success ☼ beconscious: Greetings All!

[beconscious]

A quick check-in as we get into the fullness of the Christmas season.

 

All is good. I have been imbibing more frequently and have noticed almost no negative effects to having beer. My consumption of sugary treats and caffeine has also increased and I can see great tolerances for these unhealthy good choices.

I'll be pacing myself for the holidays but am truly appreciating the resilience of a healed/healing body and mind.

 

My only remaining complaint is the absence if deep good emotions, as I'm still relatively flat (which could be a good thing after all). If I reflect back on moments if life where my emotions were intense it was likely due to poor lifestyle choices. Perhaps now in my mid thirties this state of mind is a great achievement.

 

I picked up my PS3 gaming console that was dormant for years and found myself guitar hero-ING with enthusiasm. This is something I haven't been interested in at all for several years. Perhaps a signal that hobbies and interests are on the horizon?

 

I had nothing in mind to share here but for continued encouragement, as I remember myself 19 months ago in the darkest and scariest of places, for those who are in that place, or recovering remember: there is life again, and you will enjoy it once more.

 

The best of wishes for you all who are struggling. May your holidays be full of renewed hope and continued healing.

As I said in 2012 "2013 will be the best year yet. And so 2014 will be that much more.

[Altostrata]

And best wishes of the season to you, beconscious.

 

It may take some time for the depth of emotions to come back. Take care of yourself, and you'll be coming back to tell us your success story.

[Sweetcreature]

Thaak you BC, keep us posted we NEED stories like yours, very best to you also

 

SC

[bubble]

dear BC,

 

I have read your tread from the beginning till the end and it is really very interesting and your determination most impressive.

 

Thank you also for updating us on your progress so that we could benefit from your experience.

 

What struck me most in your story is that you proceeded with the plan that you were here strongly advised against and warned about dreadful consequences many people here experience (including me).

 

At first it might seem that your example proves the philosophy of this site wrong but rather I'd say it is an exception that confirms the rule.

 

Just talking about myself, I simply don't have that much stamina and endurance with exercising, eating healthily,supplementing, controlling stress...

 

Also there is a difference in our life circumstances and most importantly I think our psychological make up and traumas I endured since early childhood.

 

That are just some of the things that come to my mind when trying to explain why something that worked for you might not work for most of us here...

 

I very much look forward to your future updates and wish you all the best on your very inspiring journey!

 

Best,

bubble

[beconscious]

Emerging from the other side if the holiday season I have been enjoying 8-10 hour sleeps these past 2 weeks. Although the added stress of ever-present (not the gift kind) family, and very poor eating choices, increase in alcohol consumption, too many errands and high emotions of the season: elevated cortisol and experiencing high-alertness. also had a few not-quite zaps and the physical tension has caused fatigue. I almost collapsed at the grocery store checkout but was able to bring myself down and conserve what little energy I had left. Made the mistake of rushing a hot yoga class this week too. This morning after a sugar binge I experienced a moment of despair and panic I have not seen in some time. I'll be trimming my to-do list and really focusing in resting for the remainder of the week/weekend. Sugary treats met the garbage today. The binge is over. The abuse of the body and mind is over

 

Interesting libido levels middle of the night - my poor wife . I still attribute my worst times to coincide with lunar cycles.

 

Action items for this week: be gentle, focus on compassion, rest, eat well, breath.

 

PS thanks to all who continue to read and support and challenge me. I recognize this approach and philosophy does not resonate with everyone although one thing I think we all share is determination. My next imaginary mile marker is February 18th - the 9 month post SNRI.

[Altostrata]

Good to hear you're feeling so good you're bothering your wife!

[beconscious]

One month since my last update.

What I had set out to do last month: eat clean again, avoid stimulants, white sugar, fructose and white bleached flour, alcohol.  I was feeling extra depressed, somewhat panicky and an increase in worry, intrusive thinking. I attributed this all to my Christmas binge (in addition to being in month 19 from my Benzo CT withdrawal, and month 7 from a yo-yo Pristiq withdrawal).

 

I did exactly that, was extra gentle with myself, avoiding glowing screens, and picking up a yoga class once each week. The cleanest of eating was achieved.

Week 1 was terrible, with mood swings, irritability, mild rage and anger, and some moments of noticeable exhaustion.  As week 2 and 3 came and went I began to realize the fruits of my labor. The depression and worry lifted, my irritability and anger faded away.  I was reaping the benefits of eating moderately and variably (some days consistently every few hours, while others I was doing intermittent fasting, although not on purpose).  Increase and heavily weighted on healthy fats and by the fourth week something new was happening.  During this recovery period I began to have new feelings and sensations that I haven't had in about 2-3 years. Going to sleep at night I would awake about 1-2 hours later with a pleasant alertness (having completed a 90 minute circadian cycle) and laying in bed felt my heart rate slightly increased, then followed my breath.  I was on the verge of an unprompted and unsolicited orgasm.  Yep. Never got "there" but I was feeling good, and with a nice accompaniment of emotions. Thursday or Friday of last week I was awake late in the evening, and while drifting in and out of sleep I felt a sensation - the sort you experience when your sinuses begin to clear and you can breath clearly - but in my brain.  A bubble poppy clearing sound, and then emotions. Good emotions the way I remember, the way they felt before the benzo induced depression.  And there they stayed. Not the sudden good feelings I experienced throughout recovery - those kind that made me worry. These were a pleasant normal collection of feelings of Winnie-The-Pooh lip smacking wellness.  They followed me through the weekend, and into the afternoon today.  I feel like I have truly turned another corner in this process.  Normal good feelings. Perhaps they are back for good.  I will stick to this new eating routine and help preserve them as long as I can.

 

I knew I could get here, even if this is only a temporary and small gain. One of my last symptoms to resolve were the lingering emotional numbness, and now I have a glimpse. Or maybe I have arrived.  The hard work is worth it.  I think that with Spring now on the (distant) horizon I may have seen the last of this crappy depression.  Imagine, a summer that I can feel alive again.

[Rhiannon]

Wonderful news! Thanks for sharing your journey with us.

[Altostrata]

Amazing. Please add to this new topic http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/5737-what-does-healing-from-withdrawal-syndrome-feel-like/

 

Everyone will want to know what healing feels like for you.

[beconscious]

March Update:

This past month has been just fine.  I am consistently in a place where nothing is happening really. Enduring the winter, and Seasonal Affective Disorder is barely noticeable this year compared to last. I have rarely touched my blue light.

 

What I'm describing here is that my current baseline is a sense of "nothingness". The good high emotions and feeling still have yet to return, but the floor has been raised so high now that my 'windows' are now moments of elatedness. 

 

My latest test was a few days of staying up until 1:00AM, reading and surfing the internet.  The effects of stretching my sleep cycle were mild and barely noticeable.  

 

I have put many miles between me and the days of withdrawal.  I haven't decided whether I am completely healed yet, but I can say that I enjoy life almost all of the time now.  The spring, I think will offer the greatest sense of recovery as energy boosts and with it mood and stamina.

 

I think about those deep in withdrawal often, whether it be from a cold turkey, or a slow and agonizing taper.  Hang in there, your life will be new again.

[MollyN]

I'm so impressed beconscious. Your methodical approach is so sensible and you articulate it so clearly. I'm just beginning, but I really think I need to rethink other parts of my life too, especially in terms of sugar intake, caffeine and exercise.

[beconscious]

April update:

Nothing new to report over the past month.

 

Emotions and sensations have been quite stable and very neutral.

 

Diet: I sugar binged just 1 week and could easily see the effects it had on me.  I'm currently on another sugar detox.  I indulged in carbonated beverages once or twice which caused acid reflux and when I awoke with a start because I thought I was dying it took me little to no time at all to calm down.  It was the most severe moment of anxiety that I have had in 18 months and yet I watched as my body and mind very quickly recovered itself, flexing its growing muscle and ability to self soothe.  Favourite foods this month for good feels: Lindt dark chocolate (70% and up, chili chocolate), red green and yellow bell peppers and cucumbers.  A full cucumber and a bell pepper will send serotonin sky rocketing and you'll enjoy a euphoric trip for hours.  Slacking on water.  Fish oils have been almost non-existent and instead I have been relying on coconut oil and avocado oil as well as grass fed butter.  I have moved away from my good eating habits of every 2-3 hours due to a temporary dental treatment plan, and I'm hoping I'll adjust okay to reverting to wild and sporadic eating schedules.

 

Sleep: I have been staying up late 1 or 2 nights this month, well beyond 2:00AM. Something that could not be done before while in a state of withdrawal. My ability to rebound was stronger than ever and my 15 minute weekday naps took care of the drunken groggy state without much notice.  Day to day sleep has been very good, and the introduction of pillows and a sharp incline has made it even better.

 

The moon: I have said it before, and I'll say it again.  The new moon (dark moon) brings about such lack of energy and lethargy and conversely/inversely? the full moon keeps me pleasantly awake and aroused at night.  I have begun to build my routine and lifestyle around the lunar phase and the transition has been a perfect reminder to both enjoy good energy and also conserve it.

 

Activity: we're only just seeing single digit temperatures in my part of Canada and so I have not ventured outside much.  I continue to practice yoga in class once to twice weekly and otherwise chase the daughter around the house, which is sufficient exercise by itself.  The intention is to ramp up as the spring really opens up and as the body signals that even more energy is available to be spent.

 

Blue light: I have been slacking off on blue light therapy, especially compared how much I was using last year, but I am noticing very little in the way of adverse reactions to less exposure.

 

I am now approaching month 11 off Pristiq and month 22 off of Ativan.

 

The only prevailing symptom, if I can call it that, is anhedonia, but then again I could be misinterpreting it for healthy stable feelings, which I may never have experienced in my life until the crisis of medicine.  I suppose our emotional state is all relative.  

 

I realize this is turning into a diet and exercise report, and is becoming perhaps less useful to those people who are in the throes of withdrawal.  Over the course of this year I may scale back my updates and focus more infrequently on the larger milestones.

 

Best wishes to all.  You can do this!

 

Edited to say: I have forgot to mention that my cognitive and troubleshooting ability have increased noticeably.  At work I am venturing into new areas and able to tackle complex problems in ways I had not been able to for years. It was refreshing and encouraging to see growth in this area.  This was a noticeable change since mid February.

[beconscious]

This will be my final update post here on the forum. I consider all of my symptoms to be gone after this two year journey.  This month marks 24 months cold turkey from Ativan, and 12 months off a 3 month taper from Pristiq. It would be difficult to summarize in a final entry the key points and lessons learned in this process, but perhaps there is one key ingredient to successfully making it through this: compassion. Compassion for ourselves, and compassion for others.

 

I am thankful and happy to be off these drugs, and to have escaped with my life, and sense of well being. So much to be thankful for.

 

Again, best to all, wherever you are in your journey. You can absolutely do this.

[Altostrata]

Beconscious, that is such very good news. Thank you.

 

Please don't leave us without summarizing your recovery in our Success Story forum http://tinyurl.com/8uucq38

 

This will help so many people.

[Jemima]

beconscious,

 

Thank you so much for posting your success story. At this point, we staff close your Intro topic, but you are most welcome to continue posting in your success thread. I posted my success story recently and found that there are still some SSRI-related bumps in the road, but increasing contentment and joy as well. You are always welcome to come back and share with us, make comments, or ask questions.

 

The best of luck and many blessing in the future!  -Jemima

 

 

 

 

beconscious' success story here:  http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6366-success-beconscious-survives-ativan-and-pristiq/#entry88238