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Trouble with not letting myself have fun?


Liam
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With a lot of things, I have to have everything in my life a certain way, or I get annoyed or stressed out. Because of my medication experience, this has started happening with my leisure time every now and then, out of all things.

 

I won't want to watch a movie because... What if it's not as fun/thrilling/sad/funny/scary (depending on the movie) to me as it would be if I wasn't on any medication right now?

 

I won't want to be with friends because... What if I'm not as fun to be around as I would be if I wasn't taking any meds right now?

 

I won't want to listen to new music because... Would this music be more enjoyable if I wasn't taking any meds right now? Would I find it less boring than I do right now?

 

All of these scenarios have happened at least once, all because I have been in a depressive state when they happened. (Not finding one of my favorite movies entertaining; being noticeably boring around my closest friends; listening to new music and judging it as boring or dumb then happening upon it months later and liking it a lot, and not knowing how I ever could have disliked it.) Although I am not in these dull states where I lack some personality and emotions very often, I actually avoid having any fun at all when I am especially down, just to prevent scenarios like these from occurring. Because life is all about enjoying what you love doing, and when I'm in a state when I can't enjoy anything, it ruins my favorite activities for me! Unfortunately, in completely avoiding things that could make me feel better when I'm upset, I only get more upset because I'm not doing anything to make myself feel better.

 

Does any of that make sense past my irrational thought process? :huh: Has anyone else had to deal with this and/or found a way to cope with it?

 

History (Feb. 2012-Present): Lexapro, Zoloft, Abilify, Abilify+Lamictal, Lamictal, Lamictal+Lithium, Lamictal+Seroquel, Lamictal+Zoloft, Lamictal, Lamictal+Focalin XR, Lamictal+Focalin IR (current)

 

Quitting both my remaining drugs (not cold turkey!).

 

Lamictal taper:

Summer 2012-4/19/13: 100mg (titrated as 25, 50, 100)

4/20/13: 50mg

5/4/13: 25mg

 

"Love because of imperfections, not in spite of them."

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I relate to this very much but have not thought it out as thoroughly as you described. The one that resonates with me is wanting to be with people but afraid of not being engaged or fun and then avoiding being with anyone. Then guilt plays in if I avoid certain obligations..

If I feel at all under the weather, it takes far too much energy to be *on* and interact with people. Just carrying on conversation is exhausting.

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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If you are depressed, and, because of that, stay away from people, you will get more depressed. When faced with two alternatives, always choose the healthier one. Hudgens

Sept 12th 1992-began taking Imipramine (50mgs) for panic attacks.

Stopped Imipramine after 4 months (cold turkey).

7 months later experienced "mysterious" bad flu-like symptoms, although, without upper respiratory problems or fever. Because of this and a day of panic attacks, was put on Prozac (20mgs?) for 2 months and then, when that didn't work-was put back on  Imipramine,  plus Xanax 1 mg (4Xdaily)-October 1993.

March 1999-switched from Imipramine (50mgs) to Celexa.

2008-switched to Pristiq for 3 months, then back to Effexor XR (after bad reaction to the Pristiq).

Sept 1st 2010-Switched from Effexor XR (75mgs) to Effexor Generic (solid form) in preparation for taper.

Nov 15th 2010-Began tapering from 75mgs Effexor Generic.

January 13th 2014-.06mgs

April 17th 2014-      .03mgs

May 11th 2014-       .02mgs

Ended taper October 31st 2014

Oct 4th 2015-11 months post taper and completely back to normal!

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