☼ Hello. mammaP checking in!

[MaryKA]

Oh my, mammaP, your family stuff sounds like an absolute nightmare.

 

I don't know if this is your in laws or your own family. For me, my own family is so distant that I'm simply on watchkeeping duty for my elderly mum. But re my married relationships, you may have seen at the beginning of June that I was going to divorce my husband (no longer not), and that was partly (mostly?, wholly?)  because hubby was defending his siblings to the hilt even in the face of my own upset at their behaviour, so of course they carried on behaving however they liked!! I think he knows now how he cannot ignore my upset but it's still to be tested ...

 

In my old age I'm coming to a horrible yet pragmatic conclusion (horrible to old me but forcibly pragmatic) that I cannot keep giving in the face of bad behaviour and even I should not keep giving: cos it saps my capacity to keep giving and thinking, cos it is not helpful to me, is even counterproductive to me, and allows the other to carry on regardless. e.g a sister-in-law of my own age who is rather childish, who has attacked me regularly since I married her brother, and I've had only 'apologies' from my hubby (i.e. he explained her side....). I write having survived a meeting with her two days ago.

 

oh mammaP, who understands you in all this family stuff?

[mammaP]

Oh my, mammaP, your family stuff sounds like an absolute nightmare.

 

I don't know if this is your in laws or your own family. For me, my own family is so distant that I'm simply on watchkeeping duty for my elderly mum. But re my married relationships, you may have seen at the beginning of June that I was going to divorce my husband (no longer not), and that was partly (mostly?, wholly?)  because hubby was defending his siblings to the hilt even in the face of my own upset at their behaviour, so of course they carried on behaving however they liked!! I think he knows now how he cannot ignore my upset but it's still to be tested ...

 

In my old age I'm coming to a horrible yet pragmatic conclusion (horrible to old me but forcibly pragmatic) that I cannot keep giving in the face of bad behaviour and even I should not keep giving: cos it saps my capacity to keep giving and thinking, cos it is not helpful to me, is even counterproductive to me, and allows the other to carry on regardless. e.g a sister-in-law of my own age who is rather childish, who has attacked me regularly since I married her brother, and I've had only 'apologies' from my hubby (i.e. he explained her side....). I write having survived a meeting with her two days ago.

 

oh mammaP, who understands you in all this family stuff?

 

Nightmare is the right word Katie. It did end badly! My son has been good and supported me.  The neighbours started again on Friday too and I ended up getting upset. I got in the car on Saturday and went away for the weekend.  I was running on pure adrenalin and had to get away, the neighbours were still at it!  It was a good thing in the end that I went because I actually had a few hours where I forgot everything, went to a movie and laughed till my sides hurt! I nearly didn't go to that one because it was violent and I do NOT like violent movies! There were huge fights,lots of noise and heads and limbs flying everywhere.   But they were robots and the blood was ink , and it was hilarious! I stayed in a hotel and have just got home. I am looking for somewhere else and the perfect house is available. Right in the heart of the countryside on a working farm 8 miles from civilisation. But I have to get my sensible hat on, would it really be good for me to be so isolated? My heart right now is saying yes, my head is disagreeing. 

[MaryKA]

... My son has been good and supported me. 

 

SNIP ..

 

the perfect house is available. Right in the heart of the countryside on a working farm 8 miles from civilisation. But I have to get my sensible hat on, would it really be good for me to be so isolated? My heart right now is saying yes, my head is disagreeing. 

 

 

 

having your son with you must be very comforting, I'm so glad mammaP

 

I know exactly the sort of place in the countryside. As you know, we live only a few miles apart! I would also notice my heart and head disagreeing ... Me, I'm really glad I'm in a sizeable village, cos I can just step out of my door and be on the scene, but it's not scary cos the village is so quiet. And then again, I don't have to get through snow drifts in winter. Yet, having neighbours can be a downside: in my case one feeds the seagulls so they are cackling and sh*tting all day and another occasionally turns up his music at 3 am. On balance for me, I'd go with having as many neighbours as possible, there's a chance I'll get on with someone

 

What's the dilemma that your heart and head pose?

[mammaP]

I AM A MESS. The truth is that my weekend jaunt was a reaction to heaps of stress that has been going on and I ended

 up having a very public meltdown and disowned my daughters. I snapped. I was threatened with the police detaining me

on a section, publicly on fb . and everyone thinking I was going to commit suicide. I kept saying I was not suicidal or having

a breakdown just exhausted physically and emotionally.  I lost it and HAD to get away and out of this flat. I was hurt, frustrated

and tired...so so tired. And now I feel terrible. One daughter was pleading with me to go to the hospital as I was obviously very 

ill and the other said I was a danger to myself and others and the police would be called.Neither have spoken to me for several

weeks and this all played out by fb and text Both said I need to go back on the meds because I'm clearly losing it. 

In the old days I would have gone for a walk but I can't do that any more. I felt ill later, really ill, in pain, sweating profusely and couldn't 

pass water.  Yesterday I was calm and in control, and felt fine. I didn't drive in my meltdown, I calmed down enough to drive first. I won't

drive unless I'm completely capable, in fact I drove very well once I got in the car and turned the key, it was a welcome distraction

having to focus on the road and the adrenalin sharpened my brain a little, it wasn't in a fog and I felt fine but can understand why

everyone was concerned because it is just not me and the only time I have flipped before was when I was on paroxetine years ago.

 

Tonight I'm wondering if it was withdrawal or was I just pushed to the limit.I shouldn't have snapped . I just read a post on another 

 thread, can't remember which one, but the poster said she locked herself in a room in a rage. It resonated with me and I'm wondering

if it is a reaction to withdrawing, or from when I accidentally took the wrong capsule, and took a full 75mg instead of 4 beads.

That was 14 days ago. It would be easy to blame it on the meds instead of accepting responsibility for losing control. 

[mammaP]

Today I am at rock bottom and don't know how I am going to get back up. 

Over tha last 15 years I've had breast cancer, a bowel resection for bowel cancer, full surgery gall bladder removal with incision from my chest to pubis

right next to the bowel incision, just as large. A hip replacement, knee replacement, burst appendix and a breast reduction

to reduce the weight because it was putting pressure on my spine. Double pneumonia needing hospital for a week, and

last year I had septicaemia and almost died. I was critically ill and doctors were amazed I made it through. They never identified the cause and

didn't know what they were fighting. That was 18 months ago. Add to that the ADs and I have been one very sick lady but kept going.

Then I started to taper and slowly felt better. Then the family stuff kicked off 3 months ago, one daughter hasn't spoken to me since and the other has 

been travelling, and been in touch twice, both times telling me to sort things out with her sister, who was lying to her about why she wasn't speaking to me.  

 

I won't go into all the details again and bore you with it but one of the girls said that I seriously need to get a life. Get out and do things and get busy

then I wouldn't have time to brood on things. 

 

I KNOW THAT and that is what I'm trying to do !!!!  I was accused of being out of it all the time before, and I was. but it's been a hell of a road back. I haven't 

gone on about being ill I've just got on with it but  get berated by one daughter  for not being able to do things. The other hasn't spoken for several weeks.

 

They don't understand why I am upset. Last year one asked me if I wanted to go on holiday and I was thrilled. Then they went away with friends instead, twice, then with in laws... twice.  

 

They've said I'm useless with the kids, and my grandaughters don't want to be around me. Even with all my health problems I've always looked after the kids and they loved being at grandmas . 

 

Now I feel emotionally and physically spent with nothing to look forward to. today I see no point in anything. I have a few good friends and my son has been amazing. The other grandkids still  come but now I am not sure if they come because they like to or because they have to. I don't want to talk to anyone, if my own family don't get me then what chance has anyone else? I have apologised for my meltdown and told the girls I love them. I repeated over and over the other night that I love them and I still got abuse from one of them right up till the early hours, and at the same time the neighbours were rowing.  It was telling me to get a life that really hit me hard. I haven't just been lazing around.

 

I don't know if I am going to be better without meds. I could go back to not caring about anything, not feeling sad or upset, but that was wrong too. 

 

I am in a state today. A real mess. 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

mammaP,

 

My heart is just breaking for you, you've gone through stuff (like the surgeries) NONE of us should have to go through. And the family drama in all of it is surely too much.

 

All I know is, is we do what we have to do for US. If 'others' can't see that we're on a path that is right for US, then that's the way it is. A friend used to say "Eff 'em and don't give them any cookies".

 

You hang in there! You are much too valuable for us to lose.

[mammaP]

I feel so stupid and ashamed for losing it and hate myself, I have to move away, not just from this place 

but from the area. I haven't had an episode for 11 years but if I stay here there will be more ahead 

and that will mean hospitals and drugs. I won't let that happen. I have to do what's right for me now. 

It fills me with fear being without my family but really can't see any other way now.  

 

I keep thinking I'm over reacting and it must be my own fault but everything is by message or text and

I can look back at it all. I know I'm not perfect and I do some stupid things sometimes but I always try

to avoid doing or saying anything that would hurt someone.. I work hard on it and probably worry too

much about other people. If I come across as critical it certainly isn't intended and I thought my family

would know that.    Now I've ruined all my efforts and I might just as well have stayed on the full dose

and stayed a zombie.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

 

Now I've ruined all my efforts and I might just as well have stayed on the full dose

and stayed a zombie.

 

Somehow, I don't think that's the answer. I do not think you have ruined all your efforts. You are really in a bad wave right now. I have no answers, only support. You were talking about moving, perhaps that might be in your future? And family dramas have ways of sorting themselves out.

 

You take care of YOU, whatever you need to do.

[MaryKA]

All this is really tough for you mammaP, just awful in fact, I don't know what else to say ... My way of coping with a tough family life is to get out of it, do something else, not get involved, stop talking but that's not necessarily to be recommended, I've nearly got divorced by it, and I have never done it with my own children. I wonder though if a change in the method of communication would help.

 

From what you say, your son and his children will be really genuine about seeing you.

 

Living in the country seems right for you! ....

Edited August 1, 2013 by Altostrata
edited by request of poster

[mammaP]

The country is where I belong Katie, I just feel right there. Don't get me wrong, I don't really want to isolate myself completely from the world,

just be able to join it when I choose and withdraw when I need to.  Some people just love having people all around them all the time.

That irritates the life out of me and I get claustrophobic.  My son in law knows the landlord of the tenants from hell and is going to tell him just

how bad things are, but he's been told before and not done anything. Whatever happens with them I want to move anyway, it just isn't right

for me in town. 

[mammaP]

I apologised to my daughters and sent flowers to one, the other one is on holiday but I sent a message 

to apologise for my meltdown.  I still have no idea why things got so bad,

we have never fallen out before....ever. They are angry with me for stopping my meds, they don't understand 

tapering at all, or how anti depressants work....or don't work!  They think that is why I had an episode. 

I think they might be right in a way. Looking back I think it might have been partly because of withdrawal, but

mostly an accumulation of terrible stress and sleep deprivation. Whatever it was, it's over now and I can focus 

on more important things. I'm still looking to move away and have started my search. 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

mammaP,

 

That sounds so positive! Perhaps for you, moving away is just what you need. I am a firm believer in taking care of YOU first and the rest will sort itself out.

[mammaP]

mammaP,

 

That sounds so positive! Perhaps for you, moving away is just what you need. I am a firm believer in taking care of YOU first and the rest will sort itself out.

I have started to let things go too, a desk last night and a table and chair today. Along with craft stuff I have a lot of broken/old furniture

that is a mess because I can't resist rescuing tatty stuff destined for the landfill. All of it was going to be upcycling projects.! 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Oh, you must have been here while I posted!

 

Yup, I have a lot of stuff I've collected for 'upcycling' too but I decided to give almost all of it away and start fresh (and a whole lot uncluttered!) It is going slowly, but it is getting there......

 

And around here, I can always get more stuff. When the snowbirds come down for the winter, they often clean out stuff, remodel their places and have yard sales. Stuff I thought I was interested in and kept, I no longer have any inspiration for. My new rule (hopefully) is going to be: 1 project at a time, finish it and display or use it. Or re-donate if it doesn't turn out to be exactly what I want. I am getting a tingle of excitement just thinking about it.....

[mammaP]

Feel ill today, and depressed. Just want to sleep.

[lexicon]

Hi mammaP,

I am saddened that you are feeling ill and depressed ..

It may be withdrawal, so please bear with it's unpleasantness ..

Sending you love and light

And wishing you blessings of healing and well being.

Lexi

[annelle]

Hello MammaP,

 

I just want to say that I am so sorry for all you are going through. All that family stuff is enough to bring anyone down, and especially in the midst of withdrawal. And thinking and planning a move can be very stressful as well.

 

This heat wave we are having at the moment is tough to handle. At least here in Denmark it is unusually hot, and I think it is perhaps even worse in your neck of the woods.

 

I hope you are feeling better today. Cyber hugs from Denmark!

[mammaP]

Thank you Annelle and Lexicon, your thoughts and hugs are much appreciated. 

I feel a bit better today and actually feel like tackling something for the first time in weeks.

I gave away a huge box of bits and pieces yesterday, screws, nails, nuts and bolts kind of stuff.

All in their divided storage case. My days of DIY are definitely over so there was no point hanging

on to them. I took out all the hooks and the little nails for hanging pictures and the rest have gone.

Someone is coming to pick up another desk and computer stuff so it's all good.  

 

Tomorrow I am going to house sit a little country cottage with a gorgeous garden for a few days

so will get some peaceful nights. 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

 

Tomorrow I am going to house sit a little country cottage with a gorgeous garden for a few days

 

I got goosebumps of delight when I pictured a setting like that!

[mammaP]

It's a lovely little place CW  but sadly not well enough to drive today.

I have the key and can come and go as I please so will go tomorrow .

I've been so so tired today and think I am still suffering from when I 

accidentally took the wrong capsule which contained a full 75mg,

100 times more than my regular dose.  It was about 2 weeks ago 

and I only realised today about it being 100 times more than usual

so it's no wonder I've been feeling ill . 

, 

[mammaP]

I feel a bit better today and will be going to my little retreat later. I'm not taking the lappy,

see if I can get by without technology for a few days!

That will probably be a bigger withdrawal than the drugs, lol. 

A nice little garden to potter and sit in, and a little lane with raspberries ready for picking. 

Much excited 

[mammaP]

Back from my little break. My attempts to go cold turkey from technology lasted a few hours! 

I can't seem to sit still and watch tv without another screen in front of me!! Think it is time I dug out

some of that craft stuff and put it to good use instead of flicking between the same 3 or 4 websites

over and over. 

 

I feel much better today after a bad start. Mornings have been quite depressing lately, not wanting to 

get out of bed and start the day, wondering what on earth I'm going to do to fill all those hours.

When I was on the full dose I didn't even think about it, didn't care very much. Just kind of drifted

from one day to the next feeling nothing, just very tired and 'brain dead' . Now I feel more alert

and my head is much clearer but physically feel just the same, tired and in pain. 

. My taper should have been over now and I had booked a hotel to attend a convention at the end of the month.

I booked it when I felt better and really thought I would be ready but now have to face it that I won't be

up to it and to try will just make me feel worse. That was my goal and now I have to make a new one. 

 

It's hard to believe now that just over 3 months ago I felt good and  quit at just 5 BEADS. 

5 BEADS, that is all. It seems ridiculous that such a tiny amount can lead to withdrawal but it did.

These drugs are so  toxic it's criminal prescribing them . 

[mammaP]

Yesterday was quite a good day, still in pain but that's the norm. I went to see the dolphins, I could just see

them from my window but only just because of the distance so I got in the car and went to the beach with my camera.

Then I saw them breeching, just their fin and a bit of their back but still a lovely sight, there was a boat beside them 

and I swear they were giving a private performance just for the people on that boat. I took out my camera, switched it on,

started to focus and the batteries conked! Not to worry, I thought that might happen so picked up some spares on my way

out the door, only they weren't in my bag.  This morning I found them on the counter where I put them while I found my keys.

Then when I retrieved said camera from my bag I found my little camera that I take everywhere   .  And that was fully 

charged. How could I forget I had that one???? No don't try to answer that 

 

Then later on the neighbours started crashing around and fighting again and someone else called the police for a change,

2 units turned up and one of them was arrested. After that it was all quiet but I couldn't sleep. Today I am exhausted

again and in a LOT of pain. Whenever I do something physical one day I suffer for it the day after. 

[annelle]

Hello MammaP,

 

I can totally relate to what you said in the last paragraph of your post. I, too, have to pay for physical activity by feeling exhausted and in pain and with restless legs and muscle spasms, for two or three days after the activity.

 

It feels unfair somehow, because I always feel like I should push myself to get out more and be with other people, and when I do I get punished for days afterwards. As if I had done a bad thing.

 

For a while I thought it was an age thing, but now, learning a lot on this site, i chalk it up to withdrawal for the most part. Of course, things might have been a little easier if I had been in my thirties instead of my sixties but still ... as I keep reminding myself: I am 61, not 91!

[mammaP]

Thanks Annelle for the reply, The exhaustion after activity has been an issue for me 

for years and is one of the reasons I wanted off effexor. I was having the same symptoms

from taking the stuff as I now get withdrawing and it's so hard sometimes to know if what I'm

suffering is still side effects OR is it withdrawal???  During my taper I would drop the dose,

feel a wee bit light headed for a day or 2 then feel better. After a few weeks I started to feel the 

side effects again and took that as a signal for my next drop. That worked well for me until

the last 3 months and things got a bit mixed up. 

 

Today I started my liquid, the equivalent of the 4 beads. I took it 3 hours ago and now feel 

nauseous and a bit 'spaced' and that feeling behind the eyes when moving the eyeballs, like

withdrawal. I felt fine before I took the stuff! 

[Altostrata]

The liquid dosage may need some adjustment. Note: If you were taking Effexor XR beads before, you are taking immediate-release Effexor in the liquid form.

[mammaP]

Thank you Alto, they are different brands too, the liquid is venlafaxine sugar free, but is very sweet.

It also contains, propylene glycol (e1520), methyl hydroxybenzoate (e216) liquid maltitol (e965 2g/5ml)

 

Maybe the other ingredients are causing a reaction too?  My tongue and throat are red and  irritated.

I have to be so careful with additives in general. I'll stick with it a few days and halve the dose to see

how things pan out. I felt quite ill yesterday and almost fell over feeling drunk at one point! 

[Altostrata]

Please contact your pharmacist to see if you are having an allergic reaction to the additives.

[mammaP]

I'll keep an eye on things Alto. I took 2 doses today,. I felt that 4 was too much, I hope this liquid 

works out for me. I've felt better today so maybe it's the right dose for now but will take a few days to tell.

[mammaP]

I had a bad night after my last dose of liquid with vomiting and abdo pain, then woke feeling very depressed and

suicidal again. I've decided to go back to the beads because I'm sure I'm having a reaction to something in the medicine. 

I cut the dose to reduce side effects and felt withdrawal so am giving up with it.

 I know that an allergic reaction can get worse and don't think it is worth the risk.

 

2 of the elders have just been to see me and they were lovely, so kind and thoughtful, even understood about

withdrawal and side effects! I cried all the time they were here but it felt good to let it all out and I feel better now 

[mammaP]

After my last post about reacting to the liquid with vomiting, my son said he had a bad tummy, pain and vomiting!

I had spent the afternoon with him and we shared dessert so it was obviously that which made me ill and I was 

blaming the liquid venlafaxine . I stuck with it and have reduced slightly, which seems to be better. 

 

I've just been out for lunch with friends who have been understanding and supportive about me tapering.

I almost cancelled because I had no sleep last night and felt rough but couldn't get hold of them so went anyway. 

I am glad I did, it was tiring and felt quite ill but the best thing was that they told me they can see a huge difference in me

since starting the taper and said it's like the old me is coming back and a light is switched on behind my eyes  . That

is music to my ears and makes it all worth while. They also acknowledged that the tears they see me shed are emotion

and not depression,  I just wish my girls could see that, all they see is mum stopping her meds and waiting for me to 

crash and end up in hospital.  It's funny because the boys can see it and know I'm getting better ! 

[MaryKA]

Hi mammaP, I've been off the forum for about a month, what with holidays and visitors, but now I'm back, can I say well done for keeping your chin up and being so pragmatic? Even while you are being terribly ill from food poisoning... Of course, we don't see everything between your posts, but your posts are quite reasonable given the stuff going on elsewhere in your life!!! Are you doing better now with the liquid prep?

[mammaP]

Thanks Katie, felt really bad today and have given up on the liquid.  When I take it I soon feel

bad, and every morning have withdrawal zaps. Yesterday I squirted my dose onto the palm of my hand

and today the skin is peeling!! The vomiting settled but still have cramps and bloating so definitely

feel I'm reacting to something in it. I started the beads again today and will just stick with those. 

I'm feeling a bit frustrated now, it seems to be taking forever on the last few beads. I had been so much better

before the family stuff kicked off but that's all sorted now, it's hard to believe stress can have such an effect!

[Altostrata]

The liquid is not extended-release Effexor, as the beads are. When you switch from Effexor XR to regular Effexor, you may need to take it twice a day to forestall withdrawal symptoms.

 

You may wish to make a liquid with water from regular Effexor tablets and take a dose twice a day.

[mammaP]

Thanks Alto, I took it 4 times a day as the doctor prescribed. Diluted .1ml to make 8 ml in the syringe and took 2ml

4xday so 1 syringe did the whole day.  Tried to make it 6 hourly so was evenly spaced but had withdrawal after 4 hours, then 

instant side effects after taking it. My throat is still a bit sore but clearing and my mouth is less sore.

I was shocked when the skin was peeling where I put the stuff on it! I dare not ask my doctor for tablets after convincing him to give me liquid, he snorted with disbelief when I told him I have to be careful with additives

so he would not believe me at all if I told him I reacted to such a miniscule dose. 

 

I feel ill today. really ill, in a lot of pain and exhausted. Very depressed too, I am beginning to think that I am destined for

protracted withdrawal even after 18 months of tapering from 37.5mg   I did everything just right, or so I thought, and didn't suffer at all 

until 14 months in when I stopped at 5 beads. Reinstated and got back on track but the last few weeks have been a nightmare roller coaster and I want to get off!! 

[Altostrata]

Yes, it does sound like you are severely allergic to something in that liquid mixture.

 

Again, you might consider making your own with water.