Epstein Barr Virus

[Nikki]

Epstein-Barr is how I ended up on AD's. I had it back in the late 90's. It causes severe fatigue, anxiety, depression, migratory aches and pains, and above all the feeling of "I must lay down now". I lost alot of weight, could not keep food down from the anxiety.

 

It was the worst experience of my life.

 

It took a long time to go away. The virus seeds itself, and can be re-activated by stress, extreme overwork.

 

Yesterday at work I thought I was going to fall down. I was dizzy, and very ill. I started to get scared and realized it was the EBV.

 

I know how to treat it and I knew I needed to leave. I knew if I stayed at TJ and closed, I would be in bad shape.

 

They keep the store understaffed on purpose. It is a multi billion dollar company and that is how they do it. Minimum wage and understaffing.

 

I was so nervous to tell the manager I was ill, and when I did his reaction was anger. "He" was understaffed and leaving would impact him.

 

I was nervous to ask and felt guilty leaving.

 

This is how corporate America is now. Employees are garbage and employers are abusive and take terrible advantage of employee's fears of losing a job.

 

Well......I came home and laid down with a blanket which draws heat from the pains and alleviates the pain (which is what I learned to do with WD pains). The pain was awful.

 

I am going to reschedule me clients for today to another day. I need to lay down again and take car of myself for a change instead of pushing.

 

Closing at TJMaxx takes at least an hour and a half from the mess the customers make. The store closes at 9:30, customers are still there. They just don't want to leave. And then clean up begins. It's grueling. We don't leave until 11pm ~ and when we get home ~ it is impossible to fall asleep.

 

I have lessened my hours. Sundays and Mondays only. After the summer when the season begins again here I will take it down to 1 day only and then hopefully phase it out.

 

I can't wait until I arrive at my goal of working my business and making the money I need to be totally self sufficient. Not rely on alimony or TJMaxx. Have to stay focused on that goal. Weekends off.

 

Than you for letting me vent. I still feel shaky and worried about leaving work. They do't accept sick calls.

[tezza]

I hope you feel well soon.

 

Hugs

[Barbarannamated]

I hope you feel better soon, Nikki.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by "they don't accept sick calls"...? Do people just not show up if they're sick??

 

Take care of yourself. I'm sorry your work situation has been so stressful.

[Nikki]

Barb they get angry when people call in sick or have to leave due to illness. They become angry and mouthy.

 

What they fail to realize is that their bosses (corporate office) are making their lives stressful, not us.

 

I really needed to lay down again today, still not right.

 

Epstein-Barr is an identifiable virus actually it is the antigens that are identifiable) which causes CFS symptoms. It is the same virus as Mono except that this is a chronic form. You have it for life. Mono is acute.

 

I really have to beat myself up for an extended period of time for a relapse to occur. Voila

 

If I am not moving, working, busy, shaking, doing I become anxious and worried. Will work with Therapist on this. It's a problem. It took alot for me to leave work yesterday.

 

Hugs

[Nadia]

Withdrawal sometimes reminds me of the type of depression and exhaustion/flu like stuff I felt when I had chronic mono (some doctors say you can't have it chronic, but an expert in Epstein Barr told me it was possible to have it chronic... I would have periods of fevers and feeling awful for many months after being sick). Interestingly enough my depressions got way worse after mono, too.

 

I think the difference is that now when I get the flu-like feeling it doesn't come with a fever, but I wonder if maybe it's another piece of the withdrawal puzzle.

 

Sometimes people just don't understand, but you have to give yourself a break anyway!

[alexjuice]

A side note:

 

During benzo reductions, like at this moment, I am struck by a powerful fear of infectious disease. It's been this way forever. So this thread title makes me uncomfortable. However, since we live in a world were EBV exists, it is good for my recovery to see it and read about and build my defenses against it.

 

/side note.

 

Hi Nadia! It's good to hear from you. I haven't see you post in a while and I am glad to hear from you on the forum!

[Nikki]

Alex do you mean that you have a Neuro-emotion type thingy from benzo reduction which may bring on a fear?

 

WD always made me feel that way until I kind of knew instinctively that it was in fact WD.

 

After this point in time I know what EBV feels like for me. It is starting to lift. Rest clears it up or puts the virus back into a dormant state.

 

All of this stuff plays with our heads. We all just want to feel normal.

 

Alex for what it's worth. WD is WD and EBV is EBV meaning they are different and they don't feel the same for me anymore. I can differentiate. Lovely isn't it.

 

Simple blood test called Blood titers.

 

Hugs

[alexjuice]

Alex do you mean that you have a Neuro-emotion type thingy from benzo reduction which may bring on a fear?

 

Yea. I get anxious about viruses all the times I've dropped my benzo dose. Things then level out.

 

I hate viruses. I remember being conscious of viruses fairly early, like in Health class in high school because I learned there were some viruses like HIV and cold sore viruses that can never be cured. It freaked me out that I coudl catch a virus and never be rid of it.

 

At this point, though, it's an irrational fear and it gets triggerd when I get fearful probably because I've been fearful about it in the past, if you see what I mean, so I've got some 'muscle memory' on going there. I think other people get fearful about their physical or financial security while I tend not to worry about those (death & taxes so to speak) but worry about regret. Viruses are like regret that I can never get rid off.

 

Virus worrying is about shame.

 

Benzos are lousy drugs...

 

Hope you are doing well today, Nikki.

[Nikki]

Alex I think everyone (mostly everyone) even people who have never taken psych meds have fears like the one you are describing.

 

For a month of so in advance my BFF who has a wonderful life gets terrible anxiety and imagines every scenario possible before her mammogram. For a good month she calls me in the morning and I talk her thru it.

 

She is a lovely, stable, financially secure, happily married women with stable, successful adult children. Go figure.

 

If she has aches/pains she thinks it's cancer. It's sad to see her go thru this.

 

We live in a chaotic world with lots of scary stuff going on + WD = FEAR

 

The Epstein-Barr scares me when it first comes on, and then once I realize what it is, I know I must lay down for an entire day with a blanket to relieve the pain and recharge my batteries.

 

I guess we're human after all