Lilu: Depression worsened by meds

[Lilu]

Hi Lilu,

 

I'm visiting your thread to see how you have been doing, sounds like things are at a kinda low point. I've hit a low again too and it surely is distressing. But there was a window in there so I know I can climb back up again, with effort.

 

Wishing you well, sweetie!

 

Thanks for visiting!  Yeah, I wish I knew if how I am is because of the drugs or because of my circumstances.  I guess there's really no way to know at this point. 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Lilu, the only thing I think I know for sure is that there is no way to really find out the reasons for why we go through what we do. I am reading member's intro topics and there is just no real rhyme or reason to the windows and waves. There is this mysterious 'healing' of our neurochemistry that goes on and it does not seem to always correspond in a dramatic fashion to our efforts. But it does, just enough, respond in a way to what we do to help it and we arrive at a new place. Life and our living of it is so complex, it is so hard to pin down why things happen the way they do and when. My current wave may have started because I overdid it one day, just pushed myself really hard and I was pushing in another area too, straightening up my messy house. And I read about overdoing it in other members posts and it just didn't sink in till it happened to me. I look at it in hindsight and say that's probably what happened and try to avoid it in the future. But avoiding it in the future may not always be possible, it may happen again. Gee, I wish I knew what to do and when and how much but in all my searching for those answers, I just can't find them. Just general road maps. Nothing completely specific for ME. And what works for one doesn't work for all in every situation. But that does not mean we don't try and things do manage to change for the better. I know I am so much better off than I was a few months ago. So we hang in there, right?

 

I'm cheering you on and we all are each other's cheerleaders. How amazing that there is a place like this, we cheer and support each other without reservation!

[Lilu]

Hi Lilu,

 

I'm visiting your thread to see how you have been doing, sounds like things are at a kinda low point. I've hit a low again too and it surely is distressing. But there was a window in there so I know I can climb back up again, with effort.

 

Wishing you well, sweetie!

 

Do you think the waves and windows that you experience are part of withdrawal syndrome?  I think that is the inherent nature of Depression. It's cyclical. Up and down all the time.  That's how I've always been.  Way before I ever tried any drugs.  Very moody on a day to day basis with periods of feeling down depending on what was getting me down.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Lilu, I would so desperately like to know what 'causes' me to feel as I do. I am writing this now with tears in my eyes, starting to really sob, and I'm not really sure why except I'm happy you responded. I've been feeling so low for not any good reason, especially when I read of what others are struggling with, family situations, finances and such, and I feel so ashamed.

 

I have often told people that I have felt 'depressed' since as long as I can remember. All that tired, old dysfunctional family stuff, I somehow felt it was my job to keep my parents from yelling at each other and trying to be 'good'. I only felt good when someone praised me for something and I was very attention-seeking.

 

I vaguely remember a depression episode in my early 20's, then again in my 30's after being sober for about 6 years and feeling miserable. Medication and group therapy helped. Then again this last time, and on meds for 8 years. I have done so much reading about depression that I am sick of it. I think that yes, the windows and waves are a big part of it and that unless I want to go on medication again, I will have to learn how to ride it out. The literature says that depression is time-limited, that it lifts in due time. Wanting desperately to do the 'right' thing to make it go away faster, I can feel myself getting frantic and afraid and more ashamed that with all of my 'smarts', I cannot banish it away forever.

 

So I wish I had an answer for you, I would so much like to 'help' you because I am sure you hate the pain as much as I do. And if I helped, I'd feel good about myself again, right?

 

None of this stuff is as easy as painting the walls. I'd love a quick fix. The one thing I am pretty sure of is that if I wait till I am 'better', my life will never start. I had always wanted to be a healer but healing comes from within. I read that somewhere.

[Wingbatty]

Lilu, I haven't read all four pages. Have you ever looked into CBT to help defeat bad thoughts? I am seeing a huge connection between my thoughts & my feelings - even thoughts that stay submerged, where I don't even realize how self-defeating I'm being.

 

I also see a HUGE connection between my feelings and whether I'm exercising daily & how I'm eating. For me it seems that regardless of what diet I follow, what is important is 1) lots of vegetables 2) no sugar 3) as few processed carbs as possible. When I'm depressed I want sugar so badly, and I have no idea why, but I get SO depressed when I've been eating sugar or lots of processed carbs.

 

Anyway, just ideas -

[areyouthere]

I'm posting this in humor Lilu....   I'm cooped up in the house ( HOT) and have just decided ... I'm was just born a BYATCH !!! Just ask my husband.

 

RU

[Lilu]

Lilu, I haven't read all four pages. Have you ever looked into CBT to help defeat bad thoughts? I am seeing a huge connection between my thoughts & my feelings - even thoughts that stay submerged, where I don't even realize how self-defeating I'm being.

 

I also see a HUGE connection between my feelings and whether I'm exercising daily & how I'm eating. For me it seems that regardless of what diet I follow, what is important is 1) lots of vegetables 2) no sugar 3) as few processed carbs as possible. When I'm depressed I want sugar so badly, and I have no idea why, but I get SO depressed when I've been eating sugar or lots of processed carbs.

 

Anyway, just ideas -

 

Yes, I am currently seeing a therapist that practices dialectical cbt therapy. But I haven't learned much yet, as I only get to see her once a month, unfortunately.  I guess I have to look into this on my own.

About sugar...one thing I definitely noticed in the past with Effexor & Pristiq, is that whenever I would restart or up my dose, my sugar cravings would disappear.  Sugar produces Serotonin.  It is quite simple.  And boy do I crave sugar.  I can eat a pint of ice cream in one sitting easy!  I have never been off sugar, so don't really know if I would feel better.  I gotta have sugar in my coffee in the morning.  I used to use Splenda, but I don't want to use artificial sweeteners anymore. (Found out that Splenda is one molecule away from being chlorine! Maybe that's why all my pillows and night shirts were getting bleached from my sweat! so weird...)

[Narcissus]

I can empathize with the sugar cravings.  Whenever a bad spell starts I have desperate cravings for sugary food.  I've always had a bit of a sweet tooth, but nothing like this.  And yeah, I wouldn't mess with those artificial sweeteners.  The sheer breadth of withdrawal, the endless amount physiological changes wrought by it, never ceases to amaze me.  I can't imagine that there are too many non-life-threatening illnesses that are this pervasive.

[Lilu]

I have started my liquid Lexapro taper today.  The decision was finally obvious.  There are way too many side effects for me to function well. 

Constant sleepiness and deep fatigue that is not relieved by sleeping 8 or more hours per night.  

Blurred vision! - this is something I never experienced on any other antidepressant before.

Acne breakouts - these started almost immediately since starting Lexapro.  

 

It's bad enough that I've always had an inferiority complex about my looks, but now I have to endure a 50 lb weight gain and acne too? God these things make me so mad!  Makes me wanna sue the pants off these effing pharmaceutical companies!

 

So I got my 5 ml and 1 ml oral syringe, and did the taper calculations...and holy batman! Going from 5 mg down to 0 at a 10% rate will take over a year!  That is insane. I am not going to go that slow, and keep enduring these crazy side effects.  But I will let my body be the guide.  I'm going to fluctuate somewhere between a 10% and 15% and do a drop every 10 days, I think. 

[areyouthere]

Lilu!!! I'm so glad that you are going to taper, have got the liquid and are ready to roll!!! That is one HUGE step and difficult ( and SMART!!) decision I'm sure.

 

Lilu,  I too was and will always be hoping for a speedy taper. I have had good ...and bad... success with this. Letting your body be your guide is also wayyyyy smart!!! I want to commend you on your strength and determination and simply remind you that, just as you had to reinstate ( and I know you didn't want to) you MAY have to, at times, reevaluate your desire to "get off quick".  

 

I myself am looking at at LEAST one more year of tapering ( I starting in September) and can hardly stand the thought. It sucks so bad I could spit nails. But I have to be able to function on a daily basis and I'm going about as fast as I can and be able to do that. Soooo anyway.

 

I'm glad that you have the "stuff"!!! Go get 'em!

 

RU

[Lilu]

Lilu!!! I'm so glad that you are going to taper, have got the liquid and are ready to roll!!! That is one HUGE step and difficult ( and SMART!!) decision I'm sure.....

Thanks so much for the support!  I feel good about my decision. Lord knows I have agonized about it for months now. But I'm glad I finally made the decision and to me it was a logical one. I'll keep you all posted on how it goes.

[Lilu]

Lilu, I feel more alert on being half of what I was, but there are disadvantages that make just as little effective as I was before ..

 

What is the blurred vision you have? I've noticed with my w/d I'm really dozy, and when I have a dose with my head on my desk, I cannot focus for 5 mins after. Is that what you have?

 

 

I moved this discussion to my Intro post, since it was getting off topic. The blurred vision to me feels like I just cannot find a sharp focus when I try to read online or on a page.  Kind of like wearing glasses whose prescription is slightly off.  Dizziness is different. I experienced really bad dizziness when I quit Lexapro before.  That was more like feeling light-headed and came in waves.  The blurred vision for me is definitely worse in the first part of the day, especially after waking.

[MaryKA]

 

What is the blurred vision you have? I've noticed with my w/d I'm really dozy, and when I have a doze with my head on my desk, I cannot focus for 5 mins after. Is that what you have?

 

 

... The blurred vision for me is definitely worse in the first part of the day, especially after waking.

 

 

Mmm, after waking is when it happens, not first thing in the morning but any other time of day after a doze. Sound like the same adverse effect.

[Lilu]

 

Mmm, after waking is when it happens, not first thing in the morning but any other time of day after a doze. Sound like the same adverse effect.

 

when you say doze, do you mean a dose of medication or a nap? and what's dozy? is that dizzy?

[Rhiannon]

I have started my liquid Lexapro taper today.  The decision was finally obvious.  There are way too many side effects for me to function well. 

Constant sleepiness and deep fatigue that is not relieved by sleeping 8 or more hours per night.  

Blurred vision! - this is something I never experienced on any other antidepressant before.

Acne breakouts - these started almost immediately since starting Lexapro.  

 

It's bad enough that I've always had an inferiority complex about my looks, but now I have to endure a 50 lb weight gain and acne too? God these things make me so mad!  Makes me wanna sue the pants off these effing pharmaceutical companies!

 

So I got my 5 ml and 1 ml oral syringe, and did the taper calculations...and holy batman! Going from 5 mg down to 0 at a 10% rate will take over a year!  That is insane. I am not going to go that slow, and keep enduring these crazy side effects.  But I will let my body be the guide.  I'm going to fluctuate somewhere between a 10% and 15% and do a drop every 10 days, I think. 

 

Of course it's absolutely up to you. But I have to say that after spending three years, 20+ hours a week on withdrawal forums, seeing hundreds of people go through this journey, what I have seen is that when people get impatient and say "no way will I spend that much time tapering" they almost always get themselves in trouble.

 

And end up sabotaging their taper and actually end up taking even LONGER by the time they: get stable, reinstate (usually) or end up on more meds (often), have to restart their taper eventually and go even slower because they became so sensitized by going too fast and crashing...or go too fast, get off the drug, and then suffer from withdrawal symptoms, and take longer to feel well than they would have taken to taper carefully in the first place. People can add years to the process by trying to go fast.

 

So when I see those words "I am not going to go that slow" I always feel the need to speak up.

 

The thing is, if you go slowly and cautiously, not only will you spare yourself a lot of suffering, you WILL get your dosages down, and you will probably find that the side effects of the drug will lessen considerably at lower doses.  If you go too fast the withdrawal effects will outweigh any improvement in side effects.

 

So, just something to think about as you go along. It's better to start slow and then speed up if you find you can, than to rush out of the starting gate, galloping along until you crash into the wall.

 

Don't mean to be Debbie Downer. I've just seen this pattern over and over and over, and I like you and don't want you to end up going down that same path.

[Lilu]

Of course it's absolutely up to you. But I have to say that after spending three years, 20+ hours a week on withdrawal forums, seeing hundreds of people go through this journey, what I have seen is that when people get impatient and say "no way will I spend that much time tapering" they almost always get themselves in trouble...............

 

I hear you. And I will be cautious. If I see that I'm having withdrawal symptoms from any one drop, I will lower the percentage of that particular drop. With Lexapro, due to its 30 hour half life it takes about 3 days to go into withdrawal. So being only on day 2 of my first 10% taper, I'm waiting to see if the 10% drop is too much for me.

From my experience, I seem to handle drops in medications, even large drops, pretty okay, it's the getting off the drug completely where the going gets tough. So I will probably have to go extra slow towards the end.  

 

But yes, I am impatient with this whole thing. Unfortunately, we humans learn best from only our own experience. It took going cold turkey and "going crazy" on withdrawal, for me to even consider dealing with the whole syringe business and the prospect of a long long taper. Sigh...... On day 2 of fumbling with syringes, I wound up with a liquid sticky mess all over the counter.  I suspect that soon enough, it'll be pretty automatic. But dam that liquid tastes nasty! I'm going to add some strawberry syrup (just a few drops) so that I can see the clear liquid in the dam syringe. You'd think they would have already done that for me! Thankfully, I called the Pharmacist, and she said that she can add some food coloring to the solution so that I can see it better.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Lilu,

 

You are a real trooper!

[MaryKA]

when you say doze, do you mean a dose of medication or a nap? and what's dozy? is that dizzy?

 

 

Oops, sorry, I mean after a nap, specifically when I put my head down on my desk, even for just 5 mins, and then I open my eyes and put my glasses back on. I don't notice it after napping in bed, probably because I lie for a bit without glasses.

[Lilu]

This liquid taper thing is really depressing me.  From 5 mg of Lexapro tablets I went to 4.5 ml and within 2 days developed side effects. So I went up to 4.8, but the side effects have continued.  Insomnia every night, incontinence, sneezing and congestion, muscle aches. It's almost like full blown withdrawal!

Almost makes me think that the liquid is not as potent as the tablets. Just hard to believe that a .2 drop would produce such symptoms.

I've decided to hold 4.8 for another week to stabilize.  Ughhh....

This is so upsetting, I'm so anxious to get the f**k off this med, but I feel like it's holding me hostage!

[areyouthere]

From what I understand Lexapro is a particularly potent AD so very small changes is your dose , especially when you have not been stable or have made quite a few changes in the recent past ( I'd say up to six months is "recent" ) , can result in symptoms.

 

I have experienced this first hand Lilu. Both with Lexapro and the xanax I'm on which is also on the more powerful side of benzos.

 

I'd like to leave you with some encouraging news though.... because of a wedding I have coming up I have not made any changes ( well I haven't made any changes in the Lex since February) to the xanax and . like you, I was very frustrated in May because I felt symptoms with even a 2% drop!

 

I'll admit that I have snuck in tiny, tiny reductions in the last few weeks and am happy to say that I have felt NO symptoms. SO! I am very excited to make a bigger drop in the benzo after the wedding and am hopeful that even if I experience symptoms, I will be able to stabilize and continue to my goal which is not too far away.... we shall see.

 

Hang in there!

 

RU

[Lilu]

From what I understand Lexapro is a particularly potent AD so very small changes is your dose , especially when you have not been stable or have made quite a few changes in the recent past ( I'd say up to six months is "recent" ) , can result in symptoms.

I jumped right into the switch from tablets to liquid, reduced the dose by 10%, and switched to taking Lexapro at night.  I guess it was all too much for my brain to handle.  I'm hoping that the next 10% drop will go smoother.  But I'm afraid that I won't be able to do 10% drops at all. It seems Lexapro instantly causes Insomnia when one starts to reduce it. 

 

Urrrrrggggghhhhhhh!!!! I'm so mad, I feel like I could single handedly start a revolution....as long as I get enough sleep...

[Lilu]

I'm at a crossroads, I've been tapering on liquid Lexapro for over 5 months, and have been holding at 1mg for over a month due to side effects and lots of stress.  In fact there is so much stress in my life, that I've been crying almost all day long for the last 7 days.  Yes there was a trigger, but it seems that every stressfull trigger plunges me into a deep depression and crying spells.  I'm seriously thinking of taking my doctor's advice and trying Cymbalta.  I just don't know what to do.  I can't seem to cope with any kind of stress at all.  And I need to be well enough to get my life together in every way.  I need to go back to school, I need to look for work, I need to make new friends.  I'm so isolated and broke.  How can I do all that while being worried about becoming homeless, going through bankrupcy, and transitioning into a new job/carreer - while going through withdrawal?!!!

 

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

[areyouthere]

I hope Alto pipes up here but I would suggest NOT switching to another AD but reinstating a bit of the Lexapro.

 

Switching to another AD at this point would just destabilize things further. 

 

Please be prepared to hear this advice as I think it is what you will hear and I think it wise. 

 

I personally can't tell you how much to reinstate but please wait for someone to come along.

 

I am so very sorry that you are having to go through this but you should feel very, very good about being able to taper in the first place!!

 

At least now you know that you can do it!! YAY!! We all have set backs … you can do this!!! Hang in there!!

 

RU :)

[Rhiannon]

You said yourself previously that it's getting off at the end that's hard for you. Looks like you've hit that point. I agree, a small updose would probably good, followed by a very long hold.

 

If you take it slow, you will be able to handle everything you need to in your life.

 

Patience pays off, I promise.

[rapunzel2]

this is only my experience, but it has shown me that there are two kinds of WD effects. one is immediate. and the other one comes later, when your nervous system cannot cope with changes done 3-6 months earlier. 

 

I tend to agree that reinstating the same drug is much better than putting on another one. 

[Lilu]

There are thousands of people who are helped by psychiatric drugs every day.  When life keeps bombarding you with one stressor after another, and multiple ones at the same time, perhaps that is not the best time to be going through the withdrawal process.

 

People on street drugs and alcohol go into rehab facilities, where they can safely go through withdrawal without the stressors of the outside world.  Inside the safety of the rehab facility and with support of peers and counselors.

 

But what of us, those who are trying to get off psychiatric drugs, while in the midst of stressful events, surrounded by people who don't understand, or who make things worse.

 

I can't cope any more.  I don't have the emotional reserves to ride out the crashing waves of withdrawal, while facing serious life challenges and upheaval.  It is too much.

 

And who's to say that after I'm done tapering, that things won't get much much worse. They probably will, from all the accounts that I have read on here.

 

I am desperately trying to keep my life from falling completely apart.  I need to go back to school for a new career after over 5 years of unemployment.  I need to try avoid bankrupcy and somehow repay my credit card debt.  I want to avoid having to give up my apartment and all my possessions. I need to be well enough psychologically to put my life back together.

 

How can one do that while going through withdrawal, and feeling depressed or crying all the time? 

 

Perhaps being on medication IS the answer for some of us.  And/or the timing of going through antidepressant or antipsychotic withdrawal has to be just right.  How can I let myself be emotionally unstable, when every aspect of my life is uncertain and unstable?    I can't.

[Lilu]

this is only my experience, but it has shown me that there are two kinds of WD effects. one is immediate. and the other one comes later, when your nervous system cannot cope with changes done 3-6 months earlier. 

 

I tend to agree that reinstating the same drug is much better than putting on another one. 

 

Thank you all so much for responding. I didn't know there were any replies, so I posted in the Tapering topic: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/5544-deciding-to-stop-tapering-and-go-back-on-medication/

 

I will take your advice though, and go back to the smallest tablet dose of Lexapro to see if my symptoms improve.  I guess I can always try Cymbalta at a later time.  But the fact of the matter is that, unlike a lot of members on this site, who wound up on these dreadful drugs for non-psychiatric ailments, I have been suffering from depression since I was a 15 or 16 years old.  My depression was NOT caused by these drugs.  And even if I succeed in restoring my brain back to it's pre-clinical depression state, it will still be a brain that is prone to depression.   So why should I even bother trying to get off the meds, unless they are causing additional side effects.  Oh, yes that's why!  I answered my own question.  Still, it may be the only option, living with certain side effects, as opposed to being a complete basket case and unable to function at all.

[mammaP]

I am so sorry that things have become so stressful for you Lilu. I know from 

experience that stress can worsen withdrawal. I was fine until hit by a stressful situation.

What was stressful became magnified and a HUGE trauma. I'm sure you have read the

topic on Neuro emotions in symptoms and self care. That is exactly how it was for me.

I was ready to have myself admitted to hospital I felt so bad. I updosed slightly and it

passed. The situation was still there but I was able to cope with and deal with it. 

 

I wouldn't start another AD if I were you, you've come a long way!  I would updose slightly

but maybe just by 1ml or so. Too much can make things even worse. 

I really hope things improve for you very soon. 

[Altostrata]

Why not just increase your liquid Lexapro slightly?

[Altostrata]

Merged from the Tapering forum:

There are thousands of people who are helped by psychiatric drugs every day.  When life keeps bombarding you with one stressor after another, and multiple ones at the same time, perhaps that is not the best time to be going through the withdrawal process.

 

People on street drugs and alcohol go into rehab facilities, where they can safely go through withdrawal without the stressors of the outside world.  Inside the safety of the rehab facility and with support of peers and counselors.

 

But what of us, those who are trying to get off psychiatric drugs, while in the midst of stressful events, surrounded by people who don't understand, or who make things worse.

 

I can't cope any more.  I don't have the emotional reserves to ride out the crashing waves of withdrawal, while facing serious life challenges and upheaval.  It is too much.

 

And who's to say that after I'm done tapering, that things won't get much much worse. They probably will, from all the accounts that I have read on here.

 

I am desperately trying to keep my life from falling completely apart.  I need to go back to school for a new career after over 5 years of unemployment.  I need to try avoid bankrupcy and somehow repay my credit card debt.  I want to avoid having to give up my apartment and all my possessions. I need to be well enough psychologically to put my life back together.

 

How can one do that while going through withdrawal, and feeling depressed or crying all the time? 

 

Perhaps being on medication IS the answer for some of us.  And/or the timing of going through antidepressant or antipsychotic withdrawal has to be just right.  How can I let myself be emotionally unstable, when every aspect of my life is uncertain and unstable?    I can't.

[rapunzel2]

 

this is only my experience, but it has shown me that there are two kinds of WD effects. one is immediate. and the other one comes later, when your nervous system cannot cope with changes done 3-6 months earlier. 

 

I tend to agree that reinstating the same drug is much better than putting on another one. 

 

Thank you all so much for responding. I didn't know there were any replies, so I posted in the Tapering topic: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/5544-deciding-to-stop-tapering-and-go-back-on-medication/

 

I will take your advice though, and go back to the smallest tablet dose of Lexapro to see if my symptoms improve.  I guess I can always try Cymbalta at a later time.  But the fact of the matter is that, unlike a lot of members on this site, who wound up on these dreadful drugs for non-psychiatric ailments, I have been suffering from depression since I was a 15 or 16 years old.  My depression was NOT caused by these drugs.  And even if I succeed in restoring my brain back to it's pre-clinical depression state, it will still be a brain that is prone to depression.   So why should I even bother trying to get off the meds, unless they are causing additional side effects.  Oh, yes that's why!  I answered my own question.  Still, it may be the only option, living with certain side effects, as opposed to being a complete basket case and unable to function at all.

 

 

I understand. I'm the same. you can read intro, if you want (but it's long) http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4865-rapunzel2-a-mess-with-drugs/. I have been very, very ill. that's why, right now, besides withdrawing antidepressants, I'm on gluten free casein free diet and I'm taking strong vitamin-mineral complex Daily Essential Nutrients (http://www.hardynutritionals.com/). it may not be for everybody, because when in withdrawal, people may react badly to different supplements, but fortunately I can tolerate them and it seems to help. But I can't say for sure yet, because I'm still on drugs, and I seem to react badly to the AD now.

 

I just wanted to create some hope for you. that withdrawing AD is not the only thing you can do to get well. google "gluten free casein free diet" or "opioid peptides", to get more info on diet. 

[areyouthere]

 I have been suffering from depression since I was a 15 or 16 years old.  My depression was NOT caused by these drugs.  And even if I succeed in restoring my brain back to it's pre-clinical depression state, it will still be a brain that is prone to depression.   So why should I even bother trying to get off the meds, unless they are causing additional side effects.  Oh, yes that's why!  I answered my own question.  Still, it may be the only option, living with certain side effects, as opposed to being a complete basket case and unable to function at all.

 

 Oh Lilu… you have raised some very, very valid points/ questions here. I too am prone to depression. It runs in my family. It began as a teen and then each episode got deeper and deeper, longer and longer until after a trigger with a job situation I sought help and was put on Zoloft. And it helped. A lot. I cannot deny that. As a matter of fact I think that it saved my job and I am drawing a nice pension check now because of it.

 

BUT I likely shouldn't have been on it that long although I'll just plain never know. I wish now that I had equally sought out help to deal with my depression in a different way and yes, without drugs. But I didn't.

 

So here I am at 56 yrs. trying to get down to just 10 mg. of Lexapro thinking I will stay there forever but also open to the possibility that I will experience side effects from being on the 10 mg. 

 

I will just have to cross that bridge when I come to it.

 

But this is not about me but you. Have you EVER felt good on an AD? Hopefully the answer is "yes" and hopefully it was Lexapro and hopefully you have an idea of what dosage it was.

 

For example, if you were doing ok at 5 mg., perhaps that is the dose for you for awhile. I haven't read all of your thread and so don't know your exact history with the drugs, but I am quite familiar with your, as you describe it , brain prone to depression. I'm with 'ya. 

 

I know that you were having side effects at 5 mg. Perhaps for now you have to decide on the "worst of two evils". For sure you need to up dose a bit to get rid of the WD symptoms. I'm glad that you see that.

 

I feel like I'm babbling. It's just that I can very clearly see your delimma & understand.

 

So as you so rightly ponder the following question Lilu, "why should I try to aper to zero when I know I have a brain prone to depression anyway" I wonder myself what the answer is. One I am very interested in hearing others point of view on. 

 

RU

[Meimeiquest]

Lilu, just wanted to say thanks for all the interesting info you brought to the table. The million dollar question is Why were you depressed? But you very well may not have the resources to pursue that question right now. SA will still be here if you want to pursue other options at a later date. Just remember that your brain has probably made some adaptations, so it might be best to move your dose in baby steps. So wish you the best!

[Lilu]

this is only my experience, but it has shown me that there are two kinds of WD effects. one is immediate. and the other one comes later, when your nervous system cannot cope with changes done 3-6 months earlier. 

 

I tend to agree that reinstating the same drug is much better than putting on another one. 

 

I don't think that what I'm experiencing is a postponed withdrawal symptom.  The antidepressant action is pretty clear cut with me. If I take them, at a high enough dose, as in 5 mg of Lexapro vs. 2.5 mg, I stop having crying spells.  When I lower the dose past the minimum recommended dose of any AD, the crying spells start up again.  But not crying spells for no reason, as in "I don't know why I'm crying." But as a response to stressful events and triggers.  And also as a response to dark thoughts that I start having.

 

The last month and or so, I had one stressor after another after another after another...and that was on the heels of being in severe pain for a month, going through two surgeries, multiple emergency room visits and traumatic hospital stays. 

 

Somehow I made it through all of it, even while withdrawing from Lexapro.   With my ability to cope reduced to begin with, and the stressors piling up, I just broke down. It was the last straw that broke the camel's back.

 

I'm going to go back to Lexapro tablets for now and not do the liquid taper until after I rebuild  my life.  I'm going to go back up to 2.5 mg by cutting a 5 mg tablet.  Unfortunately the 5 mg tabs are not scored.   I'll try this for a few weeks and see if I get any better at coping with stressful events and triggers.

 

One thing for sure, this has been wakeup call for me, to start being as protective of my peace of mind, as a mother goose is of her chicks.  I know that I must avoid conflicts, arguments, and getting agitated at all cost.  Unfortunately this is very hard since my parents, who I've been very close to, cannot discuss anything calmly.  The worst part, is that my dad doesn't think that he's attacking me verbally, when he constantly does.  But he just doesn't see it.

 

Either way, my instinct for self-preservation has really kicked in, and it's telling me to stay away from him and anyone else to regularly upsets me.  It doesn't matter that he loves me. It doesn't matter that he's done a lot for me.  If he continually undermines my recovery, and disturbs my peace of mind, then I need to limit my exposure to him. 

[Lilu]

Lilu, just wanted to say thanks for all the interesting info you brought to the table. The million dollar question is Why were you depressed? But you very well may not have the resources to pursue that question right now. SA will still be here if you want to pursue other options at a later date. Just remember that your brain has probably made some adaptations, so it might be best to move your dose in baby steps. So wish you the best!

 

Why was I depressed as a teenager?  I think it is probably a combination of having an emotionally abusive father and being predisposed to depression genetically.  I just found this post:

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1086-not-a-joke-psychiatry-discovers-persistent-depression-related-to-unhappy-childhood/

Isn't that wonderful? 

[Lilu]

First of all, I want to sort of celebrate that you can even write a post like this, squirrel, and thank Sur again for this board.

 

I have heard of people having long-lasting setbacks even very far out. It's extremely upsetting. In some cases, it seems like the setback is triggered by stressful life events. My theory is that, even after we have healed a lot, we are still very fragile for a time after that. If life happens to be fairly smooth, we can function pretty well, but if life hands us a big stressor or two, we become really autonomically dysregulated. We're still more sensitive to conditions than we will be when we have healed further.

 

Eventually.....eventually.....we heal even more, become more robust, and stressful life events can no longer knock our nervous systems off balance so easily.

 

 

I agree with Healing. It's important to treat yourself gently in the midst of withdrawal syndrome. You may not be able to handle difficult situations that you've always handled before. Focus on stress reduction, it's very important. Learning how to protect your nervous system from abrasive people is a good skill to learn and will serve you well in the long run. Being pushed to take care of ourselves is, I guess you could say, one of the benefits of this awful condition.

 

Very helpful words from http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/82-the-windows-and-waves-pattern-of-recovery/

Just what I needed to hear.