☼ Hello. mammaP checking in!

[mammaP]

Went for a walk along the road yesterday and visited the manor house. Took some photos, stopped at the coffee shop but 

no staff in sight and left after 5 minutes! Walked back home again . Very ordinary  few days that felt like being on holiday.

I actually feel like I'm only just starting to see the area after living around here for 20 years. I never really noticed it before. 

The downside is that I was in so much pain last night and it didn't ebb away until 8am so no sleep again. 

Still no sign of withdrawal symptoms, hopefully will be ok for another week then I can consider my next drop. 

[mammaP]

I have been feeling ok-ish for a couple of weeks now, still all my physical stuff going on but no withdrawal 

that I was aware of. Yesterday  someone said something to me that made me angry......a flash of white hot anger

that made me flush and shake. It was over in a minute but then I felt really ill with withdrawal symptoms.

Within an hour I had brain zaps and have had milder zaps today along with fast rapid mood swings. 

 

I was considering my next drop in a week or so but now I'm not so sure. I don't get angry like that and it was so quick

it took me by surprise. Is all that withdrawal? Or just feeling anger again? 

 

I've been looking back at some notes and I've only come down by 2 beads since December. It's been a rocky road. 

[mammaP]

Feel quite ill today, more like my old self pre-meds though. The  'Depression'  part of bi-polar. I think it is 

diet related. I haven't eaten bread for ages but bought a lovely little granary loaf yesterday and a pack of

chocolate biscuits. Purely experimental of course . I'm going to freeze the rest and try another time to see

 what happens then. It's different to my 'normal' exhaustion but couldn't explain why. 

[MaryKA]

Yo mammaP!  I've been out of this life for the last 3 weeks or so, probably more with holidays. But I'll not linger on it here, I've posted to my own thread.

 

How can I possibly catch up with everything you've said? Not at all .... But your experience of sudden anger ... that could be vali anger is allowed, in moderation. I've got another friend who's cut down on her meds and she feels more alert.

 

And having starch makes me sleepy. I've noticed this since my late 20s. Like you said, its a diet thing -- the insulin gets going round your body, and the adrenalin stops, hence cosy safe sleepy feelings. For me, even soup sends me to sleep in the middle of the day And I find it really difficult to wake from, for example what would be a 10 minute cat nap becomes an hour's nap that takes 15 minutes more to get going again. Needless to say, I keep off the starch as much as possible, but obviously I know its effects cos I do still have it from time to time

 

I'll message you.

[mammaP]

I never thought of that Katie, the insulin thing and it makes a lot of sense for me. I've been blaming the heat or

the yeast but could be the starch as you say. I'll have to try eliminating it again. I went on Atkins once and after

the first week when I felt rough I started to improve and then felt much better on it, It became a bit difficult to

keep up with a young family and I slid back again. I also get reactions to some additives too. I try and avoid

processed stuff but when I get this tired it's easy to pop into the shop and get some junk. It's stupid but I keep

sliding back into it and it becomes a vicious circle. 

 

It's very frustrating, I feel so much more alert, my memory is improving and my head is much clearer but I still

feel physically rubbish. I need to seriously tackle my diet.  How to eat healthy without cooking much? I need fast

easy food but NOT junk. *sighs* . 

 

The anger was def. valid but took me by surprise, it washed over my body in a heartbeat. I literally took a deep

breath and it subsided as I exhaled but then felt quite ill and weepy. Obviously some hormone involved.

Definitely need to study these things because it's always better when you understand what is happening in your body. 

[MaryKA]

Hi mammaP

 

I've really cut down on sugar and starch so that most days I don't have any. Protein breaks down to glucose, so the brain isn't starved. And once the fat metabolism kicks in, one can mostly often chug along quite happily.

 

With me and husband splitting up, I've started cooking for myself with a microwave/grill/combo oven. I tend to cook a batch of sausages to give me a snack. Or have a piece of cheese...

 

It is difficult though.I went to our local hotel yesterday thinking I'd eat out but I hadn't booked a table and they couldn't serve me. The breaded fish from the shop wasn't inspiring. :/

[mammaP]

I've cut down on starch the last few days and feel better for it, thanks for the tip Katie.  

Yesterday was very full on with the phone and doorbell ringing non stop! I had to make

some calls and I absolutely hate the phone. They were calls where I had to assert myself too and I'm

not good with that either. I cancelled a subscription 3 months ago, checked my account yesterday and

payments are still being taken. I had to phone to cancel again and endured the hard sell to make me change

my mind. I HATE that. Called to view a property to be told it's no longer on the market...why don't they take it OFF

the website? I'd been looking at that house for weeks and finally decided that was the one to go for.

Arranged to view another one and the agent was so rude and unprofessional that I decided I didn't want to deal

with that company. She even called me back later to see if I would like to proceed! 

More calls from family and several from sales lines, plus delivery men leaving parcels for neighbours

meant I was speaking to people all day. I sometimes go for days without speaking to another soul

so it was really tiring and stressful.

 

BUT, I got through it, kept calm and polite all day and didn't lock my self in the cupboard, lol. 

Today I'm exhausted and would love to hide under the duvet but have to go out for an appointment with

my psychologist. She will be interested to hear how I dealt with using the phone and interacting with people.

Have to say that I am quite proud of myself for dealing with everything and not allowing myself to be 'bullied' 

[mammaP]

I am so upset, my grandson is staying with me for the weekend, last night he was delightful. He's 14 and having

a hard time since his parents split and has been on a wrong course of self destruction. He's about to be thrown

out of school, for his behaviour, his parents are at a loss, he's getting beyond control. But he is basically a good kid.

Doesn't smoke, drink or take any drugs, will help people out if he sees them needing it, and hands in lost phones to

the police, even top make expensive one a few weeks ago. 

 

But has no respect for authority. Does what he wants, when and how he wants, Channelled in the right way that can be

an asset but he's pushing everyone's buttons and not doing himself any favours. Recently he's been stealing from family.

I stopped having money around and only used my card for shopping so as not to put temptation in his way but last night

had to get cash for my cleaning lady this morning.  I put it in my bedroom and when I went to bed he'd been rummaging

through my bags and taken it.   Denied it this morning, vehemently, as usual.  I raised my voice and told him how worried

we all are for him, how much we love him but he's turning into someone who is going to get himself into deep trouble.

He was holding back tars when he left for his rugby match.  I never shout at him . Now I feel upset, frustrated and 

anxious. I don't usually tell mum because she can't cope but not sure if I should tell her this time, it was quite a lot. 

Hope this doesn't send me into withdrawal  

[Petunia]

Hi MammaP,

 

You sound very worried about your grandson, and I'm not surprised.  14 is such a difficult age anyway, so many changes going on and for him to also have to deal with his parents splitting up, its no wonder he's acting out.  He's probably feeling scared, like his secure world is falling apart, but doesn't know how to reach out for help.

 

I might be wrong, but that was my first thought.

 

Was he ok up until his parents split up?

 

Maybe he needs a safe outlet where he can talk openly about his feelings about what's going on.

 

..... and you don't need the added stress either.

 

I hope you get help for your grandson soon, but make sure you take care of yourself first.

 

Petu.

[mammaP]

Thanks Petu, it is definitely the break up that made him this way. For a while mum and dad were getting on even though they split and grandson took it that they were getting back together because they didn't fight any more.  .

Now they've both moved on and have other partners. I've always been his safe place and have let him be, he stays most weekends

and I let a lot of his behaviour go, he can do without me on his back along with everyone else, who are giving him grief about it and who can blame them? Everyone is worried about him.

But I had to tackle him about the stealing, it isn't the first time  he stole from me but hopefully will be the last. 

What worrie me most of all is that school phsychology have said to teke him to the gp, and mum wants to because she thinks he's inherited my 'bi-polar' . If she does that he will be medicated and there isn't a thing I can do about it. Dad doesn't believe that either 

but mum wants a quick 'fix' and a label that says he's sick and can't help it. She's at the end of her tether.     

[MaryKA]

mammaP, is this your son's child? I ask because you say his mum would say he's inherited bipolar but his dad says not, and you have said your son understands some stuff ... Either way, labels are not good. Especially not for a 14 year old. What a difficult time for all of you... My daughter had kleptomaniac tendencies at 10, i.e. taking her brothers' stuff,.., what I found under her bed was amazing. Maybe she still does it at 18 in other ways (she owes me money), but everyone to their own (ways of coping, that is.... :/) But yes, ouchy ouch, mammaP, I feel your pain and confusion and desperation, keep on being honest with your grandson

[Meimeiquest]

I agree with how difficult and heartbreaking this is.

 

Just brainstorming....do you think he would talk if you explained that sometimes we do helpful things when we feel sad and mad, and sometimes we do things that don't help and ultimately just make us feel worse. And brainstorm things that might help. When my daughter was acting out, a therapist had us hold her close and say You can be as mad, you can be as scared, you can be as sad as you need to be and I will keep you safe. And all hell would break loose. But she was three then...not a chance now that she is 15.

[mammaP]

I am just hoping that he doesn't cut me off. I've tried not to react to things he does but at the same time

there are some things that he has to know are not acceptable. A few weeks ago he left hard core porn on 

my tablet computer and I told him that I don't want to see that stuff on my screen. He blamed his brother

but the brother hadn't been here. He knew I knew it was him and that's what happens between us. He denies

things but knows I know it's him. It's his usual knee jerk reaction, "wasni me" . I don't push it because I understand

what he's going through and usually whatever it is doesn't happen again.  This is the second time he's stolen a

large sum from me, he helps himself to change but usually I can't be absolutely sure so don't accuse him unless

I'm certain.  This time I went beyond the "I know it was you" and told him I am seriously concerned about him

going down a path that is going to take him where he will not want to be. 

 

I sent him a text asking how his game went, just so he knows I haven't fallen out with him. He hasn't replied but

he knows I'm ok with him.  Today I feel ill again, just as I feared. This feels like my 'depression' part of the

'bi-polar' and I'm sure has been triggered by the stress.  I need to learn how to prevent this, I feel it's hormones

or something, maybe too much adrenalin? Followed by a crash? This is how it always happens, feeling great,

then a crash, sometimes triggered by something, sometimes not. It's been a busy week one way or another with

much talking and social interaction. Changing emotions too with one thing and another. Happy, sad, angry, frustrated, 

elated.....all in one week. For years it's been just flat, like this....................................................................................

no emotion, no change, just flat. 

[mammaP]

mammaP, is this your son's child? I ask because you say his mum would say he's inherited bipolar but his dad says not, and you have said your son understands some stuff ... Either way, labels are not good. Especially not for a 14 year old. What a difficult time for all of you... My daughter had kleptomaniac tendencies at 10, i.e. taking her brothers' stuff,.., what I found under her bed was amazing. Maybe she still does it at 18 in other ways (she owes me money), but everyone to their own (ways of coping, that is.... :/) But yes, ouchy ouch, mammaP, I feel your pain and confusion and desperation, keep on being honest with your grandson

Yes it's my son's boy and the reason I dither about moving away. I've been very close to their kids, the others are have coped and are doing well now but found it hard for a time and spent a lot of time here.  The last thing I want is for for him to feel I've abandoned him. 

[Meimeiquest]

I admire your being there for him, whether from this house or somewhere else.  My mom lived in a highly dysfunctional family growing up, and she felt it was her grandmother's presence in her life (besides God) that kept her stable.  Grandmas have a lot to give!

[MaryKA]

all my support mammaP. I find situations like this so tricky to discuss really properly by typing... Maybe your talking about moving has upset your g'son as well as everything else?

[Nikki]

Hi MamaP....

 

I have been on the site venting about my daughter.  Maybe this will help you a bit.  I divorced when my daughter was 12.  That was when she started acting out.  She was glad her father wasn't in the house.  All he did was yell, so it was peaceful without him.

 

But she was very, very angry at him.  After our divorce he stopped being a decent father and from there her emotional issues have continued and she is now 24.

 

Was one of is parent's acting out with disrespect, infidelity, etc.?  It has long range effects. They are angry and hurt children and stuff alot of pain.

 

What I should have done was been more strict with my daughter.  Boundaries.  It is good that you addressed with stealing.  Set a boundary about that.

 

Can his parents get him into counseling?  My daughter was very difficult about that.

 

As bad as we feel about divorce and children they still need boundaries in place for what is and is not acceptable.  Look who's talking.  Hind site.

 

Here is an idea and I've done it. Can you seek counseling on how to possibly handle things.  I can totally see how stress can fuel depression.

 

Will you or have you taken medication for the bi-polar issue and does it help?

 

Life is very tough sometimes...

[mammaP]

A bad start this morning but got better as the day went on. Met our Katie for a cup of tea and really enjoyed it. 

It was good to meet with someone sharing this tapering minefield. 

 

I have to admit I was very nervous and talked too much, sorry Katie  .  Hopefully will do it again and not yap so much. 

[MaryKA]

Hey mammaP, Glad you had a good time meeting Katie. Don't worry about talking too much, you've got more than one difficult situation right now (either that or one humungous family situation ). You surely did not prevent Katie saying anything??

[mammaP]

Hey mammaP, Glad you had a good time meeting Katie. Don't worry about talking too much, you've got more than one difficult situation right now (either that or one humungous family situation ). You surely did not prevent Katie saying anything??

Thanks Mary, The meet went well  and she did get to speak yes, but I have to work on chattering too much when I'm nervous, and just hope I managed it. lol. 

My mouth runs away with me in person and my fingers get carried away online!  

 

I've been very very tired today,  I'm not used to so much human interaction and every day has been something social going on.

Out to lunch, appointments and visits from and to family and friends. . I'm sleeping better too, not laid awake so long before drifting off to sleep. Don't stay asleep and still not getting anywhere near enough sleep but more than I was. Maybe 3-4 hours instead of 2-3

so it's a great improvement. 

 

My last change in dose was 6 weeks ago, when I switched back to beads from liquid because of allergic reaction. I feel stable and ready to drop another bead but am so scared of feeling bad again! I've been at 4 beads for 4 months, except for a few days when I tried liquid . It's been a bit of a struggle at times but have been pretty stable as far as withdrawal symptoms go for about 4-5 weeks now. Maybe another week? Don't want to go back into withdrawal. I could try tablets to make liquid but don't want to do that because it would be a change in brands and I am so sensitive I don't want to risk anything that's going to make things worse. 

[MaryKA]

I'm sure katie knew that it's strange to meet someone who you've met online ....

 

You'll know yourself, but i wonder (cos I'm not that experienced) whether every drop has an effect. I'm going to choose my time next time, like time of the month and stresses around me, visitors coming or going or whatever ... Maybe you could choose your time, tho' we can't always anticipate what going to happen tomorrow  :/

[mammaP]

I'm back home after a weekend away with my 15 yr old grandaughter. We had a lovely time, went to see a show,

the Buddy Holly story, and loved it. I was very surprised to find myself wanting to get up and jive in the aisle!

Didn't of course, but felt like it, my wobbly legs wouldn't manage that!  We stayed in a hotel, next day  went

shopping then  the cinema. It's hard to believe I'm doing all these things when I was so many years not doing

anything much while on effexor.  And then the withdrawal that hit a few months ago. 

 

To everyone who is tapering effexor, it gets better, it really does, just don't rush it, there is nothing to be gained

by being impatient. 

 

I've aterted to alternate between 3-4 beads. 3 one day 4 the next. It's only been 3 days and fine so far. 

[mammaP]

Today is payback for the weekend, totally exhausted today and done nothing but nurse my pains.

Was totally worth it though, thoroughly enjoyed the weekend. 

I had food sensitivity tests done, I've known for a good few years that food is a problem but just

couldn't pinpoint anything. I've done elimination diets and always feel better after the initial few days 

but the problems always return after eating normally. I have problems with bread but gluten free is just

as bad. The tests pointed to yeast and made perfect sense, candida is the culprit! 

Now I can start to get rid of it by cutting out sugar and yeast products. Of course supplements were

recommended but aren't essential so will be avoiding those . Also peppers, mushrooms, milk, cheese and

a big reaction to Aspartame

but apparently most people react to that one. I already knew it was a problem and have avoided it for years. 

Quite a few E numbers too so will be upping my label watching.  It is better than I thought it would be, I really

thought grains were the culprits. I can cut out what I need to without too much trouble, except for sugar, that

will be difficult when my body is craving it! 

[Nikki]

Glad you sent to see a good show.  That is a fun thing.  You deserve some fun

[mammaP]

Glad you sent to see a good show.  That is a fun thing.  You deserve some fun

Thanks Nikki, we did have fun too! 

 

Yesterday I was surprised and very pleased when my youngest daughter invited me to go on holiday

with her and the 2 little ones!  It is all booked and we fly away to Spain for some much needed sunshine

in 2 weeks 

 

I will be holding at 4 beads until I get back, not going to risk rocking the boat now! 

[alex]

Olè!!

[MaryKA]

There was a week's school holiday about 1 1/2 years ago and my daughter refused to come cos of her stepdad, so we met in London West End and did the musical Wicked! which was such fun, also the day before and after was good just doing stuff together in the Big City. These times are special even if (or maybe so because) they are few and far between (that trip was soooo expensive...) But hey! You did it, mammaP! It will be part of the store of good times

[MaryKA]

And as for the fall out, well, mmm, sympathy but you should be proud of yourself for keeping going all weekend. Anyone could feel exhausted after a big weekend away ...

[MaryKA]

mammaP, sorry for the multiple posts cos I'm catching up ...

 

Allergy tests are incredibly useful. Like I had a reaction to Balsam of Peru which is in chewing gum, which I was chewing then quite a bit. But it didn't highlight nicotine, to which I have observed skin reactions.

 

I have dealt with sugar cravings by keeping off the sugar so the fat metabolism can kick in (as soon as you have sugar, metabolism of fat is severely reduced) and drinking water (cos metabolising fat uses up water -- that fact comes from a set of first-year biochemistry lectures). mmm, yeah will power too :/

[MaryKA]

How lovely to have a holiday with a child and her family. And from what you've said before, it is a real healing thing and a reaching out from her. Such warm thoughts to have.... Get your sunglasses out? 8)

[kaza31]

oh lucky you mammaP

 

you deserve a wee break, that so nice of your daughter

 

but don't be drinking too much sangria lol

 

all the best

Kx

[mammaP]

I posted this in off topic to share with everyone, and also posting it here as part of my journal.

Sorry if anyone has already seen it over there. 

 

Wednesday 9th 2.30am

 

Tonight I was watching tv, around 11.30 when my son called. He told me he was out watching

the sky for the northern lights and would I like to join him. I made flasks of coffee and headed out of town 

to the beach. We were alone at a secluded spot with no street lights or buildings so no light pollution.

 

The waves were tumbling gently onto the shore, white surf sparkling as they hit the beach. On the horizon

there were clouds stretching right across the sky, and it was impossible to see where the sea ended and the

sky began. There was an oil tanker in the distance, all lit up and looking like it was suspended in the sky! 

An oyster catcher was calling, it's sound was crystal clear against the waves. The lights weren't visible then

but the cloud was moving.

 

And the stars, they were AMAZING, billions of them with the bigger ones twinkling and one even shot across

the sky directly above us. Looking North the clouds were starting to break up and the lights were starting to dance 

between them.  Ian set up his tripod and camera and we watched as the clouds were clearing and the sky was

glowing a gorgeous green.   The broken clouds were like black ink that had been spilled out of an inkwell. 

 

And then it was gone as more cloud came over and covered the sky. We sat there in silence for a few more

minutes and I remembered a few short months ago when I was so depressed with withdrawal that I wanted to

walk into the very same sea from that very same spot, feeling so low that life just was not worth living. 

 

I am so so glad I found this forum, and learned all I have about drugs, and myself. I let myself back in at 1.30am

with the memory of a beautiful night sky shared with my son, to go along with the memory of watching the night

sky with him as a 5 year old on a camping trip. 

 

It was very special and I wanted to share it.  He will be processing the pictures he managed to take and when he's 

done I will  post one to show you. 

[mammaP]

I had an appointment today and when I went to start the car it was dead.... nothing, not even a whimper! 

Then I remembered, I didn't turn the lights off after my late night gallivanting and the battery was flat! 

I'm not used to going out after dark,! 

[mammaP]

I have been continuing with my clearing out, and boxed up loads of craft stuff ready to go to my niece, who is so excited 

to be given it.  I'm happy that it's going to someone who will love going through the box like a child in a candy store, it

makes parting with it sweet instead of a wrench.   People are beginning to notice the lack of clutter and much less furniture 

in my home.  I am quite pleased with myself for doing it and NOT shopping to replace it all! 

[Meimeiquest]

All such wonderful stories! Thank you for sharing!

[mammaP]

Thanks Meime, this morning I wanted to pinch myself to be sure I wasn't dreaming because I still feel

ok! Need a chill day to relax and will do just that instead of pushing myself. I intend getting out my sewing

machine for the first time in a long long time! It's been a very busy time and now I'm tired but happy tired.

I can't believe the difference, and never EVER thought I would feel this alert again. 2 years ago my brain was mush,

memory shot and couldn't string a sentence together!