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Barbarannamated

Being unscheduled / without daily or future activities or purpose

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Barbarannamated

It is so difficult for me to exist day to day without a schedule or plan of any sort. Some people seem to be ok with this existence. I just spoke with a friend back east who i was planning on visiting. She's also been on disability for many years and won't be working again. She's on a cocktail for depression and seems to be stable.

 

I told her i had a few rough days with bad heat migraines. She's not been ill but, in an effort to cheer me, she lightheartedly told me that she hasn't been out of her pajamas since last Friday but doesn't seem to be bothered by it. I'm 50, she's a few years older. Just for the record, I spent several weeks in pajamas earlier in withdrawal so I suppose I've made progress.

 

Why is this existence such torture for me while others seem to be content with it? I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. I've been unscheduled for over 12 years now but it's really bothered me since tapering off of Pristiq. The limbo feels like purgatory.

 

As bad as my family dynamic was (drug addiction, enmeshed), i think it fulfilled a warped sense of purpose or belonging. I gave up and separated from them during withdrawal and when I learned of my own illnesses.

 

This is so horrible for me that I beg my husband to help me die.

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Nikki

Oh Barb.....Please post to us alot during the day.  Maybe set up times that you will come on the site so you know at a certain times of the days you will be doing this.

 

I think we have all wanted to die.  My BFF told me this yesterday from the hospital.  Her fear of being alone, and sick is overwhelming.

 

For a long time (since 2009) I have been struggling with anxiety - depression - jobs - finances, etc.  I have been talking about it on this site and to everyone I know.  A friend of mine graciously offered to help me delve into this.

 

And yesterday from two daily readers I discovered what it is (and maybe this applies to you).....

 

I feel trapped in my present circumstances.  It has been going on for several years. My mind goes to;  there is no way out, it is never going to change, Oh God another day of waking up and getting hit with that chronic anxiety.

 

When I do not have a client (summers are slow in Florida) or schedule for TJMaxx it is worse.  I feel like I am aimlessly wandering without purpose and start to question my life's purpose.

 

I need to have a full day to feel better, particularly one where I am working.

 

The reason I am sharing this is so you can see that even though I am healthy, I still have this too like you.  You really aren't alone.

 

My suggestion as I stated above is to schedule your day.  You can actually put in in calendar whatever it is. 

SA, FB, going to the store, movies, etc.  After summer passes and cooler weather sets in, do you think you may want to do one day of Volunteer work and see how it goes?

 

Hugs and more Hugs

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Barbarannamated

Thanks, Nikki.

 

If you knew how much I check into this site and Facebook... well, IMO, it's pathological. I go back and forth between the two and my 2 emails continually ALL DAY. I watch some videos and talk to someone by phone once or twice a week. I know some people spend a lot of time playing games online, but I just can't bring myself to accept that as a life. I already feel that I spend far too much time online.

 

It's dreadful being alone but I don't have the energy to be with people, either.

 

I'm in a really bad way right now.

 

Thanks again, Nikki. I appreciate your input.

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Barbarannamated

It should constitute malpractice to designate someone permanently unable to work without extremely thorough followup, counseling and retraining of some sort.

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Nikki

In your heart-of-hearts, if you were well enough and had the energy what would you really like to do?

 

Think on this one ;) Write about it and see what pops up.....almost everything on this planet originated from a thought.

 

You are an extremely intelligent woman.  Well versed and excellent in communication.

 

Toy with this.......and let me know what crops up.

 

Hugs

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Finn

I am so sorry to hear how miserable you are with your life now. You should never have to be content with a life that doesn't in any way excite or fulfill you.

 

You're not alone in the frustration of wanting to do something but not having the strength, of wanting to be with people but ultimately not having energy. I can relate so well. It saddens me too to think of all I might be able to have if it weren't for this illness or this withdrawal, to see what others are doing and then examine my own life to find I'm simply posting on my tumblr page or re-watching sitcoms. It's only been a year of this unscheduled life for me, but the thought that maybe things won't ever change, can't change creeps up sometimes. I try to convince myself that things won't always be this way, that even if I have many torturously painful blobs of days to live through, one day things will improve. It hasn't happened yet, but it could. I don't know how able you currently are, but I assume you're striving toward feeling better. Maybe as you feel better, you could take small steps to do things that make you feel more accomplished, like a new hobby or volunteering. I know it can be hard to stick with tasks you create for yourself when you don't feel well, though.

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cymbaltawithdrawal5600

California must really have gone to the dogs since I left. Many (many!) years ago, when I was no longer able to work in my chosen profession (why did I choose THAT), I received training at a trade school (auto mechanics, if you can believe that!), got a stipend and money to buy tools. Actually worked for 3 years fixing cars. All 5'3" 120# of me. I think the training was sponsored by the state.

 

I have a friend that does some kind of customer service thing from her home on the computer. I remember seeing this mentioned years ago and looked up the links and it is always in the back of my mind should I ever become unable to get around.

 

And I have a feeling that a lot of online customer service might actually be done by people in their homes. It's quite seamless, working remotely from a computer. Though if you hate being on the computer, that's not for you.

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Barbarannamated

Sorry. I've posed this question so many times hoping for a different answer or outcome because I refuse to accept the reality. I was involuntarily medically retired when i was 39. I've been doing anything to pass the time for over 10 years now: volunteer work, various causes, church and womens groups, driving aimlessly for hours just to keep myself occupied.. I admitted myself 2x to outpatient psych programs to try to establish routine and return to some structured life. Bad idea.

 

I tried and tried and tried for so many years. I'm angry at everything and just have no try left.

 

Where are all of the 20-30-40 year olds on disability for years that Robert Whitaker speaks about in Anatomy of an Epidemic? Perhaps most are *helped* through the emptiness like my friend. I can't imagine that I'm so unusual in being lost in this wasteland. It's not only about filling hours and days and years with activities. It's all of the lost and wAsted years with no end in sight.

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cymbaltawithdrawal5600

 

It's all of the lost and wAsted years with no end in sight.

 

I'm so sorry. There's no help for that then.

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alexjuice

Barb,

I think you're in a very tough situation because your energy/hormone reserves are so impaired. The thing of it is that you are very young so I'd think there is definite hope for improvement. However, improving will be difficult so long as there is no schedule or plan because the directionless and hopelessness undermine all attempts to do something and it leads to the self-perpetuating catch22 you are stuck in.

 

How are things going with your husband? Is he supporting you right now? I think you really need him to be there for you right now and you definitely deserve him to be but that I get the sense that he's not entirely there for you.

 

I am also struggling with trying to do anything meaningful with my days besides simply surviving each day... Over time I feel the days ticking away and my lifetime getting lost one grain of sand at a time.

 

Hang in there and don't give up, Barb.

 

love,

Alex

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Barbarannamated

Alex,

 

Thanks. I occasionally feel a flicker of interest or support from him. We've both been so heavily drugged for years; I doubt his physical health is much better than mine. The multiple financial hits, my family issues, being on "last call" with his mother's cancer for the last year.. We're both barely getting through each day. Sounds terrible, but I think we'll feel a sense of relief ~ and maybe renewed energy? ~ when the family has passed.

 

Thanks, Alex. You hang in there, too.

 

B

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Nikki

Barb I have posted questions over and over again on this site so don't feel bad.  I am seeking fulfillment as well in several areas.

 

I think I/we look for and hope we will find 'the answer' to what is ailing us.  A customer told me we are in "Saturn Passing" and it has a profound heaviness ladden with problems for people in our age group.  At the end of this year it will finish passing and the heaviness is supposed to lift.

 

Sure hope so...................

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areyouthere

Thinking of you Barb. It sounds hopeful that your husband is somewhat there emotionally. That may wax and wane ( I don't know) but it sure sounds better than what I have read before. Ditto to what Alex said...hang in there.

 

RU

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kaza31

hi there barbarannamated,,

 

im sending you my regards and a quick message to let you know what you described in your post is how I have been feeling too.. I actually wrote a post last night describing similar feelings..

 

Ive was put on Effexor aged 26 and try to withdraw first when I was 29 which was unsuccessful and here I am again trying to do the same thing.. I honestly feel like everyone elses lives are moving on and im completely stuck in the same sh*tty patterns.. I work part time because its all I can handle at the moment, ive had to drop out of a degree I was doing as I was so ill, I feel my hopes of being a teacher will never come through.. Ive lots numerous friends through this past couple of years because of my withdrawal and my inability to socialise all the time you start to drift apart, luckily ive two best friends who stuck by me.. Even extended family aunts uncles etc, have said whats a girl your age doing only working part time, get out there theres nothing wrong with ya, they don't have a clue..  I found myself not wanting to be in their company and isolating myself... Then I decided one day screw them,  if they cant have sympathy and understanding in their heart for what im going through well then I don't need them in my life...

 

I found that I've toughened a lot through all of this, I don't know if its a good or bad thing..  ive always treated people at face value and understood their problems never judging but it upsets me that when its my turn its not reciprocated.. regardless im going to continue to be  me being good to people if others cant be that way then that's their problem.. god forbid any problems come to them we'll say how they cope...

 

I know how u feel when you talk about having things to do with your day.. it upsets me that everyone else is out working full time, im only doing part time. then the rest of the day I feel guilty for this. I feel lonely cuz everyones at work, I feel bored, useless, agitated and helpless.

 

when I look around at others my age I feel so inadequate, their lives are moving constantly, their in full time secure jobs, getting married, having babies.. this is all that I want but at present yeah I have a boyfriend which im grateful for, but I feel im never going to accomplish anything else and it scares me.. I want to be teaching, I want to get married and have babies. but it feels till I get through this withdrawal and off this crappy drug ill never be able to achieve this..  I feel life is going past so quick and the longer im on withdrawal etc the less time I have..  I feel embarrassed now in social situations, as I hate when people ask what job u do, are u married, have kids, I feel like a total let down and loser. .At 31 I should have all these things and my life in check and the fact that I don't makes me really sad..

 

I know deep down I shouldnt be thinking like this it doesn't do me any good, but its hard not to dwell on things when its all you ever wanted and when your feeling so crappy with the withdrawal every day..

 

In the mean time I have a strict routine set up every day for myself to keep me busy and try and keep all these negative thoughts at bay..

I always am up for work and finish at 2 oclock.. I come home tidy house etc, make dinner, sort my stuff out for next day, after dinner I go walkin everyday in our local woods with my two sisters. I then cud go to friends/family house, cinema etc whatever I decide that night.. I then unwind, at get into my relaxation time ready for bed at 10.30pm each nite.. after work on days I really don't feel well, they I allow myself to rest for the evening watching movies, reading etc and don't feel guilty.. Otherwise I try to push myself everyday.. somedays I really have to push I literally have to drag my body out of bed, I drag myself around and feel so ill, its not easy.

 

it sounds really silly but ive found little things to do if im bored or feeling sick, I bought jewellery making kit, so been making bracelets and necklaces for everyone, ive made photo collages put on to canvases for my nieces and nephews from when they were babies till now for them to hang on their bedroom walls..i bake buns and cakes and give it out to my family, I even bought myself a little art kit and recently purchased some crafts to make my sisters wedding invitations and name cards..  I literally try anything to get rid of the boredom,, but some days I just don't feel like any of it and that's ok too.

 

one thing that has helped is my walkin each nite.. my sisters and I arranged to go every night, they take their kids in prams with them.. it makes me stick to it cuz I don't want to let them down, plus the kids always say" ah come on auntie Karen go walking".. afterwards I feel more focused, I feel brighter and also I find the negative thinking seems to stop for some reason..

 

its just some things that work for me, I try really hard each day not too let my mind wander to the future and what could be.. it just frightens me and makes my mood low so its not gna help my withdrawal..

 

I hope you know ur not alone as im sure as well as me, many others on here have had feelings like this at times too..

 

all the best

K x

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cymbaltawithdrawal5600

Barb, I am starting to get a feel for what it must be like for you. I've heard you say you have horses, there are times when I so wish I was back in CA, I miss a lot of what there was to do there. I even lived in a place where the girl who left temporararily, left her horse there and she let me 'lease' her. I had to buy the feed, shovel crap, clean and brush her in exchange for riding. It was in Santee, which is all built up now, but the other girl and I rode in the hills across the road. I loved that time, too bad I drank too much and didn't make the most of that opportunity. Those next years were lost in recovery and I remember getting to a point where I felt nothing would ever change. Somehow it did tho this is no comfort for you. This place I am in now feels the same way. I have no schedule either, none, just things I have to do like cleaning up this messy mini hoard. I'm sitting 3 pets these 2 weeks, from one house to the other, every couple of hours. I never thought I would be so grateful to have this to do, otherwise I think I would just lose it completely. How did such a smart girl like me, a college grad, end up as a dog sitter?

 

You are really smart on the computer, isn't there anything you'd like to do like that? There really are companies that you do customer service via the computer. Maybe it is the rest of your situation that is the problem, I don't know. There's just no real easy solution for any of us, is there.....

 

I am terrified to think what my future may be like when I don't even have the dogs to sit or the computers to fix. What will I do? My mom is 88, has the only bedroom in this small trailer, can't really see anymore but she is knitting because to her, it's just counting (those rectangular pieces that you send to 'Warm Up Ameirca'). She has the tv on all day, likes a lot of the PBS shows and she takes care of a really old but constantly hungry cat. (I do the litterbox). I asked her and she says she is content. What does she have inside of her that I don't? Is it too late for me to get it? What do we do? We'll be ok, won't we?

 

Pretty sad effort from me to try to offer compassion and support, I can only send good thoughts and a hug, I guess. I'm glad you are here.

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dswanson

Thank you so much for these posts.  I thought I was the only one that felt like this.  I am frantic about finding something to do each day. I feel like I am letting my life slip by.

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Barbarannamated

California must really have gone to the dogs since I left. Many (many!) years ago, when I was no longer able to work in my chosen profession (why did I choose THAT), I received training at a trade school (auto mechanics, if you can believe that!), got a stipend and money to buy tools. Actually worked for 3 years fixing cars. All 5'3" 120# of me. I think the training was sponsored by the state.I have a friend that does some kind of customer service thing from her home on the computer. I remember seeing this mentioned years ago and looked up the links and it is always in the back of my mind should I ever become unable to get around.And I have a feeling that a lot of online customer service might actually be done by people in their homes. It's quite seamless, working remotely from a computer. Though if you hate being on the computer, that's not for you.

CW,I apologize that I didnt see this post earlier. My situation is very convoluted, involving a 14 year Work Comp lawsuit then forced medical retirement. Because I have a college degree, I wasnt eligible for Vocational Rehab (or that was the explanation given) although a friend/coworker who had the same injury, has collrge degree and same background, DID go to Voc Rehab. She was not declared (*awarded*) permanent disability. I can't earn any money or I will lose my benefits immediately: income (40% of what I made while working) and health benefits for myself and husband. When I was feeling better in 2009-10, I interviewed for several jobs and someone must have checked my previous employer because I got a warning letter from their disability administrator that I must report any earnings and will lose my benefits. Social Security is different than my private disability in that it allows and encourages people to return to work. Realistically, even if I could (physically) work, it's highly unlikely that I'd find a job after 12 years out of the workforce at age 50 (that pays enough to give up my disability income). Ive kept busy over the years with everything imaginable: courses, church, horses, volunteer work, etc. It's actually difficult to find quality volunteer positions in this economy because some unemployed people are also vying for them. Ive come to realize that I need structure and to be working toward something more than some people such as the friend I mentioned. I know that many people stay at home all the time and can relax with TV, reading, crafts, computer games, etc. and little to no human interaction. I need to be working toward something, a goal of some sort, however minimal or insignificant. I've noticed more people here on the group saying that their free floating anxiety increases when they have a day or weekend with no plans or structure. That is how I feel EVERY day but I'm just too beat up to start over AGAIN [big sigh]. I figure it'll happen when I'm ready. Or, I'll accept life as it is and make the most of it.

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cymbaltawithdrawal5600

 

I figure it'll happen when I'm ready.

 

Don't ask me how I 'know' this (and I'm not just trying to cheer you up) but it may just DO that -  like a 'bolt out of the blue' or a slow dawning realization.....

 

and you will do this (and ARE doing this) too:

 

 

Or, I'll accept life as it is and make the most of it.

 

Why is it you have the ability to put into words exactly the same feelings I am having? It was not until I looked at my own life that I realized I am looking at the same structure/unstructure issues too.

 

I have a nursing degree. Couldn't do it anymore after ending up in a 12 step program. My California voc rehab paid for me to get a 'certificate' as an auto mechanic. I'd like to tell more but my brain shut itself off in the middle of that last sentence. All I know is: all my life I struggled at jobs. Making an ok living with my 2 talents but boy is it unstructured and I can't get 'well' any faster than I am. What if I HAVE to get a job in some murky future? Panic starts creeping into my thoughts.

 

I am going to go sit in the corner with my blanky and suck my thumb for awhile, I'm scaring myself and messing up this post and thread........

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Barbarannamated

CW,You are DEFINITELY not messing up this thread! Many things you describe resonate with me, too, right down to the Linus blanket. This whole experience ~ not just withdrawal but learning the truth about psych drugs and the way the world works ~ has brought on the KING of Existential Crises. My entire world view has been shattered and I question and doubt everything. I worked in the pharma industry for years ~ with psychopharm researchers... thinking I was doing good work, helping people... Your contributions are very valuable.

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cymbaltawithdrawal5600

You are so kind to say so. I mean it.

 

I am just going to plop this one on the page. In the past week from some completely unrelated sources, Tolle's 'The Power of Now' was mentioned. My first search brought me to his Wiki entry. Apparently he had a spontaneous 'spiritual awakening'. I haven't Kindle'd the book yet but I am doing a bit of reading on his site. I found this:

 

 

Many people are searching for what you would call their “outer purpose” – what they are supposed to do with their lives. How does that relate to “inner purpose”?

 

Tolle: Even if you achieve your outer purpose, it will never satisfy you if you haven’t found your inner purpose, which is awakening, being present, being in alignment with life. True power comes out of the presence; it is the presence.

Some people are called upon to do great things externally in this world by creating some new structure that reflects their awakening consciousness. Other people, whom I call the frequency holders, are not called to go out into the world and create great big things externally. Their purpose is to let consciousness flow into whatever they do – to do everything in a sacred manner.

 

We ALL fit somewhere in there..... I just know it. And we are ever and always on the continuum of the experience (job/no job, volunteer/stay at home and suck thumb, schedule/no schedule, church/just be spiritual).

 

PS. I am not enlightened yet, but I am getting there. You are too. It just doesn't LOOK the way we THINK it should. (Substitute 'recovery' for 'enlightenment'.)

 

here's the link:  https://www.eckharttolle.com/article/Spiritual-Awakening-Of-Eckhart-Tolle

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Jemima

I'm still struggling with this lack of structure and things to do myself.  Being emotionally numb makes it especially hard since the things that used to interest me don't push the creative button the way they used to do.  The most pleasant things to do right now are getting together with other people in a "lite" sort of social setting.  The arts and crafts that used to keep me involved for weeks at a time aren't at all interesting for the time being.  Thank God I'm now able to read fiction and stay focused.  I think that's a sign of my emotions and creativity coming back, but they're dim, sort of like the way things look in a brownout.

 

Like Barb, I'm a person who needs a project, a goal, a purpose...something along that line.  Recovering is a big one, but it's not enough given that there's not a thing I can do to make it happen, except maybe to stay away from stressful events and stimulating foods and supplements.

 

Many days I'm at a loss for anything worthwhile to do and just stay in bed.  I'd be ashamed to say that with anyone else, but I think people on this forum understand.

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cymbaltawithdrawal5600

So I was also reading on another site something linked from GiaK's site. Non-Dual Reality and Inquiry. Someone asked if 10,000 hours of meditation are really needed to reach 'enlightenment'. (My working premise is that enlightened people do not suffer from the psychic pain and chaos I sometimes find in my life). That huge figure seems a lifetime to me - I'll never get there because I'm 63, my life is over, I can't stick with meditation, yada yada. A quick check with the calculator (do 'enlightened' beings ever need to use a calc?) showed me that 10,000 hours works out to around 416 twenty-four hour days. A little over a year.

 

I don't have 'recovery' so much as a goal anymore. I am learning and trying to live a life that hopefully doesn't have ADs in it anymore.

 

I'll let you know how that works out.

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cymbaltawithdrawal5600

Jemima I get the bed thing big time. And the crafts thing. Darn if I didn't think you were recovered already! (That's a wry jokey statement and it doesn't read like I would say it and I am to mush-brained to be witty).

 

We have to do what we have to do, even if we don't like the way it looks.

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cymbaltawithdrawal5600

I stumbled back on to the 10,000 hour thing and turns out it was not what I thought exactly and there's some juicy SCIENCY stuff about it: http://happinessbeyondthought.blogspot.com/2013/06/are-10000-hrs-needed-for-awakening-no.html?view=timeslide

 

 

 It requires 10,000 hours to develop "mastery" in any skill. 

 

So in learning techniques to deal with 'life' and avoid falling into the depression hole, certainly I can afford to practice for 416 days (maybe not all in a row). I learned to clog, square dance and knit and and I know it took a lot of practice. Those are 'observable' skills, the 'mind' stuff is a different kitty.

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Barbarannamated

Jemima,

 

It's GREAT to hear that your ability to read and stay engaged in fiction has returned. I'm not there yet.

 

I definitely understand the bed thing, too. I just wish I could relax. This combination of no interest / motivation and "mental akathisia" is terrible. My mind is searching desperately for something to hold its attention and finding nothing. Like a GPS that keeps spinning and can't find a signal.

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Barbarannamated

I keep revisiting this theme and MAY be closing in on an answer or, at the very least, ruling some things out.

 

I made it to visit the friend mentioned in first post and I think I may be more miserable than I was at home in California. The friend is new to area, has 2 brothers nearby who are single, no families and recently retired (late 50s). As mentioned before, they stay at home and watch TV or play on computer all day and get together 1-2/week for lunch or dinner.

 

I thought I might fit in since their lifestyle is much like mine (EMPTY), but it has accentuated my misery because they all seem to be content with laying around all day, not getting dressed or having any schedule or goals.

 

Even though I envy their ability to be content with this life in their 50s, I don't WANT to get used to it. My own family was much like this and it's not tolerable for me. Also, I've already been fighting the emptiness for 12 years. Ive actually felt more suicidal in the last week than ever, probably because I thought this environment was the best fit (and escape) for me but isn't.

 

Is this a midlife / existential crisis??

Will I ever not feel completely homeless and ungrounded??

Are there some personality types that do not adapt to this lifestyle??

 

I do know that it is not simply having ACTIVITIES or company that matters.

 

Most of all...To what degree is withdrawal a contributing factor? Drugs definitely dulled the emptiness.

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Altostrata

I'm gonna try to develop some outside activities via afternoon Scrabble etc. on Meetup.

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Meimeiquest

Barb, What did you enjoy when you were well? What about your career was a hand-in-glove fit? How much activity can you tolerate in a day/week?

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Meimeiquest

P.S. I think you were made to contribute to the world....keep fighting....don't settle for TV and lunch as a long-term plan.

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Petunia

Hi Barb,

I had a thought while reading your latest post here.  Could this be that you have lost your identity? I could be wrong, but I get a sense that when you lost your career, you lost a big part of your self image.

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Barbarannamated

Hi Barb,I had a thought while reading your latest post here. Could this be that you have lost your identity? I could be wrong, but I get a sense that when you lost your career, you lost a big part of your self image.

Absolutely, yes. And because of the way it went down with no warning (felt more like a firing), I never again spoke to most of my colleagues who made up the majority of my social circle. Some tried to contact me, but I couldn't speak to them because I was so shell shocked. I worked in the pharmaceutical industry with psychiatry researchers and teaching institutions. Most of my friends were psychiatrists or in pharmaceutical industry. I was interviewing to get back to pharma up until 2011. Knowing what I do now about how the industry operates, there's no going back.

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omgwtf

Barb,

I tried to pm you, but it didn't work, saying this member can't receive any more messages.  I connect with a lot of what you say.  You said your husband is an md, does he understand this situation with the drugs?  Do you share his opinions?  I guess I'm just wondering if there are any doctors out there who "get it."

As for the purposelessness I once filled mine by adoping a high energy and demanding dog, who's now passed on after 8 yrs with her.  She would bark at me and push me with her nose if I was sleeping too late or not looking too occupied. 

Sometimes I think about what if anything I could do to help the situation of these drugs being overprescribed, as it has stolen our lives and so if there's anything I could do...  it could be a lifetime project.  But I don't know what to do and I guess I would fear being locked up too.

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Meimeiquest

Barb, at the risk of narcissism, here's an example of what I mean. I worked for a pharma co. for 8 years in a low position. What a cushy place to work! Very ironic now. What "worked" there for me was that I worked mostly in a sequential way at a desk. In the hospital, I was never fast enough, never organized enough for the multi-tasking, unpredictable nature of a hospital. Also, I am very detail-oriented, and that was valued because of regulatory compliance issues. And it is important to me to be helping people directly. I tried to work in a regular office once, and I just couldn't...even though I know electrical supplies are essential to life.

 

Passion-wise, I would get out all the dolls and play "orphanage" instead of "house" as a little girl. I was beyond heartbroken that we couldn't have children biologically, but in some ways adopting was very natural for us. We will never have other children in our home...I have a psych diagnosis, I have no energy, we're getting older, I doubt our girls could handle it. But if I was free from responsibility, I would volunteer with the CASA (court assigned special advocates or something like that) program. A volunteer is trained to advocate for a foster child, especially to look for any undiscovered placement potential within the biological family, unmet physical/mental...minefield...needs,etc. Check out every detail. When I looked into it years ago, children with a CASA volunteer achieved "permanent placement" 8 months sooner than others.

 

Now, I'm not at all suggesting you do that, but I would really be interested to hear what you think your strengths and passions used to be...or now, but I'm betting you just can't feel them right now.

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Barbarannamated

Meimei,

 

I sincerely appreciate you trying to help. I've been down that path many times since being on disability, including a corporation whose specialty is working with people in my situation. That's why I am still surprised when I get to know someone who adapts relatively easily to the lack of structure and activity. It IS much worse now since DCing Pristiq.

 

I apologize if this message is not clear or sounds insensitive in any way. I'm having a rough day. Also, I'm trying to clean out my inbox but can't find the delete function on mobile version.

 

EDIT: I feel like I'm all over the place in this topic.. that I envy people who are able to live completely unscheduled and unaffected ....then I say that I DON'T want to live that way...

My apologies; it's an extremely sensitive issue for me but I certainly never mean to pass judgment on anyone else.

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catw66

My mid-life crisis feels more like a rude awakening to me after so many losses and years of stagnating not feeling. I think I realized what was wrong though when I read some of Bob Whitaker's book and how people on long-term antidepressant meds end up sitting around on disability. I thought it had more to do with a car accident I was in, but I think being put on pain meds on top of psych meds and having my psychiatric dx go from being MDD to BP 2, I see that things were finally beginning to take a huge toll on me by the time I turned 37. I was becoming more and more tired and less socially inclined and could not hold down a job.

 

I have periods since I got off of Adderall where I feel creative and inspired again but the closer I get to my monthly cycle, something shuts way down and I end up not being able to think or structure my time well. I can't seem to get momentum on enough things I want to do that would make it seem like things were making a difference in my life.

 

In other words, I have one too many days that just seem like days I am supposed to get through and not really live through or thrive though, though this is life and I try to appreciate small things if I am not suffering too terribly much.

 

Reading helps me out a lot and planning at least one or two outings a week and trying to be a little spontaneous here and there is a help too.

 

I want to get back to a career at some point. I just can't seem to get any traction to affect any real change anymore. And yes, days for me are spent in bed. I just lose steam. I try to do the mind over matter thing and sometimes it works, but often I just end up collapsing from trying so hard to keep going.

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Meimeiquest

Oh, Barb, no worries. I just wish happiness for you. And a neurologist who says, "Well that explains things" upon seeing your MRI. I'm pretty sure "I'm intrigued" is synonymous with "I'm not really concerned about that right now" is synonymous with the words-that-cannot-be-said..."I have no idea".

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