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☼ Cymbaltawithdrawal5600: Introduction


cymbaltawithdrawal5600

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While driving my very silent mother to the doc this morning, I had CD's of my favorite tunes playing. Mine are singles of mostly songs from 50s 60s, ballad type stuff that I mostly know all the words. I am loudly singing along, and during a couple of them I had a weird bubble of emotion come up from my chest and then out (poor description). My throat choked up and I got tears in my eyes but I had NO THOUGHTS. They came afterwards. I just kept breathing and I eventually calmed down.

 

Later, I made an unscheduled stop to see someone I work for. I had completely forgotten our appointment the day before and she never called me. Let's just say that there was a great deal of noise and upset at my arrival. I had to turn around and walk out. I do not know if this will be a story I can write about. It can get really scary when I start to think about 'how will I be able to support myself?' I am just concentrating on 'right now', the present moment.

 

While thinking about the music thing, I thought I'd put something out there that some may or may not know about. If your public library belongs to the 'Freegal Music Service' (http://freegalmusic.com/homes/aboutus), you can download 4 mp3s a week. FOR FREE. I was shocked at the variety of stuff you can get!

 

My mom has not said more than 5 words to me since yesterday and she is not clomping around acting all mad and hurt and stuff. (Neither am I). My 'thoughts' are trying to sneak in and wreak havoc with my 'mind', but I am just breathing, going on about my day, and letting her 'be'.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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I just had a 'real world' experience of what this means:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/622-surviving-antidepressants-on-facebook-twitter/

 

I feel like having every post I've ever made in those topics erased by staff.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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Warning: this is a 'crazypost'.

 

I was reading on a site, I think it was about 'spiritual teachers', who are EVERYWHERE now, thanks to the internet.

 

One person refers to himself as a 'Stand-Up Philosopher'. (I have no idea what image pops up in your head, but mine envisions a guy on a stage throwing out 'philosophy one-liners' ala George Carlin or Steven Wright. This is Steven: "All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.")

 

So I wake up this morning, log on and see what I wrote in the wee hours of the morning about how some of my comments might be visible via Faceb00k (I freaked) and start thinking this:

 

  Mom said less than 5 words to me yesterday. This has been like this for months.

 

  I think I may have done something stupid yesterday that cost me a job I have had for 5 years.

 

  I think I caught a 'snark' when I tried to buy a chair yesterday.

 

These are things that happened in the PAST, not today, and I woke up still thinking about them.

 

I log on to SA and start reading. An image pops into my head:

 

A 'Stand-Up' Antidepressant Withdrawal Comic: "OH GOD! MY ANHEDONIA IS KILLLLLLLLLLING MEEEEEEEE!"

 

I have never said I wasn't crazy.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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Alrighty then! My 'craft saga' is done. I used the sweetsoutherndrawl lady for 'market research' and got a LOT of my questions answered. I can DO (or NOT DO) anything I want but now I will be able to do it with 'clarity'. The whole range between giving it up, 'hoarding' it, selling it, wearing it, giving it away. Including making it into my 'ministry'. I can make stuff, give it to the thrift store, let someone buy it from them, and then THEY help others. The SSD lady might have a difficult time, tho. She seems to want to buy the all the stuff made with crystal beads..........

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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When I stopped all of the supplements (because I calculated that the excess vit D in them might be causing my heart to palpitate), I figured it might go back to normal. Well, it has and it hasn't. There has been a thought gnawing on me and that thought is: could it be a mechanical problem? Specifically, sometimes when I sit for long periods in my easy chair, my heart acts up. Actually, my whole body feels like my chair is trying to kill it.

 

So in today's search I entered 'bad posture causes palpitations' and was surprised at the results that came back. The first thing I am researching is the link between posture and 'diaphragmatic breathing' and magnesium levels and co2 buildup from this link: http://www.normalbreathing.com/learn-8-diaphragmatic-breathing.php

 

Mind you, I am just starting my research. So far, all I know is I definitely have to get out of that chair. But searching for substitute seating arrangement is difficult. Let's just say, desks and chairs are not made with a 5'3" frame in mind.

 

So I am starting with a chair I bought long ago, a type of bar stool, adjustable height with no back. And for a desk: a large, high, drop-leaf crafting table. My back is killing me!!!!! I have to train my back muscles away from 63 years of slouching. So I will sit in the backless chair as long as I can, rest up in the recliner for a bit, take ibuprofen for the pain, and learn diaphragmatic breathing. Have no idea if I am on the right track. I may also start taking my powdered magnesium again, not sure. Just the different sitting position has my heart ka-whomping like crazy.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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Three years ago last month I had my last cigarette, I switched to electronic 'vaping' instead. I decreased the nicotine content of my liquid from 11 mg/ml to 6mg a month ago, thinking that the nicotine might be making my heart palpitate more. Of course I really couldn't tell if it helped because around that time I had the upset with the vitamin D. So today, I ordered 0 mg (no nicotine, just flavor). I was looking on the main forum for all things having to do with vaping (e-cigaretteforum.com) to find a supplier for my batteries, which are not keeping their charge very long anymore. None of my stores here in town carry what I need, so I have to get them online. I get my liquid online because it is way cheaper. On their main page they have a link to a story in the news: Canton MA is going to be the first city in the U.S. to ban the sale of electronic cigarettes. NOT cigarettes, they're safe from any ban. There is also a link to a just released study stating ecig vapor poses minimal risks to vapers and bystanders.

 

To say that I am mystified is an understatement. Surprised? No. The idiotic reasoning of 'government' is beyond my comprehension.

 

My mom even switched to ecigs. Never thought THAT would happen.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

 It is nice that you enjoy my posts but you do realize, don't you, that I am not really writing to the audience of SA? I am writing to save my own life.

 

Thank you for clarifying that, I'm really glad that it helps to have this forum here where you can express yourself.  My brain is really messed up at the moment so I'm not even going to try to write more.

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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Petu,

 

My mind is way beyond 'messed up' right now. I couldn't for the life of me remember why I wrote what you quoted. I just now noticed that 'quotes' have the date and time of their origin. Duh! But in reading back to find it, I am struck by how little sense my writing makes to me and I wrote the stuff! There is no good reason for me to continue posting here at SA. I have no physical symptoms, I am not taking any meds, I don't 'feel' depressed. I am trying to change to 'thinking' and behavior problems that I have had all of my life so I DON'T get depressed again. It just occurred to me that I am getting a boost to my already overly large ego at times and at other times relief that what I am going through does not mean that I am crazy, others have had that happen too. I do not think it is appropriate to continue to post my 'inner transformation' experiences. I need to shut up about it.

 

I do not completely understand the urge I have to log on, read posts in other threads, check my thread for responses, and then write stuff. When I have occasion to read some of it again, I am struck by how nonsensical it is and inappropriate for this forum.

 

I fear it is an 'ego' thing. I do not like that one bit.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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GiaK wrote a post today about what I am doing that is having such profound effects in 'me'. She links to her story about 'meditation':

 

http://beyondmeds.com/2012/05/20/meditation-3/

 

That is the 'pill' I am taking several times a day. And then I write about what happens when I do it and I have been writing within the 'framework' of SA for some stupid reason. I don't need to do that anymore.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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Searching for information on 'what to do' and 'how do I do it' or 'what is the BEST way to do it' (because I don't want to waste any time doing it the 'wrong' way, you see) is like looking for a needle in a (hay)stack of needles, to paraphrase a quote from Ziva in NCIS. Especially if I use the internet.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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But there are occasional gems I find via the internet.

 

A short while ago I wrote that I skidded face first into a 'wave'. One thing that happened was that I completely lost my appetite. When I thought about just that single 'symptom' I kept having THIS thought: 'my body does not like what I am giving it'.

 

While trying to figure out WHY I kept having that thought, I just began to do what I thought it was 'telling' me. I stopped 'giving my body' what I thought were the 'right' things and my appetite came back (gradually). I just waited for a sign to eat something (trying not to PANIC), went to the store and bought what I WANTED to eat. I ate what I was hungry for: magic shell on ice cream, store bought fish sticks with tartar sauce. NOT salads, almonds, ricotta cheese and plain yoghurt and supplements.

 

I am curious about those sorts of 'thoughts' and what they might mean. Somehow I landed on Robert Master's site and found something interesting:

 

(Oh heck, I'll just use the link: http://robertmasters.com/writings/the-anatomy-of-intuition/ because I have a tendency to TALK too much)

 

Good old intuition. I forgot that was you, sweetie, you brought me to SA.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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I think I may look at that link later. Regarding the crying and stuff earlier this week, I've had it too. And even my non med friends are feeling bad this week. It's like a universally bad week. *hugs*

I am off of all meds as of May 20th, 2013, after 5 weeks on Zoloft and a 4 week taper. Still experiencing: moderate anhedonia & PSSD, I am otherwise mostly healed. 

 

2.1 years off of medication. 

 

"If I walk away, don't hate me. I've got to see where the pain will take me.

 

I found no angels...I found myself."

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Thanks SuperTheelt, and a hug right back atcha!

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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I am so proud of myself! I just learned how to use a new feature of this board.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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Ok, scratch that. It doesn't do what I thought it would.

 

Today took an interesting turn - the dog I am sitting this weekend is getting sick. I'll take her to the vet in the morning but it is getting through the night that I worry about. She's got blood at her bum and if it gets worse before the morn, I might have to make the call to take her to an after hours vet. They are very expensive and I do not know if they require cash. [insert worried emoticon here]

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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Please read GiaK's post today: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4774-community-mental-health-in-times-of-crisis-httpwpmep5nnb-9d2/#entry59964

 

For some of us, and during some moments, SA is is the only support we have.

 

I am going to start 'rating' topics. For what it's worth.......

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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Gee, today (or rather right now) I feel like I should be wearing a sign that says: 'Place 10 foot pole here'. Time to stop reading posts on SA (and thinking what I would LIKE to post in some threads) and just practice sitting in my chair, the one without a backrest. My back hurt so bad yesterday that I decided to do something that I always used to be able to do: bend from the waist, let my spine 'un-compress'. Some nerve in my mid-back screamed out in pain when I tried to stand upright. Spent half an hour trying to get into bed so I could lay down. Walking around, bent at the waist, inching myself onto the bed using only my fingers.

 

I am not having any fun right now. Well, some parts of me, anyway. Other parts are having the time of their life!!!!!

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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I have a new chair and it is comfortable (for now). I have been sitting here staring out the window and it occurred to me that I have absolutely no clue about what to do with the 'rest of my life'. I have 'things' to get done, and they will get done later rather than sooner. I am not unhappy with my life as it is now except for the messy house. I'd like to jump into it and go full blast, every waking minute and just get it done but I just can't do it.

 

And I cannot figure out what to with this post because I don't want to finish writing it. Why did I even start it?

 

Have a great day everyone!

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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About a year after my dad died and my mom moved to FL and we combined our houses, we got a phone call from a detective in California telling us that my sister was dead. She either killed herself or her husband shot her. As far as I know, the case has never been resolved. She had long ago stopped talking to us.

 

It is two o'clock in the morning, I woke up thinking about suicide. About how you can get so tired of living that you just want everything to get to the end already. It is going to end up there anyway, right? I wasn't thinking about suicide when I started that post above. But then there was another fight with my mom, and my neck ached. I got to thinking that I was so tired of even just holding my head up. day after day after day.

 

My mother plays 'games'. Manipulative games. I am sick of her games. And I am sick of myself. I must be playing games too or else how could I say something about her if I wasn't the same way myself?

 

these dark nights of the soul are a *****.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Big squishy Mamma hug flying your way. I'm sorry you are feeling bad today.  :(

XXXXX

**I am not a medical professional, if in doubt please consult a doctor with withdrawal knowledge.

 

 

Different drugs occasionally (mostly benzos) 1976 - 1981 (no problem)

1993 - 2002 in and out of hospital. every type of drug + ECT. Staring with seroxat

2002  effexor. 

Tapered  March 2012 to March 2013, ending with 5 beads.

Withdrawal April 2013 . Reinstated 5 beads reduced to 4 beads May 2013

Restarted taper  Nov 2013  

OFF EFFEXOR Feb 2015    :D 

Tapered atenolol and omeprazole Dec 2013 - May 2014

 

Tapering tramadol, Feb 2015 100mg , March 2015 50mg  

 July 2017 30mg.  May 15 2018 25mg

Taking fish oil, magnesium, B12, folic acid, bilberry eyebright for eye pressure. 

 

My story http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4199-hello-mammap-checking-in/page-33

 

Lesson learned, slow down taper at lower doses. Taper no more than 10% of CURRENT dose if possible

 

 

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Hi mammaP! Thanks for the hug sweetie! I am composing a post that explains more of what is going on..... or rather, more of what I DIDN'T say.

 

I do this sometimes: I view the 'online' list. It shows who is reading what at a particular point in time. For instance, this morning it showed that mammaP was viewing my thread. It also shows guests and the topics they are viewing and which threads the search engines are indexing. Sometimes a thread catches my eye and I go investigate.

 

I read a thread yesterday about a person on another support board who committed suicide. They said she always sounded upbeat and positive and that they thought her life was improving. On the whole, I feel my life is improving and strangers would tell you I sound upbeat and happy. My few girlfriends see a different side.

 

In the aftermath of yesterday's argument with my mom, the suicide thought flashed into my mind. Luckily for me, I did some reading that kinda explains the 'where' and 'why' of those thoughts and what to do when they come. But I could SEE how someone who everybody thought was improving could do such a thing. Some of us get so bone tired of things 'always' being the way they are and feel 'trapped' in our life circumstances, unable to change anything without thinking that doing so will make things that are going ok, worse. Dark night of the soul.

 

We don't grow, in the things that really matter, unless we are slammed up against the wall. All that 'change comes from within' garbage comes to mind. 'When you change yourself, your relationships change around you'. Well, I can't tell if that is true because it hasn't happened yet. I am at the part where I SEE mom's manipulative games. I 'intuit' the progression (if I continue to 'grow spiritually') as this: I see the games but don't take them personally, to 'I don't see them as games anymore' (they are just her patterns of behavior and they don't upset me) and all the way to 'oneness' with all human beings, including her.

 

How can life suck and be so full of promise at the same time?

 

(Oh hey! I play games too. I learned from the 'masters', my mom and dad and sister. I try not to, but I am sure I do).

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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For those of you suffering 'anhedonia', don't read this post. And do not ask me about it. I'm the one who posted that cartoon about 'nobody on the internet knows you are a dog'.

 

For some odd reason, I decided to check back on a thread I used to read (not here). I wanted to see how the person was doing after taking (what it seemed) was every drug, supplement, food, etc., on the planet and who then decided on a course of treatment that is coming back into vogue again. His chief complaint? Anhedonia.

 

He now says this:

 

 

I believe that I may have found a cure for major depressive disorder - I will begin a research project/paper immediately.

 

Excuse me if I say: "I don't think so".

 

I have GOT to stay off the internet!

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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My thinking/feeling states do not stay put long enough for me to be able to put a NAME to them, let alone figure out what, if anything, I should DO. What is the precise word for the feeling 'I am tired of living'? Such as: I am tired of holding my head up, all the way to: I am tired of 'everything' I can think of. It is not 'anhedonia' as I understand it, it is something more.

 

When I found myself having thoughts like this in the past, I attributed them to 'suicidal ideation' as a function of 'depression' and went and got myself medicated. Now? I don't know and I don't know what to really do except wait and 'hope' for better days to come.

 

And I want to know, I mean really know, if better days will indeed come. I want an answer, you see, and I want it right now. And I want the exact right answer about the exact right thing to DO right now so that I can fix this. RIGHT NOW. I will not accept anything less.

 

The 'dark night of the soul' is spilling over into my days too.

 

One of my sweet friends posted a link to a video this morning (see 'light therapy').  I had only one item on my 'bucket list' and that video nailed it.

 

Am I done? The fact that I am still 'breathing' says I am not. And I have just a teensy bit of 'hope'. I guess that will have to do, for now.

 

This morning's reading: Wiki entry on Immanuel Kant.

 

 

“Enlightenment is man’s emergence from his self-incurred immaturity.” He argues that the immaturity is self-inflicted not from a lack of understanding, but from the lack of courage to use one’s reason, intellect, and wisdom without the guidance of another.

 

That's my emphasis, there in bold red.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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I collect 'stories'. I added one to my collection this morning.

 

Got up way too early this morning and drove to the convenience store to get coffee. Oh! Same guy is there, haven't seen him for months. I commented on his hair color. Then I asked "I wonder if there are any enlightened beings working at 'X' stores"? He said he was sure there were (somewhere) but he knew of one person (the way he said it was: the only enlightened person in our geographical area) who has since left. He used to just 'know' when he (the clerk) was having a bad day (angry) and would come swooping up on his motorcycle, burst in and ask 'What's the matter?" (This is graveyard, remember). He called the guy a 'Child of the Wind' and said you'd never pay him any mind because he looked shabby or something.

 

He said that before the guy left the area for good, he offered the clerk his house. Did you take it, I asked? Nope. "I couldn't just take something of value like that", he said. I am still puzzling that one over.

 

Oh goodie! I got back here just in time to add something to my post (on an unrelated matter). Don't want to see my 'post count' go up, dontcha know?

 

So I am looking for a way to deal with ANTS in my house. And I come across this:

 

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/florida/features/2013/oh_florida/florida_fun_facts_carabelle_cassadega_alligators_furries_crime_and_corruption.html

 

I always knew Florida was 'weird'. How weird, I had no clue.........

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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After reading GiaK's post about Dr. Shipko's letter yesterday, I am losing hope.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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And now my computer won't 'post' the above post...... I give up.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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Good thing I did a copy and paste:

 

 

After reading GiaK's post about Dr. Shipko's letter yesterday, I am losing hope.

 

And now I am reading her post on 'unhappiness' on MIA:

 

This catches my eye:

 

In my mind there is no compelling reason to take drugs in most instances of acute despair, either. Despair is generally there for a reason. And if we are given the space to delve into it we can learn a lot from the experience.

 

When all I have is the internet and SA for my 'doctors' and medications do not seem like they are a good idea anymore, how do I heal my despair?

 

How do I heal myself? How do I heal myself?

 

I am not fighting any 'physical' demons right now, my body feels ok. All of my stuff is mental and emotional. I went cold turkey off high doses of 2 very dangerous drugs that I took for over 5 years. When is the ax going to fall?

 

I am practicing medicine without a license. Even those who DO have a license don't always seem to do a good job. But I went to them in good faith and dutifully did what they told me and I am back where I started. I was only trying to 'help' myself when I attempted to learn meditation and breathing techniques long ago. Ended up in either a 'spiritual crisis' or a disabling 'depression', which one? I am 'doing' meditation again, albeit in a different 'form'. Another link from GiaK's site explained that there are DANGERS in what I am doing (from this link http://alohadharma.wordpress.com/2013/07/23/the-refugees-of-mindfulness-rethinking-psychologys-experiment-with-meditation/):

 

In reality, difficult experiences in meditation, ones that are remarkably similar to the symptoms of many mood disorders

 

You have to read the whole thing to get a feel for what I think I am going through...I didn't even know what it was till I remembered that my 'unconscious' actually wrote the words a few posts ago 'dark night of the soul'.

 

What's the cure for THAT? Waiting for time to pass. Don't do anything 'drastic' and wait wait wait

 

I just figured out the source of the mysterious computer glitch I've had before. Nothing 'mystical' about it.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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Had a little crying spell just now. Sitting here thinking, just trying to apply a little 'mindfulness', staring out the window. And then I start seeing more of the ants that have been getting inside the house. Just the enormity of finding out what KIND they are and what I should do, reduced me to tears of despair.

 

It is funny, the things one person is reduced to tears and despair over, another just 'takes it in stride' or goes off on a crusade about. Remember Bill Murray's character in "Groundhog Day"?

 

If I had enough energy I'd do a groundhog day on those ants.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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Thank you for posting the links (above).  I found the maps in the 'path' section to be helpful, recognized some things I've been through and am still experiencing.

 

I'm also feeling helpless, hopeless, overwhelmed, confused, sad etc.  Seeing it as 'only' withdrawal or 'only' depression/anxiety makes me feel even worse, like a victim.  But having an alternative, more positive context, doesn't reduce the suffering, but it gives it meaning and something to hope for.

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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i have been feeling completely awful (emotionally and mentally) since the 2 fights with my mom. I am having suicidal thoughts. But let me try to make a distinction here about what I mean.

 

Feel hopeless and helpless, tired of living, yada yada. Coinciding with those 'thought streams' is another stream: why am I having those thoughts? Why, when the going gets rough (as it does sometimes) do I automatically think I would like to be dead? I have no active plans, just the wish that all of this was 'over'. Why not a fight to survive?

 

I have an 'intuition' that this is happening right now because it is a side effect of 'meditation'. But knowing that it 'might be' is not taking the thoughts and feelings away.

 

(Nikki, the heat is really getting to me too)

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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i have been feeling completely awful (emotionally and mentally) since the 2 fights with my mom. I am having suicidal thoughts. But let me try to make a distinction here about what I mean.

 

Feel hopeless and helpless, tired of living, yada yada. Coinciding with those 'thought streams' is another stream: why am I having those thoughts? Why, when the going gets rough (as it does sometimes) do I automatically think I would like to be dead? I have no active plans, just the wish that all of this was 'over'. Why not a fight to survive?

 

I have an 'intuition' that this is happening right now because it is a side effect of 'meditation'. But knowing that it 'might be' is not taking the thoughts and feelings away.

 

(Nikki, the heat is really getting to me too)

I know and feel exactly the same right now. This morning I felt the same and thought the same thoughts! My thoughts go toward wanting to be dead

too. Not particularly planning but craving the peace it would bring.  Tired of living through pain and stress.  Then the wave passes but while it is there washing over me I feel in despair. I keep reminding myself that is what it is, a wave and it will pass. Yours will too, we'll ride the waves together like a couple of surfer chicks  :)

**I am not a medical professional, if in doubt please consult a doctor with withdrawal knowledge.

 

 

Different drugs occasionally (mostly benzos) 1976 - 1981 (no problem)

1993 - 2002 in and out of hospital. every type of drug + ECT. Staring with seroxat

2002  effexor. 

Tapered  March 2012 to March 2013, ending with 5 beads.

Withdrawal April 2013 . Reinstated 5 beads reduced to 4 beads May 2013

Restarted taper  Nov 2013  

OFF EFFEXOR Feb 2015    :D 

Tapered atenolol and omeprazole Dec 2013 - May 2014

 

Tapering tramadol, Feb 2015 100mg , March 2015 50mg  

 July 2017 30mg.  May 15 2018 25mg

Taking fish oil, magnesium, B12, folic acid, bilberry eyebright for eye pressure. 

 

My story http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4199-hello-mammap-checking-in/page-33

 

Lesson learned, slow down taper at lower doses. Taper no more than 10% of CURRENT dose if possible

 

 

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mammaP, I can always count on you to bring a laugh and a smile to my face! Surfer chicks indeed!

 

I just cannot figure out how I can feel so incredibly bad and yet still be alive. Funny thing is that yes, it does feel like a wave of intense feeling and keeps coming and coming. I cry as if my heart is breaking and then it subsides. But why is it happening? That's what has me mystified.....

 

I never remember feeling like this in a deep depression. When it happened years ago, when it reached a certain point, I felt as if I suddenly woke up to what was happening and went off to the doc and got medication. But I don't want medication now. It is like I am just letting it come and watching and feeling it, waiting to see if 'feeling' it will kill me.

 

So what has me mystified is that at certain times, over the past few days, I have been able to step outside of it for a moment and 'feel' so delightful.

 

Eskimos have how many words for 'snow'? People who suffer from pains of the psyche have how many words to describe the nuances of feeling in their inner worlds?

 

I am not totally convinced that 'dead' would give me peace......in fact I 'know' it wouldn't.

 

I am still reading and listening to Tolle....... using his words like a stick to poke that beast inside me.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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It's anger. Everywhere I turn it's white-hot anger. Tried to clean up a bit of the house - can't put this away because THAT is in the way. I want to run away from home, I do not want to be here. I get angry and then I cry. back and forth. it is not doing any good trying to get it out in a post. how much worse can this get? I don't have any physical symptoms to fight against,

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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it is very hard for me to admit that it is not me, it's my mom. mom is flat out not very nice to me, at all. she has been trying to get me to fight with her, start an argument so she wail about how bad she has it , that everything is my fault. well, it is not. she's acting toward me the same way she acted toward my father. She does not know any other way to be. i'm sorry to say this, but I really cannot wait for her to die. she is mean and says hurtful things. I don't need this crap.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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during another argument yesterday I pointed out to my mom that for the first time, a couple of days ago, I realized she had been goading me, acting in such a way as to INCREASE my anger. when i said this to her yesterday she began nodding her head in furious agreement. i don't understand why, except as to put it in the frame of reference as to 'that is how she always acted', especially toward my father. wow. and my reaction was to tell her i wanted to kill myself. i'm there shouting in her face, my hands clenched and i really think she was hoping I would hit her. nope, not gonna do that and I am not going to kill myself either. she's gotten exactly what she wants - another person who shouts angrily at her, ignores her the rest of the time, and acts like they don't love her. just like my dad and her parents.

 

she'll never be able to be, for me, what I want her to be. I want her to talk sweetly and affectionately to me like she talks to her cat. I wonder if that is why she talks to her cat, so I can hear her. to me, it's 'not talking', that's what I get.

 

many years ago, my dead sister wrote my dad a long letter telling him what a poor job he did in raising her. She had also done that to my mom, only she did it in person. you know those letters that the therapists tell you to write, get it out of your system. But you are not supposed to SEND it. I'd never do that, send it, nor would I ever tell them either. Because I was the 'good' daughter and because I knew that the purpose of the 'exercise' was for oneself, to get those demons out so you can see your parents as flawed human beings who just did the best they could. Anyhow, my dad never spoke to my sister again. I don't know that my mom did either, though she sent my sister gifts for holidays and birthdays. and my sister 'got even' with them both. She's dead. Whether she did it herself or she goaded her baastid of a husband into doing it for her, she's dead and we all 'paid' for it (at least we did when we found out about it 4 months later, right?) well, that's not going to happen with me.

 

and anytime I ask my mother why she does what she does, she say's "I don't have to change. I am 88 years old and I am set in my ways". Fine by me, whatever makes you happy. If it makes you happy to ignore your daughter and talk sweetly to your cat then have at it. Life works both ways. I am sorry, God. I don't think I am going to miss her very much when she's gone.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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This Mamma loves you, so do lots of us here, I'm sorry that you have to share the same home,

that can't be easy for either of you, and even more so for you when you are suffering withdrawal.

I guess that she is incapable of showing affection, I wonder if it's a generation thing? My mum never

said anything nice to me and even told me she tried to abort me but I was "stubborn even then and  

refused to budge".  That wasn't said in a nasty way though, just matter of fact. She wasn't nasty just

indifferent. I used to resent not being shown affection but realise now that she was just a baby machine,

and probably a big mix of hormones all the time. There were 8 of us, then 3 that she did manage to 

free herself of. It was hard then, and Dad was a womaniser always gallivanting with someone else. 

 

I'm glad she wasn't like your mum, that must be terrible, I can't find a word that fits, terrible just doesn't cut it. 

More squishy Mamma hugs your way.  :wub:

**I am not a medical professional, if in doubt please consult a doctor with withdrawal knowledge.

 

 

Different drugs occasionally (mostly benzos) 1976 - 1981 (no problem)

1993 - 2002 in and out of hospital. every type of drug + ECT. Staring with seroxat

2002  effexor. 

Tapered  March 2012 to March 2013, ending with 5 beads.

Withdrawal April 2013 . Reinstated 5 beads reduced to 4 beads May 2013

Restarted taper  Nov 2013  

OFF EFFEXOR Feb 2015    :D 

Tapered atenolol and omeprazole Dec 2013 - May 2014

 

Tapering tramadol, Feb 2015 100mg , March 2015 50mg  

 July 2017 30mg.  May 15 2018 25mg

Taking fish oil, magnesium, B12, folic acid, bilberry eyebright for eye pressure. 

 

My story http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4199-hello-mammap-checking-in/page-33

 

Lesson learned, slow down taper at lower doses. Taper no more than 10% of CURRENT dose if possible

 

 

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