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Adagiooo

Adagiooo trying to come off of risperdal and clonazapam

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Adagiooo

Hello Everyone,

 

I'm so grateful for this site, everyone on it and all the valuable information here. I've been reading SA for the last 3 months, but I have just now gotten up the courage to post.

 

I'm currently trying to taper off of 1.7 mgs of risperdal and .25 mgs of clonazapam that I've been on since November 2013. However my history with psych drugs goes back 13 years when I was put on Paxil for depression. One drug led to another and another and another and I found myself hospitalized multiple times along the way (please see my signature).

 

I experienced what I consider to be psych drug induced psychosis several times which has left me bitter and angry at psychiatry but I am trying to find ways to dispel those feelings as I taper so that my body, mind and spirit can heal.

 

Unfortunately, time is not on my side. In about two years my husband and I will be selling our home and moving to another state. I am terrified at the thought of being in withdrawal leading up to, during and after the move.

 

From reading this site, Beyond Meds, and my own instincts I know that risperdal is a monster of a drug to withdrawal from as is clonazapam. It's clear that going very, very slowly is key but as I mentioned above life is going to get pretty crazy in about two years.

 

Right now I am exhausted all the time, I experience mild depression and flashes of anger that seem to come out of nowhere and I have to force myself to do just about everything. Supplements are not an option for me as I tried everything from mag to omega 3s to amino acids to herbs and on, and on. Everything seems to be too stimulating or makes me feel otherwise out of it. Food, too is and issue of sensitivity, but I've made a concerted effort to pay attention to my body and what certain foods do to me. I've pretty much eliminated sugar, as it now makes me feel like I'm speeding, yet depressed. It appears that wheat and some of the other grains make me feel angry.

 

Again, thank you so much Alto for starting this site and to all the people who contribute. What a wealth of information and support!

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Adagiooo

I meant to say that I have been on Risperdal since November 2012 and Clonazapam since January 2013. I tapered the Risperdal from 2mg to 1.7 mg and the Clonazapam from .50 mg to .25 mg. That's what I'm presently on: Risperdal 1.7mg and Clonazapam .25 mg. Sorry for the mistake.

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Altostrata

Welcome, Adagiooo.

 

It sounds like you're reducing both drugs at the same time. Is there a reason you're doing this?

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Adagiooo

Hi Alto,

 

I'm doing one drug at a time but I started with the Risperdal. After getting to 1.7 mg I experienced so much fatigue I thought it was

 

the clonazapam doing it to me so I tapered that.

 

 

Additionally, the psychosis I experienced in the past seemed to be linked to a benzo as well as C/T (I didn't remember this until after I

 

started the Clonazapam) so I became fearful of having to deal with it after I finished the risperdal.

 

 

I'm unsure as to whether I should continue tapering the benzo because I can feel the damage risperdal is doing to me, and I know

 

insomnia will be one of my main withdrawal symptoms once I get to lower doses of the risperdal.

 

 

I've been holding where I am for the past 5 weeks.

 

 

Again, thank you so much for starting this site and making available all the valuable information.

 

 

Adagiooo

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Altostrata

I agree, I'd hold on the benzo and reduce the Risperdal.

 

Changing both drugs at once introduces a lot of confusion into the process.

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Adagiooo

Thank you for your response Alto. That's what I've been thinking I should do. I'm going to hold for one more week and then taper the

 

Risperdal by 10%.

 

 

Do you know if anyone on this site has found a way to avoid the "I feel like I'm going to die" insomnia while tapering then once off

 

Risperdal? I've done a search and read the insomnia section in Symptoms and Self Care.

 

 

Blessings to you.

 

Adagiooo

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Altostrata

See our Symptoms and Self-care forum for suggestions about dealing with the insomnia.

 

Slowly tapering to avoid insomnia is better than trying to deal with it after faster tapering.

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Adagiooo

Thank you for your response Alto.

 

Adagiooo

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Adagiooo

So I tapered to 1.5 mg of Risperdal 5 weeks ago, and this week I began to have sensitivities to all foods. Additionally, my appetite is virtually gone. I'm force feeding myself but anything I eat, including fresh vegetables, causes my eyes to feel gritty, then I feel speedy. I don't quite know what to do. With this risperdal my gut is having a significant impact on my sleep. How much and what I eat seem to be directly proportional to how much I sleep, hence the force feeding. I'm toying with the idea of up dosing to 1.6 mg but I'd really rather stick it out to see if some sort of food stabilazition is on the way. I want a big hunk of lasagna so badly (even though I'm not hungry, just want it for the taste) but I know I will pay dearly for such a foolish indulgence.

 

If anyone has any ideas or suggestions I would be grateful.

 

On a brighter note the oppressive depression seems to have lifted somewhat.

 

I wish for everyone steady healing and continued strength.

 

Adagiooo

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Altostrata

What are you eating? If you're not eating complex carbs, such as whole grains and legumes, your blood sugar may be low. Can you eat lentils or split pea soup? They're good complex carbs.

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Adagiooo

Hi Alto, thank you for your response.

 

I'm eating mostly salads, fresh vegetables, simply prepared meats like chicken, fish and some beef. For the most part I stay away from all grains as they tend to make me angry about an hour after I've eaten them. I have not, however, latched on to beans peas and lentils. I'm going to try some tomorrow, especially the split pea soup...and I plan check my blood sugar regularly.

 

Thank you so much for the suggestions, I'm sort of at my wit's end here.

 

Take good care of yourself.

 

Adagiooo

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Altostrata

Eat a substantial amount of legumes for dinner so your blood sugar is supported throughout the night.

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Adagiooo

I've stocked up on legumes...had split pea soup for lunch and feel ok. I'll eat some lentils with dinner tonight.

 

Thank you Alto

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Adagiooo

This is a depressing post so don't read it if you're not up to it . I haven't posted on my thread for several reasons. First, I'm very suicidal and didn't want to be a downer. And second I've had a major setback that caused me to be even more suicidal. Last spring I injured my hip and had to take muscle relaxers. The muscular relaxers seemed to reduce the efficacy of the clonazepam in helping me to sleep so I stopped the muscle relaxers. Yup, I was right, the clonazepam no longer worked. I could no longer sleep.

 

Out of sheer desperation I agreed to take another benzo, Restoril. This was probably the worse thing I could have done but I tried various natural things and relaxation techniques and finally antidepressants to help with sleep but to no avail.

 

So here I am stuck, and I mean really stuck on two benzos and an antipsychotic. I'm in tolerance withdrawal with the clonazepam and well...things are pretty f***ed up. If I drop another dose of the risperdal my sleep will really deteriorate and I simply cannot function without sleep.

 

Everyday my feet feel like a million bees are stinging them and they pulse, throb and burn, a side effect of the risperdal I believe because my feet started to tingle shortly after I started the risperdal. Also, I had nerve pain in my feet when I was on Abilify so I know that's a neuroleptic "thing." But I was never on the Abilify long enough for things to escalate to this point.

 

My body is stiff, I'm severely, and I mean severely fatigued and my joints bones and muscles ache. All of this started before I went into tolerance withdrawal from the clonazepam...like right after I started the risperdal, but I believe being in TW is making it worse. I've tried magnesium for the pain to include Epsom salt baths. Not only does this not ease the pain but also my sleep gets much worse. EVERYTHING I eat makes my feet hurt even more and almost everything I eat causes me to sleep like crap. I'm food sensitive, supplement sensitive, h**l, I'm life sensitive. My mind is full of negative thinking...everything I've not accomplished, the bad things I've done and all the things these medicines have stolen from me. I do what I can to distract, but with limited energy the best I can manage is a short daily walk and then I play games or read news sites or watch tv. I'm grieving and simply can't take the pain anymore. I really, really don't think I can make it off of these drugs. I don't think I can do it. Pre drugging and even on the Abilify I had this steel will that NOTHING was going to keep me on the drugs. But this Risperdal, man this risperdal is like a boot on my neck. I don't feel I can accomplish anything let alone a long taper off all these meds.

 

This is the longest amount of time I've been drugged, 2 1/2 years. I've always managed to get off of them albeit not always with good results but...this is demoralizing.

 

I can't stop crying because my husband is trying everything he can to try to help me. I'm in such pain seeing him seeing me suffer like this. He would literally do anything to take the pain and suffering away. He tries and tries and tries, sometimes till he's in tears, and he rarely cries.

 

I keep thinking that leaving him would be the most selfish thing I could do but then I think, how can I be expected to keep suffering with the end so far from my reach. So, I have gotten my affairs in order and have decided that yes, I am leaving this world. I've done a lot of research on the subject and believe I've found a way.

 

Please don't tell me to call a crisis line. I don't want to try anymore because the suffering is too great for me to continue on.

 

Well, that's my rant and my confession so...

 

Oh, the great irony is that my prescriber is a nurse practitioner who absolutely supports me in coming off these drugs, and that's the first time that has ever happened. She has no clue about withdrawal but is oh so willing to learn. She became a true believer when my prolactin levels went from 79 to 13 as I made my way to 1 mg. the normal range for prolactin in women who have not just given birth or are breast feeding is somewhere between 7 and 25. I also have a psychologist who is like my cheerleader but also knows nothing about withdrawal. I've been doing everything I can to educate her, but she's squarely in my corner.

 

So here I have all these resources except the biggest piece, ME. I just can't do this anymore.

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mammaP

Hi Adagiooo, welcome back. I'm sorry that you are in such a desperate situation now. I don't really know very much about benzos and tolerance withdrawal but I am familiar with interdose withdrawal. Are you taking clonazepam regularly to keep a steady dose in your bloodstream to avoid withdrawal between doses? It is a problem for some members and they find some relief when the dose is regular several times a day rather than once a day,  

 

  I am so sorry to see you suffering so badly, it is devastating but this will pass and you will get better. I am going to ask one of the benzo experts to take a look and see what they suggest. First we need a little more information.  Which antidepressant did you try, and which muscle relaxant?  Could you include them in your signature for us, with doses and approximate dates they started and stopped? Please don't do anything to harm yourself, it is devastating for us when we see people who are so desperate and there is nothing we can do. Waiting for an update is torture because we feel your pain and want you to get better, we don't want to lose you we want to help you get through this. 

 

I put your drugs into the interactions checker and there are some interactions between them which will be making you feel worse. Also the other drugs you took after your injury will have caused some instability, but it will settle down. When we have the info we can better advise you what the best course of action might be, 

 

http://www.drugs.com/interactions-check.php?drug_list=703-0,2153-1402,2019-1305

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LoveandLight

Aww I'm so sorry. I'm very sad you feel like this. I know the feeling of just not being able to continue. Love to you and I'm sorry for your suffering xx

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Adagiooo

Hi MammaP, thanks for your response and kind words. I will update my signature as soon as I can but for now, to the best of my memory the muscle relaxer I took was Flexeril at 10 mg from about June 2014 until about October 2014. After discontinuing the flexeril my sleep went to almost 0. I tried Doxepin 10 mg for about a week in October 2014. By the end of that week I was no longer sleeping. Also tried Remeron at I think 7 mg after that. But I only took them for 2 days because I believe I had an adverse reaction or rather they were behaving paradoxically in my body.

 

As for the clonazepam, I take it in one dose at night and I feel pretty crappy all day but by about 6 pm I can feel withdrawals begin to kick in. i will take your suggestion and try to dose maybe twice a day.

 

Thank you for doing the drug interaction checker, I will look at the link. Again, I thank you for taking the time to look at my post and I hope you are well.

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Adagiooo

Loveandlight, thank you for the love I feel like I'm living in a world where there is no God who loves if these kind of things can happen to people. Your words gave me some comfort. I hope you feel much much better and that better days are ahead.

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Petunia

Hi Adagiooo,

I'm glad you decided to come back looking for help. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I'm also not a benzo expert, but from what I do know, I think the way you are taking both the benzos may be contributing to you feeling so unwell during the day.

 

Are you taking Restoril in one 15mg dose at night?

 

This drug has a shorter half life than Clonazepam and is most likely causing rebound withdrawal during the day also, it may need to be split into 3 - 4 doses.

 

My thinking is if you can get your blood levels of the benzos stable through the day, you may start to feel a little better, and your sensitivity to everything might decrease, then you could start a slow taper off the Risperdal.

 

After reading through your two recent posts and doing a little research, I think I might understand what happened to cause your sudden insomnia when you stopped taking Flexeril. I don't think you went into TW from clonazepam.

 

Flexeril is a muscle relaxer closely related to the tricyclic antidepressants. Flexeril may enhance the effects of alcohol, barbiturates, and other CNS depressants.   http://www.drugs.com/pro/flexeril.html

 

Possibly, while you were taking flexeril combined with clonazepam, the interaction may have been having an increased effect on your sleep, which you became dependent on. When you stopped taking flexeril, and I'm assuming you didn't taper it. You were no longer getting the enhanced effect. Basically, you went into withdrawal from the flexeril/clonazepam interaction.

 

Another thing to note is that flexeril is not supposed to be taken for more than a few weeks.

 

These are just my thoughts, hopefully one of our benzo experts will weigh in soon and be able to confirm some of this.

 

Hang in there a bit longer Adagiooo, we are going to do what we can to help.

 

Petunia.

 

Edited to add: Skyler, one of our benzo staff has had a look and asked if you would make a topic for yourself in our members only benzo forum here:  Members-only benzo forum

 

Explain what has happened and why you think you are in TW, you can copy and paste from your thread here if it would be easier than typing it out again.

Edited by Petunia
updated

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Adagiooo

Hello Petunia,

 

Thank you for reading my posts and for all your insight, research and suggestions. It's interesting that the two mods who responded are the two mods whose posts I read the most, yours and mammaP's. I'm usually lurking and I am always happy to read what you have to say Petunia. I haven't responded to those posts because I have, for so long been in a negative and suicidal frame of mind.

 

To answer your question, yes, I do take the 15 mg of Restoril all in one dose at night. In fact I take all of my medication, the risperdal, the clonazepam and the Restoril just before I go to sleep. I have thought about breaking my benzos into multiple doses but was afraid I wouldn't get the "full effect" of my these horrible meds to help me sleep. Since the Invega shot (see signature) I have been battling insomnia, even on 2 mg. of Risperdal. I do agree with your theory about the flexeril/clonazepam withdrawal symptoms. And no, I did not taper the flexeril.

 

But I am willing to try breaking up my dosages. Do you mean taking multiple doses of the Restoril and the clonazepam or just the Restoril? Just writing this is making me weep because I am so very tired both psychologically and physically and the risperdal has stolen every bit of confidence I had in doing hard stuff. The risperdal is an albatross around my neck that pulls me down anytime I get a spark of hope.

 

One thing that is not in my signature but will be by the end of the day is that I went from .5 mg of clonazepam to 2 mg between January 2013 and now. I went from .5 to 1 to 1.5 to 2. I settled onto 2 mg around January 2014. I did so because I would develop severe insomnia everytime I cut a dose of risperdal. I believe during that time I was tapering the risperdal too fast. I made my way down to 1.5 mg of Risperdal, but was struggling terribly with insomnia. I up dosed back to 2 mg and held there for about four months, still,experiencing insomnia but not as badly as on 1.5 mg.

 

At one point in my taper I stopped with the risperdal and tried to taper the clonazepam. I was on .5 mg of clonazepam and tried to taper to .25. I know that's a big jump. It was foolish but I have and continue to want off the medications so badly that my attitude was that I was either going to take my life or get off the drugs. I was so afraid of being on the benzo that I wound up making things worse and worse and worse.

 

So I believe I'm in tolerance withdrawal because I wake every night/morning at midnight after taking my medications at around 10pm. I go back to sleep after about an hour or so then wake up with a start around 4 or 5am and have feelings of fear and doom and anxiety and intrusive thoughts that I can't shut off. And of course all of these thoughts are so negative I just can't stand it. Sometimes I can go back to sleep, sometimes not. At about about 6 pm I start to feel anxiety and a sense that I'm going to go crazy. Not the altered reality type of crazy but the feeling of having to scream and that I just can't handle ANYTHING coupled with a fair amount of akathesia. Everything gets on my nerves and I jump from one thing to the other crying the whole time and just try to distract myself.

 

I can't write anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. Just writing about it is upsetting me so much I can't stop crying. Again, thank you Petunia and I hope the window that you've been having stays open for a good long time and then just doesn't see fit to ever close.

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Meimeiquest

Hi A, I am do sorry for your great distress right now. I agree with Petu that you probably are in massive withdrawal, not tolerance withdrawal, brought on by the Flexoril and subsequent changes. Your sleep pattern is what I do with benzo drops.

 

First, I concur that dividing your benzos appropriately is important as a first step. I personally could not tolerate a full dividing, but at least some support to reduce the dosage fluctuations. That might do it. Please don't see this as hopeless tolerance withdrawal, I don't think that's the case. These things I say as last resort before suicide: lithium really helped me and there is a thread of some who have been helped by the OTC version, lithium orotate. But please discuss with your medical team first. Lamotrigine in micro-doses has also helped some (there is a thread on this). Of course you would need to check for interactions with your doctor. I will say when I am in a wake-up-anxious state, getting up and busy seems to help me the most. Moderator Dave writes he gets up every day at 3:45 a.m. to forestall that dread from starting...another way to rewire the brain.

 

Our hearts go out to you...

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Adagiooo

Meimeiquest (is that a combo Chinese and English name) thank you for the information and comforting words. As you can see from my signature I have been on many, many medications and endured a number of hospitalization so, I'm tired. I'm very, very tired. I'm also riddled with guilt that my husband does everything around the house and tries with every ounce of his being to comfort me. He doesn't know what to do any more than I do and he suffers because of that. That breaks my heart into little tiny pieces. It makes me cry just to write about.

 

I think you're right about dividing the doses. I'm going to give it a shot to see if it gives me any relief.

 

I'm not willing to take any more medication to ward off suicide...to sleep yes, to live on the drugs no. I've heard about lamictil helping to reset the sleep cycle once you're off the drugs. I don't know it that's true or not but I'll look at the thread you mentioned. Thank you for suggesting it though. I know you're only looking out for my well being. I have however thought about taking lithium orotate.

 

I'm suicidal mostly because I'm on the meds, and what they have done to me, primarily the Risperdal. I know benzos are as bad if not worse, but I have found that the risperdal took a huge chunk of who I was away from me. And this happened from the first week I was on it. The side effects of the risperdal are also worse than any other psych med I've been on. Sorry, I didn't mean to digress into a pity party but this situation just doesn't make life worth living.

 

When I wake up anxious I, too, try to get up and move around. It does help. I also reassure myself that I'm ok, although sometimes I just break down and cry and say, no, no I'm not ok.

 

So, Meimeiquest thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your suggestions. I hope healing is happening for you...in fact I read your posts quite a bit and it seem you are moving forward and staying positive. I'm happy for you that you're able to do that. Be well and take good care of yourself.

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Meimeiquest

That was a sweet, kind post. If it hurts to see your husband cry now, imagine if he lost you. Even now, you have so much to offer.

 

I am mostly doing well, and I am very grateful. When I am not okay, it is just too much work to write about it, as I cling to the belief that it will pass. I honestly don't think I have any permanent effects from my adventures with Zyprexa. But I did spend one day in 2006 working backward from my goal of being dead, thinking through what would be least painful, sure to work, not make a mess in the house, and not be so far they couldn't find my body. So it was to be on the patio from a gunshot to the head. Thankfully we didn't have a gun in the house, so I was researching how to get one. When my elementary aged daughters came off the bus at four, I remember walking down the stairs and resuming my life as a mom (such as it was at the time). I say that not to be shocking, but just that better times will come if you just keep unraveling a bit of yarn from the tangle each day.

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Adagiooo

Meimeiquest, you're right. It hurts me to my core to think of leaving my husband alone. The irony is that our love has grown so much during this time. I wrestle with thoughts of him grieving as I wrestle with my intense suffering. It's exhausting, but thus far I have managed to keep going and even put on a good face as much as I can.

 

Your story about the gun on the patio is not shocking to me at all.

But I did spend one day in 2006 working backward from my goal of being dead, thinking through what would be least painful, sure to work, not make a mess in the house, and not be so far they couldn't find my body. So it was to be on the patio from a gunshot to the head. Thankfully we didn't have a gun in the house, so I was researching how to get one. .

I have gone through the same thought pattern to try and work out all the details...and the guilt is tremendous, but alas, so is my suffering.

 

But for now I will go on with being a wife and attempt to untangle the threads of medication that has driven me to such unspeakable thoughts. I wish you the very, very best as you live your life and extend to you sincere appreciation for helping the people who are suffering so horribly on this site. ((((((Hugs))))

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Altostrata

Hello, Adagiooo.

 

I am so sorry you're having such difficulty.

 

I realize you are taking all those drugs at night to pound on the sleep problem. But, sometimes too many "brakes" cause a paradoxical reaction. More is not necessarily better. This might also be why the clonazepam doesn't seem to "work" at night any more and you're having other odd reactions out of the sympathetic nervous system.

 

I would suggest gradually moving the Risperdal earlier in the day, holding on the clonazepam and Restoril dosages. However, since you're already making changes with dividing the clonazepam, you will need to go slowly with other changes.

 

First, I would get the clonazepam distributed. As Meimei suggested, you don't have to divide it in half. You could move a small amount to the afternoon to quell the withdrawal symptoms. Please keep notes on paper of when you take your drugs, the dosages, and your symptom pattern while you make this (and other adjustments). This will be important.

 

Also, please put ALL the drugs you take in the Drug Interactions Checker http://www.drugs.com/drug_interactions.html and post the results in this topic.
 

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Adagiooo

Thank you for your response Alto and your suggestions, I'm very very suicidal right now & my husband is out of town for a week. I will try to do as you suggested, but I'm afraid of losing any more sleep by moving the risperdal dosing to an earlier time. I'm just barely holding on right now as a result of the clonazepam shift.

 

If I understand you correctly you are saying to move the risperdal dosing to an earlier time once the clonazepam is sorted out.

 

I get the concept of more brakes not necessarily being better. Just don't think I can do this much longer.

 

 

Interactions between your selected drugs

 

clonazepam ↔ temazepam

Applies to: clonazepam, Restoril (temazepam)

Using clonazePAM together with temazepam may increase side effects such as dizziness, drowsiness, and difficulty concentrating. Some people may also experience some impairment in thinking and judgment. You should avoid or limit the use of alcohol while being treated with these medications. Avoid driving or operating hazardous machinery until you know how the medications affect you. It is important to tell your doctor about all other medications you use, including vitamins and herbs. Do not stop using any medications without first talking to your doctor.

 

Switch to professional interaction data

 

 

clonazepam ↔ risperidone

Applies to: clonazepam, Risperdal (risperidone)

Using clonazePAM together with risperiDONE may increase side effects such as dizziness, drowsiness, and difficulty concentrating. Some people may also experience some impairment in thinking and judgment. You should avoid or limit the use of alcohol while being treated with these medications. Avoid driving or operating hazardous machinery until you know how the medications affect you. It is important to tell your doctor about all other medications you use, including vitamins and herbs. Do not stop using any medications without first talking to your doctor.

 

Switch to professional interaction data

 

 

temazepam ↔ risperidone

Applies to: Restoril (temazepam), Risperdal (risperidone)

Using temazepam together with risperiDONE may increase side effects such as dizziness, drowsiness, and difficulty concentrating. Some people may also experience some impairment in thinking and judgment. You should avoid or limit the use of alcohol while being treated with these medications. Avoid driving or operating hazardous machinery until you know how the medications affect you. It is important to tell your doctor about all other medications you use, including vitamins and herbs. Do not stop using any medications without first talking to your doctor.

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Altostrata

Of course, you need to get used to the clonazepam change first.

 

Please remind yourself that "depression" is a side effect of benzos. Breathe deeply and slowly, let these feelings pass like clouds, they are not you and do not need to occupy your thoughts.

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Skyler

Adagiooo... I think Alto is right here.  Have you ever done anything with mindfulness? Deep breathing might help you relax and let some of the pain go.  And have you ever used the leaf in a stream script?  If you are interested, let me know.  I can upload a file to you on this.

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Adagiooo

ok, will sort out the clonazepam first. Thank you for responding and for your words of encouragement, they help.

 

I do everything my limited energy allows me to do to distract myself...lots of positive readings, although I do read a lot of news. The thoughts of wanting to end it aren't with me constantly, sometimes they seem to come out of nowhere and sometimes they come because of the pain.

 

Will try to let them just float away. Again, thank you.

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Adagiooo

Skyler, I use the leaf in the stream script when I start to ruminate. I will try it with the suicidal thoughts too. It helps some. I also have mindfulness meditations on my phone but the deep breathing really seems to make my feet hurt worse. I see a psychologist every two weeks and she has given me lots of materials. Thank you for your kind offer though.

 

I think what really scares is that I really DO want to die. I'm fighting with all my might to come out of it.

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Skyler

Skyler, I use the leaf in the stream script when I start to ruminate. I will try it with the suicidal thoughts too. It helps some. I also have mindfulness meditations on my phone but the deep breathing really seems to make my feet hurt worse. I see a psychologist every two weeks and she has given me lots of materials. Thank you for your kind offer though.

 

I think what really scares is that I really DO want to die. I'm fighting with all my might to come out of it.

 

Then don't take a deep breath, try rhythmic breathing.. just gentle, slow breaths.

 

I'm going to respond to the last part of your message in a PM tomorrow..

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Adagiooo

Will try the gentle breathing and will look for your pm.

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Faithbarelysurviving

Hello Petunia,

Thank you for reading my posts and for all your insight, research and suggestions. It's interesting that the two mods who responded are the two mods whose posts I read the most, yours and mammaP's. I'm usually lurking and I am always happy to read what you have to say Petunia. I haven't responded to those posts because I have, for so long been in a negative and suicidal frame of mind.

To answer your question, yes, I do take the 15 mg of Restoril all in one dose at night. In fact I take all of my medication, the risperdal, the clonazepam and the Restoril just before I go to sleep. I have thought about breaking my benzos into multiple doses but was afraid I wouldn't get the "full effect" of my these horrible meds to help me sleep. Since the Invega shot (see signature) I have been battling insomnia, even on 2 mg. of Risperdal. I do agree with your theory about the flexeril/clonazepam withdrawal symptoms. And no, I did not taper the flexeril.

But I am willing to try breaking up my dosages. Do you mean taking multiple doses of the Restoril and the clonazepam or just the Restoril? Just writing this is making me weep because I am so very tired both psychologically and physically and the risperdal has stolen every bit of confidence I had in doing hard stuff. The risperdal is an albatross around my neck that pulls me down anytime I get a spark of hope.

One thing that is not in my signature but will be by the end of the day is that I went from .5 mg of clonazepam to 2 mg between January 2013 and now. I went from .5 to 1 to 1.5 to 2. I settled onto 2 mg around January 2014. I did so because I would develop severe insomnia everytime I cut a dose of risperdal. I believe during that time I was tapering the risperdal too fast. I made my way down to 1.5 mg of Risperdal, but was struggling terribly with insomnia. I up dosed back to 2 mg and held there for about four months, still,experiencing insomnia but not as badly as on 1.5 mg.

At one point in my taper I stopped with the risperdal and tried to taper the clonazepam. I was on .5 mg of clonazepam and tried to taper to .25. I know that's a big jump. It was foolish but I have and continue to want off the medications so badly that my attitude was that I was either going to take my life or get off the drugs. I was so afraid of being on the benzo that I wound up making things worse and worse and worse.

So I believe I'm in tolerance withdrawal because I wake every night/morning at midnight after taking my medications at around 10pm. I go back to sleep after about an hour or so then wake up with a start around 4 or 5am and have feelings of fear and doom and anxiety and intrusive thoughts that I can't shut off. And of course all of these thoughts are so negative I just can't stand it. Sometimes I can go back to sleep, sometimes not. At about about 6 pm I start to feel anxiety and a sense that I'm going to go crazy. Not the altered reality type of crazy but the feeling of having to scream and that I just can't handle ANYTHING coupled with a fair amount of akathesia. Everything gets on my nerves and I jump from one thing to the other crying the whole time and just try to distract myself.

I can't write anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. Just writing about it is upsetting me so much I can't stop crying. Again, thank you Petunia and I hope the window that you've been having stays open for a good long time and then just doesn't see fit to ever close.

 

Many hugs to you!!!! I know exactly how you feel! Keep on fighting! I am also trying to stay alive...God loves you very much and he is besides all of us!

Much Love, Faith

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Adagiooo

Can someone please write something to me that gives me even a small inkling of hope that I can make it off of these medications.

 

I am in deep deep despair, cannot dig out.

 

Someone, anyone

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Faithbarelysurviving

Yes you will make it, little by little . People here Love you and God loves you the most! I am just like you, maybe worse, and keep fighting with God on my side. You are loved you know, you matter and you are a fighter!

Many prayers from me and God's wisdom and courage over you.

Blessings to you!

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Adagiooo

Thank you Faith, your encouragement means mor to me than you know. I'm having a major meltdown right now and can't pull myself up. I'm not really religious but I really do appreciate your words of love and hope.

 

My husband is trying his hardest to comfort me but it seems there is no comfort great enough to pull me through.

 

You are a blessing, Faith. ((((((((hug so))))))))

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