☼ SorrowExpert -- thought I was damaged for life, but I'm not.

[mammaP]

Glad things are getting better for you SE . 

[Ellen042]

I've not taken Zyprexa before, but I have taken other atypical antipsychotics through the years (Abilify, Risperdal, then Geodon).  Doc says I MAY have bipolar disorder and wanted to guard against any psychosis.  Both Risperdal and Geodon are sedating like Zyprexa.  I successfully tapered off Risperdal and Geodon without a psychotic break, but I had the very same fears and symptoms you have: fear of insomnia leading to psychosis, hospitalization, and forced drugging.  I can't nap either, and my fear of not sleeping gets worse and worse as nightfall approaches, then increases even more as the hours pass through the night with no sleep.  Here's my tuppence worth: nortriptyline (or amitriptyline, either one) works FAR better for sleep in my case than trazodone, ambien, or antipsychotics.  I've taken nortriptyline for the past 30 years (75mg) without ever having to increase the dose, and with only temporary dry mouth and constipation as side effects.  Puts me to sleep and keeps me asleep.  Yes, I did try one time to come off it, and succeeded, but the original insomnia came back. So I'm back on it again.  Insomnia runs in my family, and I've just accepted that I need it.  Sure beats addictive drugs like antipsychotics!  Perhaps you could talk with your doctor about temporarily using it to get off the Zyprexa. Just a thought.

[basildev]

insomnia ---> anxiety ---> panic ---> psychosis --> hospitalization ---> forced drugging ---> ruining of years worth of slow tapering

 

SorrowExpert, I TOTALLY get this - this thought process was happening to me back in June/July. Fortunately it subsided, along with many other of my symptoms. I really believe this obsessive worrying about sleep is in and of itself a withdrawal symptom.

 

Try not to turn to Ambien or benzos to relieve your insomnia. I did this with valium and now, after only taking 7 X 5mg pills and 1 X 2.5 mg intermittently over a period of 3 months, I had to deal with valium withdrawal on top of everything else.

 

I believe if I hadn't resorted to valium I would have been healed by now.

 

I think when your CNS is already compromised with A/D withdrawal it can be really easy to form a dependence on another substance.

 

*sigh* the only thing that has helped for me is time.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

Edited January 24, 2014 by Petu
fixed text

[GiaK]

I've got a post with a long list of stuff that I use at various times...sometimes in unison other times in combination...see if any of it resonates...all of it takes time and helps a little...no miracles here, but they've all saved me at one time or another:

 

http://beyondmeds.co...p-for-insomnia/

 

see this too: 

 

http://beyondmeds.co...08/11/insomnia/

 

all of it together it a lot to look at...take one link a day...there really are lots of suggestions there. 

[Altostrata]

Thanks for your comments, Ellen. I would avoid recommending taking any antidepressant to counter withdrawal syndrome of any type. We do not see consistent results from that. Sometimes it makes symptoms worse.

 

Please also look into the theory that an atypical antipsychotic will keep bipolar disorder from progressing to psychosis. That seems faulty to me on many levels.

[SorrowExpert]

Things have been going very badly the past two weeks.  Something about the wintertime coming on has completely thrown my nervous system off and I've been having terrible trouble sleeping again.  Even at the best of times, my nervous system has been extremely sensitive, and the insomnia has just begun to destroy everything.  Without regular sleep, I'm finished! My sleep schedule is all messed up so I'm not waking up until 6 pm, and I just spend the whole night shaking from the anxiety, feeling like I'm going to die.  Sometimes I have to take extra medication to get to sleep, and then I get terrified of causing a kindling reaction in my nervous system that lands me in the hospital.  But it's either that or not sleep at all.  The anxiety is destroying any ability I might have had to sleep otherwise...I just feel like I'm dying all the time.  The derealization is out of control...I fear I may be hospitalized again.  I don't think I'll survive it...I think I may have to reinstate, or raise my dose of medication way up.  I just don't know what to do.  My parents are here with me, and are supporting me, and we're trying to figure out the best course of action.  I've tried increasing my dose of medication somewhat and it just doesn't seem to be helping...this thing has kind of snowballed out of control.  I'll probably have to reinstate at a full dose, but that will mean I'll be on the medication for life....why did I ever try to come off this stuff. I don't think it can be done.

 

Edit: We're contacting my nurse practitioner tomorrow to talk about raising the dose of my medication, at least for now.  I don't think I have any other choice.  I have taken Depakote in the past for a while and he my recommend adding that back.  At this point I would agree to do it, for the sake of avoiding hospitalization.  The symptoms I've been having seem to be well beyond normal withdrawal stuff for me, and feels like some kind of agitated depression.

[NoMeaning25]

I experience the exact same thing. I have extremely severe DR/DP for 16 straight months now and i have NOT gone psychotic. I fear psychosis on a regular basis, but it has NOT happened, so i tell myself if it hasnt happened yet, there is NO WAY it will happen in future.

 

DR/DP is extremely scary, i know. Im living in this hell 24/7, but you CAN NOT get psychosis from it. Absolutely not. Please dont worry. Everything will start getting better for you, dont loose hope!!!!!!

 

 

I've been withdrawing from Zyprexa, and am down to a very low dose of the medication (~0.2 mg, signature needs updating again).  In some ways I've recently had big improvements in my symptoms - the pain seems less, the agoraphobia has been better, and my energy is improved.  Unfortunately there's a big problem - I can't sleep.  I've had serious insomnia every night for about 2 weeks now, and though I'm again holding right where I am on my taper, it doesn't seem to be getting much better.  So none of these improvements make a damn bit of difference if I can't sleep!  

 

The withdrawal symptoms I do have are cruel in that they increase in intensity throughout the day, and are worst when I'm trying to go to bed.  If I don't fall asleep IMMEDIATELY after I get into bed, they keep increasing in intensity until I feel like I'm on the verge of psychosis and have to take a small amount of extra medication to calm things down and get to sleep.  But I can't always do this, or I'll become dependent on the higher dose!  I haven't heard of anyone else with withdrawal symptoms that build up as one gets tired like this.  Why does this happen to me?

 

Even when I get just 6 hours, I feel absolutely miserable, my derealization/depersonalization is off the scale, and get afraid that I'm going to develop psychosis and end up back in the hospital.  

 

I've read other horror stories besides mine about coming off this medication, and I keep thinking about the progression:

 

insomnia ---> anxiety ---> panic ---> psychosis --> hospitalization ---> forced drugging ---> ruining of years worth of slow tapering

 

So when I try to sleep it feels like I have a gun to my head saying "Fall asleep NOW, or this progression WILL happen."  And of course this prevents me from sleeping.

 

I've had to use tricks lately to get to sleep: taking a little extra medication, taking an antihistamine, taking some Trazodone, using an Ambien, etc.

 

Does anyone have any advice?

[SorrowExpert]

Thanks for replying.  I sure wish I was medication free as you are, but for the time being that goal seems impossible for me.   I'm hoping that we can stabilize my situation without ending up in the hospital, but things are just very intense right now and it seems to have come on with the darkness and cold weather.  

[Altostrata]

That's interesting. Maybe you have a bit of seasonal sensitivity. Have you tried a light box?

[SorrowExpert]

That's interesting. Maybe you have a bit of seasonal sensitivity. Have you tried a light box?

 

I have one now, and I've started using it.  

[Rhiannon]

Try to be very regular about your schedule with the light box (same time every day). I would also add in some exercise, either indoors with light or outdoors, depending on what works for you. Keep a very regular schedule with that as well. Keep the exercise gentle, not too stimulating.

 

Also try to be very methodical about your use of meds--I notice you mention taking extra to help with sleep. Rather than arbitrarily adding some in here and there inconsistently, it's probably better to just updose a small amount consistently--just take a little more, but take it every day, at the same time. Going up and down on dosages, fluctuating, can bring on withdrawal symptoms. It's better to keep the dosages as level and consistent as possible (same amounts same time every day).

 

I would try this approach first--simple lifestyle tweaks (light, exercise) combined with rigorous consistency in medication dosing, possibly a very small updose, and a regular daily schedule as much as possible. Give that a couple of months before considering going to the doctor and getting back on meds.

 

Remember, as someone pointed out in your thread a few posts back, those thoughts and feelings and ruminations of hopelessness and dread and despair are actually symptoms of withdrawal. If you hold your taper and take care of yourself in nurturing ways as above, they will improve. 

 

There's nothing wrong with going as slowly as it takes. Far better to take a long time to get off the meds successfully than to go too fast and end up not getting off them at all. Take a break from tapering for a while, focus on stabilizing and nurturing and healthy type lifestyle tweaks. Good luck and keep us posted!

[Altostrata]

And don't overdo it with the light box! Some people are so sensitive, too much exposure can be activating in an unpleasant way.

 

Start low and go slow.

[SorrowExpert]

Try to be very regular about your schedule with the light box (same time every day). I would also add in some exercise, either indoors with light or outdoors, depending on what works for you. Keep a very regular schedule with that as well. Keep the exercise gentle, not too stimulating.

 

Also try to be very methodical about your use of meds--I notice you mention taking extra to help with sleep. Rather than arbitrarily adding some in here and there inconsistently, it's probably better to just updose a small amount consistently--just take a little more, but take it every day, at the same time. Going up and down on dosages, fluctuating, can bring on withdrawal symptoms. It's better to keep the dosages as level and consistent as possible (same amounts same time every day).

 

I would try this approach first--simple lifestyle tweaks (light, exercise) combined with rigorous consistency in medication dosing, possibly a very small updose, and a regular daily schedule as much as possible. Give that a couple of months before considering going to the doctor and getting back on meds.

 

Remember, as someone pointed out in your thread a few posts back, those thoughts and feelings and ruminations of hopelessness and dread and despair are actually symptoms of withdrawal. If you hold your taper and take care of yourself in nurturing ways as above, they will improve. 

 

There's nothing wrong with going as slowly as it takes. Far better to take a long time to get off the meds successfully than to go too fast and end up not getting off them at all. Take a break from tapering for a while, focus on stabilizing and nurturing and healthy type lifestyle tweaks. Good luck and keep us posted!

 

I've started to updose on the medication and unfortunately it doesn't seem to be helping yet.  I had another night with basically no sleep, and if I can't sleep soon I'll be in the hospital for sure.  I think about stories of people going night after night without sleep and becoming completely catatonic.  When I go nearly 2 days without sleep, what choice do I have but to take an extra dose of medication?  Maybe by doing so I've already screwed things up beyond the point of no return.  Unfortunately, my brain is far more damaged than most, I've been housebound for years with severe symptoms that aren't showing any signs of letting up.   I know that if they put me on medication again in the hospital, I'll be on it for life, in terrible pain, forever.  This really fuels my anxiety.  

 

I think I need to discuss the option with my parents of being put in some kind of long term care facility if I become hospitalized again.

[bubble]

dear SE,

 

I understand so well the horror and despair of that diagram you drew.

 

I understand each of us is unique and we best know what works for us. But there seem to be some contradictions in your reasoning (the same as mine):that once I've dropped beyond a certain level,updosng woul ruin all the hard work.

 

As I understand Rhi she is saying (what she told me as well) that if we updose one day we should stay there,not go down the next day and then up some time later again.

 

Also it takes at least 4 days (as I understood from reading here) for updose to register.

 

I fully understand how the prospect of hositalisation changes the whole picture. But why go to hospital in the first place?what can they do for you there except drugging? As far as I understand, you are lucky to have around understanding and supportive parents. So if it comes to worse, aren't you better off with them.

 

Somebody wrote to you that our extreme feelings even those of derealisation don't develop into a psychotic break out.so can we at least rule that one out?

 

And let's go to the beginning of your diagram where it all starts: insomnia. Let's explore everything you can do to address that and please forget about the rest of the diagram.

 

I can't copy the tread on insomnia because I'm typing from my phone but have you tried out the tips there? I understand your symptoms are quite severe but even with them little things might make a difference.

 

The main message is:updose as a matter of harm reduction, AND stay at that dose even if you feel slightly better the next day. Stay and hold. Give it some time.

 

Especially,forget about the rest of the diagram:it won't happen!

 

I'll be waiting for your update.

 

Big hug,

 

bubble

[SorrowExpert]

Thanks Bubble.  I'm staying at my dose and holding - hoping for some improvement soon.

[bubble]

I sooo much wish it for you!

 

For me it took a long time and I'm still far from feeling the way I felt before discontinuing Lexapro,almost 3 months after reinstating.but I almost instantly felt a slight relief and then little windows started happening.

 

Winter is always very,very hard for me. Walking in nature is my min cure. 13 years ago,shortly before I made a mistake to ask my pdoc to put me on an AD I was in a horrible state:3 months of panic attacks,unable to leave bed,let alone the house.

 

Then my aunt came, saw what state I was enough and took me with her to a small town on the foot of a hill. she asked me to go and walk with her in the woods. i thought the anxiety in my head would explode in the open space and make me lose my mind completely. i was shaking and trembling but she was adamant and I had no alternative so I walked with her in the woods. Every day,for 2 weeks I think. At first, I couldn't feel anything or notice anything around me, but after a while I began to notice and feel the leaves, smells and found it so soothing. i began picking pieces of myself...

 

But I went on AD to give it a try ;(

 

every time I go to pieces, instead of going to hospital, I go to my aunt and we walk and walk and walk. So far my big mistake was visiting my pdoc who would updose my meds. Although i felt it wasn't the meds that pulled me up but nature, walking, country life, positive people, moving away from stress...

 

Just wanted to share this with you. Physica activity produces chemicals we so badly need and even when I feel like I can't put one foot before the other I make myself go. 10 mins is not enough in my case. it usually takes an hour at least to notice incredible although short-lived change in my brain.I've been physically ill for over a month:viral infection, fever,then diarrhea, bladder infection...otherwise I'd be out walking in the cold...

 

While you are waiting, could you check symptoms and self-care section to see what is there on offer to alleviate your pain?

 

Big hug,

bubble

[Meimeiquest]

SE, what was your highest dose of Zyprexa?

[wulfgar]

Hi SorrowExpert.

 

I so feel for you! Insomnia is a terrible beast! Our sleep is influenced by so many things, and it is difficult to find what parameters influence it the most.

 

This is what i believe have helped me the most but it might or might not apply in your case:

 

Have your checked your vitamin D level? A very low vitamin d level adds to insomnia and much more. If you are not low <40 ng/ml or deficient <30 ng/ml supplement might not help. This is the time of year when it starts to get low. I was hospitalized dec-jan last year when my insomnia got real bad. 11 days with only 6 hours of sleep. They figured it was stress related which i did not believe, and upped all my meds, tried new ones, and messed me up more. Managed to get out after 10 days by lying about how much i slept. Got hocked on benzo also then and where sleeping 2-3 hours. Got hold of a nice non PDoc who checked my vit D level and I where deficient, and after supplementing for a few weeks my sleep increased by aprox 2 hours per night. Going from an average of 2-3 hour to about 4-5 hours. Not a lot but for me a big difference. Back to my previous amount of sleep and i was able to resume my taper starting my mirtazapine taper again.

 

Vitamin D should be taken in the morning, and if you are very low you need to start supplementing low dose and increase slowly, increasing to fast and it will become stimulating and might worsen sleep. Vitamin D is actually a hormone needed for many things including sleep. Some people get the opposite reaction initially when supplementing so be careful if you decide to supplement.

 

Best wishes,

Wulfgar

 

PS: I don't recommend starting vitamin D if/when your sleep is at its worst. If you try vitamin D, do it when there is a margin to the bottom at least. Having your vitamin D level taken though does no harm.

[Ellen042]

Hi SE.  I'm so sorry you're feeling so horrible and hopeless.  It would seem to me that at least part of the hopelessness could well be due to the withdrawal itself.  Try to recognize that fact, and maybe you'll feel a tiny bit better. 

 

I'm always saddened to hear of people ending up in the hospital, and I must confess that it makes me mad too.  I recall at the age of 27 a shrink wanted to put me in the hospital for depression, and I told him "over my dead body", got up and left, and never went back to him.  My understanding, which could be wrong or could vary from state to state, is that hospitalization can't be forced unless you're suicidal or homicidal.  I most certainly was neither, and it sounds like you're neither as well.  Maybe you could check into this for your state, and then at least you wouldn't have to dread the possibility of being hospitalized against your own will. 

 

Forced hospitalization just seems inhumane, unless of course the goal is to protect your life or someone else's life.  And the forced drugging I hear so many speaking of seems like the most inhumane part of all.  Call me nieve, but it never even occurred to me that a doctor could FORCE you to take drugs against your will before I found this site.  If you're not feeling suicidal or homicidal, why can't you just say no thank you?  I apologize if I'm being completely misunderstanding here, but I don't want anyone forcing poison down your body.  I'm angry that that's happened to you already.  Appalling that you were forced back on Zyprexa when you had just nearly tapered off it.  I'm so sorry.  So from one non-understanding patient to another, I feel for you and completely get your anger and frustration for being forced to take drugs.  Hospitals shouldn't be prisons.  I though we had come past the dark ages of insane asilums(sp?).  I'm so very sorry. 

[Altostrata]

I know it seems impossible, but those of us who suffer sleep disruption from withdrawal syndrome have found (to our amazement), we can tolerate a very long time without sleep, and even function, though not at the highest level.

 

While sleeplessness is scary, going into the hospital will result in only one solution: More drugs. Please think hard if you want this.

[SorrowExpert]

I know it seems impossible, but those of us who suffer sleep disruption from withdrawal syndrome have found (to our amazement), we can tolerate a very long time without sleep, and even function, though not at the highest level.While sleeplessness is scary, going into the hospital will result in only one solution: More drugs. Please think hard if you want this.

 

It's even more scary for me.  My nervous system is so messed up that even small amounts of sleep deprivation cause intense anxiety and severe derealization.  Going 30+ hours without sleep and I feel almost psychotic, I start to to feel like I don't exist and my brain is going haywire, like I'm getting neuroleptic malignant syndrome, and I imagine myself in the hospital ICU dying with a high fever and the doctors not knowing what to do.  Going without sleep like that I can literally feel death closing around me.  I mean, even on "good days" I often feel physically like death immediately after a full nights sleep.  I was doing much better in the summer, I had some insomnia then but I seemed to deal with it easier somehow.  The winter has really taken me down.

 

Lately, on the days that this doesn't happen and I do get rest, I just sit around in a high anxiety state waiting for the next time I "die."  

 

Apparently a consequence of my drug history is that my fight or flight response has been somehow locked in the "on" position; nervous system is constantly overactive and I can always feel it firing, firing, firing.  I think there's been some severe damage to the GABA system.

 

Since it seems impossible to come off drugs without experiencing insomnia, and that experience is so terrible, I'm no longer sure coming off is possible for me anymore.

[Laqiya]

Hi SorrowExpert,

 

I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time right now.

 

I also had similar insomnia symptoms as you describe when trying to get off. Just know that it passes in time.

 

Like Edted has said If you can try reconnecting to whatever makes you happy and comforted it might be helpful, even if that is hard to do with the neuro emotions.

 

If you can try to distract yourself as much as possible with positive things it might be helpful too. (Though I know it’s much harder to do than just mentioning it)

 

I hope you find some relief soon.

 

Take care of yourself

Edited December 23, 2013 by Laqiya

[SorrowExpert]

I have read this: http://beyondmeds.com/2010/07/14/gabaglutamate/ and realized that there is little hope for me.  My GABA system is so damaged and dysfunctional that I think it will be impossible for me to recover now.  I can't taper further, I'm not improving holding where I am, and updosing further will destroy months/years of work.  The insomnia has really traumatized me.  I've thought about hospitalizing myself again, but they will just put me on a lot of medications and compound the damage.  I'll just be diagnosed with a somatoform disorder.  It's horrible too - just when I thought things were starting to finally improve a bit.  I don't think I can do this anymore...I think I need to updose and stay there indefinitely to try to have some quality of life and give some hope to my parents.

[mammaP]

Hi SE, I can see why you feel that things will never improve, but they will. The physical brain isn't dameged

but everything is out of synch. Sadly it takes time to heal and that is the only thing that can heal us from

the damage caused by drugs. Up-dosing slightly will not destroy what you have achieved, it is possible 

that your last drop was just a little too soon, before your brain had caught up. 

 

I'm sure of not sure how fast your taper has been without reading back through your history so can't advise 

whether to up-dose or hold right now. I'm not too great myself today and reading is quite difficult.

Don't be afraid to up-dose if you need to,it isn't failure or undoing the hard work if it is what your brain needs. 

 

I feel for you, it is an awful state to be in but I am certain that for all of us it can and will get better, it just takes

time.

[Altostrata]

No one can assess the damage to the GABA system in anyone. Why would you think yours is more damaged than anyone else's?

 

If updosing a little, to 0.9mg or 1mg, helps, why not? You've cut your Zyprexa dosage by 60%. You can do the rest later.

[Meimeiquest]

SE, I had to click on your link...the hopeless imbalance. Let's see, there are 3 people listed there. Do you realize who they are? Alto, Rhi, and Gia...probably the three most experienced people on this forum. Yes, they have suffered, greatly, but they certainly have not been defeated. I still think you can beat this!

[Meimeiquest]

You need to request a new title

[SorrowExpert]

Unfortunately it looks like I may be hospitalized again.  I'm not sleeping or eating, and I've had to raise my dose of medication significantly and it doesn't seem to be helping.  I've been having serious thoughts of suicide...I don't know if I'm going to make it out of this one as I now think we're fighting for my life.  If I live, I'll probably be on meds in pain forever.  I think there's been a kindling reaction beyond what anyone has ever seen...I fear I may die soon; if that is my fate then perhaps they can give me medication to make it more comfortable.

[Altostrata]

Have you tried updosing the Zyprexa slightly?

 

In the hospital, they will most likely load you up with drugs, but there is no guarantee they'll hit upon any that make you feel better.

[SorrowExpert]

Have you tried updosing the Zyprexa slightly?In the hospital, they will most likely load you up with drugs, but there is no guarantee they'll hit upon any that make you feel better.

 

Yes, I've updosed to 1 mg and am holding there.  I know they don't really have anything for me at the hospital, but the way my nervous system is messed up...it feels like I'm fading away or developing dementia much of the time.  I don't see things getting any easier with the taper as I go down, just worse and worse insomnia which I can't deal with.   Stuck here with agoraphobia for years...I just pray for an end to all this much of the time. 

[Petunia]

Hi SE,

I just read back through your thread and wanted to comment on a few things.

 

I know most people would argue that I'm in need of a long hold on my dose in any case, and that's what I'm doing now - I had been pushing my taper hard.

 

From your own admission, it looks like you have been going too fast.

 

A slow, sane taper should not result in prolonged withdrawal symptoms.  The whole idea of tapering is that it supports your brain just enough to avoid withdrawal symptoms.  .....

 

........I think you're having a very negative mood because of pushing the taper too hard.  Please hold or even updose a bit and hold until you begin to feel better.

 

If you are having withdrawal symptoms after a cut, which don't settle down within a few weeks, then you are going too fast.

 

There's nothing wrong with going as slowly as it takes. Far better to take a long time to get off the meds successfully than to go too fast and end up not getting off them at all. Take a break from tapering for a while, focus on stabilizing and nurturing and healthy type lifestyle tweaks. Good luck and keep us posted!

 

When I came off my medication in 2010, I had no idea how slowly I needed to taper, I came off 13 years of  SSRI use over the course of 2 -3 months.  I'm still suffering now and I can't reinstate.  If I could go back in time, knowing what I have learned here, I would happily take 2 years of slow tapering and holding, or even longer if it meant I could avoid all the suffering I've been through.

 

You need to request a new title

.....and a new member name.

 

 

Have you tried updosing the Zyprexa slightly?In the hospital, they will most likely load you up with drugs, but there is no guarantee they'll hit upon any that make you feel better.

 

Yes, I've updosed to 1 mg and am holding there.

 

Much better to updose yourself and hold, than lose control of your situation in the hospital.  How

long have you been at 1mg?

 

 

 

[Meimeiquest]

This is probably silly, but do you think your father could help you get a simple pet of some kind? Something to breathe some life into those four walls and give you something else to think about. I can really understand why you're going stir crazy.

[Altostrata]

Withdrawal insomnia in itself can cause low mood.

 

Have your symptoms changed since you updosed slightly?

 

Not sure if I posted this before for you -- there are a number of doctors on this list in the Boston area http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/988-recommended-doctors-therapists-or-clinics/

[SorrowExpert]

Withdrawal insomnia in itself can cause low mood.

 

Have your symptoms changed since you updosed slightly?

 

Not sure if I posted this before for you -- there are a number of doctors on this list in the Boston area http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/988-recommended-doctors-therapists-or-clinics/

 

I seem to be sleeping better at least, but other symptoms are still pretty bad.  I hope that if I continue to get rest, the other stuff will improve.  But I've lost a lot of faith in my ability to ever be successful in tapering without doing something more to "stabilize" my nervous system, like (unfortunately) adding another medication.

 

The list is good but is academic to me, as I have such severe agoraphobia that I can't make it to see anyone on it.  There was one nurse practitioner in the area who came to see me in my home, but he has now left private practice, leaving me with no source for my medications.  I have a few months supply of medication left to find or get to someone, otherwise hospitalization will be the only option.  If I could just get to see people about my condition my life would feel so much more secure, but being stuck here means my life is very much dependent on others.

 

The derealization I experience is to a great extent the cause of the agoraphobia.  If I have to try a medication like Lamictal to maybe reduce those feelings somewhat, or at least my anxiety, and gain more control over my situation then I think I have to risk it.  Maybe it won't work, but circumstances are not going to be such that I can sit here for another X years to finish the slow taper.  If I'm going to slow taper, I have to be somewhat more functional, and I may have to take a gamble.  It's pretty much that or the nursing home for me.

[Ellen042]

Dear SE, I think you're suffering way, way beyond anyone's desire or expectation.  I've read most of your thread, but not all of it.  Overall, it seems you've been tapering too fast, given the severity of your symptoms.  Please realize as well that your bleak outlook itself is probably a symptom of coming off too fast.  It's not part of who you really are, and you're not damaged for life.  Our bodies have the capacity to heal from the most horrible things.  Do you think it might be worth while increasing your Zyprexa just enough to stop the feeling of being doomed?  You're right: you need to be in a better position during your very slow taper.  We each have our own limit as to how quickly we can taper, and your limit just seems to be tricky.   You're NOT a failure if you need to increase the Zyprexa.  I agree that you need a new username, as you're NOT damaged for life, and you don't want your own IDENTITY to be that of a sorrow expert.  I know it's hard for you to look at things optimistically right now, and that's why others are doing this for you right now, but I'd love for you to give yourself enough relief to feel hope on your own.  Please consider this, and know all along that others are pulling for you.  I wish you the best.  Write anytime.  Ellen.  Oh, and you may not even feel the need for Lamictal with a slower taper anyway.  As a general statement, the slower the taper, the less severe the withdrawal.  You'll probably just feel better with a slower taper by itself.

[Meimeiquest]

Can you quantify exactly what is overwhelming about seeing a dr.? Like... Walking out of the house, being a passenger in traffic, sitting in the waiting room, etc. If you can get there ONE time, I think the dr. could order home health psych nursing and you might not need to go often at all. I just think whatever discomfort you might suffer would be minuscule compared to being in a nursing home or hospital with agoraphobia. You are going to be under a dr's care one way or another...don't you want it to be on your terms? And you don't need to "hold it together" at the doctor's...all the easier for them to see what is really going on. Pulling for you!