cmusic: A long history and finally saying enough

[FeelingAlone]

Hello Cmusic....how are you doing? Are you seeing any improvements? Your days getting any easier? Just wanted to say hi and offer encouragement in your journey. Each day we get through is a victory and another step towards being healthy and happy again!!

[laineyk]

feeling alone, you take lamical? do you think its helped?

[cmusic]

Hi FA,

 

I read through your thread again - seems like you're making some good progress. I have been stuck in the same pattern where I wake up and have intense anxiety all day that quickly turns into depression. I sometimes get to the point where I can't think about anything without breaking down. Even good memories are sad - it's like I can't manifest any positive feelings at all.

 

Still slugging through work and everything else as best I can. But no real interest in doing anything I used to like. Even the smallest things feel overwhelming and I find myself avoiding everything. I thought I noticed some tiny improvements - maybe the depressed episodes were getting shorter or I could get through more of the morning before breaking down. But it's tough to know of anything is changing.

 

I am slowly moving up the Lamictal. On 18 now and may go to tr full 25 mg tablet at some point. It might be helping a little but I'm not sure.

 

I can't help getting the feeling that I'm somehow different and not going to get better. That my depression is in fact real depression and I will be fighting it my whole life. My logical mind says that I will recover, but I'm overwhelmed with fear that I will have this depression my whole life.

 

Thanks for reaching out. How long were you in deep before you started seeing positive signs?

[FeelingAlone]

feeling alone, you take lamical? do you think its helped?

 

I do take Lamictal and I feel it's definitely helping. Before I started taking it, I was pretty anxious and shaky all day long. Now I feel more relaxed, both mentally and physically. I'm not a 100% better, but making good improvements daily. Are you thinking of taking it Lainey?

[FeelingAlone]

Cmusic, I was in a constant state of fear, anxiety, and depression for 6 months before I started noticing small improvements. My friends and family started noticing the improvements long before I did though. I honestly think that the WD is causing the depression and anxiety in you. You ARE NOT going to be permanently like this. You will heal and be better. I thought that I'd never get better either, but here I am on my way to being my old self. I still struggle somedays, but I have hope again!! Hang in there! How long have you been on the 18 mg of lamictal?

[cmusic]

Been on 18 since Thursday. Prior to that 12.5 for 2 weeks and before that 6 for a week. So I'm going to give this a week and then go to 25.

 

Will post again tomorrow. Gonna try for an early night. Fighting a cold as well which for me adds to depression. Thank again for reaching out and offering support. I only hope that one day soon I will be in a position to do the same for someone else.

[FeelingAlone]

You'll help someone soon...this journey sometimes will take longer than we like, but nevertheless, we will finish it and come out better than ever :-)

[cmusic]

Just another post after a terrible day. I really hope this is rock bottom, because I can't imagine worse. It would seem that the timing is right - 2.5 months off SSRI's.

 

Woke in a fog after depression in my dreams (it's invading the last place of escape I had). Also fighting a cold, which in my case always worsens my depression and anxiety. Hit with wave after wave of panic. It got so bad it was racing my heart and I had a hard time breathing. Got an apple down. Started breaking down and crying hysterially after I finally got out of bed. This lasted the majority of the day. Sensitive to everything, any thought could drop me to tears or induce a jolt of panic.

 

Unfortunately I succumbed to taking a Klonopin. I just couldn't handle it anymore. Now I'm a little more calm and was able to eat a sandwich.

 

The thoughts are unreal. I don't ever have a positive thought or any hope of getting better. It's like my brain will not process a positive thought. Even when I force myself to think of something good that has happened or that I have, I just view it as a loss or in some negative context. I really, physically can't experience joy or happiness right now.

 

And I'm always scared that I won't get better. This is a pattern I fall into repeatedly. I know people here and other places tell me I will get better, and logically I know I at least have a shot, but when you're in a deep wave you just can't believe it. What I do believe when I'm like that is that I'm losing everything. I can no longer be a father to my kids or a husband to my wife. I can no longer function as a human being.

 

My 5 year old said yesterday that I don't eat and that I sleep all day. It seems I'm not able to hide the truth even from him. They are smart and perceptive and you can't fool them.

[Meimeiquest]

Did you write that you have the genetic mutation of the folic-acid-processing gene? Is it being adequately treated?

 

Are you still working? Do you think you are holding it together for the week, then collapsing on the weekend? Do you think more structure would help on the weekend (assuming you're working)? I'm thinking about that for myself.

 

Wishing you peace...soon

[Altostrata]

Sleeping is better than the opposite!

 

If I were you, I wouldn't hurry to increase the dose. It could very well be you can stabilize on 18mg.

[cmusic]

I am positive for the gene mutation, and have been taking a supplement for it. Combination of methylfolate and methyl B12 or something like that. Can't say that I've noticed anything though.

 

I am still working - I am able to make it through the days with frequent breaks and catching up at night and stuff. It's not easy but it sometimes distracts me. The weekends are worse, but I think it's related to it being downtime. And exhaustion. On the one hand more structure could help, but on the other I'm so exhausted from trying to keep myself going all week that I don't want to add stressors. So I end up paralyzed having panic attacks and crying, instead of forcing myself through a workday having panic attacks and crying.

[Meimeiquest]

I'm very impressed that you're working. When you feel bad about your family, think about how hard you're working for them.

 

The drug I've heard of for the gene thing is Deplin. Maybe that's the generic?

[cmusic]

Deplin is a very high dose of methylfolate marketed for augmentation of antidepressants and promoted by psychiatrists. I took that for a few months but didnt see any improvement, and it's expensive.

 

What I take now is much lower dose and all I need according to the people at the holistic place. It's a supplement that has methylfolate and methyl b12 - my understanding is you actually need both. But I know very little about the whole issue around folation.

[Meimeiquest]

I don't know anything either. Regular pdoc tried 30 days for me, and I didn't see a change either, didn't have test. The reason I felt so bad was that I had undiagnosed sleep apnea. The reason that I feel so bad now is that I felt so much better after I started treatment that I asked pdoc if I could go off Zyprexa, and followed most (thankfully not all) his instructions. Peeling back the onion layers....

[laineyk]

hey there cmusic, sounds like we are in the same boat going right over a waterfall...right?

 

I am now into my 9th week of RI and I now feel zapped of all energy or emotion. I am trying to reduce my klonopin because I believe I have come to a tolerance on it and that it is exacerbating depression

 

I hope you are finding this day to be good, each day comes with its own garbage. one day I will feel half way decent and then the next I feel like I MUST BE DIEING

[FeelingAlone]

Hello friend....I'm sorry you are still struggling, but you will stabilize and get better! It's just taking longer for your CNS to mellow out. I know It's hard to be patient when you're feeling horrible, but you will feel better. Have you thought about talk therapy? It has been great for me to talk about this trauma called WD and to learn coping mechanisms for dealing with my emotions and anxiety.

[FeelingAlone]

How are you doing today friend?

[cmusic]

Hey - hanging in there. One of the most difficult parts of this is when you finally get a little window and then you go back.

 

Yesterday after about 2PM I felt relatively ok. I was able to get a workout in and go out to dinner with colleagues. It was something I wanted desperately to build off, because the days prior had been so awful.

 

I guess I made the 'mistake' of hoping it would continue. Thinking I had figured something out. But sure enough today the panic was unbearable again. And the disappointment is pretty powerful. My logical brain knows that windows and waves is a common pattern, but we're only human and I guess I just fell victim to my own irrational hopes.

 

It's a good thing I had the window, it felt really good to just be human. But it's hard once you have it to lose it again.

[FeelingAlone]

Just remember that more windows will come and they will start to last longer and longer...You are definetly making progress!!

[cmusic]

Thanks for all the support. Everyone here. This thing really convinces you that you are doomed for life. We all need hope to keep going.

[FeelingAlone]

How are you doing Cmusic?

[cmusic]

Pretty bad wave the last few days. Physical health issues popping up again (not serious but uncomfortable and long lasting). Just totally fatigued and having bad depression and anxiety.

 

Another day.

[flower]

music does the lamictal seem to help? I hope you find peace today..be strong..I know thats easier said than done..

[cmusic]

Honestly I dont think it is helping. Depression and anxiety are about as bad as I've ever felt.

 

I'm going to move to the full 25 mg tablet and stay there. I won't go higher than that.

[Altostrata]

Please go up very gradually on lamotrigine. Too-fast increases can trigger an allergic reaction.

[cmusic]

Thanks Alto. Yeah I have read about the skin rash and SJS and it's scary stuff. I did go on Lamictal before for a short period and actually started with the 25mg pill. I realize that doesn't mean anything in terms of this time around but I'm comfortable going from 18.5 to 25. And like I said whatever it does at that dose it does because I'm not going up any higher.

[cmusic]

Another horrific morning. Totally incapacitated. Had to take Klonopin. No choice.

 

I am back to considering trying to reinstate something. It's getting to the point where I'm not able to eat or work out or do anything really.

 

I was previously on Prozac but don't want to go back to that because of the long half life. Zoloft is the next best option I can think of - have been on that before as well.

 

Not sure what else I can do here folks. I'm not making it through this, I'm falling apart. The only other option is to stay off and use Klonopin more frequently. Not good either.

 

Which is the lesser of evils? More benzos or back on AD's?

[FeelingAlone]

Have you gone up to 25mg of Lamictal or are you still on 18mg?

[cmusic]

Still on 18. Literally say there staring at the stupid little white pill for an hour trying to figure out if I wanted to go up or even down. I don't believe it's helping me. It never did, even when I was at 75 (highest I ever got). Part of me feels like I'm better off without it.

[Altostrata]

18.5mg to 25mg should be okay. Give the lamotrigine a chance, men need higher dosages than women.

[FeelingAlone]

Give the 25 a try before thinking about adding more of something else...

[cmusic]

Anyone know anything about circadian rhythms or how they are affected by antidepressant withdrawal? I have searched and found a lot of discussion on sleep, but in my case I have no trouble going to sleep. The issue is, since this hell began, it's like my body in the mornings is just fighting to go back to sleep and will not stay awake. And fighting to stay awake, being on the edge of falling asleep and back, is adding to the panic attacks I get in the morning.

 

Also, I get hungry at late times like 11pm now. No appetite before that usually. I can't tell if it's just the anxiety and depression finally lifting for the day, and my body realizing it needs to eat. But I usually comply because I'm not eating nearly enough. But if my body is getting used to what should be 'dinner' at 9PM or later, that probably pushes the whole sleep window forward as well.

 

Last, I just wonder if withdrawal and the severe depression it causes can be directly pushing me towards wanting to sleep all the time. That might be the simplest answer.

[Altostrata]

Sleeping a lot in withdrawal is better than the opposite. Your body may be trying to heal itself.

 

Psych drugs and withdrawal screw up circadian rhythms. Search the Symptoms and Self-care forum for "circadian" for discussions.

[cmusic]

So wanted to post - getting physical symptoms that are making me feel worse and worse. This is compounding the emotional stuff. These things have been lingering since around when I went off meds or was cycling on them, but are getting worse.

 

Severe sensitivity to cold (sitting in hot shower or in front of space heater not warming up)

 

Hands and skin so sensitive that even touch of clothing or petting dogs literally hurts

 

Whole body feels flush like I was in the sun, hot flashes, itchy skin on legs

 

Constantly drinking water and frequent urination

 

Dizzy, fatigued, sweating on and off

 

I also thought I had a UTI because of some symptoms I got last week but all tests came back negative. Still back and abdomen area achy. Don't know if this has anything to do with the stuff listed above.

 

Now not only am I wreck emotionally I'm also one physically. This skin / hands sensitivity thing is very concerning. I can't stop wondering if my pituitary function is totally screwed and as a result cortisol, thyroid, everything is in the tank. I have no idea. I just feel horrible in so many ways it's hard to keep going.

 

Any thoughts on any of this?

[Meimeiquest]

Sounds horrible! If they're withdrawal, I.e. your autonomic/endocrine system is totally messed up, it will recover someday. Physical symptoms are an odd comfort to me, telling me it's not just my emotional problems.

[FeelingAlone]

All your symptoms seem to be associated with withdrawal since you didn't have them before you stopped or were cycling through meds. Your body and mind are trying to find homeostasis. Are you still just on the lamictal?