lindamorellato: feeling of impending doom

[Barbarannamated]

Linda,

 

Oh my friend, you have been through hell and back a few times over. I'm so sorry for the grief and terrible treatment you've endured and from such a young age. My heart aches for you.

 

I'm very glad to hear that you and your husband are together and strong. Many marriages are destroyed by these drugs because people act so differently and unlike themselves. You are not evil; you were under the influence of strong drugs. Try not to beat yourself up or add guilt to the mix.

 

I'm glad you found this group. The people here have been my sole support through a very tough time.

 

Hang in there.

 

Hugs.

B

[Karma]

Hi Linda

 

It is fine to share your story here because others can support you.

 

I'm sorry for the abuse you suffered at the hands of your adoptive family. I believe that a child, whether adopted or biologically part of the family has the right to expect to feel loved, supported and that her needs will be met. I'm so sorry you did not have that.

 

I hope that you can forgive yourself for your mistakes and start anew. It sounds like your husband is truly a blessing in your life. You might think about forgiving your family and former boy friend so that you can let go of the past. In my experience by forgiving I become free to move forward - if I hold onto a grudge it holds me back, not the other person.

 

How are you doing with the lamotrigine? Are you able to take the 12 mg Alto recommended? How are your symptoms?

 

It appears that you are reading this site on a mobile device, I encourage you to find a computer to read this site because otherwise you may miss some very good information.

 

Please include paragraph breaks in your text. I've edited two of your previous posts to include paragraph breaks so that they are easier to read. Text that is all bunched together is difficult to read.

 

Karma

[lindamorellato]

Thank you karma. hmmm, I am on a desktop now and I wrote from my laptop last night. I think I am able to see everything OK

 

Thank you for your reply. I know I need to let go of the hurt and anger. I have to still protect myself from my Mother and brother. I feel like I am in a very precarious situation. Sort of half in and half out. Whenever I am around them i slip backwards into self recrimination and self hatred.

 

I took the suggested lamotrigine lat night so that's two evenings in a row. I feel a tiny bit more able to cope. I see my doctor on February 7th, at which time I will atell her what I am doing in terms of withdrawing from these medications. I am going to ask for 50 mg of seroquel and work on slowly decreasing that. I am going to ask for 25MG tablets of lamotrigine and stay on that until I have comfortable withdrawn from the seroquel. I had a little talk with myself last evening and decided that however long this takes is how long it takes. I have to do this correctly this time. so no rush. Thank you again for your support. This is my lifeline.

 

Linda.

[Barbarannamated]

Linda,

 

I relate to the difficulty you are having in forgiving and letting go of past hurts. When there has been no acknowledgment, apology or resolution of the problem, it's difficult to move past, especially if those people are in your life (as your family is) and continue with their abusive patterns. B

[lindamorellato]

They are firmly conviced, if I ever voice an opinion oppositeof their's or sate a fact about myself, that I am crazy. They have already told me due to my different genetics I am flighty, overly emotional, not like them, and therefore flawed. I don't know how to get past that 45 years of ingrained thought process. I almost feel I become myself, and who knows what that is, I will have some horrible fate befall me. I thinks that's not correct thinking. I need to stand on my own two feet. I am so glad for thsi site and for going to a hypnotist in three weeks. It's all part of my recovery from my past.

[hippopotamus]

Dear Linda,

 

You have been through so much in your life. Although I dont know an awful lot about medication, I do know a bit about traumatization. You have been traumatized repeatedly, beginning in your youth.

 

Adoption is not without its consequences. To be separated from your biological mother is traumatic in itself. Also in case you have no conscious memories of the fact.

 

But thats not all. You were also placed in a family which couldnt provide with the necessary emotional safety, connection and warmth. Now that's a really bad way to start your life.

 

These things and the other things you have written about have almost certainly been traumatic. The thing with traumatic experiences is, that if you dont fully resolve them, they can give rise to a myriad of emotional and psychiatric complaints. (Strangely enough, years can go by in which you are doing fine. Then, when something happens that triggers the old trauma's in a way, you can start to become overwhelmed with complaints. And sometimes, an identifiable trigger doesnt even seem to be necessary).

 

The complaints that trauma's can cause include (but are in no means limited to)anxiety, panick attacks, depression, irritation, somatic complaints, aggression, concentration-problems, sleeping problems, tics, feelings of anger, shyness, desperation, feelings of impending doom, etectera. The list is almost endlessly.

 

Now another thing you may want to consider is the fact that side and withdrawal-effects from the meds you are off and on could very well start to interact with the complaints that you have because of your trauma's. Trauma can destabilize your nervous system to a great extent, which could make you more susceptible to side and withdrawal-effects from meds. At the same time, the side and withdrawal-effects you experience can trigger old traumatic stuff. For example it can (subconsciously) remind you of very painful experiences like being out of control, of not being able to trust people, of not feeling safe, etcetera etcetera. This can become a cycle in which effects of trauma and meds start to increase eachother.

 

Now do you have a good therapist who recognizes the impact of your background?

 

I would really recommend to you to start reading about traumatization. It can be a great relief to start to understand more about your complaints and give you tools in hand to start to help yourself.

 

Here are some book-tips about books that really helped me in making sense of and gaining control of my all over the place symptoms:

 

Waking the tiger - Peter Levine (you should really get this one, because it also gives you tools in hand to start to work with yourself)

 

The body remembers - Babette Rothschild (this one gave me tremendous valuable insight in the different ways trauma's are stored and subconsciously remembered)

 

Trauma and recovery- Judith Herman ( a classic)

 

Not crazy- you are not mentally ill - Charles Whitfield (explains why you dont suffer from bipolar disorder, but from traumatization and bad medicine- effects)

 

If you look for the om Amazon, you can also find other books that might be of help to you.

 

Hold on girl! You sound so very brave, I'm sure you'll get through this. And feel free to ask for help!

 

hippopotamus

[Altostrata]

Great suggestions, hippo. If you have a chance, your contributions of these and other book suggestions would be welcome here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1445-recommended-books/

[hippopotamus]

Ok, I'll do that when my head is a little clearer

[lindamorellato]

I requested a Charles Whitfield book from my local library. Not his latest but one he wrote in 2003, called the Truth about Depression. Thank you for the other suggestions as well.

 

Linda

[peggy]

Hi Linda,

Phew, what a roller coaster life you have had. I am so sorry that your suffering has been made worse by the medical profession!!!!

 

A note on your mother - she sounds just like mine. I found a lot of help in a book called "Will I ever be good enough? - help for daughters of narcissistic mothers" by Karen McBride. Ever sentence i could relate to, it was like - this is me, this was my life!

 

My mother was also controlling and denied all our feelings - if i ever felt anxious and worried, I didn't get reassurance, but ridicule - "don't be ridiculous" - or even worse she would say, stop thinking like that or you will make it happen!!!!

 

I have had to go back and do a lot of my own mothering.

[lindamorellato]

Peggy that's funny you mentioned that book! That's how I found out what my Mom and brother are all about.I've read the book and am on a private facebook group for daughter's of narcisstic mother's.

I have been staying off the website as sometimes when I am on there too much it helps feed into my anger It was the 33 questionaire that I found on google in fall 2010, that said; is this your mother. Finally a lighbulb went off.My mother is very ignoring unless she thinks something is wrong, then she feeds off my pain. I misinterpreted it as caring. When I was suffering, each time, I would call her thinking she could or would help me and it turned out she seemed to actually be enjoying me pain.

 

Now whenever I have showed her any anger, she always say's in a very facke caring tone, "you are taking your medicine aren't you?" I am so tempted to say I am not on any medication and nor have I ever been. I want to shock the **** out of her. The thing that I have to let go and get OUT OF MY HEAD, is that she and my brother (he's 50)talk everyday and they talk about me being crazy. I know this becasue he has let it slip on the rare conversations we've had.

[lindamorellato]

I took my 12.5 of the melted lamotrigine and about an hour and a half later started freaking out on my husband. I feel really angry, is this normal? I'm scared. My husband was watching a show called Ripper, about Jack the ripper taking place in England and a woman was geting tortured. I started screaming at him to turn it off. I've also been swearing a lot the past week. I feel like the switch to for tact is not working in me. What is going on?

[Altostrata]

I doubt that is related to taking 12.5mg lamotrigine. Withdrawal can make us hyper-reactive emotionally. Do what you can to stay calm and not over-react.

[hippopotamus]

Like Alto says, the withdrawal can make you emotionally hyper-reactive. That doesnt mean that your reactions and emotions are meaningless. Just that they're more easily triggered and get more easily out of hand than they would otherwise.

 

So I would suggest that if you're bothered by your emotional reactions,to also take the things that apparently provoke them seriously. So there is a possibility that the stuff your husband was watching somehow resonated with painful things you yourself have gone through.

 

Or maybe not, and you were just really appalled by what he was watching.

 

Take care Linda. Have you thought about starting to do mindfullness and / or yoga-related practices? If you search on the internet, you can probably find some good exercises and tips to help you deal with extreme emotions.

[hippopotamus]

And again, the angriness you're talking about, being easily provoked and out of control emotionally, these are very, VERY common symptoms in reaction to trauma. I would really suggest to you to start reading 'waking the tiger' and other books about traumatization. This will give you more insight into what's going on, it will reassure you and it will give you tools to start o tackle your problems.

[hippopotamus]

Also, it is obvious that you are starting to deal with the relationship with your mother and brother. You are reading stuff about it, you are venting about it here on the forum, you are becoming aware of what kind of people they actually are and how they have damaged you (and are still trying to damage you, from what I read).

 

When you are in such a kind of process, it is very natural for anger to show up. The only problem with it is, that you feel uncomfortable with the way the anger is pouring out. Also, I can imagine your husband isnt to pleased with a wife who snaps at every little trigger.

 

But here is what I want to say to you: Please, dont start to pathologize yourself and the vehement emotions you may experience. Dont let anyone tell you you are bipolar, or borderline, or whatever other label they would want to pin to you.

 

You are not sick. There is nothing wrong with you. You have every reason to be mad, to be furious. To be anxious, panicky, emotionally labile. This is the way that people react to horrible, traumatic things. It is normal. It is life.

 

Having said all this, I do think you need to find ways to start to cope with your emotions. Ways that preferably dont make them more extreme than they already are, but that allow you to really start to connect with the underlying pain that they're about, in a safe way, that makes you feel you're in control. I have asked you this before, but will ask it again, do you have a therapist that you feel safe with and understood by and who is knowledgeable about traumatization?

[hippopotamus]

You may also want to consider to start doing some physical exercise if you feel physically well enough.

 

I used to go skating whenever I felt angry or over the edge. It really helped me to get rid of all the energy that would build up in my body and to feel more in control and at peace.

[lindamorellato]

Ok Thank you everyone. I was so scared.I am so glad to hear that it's not the 12.5 of the lamotrogine. I need to start exercising. I had a wonderful therapist but she is connected to the practice that my psychiatrist is in. She is all about medicine. I may need to 1.find someone new. 2.tell her while I appreciate her concern I want nothing but therapy, thank you very much.

 

I will get the book waking the Tiger asap. I will request it from my library or buy it on my husband's tablet.I needed to hear that I am not mentally ill. I know I can't have bi-polar disorder. I don't even have any of the "symptoms".

 

Can i ask again, am I doing the right thing? Getting back on 12.5 of lamotrogine, then, cutting back on the seroquel very, very slowly? I need to get it straight in my head. I think I will feel better if I know my exact plan and follow it.

[Nikki]

Linda I really appreciate your honesty. It let's all of us know we are not alone.

 

The situation with your old boyfriend was surely started from getting off lexapro. Getting off Lexapro can cause bouts of mania. I had it. I knew it was the drug most of the time.

Thank heavens you are past that.

 

I remember a post where Barb, Karma and few others had me laughing when I asked a question like

"does anyone have a healthy family" the responses were hilarious because it was laced with such dry humor

 

I am in Al-Anon (a 12 step program for people who have been affected by an alcoholic. My former spouse was a verbally/emotionally abusive alcoholic).

 

Step 4 is where we do a 'searching and fearless moral inventory'. It is like writing an autobiography. Very painful, lots of crying to a Sponsor (someone else in the fellowship who takes you thru the 12steps).

 

Reading your story made me think of this. You are doing an inventory and it is fearless. It takes courage to face this type of pain. You are alot stronger than you think

 

The best part of an inventory is sharing it out loud. That is where the healing begins.

 

You go girl. Find a good therapist to take you thru this journey. It is important that you stabilize on medications so you can lower your anxiety, relax and feel better. Stablize first.

 

Now for the story: I don't really care to talk about this. Somehow situations present themselves so we can have further healing.

 

When I was a little girl, my mother, brother and I would be playing cards or something, and my mother would wink at my brother who was a youngster and then she would tell me I was found in a garbage can, dropped off there by a Chinese woman. My mother told me I was adopted. I used to go to pieces as a little one, crying and insisting that I was not adopted and left in a trash can by another woman. I used to cry that my mother and father were my parents. This happened maybe four or five times.

 

She would start laughing, my brother would start laughing and she would tell me it wasn't true, it was a joke. And then do it all over again. WTH. As I am telling you this it is somewhat raw once again.

 

And now I am sitting here knowing why I walked around feeling like "I never belonged". In addition to not feeling safe and secure which I still have.

 

Crazy stuff happened when we were kids. Al-Anon helped me, for the most part, be able to leave alot of the past in the past, and try to move on constructively. It ain't easy and there are triggers that crop up. We wonder why we have anxiety

 

Dear Girl ~ YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

 

Cyber Hugs

[tezza]

Hi Linda

 

If I were you I'd try to get as stable as possible before starting your seroquel taper. Otherwise, it would further upset your nervous system. Please, pardon me if you had already planned on waiting.

 

Your nervous system is sensitive now, so seeing anything on television that's violent is shocking to it. When I was in harsh withdrawals, I could not watch the news or read the newspaper (or anything that was sad). There are still things I carefully avoid. You will get better!

 

I was verbally and mentally abused for many years, starting at age 15. Just keep telling yourself that you are not what your mother and brother say; in fact, they are the ones that have issues. You are NOT "less than"!

 

{{{hugs}}}

 

Tezza

[lindamorellato]

Thank you Tezza and everyone who has replied. I got the book, Walking the Tiger,about an hour ago and started reading. It already seems very helpful. You know I even think it will help my children as they lost their 12 year old cousin in a car accident. I feel hope then despair then hope, then i tell myself surely that means I AM bi-polar. I know I am not. I thank you all. I will stay stable on the seroquel for as long as it takes. I have so much anxiety. I know it becasue I couldn't make a move without my mother telling me what to do how to do it and what I was doing wrong. I see some of that in myself. I want that to stop.

 

Thank you for sharing your own adoption story. I can't imagine why your mother and brother would be so cruel. Just so wrong in every way.

[hippopotamus]

That's great Linda. Very glad to hear you already found something thats helping you.

 

In my own journey I have found it very beneficial to take in info from various sources. Different sources can have different things that resonate with you and help you with different things.

 

 

Here's another self-help book that a lot of people find very helpful:http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Trauma-Survivors-Understanding-Reclaiming/dp/1600940617/ref=sr_1_9?ie=UTF8&qid=1359307086&sr=8-9&keywords=working+through+trauma

[Altostrata]

Feeling a range of emotions does not mean you're bipolar -- it means you're human!

[Nikki]

Yep Alto.....I thought it was wrong to feel many emotions. I have since learned the vastness to my emotions and it's okay....I am not nuts, just sensitive.

[tezza]

Thank you Tezza and everyone who has replied. I got the book, Walking the Tiger,about an hour ago and started reading. It already seems very helpful. You know I even think it will help my children as they lost their 12 year old cousin in a car accident. I feel hope then despair then hope, then i tell myself surely that means I AM bi-polar. I know I am not. I thank you all. I will stay stable on the seroquel for as long as it takes. I have so much anxiety. I know it becasue I couldn't make a move without my mother telling me what to do how to do it and what I was doing wrong. I see some of that in myself. I want that to stop.

 

Thank you for sharing your own adoption story. I can't imagine why your mother and brother would be so cruel. Just so wrong in every way.

 

 

I'm sorry if you misunderstood my post. I wasn't adopted. My parents were very good to me; it was a guy I was dating that was mentally and verbally abusive. I married him three months after my 16th BD, so the abuse went on for many years. I did have a troubled childhood after the age of 10, when my mother had a nervous breakdown because my brother was drafted for Vietnam. My brother's best friend had already been sent home in a body-bag, from Vietnam, after only being over there for a month or so.

 

My mother went to the psych hospital for months, it was a few hundred miles from where we lived. We weren't allowed to have contact with her for quite some time. She stayed there for months. Afterwards, she would try to leave off the medicines and would get 'sick' every time, go back to the state hospital, back on meds, get shock treatments, etc., etc...This happened too many times for me to remember.

 

Two months before my 16th BD, I started dating the guy I was abused by. While we were dating my mother got sick again (we dated five months before I married him). When we married I moved to his hometown where I knew no one and that's when the abuse got bad. When he realized how much control and power it gave him it really got worse and worse. Right after we were married, he had me in tears one day and told me, "You'll be crazy just like your mom, by the time you are 25 years old". It seemed to me he was trying to make that happen.

 

I was far from home, with no one. I was desperate one day and tried to talk to HIS mother. She told me, "I don't have time to listen to your problems! Go back to your house!" She was very mean to me. She made me cry a lot that first year we were married. Then we moved further south for the next two years. She was still mean to me but there was some distance between us. The abuse from my husband just got worse, though. He wouldn't speak to me much, except to say something that would hurt me.

 

He would leave me there alone all weekend, every weekend, to go to see strippers. I just stayed home and cried all the time. I can't help crying as I write this, I will never forget the pain. My life kinda went to hell from age 10 onward. I got married when I was still a child, really, trying to get away from the things that were happening with my mother. I jumped out of the frying pan into a deep fryer. My mother still got 'sick' and had to be hospitalized frequently and now I was in "hell on earth".

 

My husband wouldn't allow me to get a job, he wanted me to depend on him. He had me totally brainwashed into believing no one else in the world wanted me and that I was the UGLIEST female on earth. I still believe that. I prayed for God to harden my heart because it hurt so much and I could see no way out. God was the only friend I had for a long time, pretty much still is, except for my friends here and I thank God for friends here. I still wish I had a friend to do things with or go places with.

 

I met a teenage girl when we were living in the south ( I was 17). We became best friends but then we moved again. She and I kept in touch but she died last year. If I had a million dollars, I'd buy one good, true friend if that were possible but it's not possible.

 

I have three children; I thought I wouldn't be alone but they grew up and have things to do. They are all happy and I'm grateful for that. I have a dog and a parrot. I'm still married to the same man although we've been divorced twice. Yes, I married him THREE times. He is like a different person now and I forgive him but I can't forget. I just don't dwell on those painful memories.

 

He didn't stop treating me badly until I didn't allow him to. He played with my mind until I stopped playing. When someone plays mind games, they EXPECT you to respond in a certain way. If you react the way they expect you to, they win but if you react in an unexpected way, they are at a loss. They can't continue the same, they must do something different. He lost the control he had over me because I wouldn't allow him to control my emotions any longer.

 

Now I can see that it was his own insecurities that made him seek that power and control over me. Being alone so much gave me plenty of time to THINK and ANALYZE. It comes natural to us to dwell on negative memories more than we do on positive ones. For example: if someone loses $100 they will think about that much more than they will if they gain $100. We must make a conscience effort to think about good memories.

 

Thank you for reading and I hope it can help you in some way.

 

Hugs,

 

Tezza

[Nikki]

Tezza first of all, you are our Georgia Peach Love you and appreciate your honesty.

 

Emotional and verbal abuse leave deep marks.

 

Last night I was telling my daughter that I snapped at my mother. She started to cry and told me that it hurts her very deeply when people get yelled at because yelling, and verbally assaulting is all my daughter receives from her father.

 

Heartbreaking. I got away from him, but she chooses to have him in her life. She is in therapy now (thank heavens) and someday I hope she can find the strength to walk away from him.

 

With every fiber of my being, abuse whether it is verbal, physical, emotional, financial, etc.

will cause anxiety.

 

There is only so much before it blows out our pilot light.

 

Hugs

[tezza]

Dear sweet Nikki, thank you, I needed that. Emotional abuse does stay with us. it leaves scars in the brain and the heart, the two most vital parts of the body.

 

I know you've been through a lot and I know it breaks your heart to see what your daughter goes through. I'm glad she is in therapy and I'm glad you got away from your abusive spouse, although, I know it doesn't end there. It's just so wrong for anyone to put someone else through hell to make their self feel better.

 

My heart goes out to both you and your daughter.

 

Hugs

[hippopotamus]

Oh my god Tezza, what a terrible history you carry with you.. I cant imagine why you would want to stay with someone who has treated you so badly - has he gone through some kind of enlightening transformation or has he just changed because you stopped taking **** from him?

 

Feel free to answer only if you want to.

 

I just really wanted to send you some warmth and hugs because I find it so sad that you dont have any real life friends. Have you thought about ways in which you could increase your chances for finding some rl friends?

 

My mum suffered from severe psychiatric complaints as well. Having had to watch her fall to prey to unbearable depression, anxiety and psychosis, accompanied by a complete loss of all of her 'friends' as well as her work, has been tremendously traumatic for me. To this very day the memories of it can bring me to tears and disbelief.

 

A big hug to you!!

[tezza]

Hippopotamus, thank you! When I refused to react the way he wanted me to, he had to try other ways to get to me. When nothing worked the way he wanted it to I guess he thought I really had no feelings for him any longer (I had very little feelings for him). He bashed me as long as it worked. I can see now that he was actually afraid of losing me so he made me feel worthless and ugly.

 

Now, he knows that I have nowhere to go and no one to turn to, so he has nothing to fear. When we were divorced, you couldn't throw out dirty dishwater without hitting him with it. (An old southern saying) There was no way I could have seen anyone new. I was asked by other men to go out but that was impossible. Once, when I told him that he was here too much and needed to go home, he became violent. He sneaked a British 303 gun into the house after ripping my clothes almost off. I hid under a large rosé bush outside until the law got here and made him leave.

 

We simply exist here together now. I care about him and I forgive him. I have no one else so I just make the best of it. As long as he doesn't feel threatened, he's fine. I saw a movie once called "The Burning Bed" starring Farrah Fawcet. That could have been us, only I didn't kill him.

 

Hugs back to ya!

 

Linda, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hijack your thread. Just know that you are not alone.

[lindamorellato]

Tezza, i'm glad things are better. And hope adn pray they continue to be.

[lindamorellato]

oK so I was reading all around this website today and I am one of those people who had terrible adverse recations to antidepressants. So much so, that I checked myself into my local psych unit (big mistake I see now)For fear that death was imminent. I don't understand how I was able to continue to take the medications after this type reaction. Can someone explain that?

The first two weeks on antidepressants were frightening beyond belief. This last time, July 2009, after my usual 7 days on antidepressants, I was in the hospital by day 5 (due to feelign as if I would kill myself whether I wanted to or not, it seemed if I were being controlled by something other than my own mind). I was told I was most likely bi-polar. I fought that diagnosis tooth and nail. But becasue I was cycling every day, literally day 5 depressed and weeping, to day 6 with anxiety so high I was wound tight with fear to expremem paranoia. How did I ever get out of the hospital on those drugs without coming home and killing myself is beyond me. Then to add Geodon (which I had a severe reaction to couln't walk in a straight line) To agreeing to take seroquel to boost the antidepressant I was told. I fought it all then caved in because on antidepressants I was in a living hell and feared this third hospitalization would kill me if I didn't add the additional meds.

 

I'm sure it is normal to be angry about this as well as feeling a bit of despair of what I could have been had I not bought into all this B.S. Not only me but the entire mess that I put my children through and my husband, this last time only 5 months after losing their 12 year old cousin and my husband, his nehpew. I am just so angry and feel while I was in the hospital, no one would lsiten to me.

 

I am so angry I wish we could all file a lawsuit, but for what? I'm not even off the meds yet. Life should not be such a terrible struggle. Well, I've put a lot "out there" so to speak. I know I can't be alone in this feeling of anger,and dispair. I just hope and pray there are brighter days out there for me and my family. I cannot and will not put my husband and children through this again. I have to get off these in due time and get better. I owe it to them.

[tezza]

Dear Linda,

 

Thank you, I hope and pray your situation gets better too. The people on this forum are a very special group and I'm so glad you found your way here. We've all been through a lot but together we can rise above the storms in our lives.

 

I'm so sorry your family doesn't realize how much they hurt you with their words and actions. Regardless, you have friends here that care. You can always feel free to express yourself.

[Altostrata]

linda, I know it's scarce consolation, but that cycle of adverse reactions, misdiagnosis, and overmedication is very common in psychiatric drug treatment.

 

It's not you, it's them. Try not to blame yourself. In one way or another, every single person on this site went through something similar. Doctors simply do not know how to use this drugs.

[lindamorellato]

I am really confused? I was in the hospital this last time with a very sweet man maybe 12 years older. We shared some or our life stories on whhile on the unit. He was diagnosed years before with schizophrenia.He was in and out of the hospital multiple times and in several hospitals. He heard voices that told him to kill himself at least three times and attempted suicide mulitple times. He was desperate for relief. He was on a high dose of seroquel, like 600 m.g. and it cause him to have type II diabetes. It seemed like he would ahve an episode then be hospitalized then get on his feet then back again and again. He was discharged 5 days before me. I gave him my name and phone number. I wanted to keep in touch with him. We would meet at a restaurant close to his house as he didn't drive. He lives with his mother, who I met when he was in the hospital. Over a period of 6 months he was able to taper down from his meds and lost 40 pounds and got rid of his diabetes. I lost touch with him and lost his phone number and just stopped meeting him. Well, three weeks ago he called me his sweet mother found my phone number on a piece of paper in a drawer somewhere. He is currently in an intensive outpatient program. I feel for people like him and wonder if he'll ever get off meds. can one no longer be schizophrenic? Was he even schizophrenic? I am so confused by "mental Illness" is there true mental illness? Are these medications "life savers " or "life destroyers"?

[hippopotamus]

Hi Linda,

 

There are several different viewpoints regarding schizophrenia. There are many people who are convinced that 'once a schizophrenic, always a schizophrenic'. This point of view is heavily endorsed by mainstream psychiatry as well as by the pharmaceutical industry.

 

However there are quite a lot of studies that show a different picture. A picture in which a significant percentage of people seems to recover completely and also a percentage of people who recover to a significant degree. The mainstream view regarding schizophrenia is very one-sided. The problem with this mainstream view, is that it conveys a very powerful self-fullfilling prophecy: Once you tell people often enough, and with enough authority, that they will be sick for the rest of their life, they will start to believe this idea and start to behave, think and feel accordingly.

 

There is no scientific agreement on the exact causes of schizophrenia. The most likely idea is that it is caused by different factors who start to interact with each other. Although mainstream psychiatry and the pharmaceutical industry heavliy defend the idea that schizophrenia is a genetic disease that results in a faulty brain, there is a lot of evidence that factors like traumatization, sociological and psychological factors play a significant role in schizophrenic problems.

 

One thing that seems to play a very important role in people with schizophrenia who relapse once they get off their medication, is the fact that antipsychotics themselves make people more vulnerable to become psychotic in the long run. This fact, as well, is hardly recognized in mainstream psychiatry, but there is some pretty convincing evidence for it. It is very likely that something like this happened to your friend.

 

There is a lot of information available on the internet that can give real hope to people with schizophrenia and that can help them to get off meds and become and stay healthy. You just have to know where to find it. If you want to, I could give you several important links, that you can then maybe forward to your friend.

[lindamorellato]

Thank you! I would love to have those links.