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Nikki

Letter to God

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Nikki

I am having problems with anxiety and being depressed. Nothing new. When I journal I journal to my Higher Power whom I called God.

 

Dear God

 

Why do things have to be like this? Why do I have to struggle with myself every day? As soon as my eyes open there is the dread. I am trying to change my thinking and focus on the positive but it is becoming more and more difficult.

 

I don't trust my judgement anymore. I have the thoughts of I rather be dead than live like this the rest of my life.

 

Can you show me the way out of this, please God. I want to be safe, secure, loved, cared for and cared about. How do I get there? Please break this cycle. What are you trying to show me? I can't figure it out.

 

I can't stand myself anymore. Please help me to unravel all of this and get to the core. What are the answers? I need to find the solutions.

 

Please release me from dread, financial insecurity, unmanageability, help me get myself in to a healthy physical state. I've been isolating due to working, or because I want to isolate, I don't know. Help me find happiness.

 

I can't seem to overcome the simplest of things.I want to have faith and you as my companions, not fear.

 

I know i can't orchestrate the world to fill my needs, just show me how to navigate thru it and find some joy. This can't be how the rest of my life is going to be. God that scares me.

 

I want to be okay in all areas. I feel like repeating that over and over again until you hear me.God are you there? Make the road clear, please.

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GiaK

Nikki...

hang on...you're doing it just right...sometimes the road is a jungle with no clear path...but god is there...I've gotten through my dark night...keep on truckin...you'll get there too...

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Nikki

GiaK thank you. I know this is not a religious fellowship, but I pray and try to stay connected with God/Universe whatever it is.

 

Right now I actually rather be dead then live like this anymore. There are reprieves, respites and good spaces and then boom, it stops and I get slammed.

 

I just started EMDR therapy and I hope it helps. I don't know what this is other than to call it depression or intense frustration. I get up and show up, take care of business whatever that entails.

 

Pills aren't going to change it. I have to, somehow I have to change my life.

 

I do the footwork and ask for guidance all day long :( It's bad in the morning and it lingers with me 90% of the time. It's not thriving, it's surviving from one day to the next.

 

I don't know where else to go with this. Friends, prayer, Al-anon meetings, and now a counselor. I know I sound like a broken record and I am embarrassed by that here.

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Barbarannamated

If i were to write a letter to God right now, it would be far less civil than yours, Nikki.

 

Your post about losing permanent alimony from an abusive former spouse opened my eyes to the Catch-22 you've been in. I'll comment on your thread.

 

I'm sorry you're struggling so much.

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Meimeiquest

Dear Nikki,

 

My heart so goes out to you, both in your circumstances and your sorrows.

 

I recently read a book that helped me a lot. But it could very easily be offensive. If you read it, you might want to read the author's story in the appendix first. Anyway, it's called Good Mood Bad Mood. It is written in a very matter-of-fact way...nothing heartwarming about it. The Kindle edition is quite affordable.

 

It is a Christian book, so I will say a couple of things: So many people have been hurt by the organized church in the U.S. But Jesus reserved his harshest words for the religious leaders of his day. Jesus also said that true and false Christians would be mixed together in an indistinguishable way during the history of mankind on earth. So if you want to look at true Christianity, you have to look for the true Jesus.

 

This is what sustains me. And it is enough, although the struggles are real. But I truly learn from the things that people share from all perspectives.

 

I will now return to my life of nausea :).

 

Hugs!

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Nikki

Barb I was actually thinking about you when I wrote my letter. Angry, you bet. Have you ever just let it rip while alone? It may be cleansing for you.

 

Barb without trying to sound like a huge baby ~ On Sunday when I read the cover story on the Newspaper I thought I was going to keel over and die. I wished I had. I was divorced in 2003.

My alimony was decreed as permanent although the amounts have changed. Each time he takes me to court I have to pay attorney's fees.

 

What this Governor is up to is beyond me. I can only guess he hates women. He wants it to be retroactive! And the amount lowered to 25%.

 

Along with this, on Saturday a neighbor who is on the Board of the HOA wants to put into effect that every roof be replaced by the HOA which would incur a $3000. assessment for homeowner's. She has two homes each one had a leak.

 

We have concrete slab roofs. Mine and just about everyone her is okay. I can't swing the assessment and my roof is fine. She wants the balconies replaced to the tune of $15,000. Mine are in perfect condition.

 

She wants a camera at the entrance of the development installed. It was voted down.

 

There is an overhang at the pool. It is thick wood and covered with beautiful vines for shade. It is $72,000 to replace and they want to assess the Homeowner's.

 

Between this/alimony and just sending in my check for the IRS and my HOA dues I am about ready to shoot myself.

 

I guess it overwhelmed me. I used to have that kind of money. I don't now.

 

I want to strangle the GYN for lowering my hormones by 75mgs. I don't feel well.

 

Blah Blah Blah.....I sound like a bug baby, but inside I have had enough struggling.

 

Since I began the Lexapro taper things have gone downhill with very little respites in between.

 

It's the depression that is getting to me. It sucks to feel depressed. it's gotten to a point where when something good happens I don't see it, I just keeping waiting to lose it again.

 

Sorry to inundate all of you. I don't know if I can pull myself out of it.

 

Love and thanks

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basildev

Nikki,

 

don't be sorry. That's what this forum is for.

 

And you don't sound like a broken record. You sound like someone who has been given more than her fair share of hardship.

 

I'm inspired when I read your posts and the help you offer others on this site even when you're in the depths of despair yourself.

 

I hope you get a big fat shiny window very soon.

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Jemima

How I feel for you, Nikki! I seem to go to that same place all too often, myself.

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Nikki

It's real life issues that have me running scared. I know alot of people say their emotions have been blunted while on meds, but that is not me.

 

When I came home last night my daughter asked me if I wanted to consider working at the Ritz Carlton. She spoke to me about the alimony issue and various other issues and made some suggestions.

 

My head and thoughts are scattered. She made alot of sense and I love her for thinking about her Mom :P

 

Is all of this a reality check? I really want to leave TJMaxx. Yes it is nice to have that little paycheck on Fridays, but it is a sweat-shop. It really is.

 

Journaled to Higher Power this morning and usually I am not angry at him when I do, but today I am. But I won't stop. I keep praying for answers.

 

"God please send answers, a sign, something. Please lift these awful internal feelings of hopelessness and despair. Please give me the insight and strength I need to move forward. I just want a simpler life". "The problems never stop. I just want things to improve. Please help."

 

What I really want to say, it cut me some slack, and help me move forward.

 

thank you guys

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Nikki

Need to read Starlite Girls post on acceptance.

 

PS

 

My mother called me yesterday and said because she did not see anything on CNN, I must have dreamed the alimony news and believed it was real :blink:<_<:unsure::angry:

 

 

No wonder I have emotional issues :D

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Nikki

I really wish I knew what is wrong with me.

 

The meds are useless it seems. Then again maybe they are keeping me from jumping off a bridge.

 

My internal thoughts/feelings are not improving. I can't seem to find the words or answers to what it is all about. I know there is fear and dread in the mix.

 

Happiness is an inside job I've been told. Just can't seem to pull myself out of this and enjoy life. I struggle with myself all day long.

 

How do I find answers and the solutions to having a happy life. Talk about being stuck in misery and confusion. This has been going on for a number of years now. Wow.

 

I unload on the site like you are going to be able find the answers for me.

 

I am tired, confused, depressed, anxious, and above all lost. I do feel terribly alone.

And scared most of the time.

 

The kicker is that psych meds were supposed to help alleviate the desperation so I could calm down and see things more clearly. Not happening.

 

I haven't found my place in the world, where I belong and what I should be doing.

 

There I said it.....now to find the answers.

 

Thanks guys for letting me get this out.

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SaltedGingkoNuts

You are NOT alone!!!

 

You have found us and we have found you!!

 

You are now part of this FAMILY and we'll NEVER let you go!!

 

Please continue to unload on this site as much as you want!!!

 

Please continue to reach out!!!

 

Please continue to search for God!!!

 

We are in this TOGETHER!

 

You are LOVED!

 

:D:D:D

 

-Salted

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Nikki

SGN what a lovely note....thank you so much.

 

I will be seeing the counselor today. I wonder if I am like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz in that i don't need to look any further than my own backyard and just don't know it. :P

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basildev

{{{{BIG HUG}}}} Nikki xxx

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lexicon

Thinking of you Nikki ..

Stay brave ..hugs and xx

Lexi

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TrishF

Nikki...

I could have written that exact same letter today. It helps me to know I am not alone, and I hope that helps you, too.

I have to keep believe that I will come to a time of each moment not being a burden. Trust and believe.

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Nikki

Marianne Williamson

Many years ago someone said to me, "Marianne, you're so hard on yourself. And the reason you're so hard on yourself is because you're so easy on yourself." It was one of the wisest things anyone has ever told me, and it has guided me every since.

 

Sometimes we're too easy on ourselves, lacking self-discipline and giving ourselves slack and in places where we simply shouldn't. Then we're loaded with guilt and suffering! The only way to end the torture of self-condemnation is to try to live a life that earns your self-respect.

 

I do this every day :rolleyes:

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Nikki

Hey Nikki,

Sorry you're struggling with the depression and that the meds are not taking it away.

 

Perhaps it's life that's causing the depression, and perhaps med will never take that particular cause away...

 

I know that sounds simplistic but it's true isn't it? You've got a lot to contend with in your life and until those issues abate or you are able to deal with them differently and effectively, things are going to be difficult. Sometimes that's just life and you have to try to get through it I suppose. Hard though!

 

Can you please tell me how to deal with things more effectively and differently. That is what I am looking for.

 

Is lexapro escitalopram? If so, I wouldn't underestimate this drug. I went through a range of psychiatric moods whilst coming off it ... and afterwards... it does weird things to you!

 

It is Celexa (citalopram) a close cousin of Lexapro.

With it finally out of my system, I can assure you that a depressed, paranoid, obsessive, anxious woman who became convinced she had a whole range of psychiatric and personality disorders whilst taking and withdrawing from that drug....became normal once again. I now feel balanced, depression free, not anxious at all and certainly not paranoid or obsessive. This drug induces pure chaos!

 

How wonderful for you. I believe that is what we are all after (feeling balanced, depression free, not anxious and not obsessive. What did you do differently to arrive at this place in your life....please tell me.

 

You will get better too and will deal with things better when you do.

Keep going.

xxx

 

Thank you

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Nikki

Than you for the snippets :) as you called them.

 

I am starting to peel away the layers if the onion.  I can identify what I am doing that is self-defeating and giving me more angst.

It's me.  I have to go beneath this to find out why.

 

1.  You mentioned self-esteem and I have an issue or two or three here.

  I think I look terrible.

 

2.  Weight gain has to do with this.  I am slightly over-weight.  And I have self-loathing.

 

3.  Sugar addiction.  I am out of control and have been for a long time.  I know when I put chocolate in my mouth there is a

quick feeling of deliciousness, followed by self-disdain.

It is emotional eating.  I am filling a void I think.  That void may be lonliness and being scared.

 

I am spending too much at the grocery store.

 

4.  I am not answering the phone.  I look at at the number and let it go to voicemail and then call back.  Avoidance?  Why?

 

5.  I am not going thru my mail and sitting down and doing paperwork.  I am letting it build.

 

6.  I need to do things around my home.  Paint, re-carpet stairs, minor things and I am not doing it.  I have two cocktail tables

in my living room because I can't decide which one I want. There are pics that need to be hung.  I have patio plaques

that have been sitting on the patio.  They need to be hung.  All I have to do is ask my neighbor to come over.

 

7.  I am not keeping professional records of money.  I keep putting it off.

 

There is something underneath all of this.  I have to get to the bottom of it and I want to thank you for gettingthe ball-rolling for me.

 

I have had these character short-comings before meds, some of them were not as bad.  Like eating.

 

I think that when you get to that point you realise that something has to change and you begin to think about things very seriously.  Personally, I think that what struck me most initially was that I didn't recognise myself anymore.

 

I began to question why I had made mistakes, where I had gone wrong and why I questioned everything I did these days.  The answers started to come through.

 

For me, I had become self doubting

 

I read everything I could find, and began to see that the drugs were controlling me too and shaping my behaviour which I was translating as "mental illness."

 

Once I stopped thinking of myself as weak/a victim and I started to take back control of my life alongside the re-building of my self esteem in therapy, I began to realise that getting better was something that only I could achieve.

 

Most important of all - I faced each part of my problems.  I'm still working on this.

 

Identify what's going wrong. Decide that you need things to change...and mean it.  Find supporters to help you through it. Become informed regarding any legal / health / drug problems and refuse to be intimidated .... empower yourself. Get the right therapy. Face the problems and deal with them decisively.

 

It takes less strength than you think.  Be determined to improve your life and it will happen.

 

Thanks again very powerful stuff

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Nikki

God...

 

Please help us get thru this.  Please help us accept whatever is going to happen with mom.  She is ready, I am not.  Please help me to face this and her passing if that is what is going to happen next.  I will make sure that today I tell her how much I love her.  I will be relying on you 24/7.

 

Thank you for my daughter's help and my friends and family members.  So grateful to have them in my life.  Just help me keep my wits about me and not fall apart.

 

Thank you

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Nikki

I just posted this or some of it to Barb and wanted to come here and share it with the group because I have been crying over this for a long time now.  I have posted this thread and another one I titled The Pursuit of Happiness.....why because I can't seem to get there :wacko:

 

An old friend volnteered to help me do an inventory on what is bothering me and why I carry around A&D, fear, worry, etc.  The whole gamut.

 

Yesterday I was reading from two Daily Reader's and both books revealed to me what is bugging me.

 

Feeling trapped in my circumstances.  Very simply put.  Many of you may be able to identify with this with tapering.

For me it is my circumstances since 2009 which resulted in job loss and various other problems that followed that.

 

Since that time I have been trying to put myself in a place of security, plus.  Happy, Joyous and Free would be nice, but I am rarely there.

 

Being trapped in my present circumstances is that chronic waking in the morning and immediately having  the A&D.  I have had mornings where I woke up without it and it was wonderful, really wonderful.

 

My income in 2009 was about $72,000/year  -  $50,000 of it was alimony.  I had a wonderful job and a savings; health care, a big house which I loved.  I went thru a Lexapro taper, and as bad as I felt, I had security.  I never mssed a day of work.

 

The economy tanked out and I lost my job, my former spouse lost his.  I had the good sense to sell my house and buy a smaller one right around the corner eliminating a mortgage.  Thank you God.

 

My daughter was very sick during the last few years from an autoimmune disease, my alimony is very minimal now.  Been to court with my ex which sucks.  Lawyers cost money.  Should have been a Lawyer. <_<

 

Has a few jobs and lost them.  And then came the decision to strike out on my own.  Became my mother's care taker.

 

Yes it was alot.  BUT I CAN'T GET OUT OF THE DOWNER.

 

 I am sure lots of you have been thru hard times too.

 

Sooooo after whinning endlessly I have realized what it is Being trapped in my circumstances and the fear and worry and DREAD that comes along with  it.  NOt being able to see a light at the end of the tunnel.  Fear of old age and being alone....you name it I got it.

 

I started to journal a little about it and bits and pieces come to me.  Where to go from here is the next issue after exploring this some more.  I am going to do this with a friend, not a therapist.  Self Love, Self Esteen, that's part of it too,

 

And.....self defeating behaviors which I've shared about.

 

Than you Marmite for helping me to open this door:)  It's easier to look inside then keep this at bay, circling over my shoulder.

 

One more thing.....there isn't a day I don't think about AD's, how they are affecting me, if I need them, how can I do a taper, is there something else....yadayadayada  Meds are a big part of the mix

 

Thank you guys ;)

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cmusic

Hi Nikki,

 

I just read this post and wanted to say that I hear you and can identify with the pain you're going through. Into am in an impossibly tough situation with intense A&D every day that doesn't relent. I cry and have a constant feeling of terror.

 

This leads me to incessant thinking about being trapped. About whether I should be taking the meds or not. I have physical symptoms like burning fever feeling which I can't diagnose, and this adds to the suffering. Could it be the meds? Is it the meds? What do I do?

 

I wake and think about this. I think about it all day incessantly. Even in intense moments I can't focus myself outward. I am trying to get back to work but barely making it. I only hope that things will improve. My two young kids and wife deserve it.

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Nikki

Sorry I didn't reply.  I was taking a break from the site and basking in the sun of tapering and not having WD symptoms....

 

In the symptoms forum Giak just posted a link on Mindful Meditation.  It is very helfpul.  I had been doing it and will return to it.

Click on her link and then go over to Amazon.com for CD's.

 

Meditation is powerful stuff.  I was working like a madwoman, stopped meditation and just became a busy madwoman ;)

 

Rhi pointed out in another post about the incessant thinking and feeling trapped.  It really is part of WD.  For me the worst part.

I can handle the physical symptoms, but the committee in between my ears is what slays me.

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johnson

Hi Nikki,

 

This topic was pretty difficult for me to read just because I've kinda lost my faith.

I started praying again day and night. What I do now is first tell God what I am thankful for each day.

Then I pray for what I need help with.

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Nikki

Wow just read thru this whole thread.  What lovely people there on on this site....thank you all.

 

I can see from going back thru older posts that I have ups and downs (mostly downs).

 

Does anyone here (I do this) write down the issues and try to compartmentalize them for clarity and then look for the solution?

 

In my life I seem to have Drug issues with antidepressants ~ and ~ personal issues or struggles which I desperately want to overcome.

 

So in the morning I journal to God:

 

God right now I am very worried over my daughter.  Something is just not right. Please help her sort through it and come out the other side.

 

Please help me work towards building my business so that I can give myself some financial peace of mind.

 

Please release me from anxiety. What is it like to not have anxiety.

 

Please give me the clarity to figure it all out and do the next right thing.  I know I get in my own way.

 

Why can't life get a bit easier?  Enough of the stuff.

 

I am having some regrets about leaving TJMaxx.  I have some extra time on my hands and this may not be so good for me.

I do miss the Friday paycheck particularly after my daughter being out of work for four months.

 

What the heck am I doing wrong?  How can I simplify me life?

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Nikki

Basically my Letter To God is the same.  Same stuff ~ different day.

 

Dear God please help me to change my thinking at the core.  for years I have been praying for healthy, wholesome thinking peace of mind and not to have anxiety.

 

Right now I am in a drug transition and it is affecting m thinking very deeply. I am scared and afraid I may have hurt myself by the crossover.  I just want to simplify the drug issue by just stcking to one med and try to get out of the anxiety hole.

 

I am riddled with self doubt and need to rely on someone other than myself right now.  Please me the way out of my difficulties.

 

Marmite said they re behaviors.  Why is it so hard for me to change them, or at least give myself permission to go thru the transition. I don't know if I did the right thing.  Please send some guidance.

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Nikki

Please heal my daughter.  Take away her pain.  Let her walk into a good life, free from abuse.

 

Please heal me from all of it.

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Zoe

Praying for you Nikki & sending hugs your way. I can relate to how you are praying. My form of it now is to ask God to heal the root cause of the anxiety, depression and negative mind set. I read something the other day that I am trying to do. It's to thank God for the healing that he is sending before we are actually aware of it. The article said that this would increase our faith while we are waiting for the answer. A lot of times my reactions to things can be automatically negative or simply a form of anxiety when that is not truthful at all. I think this will be a long process to fix, but with God's help we can get there. Hang in there - prayers for your daughter also. 

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Nikki

Zoe that is part of what I do....I will say Thank you for healing me.

 

Right now the path is rough.  I need to sit down and re asses  things.  There must be something I can do to help me get myself together.

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Zoe

How is your diet & hormone levels? I have been reading a lot on diet & other things that can help strengthen our bodies & minds. Diet is a big one & hormone levels another. I had my hormone levels tested & they were really low- I'm 58. I went on some bio-identical ones & they have made a world of difference. Hang in there- I will keep on praying for you- God hasn't forgotten you!

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Ellen042

Nikki, I've skimmed through your thread but haven't read it all.  I'm touched by your honesty.  So often we feel like we have to put on a strong air for others to accept us.  No, you don't sound like a broken record at all.  You do sound like you're suffering both emotionally and spiritually though.  When I pray or write to God, I know exactly who I'm talking to.  Being unsure of who you're being so open and honest with must be even harder.  I have an idea/suggestion that of course you're completely free to take or leave.  Your choice.  I find that reading through the Psalms is especially comforting. The authors there are even more real, open, and honest than anyone I've ever met face to face. They get angry with God and tell Him so. They feel abandoned and tell God so. They feel like Got is using them for destructive target practice and tell Him so. Reading this poetry in the Bible lets me know 1)that I'm not alone, and 2)that our society has taught us to stuff our feelings. As a Christian, Jesus is my God. I remember one day asking/telling Jesus that if He is real He'd have to prove Himself to me. Three days later He did. If you're wanting an intimate relationship with God where you know you are loved, you can always ask God to reveal to you who He is and that He's real. Just a thought. You're free to take it or leave it. I just personally know that I couldn't make it through life without being as honest with God as you are AND knowing who He is and that He loves me. Blessings to you.

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Jovie

Nikki, I have written many similar letters to God. But....much less civil, unfortunately :( Actually just last night I pretty much let it all out and screamed at the top of my lungs how angry I was at him. Why? Because all this time I've been asking and begging for help, and he hasn't helped.  I told him all I am is a sensitive, damaged person who just wants help and instead he has allowed me to be damaged more. I told him I didn't understand because I would have done anything he wanted me to if only he'd have given me the ability to do so (healing.) There was a lot of rage :unsure:  I feel abandoned, and I'm sorry to say it but I told him that I gave up, I couldn't do it anymore. I can't keep praying and hoping and waiting for help when it doesn't come, it's torturing me...I literally can't do it, it is not good for my health. I've been praying for help for a long, long time. But apparently he won't.

 

Does anyone have any advice on this painful issue? Why would he not help us? :(

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Nikki

Hi Jovie and Ellen

 

Jovie have you tried reading books like Break Thru by Joel Osteen.  I found that stumbling onto these books was and is very helpful and sometimes our High Power speaks thru others.  I understand your frustration.  We all have it.

 

A long time ago I learned about a God Box....write down your requests or whatever it is you need help with and put the note into a box and leave it there.

 

When I log onto Facebook I go to sites that are spiritual and uplifting.

 

I remember an interview with Matt Lauer and former President George Bush Jr. and in his book Mr. Bush said "faith is a walk."  I agree.  For me it waxes and wanes.

 

Sometimes God speaks thru others.  Can you look at that happening for your here on this site?

 

Nikki

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Petunia

I'm very hesitant to write in this thread because I have a non-traditional understanding of God and I don't want to offend anyone,  everyone has a right to believe whatever works best for them and their lives.  But it does upset me when I see people struggling from within their beliefs, feeling abandoned, confused and helpless.  Our spiritual values are supposed to be a positive part of our lives.

 

Please disregard this if it doesn't work with your particular beliefs.

 

I've never actually written to God, but I did encounter Him once, it was quite a shock.  I was doing a new age kind of thing called 'The Journey', made popular through a book of the same name by Brandon Bays.  I was taken on this journey by a counselor and was supposed to meet up with various people from my life and past who had hurt me and I was to sort of role play a conversation as a way of deepening understanding and healing.  It was a lot like hypnosis, you are aware, but not completely in control of what happens.

 

Anyway, I ended up inside this kind of bubble thing having a very heated conversation with God. God was outside the bubble.  I was angry and hurt and confused and was demanding answers.  I remember feeling very slightly guilty, for arrogantly confronting God this way, but in a strange way, I felt like I was His equal and deserved some answers.

 

I got no answers, but God wasn't angry with me for being so rude and obnoxious, He completely understood and even though I saw no physical form, I knew he was smiling, a knowing, peaceful smile.  It sort of comforted me and gave me a little hope, not much, but more than I started out with.

 

When I had finished my session, my counselor asked me what I had encountered and how it went, when I told her that I had talked to God, she was very shocked, she said no one had ever met with God before on a journey she had led.

 

That was about 7 years ago, and since then, my spiritual beliefs have evolved a bit. But I still remember my encounter with God.  Actually, that's not my first encounter with Him.  I had another one maybe 5 or 6 years before that, it was during a reiki session. I had agreed to have a reiki session because my sister had done one and told me it was amazing, I didn't believe anything would happen, not really, but apparently this person was 'the real deal', so I decided to try, and I was a little scared.

 

It took a while for me to relax and let go and let the process work on me, but when I started to trust it, there was like a huge release of energy which started pouring out of me.  Years and years worth of pain and anguish was coming out of me as tears and sobs and howls.  When all the pain was released, apparently I needed to have some good energy put in and I can't remember the details of how that was done, but suddenly I was aware of the most beautiful warm, pure light sort of up and to the left.  It made me know, without a shadow of a doubt that everything was exactly as it was meant to be and that in the end, we would be together as one.  I remember thinking - is that God, it seems like the kind of message I would get from God, but it couldn't be because humans are not supposed to be able to communicate directly with God, we would explode or something, but it had seemed so real and I hadn't exploded.

 

As the days, weeks and months went by, the intensity of the experience started to wear off and I came to the conclusion that perhaps it had just been my imagination or something.

 

Since I was a very young child, I've always had a sense that there was something outside of myself that was watching over me, protecting me, being with me through difficult times.  But since going into withdrawal, I've felt completely abandoned, by my Angels, my guides, Jesus and the various other 'messengers' of God I have turned to over the years.

 

Now, its just me and God, and He is ignoring me, or He seems to be.  He is ignoring me so completely that its putting a huge strain on my faith, I'm wondering if perhaps he doesn't exist after all and that its all been some kind of a self protective, comforting trick of my imagination.

 

But reading through part of this thread and thinking about how most people pray or write letters, asking for something for themselves or their loved ones it dawned on me that we may have got it all wrong.  God isn't like Santa Claus or the Good Fairy, granting prayers or wishes to those of us who ask properly or do the 'right' things.

 

God is more like a divine, pure, ever present energy, available in every moment, whos only goal is to fill us and be one with us, if we would only get out of our own way and stop demanding that our 'will' be satisfied, rather than His 'will'.  God wants to be with us, to live through us, to experience life, all life in all its forms and patterns, but God can't be part of us in the way He wants to be, if we keep wanting things our own way.... including being healed of our illnesses, right now so that we can go back to the life we enjoyed before.  Maybe God wants to experience illness and some of us have been chosen (or choose) to honor God in His wishes and allow Him to use our bodies in this way for this experience.  The struggle for us is to let go of our stubborn, human ego desires to have things exactly the way we want and to trust that God really does know best.

 

I'm not sure if this is translating into words very well, but by willingly sacrificing our human desires for pleasure and comfort, and by allowing and accepting that what God is willing for us right now is the highest truth of our being, then through that surrender of our own will and desire, we can, in every moment, experience God and our Self as one.

 

Maybe as part of your letters and prayers, instead of asking God for what you want, ask God what He wants through you, and ask for guidance with how to let go of everything which is standing in the way of accepting His will.

 

I'm not sure if that helps anyone, it just kind of wrote itself once I got started. It does make sense in a way because healing from withdrawal takes as long as it takes and there's not much we can do to change that.  But by staying calm, taking care of our bodies the best we can and accepting the reality of the situation, that eliminates the stress which comes from constantly fighting with reality. And minimizing stress is one of the things which does actually help.

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Nikki

Petu that is amazing, insightful and very helpful.  Thank you for your for your honesty.

 

"I'm not sure if this is translating into words very well, but by willingly sacrificing our human desires for pleasure and comfort, and by allowing and accepting that what God is willing for us right now is the highest truth of our being, then through that surrender of our own will and desire, we can, in every moment, experience God and our Self as one.

 

Maybe as part of your letters and prayers, instead of asking God for what you want, ask God what He wants through you, and ask for guidance with how to let go of everything which is standing in the way of accepting His will."

 

I am trying to force change in my life to obtain a goal.  I have, in the past, practiced 'surrender' and I did feel better. 

 

I do get confused about whether or not a God really exists.  But I chose to believe there is an act as if by praying.  Sometimes I believe in the new age physics of God being the energy or the universe.

 

Right now I am in such a depressed state that I don't know what to believe.  I do believe in the saying that God (whatever God is) speaks thru people.  You know, the kindness people express.

 

Not doing well these days.

 

I don't understand the suffering in the world, and there is alot of it.

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Zoe

Petu- I also thought that was very insightful. I have found that my healing comes when I surrender everything and say Thy will be done and try not to dictate how & when I should be healed. This is a great struggle because I want to be healed now. I think we all do - we just want the pain & struggle to go away. But as I look back I do see amazing blessings that have come out of this- people that I would have never come in contact with-lessons that I would never have learned-compassion and support that I would never have known how to give. One thing that I do pray is for it all to work together for my good & the good of those that I love. I do believe that God is doing that. Maybe not in the way I would have liked for it to be done, but I have to believe that it is the right way. I just try to tell Him that I trust Him. As a wise older woman told me- I don't understand, but I believe. 

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