Morphologie: Risperidone nightmare

[Altostrata]

I would deal with the withdrawal rather than add thyroid supplementation to the mix. It can be activating.

 

You will be able to minimize the trazodone, you just need to go slow.

[Morphologie]

Thanks.

[Fizz]

Morph, I know too well how horrible it is when you feel so sick, seems near on impossible to get through this. However, we will do it, the natural outcome is recovery. You will be feeling better soon, hold on and wait it out. We are here for you, you're never alone. Hugs and hugs. Xxxxxxxx

[Morphologie]

Thanks Fizz.

[Morphologie]

Hi!

 

Well I wanted to go slowly but I couldn't take the sickness from the trazodone, so I went off it and went back on gabapentin.

 

I've been on and off gabapentin a couple times so I had some experience with that. It's another trap, I know, but I needed something, and it helps.

 

I am happy to report that I am not sick anymore and I don't wake up with an "unhappy to be alive" feeling anymore, so it must have been the trazodone. Plus I had some pain in my left arm and shoulder that went away after going off of it.

 

So, now I'm on 300 mg of gabapentin three times a day and .5 mg of clonazepam once a day.

 

I just started a taper of the clonazepam yesterday, so I took 90% of the .5 mg dose.

 

I'm better, but still not "well."

 

I'm scared about coming off clonazepam, because of what might be being masked/controlled by it. At the same time, I feel it's necessary to begin tapering because the longer I'm on it, the more addicted I will become and I don't want to stay on clonazepam, I'm pretty sure it's contributing to my depression, which is still pretty severe.

[Morphologie]

I'm not going to rush that one, though. The clonazepam. I'll taper it slowly as recommended.

[Altostrata]

Sounds like you've done the best you can for yourself. Please let us know how you're doing.

[Morphologie]

Sounds like you've done the best you can for yourself. Please let us know how you're doing.

 

Thank you so much for understanding that, Alto. I'll keep updating.

 

I had a good experience at a trauma support group at a women's center. There was another woman there who also had bad experiences with being hospitalized and validated a lot of the experiences I had. One of the facilitators/advocates also had a mother who went through horrible experiences with drugs also and being hospitalized from postpartum depression. It did me so much good to get their validation.

 

The advocates were awesome but I went to their organization for "official trauma therapy" and so far, after two days of intake, I am not impressed. It's too much personal stuff to share with someone who is only going to do 12 weeks of "evidence based" cognitive behavioral therapy. And she's like, 20 years younger and does not strike me as empathetic...and then she diagnosed me with recurrent severe major depression, which is not accurate because she based it on my post risperidone experience. I have never been that depressed in my entire life. I kept trying to stress that to her, but it didn't seem that meaningful to her. Getting through the paperwork did.

 

Plus I found a couple things she said to me humiliating. Which she probably didn't intend but seriously a 20 something year old "therapist" for the (lifelong) issues I'm carrying. I'm sick of it. It's inadequate. I can't relate to her. I could get past the young part if we at least "clicked" but we don't. I kind of don't like her after she said, "Well I can't change what happened (so let's just move on)" in response to my bringing up that I was not comfortable with her starting sessions late. it's really important to me that a therapist be on time. I just felt kind of talked down to, and I don't need that right now.

[Morphologie]

I think I should just trust myself and cancel it. The other thing is I could as if I could see a different therapist, but it probably wouldn't turn out much differently. I hate the state run organizations. They seem all the same to me.

[Morphologie]

I'm kind of down today. I just ate a whole bag of cookies and it's only 10:30 in the morning.

[Morphologie]

Is being worried about terrible things happening to you in life part of all this? Or maybe part of ptsd from drug withdrawal nightmare? When I got the akathisia and severe suicidal ideation from risperidone, it was such a horrific experience and it was something horrible I had no idea could happen to me/existed in the world and now I'm finding I'm really scared about things like accidents, and things like that people can get paralyzed, that people are raped and I'm a lot more scared that things like this could happen to me in my lifetime, much than I used to be. Maybe it's that I feel so much more vulnerable now. Anyone else felt like this?

[Meimeiquest]

I have fears of my youngest daughter dying. Like I was in tears in the night when she was away at Girl Scout camp.

[Morphologie]

I have fears of my youngest daughter dying. Like I was in tears in the night when she was away at Girl Scout camp.

 

I've always had a lot of fears about something bad happening to my son. That was before any drugs. Well, actually I had a bad reaction to morphine in the hospital after my c-section. I'm not sure if that was related to all the fears I had about something bad happening to him, or if that was just me. Meimei, did the fears about your daughter start after being on drugs or withdrawal?

[Meimeiquest]

The first thing that happened was a car crash 10 yrs. ago when she was 2. We were rear-ended and I went forward, then back, so much that the seat broke and my headrest struck her in the face while she was in her carseat. At first she seemed OK, then her alertness was decreasing. I was not hurt badly, but we were taken to separate ERs in the same hospital (adult/ped). My husband of course went to her. Adult ER was very busy, so I was not released for 6 hrs (plus the first 3 hrs I was in a hard neck brace and having come on a guerney, couldn't even see most of the environment). A ped ER nurse came to see me during my daughter's CT scan....told me Ellie was "sleepier than they'd like." Somehow they thought she'd come after the scan, so I heard nothing else. Because my dad had had a very debilitating head injury 5 years prior, I was primed to catastrophize. It was traumatic (although I am sure I seemed calm on the outside). In the end, she had several fractures and a head injury, but being 2 instead of 61, and a much less serious injury, she recovered well.

 

Then in 2006, 3months into Cymbalta therapy, I went sort of manic, and all sorts of things started linking weirdly in my head. One morning I was sure God told me Ellie was going to die while I was at an appt. Obviously she didn't, but there is still a weirdness about it. My gynecologist ( had a routine appt that day and had to tell her as I had to explain why my blood pressure was so high) calls them the "big scary thoughts." I had several things like that during that episode.

[Morphologie]

Oh my gosh that is very sad, Meimei. I'm sorry you and your family experienced that. I'm glad your daughter healed well. That is traumatic, I can see how you would have anxiety after those traumatic incidents.

[Morphologie]

I just woke up with tremor, I am unhappy to report.

 

I had that before going on the clonazepam. I was hoping that it had resolved itself. That was my hope that maybe the things that the clonazepam was treating would resolve while I was on it, and then I could come off it, and have them be gone.

 

I took it for akithisia, tremor, hand and leg shaking, and myclonic seizures when falling asleep. So far, hand shaking and tremor have worsened or reemerged since reducing the clonazepam 2 days ago to 90% of .5 mg.

 

I wonder, could taking the clonazepam stop my body from resolving the problem on it's own? I hope my body can resolve it. I don't want to have those things the rest of my life and I don't want to take clonazepam the rest of my life either because it makes me depressed and it causes my hair fall out.

 

I don't have the tremor now that I'm awake, just as I was waking up, like I was having it in my sleep.

 

I'm so angry about them giving me seroquel in the hospital. That's when the shaking and myocolonus began. The akathisia happened when I came off the risperidone. And I didn't even take the seroquel for very long. Just several days.

 

Anyway, rather than going back up on the dose, I'm going to give it some time, because I don't want a drug to just cover it up, I want it to heal and so far it's not too bad that I can't deal with it. I was just hoping that had resolved.

[Morphologie]

I see tremors is listed as a withdrawal symptom of clonazepam.

[Morphologie]

I'm scared. Maybe I should raise it back up to .5 mg. I've had enough hell and I was just starting to feel like I was getting better. But won't it be harder to get off of it, the longer I'm on it?

[Altostrata]

Morphologie, please put your withdrawal history in your signature, instructions here http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/893-please-put-your-withdrawal-history-in-your-signature/ With that information, we can better answer your questions.

[Morphologie]

Okay, will do. There is more to my story with psychiatric drugs, anyway, before the risperidone nightmare. I did just take the full .5 mg of the clonazepam. I looked at my calendar where I was noting my reductions and it hasn't even been month since I was on a full mg, so I think I'm going too quickly. Plus I came off the trazodone just two weeks ago, so I really shouldn't mess with the clonazepam right now. I'll write up that history, though.

[Rhiannon]

Given that you just quit trazodone without really tapering it sounds like, and you've had a bunch of other med changes, it doesn't seem to me like it's a great time to be trying to taper clonazepam just yet. Benzo tapers go MUCH MUCH better if you start out feeling pretty stable to begin with.

 

You don't need to worry about getting "more addicted." You've already been taking it long enough to become dependent. Waiting a couple of months to start your taper won't make you more dependent.

[Morphologie]

Thanks, Rhi.

[Meimeiquest]

This is not research, but my dad with the head injury (thanks for the kind words) was severely messed over by Geodon. Because of his head injury, the psychiatrist and neurological did not want to change drugs. It was his new PCP who said the drug had to be stopped. He could not even walk nor eat properly (food just pouched into his cheeks). He healed completely over time except for one facial twitch, and his brain is a mess and he had psych probs before his accident.

[Morphologie]

This is not research, but my dad with the head injury (thanks for the kind words) was severely messed over by Geodon. Because of his head injury, the psychiatrist and neurological did not want to change drugs. It was his new PCP who said the drug had to be stopped. He could not even walk nor eat properly (food just pouched into his cheeks). He healed completely over time except for one facial twitch, and his brain is a mess and he had psych probs before his accident.

I'm glad his new PCP took him off the drug.  Not being able to walk and eat properly isn't a tolerable "side effect."    When I was in the hospital and they had me on seroquel, which I was taking under duress (the threat of being sent to the state mental hospital as involunatry if I did not) I couldn't talk properly, and nobody at the hospital cared.  I called my old boss because I didn't have any family support and she was shocked at how I sounded. Yet the hospital people just looked at this as "my illness."  God I am angry with them.  And even more at myself for going there.  That was stupid.

[Morphologie]

I am scared out of my mind now that the nervous system symptoms of shaking and involuntary movements is permanent and the clonazepam is treating it, but obviously not curing it.  I wonder, will it always be there "underneath" the clonazepam? I'm so scared it's permanent, especially now after getting symptoms after reducing the clonazepam. I'm back on the 5 mg now.  Today I took the larger half of the pill I split so I got a little more than half.  I'm a mess today.  Hopefully since it was just two days of reduction and a small reduction at that, it will resolve quickly. I'm afraid Im going to have to be on this drug the rest of my life, because of the shaking. And how horrible that clonazepam withdrawal can cause the same type of things I'm taking it to treat.  

[Morphologie]

How does that work?  Does the drug just cover the symptoms but stop healing? How does healing occur?  What I'm getting at, is it does it need to be unmasked to have a chance of resolving on it's own?

[Morphologie]

Today will be the 4th day of back on .5 mg and I'm still not feeling okay.  I had an okay morning yesterday and then a huge (unusual) nap for 4 hours in the afternoon (normally I can't nap) then woke up feeling terrible.  Then I had a bad tossy turny night of sleep last night with bad dreams and woke up this morning feeling dysphoric and anxious.. 

[Morphologie]

9 days back on .5 mg clonazepam and still not feeling all right

[Morphologie]

Popping in for an update. 

 

While I was gone, I went back on (and then off) Nardil.

 

I am now down to (less than) .25 mg clonazepam.

 

My plan is to try coping without an antidepressant, plus I am halting my clonazepam taper (holding the current dose.)

 

I'm really not doing too badly right now (compared to how I was doing before) but I think I need to stop the clonazepam taper because I am starting to get shaking and sleep jerks which I haven't experienced for awhile) 

 

Still not functioning that well but miles above where I was before.  I'm not suicidal for the time being and I am starting to feel some hope.

[Skyler]

I am now down to (less than) .25 mg clonazepam.

 

What method are you using to taper clonazepam. Are you making a liquid suspension with milk? You may want to post a response in the benzo sub forum.

[Morphologie]

Still not functioning that well but miles above where I was before.  I'm not suicidal for the time being and I am starting to feel some hope.

 

 

Well, actually, I am probably just in an up mood this morning, but that in itself if encouraging.

[Morphologie]

Hi, Skyler.  My method has been scraping off a tiny bit each day, and holding temporarily sometimes and weighing it on my little scale.  Cutting a big chunk like 10% at a time, my body didn't like that method.  I like this better, taking a teeny tiny bit off each day.  Though I'm going to hold now.

[Skyler]

Hi, Skyler.  My method has been scraping off a tiny bit each day, and holding temporarily sometimes and weighing it on my little scale.  Cutting a big chunk like 10% at a time, my body didn't like that method.  I like this better, taking a teeny tiny bit off each day.  Though I'm going to hold now.

 

Hi again Morpho... you can't taper reliably off the last .25 mgs K by scraping tablets... This is why you are having issues with WD.  You are right to hold.. You need to do so until you settle down. 

 

When people get to lower doses, it's necessary to use a milk suspension. What kind of a scale are you using?  When you are ready to taper again, open a thread on the benzo sub forum.

[Morphologie]

Something horrible happened.

 

I was doing all right, you know, not great, but not too terrible, I could cope, you know, and then about two weeks ago, I took an antibiotic (only one day because it affected me so badly) and now I am totally trashed physically and emotionally.  I was doing all right and now I almost feel like I need to go back to the psyche ward.  Suicidal, social phobia to the extreme, mental confusion, exhaustion, hard to get out of bed and leave the house...I've really been isolating myself since then.  I started researching today and saw something about others on the net having a hard time in WD from antibiotics.  I wish I knew this before.  I feel like I lost a lot of ground I gained. 

[Skyler]

Something horrible happened.

 

I was doing all right, you know, not great, but not too terrible, I could cope, you know, and then about two weeks ago, I took an antibiotic (only one day because it affected me so badly) and now I am totally trashed physically and emotionally.  I was doing all right and now I almost feel like I need to go back to the psyche ward.  Suicidal, social phobia to the extreme, mental confusion, exhaustion, hard to get out of bed and leave the house...I've really been isolating myself since then.  I started researching today and saw something about others on the net having a hard time in WD from antibiotics.  I wish I knew this before.  I feel like I lost a lot of ground I gained. 

 

I'm sorry you have had such a dreadful time... by any chance, was it Cipro you took? That drug has a real bad rep, and I've read as little as one cap can cause what you describe.. And it does not have to be related to WD, just some folks have a very very bad reaction.

[tezza]

Hi Morphologie,

 

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Certain antibiotics have caused problems for other members, too. It's a shame that we have to be so careful of what we take in, now.

 

You will get over this and feel better, again.

 

Hang in there!