Jump to content
dewayne76

Dewaynes Spouse Story

Recommended Posts

dewayne76

Hey guys. I'm new to the site (lurked many times though) and finally decided to register and spill the beans. My name is Dewayne, my ex-wife is Marcy. We were together for 11 years. We of course, had a few ups and downs like normal people, but for the last 5 or 6 years, it was great. I was always asking her how we were and she'd always tell me how great we were doing etc and how happy she was. She made a mistake or two a few years back and would always bring them up saying how sorry she was, and promised to never hurt me again.

 

Back in March of 2012 (I may have said May in another thread) we sold our house, property and nice classic hot rod cars to start a business. I asked her on the way to the bank "Before we do this, I need to make sure you're 110% happy with me, the marriage and family." She gave a perfect answer, telling me she was still very much in love with me and in fact, she should be worried about ME leaving HER! We have many, VERY romantic encounters, one such memory that is very, very .. um. important? to me is 'sex in the graveyard' in the middle of the day. Yes, strange, but we are "Haunters" that do haunted houses etc. So it's fitting :P But we're not all goth and black dressing etc, lol. Just normal ppl. But that particular day was VERY memorable to me. It was about July I guess. (after she was on medicine) We finished making love and she looked at me with the greatest smile, and spoke such wonderful words saying "I love you so much" etc. all while placing her palm on the side of my cheek. Yes, we had THAT romantic type of love, always telling each other romantically how much we loved each other.

 

June 19 she was put on Citalopram, 20mg for slight chest pains. She thought it was palpitations but they didn't check. Just gave her an AD thinking it was work stress. Inside of 3 months, the loving, caring person I once knew, was gone. She started lying, cheating, drinking and doing drugs. She despised drugs and never wanted to even try them. Hung with the wrong crowd, having affairs with barely legal teens.

 

SO! I found "Marriages destroyed by SSRI's" and other sites, like this one and I read and read and read. STory after story. Awe inspiring about how this medicine affects people's lives, not just one person, but the entire family.

 

She is SUPPOSEDLY off of the medicine after an extremely fast taper. May as well say CT. She has calmed down from her hypomania stage, stopped drinking and drugs, and sleeping around with anyone and everyone, but is now with a 20yo boy that looks like he's 15. SERIOUSLY.. all his pics on FB look like they're in a classroom or on the bus. Completely opposite of her usual attraction to men. She claims to be happy, but still no affection towards me. Can care less if she sees or hears from me. Stopped txting all together, etc. We have a beautiful 3 yo daughter who is distraught over all of this.

 

I have been forced to move in with a friend and get a job. The business failed, she lied about paying rent at the building we had the business and they foreclosed on it, taking every possession I had. I got out with my tv, 1/3 of my clothes, Playstation 3 and computer. That's. it! No family photos, no posters of our hotrods, no photo albums etc. Pots, pans, cookware, $2,000 refrigerator.. ALL OF IT... gone. $50,000 worth of stuff. gone.

 

In the beginning, we told each other "If the business fails, we'll at least have each other. We can move in with your grandmother to get back on our feet" and she was very happy about it all.

 

Divorce final on Feb 5th. Facebook status changed to Divorced that day. Status changed to "In a relationship" weeks later.

 

She claims she's happy. Says she has no WD symptoms anymore, no brainzaps ever, but little diarrhea/ cramps. But her appetite is changed, her taste in food, men, all of it changed. doesn't seem to take care of herself. Doesn't fix her hair anymore, hardly any make up. Always tired.

 

I'm so sorry this has turned out to be so long, but thank you to all who read this far. I'm devastated to say the least. I wasn't an abuser, maybe belittled her sometimes but always tried my best to make up for it. We loved each other. Truly. Now with me working 2 jobs, I hardly get to see my daughter. Though my ex SOUNDS like she's concerned about it, she makes no effort to help. Up until a month ago (when I last had her at my place) our daughter constantly said she hated her mother and wanted to stay with me. Why in the WORLD would a 3.5 yo know to say this??

 

Is there any hope?

Share this post


Link to post
strawberry17

Dewayne I am so so sorry, I have no idea what to say to make you feel better, I don't think there is anything I could say, but I didn't want to read it and not comment. Do you think it WAS all down to the Citalopram? although I believe they can cause some people to have extreme responses and take the brakes off with regards to drinking, sex, behaviour. I wonder if one day she'll have an epiphany and realise. So sad for your daughter :(

Share this post


Link to post
dewayne76

Thanks Strawberry.

 

Yes, I do think she'll have an epiphany some day. I've talked to many women, and a few men who had this same reaction, only to regret EVERYTHING later on. Unfortunately, most of them took a year or so. :(

 

Yes, I feel so bad for our daughter. She cries every time I leave her side... Man. I've prayed, I've talked to god again (lost my faith a while ago) and I just don't see hope, I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I intercepted an email (set it up back when we were married to get evidence of her cheating) and she was telling this new, BOY that she loved him, missed him etc. He's NOTHING like her 'type'. She's all over the place, anywhere EXCEPT her old personality. Different tastes in food, men etc. Yes, I do feel it's 99% Citalopram.

 

I promise you, if you knew her / us PRE-MED.. you'd agree. This isn't her.

Share this post


Link to post
Nikki

Like Strawberry said I could not read without replying. You have been thru so much.

 

Yes, sadly I have read similar situations as yours.

 

Maybe it's time for you to rebuild and try and heal from what has happened. You can do this by taking care of yourself. Honor your feelings. This sounds like grieving. Work, eat, sleep, see your daughter. Talk about this and believe there is a way out for you.

 

As hard as it is taking the focus off of your ex and putting that energy into you is usually the next step after the shock and grieving settles down a bit.

Share this post


Link to post
dewayne76

Thanks Nikki.

 

Yeah< I know it's grieving... but dam it's been since September since it all started (2012) Divorce final Feb 05. I hoped I'd be further along by now, but I keep having backtracks happen and it's hard to progress when it feels 3 steps forward and 2 back.

 

I have spoken to several that have been medicated and done the very same MO.. and most of them came back to themselves after about a year. Sometimes 6months or so off meds. If she really is off, I think this would be the 4th month. I see no slowing down in her progression with her 'new life'.

 

One lady said she definitely had the 'Ah I need to start over' Attitude, wanting to leave her husband etc. She wouldn't leave her kids, like my ex, but definitely thought she hated her husband and didn't want to be with him. A year and a half later they're back together after a long separation (she treated it like divorce tho) and they're so much more happier now.

 

I just wish I could see some light at the end of the tunnel of it all. I can almost FEEL the fact that one day, I'm gonna get 'that call' where she bawls and tells me she was wrong etc and wants to fix things... but I just don't know where I'm gonna be at that point.

 

 

Dewayne

Share this post


Link to post
Rhiannon

Dewayne, you might want to take a look at a book titled Medication Madness by Peter Breggin. He talks about these kinds of sudden behavior and personality changes produced by antidepressants and other psych meds.

 

I went pretty crazy when I was on psych meds and did a lot of really stupid, self-destructive, insensitive things. Being in withdrawal from the meds isn't much better, it also makes you pretty crazy.

Share this post


Link to post
dewayne76

Hi Rhi. Yeah, I downloaded it because I couldn't afford it. I'll definitely support him and buy the actual books (New even) when I get on my feet. I've literally gone from having what a poor man can consider 'everything' to... literally nothing. A tv, a pc... and some clothes. :/

 

But, I do know about it. I read some of his book... being downloaded onto MY pc... It's hard for me, atm, to go to my computer. I am using the media box my roommate built for movies etc right now. I do this, because there's so much memories on MY computer that I have a hard time leaving it alone. So it's been a while since I"ve used it, or read some of that book in pdf form.

 

I am sorry you had experienced similar. I'm sorry for EVERYONE HERE! I'm sorry this site has to exist... :(

 

 

I am curious about your story. If you ever feel like ranting, venting or sharing, please feel free to post it, (most likely PM if it's optional at this site) I'd be very happy to read / hear your story and background.

 

Dewayne

Share this post


Link to post
mammaP

Dewayne I am so so sorry to read this and it has me crying (again).

You have also answered some questions for me and I've had a lightbulb moment

about my own family which I'll post on my thread.

 

I hope that eventually your ex misses what you had and can rekindle it.

It will be very hard for you to put everything behind you if you did get

back together but as you say this isn't her. I do know one thing for certain

from my own experience, ADs destroy emotion, love and hate and you are left

in limbo feeling nothing. That is when it feels like love has gone,

romance is killed along with happy feelings. A person you love deeply

can also have annoying traits that are 'put up with' (we all have some of those).

And if they don't have anything that gets up your nose then they can be too bloody

perfect and patronising! When the love has gone that is what's left.

There is no winning for the one on the receiving end

and all you can do is sit back and watch the one you love vanish down the

neck of a pill bottle. And if you try and say it's the pills, well, you know

nothing and the doctors have gone through med school right?

 

So, in comes the alcohol and drugs to get some feeling, any feeling is better than

being a zombie. And the sex? Anyone will do as long as emotion isn't involved, it's like

scratching an itch. Thankfully I didn't go that far but know the feelings. Sadly I was on

one after another AD for years and my husband died before the feeling came back.

Share this post


Link to post
dewayne76

"Sadly I was onone after another AD for years and my husband died before the feeling came back. "

 

... speechless. I don't think words will ever do justice to how that just made me feel. That's one of those things that, when spoke, it just goes quiet, cus there are no words to reply to that with. 

I'm so sorry you had this experience. I have had thoughts like that... that maybe my ex will accumulate her mother's type of cancer (a fear we both have had for over a decade) and she'd leave us with her mind being altered the way it is now. She basically has no feelings toward me, but claims she is happy and tells her new man she loves him. But I CAN say this.... I saw some of her msges (I have an intercepter for her email, no I don't read them anymore) one day I got a hair up the ... nose and thought. "I'll just compare" .. the "I love yous" are NOTHING compared to what she gave me! She says "I love you" but in OUR emails... she'd always tag it with a reason why. Perhaps that'll be down the road, but right now it's some sort of comfort. 

 

I keep having very VERY vivid dreams, about the past, the past life we had.. the good stuff you know. Keeping me from sleeping, now I wake EVERY morning sad and depressed.  I have to find new ways each day to try and get past it all and do what needs to be done, daily.

 

I have sort of my own story now, which I am now ashamed of. A somewhat embarrassing thing I've done has caused some great damage. I am actually now healing from a vehicle wreck from the other night. I was just released and thinking back on things, I am starting to remember WHY I had the wreck and what caused it. When I feel well enough and find the courage, I'll post what I've done. 

Share this post


Link to post
btdt

How are you doing Dwayne?  

When I found your name I had to ask hope things are getting better for you. peace to you....

Share this post


Link to post
Fitby50

Hey Dwayne, I am sorry these poison drugs had such a horrible impact on your life and your wife.  I am angry too that our society is kept in the dark about how bad they can be for people.  I wish I would of been smarter about taking them and done more research before just blindly going along with my doctors.  Every person is affected differently when they take them and I truly believe your wife would of remained the same person if she never would of started the meds.  I hope your wife stays off the meds, and will some day be her old self once again.  She will wake up one day and wonder what she did to her life.  In the meantime you need to take care of yourself, maybe find some free counseling for someone to talk to and help you through this rough patch.  Tell them NO way, if they try and put you on this poison drugs.  Talk therapy can really be good, if you get the right person.  Try and find time to exercise and help release all the pain and anger you are having.  Enjoy time with your little girl as much as you can, they grow up so fast and she really needs you right now, so be strong for the both of you.  Life is so hard now while you are dealing with all of this, but it will be good once again, just keep telling yourself that.  God bless you and I will keep you in my prayers at night.

Share this post


Link to post
dewayne76

Bt, I am recovering from a stupid wreck that I had. There's a lot to the story I'm ashamed to admit at this time. Thanks for asking. My head feels better but my sides hurts from broken ribs and i'm having terrible cramp style pain in my stomach.

 

I keep getting lower and lower, then higher. The anger and bitterness took over. I couldn't take it anymore. I noticed one day, while having taken some Tramadol (sp?) for my back. I realized while driving pizzas one night that I didn't feel near as bad about my situation. So I tried it again, a few nights later with no pain. I was upset all day so I took some more. By that night I was feeling better. The next day I couldn't bring myself to feel as bad as I did the night before. Did it have time? I don't know. Cooincidence probably. But, a few days of this and I couldn't make myself cry. I tried thinking / imagining bad things that normally make me upset and I Just... simply didn't care. I imagined bad things happening to my daughter and how I'd react and I just.. didn't ... feel.

 

I noticed that with the pain, hatred and bitterness I had been blaming her, being loud about her (the ex) and calling her names like Wh#re and Ho. Telling myself, perhaps trying to convince myself she's just a Ho that I only THOUGHT grew up/out of being an immature girl. It was hard to remember the meds and the stories. Hard to keep believing it. Then.. I'd remember all the good things that happened for the last 2 years. (last 6 years of our 11 years together were awesome, terrific and NO it's not rose colored glasses telling me this... SHE was)  so then I'd get the super low, feeling like it'll never get better. I got angry with God. Stopped praying. I watched a boy get killed that didn't deserve it and I was just thinking... if he's there, he's not helping me.

 

Angry. That's how I am. At everything and everyone that has to do with these drugs. The companies, the lying. False advertising, the avoidance. And lastly, all of US!. Working 2 jobs, barely making ends meet w/o paying rent to my friend/roommate. And he's moving back in with his mom this month. I, will have nowhere to go. Homeless. I already can't see my daughter very much. We had everything, as much as any average family could need. We were doing great, the haunted house would've been sooo successful had this not happened.... going from that... to this. Very depressing.

 

Ty fitby50. I appreciate all the kindness. I'm letting go of some of the anger, but it's still very much in me. I appreciate the prayers and thoughts. Though I do not find comfort or faith in prayer anymore, I do appreciate it. I know, I shouldn't give up on it.... 

Share this post


Link to post
Altostrata

Dewayne, thanks for being so open here.

 

I'm going to move this topic to our Family and Friends forum. I think there's a lot here that has to do with our close relationships and attitudes towards them.

Share this post


Link to post
btdt

Thanks for letting me know your ok if not fine Dwayne hang in there.  

There were posts made on another site that you were taking ssri drugs too now.  Hope that is not true but if it is at least you know how to get off them if you choose to. Right?

Share this post


Link to post
dewayne76

Thanks guys. Yes, bt, that's the embarrassing part. I got so eat up with hate and anger... I couldn't stand it. The script I had gotten written, I had it filled. I let it sit for a while and for the longest time I thought "That's the stupidest thing I've done, wth's wrong with me"... Then I got really down one night. And I started. Same thing. 20mg of Citalopram. Just like the wife.

 

The main thinking was, the reason I'm here is bcause of a side effect. What's the chances? was my thinking. I was on them for a few weeks. It was up and down constantly, just as before, maybe worse. There were days I could deal and then there were days I couldn't and it seemed bad. But I was having issues already so I couldn't distinguish what was what. Long story short, I didn't think I was having any effect... until the other night.. MOnday? I think. I had a SUDDEN blast of thinking badly about the situation and w/o thinking 'about it'... I steered Mark's farm truck into a guard rail. Waking up in the hospital I didn't care... at first. Then I thought of Jordan, and I started thining .. "Why did I do that? was I really THAT down? Or was it the medicine???" 

I had written a long reply today but was a bit emotional after Jo leaving. Long story short, the ex was MUCH more ... well she was different. She had an epiphany of a few things. Her new 20yo BOYtoy is taking martial arts (a joke in itself... trust me) and she has a BAD knee and ankle. SHe said "I remembered I had a lot of trouble with my knee, lol. AFTER I hurt it trying a 1 leg take down. SO I backed off of training" She rememberd her BAD KNEE.... 'after'?  lol. Anyways, she seemed MUCH more caring. She said she was 'sorry' again about how things happened but was still apt about how she's happier now. I reminded her about the sex in the graveyard and other incidences that were very romantic and loving and her professing her love for me... and she seemed like she was remembering, having a reaction but didn't say anything.

 

She said she had been having lots of trouble sleeping. Eating. and no energy. Said she's been 'sick' a lot too. I asked her on the 'feeling bad' for everything she did.. and I slid in the 'cheating' part and her face instantly responded to it. I asked her "Can you actually FEEL or see the guilty feeling as growing, getting worse as time goes on?" And she simply said 'yes'. Then said "It's like I'm UP, then DOWN.. I get to wehre I Feel terrible about it, then it doesn't bother me"... EXACT words!

 

That's about it, just other more details.  I took a nap with Jordan today and when I woke my side was killing me and I wasn't feeling good at all when I wrote the reply... I guess I didn't hit send. Thanks for reading this long reply.. just I thought it had a lot to tell.What do you guys think about her responses and acting differently? Oh, she was touching me, on my head, hand and arm, when expressing concern about me not having a place to stay etc. She again said "I DO care, I'm sorry, I just don't care the way you want me to" (Again with expressing concern where as she'd never acted this way before.. " 

Share this post


Link to post
btdt

Thanks guys. Yes, bt, that's the embarrassing part. I got so eat up with hate and anger... I couldn't stand it. The script I had gotten written, I had it filled. I let it sit for a while and for the longest time I thought "That's the stupidest thing I've done, wth's wrong with me"... Then I got really down one night. And I started. Same thing. 20mg of Citalopram. Just like the wife.

 

The main thinking was, the reason I'm here is bcause of a side effect. What's the chances? was my thinking. I was on them for a few weeks. It was up and down constantly, just as before, maybe worse. There were days I could deal and then there were days I couldn't and it seemed bad. But I was having issues already so I couldn't distinguish what was what. Long story short, I didn't think I was having any effect... until the other night.. MOnday? I think. I had a SUDDEN blast of thinking badly about the situation and w/o thinking 'about it'... I steered Mark's farm truck into a guard rail. Waking up in the hospital I didn't care... at first. Then I thought of Jordan, and I started thining .. "Why did I do that? was I really THAT down? Or was it the medicine???"

 

I had written a long reply today but was a bit emotional after Jo leaving. Long story short, the ex was MUCH more ... well she was different. She had an epiphany of a few things. Her new 20yo BOYtoy is taking martial arts (a joke in itself... trust me) and she has a BAD knee and ankle. SHe said "I remembered I had a lot of trouble with my knee, lol. AFTER I hurt it trying a 1 leg take down. SO I backed off of training" She rememberd her BAD KNEE.... 'after'?  lol. Anyways, she seemed MUCH more caring. She said she was 'sorry' again about how things happened but was still apt about how she's happier now. I reminded her about the sex in the graveyard and other incidences that were very romantic and loving and her professing her love for me... and she seemed like she was remembering, having a reaction but didn't say anything.

 

She said she had been having lots of trouble sleeping. Eating. and no energy. Said she's been 'sick' a lot too. I asked her on the 'feeling bad' for everything she did.. and I slid in the 'cheating' part and her face instantly responded to it. I asked her "Can you actually FEEL or see the guilty feeling as growing, getting worse as time goes on?" And she simply said 'yes'. Then said "It's like I'm UP, then DOWN.. I get to wehre I Feel terrible about it, then it doesn't bother me"... EXACT words!

 

That's about it, just other more details.  I took a nap with Jordan today and when I woke my side was killing me and I wasn't feeling good at all when I wrote the reply... I guess I didn't hit send. Thanks for reading this long reply.. just I thought it had a lot to tell.

 

What do you guys think about her responses and acting differently? Oh, she was touching me, on my head, hand and arm, when expressing concern about me not having a place to stay etc. She again said "I DO care, I'm sorry, I just don't care the way you want me to" (Again with expressing concern where as she'd never acted this way before.. "

 

 

"She again said "I DO care, I'm sorry, I just don't care the way you want me to"

Found myself saying something similar while drugged "love you in my own way" I now right the acronym on the flowers I take to his grave.  Yes he died when I was still stuck in cold turkey.  And don't think the similarities her and your possible demise are not on my mind hard right this minute likely too hard for me to make a legitimate and objective comment.  

 

All I have to say Dwayne is none of us are invincible and non of us can resist the drug effects...no human can.  I am glad your still here it is a second chance.  Know your limits please if you can't deal protect yourself I don't know how to tell you to do it.  I just don't want you to destroy yourself.  Will maybe post later when I am more clear headed... know it takes a long time to start to have anything close to normal feelings again a long long time.  Peace to you Dwayne. 

Share this post


Link to post
dewayne76

Thank you. Yeah, I am still trying to move forward. I can't put my life on hold. She txted me and asked if I wanted to take stuff to daycare for Jordan to do a project for father's day. It got me really excited etc.. I stayed up all night (mainly from pain) to make sure I wasn't late getting it to daycare. I ended up txted the ex and seeing if she can swing by to take it for me. (worked late again)

 

She woke me up after only 1.5 hours asleep. I opened the door and then remembered what was going on. I gave her the stuff and she actually lingered in the doorway. Instead of "ok, we'll see ya" she stopped, acted like she wanted me to invite her in, but I didn't want to. I started to walk away, then I stopped, turned and noticed she still hadn't left / closed the door. I didn't look at her.. and she said.. "Uh.. bye?"  not in a bad/sarcastic way, she sounded like she was upset that I wasn't speaking to her more, or at least saying goodbye to her. >.. how can I put it. She didn't sound mad, sounded disappointed, like she wanted more interaction with me. 

Ohh well. My side is killing me, I can move around but can't move much weight. I'm back to work and even carrying pizzas is rough.

 

Medicine. The more I think about it, the more I believe I was influenced to trash the truck. I can't really recal WHAT I was thinking, or why. But... just the fact I... well, it feels like.. that phrase people say "Felt like the right thing to do at the time" . kinda scary. Not sure what to make of it. I don't want to 'pin it' on the meds unless I'm 100% sure.

 

Thanks again bt. I'll be fine, I'm sure. Take care.

 

Dewayne 

Share this post


Link to post
btdt

Take it easy and put yourself first while you heal.  Hang in there Dwayne all things end the good the bad all of it... so in time it will one way or another keep yourself safe and heal. As for the drugs we know they can do all kinds of things including memory problems and bad thought processes.  If your off them stay off and give yourself time.  Time heals all things or so they say... I am not so sure about that... it gets less painful but I am not sure that means it is healed. I have not great words of wisdom but have been thru my share of situations like this.  I am sure there are more to come as when I stopped taking these drugs other I loved didn't so am constantly braced waiting for the other shoe to fall. I hope you have a wonderful fathers day... it sure is something to look forward to and am happy you were excited by the prospect of your daughter making you something special.  I can say having a child has kept me here on this earth without that I am not sure I would be here... she is a gift to you don't let anything take the joy of her from you.  Peace to you Dwayne. 

Share this post


Link to post
dewayne76

Thanks BT.I posted on the other forum about this but thought I'd put it here too.My ex came by for a bit today to get the rest of the kiddo's toys etc.

Long story short she described to me what I think was a window. She said she had been depressed, up and down a lot lately etc. Not as 'happy' as she tried to convince everyone. She said "I recently was very depressed and was down and I tried working around the house which normally helps (I know this is true from living with her) and that didn't even help. So I thought 'wow this is bad' and I started thinking about how you may have been right about the medicine and making these changes in my mind"She later recanted and said she didn't think it was the medicine, just said that because she thought at the time it was the medicine.

She did also say that "I know that the drug made me do things completely out of character for me and things I'd swore I'd never do/never do again etc.. " and ended with "..but I can't help how I feel. I still don't want 'us' fixed. I'm happy now. I'm happy about everything BUT YOU"Let me write this to you. This is from the Christmas card she wrote to me just 8 months prior to her changing personalities:

 

"Baby, I love you so very much and am incredibly happy with you and our life together. I want you to know, nothing will ever change that. I hope you enjoy your Christmas and gifts. And always know that I love you so very much. I'm so proud of you. I love you more than anything, your loving wife"that's about it for the update.Any opinions?? 

Share this post


Link to post
btdt

Thanks BT.I posted on the other forum about this but thought I'd put it here too.My ex came by for a bit today to get the rest of the kiddo's toys etc.

Long story short she described to me what I think was a window. She said she had been depressed, up and down a lot lately etc. Not as 'happy' as she tried to convince everyone. She said "I recently was very depressed and was down and I tried working around the house which normally helps (I know this is true from living with her) and that didn't even help. So I thought 'wow this is bad' and I started thinking about how you may have been right about the medicine and making these changes in my mind"She later recanted and said she didn't think it was the medicine, just said that because she thought at the time it was the medicine.

She did also say that "I know that the drug made me do things completely out of character for me and things I'd swore I'd never do/never do again etc.. " and ended with "..but I can't help how I feel. I still don't want 'us' fixed. I'm happy now. I'm happy about everything BUT YOU"Let me write this to you. This is from the Christmas card she wrote to me just 8 months prior to her changing personalities:

 

"Baby, I love you so very much and am incredibly happy with you and our life together. I want you to know, nothing will ever change that. I hope you enjoy your Christmas and gifts. And always know that I love you so very much. I'm so proud of you. I love you more than anything, your loving wife"that's about it for the update.Any opinions?? 

This is what she really feels and thinks can't knock her being honest but we know better don't we... just because she has had a drug dance does not negate everything in her life she is having some doubts now they start like that they are small...even fighting hard to get to clarity I could not fight my brain chemistry... like asking a person to walk who has not legs...not only is it extremely frustrating for you to watch but the chance of success is nil... you would not tho them in a lake either tho... even if they think they can swim.. they may thro themselves in and all you can do is watch or scream at them not to do it... we can't control all.  

 

She is getting a glimpse if she stays off the drugs it will increase the glimpses will become more often and more indepth... it takes one hell of a long time.  all this is done while trying to have a life with an injured brain you don't see all the **** on the inside...memory organizing issues even if we think we were good at this before and still think we are... lol... the mistakes will become so blaring you can't ignore it once you start to get well... and you don't see them right away either the same is true of other healing...

 

She can't see it... the mistakes are there... but her awareness of them is slight it will increase as time goes on and energy premits. it takes a lot of energy to raise a kid with a brain that is messed up... lots you over look cause you don't have the energy.  

 

She is seeing some changes and not investing any energy into finding out about side effects or withdrawal... can't make her.  

At least she is telling you the truth... even when she said she did not love you she did not feel it she has no idea a drug can make you stop feeling love... but if she should notice her feelings for her daughter have changed as well that may peak some curiousity.. again a huge taboo to a mother admitting that... so don't hold your breath.  Some times it is easier to wait and however long it takes for her to get there by herself nobody really ever learns anything from the outside in they just recognize is when another mentions what they already know... too bad she does not talk at withdrawal sites or read there as I bet she would see things she does not think are drug related but are.  She has to do the work herself it is her work.

Share this post


Link to post
dewayne76

Thanks again.

 

  Yeah, I understand. she's so brutally honest at everything it seems, especially if it hurts me. That's why it's so hard for me to believe one way or the other, when she tells me she's off the medicine and not on anything else. I asked her if she happened to be on any mood stablizers or anything and she said "No. Since I started my insurance at work I can't go to the old place (Christian clinic that's cheap, you must not have insurance or something to go there) I haven't taken the meds cus I couldn't even afford them if I wanted to"

 

I agree. I don't know / see whats going on behind closed doors. Doors only closed to me. If I could just get financial situations better for me, to where I could keep my daughter for a week at a time like I'm supposed/ allowed to... I'm sure that would help tremendously too! Especially when Jo and I start doing things we all three did before... however she wasn't talking that much 'back then'. :(  

I spoke with my mom. She again said another conversation with her former DIL, that she hasn't mentioned her boyfriend or anything and still talks differently. Doesnt' tell her she loves her anymore, doesn't call her 'mom' anymore either (Her mother died when she was 5, she had always been very happy to call my mother 'mom' )A friend of mine saw her at her work (Burger King) she txted me. Said "HOLY COW you were right! I didn't know she was THAT different..." and went on about how rude and mean she was with the person taking her order etc. Said 'that is NOT the marcy I know.. omg this is scary!"

 

I only wish/hope her family notices some.. but again, we didn't get to spend a LOT of time with her family. They were always fighting amongst themselves and we just wanted to stay out of the drama. 

Share this post


Link to post
dewayne76

Thought I would update here too. The other day was my bday and  there was an incident. Basically my ex sent me a txt 'from my daughter' saying 'happy birthday' It was cool and all but I just had this 'feeling' like I get and again, I wasn't wrong. My mom put her up to it. However when I called out the ex on it, I didn't know for sure. I just assumed. She was all pissy and everything.

 

"I am NOT on any drugs except for "God's Love''. Told me that the only thing broken between us was her and she's fixed now. "and I am NOT going back to the 'old me' period. If that's all and w/e you want, then you need to just forget about it. Go, find someone else to be happy with. I'm a great person now, great aunt, sister, friend, Christian and girlfriend. The only bad influence I have now is my nephew and he's getting his life back together like I did. I won't be calling unless it's for your daughter.

She's had an episode a week ago or so that I thought was a window and it seems immediately afterwards she's turned back to her cold hearted, self centered self once again.

IS there any of you that knows this story that can tell me if you think she could come back? Looking for opinions, I know it's possible.. .guess I just like to hear opinions. I'm fighting so hard right now to not give up :( Thanks for your time. 

Share this post


Link to post
dmpjhp

Would she agree to hang out with you with no expectations of a relationship other than co parents and friendship?

Maybe she feels pressure every time she is with you. Friendship may be all she can give right now.

My situation is certainly not great, but H does MUCH better when feelings are not even discussed. Its like he can relax, and I always hope he will realize how we used to be together.

She seems very determined to tell you how is NOT going to be. Maybe if she knew you were not expecting anything, she wouldn't be so defensive.

Just a thought.

Happy birthday:)

Share this post


Link to post
dewayne76

Thanks dmpjhp.

 

Yeah, I thought about that but it's so hard. When she's around, most of the time she's already uptight. She said "I liked you better when you were with Heather..." But she only met with me once or twice while I was dating that girl. I don't think she realized this. She made it sound like it was such a huge difference, yet it wasn't. She still acts like her thoughts are so distorted. Like the truth isn't really truth etc. She sees things, says things etc that aren't true but swears by them.

I have tried to be selective in what is said and acted, but we only see each other to swap the kiddo out or something and she always cries. Not because she doesn't want to be there but because she knows she'll have to leave and doesn't want to be away from me. So when I can see her acting out this way it bangs in everything into my heart and mind and I get upset. I want to look at her and say "WTF are you even thinking? Do you not see how this is hurting her??" .. but I don't/didn't.

 

I believe what she had was a window. She would NEVER have admitted the medicine had a part in it. Now that I think about it, It's a significant turn that she even admits that the medicine made her do things out of character of her. That was a huge step. Then for her to admit that for a few days she was wondering if I was right all along about the medicine? All of it? Yeah, that's a window in my mind. But now she's so cold and hurtful again. It's such a roller coaster and I'm so tired of riding it. 

Share this post


Link to post
dmpjhp

If it was a window, and it may well have been, then she will have more. Waiting is torture, I know, Im right there with you. Thats all I seem to do. It makes me angry that my life seems on hold, but it is my choice to keep the faith.

Every day is one step closer in getting through this mess, one way or the other.

Hope you dont mind. I said a prayer for your situation.

Share this post


Link to post
dewayne76

Don't mind at all, in fact I'm dam grateful. I only wish I could remain faithful. I keep turning because I'm so dam angry ya know. I've cussed at him, yelled at him, begged him... no response. I'd give anything if he'd just strike me with a lightning bolt lol.

 

I'm reading some joel osteen books my mother gave me. Boy they're uplifting etc , but it leaves me quickly. (after reading)>  I believe it was a window. Because if you heard her defend how it was NOT the medicine and everything she done was 'sooo her decisions' then you'd be there with me lol. it was aweful. THEN to hear her say that she was thinking for a bit that I could've been right? Ooh boy. I guess I was just so shocked I forgot how to be excited about it.

 

I know about the putting your life on hold. If they're worth it, you'll do it, they said. however, I also know how difficult it is. Doesn't mean they're not worth it.

 

I'm gonna try to keep my head up. However, I've been put in a predicament with a sort of g/f. She admitted she's fallen so deeply in love with me... she was crying etc. She's gorgeous. Got a beautiful body, loves everything I do etc... but there's complications and all that jazz. Sooo scared that I may say "it's time to move on" and get on with this girl, THEN the ex 'wakes up' and tells me she's sorry and all that jazz and tell me she wants to put the family back together. 

This stuff is very difficult for ALL parties involved. :( 

Share this post


Link to post
dmpjhp

God isn't striking you dead because you are in the middle of your movie, not the end. Please keep talking to Him, He would rather you beg, yell and scream than turn away from Him.

Okay, enough preaching, lol.

Dont know how I would handle dating another person. Hard to do when your heart isn't in it, but it gives you something to plan and look forward to and you are certainly free to do that.

Next time you see your ex, try to engage in "safe" conversation. Ask her about a recipe, or laundry. Sounds corny, but it changes the relationship to a friendship level and may catch her off guard. Has worked well for me, who knows, maybe she will respond to it.

Share this post


Link to post
dewayne76

Yeah, maybe. Thanks for the movie analogy, I'm all about movies lol.

 

I still talk to him, lol. That's for sure. My biggest thing about her finding religion again, is we were becoming those kinda people that were entertaining the ideas of being created from neanderthalls etc. Nah, don't go nutty on me, we were just realists and looking at ALL theories. Some were just for fun, fun to research etc. We looked at scientology and tried to figure out how and why someone would do that, things of that nature, you know. We were believing god exists, but not as traditional Christians believed. We also believed god doesn't interfere with our lives, if he did, it'd trump over 'freewill'. So now comes to my worry, she's all about saying 'God forgave me and that's all I need'. I'm so scared that this will keep her from feeling the regret and/ or wanting and needing forgiveness from me. No, it's not near as important, but if she did, it'd help bring her back home. :/

 

Thanks again. 

Share this post


Link to post
dmpjhp

Or, on the flip side; if she has truly found God, He may lead her back to you. Eternal optimist!

Just know Ill keep praying to HIM about your situation. :)

Share this post


Link to post
dewayne76

I have thought of that and I sure hope so.

 

I do appreciate your support, it's very nice.

I was just sitting here wondering, do many medicated/ ex medicated 'return' after making such a hard decision like this? I mean, after all the 'back and forth'?

 

I could look but the internet is shotty right now and I'm fixing to play some Battlefield 3 to cheer up, lol. (if the internet is good enough to even play the game)

 

Dewayne

Share this post


Link to post
dmpjhp

Or, on the flip side; if she has truly found God, He may lead her back to you. Eternal optimist!

Just know Ill keep praying to Him about your situation. :)

Share this post


Link to post
dewayne76

yeah, i was thinking / hoping the same thing. Maybe. I don't think so. It doesn't feel like it. She doesn't txt me, doesn't call me. Acts like she wants to pretend that part of her life didn't happen. SAYS she's sorry that things happened the way they did, but is glad and happy. SAYS she wants to help me get through for my daughter's sake, but no shake of the stick. Just the bark of the dog. A while back, ( i don't think i mentioned this here on this site) she and I were talking on the phone. I was still sleeping in my truck at the time (was a fwe weeks ago) and she started crying, while talking about my situation. As soon as it happened, just a few minutes later, she shut it off. I could hear it in her voice. It was as if a demon is posessing her and crept back up, pushed her real soul / self back down. Burying her again. 

 

She SWEARS that she's off the medicine. and I think she is, because twice now I've said things like "You know that I said if you were still taking the medicine I'd quit bugging you, right? All you gotta do is admit it" (because it would be easier for me I think if she was still on the medicine) And she still holds to it, that she's only on her birth control shot and vitamins. 

 

I asked her to not making any harsh decisions for a while, but then again, she divorced me. keeping me from seeing my daughter (its all 50/50 on custody but I can't see her because of where Im living, no money, no job etc. yeah, lost my job :(   )  

 

It's hard. I've tried the faith thing, tried praying, and I just can't seem to feel any relief or any improvement, tho I feel like there is some improvement in her. My niece now told me the other day after hanging out with the ex and her new 20 yo boyfriend. She said she doesn't lke her anymore. She use to LOVE my wife. She said "shes like shes trying to act more mature, or something. shes just not the same" is her exact phrase. I don't know how she gets the 'acting more mature', maybe she was playing on the fact that she said 'TRYING TO ACT' more mature. Idk. She's not the same. she's pulling my daughter away, my daughter's not the same. I've missed the last year of my daughter being a baby. I'm missing so much of her life and it's wrecking me mentally. 

 

.... that's all i have. Sorry it's been a while, but trying to get through

Share this post


Link to post
johnson

Hi Dewayne,

 

I read your story. I don't really know what to say. I've been going through my own trials and tribulations

but not like what you have been through. For me and my situation my big question was always "why"?

Why did this happen. Please read this link below. It may help you understand and learn why things in

life happened the way they did.

 

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/why-we-dont-always-get-what-we-want/

 

I hope it helps a bit, it did for me.

Take care of yourself.

Share this post


Link to post
dewayne76

I read that, and seems like i've read it before somewhere. You know, I believe in most of that stuff and I know it helps a lot of people. But I believe I am too broken.

I went through all the past facebook msgs and emails etc that she and I shared. I was looking for clues that I may have missed... there's nothing. we truly had it great. She was in love with me, begging me to take her to graveyards (we had an erotic episode there once and was wanting to do it again) etc. Always playing, joking. telling each other how much we loved them. 

 

The only back and forth i see now, is the fact that she goes from 'yes the meds changed me but i like who i am now, i'm sorry' to 'i guess i hid more things and hid them better than i thought. things that ate at me for so long. ' ..but consistantly saying 'i don't want to be with you. move on. find someone else'. 

 

I feel all the anger and bitterness welling up again. I can't stand it. I dont' think that once someone is changed this far from the drugs, there's no coming back. I need to get off all these sites. Not much activity anymore anyways. Try to forget that I had a great life, a great wife and family. Pretend it didn't happen and just live, waiting till the end. 

Share this post


Link to post
johnson

Again I don't know what it's like being in your shoes, so forgive me for what I write here.

But perhaps she was always feeling this way inside and maybe the drugs sort of encouraged that and helped her bring that

side of her out?

Did you ever hear the term a drunk person speaks a sober man's thoughts?

Maybe it's the same here. I don't know I am just trying to help you understand if possible and figure out why this happened.

Share this post


Link to post
dewayne76

No. Absolutely not. We had worked out all our problems 6-7 years ago. The last 6 years of our relationship were terrific. We got back to doing our date nights, meeting for lunch, sharing intimate thoughts on a regular basis, we had all of the conversations we should've been having. I'd ask her sometimes, and sometimes she'd come to me. But on most occasions she'd come to me, tell me how happy she was, how much she loved me and lucky to have me in her life. Wait, her 2012 Christmas card is here somewhere.... 

 

"Baby, I love you so very much and am incredibly happy with you and our life together and nothing can ever change that. I hope you enjoy your gifts and always know, that I will love you forever. Your loving wife"

 

... the rest is on the back and very personal, you don't get that :P

 

But, this card, wasn't anything special. We had this type of 'telling of our love' all the time. We had been through our troubled times. We put in our work, we put in all the time and effort to get to that perfect spot where we both realized that we only had eyes for each other. 

 

The day we went to the bank to sell her inherited house, I stopped her and asked her "baby, before I let you sell your home, the one you inherited by your mother's passing when you was 6 years old, I need to know, if you are completely happy with me, our marriage and our lives together".... basically said the same thing. "I'm 110% happy with us. Nothing's going to change that. I love you so much and am incredibly lucky to have you staying by my side. If anything< i should be worried about you leaving me!" she put her hand on my cheek and said "Baby, I love you, we're fine! Let's go do this and write the next chapter of our lives together"

 

That was 2 months before she started Citalopram... her dr. wanna be gave her for chest pains she said was from work stress. 

I KNOW what we had pre-meds...this isn't her. She's completely changed. 8 months off and she's still very adament about starting her life 'anew'. 

Share this post


Link to post

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

Terms of Use Privacy Policy