Finn: Hello

[Finn]

Today marked three weeks out. I am definitely feeling better--better as in my symptoms are slowly improving. I have been waking up with bad headaches, there's been bouts of dizziness and the brain zaps, and I feel like in general, my mind is over-excited most of the time. I don't enjoy things properly or experience emotions normally, but I do have some motivation, like I want to do things, and I have some hope.

 

As I touched on in another thread, I'm going to try going to therapy to try to work on some things that triggered the last depressive episode and that will hopefully help me move forward from now on.

[Lexy]

Hoping to hear more and more progress on your future posts!

[btdt]

Hi Fin so you don't have to read my stats I went cold turkey did not taper 150mg Effexor  xr after 7 years steady dosing a few of those years I was taking 20 then 40 mg of celexa.  

When I quit I tried to go back on and became very ill... I think I had been in tolerance a long time before I quit...not sure how that would play into it. 

Like the other poster above I did a three month stint in bed. 

It would seem to me your taper has gone well till you did this jump down I am not sure why you did that and think it may be you just got fed up with the process... I have been known to be impulsive in my choices too... maybe it is that.  Maybe cause of the drug or just who I am it is impossible to tell any more tho... I do notice I rarely do impulsive things anymore.  

 

I can't speak to you of tapering effexor since I did not do a taper but I can speak to you of cold turkey and I can guarantee you that you don't want it. I will not try to terrorize you with the grim details as I am sure you know what to expect from things you have already read.  However I want to tell you this:  reading a word on the computer and living it are two very different things the intensity this can get to both physically and mentally can be catastrophic for some people.  I have been to some very frightening places during cold turkey including what I self labeled psychotic.  I am sure it is a drag having to count beads while you do all the other things you have to do to keep your life going and yes it is dray to be damage socially.  

 

However I would like to suggest to you that being too ill to work and losing your job may be more of a drag and a problem. For all I know your independently wealthy but in case your not I will say there is not way I could have worked during cold turkey... and it did not go away in a year or two or three... 

I know there is no proof that taper will completely stop protracted withdrawal except more fast taper and ct people seem to be where I am now 7 years off and still can't tolerate a whole pain pill ... in order to get the pain relief I often need and can't tolerate I have to give up brain function and psych stability that has been so hard fought for these long years. 

 

You know I think I am just going to say what I have to say without trying to be so diplomatic as it really isn't me... k

 

I can't believe you are almost free and your chancing throwing your life health and brain into hell for no good reason I can see... get back on your drug... I feel like a mother trying to keep a child out of a volcano.. there is no winning this there is just different levels of loss... don't do the big loss. 

 

It is not worth the shorter withdrawal even if you get out without another scratch.. what your chancing is way to big a bet... please get back on your medication do a steady taper. 

 

Oh and hello it is nice to meat you. 

peace to you... 

[btdt]

Well, according to my psychiatrist, Effexor doesn't affect or interfere with my hormonal levels, and she was confused I was even asking.

 

I was told the dose of Effexor I'm taking isn't doing anything for depression, which of course, is irrelevant because I'm taking it now to prevent withdrawal suffering, not to help me function, which it never did. To be fair, my doctor isn't necessarily just pushing meds. She is pushing me to do something about the depression so I feel better. Yeah, she'd give me another prescription , but she's been encouraging me to get into therapy too. *sigh* Honestly, though, I'm not necessarily depressed now. I just feel awful between cyclical hormonal fluctuations and withdrawal. I can only continue this taper and hope I eventually get well.

Finally some body else who had this.. I am too tired to read it all now as it is late.. would like to ask how you know your hormones were in constant flux I am assuming hormonal testing correct?  I had several tests and they were all different. 

[btdt]

I am currently rethinking this period issue I would like to know more about it.  Do you have other symptoms bleeding gums bruising... anything else?   are your periods still long and coming every 2 wks... have you had vit D. K  and B12 tested?  Has anyone looked at the platelets ... my memory fails me again and I can't quite figure out what this says ... could use some help to decipher it...

Venlafaxine-induced ecchymoses and impaired platelet aggregation.

Sarma A, Horne MK 3rd.

Source

Hematology Service, Department of Laboratory Medicine, W. G. Magnuson Clinical Center, National Institutes of Health, Bethesda, MD, USA.

Abstract

OBJECTIVE:

To describe a case of venlafaxine-induced ecchymoses.

METHODS:

A patient with a history of ecchymoses coincident with venlafaxine therapy was rechallenged with the drug. Her platelet function was assessed with aggregation and ATP release studies before the rechallenge and after she developed ecchymoses. In addition, the effect of venlafaxine on platelet aggregation and ATP release was studied in vitro by adding the drug to platelet-rich plasma from normal donors.

RESULTS:

After 4 wk of treatment with venlafaxine our patient developed extensive ecchymoses. At that time her platelet aggregation and release responses to epinephrine, ADP, collagen, and arachidonic acid were markedly suppressed. Adding venlafaxine to normal platelet-rich plasma also dramatically reduced the aggregation and release responses to the same agonists as well as to serotonin, but the concentrations of venlafaxine required were 1000-fold greater than those normally achieved clinically.

CONCLUSIONS:

Our patient demonstrated an idiosyncratic hypersensitivity to the platelet inhibitory effects of venlafaxine. Because venlafaxine is an inhibitor of serotonin uptake by platelets and neurons, this mechanism may contribute to the impact of this drug on platelet function. However, our in vitro studies suggest that this hypothesis is inadequate to explain the observations completely.

[Finn]

This was back in June...I was experiencing bad lows during and around my period, which was unusual for me. Before Effexor, I barely noticed my periods, aside from a few physical symptoms, but on it, the emotional symptoms became worse, and I was very timed during that time. I also have a liver function test show abnormal results around that time.

 

I'm actually going to my endocrinologist soon, so I'm sure I'll get tests then.

[Finn]

Today I'm quite irritable, and my mind feels over-active in general--like harder to or not stopping to think at all, things are making me defensive faster. Blah, don't know how to explain every last pain; I just hate feeling this way. These past few days, obsessive thinking has been wearing away at me. It'll probably be better tomorrow...

[Finn]

I'm freaked out by how I've been feeling. My total disconnection seems dangerous, especially when I'm driving. I'm worried I'm not noticing things, and this is going to cause me to get hurt. I posted in another thread how I'm spacing out when talking to people. Having no emotions is one thing, being disconnected from the world is another. I think it is a bad call to stay like this.

 

I really, really don't want to take Effexor again, though. I'm thinking of maybe trying another drug that would be easier to taper but will reground me for now.

[Lexy]

It can take up to six weeks to feel WDs.

I feel for you, have you thought of reinstating a little. As I recall you dropped at 21mgs. That is a huge drop especially for the end.

I cut 50% off and was bedridden, I might still be feeling having WDs from that.

If I were you I would take a little and just go back and stabilize. Then taper very slow. Have you thought of changing to liquid?

Hopefully Alto or someone else might come on soon to give you better advice.

[Lexy]

Also when I dropped 50% off my doc wanted to get me on another drug. I didn't think that was prudent as I would not be able to tell if would be side effects on new med or WD from effexor.

I should have listened to my Mother who was researching and had told me to go up a little. But I had just wanted it out of my system.

[Finn]

Also when I dropped 50% off my doc wanted to get me on another drug. I didn't think that was prudent as I would not be able to tell if would be side effects on new med or WD from effexor.

 

 

My doctor wanted me to go another drug without tapering. That was last May. I haven't been back since. I was thinking earlier in the height of my anxiety about how I'm feeling that maybe I should go back to the psychiatrist. I can tell her about how bad my ocd is, how I can't focus on anything, how most things make me anxious despite not really being able to feel emotions, how apathetic and disassociated I am, how I am so easily irritated, etc. Totally kidding, I would never say that, but I'm right at the intersection of self-destructive and disconnected from things, that I think about it.

 

The thought of taking Effexor again is so awful because starting it was almost as bad as stopping. Why did I go through the awfulness of start it then? Because obsessive thoughts are persistant and gut-wrenching. For a while, being numb was an improvement. At first I actually laughed at how nothing bothered me because Effexor. I mean I wasn't in a good mood; I felt nothing. Nothing bothered me, and that's an improvement over every single thing bothering me.

 

It will most likely take some time to restabilize if I reinstated. Who is to say that I wouldn't have felt better from withdrawal in that time? That alone with the above paragraph is my hang up. But like I have to do something...

[Finn]

Oh well, I took like 15mg this morning sooooooooo, we'll see what happens.

[Lexy]

Keep us posted.

I hope you do better.

[btdt]

I'm not sure how many others have experienced a disturbance in hormonal balance after starting an antidepressant medication. I do know there's an overlap between pcos and depression diagnosis (for hormonal and effects of pcos symptoms) so I might try asking around that community for answers.

This may be too simple but poly cystic means many cysts on the ovaries or more than one maybe... and I have looked up the drug monograph for Effexor and ovarian cysts is listed as a side effect... all the things I have learned too late.. they do annoy me. 

A report from the gyno who removed my ovary and the 5 cysts did not discuss pcos with me but after my crash or during I can't quite recall ...long ago tho... I went a hunt to get all my medical records so I could perhaps figure something out to help myself.  

In a note I got  from my file it is stated I had pco he never mentioned that I needed to do anything to help it... like diet ect.  he never mentioned it at all.  

 

I did not have a family doctor at the time of the surgery ...if I had the report would have went to my gp.. I was referred to gyno by a clinic doctor so maybe he got a copy if he did he never contacted me to discuss it either.  

 

I was quite messed up when I got those files more or less just keep them in storage till someday. 

 

By my definition it would seem effexor is capable of causing pco... 

I may be wrong tho. 

 

I can't take any hormones due to a birth control induced TIA at 18. So maybe he did not want to play with my hormones given the risk.. it was not discussed either way. 

The only other hormone issue I can think of is around taking paxil time .. my doc at the time was on maternity leave... her fill in doc gave me pregesterone... don't recall why... I do know this

test for lipase kept coming back bad.. not sure if they are related.. as I cannot recall would have to dig in those old files to find out and just now I am not up to it. 

[Finn]

This may be too simple but poly cystic means many cysts on the ovaries or more than one maybe

 

 

There may or may not be cysts on the ovaries with pcos. At the time I was diagnosed, I don't know if I had them since I was diagnosed on symptoms. A diagnosis on symptoms alone happens a lot with pcos since hormonal levels mean different things to different people--like my androgen levels could be in normal range but be too high for me. I think I had cysts though since I remember persistent lower back pain around that time. I've had tests at later dates that confirmed I had cysts, but they're just there--until they burst, which is very, very, very painful. Ask any person who has it, pcos is awful!

 

I was diagnosed with pcos in 2008. I didn't take any ads until last year, 2012, so for me, there's no casual relation.

 

Your doctor should have told you about pcos, though. People with it are at an increased risk for diabetes, if not other health concerns. Also if you struggle with weight, excess hair or acne, having the pcos diagnosis puts a lot into perspective.

[Lexy]

How rare you Finn?

[btdt]

 

This may be too simple but poly cystic means many cysts on the ovaries or more than one maybe

 

 

There may or may not be cysts on the ovaries with pcos. At the time I was diagnosed, I don't know if I had them since I was diagnosed on symptoms. A diagnosis on symptoms alone happens a lot with pcos since hormonal levels mean different things to different people--like my androgen levels could be in normal range but be too high for me. I think I had cysts though since I remember persistent lower back pain around that time. I've had tests at later dates that confirmed I had cysts, but they're just there--until they burst, which is very, very, very painful. Ask any person who has it, pcos is awful!

 

I was diagnosed with pcos in 2008. I didn't take any ads until last year, 2012, so for me, there's no casual relation.

 

Your doctor should have told you about pcos, though. People with it are at an increased risk for diabetes, if not other health concerns. Also if you struggle with weight, excess hair or acne, having the pcos diagnosis puts a lot into perspective.

 

The cysts I had we were hoping would break and followed them for a year or longer I actually kept getting more with each ultra sound test they did none ever broke.  I  had been on Effexor a few years by the time I started with the ovarian cysts and did not know they could be related till long after the ovary and the cysts were removed. I did have the acne and after I quit E I had no hair on my legs still have very little for a few years did not have to do any leg hair control at all or underarms. 

[Finn]

How rare you Finn?

 

 

I am very rare--so rare I would consider myself a statistical anomaly. Sorry, I had to do that...

 

I think I am okay. My head has still been hurting, and yesterday my stomach was upset for some portion of the day. But I think I feel more stable/ alive, if you know what I mean. I'm still somewhat disorientated and I will always be blank and numb so that doesn't even count.

 

I  had been on Effexor a few years by the time I started with the ovarian cysts and did not know they could be related

 

 

Frickin' Effexor! It has caused so much pain...I'm sorry you had to go through that.

[btdt]

I am sorry I had to go thru that too... and I am also sorry your having to go thru this now... fricken effexor indeed... 

Feeling alive is important hopefully it is enough to get you through this stage of withdrawal. 

 

"I am very rare--so rare I would consider myself a statistical anomaly. Sorry, I had to do that.."  

don't be sorry for for that comment...  maybe I am a bit odd ......... but it made me smile I know the feeling  

[Finn]

and I am also sorry your having to go thru this now... fricken effexor indeed...

 

 The more time passes and I think about the alternatives to Effexor I could have pursued a year ago, the more angry I get at the doctor for giving it to me and at myself for going along with it. I knew from reading forums that Effexor is hard to get off, and I knew that these drugs have the tendency to make me numb. I keep thinking that maybe another drug would not only have not hurt me this badly but might have helped. Why this medication that hurt me so much? I went to the doctor to be able to focus on my life and feel again, and those were the very things that I seemed to have completely lost now. I just, I don't know how things will ever be alright again. I think I might be past the point of being able to fix things. I can't do this anymore.

[btdt]

 

and I am also sorry your having to go thru this now... fricken effexor indeed...

 

 

" I just, I don't know how things will ever be alright again."

"I think I might be past the point of being able to fix things. I can't do this anymore.

I don't know Fin but I know how you feel been there so many many times.. been headed there again to tell you the truth and reading this from you.... 

I tried to quote it here but it went above I don't know how to use this and am not up to figuring it out today. 

 

I can't say things will be perfect when you get up tomorrow or next wk or next month.  I can say eventually if your like the rest of us it will get better.  And when you get to the bit better places hold them tight as they don't last. This will come again.  When it does how you got around it this time will be a bit of armor you can use next time if and when you switch your brain out of it again... 

 

I am not a real smart person and I know my mind is not at top form again it can come and go in and out of focus like a camera lens all day long sometimes it is so bad I don't even know it is bad.  Today I had a f..... anxiety attack... with the heart attach feeling and all I have not had that in forever. I am thinking it is the pain killers.. maybe insomnia.  I just don't know. 

 

This is what I do know... since I don't know much that is useful in a normal life anymore I may as well make use of this.

 

what I have learned from repeated dates with I can't do this anymore... 

you will either do it or not... 

for me that has been the bottom line I am staying her cause I have a child... grown but still a child to me... an still what keeps me here... those I love and I love the child the most... 

I have been thru suicide as an option so many times it is a way out... I have used it before and at times it was just forced on me by a drug reaction... there is a difference between a drug reaction and a serious plan... the difference is this ... the drug reaction is a sudden turning of your thoughts it is fast and dangerous when a impulsive feelings come with it... I am sure some end up dead because they are not aware this is a drug reaction... so if you having this you need a doctors to look at your drugs... maybe a trip to emerg is in order i have done it... 

The slow planning of suicide as a way out... that is a different thing altogether that is a plan of escape because things are too bad for too long... and this is what I know of it.. 

For a long time things were bad for too long... I would make a plan get everything is order be ready to implement my plan.. at that point I felt complete relief had a real break from everything because soon none of it would matter... as soon as I felt this relief I would think of all the real reasons I live and even tho I needed that release that break to be able to go on... I would then go on. 

 

I did this for years while I ate antidepressants... and no I never once had a plan like this before these drugs and multiple withdrawals. Eventually I sat down and read a ton of books about suicide one was very helpful and I wish I knew the title but can't recall it now.  When I looked at how the thought and plan of suicide had served me thru the years and how I learned the difference between the dangerous kind of drug induced impulsive thoughts and the get a break today relief thoughts ... it became clear where they fit. 

 

I am not sure this is what you mean by not being able to do this anymore but it is how it seems to me .. I think not talking about it is a odd.. tho I do know nobody wants to hear about it freaks people out.. but it can be useful and it can be a warning. Knowing the difference in these two is important.  

Once I took a look at the relief type of planning ect.. I decided I did not need to go thru all that to get a break today... I could look for other ways to get a break. That is when I started looking for things that sooth me. I found them by trial and error. The reason I wanted to replace the previous method is it freaks people out and I don't like having to go right to the wall all the time it takes something away from too to go there.  

 

So the trick is to build a tool box of things that sooth you try to find as many as you can in case for some reason you don't have access to everything all the time... for instance I used walking in nature but when I broke my foot I could not use that then.  Just a clue.  And keep looking. 

 

I know withdrawal is not the best time to start looking but you need it now so start now I will give you one of mine to get you started if you don't like that is fine too... 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jyy0ra2WcQQ

 

and this it looks silly but it helped me... 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6i33V2EcVlY

 

I wish you peace Finn

[Finn]

Thanks, btdt. Once again, I'm really, really sorry you can relate to how I'm feeling.

 

For what it is worth, I do use fantasies about suicide as an escape. I am deeply, fundamentally terrified of not being in control of my life, and thinking at least I can always kill myself somehow helps with that. I know this completely. I also know that in the face of pain or any other very unpleasant state, I freeze up, and because I shut down and do nothing, I am also never likely to hurt myself to any serious extent. Mind you, I want to hurt myself even more for this fact. I am powerless to improve my life, and I'm powerless to end my life, so I just stay where I am, in numb misery slowly forgetting what I love and my deepest dreams. I say I can't do this anymore, but I obviously can. I have to go on because I can't consciously end it.

 

I don't know what is happening to me right now. I used to; sure I was constantly struggling against negative thoughts (really an assortment of what is considered mental disorders), but I understand what was happening, why it was happening because I had insight into my life and a vague sense that if I kept putting myself  in personally fulfilling experiences, eventually I would be free from whatever was dragging me down. And that was true until it wasn't, until i left the only place i ever felt safe and like i was someone who could do something. And then everything was awful and i started to believe that maybe i am just wired to be mentally dysfunctional and so i took medication because i couldn't spend every waking moment focusing on obsessing over whether i was crazy or depressed or whatever anymore. And, and obviously we can all see how well this all turned out.

 

My mom just asked me something, and I broke down into tears about how Effexor has been hurting me and I've been trying to get off it for a long time and how I can't feel anything. I'm really scared I won't be able to stop myself from snapping or breaking down at the wrong time. I can't even begin to explain how emotionally unstable I feel. I'm especially kind of freaked out because I work around sharp objects and people! But also I need to occupy my time with something other than internet since that just sucks me in. I really want to bang my head against the wall until I knock this feeling from me, until I feel something. Needless to say, even only knowing the fragments I said while crying, my mom is insisting I call the psychiatrist because this isn't right. No duh this isn't right but I don't know how to make it right

[Barbarannamated]

Finn and Btdt,

 

This is the best discourse I've ever read about the choice to end one's life. The IDEA OF being able to choose to end PROLONGED suffering is comforting. I hesitate to use the term "suicide". What I'm referring to is far more complex than an impulsive act carried out in an acute situation that the term "suicide" conveys, IMHO. (Severe dementia in my family)

 

I greatly respect both of you for discussing this topic so honestly and intelligently.

[Finn]

So, I can't really gauge how I'm doing since reinstating since I got my period this week as well so I felt like I got hit and run over by a truck. But I think I'm improving. Right now, I feeel really overstimulated, like even the lights make me feel jittery and excited. Like it isn't a bad feeling but id prefer to be more calm.

[Finn]

And it has been a week since I reinstated. I have moments when I feel fine emotionally. But I also have semi-bad mood swings, intense headaches and dizziness/ some disorientation. I feel better, and I'm glad I did this. In the long run, it will probably be better, especially if I can stabilize soon.

[Finn]

Also, I haven't been sleeping well. I can focus better, but my mind still feels sort of confused and mushy. I get brain zaps, too, and times when I feel shakey. Mostly I'm worried about the mood swings, and the fact that my head hurts, and the pain doesn't respond to pain medication. It's all freaking me out. Should I be concerned about my reaction to reinstating? Is this a bad reaction, or is it too early to tell?

[Petunia]

Hi Finn,

I'm sorry you are still not feeling well, but a week is still early days when you reinstate.  It sounds like you are feeling a little better?  Unless you are feeling obviously much worse, then I would give it more time.

 

I'm assuming it was the Effexor that you reinstated, please would you add this and the amount you are now taking to your signature, it makes it easier to see your situation and to offer suggestions.

 

I noticed that you are taking 1200mg NAC.  I tried taking this but found it was too stimulating and increased anxiety.  Are you still taking this amount?  A destabilized nervous system can make some people more sensitive to certain supplements.  I read through our NAC thread here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/767-n-acetylcysteine-nac/?hl=n-acetyl-cysteine

it seems some people are more sensitive to this when in withdrawal, I also noticed you have posted there, perhaps reducing your dose of NAC may help.

 

I hope you start to feel better soon.

 

Petu.

[Lexy]

Finn,

That's how I feel, it's either mood swings, headeaches and now anxiety. I can't imagine stopping at the point you did.

I am so sensitized probably due to the cut I made last year. I am now micro tapering but I am still feeling pretty bad. This drug is so unforgiving.

I wish you get better soon.

[Finn]

Hi Finn,

I'm sorry you are still not feeling well, but a week is still early days when you reinstate.  It sounds like you are feeling a little better?  Unless you are feeling obviously much worse, then I would give it more time.

 

I'm assuming it was the Effexor that you reinstated, please would you add this and the amount you are now taking to your signature, it makes it easier to see your situation and to offer suggestions.

 

I noticed that you are taking 1200mg NAC.  I tried taking this but found it was too stimulating and increased anxiety.  Are you still taking this amount?  A destabilized nervous system can make some people more sensitive to certain supplements.  I read through our NAC thread here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/767-n-acetylcysteine-nac/?hl=n-acetyl-cysteine

it seems some people are more sensitive to this when in withdrawal, I also noticed you have posted there, perhaps reducing your dose of NAC may help.

 

I hope you start to feel better soon.

 

Petu.

 

It was Effexor that I reinstated, and I did so at 15mg. I just added that to my signature. I am feeling better, but the headaches and brain zaps are bothering me. Mostly, I feel overstimulated when my head hurts; if the pain isn't there, I feel calmer.

 

I really don't think NAC makes me anxious or stimulated. In fact, I think it might calm me down. But for the most part while my head hurts this bad, I'm sort of avoiding taking any supplement beside the Omega-3s.

[Petunia]

Thank you for updating your signature Finn,

 

 I am feeling better, but the headaches and brain zaps are bothering me. Mostly, I feel overstimulated when my head hurts; if the pain isn't there, I feel calmer.

 

 

Its a good sign that you are feeling better (apart from the headaches).  Headaches and brain zaps are a common withdrawal symptom and should settle down once you begin to stabilize.  Another common effect of withdrawal is that it can make some people more sensitive to pain, but that will pass too.

[btdt]

Thanks, btdt. Once again, I'm really, really sorry you can relate to how I'm feeling.

 

For what it is worth, I do use fantasies about suicide as an escape. I am deeply, fundamentally terrified of not being in control of my life, and thinking at least I can always kill myself somehow helps with that. I know this completely. I also know that in the face of pain or any other very unpleasant state, I freeze up, and because I shut down and do nothing, I am also never likely to hurt myself to any serious extent. Mind you, I want to hurt myself even more for this fact. I am powerless to improve my life, and I'm powerless to end my life, so I just stay where I am, in numb misery slowly forgetting what I love and my deepest dreams. I say I can't do this anymore, but I obviously can. I have to go on because I can't consciously end it.

 

I don't know what is happening to me right now. I used to; sure I was constantly struggling against negative thoughts (really an assortment of what is considered mental disorders), but I understand what was happening, why it was happening because I had insight into my life and a vague sense that if I kept putting myself  in personally fulfilling experiences, eventually I would be free from whatever was dragging me down. And that was true until it wasn't, until i left the only place i ever felt safe and like i was someone who could do something. And then everything was awful and i started to believe that maybe i am just wired to be mentally dysfunctional and so i took medication because i couldn't spend every waking moment focusing on obsessing over whether i was crazy or depressed or whatever anymore. And, and obviously we can all see how well this all turned out.

 

My mom just asked me something, and I broke down into tears about how Effexor has been hurting me and I've been trying to get off it for a long time and how I can't feel anything. I'm really scared I won't be able to stop myself from snapping or breaking down at the wrong time. I can't even begin to explain how emotionally unstable I feel. I'm especially kind of freaked out because I work around sharp objects and people! But also I need to occupy my time with something other than internet since that just sucks me in. I really want to bang my head against the wall until I knock this feeling from me, until I feel something. Needless to say, even only knowing the fragments I said while crying, my mom is insisting I call the psychiatrist because this isn't right. No duh this isn't right but I don't know how to make it right

Sorry I dropped away Finn a family member had major surgery and needed my help.  So I went till I was depleted now I am home... I could not stay another minute.  Wish I could but I was starting to really come unglued. 

 

I would like to speak to this 

" And that was true until it wasn't, until i left the only place i ever felt safe" 

I think safety is a huge part of getting better.  For me it is I need to feel safe. In my space but also inside me.  I know what you mean but not being able to figure out what is going on inside you... feeling vacant out of touch and I am sure the only way to get it is drugs.  I don't think much else could cause it except drugs or maybe shock. Now that I said it that is what it feels like in a way a mild case of shock... as when it is a big case of shock your simply not there to your knowledge... it feels like shock to me.  Normally i would run and look up all about shock as I am so wanting an answer and a cure... but I am getting fed up and tired out by the entire process...or maybe I just need more rest and time on my own ground to recover from my latest mission to help family. 

 

While I have spent the last 7 years thinking knowing this is not right... 

I no longer believe a 

psychiatrist

knows how to make it right... they did not know about tolerance when I had that so I have completely lost faith in the general run of the mill shrink sitting at a desk deciding who gets a note for poison all day long nope they are completely off my list of people who know how to help me. 

 

Guess I just wanted to say I understand where you at... and hope taper works for you. All this crap you feel is normal for this abnormal situation if that helps any at all. 

And there are things on the net that can help it is just not something to suck you in... try deep relaxations videos pick what you like. 

Peace Finn

[btdt]

Also, I haven't been sleeping well. I can focus better, but my mind still feels sort of confused and mushy. I get brain zaps, too, and times when I feel shakey. Mostly I'm worried about the mood swings, and the fact that my head hurts, and the pain doesn't respond to pain medication. It's all freaking me out. Should I be concerned about my reaction to reinstating? Is this a bad reaction, or is it too early to tell?

How are the headaches Finn?  Headaches worry me do other people here think this is ok?  I think you should talk to your doctor and maybe stop the fish oil... the reason is both fish oil and effexor affect the platelets in your blood... I hope somebody else who gets this comes here and helps as I can't quite recall this right now.  

[btdt]

I don't think fish oil and effexor go together.  May be wrong tho.  

Headaches have been a huge problem for me for years now... try a cold pack to the back of your neck if you did not do that already.  It always makes me freeze so I use the heating pad on my back or feet at the same time... seems to confuse my system and allows me some overall peace eventually.

[btdt]

Finn and Btdt,This is the best discourse I've ever read about the choice to end one's life. The IDEA OF being able to choose to end PROLONGED suffering is comforting. I hesitate to use the term "suicide". What I'm referring to is far more complex than an impulsive act carried out in an acute situation that the term "suicide" conveys, IMHO. (Severe dementia in my family)I greatly respect both of you for discussing this topic so honestly and intelligently.

Thanks for the compliment tho i would like to be getting them for fun reasons...productive life enhancing reasons... guess this is my default life.  

I think suicide can be impulsive or it can be a well thought out.  There are at least two suicidal stages and likely more that I know well from 18 years of drug use.  I think the impulsive suicidal states are drug induced they hit like lightening fast.  I know them well.  The other is likely what people in withdrawal would know if they were to tell the shrink the truth... cause who wants to spill the beans on it all and get locked up surely not me.  Both are suicide in my mind same thing different day... same outcome death end of pain we think... only the dead know for sure. 

[Finn]

Meh, so I guess my brain isn't too screwed up, whether from my emotional disturbances or from the drug. I took the GRE (the graduate school entrance standarized test--I'm trying to get into a phd program) today, and I did approximately as well on it in one section as I did three years ago, long before drugs and when I wasn't in a depressive episode, and on the other section, I did much better. I mean if I didn't mentally collaspe at the first sign of stress or worry, I might have done better. I had been planning on using how well I did on this (very dumb) exam as a gauge of how well my mind is working now a days, and it seems at least when it comes to language, my mind still works. I also read an entire book in a day again over the weekend, like I used to before this last depressive episode when I couldn't concentrate enough to read in a straight line. I was afraid I lost my ability to comprehend and think deeply, and to some extent, my mind does get fatigued far more easily, but on the other hand, I may be able to slowly work my brain back up to the level of thinking I want.

 

I'm really anxious and restless. I don't know if it is from the drug reinstatement or my response to things that are actually happening in my life--probably both. But regardless, I do lose the ability to think straight when I get stressed. I just fall a part. I can't blame it all on the drug since I had this problem during the depressive episode that led to taking the first drug. It isn't even really a function of depression. It more goes back to trauma. How do I not break down when I most need my mind in one piece?

[btdt]

Forgive me not knowing this but when you first depressive episode started were you on any drugs?  

Were you on metformin?  

I did a search to see if metformin can cause depression and it can by lowering B12.

According to this sorry I don't have the clarity just now to do an indepth to see if this link has substance behind it but since it is mentioned maybe your doctor could check you B12 just to be sure. 

 

"

• Metformin and B12 Supplementation :: Diabetes Self-Management

  www.diabetesselfmanagement.com/.../metformin-and-b12-supplementati...‎
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Jan 6, 2012 - If not corrected, B12 deficiency can damage the nerve cells, causing ...and numbness of fingers or toes, difficulty walking, and depression.