☼ Petunia: recovering from 13 years of antidepressant use

[ten0275]

@Petunia, what an amazing, amazing, amazing update. thank you so much for posting it. it is so inspiring and i think you are indeed darn close to the full-on recovery story. i am 2 months off all drugs as of this thursday and still lightly symptomatic in intervals, but feel continued healing happening as well. to read how you have progressed and endured and progressed more adds much-needed confirmation to the process, how it goes, and how it resolves. thank you, thank you thank you.

 

hang in there,

 

dave

[delsol]

This is great to read. I just got reacquainted with this site today, after much struggle and many months not reading things here. I am grateful to read stories by people who look at their trials and tribulations, their challenges and successes, as an ongoing process.  Right now things feel so hard for me, with these med changes. I hope to someday post here in a few years that I've gotten much better. Fingers crossed. In the meantime, reading success stories helps me to stay afloat. 

[Altostrata]

Petunia! So good to hear. It's been such a long, long road. You've given us so much here, thank you.

[Leo1983]

@Petunia

 

Hi,

 

How long were you on meds all together? Also how long were you on Lexapro.

 

Pleased to see improvements.

[JackieDecides]

On 8/11/2019 at 9:51 PM, Petunia said:

Sleeping in late is one of those pleasures in life everyone deserves to have sometimes.

 

 

I think this is true and measure how I'm doing by how sleep is going.

 

you do sound like you are maybe so recovered it's time for a success story thread. but, maybe there is no clear line. 

 

what matters is you are better and thank you for sharing it with us! 

[Petunia]

If I could remember how to do it, I would change my avatar to a new window picture. It's been 2 months since I last updated and I've had another positive change, so thought I would write about it.

I''m either in a really good window, have turned a corner or my recent drastic change in diet has done something good. I don't want to jump to conclusions yet, but I started feeling much better right after I changed my mostly plant based diet to a meat based ketogenic diet. Ethically, I didn't really want to, I'd been heading on a path towards raw veganism for a while, but after doing a lot of research, I started wondering if a change in diet might help with my remaining symptoms, which were extreme fatigue, low stress tolerance, low energy, mild to moderate joint and muscle pain, cognitive issues, and morning dread and anxiety. I seemed to have been left with a kind of chronic fatigue condition and my recovery seemed to have plateaued there - much better than being in the thick of cycling withdrawal symptoms, but still very limited in my functioning and quality of life.

 

Anyway, long post kept short, I've been eating keto for about 10 days now and I'm feeling great! Everything has now resolved, apart from the pain, that has improved somewhat too, but not gone completely. I"ve been keeping my net carbs to under 20 grams a day, getting most of my calories from healthy fats and eating a moderate amount of protein. Still eating very clean, with whole foods and no packaged or processed anything. This change in diet has forced me to take all grains out of my diet, and I'm wondering if that might have helped too.

 

Anyway, time will tell, if this improvement sticks, I will be writing my recovery story in a few months I guess.

 

I'm sorry I don't visit here much these days, but thank you for the ongoing support and encouragement.

Edited October 9, 2019 by Petunia

[Goosie]

Glad you are feeling better!   I was vegan before I got sick but have been eating meat since.   I  feel like it is helping but it is still taking a really long time to recover.   I figure the brain needs protein to rebuild itself.    

[Cocopuffz17]

That is awesome to hear. More success with diet change... even more so with removing grains from the diet. A lot of grains are inflammatory and have lectins which cause a lot of digestive issues/inflammation. Glad to hear of your continued healing! 

[Cocopuffz17]

8 hours ago, Longestroadhome said:

I was vegan for a long time but stupidly followed the advice of some plant based doctors and went low/ no oil. I swear it made my mood much worse and probably didn’t help my skin either. I swung the pendulum and went keto for a while but have settled comfortably following Dr Gundry’s Plant Paradox diet. He promotes good fats, especially olive oil and also a healthy amount of fish. I feel much better eating this way.

Hey! Me as well. I changed my nutrition and could not believe the difference in the way I felt. How long have you been eating Plant Paradox ? 

[Rhiannon]

PETU!!!!! So great to hear from you! 

 

I am thrilled to hear about your recovery. Thank you for coming back and sharing it with us. Yes, you should write a recovery story. You can always update it as things continue to improve.

 

I guess I should update mine, actually. I'm on lower and lower doses. Tried to jump off Xanax and had to reinstate and then the same with citalopram, but I am on such low doses of both of those that the drug itself is really not affecting me much at all, so my quality of life is pretty good. Still struggling with anxiety issues and some sleep issues, but I also have CPTSD due to childhood abuse, so anxiety has been a lifelong friend, and my sleep is really not much worse than my nondrugged friends who are about my age, so I consider myself pretty fortunate.

 

And my life circumstances are pretty good, I have a good job and am able to work full time still, and have a safe place to live, and some projects I'm excited about, and I'm growing and healing in several different directions, so I feel like after 20 years of being stuck in survival mode and misery on the drugs, I am finally getting to be myself again at least about 80% or so.

 

Anyway it is SO LOVELY to hear from you! And to hear how well you are doing. Thank you.

[Cocopuffz17]

1 hour ago, Longestroadhome said:

Yay! Another PP ❤️ I have been eating this way for nine months now. I enjoy the food so much. I love Darleen’s recipes, she runs the PP recipe sharing Facebook group and has so many delicious food ideas. How about you?

Awesome! Did you notice a huge difference in your well being physically and mentally after starting ? I was BLOWN away. It’s what gave me the courage to come off of my medication. I keep mine very basic right now, but I will slowly add things as my WDs subside. 

 

I just hit a year! Oct 14th was my 1 year and I know I would not be off this medication if it were not for the this doctors different view on eating. I even notice when I slip and eat unapproved foods I feel awful and WDs spike. 
 

[Petunia]

I just popped back to my journal to warn of impending incoming recovery story and found it's been hijacked by some kind of PP cult 😀,  just joking, it sounds interesting, I will have to check it out. Yeah! changing my diet has most definitely helped, although I don't know if its because of what I've added or what I've taken out. But it's working, so I'm sticking with it. I recently tried adding back in a lot of plant matter, because I miss it. I love big salads with lot's of 'stuff', but it caused some digestive problems and a drop in energy and mood, so I'm back to keeping the leafs low.

 

I hate to admit this, because I love animals and don't want to eat them, but in hindsight, I can see that the times in my life when I've been the most mentally and emotionally unstable have been the times when I had the least amounts of animal foods in my diet. Personally, my brain just seems to need some healthy animal fats in order to function well.

 

It was great to hear from you Rhi, if you are reading this. You were one of the first people to reply in my journal and I will always remember how kind and supportive you were. You gave me my first bit of hope and confirmation that this was withdrawal and that I would get better. I'm glad you are doing better now, our journeys are very different, you are a tapering expert and I'm a CT survivor.

 

Anyway,  just wanted to update for the new year.... 2020 will be the year I declare victory and plant my recovery flag.

[Shep]

3 hours ago, Petunia said:

I hate to admit this, because I love animals and don't want to eat them, but in hindsight, I can see that the times in my life when I've been the most mentally and emotionally unstable have been the times when I had the least amounts of animal foods in my diet. Personally, my brain just seems to need some healthy animal fats in order to function well.

 

I'm the same way, Petunia. As much as I love animals and don't want to eat them - I was a vegetarian for 32 years - I also feel better now that I'm no longer a vegetarian. 

 

3 hours ago, Petunia said:

Anyway,  just wanted to update for the new year.... 2020 will be the year I declare victory and plant my recovery flag.

 

This is awesome, Petu. I look forward to reading your success story! 

[Elyssa143]

@Petunia

Im so glad your doing so well! This is fantastic and I look forward to reading your success story as well. I too have tried the plant based diet and believe I do better lower carb and meat and fat. Could you explain your dread feeling? I have a similar feeling in my chest that makes me feel rather hopeless and like i dont want to do this anymore. And kind of dreading how much longer i can do this. Also can you kind of explain what your daily diet looks like? Please and do you take any vitamins? I appreciate your time and help! Have a great day

[Petunia]

On 1/17/2020 at 12:38 AM, Elyssa143 said:

@Petunia

 Could you explain your dread feeling? I have a similar feeling in my chest that makes me feel rather hopeless and like i dont want to do this anymore. And kind of dreading how much longer i can do this. Also can you kind of explain what your daily diet looks like? Please and do you take any vitamins? I appreciate your time and help! Have a great day

 

Hey Elyssa, I'm sorry you are going through this too. I just looked at your signature, Sertraline was the first anti-depressant I was given. You are coming up to 2 years off, I'm sure you will start feeling better soon, I started noticing some improvement at 2 years off.

 

For me the dread feeling was like you would probably feel on the morning of your own execution or some similar awful, hopeless situation with no escape. I would wake up every morning immediately plunged into this state of doom and dread for no reason. It was a combination of heaviness in my body and a very doomy, gloomy mood. The difference between this dread feeling and 'normal' fear was the attached sense of hopelessness. I guess you could say it was a combination of intense fear, hopelessness with an inability to see beyond. Thankfully, I used to start feeling better as the day progressed, and by evening, the dread had usually subsided for the day. This brief period of daily relief reinforced my knowledge that this was a temporary state, and not just how I was now. I remember sometimes waking up in the middle of the night, maybe around 2am and feeling completely normal as I went to the bathroom. I would feel relieved, thinking that the ordeal was over, and I would mentally plan what I would do in the morning, usually something that involved going out. But then every morning I would wake up with the dread and not be able to move from my bed for hours. Occasionally I had to go out early in the day, and when this happened I would be in a state of intense panic, my brain not working properly, unable to think clearly, my body would be shaking, I would be going hot and cold, sweating, looking around for the source of the danger. If I was driving, I would be thinking my car was about to explode. But over time this symptom has improved. I've always had the same pattern of feeling worse when I first wake up and improving as the day progresses, but slowly the intensity of the dread has decreased. During windows I didn't get this dread at all and would wake up feeling calm and enthusiastic about my day, but I didn't get many windows, at least not early in my recovery.

 

Diet: I have a bulletproof decaff coffee for breakfast. (with cream, Stevia and MCT oil). I've just started being able to have a little caffeine again, so twice a week I have a 'real' coffee, but only level 8 caffeine strength, it's taken this long to be able to tolerate caffeine. Lunch will usually be some kind of low carb salad with organic, grass fed meat, like free range chicken or meat loaf made with grass fed meats. The meat loaf I make contains GF beef liver, brains, GF lamb... basically anything grass fed and high in nutrition. On weekends I will sometimes eat bacon and eggs (pasture raised eggs), or smoked salmon and eggs.

 

Dinner will be similar to lunch, or sometimes I make a pasta dish with Slendier low carb pasta, which is made from konjak. I make a pesto sauce with olive oil, Parmesan cheese, garlic, almonds, and basil. I just planted some basil so hopefully I will be able to use fresh basil soon.

 

I sometimes make sandwiches with a low carb, very seedy bread. Before I found that, I was making my own keto bread, there are plenty of recipes on the internet.

No grains and high quality, grass fed, pasture raised animal foods as much as possible. Oh! almost forgot, I try and eat some wild caught, oily fish regularly, but wild caught is expensive, so I settle for farmed sometimes.

 

I'm cooking with coconut oil, butter, olive oil or beef fat. The only flours I use now are almond or coconut, and I make a few deserts with these. The only sweeteners I use now are Stevia, Monk Fruit or Erythritol.

 

I just found a source of unpasteurized goat milk, and I've been having that in my decaff tea. It's a little higher in carbs than cream or almond milk, but the nutrition in it is very good. I made some bone broth a while back, sometimes I have that for breakfast. Last night I used it as the base for egg drop soup.

 

I've really cut down on the smoothies, because they were filled with a lot of fruit and veg. I still have them occasionally now, but they only contain low carb vegetables and no fruit. Sometimes I will put in a very small amount of berries. The base is almond milk and I use either whey or pea protein, cacao for chocolate flavor. Stevia for sweetness. For about a month I was using an app called CarbManager, to make sure I was getting my macros right, but I don't need it now.

 

I currently take vitamin C, Magnesium, kelp and I was taking CoQ10, but I don't think it was doing anything, so I stopped. The only 2 vitamins/supplement I'm certain have helped during my recovery have been Magnesium and Taurine, which I no longer need, the rest I'm still not certain about.

 

I hope some of that is helpful 🙂

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So I logged on today to cancel my recovery story warning. I think I jinxed myself by writing it. It's all ready to go, but now I've been hit with another wave, it's quite  bad, sending me to the couch to play games and watch videos. Anything beyond necessities are on hold again. So I can't in good conscience upload a recovery story when I'm obviously not recovered yet.

 

I'm still much better though, and although this wave is bad, compared with recent waves, it's still nowhere near as intense and incapacitating as symptoms were during the first several years of recovery. It's a mix of physical and emotional symptoms. A return of some symptoms which had gone, in a milder form. This seems to be my pattern, symptoms will stop for a while and then return briefly at a lower strength, then stop and return again in decreasing spirals of intensity.

 

This might not actually be worse than recent waves, I've taken on more responsibility and activity lately, so perhaps it just seems worse because of the increased stress. Something I'm able to do now, which wasn't possible at first, is recognizing what's going on and adjust my expectations accordingly. During waves, my tolerance level for everything decreases, it used to be very confusing. But these days, as soon as I realize 'it's a wave', I'm able to turn up the self care and self compassion, let go of my expectations and wait for the storm to pass. It usually takes a while to realize what's going on though, the last time I thought a wave had hit turned out to be a head cold.

 

Thanks for the support, comments and encouragement. Hang in there everyone, it does get better.

[rapunzel2]

On 10/9/2019 at 4:51 AM, Petunia said:

If I could remember how to do it, I would change my avatar to a new window picture. It's been 2 months since I last updated and I've had another positive change, so thought I would write about it.

I''m either in a really good window, have turned a corner or my recent drastic change in diet has done something good. I don't want to jump to conclusions yet, but I started feeling much better right after I changed my mostly plant based diet to a meat based ketogenic diet. Ethically, I didn't really want to, I'd been heading on a path towards raw veganism for a while, but after doing a lot of research, I started wondering if a change in diet might help with my remaining symptoms, which were extreme fatigue, low stress tolerance, low energy, mild to moderate joint and muscle pain, cognitive issues, and morning dread and anxiety. I seemed to have been left with a kind of chronic fatigue condition and my recovery seemed to have plateaued there - much better than being in the thick of cycling withdrawal symptoms, but still very limited in my functioning and quality of life.

 

Anyway, long post kept short, I've been eating keto for about 10 days now and I'm feeling great! Everything has now resolved, apart from the pain, that has improved somewhat too, but not gone completely. I"ve been keeping my net carbs to under 20 grams a day, getting most of my calories from healthy fats and eating a moderate amount of protein. Still eating very clean, with whole foods and no packaged or processed anything. This change in diet has forced me to take all grains out of my diet, and I'm wondering if that might have helped too.

 

Anyway, time will tell, if this improvement sticks, I will be writing my recovery story in a few months I guess.

 

I'm sorry I don't visit here much these days, but thank you for the ongoing support and encouragement.

 

Wow! I´m exactly the same - my withdrawal symptoms mimic very closely chronic fatigue syndrome. I got very frightened when reading about it, thinking I have just broken my body and now I have cfs. But I guess a more balanced view about it is that it´s withdrawal which will heal in time. My symptoms are also: fatigue, post-exertional malaise or excersise intolerance, low stress tolerance, depression, pain in my body (muscles and joints), puffiness (eyes, fingers, legs are swollen), irritability, brain fog, difficulty concentrating, etc.  

 

I was doing Wahls protocol II level last year for half a year (about 60% of energy came from fat, 12% from protein and 28% from carbs - it´s not totally ketogenic but much higher fat content) and actually I was able to withdraw with astronomic speed (for me) at that time - I felt much less withdrawal symptoms, especially fatigue, and also depression. unfortunately I was doing very many things at that time and attributed my wellbeing to other factors. right now it seems that it was still due to diet. I read that cfs is helped by ketogenic diet. then I started to analyse and realized that this wahl´s protocol might have been a reason for having an easier time with withdrawal on spring 2019.

 

I have been severely ill with withdrawal now for half a year, after jumping off (after 6,5 years of slow withdrawing). I just started again on Wahl´s protocol and it seems to be helping although it´s early to tell. I have done it for a week and at the moment the depression part has eased up quite a bit. of course, it can just be a natural window. 

Have you measured how much you are eating fat, carbs and protein? Are you totally ketogenic or is it just high fat diet?

 

[Goosie]

My symptoms also look like chronic fatigue.   After what came before this is a walk in the park even though I am essentially disabled because of the extreme fatigue.  It’s been getting better slowly.  I hope the diets help for you.  I’ve been doing high fat high protein , but not following a specific diet.   I used to be vegan so this is quite a change.   

[Amira]

Hello @Petunia 

 

did the despersonalization go away completely? Do you feel connected to life now and present?

[Petunia]

I'm late for my 7 year update, but I guess as the saying goes, better late than never 😀

I fully expected to have written a recovery story by now, but still have a few residual symptoms and I'm also still in a mild windows/waves kind of pattern, so I'm not going to claim complete recovery, because it wouldn't be true.

 

But life is pretty good now, very different from my life on psyche drugs and also different from life before Zoloft, Lexapro and all the other drugs which ended up being added into an ongoing, changing poisonous cocktail of  'medications', given to treat what I now know were symptoms arising from the damage being done by the original 'medications'.

 

The positive changes in my life now outweigh the residue of of withdrawal symptoms and any damage done by psyche drugs. Even in hindsight, I can look back at the years of horror and suffering I endured, while my nervous system was struggling to repair itself, and can see it as a catalyst for emotional and spiritual transformation which might never have happened otherwise.

Of course I don't want to minimize the suffering anyone might be enduring right now. While in the throes of withdrawal, I remember it being impossible to see beyond the current horrendous moment, or to imagine it will ever get better, in spite of reading about recovery and people telling me I would get better.

 

I remember when I had lost all hope, when stories of recovery were like water off a ducks back. They just didn't apply to me, I was different, too broken, too damaged, incapable of recovery. I think that's one of the symptoms of toxic brain/nervous system damage, an inability to imagine anything beyond the current reality. We seem to temporarily lose our higher brain functioning, the thing which makes us human, well I lost mine, for several years I was basically existing like an animal, focused only on my own survival from moment to moment, incapable of normal human emotions or deep connections with other people. I was terrified my humanity would never return.

 

But it has, my full emotional pallet has returned, but I have a different relationship with it now, it no longer controls my actions, or scares me. I don't run from difficult emotions like I used to, they inform my life and offer clues about the directions I should be taking. Life feels like an adventure now, where previously it was more like a challenging struggle with a paper bag over my head and no clue about what was going on.

 

I'm not strict keto any more, and have added a few more healthy carbs back into my diet. Still no sugar, high carb fruits or highly processed foods, but I'm now eating some higher carb vegetables, bread and rice occasionally. I'm sure the addition of good quality animal foods and fat has improved my cognitive function, and helped with recovery in that area. I'm still not completely back to my previous level of cognitive function, but I noticed a change in the rate of recovery. Huge improvement in mood and emotional stability too.

Another recovery milestone I want to mention is that I'm able to tolerate caffeine again. I have one cup of coffee a day, with no adverse effects. My morning coffee was something I really missed through withdrawal and recovery. I drank decaff, both tea and coffee, but it's not the same... and now I have a delicious, rich, creamy bullet proof coffee every morning with MCT oil, cream and stevia.

 

My physical energy levels are still below par, and similar in some ways to CFS, but my brain fog has cleared a lot, and the physical pain I used to get in my right shoulder and neck has gone. It all returns mildly occasionally, especially if I try to do too much, or don't stop when I'm feeling tired, or if I allow stress to build up. I think my nervous system is still quite vulnerable in some ways, still slowly regaining its full strength and resilience..... but so much better than 7 years ago when I was starting my recovery journey.

 

 

 

 

Edited July 9, 2020 by Petunia

[Petunia]

On 6/19/2020 at 3:42 AM, Amira123 said:

Hello @Petunia 

 

did the despersonalization go away completely? Do you feel connected to life now and present?

 

Yes it did, DP/DR was one of my worst symptoms, adding to other symptoms which kept me housebound for a long time. I remember it would go away during windows, and the relief I felt when I was able to again feel connected with life around me, other people and with myself. Then it would cruelly return when the window closed, and I would once again feel frozen and trapped inside a thick bubble, isolated from everything which is alive including myself.

I feel deeply connected with life now, and it hasn't changed in a long time. There's a slightly different experience of it now, different from how it used to be. The connection I have with life is changing from being personal into something which feels more like I'm part of what I'm connected with rather than being separate from. Even my connection with myself is no longer personal, it's deeper, more meaningful, but less personal.

 

Previously, before withdrawal, I would only feel fully present sometimes. Lots of things I did in life were distractions from uncomfortable emotions or situations, I often didn't want to be present to the reality which was going on, either outside of me or inside. I didn't realize how much of life I was avoiding, it was all unconscious back then. During withdrawal I learned how to use distraction in a conscious way, so I had a choice, those withdrawal symptoms get intolerable at times and distraction is the only way to get through. I think perhaps DP/DR is one of our brain's survival systems, designed or evolved to protect us from reality when it becomes too overwhelming to tolerate, until we learn how to consciously use this technique and then ultimately transcend our need for using it.

[Amira]

I am so happy to read your update, @Petunia it gives me hope ❤️

 

 

How long did it take for the DP to go away completley?

 

sorry for the short reply, the brain fog makes writing difficult sometimes

[Petunia]

4 minutes ago, Amira123 said:

How long did it take for the DP to go away completley?

 

I don't know, it was such a slow process, and it would come and go and come and go, and each time it would come back, it would be less intense, usually, but not always. Then it would come back mildly, so I wouldn't notice it as much, or maybe I was getting used to it. For all I know, I still have it, but I'm so used to it, I don't even realize 🙃  But seriously, it's been about 2 years since I remember experiencing it, so I would say about 5 years before it left and stayed away for good. But it wasn't awful for the whole 5 years, after the first 2 years, the experience of it was much more tolerable than when it was at it's worst, always unpleasant, but not so bad it would send me running home, back to the safety of my room, every time I tried to go out.

[ChessieCat]

Hi Petunia.  Wow 7 years.  Such a long time.  But really pleased that you are doing so much better.

 

I've made a quoted questions/responses post about your DP/DR recovery here:

 

success-stories-from-dr-derealisation-cognitive-impairment

 

derealization-or-depersonalization-dr-and-dp

 

[Amira]

Thank you so much for your reply 😊❤️

@Petunia

[Petunia]

On 7/9/2020 at 2:30 PM, ChessieCat said:

.......

 

I've made a quoted questions/responses post about your DP/DR recovery here:

 

success-stories-from-dr-derealisation-cognitive-impairment

 

derealization-or-depersonalization-dr-and-dp

 

 

Thanks Chessie, you're all even more organized than before, this is such an amazing, life saving site. Thank you.

[Amira]

Thank you so much for your reply, @Petunia  it is very reassuring 💞

 

Did you suffer from neuro-terror, neuro fear and neuro guilt?

 

[emilie]

Hi Petunia. (sorry i am french my english is not super) I think but i am not sure, i think that i have read that when it was cold temperature your body goes in tremors. And that you had an hypersensitivity to temperature change. Did your jaw have tremors when cold temperature ? Does your hypersensitivity to temperature has been removed with time?

Does your sensibility to cold has been removed with time?

Does some fragment of memory is come back with time?

Does you have hungry for food now? (i had read you had no appetite) Did you force yourself to eat during many years?

Did you have constipation? 

 

I am in trouble with these problems and i was wondering, what yours now after 7 years with no pills?

 

Thanks

 

 

 

 

[Petunia]

On 8/18/2019 at 5:24 PM, Leo1983 said:

@Petunia

 

Hi,

 

How long were you on meds all together? Also how long were you on Lexapro.

 

Pleased to see improvements.

 

Hi Leo,

It was about 15 years total that I was taking psyche meds. I came off Lexapro after taking it for about 5 - 6 years, but then was prescribed other drugs for newly diagnosed conditions, which in hindsight, I now know were withdrawal symptoms. Several different kinds of antidepressants over the course of 13 years. First Zoloft, then switched to Serzone, because of side effects, when that was taken off the market, I went on Lexapro. A too fast taper. A diagnosis of ADHD, stimulant meds for that. Benzodiazapines for anxiety. Two more trials of Lexapro again and then Prozac. Drug free May 2013... that's it in a nutshell

[Petunia]

On 10/13/2020 at 2:27 AM, emilie said:

Hi Petunia. (sorry i am french my english is not super) I think but i am not sure, i think that i have read that when it was cold temperature your body goes in tremors. And that you had an hypersensitivity to temperature change. Did your jaw have tremors when cold temperature ? Does your hypersensitivity to temperature has been removed with time?

Does your sensibility to cold has been removed with time?

Does some fragment of memory is come back with time?

Does you have hungry for food now? (i had read you had no appetite) Did you force yourself to eat during many years?

Did you have constipation? 

 

I am in trouble with these problems and i was wondering, what yours now after 7 years with no pills?

 

Thanks

 

 

 

 

Hi emilie,

Sorry for the late response, I don't visit here often these days. I just popped on to write a short update. But to answer your questions:

Yes, I was hypersensitive to all kinds of changes, including temperature. I can't say my jaw would have tremors, but my whole body would be shaky and weak, like it would go into a mild state of shock, my brain wouldn't work properly, so I couldn't figure out what was wrong or what to do about it.

Yes, over time, my hypersensitivity has gone away, but it comes back mildly when I get waves, which I still do. But the intensity of them has decreased a lot, and they don't last very long.

My memory has improved, and continues to improve, both short term and long term. I lost a lot of emotional memories, it felt sad to not be able to connect emotionally to past memories of experiences with my daughter as she was growing up. Some of this has returned, but I think some has been lost for ever. My short term memory has improved, not quite back to how it used to be, but I'm happy with my level of functioning now. I'm able to multi-task again.

My appetite is back to normal. Yes, I forced myself to eat for several years. Food was tasteless and I had no energy or motivation to make meals. My brain struggled to make even the most simple meal, so I would buy ready prepared meals that I could heat up. Sometimes, all I could manage was making a piece of toast. When I had recovered a bit, probably after 2 - 3 years, I started making smoothies. At first I would react badly to the protein powder, but over time I adjusted and they became a good source of nutrition for a few years. I was mostly plant based, which probably wasn't good for recovery. When I added more meat and animal foods back into my diet about a year ago, my recovery increased, especially my cognitive function, energy levels and mood. I was eating a keto diet for about 6 months, now I eat a low carb, quality animal food based diet, with some vegetables, berries and grass fed dairy. No alcohol and caffeine maybe twice a week. My nervous system is still sensitive, so I have to be careful, but as long as I take care of myself properly, as far as withdrawal symptoms go, I'm good most of the time. Constipation wasn't a problem for me. I'm not saying I never had it, at times I probably did, but other symptoms were much worse and more of a concern.

 

~~~~~~~~~

I logged on to write an update..... so here goes:
I seem to be in a combined window and wave at the same time. Some symptoms have returned, mildly - sleep disruption, gum pain, joint pain, nightmares, mild morning anxiety. But at the same time, my mood and motivation are better than ever. I feel at peace, creative and happy almost all the time these days, in spite of my symptoms, which are mainly physical now, so I generally just ignore them and get on and do what I want to do, carefully and mindfully if at all possible. When symptoms do return, they cycle around very fast, sometimes lasting 10 - 15 minutes, then changing to something else, then something else. It feels like complete chaos, and if I didn't know what it was, I would think I was going crazy. Most of this is in my head. I don't mean I imagine it, but the symptoms are located in my head. For example, my right eye will start itching, then it will tear up, and carry on like that for a while. Then suddenly it will stop and my throat might start itching. That will stop, then my left ear might start ringing for a minute or two, then stop. Then I will have a sneezing attack, and it will stop. Next my vision will go blurry, then clear up. Then a tooth might start aching for a few minutes, then stop.

 

I rarely have any 'normal' anxiety these days, when it does come, it's usually related to a situation which requires increased focus or attention, so quite functional really. Even when  withdrawal dread and anxiety come back, they rarely last longer than a few seconds. It was anxiety that got me started on anti-depressants in the first place. I was diagnosed with a 'general anxiety disorder', told it was probably genetic and came from a brain chemistry imbalance. But the reality is that I'm most likely (undiagnosed) autistic, experienced childhood trauma from emotional neglect and abuse, had chosen an abusive man to marry (because it felt familiar) and now have CPTSD.

 

If there's a silver lining to withdrawal, it's that it forced me to discover who I really am, and taught me how to relate to myself in a healthy way. I'm taking care of myself properly, based on my own needs, for the first time in my life.

 

Every day is a blessing and I feel like I'm trying to make up for lost time. Slowly my physical strength and stamina is returning, after years spent mostly in bed. I've planted some trees, made new garden beds, planted herbs and started new hobbies. I have plans, goals and dreams again. Life is full of possibility and opportunity, once again, I'm filled with optimism and curiosity. I'm able to enjoy music again, and the sounds of nature. At one point, every kind of sound induced feelings of dread and anxiety. Birds singing in the  morning filled me with horror, but now,, I enjoy sitting outside as the sun rises, listening to their songs. Every morning is like a little miracle, compared with the horror and chaos of a few years ago. The only thing keeping me alive back then was faith that the intense suffering would eventually burn itself out, and good feelings would return.... and that's exactly what has happened. Life is ok, exactly the way it is.

 

[ChessieCat]

11 minutes ago, Petunia said:

Life is ok, exactly the way it is.

 

That's great!  Thank you for updating.

[Shep]

Beautiful update, Petunia. 

[emilie]

thanks for the response. it sound good .

[Bluebird2009]

On 11/8/2020 at 7:20 AM, Petunia said:

Hi emilie,

Sorry for the late response, I don't visit here often these days. I just popped on to write a short update. But to answer your questions:

Yes, I was hypersensitive to all kinds of changes, including temperature. I can't say my jaw would have tremors, but my whole body would be shaky and weak, like it would go into a mild state of shock, my brain wouldn't work properly, so I couldn't figure out what was wrong or what to do about it.

Yes, over time, my hypersensitivity has gone away, but it comes back mildly when I get waves, which I still do. But the intensity of them has decreased a lot, and they don't last very long.

My memory has improved, and continues to improve, both short term and long term. I lost a lot of emotional memories, it felt sad to not be able to connect emotionally to past memories of experiences with my daughter as she was growing up. Some of this has returned, but I think some has been lost for ever. My short term memory has improved, not quite back to how it used to be, but I'm happy with my level of functioning now. I'm able to multi-task again.

My appetite is back to normal. Yes, I forced myself to eat for several years. Food was tasteless and I had no energy or motivation to make meals. My brain struggled to make even the most simple meal, so I would buy ready prepared meals that I could heat up. Sometimes, all I could manage was making a piece of toast. When I had recovered a bit, probably after 2 - 3 years, I started making smoothies. At first I would react badly to the protein powder, but over time I adjusted and they became a good source of nutrition for a few years. I was mostly plant based, which probably wasn't good for recovery. When I added more meat and animal foods back into my diet about a year ago, my recovery increased, especially my cognitive function, energy levels and mood. I was eating a keto diet for about 6 months, now I eat a low carb, quality animal food based diet, with some vegetables, berries and grass fed dairy. No alcohol and caffeine maybe twice a week. My nervous system is still sensitive, so I have to be careful, but as long as I take care of myself properly, as far as withdrawal symptoms go, I'm good most of the time. Constipation wasn't a problem for me. I'm not saying I never had it, at times I probably did, but other symptoms were much worse and more of a concern.

 

~~~~~~~~~

I logged on to write an update..... so here goes:
I seem to be in a combined window and wave at the same time. Some symptoms have returned, mildly - sleep disruption, gum pain, joint pain, nightmares, mild morning anxiety. But at the same time, my mood and motivation are better than ever. I feel at peace, creative and happy almost all the time these days, in spite of my symptoms, which are mainly physical now, so I generally just ignore them and get on and do what I want to do, carefully and mindfully if at all possible. When symptoms do return, they cycle around very fast, sometimes lasting 10 - 15 minutes, then changing to something else, then something else. It feels like complete chaos, and if I didn't know what it was, I would think I was going crazy. Most of this is in my head. I don't mean I imagine it, but the symptoms are located in my head. For example, my right eye will start itching, then it will tear up, and carry on like that for a while. Then suddenly it will stop and my throat might start itching. That will stop, then my left ear might start ringing for a minute or two, then stop. Then I will have a sneezing attack, and it will stop. Next my vision will go blurry, then clear up. Then a tooth might start aching for a few minutes, then stop.

 

I rarely have any 'normal' anxiety these days, when it does come, it's usually related to a situation which requires increased focus or attention, so quite functional really. Even when  withdrawal dread and anxiety come back, they rarely last longer than a few seconds. It was anxiety that got me started on anti-depressants in the first place. I was diagnosed with a 'general anxiety disorder', told it was probably genetic and came from a brain chemistry imbalance. But the reality is that I'm most likely (undiagnosed) autistic, experienced childhood trauma from emotional neglect and abuse, had chosen an abusive man to marry (because it felt familiar) and now have CPTSD.

 

If there's a silver lining to withdrawal, it's that it forced me to discover who I really am, and taught me how to relate to myself in a healthy way. I'm taking care of myself properly, based on my own needs, for the first time in my life.

 

Every day is a blessing and I feel like I'm trying to make up for lost time. Slowly my physical strength and stamina is returning, after years spent mostly in bed. I've planted some trees, made new garden beds, planted herbs and started new hobbies. I have plans, goals and dreams again. Life is full of possibility and opportunity, once again, I'm filled with optimism and curiosity. I'm able to enjoy music again, and the sounds of nature. At one point, every kind of sound induced feelings of dread and anxiety. Birds singing in the  morning filled me with horror, but now,, I enjoy sitting outside as the sun rises, listening to their songs. Every morning is like a little miracle, compared with the horror and chaos of a few years ago. The only thing keeping me alive back then was faith that the intense suffering would eventually burn itself out, and good feelings would return.... and that's exactly what has happened. Life is ok, exactly the way it is.

 

Hi can I ask do you think what we go through is autoimmune and also did you try herbs. I was doing great for 6 weeks and then took an infection abs had to have antibiotics abs I’m in an awful mess with severe chemical sensitivity. I was going to try herbs abs hope they might help. Glad you are feeling better. 

[Amira]

Thank you for your update @Petunia, i read in one of your previous posts that you discovered you have undiagnosed ADHD. Now after recovery and having your normal brain functions. My question is, after going through WD and changing brain chemistry are you back to having some ADHD symptoms again or that has changed/disappeared?

Sorry english is not my first language

[Phoenixmama]

@Petunia hello🌞 how are you

[Petunia]

It's been almost a year since I last visited, perhaps it's time for an update. Unfortunately, I'm still unable to write a recovery story, even though I've been medication free for over 9 years now.

 

Thankfully, I feel a lot better than during those first few years after stopping the drugs, but I'm still in a windows/waves kind of pattern, with various symptoms cycling around and around. These days, my symptoms are mainly physical and I feel like I've been left with a kind of FM/CFS type of condition. 

 

I have good days and even good weeks, even the occasional good month or two. But inevitably, I will crash. Sometimes it's obvious what has caused the return of symptoms, usually an increase in stress or perhaps eating too much sugar or drinking too much caffeine, getting sick with an infection can bring on a wave.

 

I have to take extremely good care of myself if I want to stay well.

 

Right now I've been in a wave for about a month. I got sick with one infection after another over the course of about 6 weeks. I also got a second dog about a year ago, and she has been difficult to deal with, causing added stress. Sleeping problems returned, along with morning dread, fatigue, muscle pain and tension, memory and cognitive difficulties along with an increase in anxiety.

 

I've learned how to enjoy a simple life, and these days I'm able to find gratitude for basic things like being able to have an afternoon nap without toxic effects and being able to cook a healthy, delicious meal and eat it. I can sit in the sun and walk in nature without DP/DR and I can relax without akathisia coursing through my body. Perhaps this is as good as it's going to get for me.

 

I had a visit from my daughter the other day. Before she left, she said that she hopes I keep feeling better, and it made me realize that in spite of this ongoing protracted withdrawal and cycling symptoms, I still wouldn't want to go back to the life I had before. This has been an amazing journey of self discovery, personal growth and awakening that has left me with a kind of peace and contentment I don't think I would have been able to achieve otherwise.

 

I used to run away from reality, my whole life was about trying to escape from discomfort, internal and external. Going through withdrawal forced me to sit down in the present moment and accept what is, and deal with it. Now I live life, whatever it entails, rather than run away from it. Each day is a gift.