noise botheres me. My anxiety is bad. IS this the place for help? I am so so glad to have people who can understand me. I am desperate for people to talk to me. Hear other's experiences. Thank you.

Edited January 23, 2013 by Altostrata
added paragraph breaks for readibility

[Altostrata]

Welcome, linda.

 

Whew, you've been through a lot.

 

Your nervous system might be sensitized by going off Lexapro too fast. How did you go off? Did you reduce Seroquel at the same time?

[lindamorellato]

I cut down my seroquel about 6 months ago. I stopped the lamictil cold turkey. The anti depressant, I would honestly, get so busy after work in the evenings that I would forget to take it four days in a row then remember to take it two days in a row. Then off five days than on three like that. Finally in December I was feeling sort of bad and said you know what Linda, start taking your lexapro and get on with it. so I took a dose and had a massive anxiety attack. Frankly, it was like being on the psych. ward all over again. I told myself either off or on. I didn't mention in my introduction, that I am adopted . I've been told my whole life that I am strange, mentally ill etc. and bought it all. I've gradually over a two year period separated from my Mom and brother (the two main perpatrators of this lie). I am not Mentally ill. I was raised by two very selfish people. I lost my adoptive father when I was 12 after he died I was not even permitted to talk about him. My mother was an absolute control freak everything had to be perfect. I grew up with her thinking she was a perfect person and getting screamed at constantly was because I was inheritly bad or wrong. I felt deep inside becaue i was adopted I was just not right. I was deficient and told I was less than always. I am 45 and finally see the light. I am not a bad person, or evil or mentally ill. I bought in to the mentally ill diagnosis. I am very strong. How could i not be strong with all I've been through.

[Altostrata]

It sounds to me like any of your psychiatric diagnoses are questionable.

 

I can feel myself spiraling out of control at times. Noise, excessive noise botheres me. My anxiety is bad.

I'm concerned about this because these could be withdrawal symptoms. But you've dropped several drugs, so it's impossible to say which one could have caused it.

 

You might want to hold on any more drug decreases for a few weeks.

 

Do you have any lamotrigine left?

[lindamorellato]

I do have an entire month's worth of lamotrigine left. 100 mg. But my doc told me I can't go back on that (I didn't tell him I am tapering off meds)They told me I'll be on these the rest of my life. Do you think I should cut them i half? The thing is the lamotrigne is in meltaway form. I was haivng a lot of migraine and vomiting for the past 2 years and asked for it to be in this form.

[peggy]

hello linda, welcome to the forums.

 

I don't want to add to much in the way of suggestions, but wanted to say that it sounds like you have had a really rough ride. It is not uncommon to get suicidal thoughts when starting psych meds - it is unfortunate that most Dr's don't recognise this. The fact that Dr's just keep adding more medications makes my blood boil.

 

Many members have been on multiple meds and have been slowly and systematically reducing. I am sure you will be able to do the same.

[lindamorellato]

What I notice that I seem to always have is the feeling that the other shoe is about to drop. I mentioned before that I lost my father at age 12 and had no family support in regards to that. In 2009 I lost my 12 year old nephew to a car accident. So I feel some of my feelings are based indeed on fact. What I am noticing however, as I am withdrawn three weeks from AD and Mood stabilizers is the feeling is overwheling at times. I cry very easily and have a very unreal feeling. I feel it's going to come, the next tradegy and how will I cope this time. I was off medication for 8 months and not doing well when I lost my dear nephew. Does anyone feel this way or did anyone feel this way? How did you cope and will it go AWAY????? Thank you. Again, to the creaters of this group, thank you,thank you, I am not alone in this.

[strawberry17]

Lindamorellato I merged your last post with your topic so it's all in one place, but I know I've given it the whole thread the wrong title now - sorry

Can you tell me what your thread was called and I'll change it back (or another mod will if they see it before me).

[Altostrata]

I do have an entire month's worth of lamotrigine left. 100 mg. But my doc told me I can't go back on that (I didn't tell him I am tapering off meds)They told me I'll be on these the rest of my life. Do you think I should cut them i half? The thing is the lamotrigne is in meltaway form. I was haivng a lot of migraine and vomiting for the past 2 years and asked for it to be in this form.

 

Why did your doctor say you couldn't go back on lamotrigine?

 

How long have you been off lamotrigine?

 

Coincidentally, a whacking headache and nausea are indications of a lamotrigine dosage that's too high.

 

The meltaways are designed to be put in a liquid, is that correct? If I were you, I might put a 100mg tablet in 100mL of water and take 12.5mg with an oral syringe, see http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1122-tips-for-tapering-off-lamictal-lamotrigine/

 

This may take the edge off your withdrawal symptoms. After stabilizing on the lamotrigine, I would carefully taper off Seroquel, see http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1707-tapering-off-seroquel/

[Karma]

What I notice that I seem to always have is the feeling that the other shoe is about to drop. I mentioned before that I lost my father at age 12 and had no family support in regards to that. In 2009 I lost my 12 year old nephew to a car accident. So I feel some of my feelings are based indeed on fact. What I am noticing however, as I am withdrawn three weeks from AD and Mood stabilizers is the feeling is overwheling at times. I cry very easily and have a very unreal feeling. I feel it's going to come, the next tradegy and how will I cope this time. I was off medication for 8 months and not doing well when I lost my dear nephew. Does anyone feel this way or did anyone feel this way? How did you cope and will it go AWAY????? Thank you. Again, to the creaters of this group, thank you,thank you, I am not alone in this.

 

Hi Linda

 

Yes, when I went through withdrawals a year ago last fall I felt like my fears were sitting just at the edge and anything could trip them. I had irrational fears that my husband would leave me, I would lose my job, we would lose our house ... and all of this because I made a mistake in a spreadsheet at work (which evidently just tripped my trigger). I learned that these are neuro-emotions http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/137-neuro-emotion/.

 

I coped by writing down my fears and identifying what the worst thing that could happen was and identifying a more rational response. I took one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time ... and I got through it - you can, too.

 

Love and light,

Karma

[lindamorellato]

Thank you for the suggestions. I am going to try that with the lamotrigine but no way am I going back on the antidepressant. I got off and I want o be off them. I have been working a lot of overtime and I will have enough money to pay to go to Hypnotherapy for anxiety. I've wanted to do this for years. I bit the bullet and my appt. is for February 15th. It's a three hour appointment and they show you how to reinforce and you are given a CD of your session and must do it 21 times in 40 days. I used hypno birthing for my second child becaue i dodn not want any pain medication. The power of the mind is great because I had a 9 pound 2 oz. beautiful baby boy with ZERO drugs during labor and delivery. WHy on earth I surrendered my mind to drugs is beyond me. I am silently cursing myself daily. I'm in a bit of a pickle aren't I. Fear is abundant. I will need to see my doc huh and tell her what I am doing. I don't expect a lot of support. I am severly mentally ill. How am I working full-time then? How am I caring for two kids and a home if I am so batcrap crazy. My heart aches. I thank you for your support.

 

I started another topic It was feeling of impending doom. Thanks for merging it here.

[Barbarannamated]

Linda,

 

Impending doom and waiting for the other shoe to drop describes my experience exactly. I did not taper properly and have other significant stressors, also. It takes me much longer to recover from any stresses.

 

I hope you're feeling better soon.

[lindamorellato]

I jsut don't want to have another "break down". Which is what happened after my nephew was killed. I feel like I know myself much much better now. I know who is and who isn't supportive to me now. I know I am a strong person. I know that medication can do a number on your brain and I can't deny that.

[Altostrata]

Any doctor can write prescriptions for psychiatric drugs while you are tapering. If you feel you have better rapport with another doctor and need a prescription, you might talk to that doctor.

[lindamorellato]

Should I go back on the Lexapro and then try top taper. It will be a month since I went off. I was forgetting to take my medication for about 15 out of 30 days from let's say October to late November. I figured I would just stop since I took one pill on Dece.ber 28th and proceeded to have an anxiety attack like the onces I had while hospitalized. What shoudl I do is it too late to start taking maybe a 10.mg dose? I'm scared. I am talking way too much at work I sound frantic all the time and wish to punch people and go into fits of anger over minor things. These drugs are the devil incarnate.

[Jemima]

How much Lexapro were you supposed to be taking when you stopped it completely? This is going to be some guesswork due to your going on and off many times over several months. And please be advised that there's no guarantee reinstatement will work, although it seems to be your best shot at stabilizing. Once stable for a period of time, then we can talk about a slow taper.

 

When you have time, please enter your psychiatric drug history in the Signature area of your profile, like so:

 

How to put your withdrawal history in your signature

 

It's a good idea to add a link to your Intro topic there as well.

 

Also, I moved your most recent post here to your original Intro topic. To continue adding to it, scroll to the bottom of the page and click on the "Add Reply" button. Only one Intro topic to a customer. This way it serves to keep your fellow forum members updated on your progress and as a journal for you. It's helped me to be able to go back and see how far I've come on those days when I feel discouraged.

[lindamorellato]

Thank you.

[Altostrata]

If I were you, I'd try reinstating lamotrigine instead -- less chance of it being activating. After so long, it's possible Lexapro will make anxiety etc. worse for someone whose nervous system has been sensitized by withdrawal.

[lindamorellato]

Thank you! OK how much? I ahve 100 mg. meltaway tabs. Can I cut them in half?

[lindamorellato]

Am I asking questions in the right place? Someon suggested I go back on a small dose of Lamotrigine. All I have on hand is 100 mg. of meltaways? Can i cut them in half?

[Altostrata]

lindam:

 

....

The meltaways are designed to be put in a liquid, is that correct? If I were you, I might put a 100mg tablet in 100mL of water and take 12.5mg with an oral syringe, see http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1122-tips-for-tapering-off-lamictal-lamotrigine/

 

This may take the edge off your withdrawal symptoms. After stabilizing on the lamotrigine, I would carefully taper off Seroquel, see http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1707-tapering-off-seroquel/

 

Making a liquid will enable you to better control your dosage.

 

With reinstating lamotrigine, you need to start low and slowly titrate up to avoid an allergic reaction. (12.5mg may be enough.)

[lindamorellato]

Thank you!

[lindamorellato]

OK so I took my 100 mg. meltaway tablet and put it in 10ml of water and disolved it. I took the amount you stated above. So how long whould I do this? I am going to call and see my doctor and ask her to give me a much lower dose in a table not a meltaway form. What strength should I ask for? Again, thank you so much. You are a voice in the wilderness hekping to keep me sane.

[tezza]

Hi Linda,

 

You could get 25mg tablets and cut them in half for 12.5mg. The pills are tiny, so you will need a pill cutter, if you don't already have one.

 

Welcome to the forum!

 

Wishing you well,

 

Tezza

[lindamorellato]

Thank you. Thank you, thank you.

[Altostrata]

Please be careful about the dilution. Did you put 100mg in 100mL or 10mL? How did you measure 12.5mg?

 

Read this topic. It includes the available dosages for lamotrigine

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1122-tips-for-tapering-off-lamictal-lamotrigine/

 

25mg tablets are available by prescription, as are 5mg tablets.

[lindamorellato]

ok i put 100mg tablet in 10 ml of water and then too 6 ml of the drug. I had a shot type syringe, one taht you'd administer children's tylenol in. Was that too much? My doctor's first appointment isn't until Feb. 7th.

[lindamorellato]

I should be more careful correct?

[Altostrata]

If you put 100mg in 10mL of water and then took 6mL, you have taken 60mg of lamotrigine.

 

I had suggested putting 100mg in 100mL of water and taking 12.5mL or 12.5mg.

 

Check to see the size of your syringe. It would have been a large syringe to take 6mL.

 

Yes, you will have to be much more careful.

[lindamorellato]

Ok thank you. the syringe said 12 ml was the entire suringe so I cut that in half. I'll be very careful tonight when I take my dose. Thank you. Ugh! I was nervous.

[lindamorellato]

the siringe is about 4 inches long total. So I had the wrong mesurement. I am not so swift with numbers. I feel like a fool.

[Altostrata]

Try this: Put 100mg in 25mL of water. Then you have 4mg in each milliliter.

 

Take 3mL, that will be 12mg.

[lindamorellato]

I'm sorry to keep posting on the same thing. My son has Hemophilia, I have to intravenously give him clotting factor, and I have a box of 100 sterile syringes, that say they are 10 ml syringes, so Tonight I am going to put my meltaway 100 mg lamotrigine in 100 ml of water then fill the 10ml syrings I have and take that. That sounds right. Thank you.

 

Linda

[Nikki]

Hi Linda,

 

All of the feelings, thoughts and reactions are something I have gone thru like so many others here as a result of WDing from psych drugs. I gained weight from Lexapro, it's notorious for that. Getting off Lexapro had me in a state of uncontrollable crying like you mentioned in addition to weight gain.

 

I have not taken the other meds you have been on, alot of others on the site have.

 

You have a bad reaction to Lexapro, why bother with it again. Effexor it seems was bad for you too.

 

Please believe that you will be okay. You have gone off psych meds and your symptoms are common and a direct result of them. You have had loss in your life and loss (for me) causes anxiety and a depression/sadness or sense of hopelessness.

 

My mother used to tell my brother and I that we needed psychiatrists when we were just being kids. It had a profound effect on me. I have carried that mistaken belief for a long time.

And then when I had a meltdown I thought "Oh no I really am crazy." Terrible shame.

 

I am not crazy, never was. We were hurt. And there is recovery for that too

 

You are on the right road and you'll feel better over time. Hypnotherapy sounds great.

 

Hang in there....

[lindamorellato]

Nikki, that you for the reply. I hope this is the area to share stories.

 

When I was 16, I remember very well,it was a summer evening. My father died when i was 12, and my brother went off to college 3 months later,6 hours away,threemonths afer that my bext doo neighbor and best friend moved to Australia with her family. I went from a very tiny elementary school to a big middle school where two school districts merged.

 

Oh that was 4 months after my father died. I was lost and I imaginne pretty depressed.

 

After my brother went off to school my very controlling mother yet, neglectful in many ways, paid no attention to me. I never was able to talk about my father or anything. It was as if only she and my brother lost him.

 

Because I was adopted the prevailing thought was what did I have to cry about I was "saved" by her. I had no one to talk to. I can remember about two years after he died sitting in the kitchen it was early fall and looking out the kitchen window, into the darkness thinking what do I have to live for. That scared me to death.

 

Becasue I knew inherently that my Mom did not have the skills or even care to hear about my feelings. I kept it a secret for another few months. Finally a few months later, I begged my mother to get me help. She took me to a psychiatrist about 30 minutes away. She almost resented "having to get me help". He was not so good. He missed everthig that was going on. I went every week. After about two months, he said that I needed to start coming three times a week to talk. I talked to him about it and told him my mother would never agree to that because that would be far too much driving for her. So i begged him to let me continue once a week but he said either three times a week or nothing.

 

At the same time I had started taking voice lessons. My mother put it to me this way, you have to choose one or the other you can't have both. Money was not an issue my father left her well off. So the three times a week was moot.

 

Well, going to see a psychiatrist was the beginning of the stigma by my mother and brother. I got the message that it was because I am adopted and not of their genes something was wrong with me.

 

OK so this may be even TMI, but my periods were not regular and I had/have some pretty bad PMS or hormonal shifts. My mother an brother are extreme narcissists and would baut me at every chance they could and then say I was crazy. So when I was 16, and a few days before my period, they baited something awful and I ran out of the house, screaming and in my night gown. So my fate was sealed, i was whacko. The very next night on the tv show 20/20 there was a show about a new medical diasnosis, called Pre-menstral syndrome. I was like whew that's me. But my mother said that never happened to her she never had PMS therefore it doesn't exist and Linda is crazy. That was the beginning.

 

It was always, don't talk about DAD don't talk about being adopted, be happy, put a smile on your face. It was Mom and brother nasty to me at home, sweet as pie when in public.

 

IS it any wonder they say I am bi-polar. But I am Not bi-polar. I agreed to it because after four days on lexapro I was cycling wildly from crying to happy. I argued that I did not have any of the symptoms of bi-polar type II. I was branded uncooperatrive. I had fought and fought.

 

But I was in the hospital for the third time and I desperately was scared and wanted to feel like the suicidal feels would stop. I wanted to desperately to go home to my husband and kids. I felt such shame for beign in the hospital for the third time. All caused by antidepressants. I am branded now. No one believes me. My husband and one friend know I am trying to withdraw from the medications. Thank you for reading my story.

 

Linda

Edited January 26, 2013 by Karma
Added paragraph breaks for readability

[lindamorellato]

I read the Peter Breggin book in spring 2008 when i decided to go off Lexapro and trazadone in April 2008 to June 2008.

 

OK so I was off them in June 2008 while on an extended vacation in summer 2008. Once I went back to work August, 2008, I was crying all the time and extremely paranoid. By January 2009 6 months off the lexapro and trazadone I was raging mad all the time and very negative and very paranoid. I now know after reading on this site that was probably way too fast going off those medications.

 

On February 25, 2009 my nephew was killed in a terrible car accident whhile he was on his way to a weekend trip with friends. That shock set something off in me. I cried constantly. I had started going back to therapy, literally that morning, for all the raging I was doing in January. My therapist, whom I really really liked, tried over and over again to get me to go back on my lexapo and trazadone. I told her that I was off it long enough, 8 months, that going back on would have disasterious consequences. She saido it would be fine. She did not believe that medications did not cause one to be suicidal and if I felt suicidal it was becasue i was suicidal.

 

OK so i saw her from February until June, 2009. IN june I did something really really stupid. I looked up my old boyfriend on facebook. I broke it off with him fright after high school because he was very controlling. It was gut wrenchingly hard for me to brake it of with him and i had many unanswered issues with him. We connected with each other in June over facebook. I was so vulnerable and he kept talking to me and urging me to leave my husband. I was in such a state of depression over my nephew that I thought of leaving my husband. But I would cry and cry becasue I love my husband and children so much I could not imagine leaving them.

 

My old boyfriend was very coercieve just as before when we were young. only he had perfected his manupulaiton. I kept trying to stop talking to him but he would say jsut talk to me one more day. Then it was please call me once and then we'll end it forever. I said yes. Then it was let's just talk a few more times then we;ll wnd it forever. It was the forever, i just couldn't lose another thing. In my mind I wasn't thining atraight.

 

I kept thinking I could go back to being like we were 18 again, and I could run away from the incredible grief of losing my nephew and my children's and husband's grief. In essense I was incredibly selfish. The talking went on for three solid weeks. I could not sleep well or eat much for the deception. My husband didn't suspect anything. He is a wonderful man who didn't deserve any of this.

 

Finally I agreed to see him. He drove the three hours to Pittsburgh to dop off his children. We met at a park and held hangs and kissed. But I wanted to end it. He kept saying things like he wanted to leave my husband. I came home and never told my husband anything. I woke up the next morning adn confessed it all. I was crying and crying and crying.

 

I called the therapsit and got in to see the psychiatrist and started the meds. that day. This was July 9th. My brother was married July 11, and by then only three days on the lexapro, all I could think of was I was going to kill myself. I could not eat or sleep or move or talk. I had already lost 11 pounds over the three weeks of talking to my old boyfriend.

 

By the 5th day on the Lexapro I begged my husband to take me to the psych. ward again. For my protection. I was scared I would go up to my roof and jump off. That's all I could think aobut. It was so scary. I signed myself in and they took my bra and underwaer off me and put me in hospital clothes and put me by the front nurses station becasue I told them i was scared of myself to be alone with myself for even one minute.

 

By the 6th day on the antidepressants they had convinced me and my husband that i was in desperate need of a mood stabilizer, becasue i was bi-polar. clearly a woman who would contact her old boyfriend and see him and kiss him was bi-polar. Even in my state I was scared to take another medication for fear it would kill me for sure. I then was told I should take an antipsychotic. I fought that for another week. They gave me geodon. After one day on that I felt like I was balancing on a ball and I had horrific headaches and threw up for most of one morning.

 

But I went to every group session they had and every art therapy session, every exercise session. Becasue I hear on my last two times there that if you rested or stayed in bed and didn't participate they'd send you home for failure to participate. If they sent me home in that state I knew I'd kill myself. It was as if it was a done deal and was out of my hands.

 

I would sob unbcontrollably when i thought of my two sons, who were 7 and 11 at the time. I fought to get back to them. I got out and they switched my geodon to seroquel and i guess my brain started to adjust. I was scared to be alone, and thank God my husband is a teacher and it was July he was home with me. I was scared to even take a bath without him being right outside the door. I still felt like killing myself. I had a panic attack every morning. My heart would pound out of control and I would swallow a thousand times.

 

I promised my husband that I would not talk to my boyfriend but i kept right on talking to him. I would drive to the hospital out patient program and oncce a week take enough coins and talk to him on a pay phone for about 30 minutes. I was so dumb. He was playing me like a violin. It was all a game and he was just like my family. Saying one thing doing another. Every time i woul try to break it off he's say I ruined his like like i did before.

 

But the dumb thing was I sought him out after I was hospitalized. Becasue my husband called him and said i was in the hospital and to leave me alone. Why I felt fot his terrible terrible manipulative guy was beyond me. I thought he was someone he was not. I can't even describe how a person would take advantage of a person who was as veulnerable as I was at that point. This guy was an immature baby no different than he was at 18 and I thought some dumb stuff.

 

I finally broke it off after a long time. He helped me see what true evil was. what true love and loyalty is (my husband is the true embodiment of love and loyalty). I was dumb, and dumb and stupid. He used me and as eveil as I was I had a good heart. I didnt want to hurt him again, but he had no heart to break. That is my story. I want to be past this all. I want to find who the real Linda is.

 

Moderator Note: Linda please provide paragraph breaks in your text to make it easier to read.

Edited January 26, 2013 by Karma
Added paragraph breaks for readability