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Blame and Guilt

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I've noticed since leaving my house and being very attached with my mother, we're never more than 20 feet apart, feels like, that part of the dynamic of my family is based on blame, guilt and avoiding responsibility. All the members of my family, but particularly my mom and dad, seem highly conscious of being singled out with blame. This has caused friction with my family relationships because everyone uses a lot of defense mechanisms to avoid the responsibbility.


For instance, my mom and dad tend to 'play dumb'. Again, example: Earlier while I was living at my mom's, an ex-GF of mine asked my mother to watch her puppy. I wasn't on good terms with the Ex-GF. So I heard about this, I was in very early w/d and felt irritated that a puppy and my ex-GF would be coming over but I didn't confront my mom.


But me and Mom were in the same room when my friend called. I told my friend how I felt unhappy about watching the dog and that it was ridiculous. My friend ribbed me about it, so we had this long exchange and my mom watched this. But I didn't confront her then. Some time later, I did confront my mom about my ex-GF and she told me she didn't know it bothered me. She played dumb for a long time. Recently, the subject came up again and she confessed that she knew it bothered me but she just pretended not be aware of this because she was conflict averse, guilt averse and so long as she pretended that she didn't know I was unhappy she felt their would be less friction in our relationship.


That's the setup.


Over the last year, as my health injuries have been compounded upon, by infections and a mold issue, I've noticed more and more how frequently people seem to go to great lengths to pretend they did not seem something, all to escape blame. Or are hypocritical about authority. For instance, in my Drugging, when my psychiatrist told my parents that I was schizophrenic, my parents, as I look back, seemed somehow relieved. Whatever was wrong with me, I was 20 years old then, was NOT THEIR FAULT. An expert told them. So while my father will get 5 opinions before he has a surgery, when told I should undergo a psych eval to confirm the schizophrenic diagnosis, he and my mom never called back the doctor to get the results.


In the end, they are quite upset at my psychiatrist, who admits he can't even recall the meeting (or anything from that year essentially) because he was consuming and injecting himself with massive amounts of narcotics and tranquilizers.


I realize how I deal with my illness is oriented around blame and guilt. I think of my Drugging. People, even a CBT therapist, told me that the results of my illness resulted from decision to take medication. My mold exposure and weakened immune system, I've been told how if I hadn't spent my 20s on drugs (small d) I wouldn't have been living at my moms and wouldn't have been exposed to the mold in the first place. The interesting thing is that, I am very concerned about how I am perceived.


I find I am a lot like my parents in this way. I have the impulse to be happy if another misunderstands the facts but doesn't blame me. I spend energy, major energy, concerned that people will see my situation and blame me.


But the larger discovery is that many people, I find, appear to do as my family does. Maybe it is a larger systemic issue of our times. We probably all have watched videos of psychiatrists who rationalize accepting bribes from Big Pharma because the money lets them do humanitarian work in undeveloped countries. I am realizing that pretending not to see is a very large problem.


Is another one of my patients on antidepressants diagnosed with diabetes... That's not because of my actions. Probably that patient ate poorly and didn't exercise. Not because of the meddication I put them on, I never saw that the medication was hurting them ...


It all feels like a culture of dishonesty and blame. So long as you don't notice you can't be blamed. My family is the poster family for this phenomenon.

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The layers of denial and delusion are maddening in our society and in my family, in particular. I recognize this everywhere now and question myself constantly, wondering why I didnt see patterns earlier... if I'm seeing things accurately now or not. Blissful ignorance that I wish I was still a part of.


I don't know how I'm perceived. I know I'm often disoriented and angry ~ a different person than I was previously . It causes a great deal of paranoia.

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It's come up a lot around my being sick. My family members have an unhealthy skew towards casting one another off in troubledd times rather than uniting to face the troubles.


Like, if it's Christmas Eve and my brother, sister and I are sitting around the dinner table with my dad and my stepmom, and something falls and breaks, we all look around the table like, "Wasn't me."


The motto of my family ought to be "All for None and I'm for Me!"

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The game families play. Many years ago my sibling (a therapist) called my pdoc to ask what was wrong with me. He told her (they'd never met) and from this single 3 minute phone chat my fate was sealed. I was branded forever crazy, best not to be around by family and what help I got was all psychiatric drugs. Later when it was found out I'd not been mentally ill everything was pushed under the rug by my family and best not mentioned. I was semi-accepted back into the family fold but not asked to come visit them again. I do not tell anyone new I've met of my psych history because I feel they wouldn't understand and maybe think oh how stupid was she to be drugged and lose years in a drug induced fog??


Blame? Guilt?? Yes to both. I blame myself for being duped by psychiatry and living for years drugged.


Did I have to go thru what I did to get where I am now?

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