☼ angie007's story

[Healing]

Fabulous, Angie! Great manifesto!

[Punarbhava]

Congratulations on ditching the drug Angie!!

 

 

Congrats also on your first window.

 

 

Great self-empowering post BTW.

 

 

Quote to support your "Ditch the Drug Day": Today, is the first day of the rest of my life.

 

 

You are now FREE!!

 

 

 

Punar

[angie007]

Well i have something to share guys,

 

Throughout my long taper of 42 months, and having

symptoms throughout, i now have VALIDATION.

My diagnosis from my doctor, recieved today,

Seroxat tolerance as to why the wd has been gruelling and hard.

 

Seroxat Withdrawal Syndrome - the definite cause of all

the problems i have had.

 

I have fought for years for this, knowing i was 1000%

right all along, yippeeeeeee.

[angie007]

Well what a day,

Woke early 6.30am Uk time, to use the bathroom

and planned on going back to bed to get a few more hours zzz,

got back in bed, and started to feel very odd, like m y brain was trying to

rewire itself, very odd feeling.

Then the crazy mental stuff hit, along with health anxiety created by feelings

of doom, my heart was banging sobadly in my chest, felt hot, but no temp,

sweaty, nauseaus, light headed and faint UGH,

really felt unwell.

 

Got up about 30mins later, as i didnt start to feel any better in bed,

anxiety, pacing, palpitations really bad, and the awful crying ahhhhh.

Tried to keep myself busy doing the jobs i had to do, and in the afternoon

ended up back in bed, where this horrible stuff decided to let up

about 4pm.

 

Heck, i didnt realise it was possible to feel so unwell and still be alive.

But i am!!!!!

Im wondering now, as i feel so much better today,

could this possibly be from tolerance wd???

or just paxil wd????

Anyone???????

[summer]

Of course, it could be wd... but, I refer to those kinds of days as... days in a life. Meaning, most people have days like you had even if they had never taken a pill. Today is a good day in your life. Doesn't matter about yesterday... make every second count today. Wondering exactly what yesterday was all about, wastes away today.

[Neuroplastic]

Angie, I merged your new topic with the last one to keep track of your progress better.

[angie007]

Well guys,

 

Much as im pleased to have parted company with gsk and there wonder drug seroxat,

the last few days have not been the best.

thursday was doom day, you know those feelings of doom aghhhh, friday was better.

saturday was awful, palpitations and raging anxiety, my husband was so scared he took me to the

hospital - waste of time. #

 

I explained i was newly off seroxat and was experiencing these symptoms, he said seroxat cant do that??????

Hm, ok , he said my pulse rate was alittle on the high side, but bp was normal.

He then said that he would normally have prescribed diazepam, but because its obvious

" i have an a ddictive nature" as i was suffering getting off seroxat he would rather not,

and proceeded to get into the DSMV on side effects

of propranelol. While he was doing this, i casually asked would he mind re checking the side effects#

of seroxat - he handed me the book to read for myself, whereby i proceeded to read the long list of side effects

associated, to which he replied ! im not an expert ! lol.

Anyway, i didnt cash any prescription.

 

 

Sunday i woke up and felt like i was dying, i had a taste in my mouth, like id been sucking on a coin all night,

sort of metallic tase, terrific nausea, head just didnt feel right at all, and dry heaving, so i stayed in bed.

I woke crying, and said to my husband, how is it possible to feel so ill and still uu

be alive, which upset him, and im sorry i did that, but just tried to relay what i was feeling at the time.

Monday, more of the same nauseaus feelings, my body felt really achy,and the dizzyness just wasnt good,

just didnt feel well, so decided to stay in bed, my 2nd day under the duvet, oh joy!!!

I also had a phone consultation with my doctor, and explained how and what i was feeling, and he said

it was to be expected after tolerance wd and long term use, so im running all this by you guys just for

reassrance. He also said that after the first month or so, a lot of the worst symptoms should ease somewhat???

wether that is true or not, i dont know, but he said there would be waves and windows for some months.

Overly optimistic was what came to mind lol.

 

 

Today, got up after sleeping well, and felt so much better at first, hubby brought me a cuppa before he left

for work, and i was actually smiling, he was so happy, after all my mornings of waking up in floods of tears.

This soon changed, the nausea returned, weird feelings in the head - bit like racy feelings, ears hurt-not pain,

more like congested feelings, andthe anxiety that had lid dormant for a few days, i could feel starting to build,

but not anything i couldnt cope with. I have hot and cold chills, so i guess staying in bed with the laptop and A

book is te best thing for me right now. Im disappointed that things changed from early this morning, but i guess

thats the nature of wd, or i hope some of you are going to write to tell me it is, hopefully.

Im very bored and feel i want to do more, but understand right now, that im not in that place where i can, i can only

hope and pray that in time, things will turn around.

 

I guess some here will say that, it could be worse, and i apprciate that, but after tolerance wd which was long and arduous

and sometimes down right crappy, i am so looking forward to getting some times of just feeling better in myself,

i havent felt well for along time, so if anyone would like to share there early days of wd, just to make me feel

a little better,i would be very grateful.

 

I also, with my husband, made the decision to tell my children all about what id experienced from a legal

prescription drug, it was a very emotional day, as my youngest daugter was in floods of tears, not something

i wanted t happen, but like me, she is very sensitive too, and she said, she was glad she knew as she could support

me now. heck arent parents supposed to support there children? instead of the other way around.

My oldest daughter who we dont see too much of, then text my cell phone, and told me she understood, as she had

been using benzodiazepines, and did a wd from that, i had no idea,

then she turned round and told me i have to go out, and force myself to do things????

What, with flu symptoms, dizzyness and nausea???

Im not laid in this bed because i want to be, i assured her, its because i have to be.

her next comment was, well im just telling you, that unless you push yourself to do things,

it wont get better.

maybe she didnt feel what im feeling right now, and if she did, i know that she wouldnt have been up to

pushing herself to go out either.

[stan]

hi,

 

people around you will have difficult to understand , because in your state , we often speak about suffering, and as it lasts months, people are fatigued of our persistent state, even you will be fatigued of waiting, you have to fight alone,

the first months are hard (i suffered two years before hormones are a little more normal) and today feel a little better but i am not turning the corner tomorrow,

you have been very poisoned as many

with time chemical anxiety/agoraphobia will diminish (it has diminished to me, i catched severe akathisia at 9 months to 14,5)but today am less bad and have hope because i experience really little subtile recovering

so with time ...

[Baxter]

Wow, Angie, you are OFF paxil!

 

I guess with poop-out/withdrawal the only way out is through. I'm thinking of you and praying for you, girl friend.

[Healing]

It's a very big deal that you decided to tell your children the whole truth. I wouldn't be surprised if that has contributed to setting off your CNS.

 

Whether it has or not, the treatment is the same. Be gentle with yourself. Read things that are uplifting and help you keep the faith. This *is* typical for w/d, and, although it is one of the worst tortures imaginable, it is absolutely safe. And it will end.

 

Sending good energy!

[angie007]

Well, eldest daughter didnt leave it at a text message,

she visited my home last night, came belting up the stairs

where.. i was propped up in my bed reading, and demanded to know

what the hell i was doing in bed?

 

So i explained, it was a sheer waste of time, they just never get it, thanks stan, you were right,

i honestly thought after she did a benzo wd, she would be more sympathetic.

The only good thing to come from that conversation was, that given time, we can all forget

about this misery, as she so obviously has!!!!

 

Today im just teary to think , that she implies that what im feeling is not real,

i know how i feel, i know what im capable of, and i know that when these flu feelings

leave i wll push myself to partake in normal life, but i also know how far to push,

and when to be kind to myself too.

 

I think what upset me the most, was her insinuation, that we now have

7 weeks left before the first of these 2 weddings, and by me not pushing myself to

do more, i am going to be spoiling everyone's day.

Maybe, my initial thoughts of not telling them, were the right one's afterall?????

[stan]

Maybe, my initial thoughts of not telling them, were the right one's afterall?????

 

tell or not tell doesn't matter, people around you will see you have an abnormal behaviour as i, it lasts months

so we have to live with, in hope a day it will be away

with windows we have hope

tell but do not regret, we suffer too much to enter in these considerations, we are saving our life, one day you will be ok 80% and be happy

keep in mind that many people want your position in bed and be off, because they are far, and you know the true, many do not know what happen them

[Altostrata]

...While he was doing this, i casually asked would he mind re checking the side effects#

of seroxat - he handed me the book to read for myself, whereby i proceeded to read the long list of side effects

associated, to which he replied ! im not an expert ! lol.

LOL with you, angie, you are a scrappy lass!

 

....

I also had a phone consultation with my doctor, and explained how and what i was feeling, and he said

it was to be expected after tolerance wd and long term use, so im running all this by you guys just for

reassrance. He also said that after the first month or so, a lot of the worst symptoms should ease somewhat???

wether that is true or not, i dont know, but he said there would be waves and windows for some months....

At least he seems to understand somewhat.

 

Hang in there, ang, it'll be ups and downs for a while. Is your bedroom nice and dark? You might look into blackout shades and curtains to protect your sleep, so you don't wake up as soon as it starts to be light around 4 a.m.

 

As for your daughters, well, they will have to understand you are not feeling well and doing the best you can.

[angie007]

Hey yeah have blacout blinds, although i wish my room didnt get the early

morning sunlight phew, i am usually awakened by the first light of the day,

and the dawn chorus lol, must invest in some blackout eye patches.

 

Oh guys i dont know, when does this flu crap go away, so sick of waking

each morning with nausea, its horrible, and wasting even more of my life

lying in this bed, crying and praying that tomorrow will be better than today.

 

Why oh why, do we have to suffer so darn much to stop taking a legal

prescription drug, this is so so wrong.

Sorry guys, its teary time yet again.

[Baxter]

Angie, have you tried ginger (candy or tea) for the nausea? It has been of some help for nausea after drops for me...Also, peppermint tea is really good for that heartburn/nauseous feeling.

 

I am so sorry you're feeling sh*tty. The one thing I would like to point out is YOU ARE OFF PAXIL!!! It's important to remember that you have made it this far.

 

Hugs and prayers

[angie007]

Hi guys,

 

Well today woke up to yes nausea but less intense, achy but less intense, head feels a little mushy, with vague pain here and there,

so i decided to get up and do some jobs around the house, which have been abandoned for a few days, while ive been out of action.

I even mustered up the enthusiasm and energy to do some vacuuming too, along with some cleaning and some washing.

Im happy to say, that up until now, although things have been a bit rough, by no means have they been as bad as my ct attempts in 05,

and i pray to GOD, that they remain that way.

All i would like to do now, is feel a little bit better in myself, glean back a little energy and pick up the pieces of my life again,

after this chemical intrusion to my brain and body, if that is possible.

 

Ive had a couple of low moments toda\y, but they have been situational;=

It was one of the babys birthdays that we lost, and i guess i felt really guilty that i was not well enough to visit the crematorium,

that is the first time ever, that i havent done that, so thanks GSK, u even took that away from me.

 

Then hubby came home fron work, and every night he comes in so optimistic that " im back" only to find me in my sick bed,

i see the hurt in his eyes, the helplessness, as he cant do a thing to help, and neither can I.

 

I know its early days, 9 days into recovery is nothing, but its hard, as he saw me sick while tapering too,

and he told me , that when i ditch the poison i would feel better, and in some ways i really do, its just this flu/nausea

and weird head pressure.

Ive tried to explain, that wd is not linear, there are going to be bumps in the road,

a bit up and down for while - but its so hard to explain.

Because i did the jobs i did today, he cudnt understand, that by the time he got home from work i was back in my bed.

He is expecting to see steady improvement everyday, and i dont think he is going to see that, hence causing more

upset for him, and pressure on me.

 

Iwould be grateful if anyone reading this could possibly try and explain to him.

He also cant grASP why ive had to be in bed, i did a really long slow taper 56months,

he read on the other unnamed site, that slow taper means minimal symptoms, and he takes that to mean

quicker recovery.

 

I guess unless, as i said in another thread here, i made 2 helmets and filled them both

with ct wd symptoms and slow taper symptoms and made him wear them for a couple of days,

how could he understand.

Im also wondering if truly, deep down, he has doubts about wether any of us really do get better!!!!

 

Maybe someone here can help me out,get him to understand, offer some reassurance, as i think

the whole thing has had an inpact on him too, and all he really says is,

i just want you back!!!!!

[Healing]

I'm sorry you have to deal with your baby's birthday, Angie. I'm sending you a big hug.

 

What about inviting your husband to join SA and come on over the Family Forum and we'll give *him* lots of support and also try to help him understand what's going on with you.

 

Be sure to tell him I said that *he* deserves a lot of support and admiration, too. Although he has not worn the helmet, he *has* been through his own hard time being in proximity to AD w/d. It is a misery for everyone involved. If he felt supported by us, it might be easier for him to support you.

[angie007]

Hi Guys please help,

 

My future son in law just visited my home with his friend,

and my youngest grandaughter, to deliver wedding invitations.

You would not believe the intensity of nervousness i felt, they

stayed for a quick cuppa, then left.

 

What the hell is going on me with me???

Im off Seroxat 10 days now, and if im like that around just a few people

how the heck am i going to manage my daughters wedding.

 

Anyone else had this?????

How do we cope with it????

And how long does it last???????

[compsports]

Hi Guys please help,

 

My future son in law just visited my home with his friend,

and my youngest grandaughter, to deliver wedding invitations.

You would not believe the intensity of nervousness i felt, they

stayed for a quick cuppa, then left.

 

What the hell is going on me with me???

Im off Seroxat 10 days now, and if im like that around just a few people

how the heck am i going to manage my daughters wedding.

 

Anyone else had this?????

How do we cope with it????

And how long does it last???????

 

Hi Angie,

 

Can you clarify what you mean by nervousness? For example, I used to wake up in the middle of the night with my heart beating really fast.

 

Is it that or something else?

 

I am sorry you're dealing with this.

 

CS

[Altostrata]

angie, that's so sweet of your husband.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling so sick.

 

Yes, please get a nice soft sleep mask to block out the early morning light, and even blackout curtains to put on top of the shades. If you can sleep more, it will help you recover.

[angie007]

Hi Comp,

 

No, its more nervous anxiety, a very uncomfortable restless feeling,

its horrible, and so unlike me.

[compsports]

Hi Comp,

 

No, its more nervous anxiety, a very uncomfortable restless feeling,

its horrible, and so unlike me.

 

Hi Angie,

 

A former co-worker taught me this trick when I experienced anxiety in the middle of the night for no reason.

 

Lie on your right side and hold the position for a few minutes. I know this sounds ridiculous but it really helped.

 

Of course, excusing yourself to do this while you have company might be tough. But could you try it before they came over?

 

Taking walks helps with my anxiety. Would something like that help or not?

 

If you need to take something, I have found the Women's anti stress formula that Surviving talked about in another thread for sleep helpful. I don't take these unless I have exhausted every other possibility but it is good thing to have on hand for those dire situations.

 

It is hard to say how long it will last since nothing about WD makes any sense whatsoever.

 

CS

[angie007]

Hey comp,

what is this stuff, i couldnt find the link for it here,

maybe..... this stuff might get me through these weddings??/

I detest the thought of having to take a benzo to see your

daughters married, when this is so not the person i used to be.

 

Anyway, i will also try your method too, although,

it may just have been one of those "nervy days" as today i had visitors

again and handled it far better.

 

11 days off here, and just today, feel so far away from the person i used to be,

although i have done some chores in the house, had a bath and taken my first

walk, how amazingly different things look with paxil yippeeee.

After that first walk i am now tired lol, so off for a rest with my book,

hope this fatigue passes soon too.

[angie007]

OOOPS, i mean WITHOUT the dreaded paxil poison, sorry

[angie007]

Well guys,

 

My 11th day free of paxil saw a wonderful day!!!!!! yippeeeee,

No symptoms, no nothing, pottered around, did a few little jobs i had to do

around the house, went into the garden and sat with a cuppa, had a bath and went

for my FIRST walk, i cannot believe just how vibrant everything looks,

the grass so green, the sky so blue, the sun shining, the birds singing,

it was lovely, i wasnt out long though, as i felt pretty fatigued after.

 

So have spent the afternoon on my bed, relaxing with a book and my laptop,

so happy that i experienced this, i was so in need of a break.

 

It seems almost surreal to be honest,and if im honest, i feel very weird,

i guess because its been so long since ive experienced " normal" do you think??

Have others experinced this too??

By the way, after my awful day yestrday with my jangly nervousness,

i had my other son in law over with the 3 grandchildren this morning,

and handled that just fine - no nervousness at all - how odd all of this is.

I really dont want today to end, this feeling of normality started at 9pm night,

and it is now 7.10pm - what a lovely day, would be interested to know, as i feel pretty

normal, why i feel weird about it.

[Altostrata]

That's great, angie. Hang on to this knowledge: Your nervous system is repairing itself.

[angie007]

Nervous system repair, is that wh\t the odd weird feeling is?

 

It was very much the odd feeling you have if you have been in hlospital for any length of

time and they let you out to go home, that sort of strangeness.

Having said that, its been far too long since i went out, thanks

to the awful symptoms, maybe thats part of the reason too.

 

Anyway it was lovely, just hope its not the calm before the storm lol.

[angie007]

Well yesterday ended very well, and i slept soundly all night.

 

Woke this morning to yet another better day -

but it was ruined by the fact that i recieved an email by someone who informed me

that i was at the "stage" for the worst of this to kick in.

What she told me instilled " this fear" into me.

I know nothing about her, only that she didnt slow taperm and she was on a very high dose

75mg, so dont even know what her initial reason for taking the drug was.

And i have to remember that, to be able to "enjoy" my better day.

[Rhiannon]

Well yesterday ended very well, and i slept soundly all night.

 

Woke this morning to yet another better day -

but it was ruined by the fact that i recieved an email by someone who informed me

that i was at the "stage" for the worst of this to kick in.

What she told me instilled " this fear" into me.

I know nothing about her, only that she didnt slow taperm and she was on a very high dose

75mg, so dont even know what her initial reason for taking the drug was.

And i have to remember that, to be able to "enjoy" my better day.

 

A long, slow taper from 20 mg is very, very different from a rapid taper from 75 mg!

 

I have known people in the benzo forum who tapered very slowly and had almost no withdrawal at all after they finally finished their tapers, maybe a month or so of mild ups and downs, and then very rapid recovery and returning to normal life. You have done such a slow and sensible taper I think the odds are very good that you will have an excellent recovery.

 

And well-deserved!

 

And you inspire me, when I find myself thinking my taper is too slow. It may be slow but hopefully there will be healing all the way down. I want to be able to think of myself as healing even though I am still taking these awful poisons.

 

Anyway, I am so happy to hear how well you are feeling. And I think you have every reason to expect to feel this way much more often. Yes, there may be ups and downs, but I think you have a very good chance of having more and more ups and fewer and fewer downs now.

[angie007]

Thankyou Rhi,

 

What a lovely thing to say, i really hope so too.

 

Well today day 13, woke up feeling like id slept in the toxic waste dump yet again, and thought

here we go again, its back!!!!

Happy to report it didnt hang around too long, and i was able to have another reasonably

good day.

 

Wouldnt it be wonderful to wake up after sleeping well, to feel " normal" healthy and happy,

wow, i hardly recall what that feels like, its been so long, but one thing is for sure,

that after this experience i will never again, take the simple things in life for granted.

 

But for now;- im happy, im getting a little break, i craved a rest from it all after such a

long time, it was wearing me down badly, hm, just so everyone knows, its not at all symptom free,

but symptoms are very much more tolerable, in fact some days hardly apparent, and for that im

so very very grateful.

 

Does anyone here know what causes " disasociation",

Spoke with my doctor this morning, he told me this is what i was trying

to explain, when i went for my first walk after paxil use on sunday

[Altostrata]

....

Does anyone here know what causes " disasociation",

Spoke with my doctor this morning, he told me this is what i was trying

to explain, when i went for my first walk after paxil use on sunday

 

Did you feel like you were behind a glass?

 

This is because your nervous system is not entirely normal. It will still be sending out green shoots for quite a while.

 

angie, there still may be some ups and downs -- don't panic when you have down days -- but no reason to expect the worst. Don't worry, and give your nervous system the extra nourishment of gratitude when you're feeling good.

[angie007]

Hi Sur,

 

No, not behind a glass, its difficult to describe,

i was out walking with my husband, it was only a short walk, the best i could manage to be honest,

after my week of paxil flu and nausea.

Anyway as i was walking i noticed just how vibrant everything looked, grass was greener than i remember,

sky was really blue, the sun was shining, and its a first i didnt feel the need to put my sun glasses on,

because of light sensitivity that occurred during my taper and wd.

 

As i was walking i was noticing everything around me with so much more clarity, it all looked very real,

it was ME that didnt feel real, and wether its because i havent been out in some time im not sure,

but the only way i can try to describe it is,

imagine being in hospital for any length of time, that feeling you get, when you leave there to go home,

im not sure what this feeling is called, but i do remember feeling it before, when i had my children

and went home from the hospital, it was more an unfamiliar, strange feeling.

Thats the truest description i can give, if anyone can relate and tell me just exactly what this feeling is called,

its sort of bugging me now, although i know its nothing serious, if i ever experience this again, then i wont have to go

through all of this to explain lol. My doctor termed it disasociation, not sure if that is the correct term for what im

trying to describe though.

[Altostrata]

I know it's hard to describe.

 

Feelings of unreality are attributed to dissociation.

 

It will gradually get better.

 

(If you've been sensitive to light, it might be a good idea to wear sunglasses anyway for a while, to avoid stirring up old symptoms.)

[angie007]

Thanks Sur,

 

Thats what my doc said too, he also said its very common in wd,

and yes i will think twice about wearing those sunglasses now,

i want to give my mind and body the time it needs to heal,

not stress it out any further.

 

Thankyou

[angie007]

Hi Guys,

 

17days ago i came off paxil after an extremely slow taper of 56months,

i had paxil flu and nausea starting at 3days off, then just as i thought

that had gone away i got hit with fatigue, which seems to be lingering,

although i do get up and do what i can, when i feel up to it.

 

Yesterday i had a depressive episode ( well according to the other side, manic lol)

that was the last straw, and i consequently deleted my account, as i had NO highs,

just feeling low, crying, worthless, hopelessness. That passed at lunchtime and the rest

of the day passed uneventfully.

 

Today woke early (4.30 am) ugh, this passed too, as i kept busy doing jobs etc around the house,

although my head felt a little foggy this morning too, almost as if i wasonly running on

one brain cell almost, anyway, then i got hit with an adrenaline rush, which made me feel anxious,

and gave me some feelings of faintness if im honest.

That had me running to my bed, as i felt a bit wiped out and teary afterwards.

 

Now, i really would like to know if all of this sounds "normal" for early wd, as i really

would like to be doing more in the way of going out, and getting back t some sort of normal

life, im so tired of having to spend most of my afternoons in bed.

So, should i push myself to do more??? or should i just go with how i feel, ( im assuming here that this is normal)

As im concerned about pushing myself too far and hindering my recovery.

 

i want to go out and drive my car, but cant with a foggy head/and dizzy light headed feelings.

I need to get out and choose outfits for my daughters weddings, i am just being held back by the way im feeling.

What can i do about these anxious feelings??? from the adrenalin rushes??? do they go away eventually?? or do i now have an anxiety

issue to deal with too???

I seem to be ok in myself until the afternoons, then i start feeling weary/fatigued, that normal for 17days out too??

 

Like i say, i just need a hand to hold and some reassurance that what i am experiencing is normal for coming off paxil,

or does anyone here think im expecting too much, too soon?????

Thankyou

[Altostrata]

Hi, angie --

 

I moved your post here because it's more of an update rather than a question about a specific symptom.

 

Having waves of melancholia -- I called them the black holes -- and weepiness is common in early withdrawal.

 

You're right, it is very far from mania.

 

You are having various symptoms that come and go, that's normal, too. Please focus on the big windows you're having. This is a sign that your nervous system is knitting together again.