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Rhiannon

Thoughts of suicide

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Rhiannon

One of the things that's been most striking to me, on my taper, has been the disappearance of the suicidality that was my constant companion for most of the time during the 20 years I was on meds. It would recede, but always came back, and now I realize that even when it was in remission it was still always there at a lower level.

 

The reason for the "now I realize" is because even though I am still on meds, I'm on quite a bit lower doses than I started at, and the suicidality is gone. In fact, sometimes (particularly when I'm holding my taper and not in so much withdrawal) I feel the "urge to survive" that I now realize is the normal state for all living beings.

 

Right now I can no more imagine hurting myself than hurting someone else. And although some of the "life isn't worth living" feelings do come back when I'm in the throes of withdrawal, periodically, they're just shadows of what they used to be, and pass; and much more of the time I feel a deep sense that life IS worth living, and I'm glad to be here and living it.

 

You have no idea what a change this is for me after 20 years of believing that I was mentally ill and my suicidality was proof of that, and that it was only the drugs that were keeping me alive.

 

GRRRR!

 

Here's a link to Gianna's post on this subject. I think it's really important for everyone who has experienced suicidality on psychiatric drugs to know about this.

 

http://beyondmeds.com/2011/02/23/withdrawlesssuicide/

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Barbarannamated

Rhi,

I know exactly what you mean! I tried to verbalize the difference and what I came up with is 'there is now a distinct difference between 1) not feeling like living and 2) wanting to die.' That was such a revelation. I never made attempts in past, but it felt much more like a possibility.

There are days im feeling so wiped that im in bed most of day. This would often be seen as a sign of depression, but I realized I wasn't depressed as I used to experience it. I allowed myself to rest and not put a label on it. Husband checks in occasionally, one time asking what I was doing (scary, I know). I heard myself say 'I'm EVOLVING'. That did not fit any of his textbooks and he walked out of room scratching his head, probably thinking he should call the psychiatrist.

It's been amazing how that 'reframing' eased my conscience. It has since morphed into 'Im experiencing neurogenesis' and 'my brain is remodeling'. ;)

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Barbarannamated

On another note, a childhood friend committed suicide a few days ago. I hadn't seen her in many years, then connected at reunion in 2010 and found alot in common. We weren't close, but in looking at some of her posts on Facebook, I wonder what role meds might have player. She spoke of a long problem w narcolepsy and demons, even though she was a bright, life of the party person. They say still waters run deep, but still waters are sometimes masked by beautiful babbling brooks.

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Shanti

Rhi, that's wonderful that you feel the urge to survive now. I never had an issue with feeling suicidal until that first big drop off Paxil. I haven't had it since, thank God. Now I know for sure what feeling makes a person kill themselves. I always wondered how depression alone could cause it, as I experienced depression off and on many years and never felt like ending my life. But now I see just how deep and all consuming that depression can be. Now I have a new empathy for people going through this. This is a plus side to my experience. I can help others better since I've been there. Anyway, I'm so glad you aren't feeling suicidal now :)

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Barbarannamated

I agree w Gianna's point about physical pain. That is the worst for me and changes my outlook.

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ladybug

This is by far the most terrifying WD symptom for me. I never had it until about a year ago. I was still chugging along with the less than 5% drops when all of a sudden the rug was pulled out from under me. I stopped sleeping completely, couldn't eat, horrible anxiety and depression, etc. I didn't sleep for a week, lost about 15-20 lbs. and I was very close to giving up completely. By the grace of God I got through it but I haven't been the same since. I've had trouble sleeping on and off and a big problem with hypnic jerks since then. The jerks were SO bad at the beginning (it was pure torture) and have calmed down but are not close to being gone. I had them for over an hour last night before I could finally fall asleep.

 

That's why I'm going achingly slow because I'm frightened of my own suicidal ideations when I'm in WD. I think it stems from utter hopelessness of ever getting off this drug, yet feeling like I have no choice because of poop out. I feel worse the longer I stay on a dose, yet I feel bad if I drop too much. I feel so discouraged that I can still feel .10mg drops (not too bad, but still noticeable) at this dosage when I know MOST people wouldn't feel that at all. It's like less than a 2% drop!! I don't want to be tapering for 10 more years when I have already been tapering for five years! I just feel like I am TOO sensitive and am UNABLE to get off this drug no matter how slow I go and that makes me VERY discouraged which in turn causes suicidal ideation. Sorry for the rant, but like I said this is my scariest WD symptom. That is so great to hear it went away for others after tapering off completely.

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Shanti

Ladybug, it was by far the worse w/d symptom to me too. It was simply a desire to kill myself. It was view of the world and reality; that it was ugly and I hated life. "Life isn't worth living" etc. Aside from what suicide would do to my children, my belief in reincarnation also kept me from doing it. I believe that when we kill ourselves we have to come back in the same situation, only it's worse because we make even more karma by hurting others with our suicide. So for me, I feel I have to get through this or I'll experience it again in another life. Thank God the Stramonium helped with those feelings. I haven't had them since the beginning now. Never was I suicidal in my life until w/d.

 

I couldn't taper below 20 mg. I even tried 18.5 drop. That's why I'm going ahead with the Prozac switch. So far so good. Day three with no Paxil and I have no symptoms. But I'll tell you it was very scary to just drop off Paxil at 20 mg like that. It felt like I was jumping off a cliff!

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Barbarannamated

Thanks for that explanation, Shanti.

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TonyChang

*sigh* I had thoughts of suicide today. I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. What can I do? What should I do? I go to group meetings and they still don't help. I'm just angry and depressed.

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TonyChang

I'm feeling better this morning. I have taken only 3 quarters to start the day off right (1.5)mg Xanax. I only had 5 hours of sleep also...things are looking ok today. I wonder if my depression is coming from living in this god awful city of Seattle. This place is just gloomy and dark. *sigh* Alright yall I'm out, I'm going to pick up my ex-gf later this morning. Hope it all goes well. :o

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Altostrata

Tony, I think I mentioned before, depression can be a side effect of benzos.

 

You might get better advice on a benzo forum, such as benzobuddies.org. We don't do benzos here, this is a site for tapering off other types of psychiatric drugs.

 

Tapering off benzos requires special techniques. They'll know more on benzobuddies.org.

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TonyChang

Yeah, I'm going to have to agree with you on that. Thanks for the forum direct alto. It seems like a good community. :unsure:

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Rhiannon

Hey Tony! A couple of thoughts from me. First, if you're taking Xanax, be careful with it. It has a really short half-life and if you don't take it every four hours or so you can get breakthrough withdrawal symptoms. So it can actually make you feel worse. With Xanax, if you're going to take it every day you need to split the dose up and take it at regular intervals. You really do need to be careful with benzos. They won't help you feel less suicidal, that I know of. (You can find me under "prhiannon" over at BenzoBuddies.)

 

Second, yes, Seattle can make you depressed in the winter. I live out in the Columbia Gorge east of Portland and we get a lot more sunshine here. But when I first moved up to Oregon from New Mexico I was worried that I would get winter depression so I got a therapy light. And that first winter here I didn't see the sun for two weeks so I used the light every day and it definitely did help me a lot. I definitely recommend trying it. I think the best bang for your buck is with the Uplift Technologies brand.

 

Also exercise is really important for fighting depression and suicidal feelings. And it's hard to get exercise in the winter in Seattle unless you join a gym or get home exercise equipment. So that's another thing I'd highly highly recommend trying.

 

I hope some of this helps!

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Shanti

Hi Tony. I had the same problem. I was loathing life. I had to remind myself that this feeling over me is an illusion and it is temporary. It's like there's this false shadow imposed over what reality is like and life just seems so.. ughh. Anyway, have you thought of trying Homeopathy? Stramonium saved my life because it targeted those symptoms specifically. For me, the worst symptom of this whole thing is the suicidal thoughts and hatred of being alive. That was worse to me than the zaps and jerks. Here is what I have listed at my site for suicide and depression:

 

Arum Metallicum 30C - Depression, wanting to die, loathing life, suicidal.

 

Stramonium 30C - Anxiety, fear, nightmares, depression, suicidal feelings.

 

The Stramonium also worked wonders for the overly vivid dreams. I've been taking it every night since I started this tapering journey and my dreams have been normal. But then the other night I decided not to take it, and bam, I had the crazy, too realistic dreams again. So needless to say, I will be taking Stramonium every night for a long time.

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mammaP

I have contemplated suicide many times while taking anti depressants, and attempted 3 times 

many years ago, again when on AD's. During withdrawal the feelings have been so strong at times

and I was in great distress at times. It is a known side effect of anti depressants but what puzzles me

is HOW can a pill make thoughts turn to suicide?  I have had several life threatening illnesses and

have always wanted to live through it and fought through surgery and treatments to get over them. 

I asked my psychiatrist why I didn't want to die when I was physically ill and she told me that when

someone gets a life threatening illness depression tends to lift. She also said that it isn't psychological

because many peoples' depression has lifted BEFORE finding out they are ill. 

 

I'm rambling a bit so well done if you are getting what I'm saying. I know what depression feels like, and withdrawal

but for the life in me I cannot understand how a pill can put a thought in place and drive you to desperation 

when most people don't really want to die, just to get better. I think completely differently now to how I thought

only a few days ago and always tell myself that I will never think that way again. Suicide is wrong, I don't believe

in it and yet the thoughts and feelings pop up without invitation. I have been financially in dire straits at times

but would never consider stealing because it is wrong and the thought never even enters my head so where

do suicidal thoughts come from? 

 

I've read many posts from people here who have thoughts of suicide too during withdrawal, I just would like to

understand really, I used to feel very guilty but now I just feel thankful that I resist and keep going until it passes. 

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Barbarannamated

MammaP,

 

This is thought-provoking post. The difference you felt when faced with life threatening physical illnesses is interesting. I haven't faced anything imminent (physical illness), but have definitely had thoughts of not wanting to live while in withdrawal (never prior to antidepressants).

 

I try to remember that 'not wanting to live' is NOT the same as 'wanting to die'. I hope that makes sense. I struggle with this daily.

 

I hope others will contribute.

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Edted

Dear MamaP:

The original meaning of desperate was "without hope". I can't speak for others, but for me that has been the thing that separated being scared or horribly sad from thinking about ending it all. Hope is pretty hard to justify, but sometimes it 's there and sometimes it isn't. Is that the thing these drugs sometimes effect?

Thinking good thoughts atcha,

Ed

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wantrelief

MammaP,This is thought-provoking post. The difference you felt when faced with life threatening physical illnesses is interesting. I haven't faced anything imminent (physical illness), but have definitely had thoughts of not wanting to live while in withdrawal (never prior to antidepressants).I try to remember that 'not wanting to live' is NOT the same as 'wanting to die'. I hope that makes sense. I struggle with this daily.I hope others will contribute.

 

 

 

A thought-provoking post indeed.  I think Barbara brings up a really good point about not wanting to live being different from wanting to die.  I have found the suicidal thoughts worsening for me with each withdrawal episode I go through and as Barbara mentioned, I too have been struggling with this daily as well.  Maybe it is the brain's way of saying it is in chaos.  I do have better days where the thoughts are there but much less, so I do think it is definitely linked to something specific regarding the withdrawal experience. 

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Meimeiquest

I am lucky not to have this struggle, but one day in med-transition hell in 2006, I was having mental akathisia or something, and the only thing that brought comfort was thinking about suicide. I planned the end goal, then started working backwards, spent most of the day on it. I was researching how to take a gun safety class when my girls came home from elementary school...and I resumed my life as a mom. And the thought never returned. But I have wondered what would have happened if we had a gun in the house.

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Barbarannamated

Edted's point about hope or lack of is key, IMHO. At this point, I am unable to "see forward" or anticipate anything pleasureable or worth staying alive for. This is not to say I am suicidal, just to be clear. It's a very distinct lack of hope or expection of anything good /pleasure. It ties in with the emotional anesthesia, anhedonia, and apathy....lack of purpose...lack of reward.

 

"Mental akathisia" is an excellent description, Meimeiquest. My mind seems to be constantly searching and scanning for ANYTHING to hold on to. I used to be a voracious reader, but can't concentrate now. Unfortunately, when my mind does lock onto something, it's usually negative.

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Finn
I think Barbara brings up a really good point about not wanting to live being different from wanting to die

 

 

^My life story. I'm pretty chronically suicidal, on ads, before ads and oh wait, I haven't really been that suicidal since I started withdrawal--probably because part of me is hopeful about the whole thing. I know both that I am thinking about suicide to comfort myself and that I don't really want to die (I'd much rather find a way to live).

 

 My mind seems to be constantly searching and scanning for ANYTHING to hold on to. I used to be a voracious reader, but can't concentrate now. Unfortunately, when my mind does lock onto something, it's usually negative.

 

 

Ugh, you too? I totally understand where you are coming from. Last year in the height of depression (pre any influence of drugs), I was despairing because I couldn't focus enough to read, but I would spend hours thinking/ looking into horribly negative things I was obsessing over. I'm somewhat better now since I'm still pretty numb to most things.

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Rhiannon

It is a known side effect of anti depressants but what puzzles me

is HOW can a pill make thoughts turn to suicide?  

This is something that I've wondered too. When I took Paxil for a short time, within just a few days I became absolutely obsessed with suicidal thoughts. It was so clearly the drug and I was really amazed and awed by the power of that pill.  That was actually the event that made me realize how powerful--and bad, at least for me--these drugs are, and started me exploring this path which has led me here today, tapering and withdrawing and trying to help other people in the same boat.

 

The only time in my life that I've been suicidal has been either while on ADs or in withdrawal from psych drugs.

 

I don't think anyone knows the answer to this, and I doubt we'll find out any time soon, since right now so much money is being poured into making sure people don't believe it.

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cymbaltawithdrawal5600

Um, isn't EVERYTHING a 'known side effect' of ADs? Not being facetious here.

 

Not to get all science about it but there is a possibility about how our physiology changes with medication our thoughts change too. I think the thing is to sorta wall it off, or head it off, by something and not get wrapped up in it as meaning something personal about ourselves. I am always shocked when such a thought flits thru my head (I think one zoomed by as short as a day ago) and I just blinked my brain eyes and did something else. It is a totally scary thought and I don't like it one bit. Changing the channel seems to be an antidote for a lot of things and it's not just purely mental. Anything will do. The crappy knitting. Learning a new way to tie my shoelaces. Drink a glass of water. I think it's hard for us humans to have 2 separate thought streams going at the same time. We have to choose which one gets more of our attention. Maybe nothing more mystical or scientific than that. And then not beat ourselves up when it doesn't always work, just do it again and again.

 

In the absence of any clear struggle 'for' something, like recovering from an illness (think daily physical therapy to regain lost function of an arm for the goal of having it work again), we might have to 'make something up' and stop thinking of our 'recovery'. Do something (maybe something, some activity you are sure won't work like alphabetizing the sock drawer) and not think too much about it and see what happens. Then come back here and tell us about it. Go into great detail, write the longest post you have ever written. I assure you we will be fascinated! (And I for one am sure I won't have one suicidal thought during my reading). I think our inner 'imaginer' gets stuck and we can't see, via thinking, about how life can get any better. Sheesh, my life sure got DIFFERENT when I walked into the pool with my cell phone in my pocket. What was up with that? Am I getting the dreaded A at my age? Well maybe, but maybe I just had my head up my butt thinking about the concept of 'mindfulness'.

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Rhiannon

You walked into the pool with your cellphone in your pocket? Is it okay if that image makes me laugh? I'm sorry, it's not that your misfortune is amusing to me per se, but that sounds so exactly like something I would do!

 

I find that my own experience fits with what Barb said about not wanting to live being different from wanting to die. They use the terms "active" and "passive" suicidality too. Active, for me, is when (like when I took Paxil and when I CT'd Neurontin) I become practically obsessed with the idea and start really researching ways to make it happen and actually figuring out plans. "Passive" is more like wishing a satellite would fall from the sky onto my head and kill me, but not actively pursuing plans. And I think Barb's category is a third one, for me: just feeling like life is too long and too full of suffering and I just really hope I don't have to go through much more of it, and feeling like I'd be grateful if it ended soon. Maybe not right this minute, but before too long.

 

I don't get the first two any more.  The active kind went away about six to eight months into my taper, I think maybe once I got pretty stable with the withdrawal. The passive kind took longer, about another year and a half into the taper, as I got to lower doses of the meds. I still get the "not really wanting to live but not really wanting to die right now" kind pretty often, usually when I'm not getting enough sleep or exercise or hugs or social times, or when I'm having withdrawal from a cut.

 

I did discover the time I actually did attempt (back when I was still on the polydrug merry-go-round) that even when I'm feeling extremely suicidal it's very hard for me to actually hurt myself. I don't think I could do it again.

 

Anyway, I think these stupid drugs cause way more suicidality than anyone official wants to admit, both when you take them and when you withdraw from them. 

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Rhiannon

PS: LOL alphabetizing the sock drawer! HA!

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Rhiannon

I am lucky not to have this struggle, but one day in med-transition hell in 2006, I was having mental akathisia or something, and the only thing that brought comfort was thinking about suicide. I planned the end goal, then started working backwards, spent most of the day on it. I was researching how to take a gun safety class when my girls came home from elementary school...and I resumed my life as a mom. And the thought never returned. But I have wondered what would have happened if we had a gun in the house.

Well I'm really glad you didn't!

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cymbaltawithdrawal5600

Rhi, I'm still laughing about the cell phone myself! The post is in Off Topic under 'Mindfulness and Alligators'. Not quite so funny when the ramifications of its loss hit me. I couldn't hold back the tears last night at the cell phone store. I hope I remember to go back and post the aftermath there.

 

Yup! Had all the diff suicide 'ideations' you described and they are all states of horrible despair. Before I went on meds in CA I had it bad. I didn't want to DO myself in, I just wanted the pain to stop. The thoughts convinced me that I needed help because I didn't want to die and I was afraid that my 'inattentiveness' to life would cause it to happen by mistake.

 

 

I still get the "not really wanting to live but not really wanting to die right now" kind pretty often

 

So what do you do? My sock drawer idea was an example of postponing or diverting the thought so it can't take hold in my addled neuro mind. I don't have any answer to mammaP's original question which I think was 'How could a pill do that?' I find it to be one of those things that if I can just find out WHY I can make it stop. It (the thought) just comes to consciousness, science probably knows why but in the final analysis I still have to DO something to head it off at the pass and do something other than sitting in the corner twiddling my thumbs until my recovery gets here.

 

Is that my socks calling me or is it my underwear? Honest to pete, in my 20's I actually had an epiphany with the socks/underwear metaphor. I suddenly realized that I couldn't start my life until I straightened up my underwear drawer! The absurdity of that realization really hit me at the time. I still ended up in AA and on ADs and here the thought comes round again.

 

It's a fancypants way of 'changing the channel' when those thoughts come. I think even 'normal' people get them in times of deep despair. Some have admitted them to me, that's how I know.

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cymbaltawithdrawal5600

PS.  You guys know I'm not well yet, don't you?

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mammaP

Some very interesting replies, I wasn't really expecting so many! I am in no doubt whatsoever that

paroxetine/seroxat was responsible for my worst times.  Like Rhi I was obsessed and went to the library

looking at drugs books to see which would be best and how much would be needed. It just would not go away

and I was convinced everyone would be better off if I wasn't around. It wasn't just the thoughts but the feeling

of absolute desperation, of emotional pain that was worse than any physical pain I have ever experienced. I

didn't have any of that until I started that drug. I remember telling my psychiatrist at the time that she had made

me ill and that I was ok until I went in that hospital. I was admitted after OD on sleeping pills. It wasn't a suicide

attempt, I had been through a lot of stress and struggled to keep everything together. I was utterly exhausted

and just needed sleep. I didn't even think about it, just tipped one from the bottle and several fell out. It was impulse

and all I wanted was sleep. 

That was the start of my medication madness. Several years later there was a documentary on tv about seroxat and

how it was responsible for hundreds of suicides and attempts.. 

 

I have had those same feeling recently with withdrawal, but didn't recognise it as withdrawal at first.

Alto pointed it out to me and knowing what is happening and that it will pass makes a huge

difference . I play solitaire on the computer or burst bubbles online (yes, really, lol)

 Things that don't take any thought but are a distraction. Haven't tried sorting my sock drawer yet but have been going

through my hoards and passing stuff on.  ( thanks CW for the kick up the bum )  It feels liberating! 

 

I don't suppose anyone will ever know HOW a pill can cause so much misery when it is supposed to help. 

But then I have to admit that I was grateful for the effexor when I first went on it, it was brilliant for quite a while, I didn't

get any suicidal thoughts until I was stopped and reinstated. 

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Jemima

I think the drugs make us feel so unbelievably miserable that dwelling on a way to get out of the misery is a normal reaction.  And I'm not sure if it's a human inclination or part of the spellbinding that occurs with antidepressants, but many, many of our forum members have been convinced, in early withdrawal, that they would feel horrible forever and never recover from withdrawal.  I still have days when that thought scares me something awful, even though the rational part of my mind knows it isn't so.

 

Other drugs can also cause this kind of misery and suicidal ideation.  I got on antidepressants following a depressive crash which I now know came from being on Lipitor and having my cholesterol drop to 134, which my doctor should have known was dangerous.  (There was a well-conducted study run in 1990 proving that cholesterol below 160 caused all sorts of problems, including depression.)  I've experience depression from Melatonin and antihistamines.

 

Chemicals can cause all sorts of feelings, good and bad, and I'm getting good and leary of any kind of drug.

 

 

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cymbaltawithdrawal5600

hey mammaP, there's a reply for you in 'Alligators', I came here next and you are still tickling my funny bone with this:

 

 

( thanks CW for the kick up the bum )

 

Whatever works, sweetie, for us to get about the process of rebuilding our shattered lives. That's all I was getting at and ahem, you kicked YOURSELF in the bum by running with it. You just rock!!!! (We have lots to share about hoard cleaning!) It's kind of a metaphor for cleaning up our lives too. For me especially because I need to find a way of looking at life that doesn't keep leading to depression in its chaotic-ness.

 

On a more serious note, a long time ago I had a friend who related a story about why she couldn't take steroids. She either became suicidal or homicidal, I don't remember. My medical training (nursing) dismissed it as impossible but I later found out is is rare but does indeed happen. And isn't there something about younger people and ADs where they have to be watched for suicide because as they start to feel better (i.e. the depression lifts) they often have the energy to complete their plans? (I hope Jemima still checks in here because if that statement needs to be deleted I hope it gets done.) Any drug can have paradoxical effects on ANYONE. And stuff we have taken in the past, even some supplements, can turn on us in the future. Luckily it's rare.

 

I am sure we here are a relatively small subset of people who are able to talk about this whole thing in a way not currently in total sync with the 'medical model' (thinking of the tapering and recovery aspect). (In FL where I live you can get B@ker-Acted for voicing these thoughts.) {the special character is to confuse the goog bot, we're not totally private here, PM me if you want to know what I'm talking about} My dad had a 'breakdown' (depression) when I was in my 20's. He had ECT and was given meds which he took for only a short time. The doc said, when my dad asked if he still had to take them, 'Not if you don't think you need them', he didn't think he did so he stopped and never had a depressive episode again. I am sure there are many who have found relief in the same way, we just don't hear as much about them.

 

We NEED to be able to talk about this stuff in a safe, caring place.

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Barbarannamated

"And I think Barb's category is a third one, for me: just feeling like life is too long and too full of suffering and I just really hope I don't have to go through much more of it, and feeling like I'd be grateful if it ended soon. Maybe not right this minute, but before too long."

 

Exactly, Rhi. Life has been so very long. My ordeal started in '93 when I began Zoloft which led to bruxism / chronic pain / disability.... I feel like I've done my time here in this life.

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Rhiannon

And isn't there something about younger people and ADs where they have to be watched for suicide because as they start to feel better (i.e. the depression lifts) they often have the energy to complete their plans?

 

Actually this is just one of the drug companies' ways of covering up the increase in suicidal ideation and attempts in people when they start ADs.  It occurs at all ages, but the black box warning is particularly for younger people. The way the drug companies explain the higher incidence of suicide attempts in young people on ADs versus young people on placebo is by saying oh, they were depressed and suicidal anyway, and the AD just gave them the energy to do something about it, unlike the kids on placebo.

 

I think it's BS and coverup.  They have other tricks now (like calling suicidality "emotional lability").

 

You can read about this fun stuff in Anatomy of an Epidemic if you want, although if you're trying to stay positive right now you may want to save it for a while...

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cymbaltawithdrawal5600

Oh lord, Rhi,

 

Is there nothing in this world I can take at face value anymore? I am too tired to read the original poster's question and why I thought I had anything to contribute in the way of support. Seems as though I just keep parroting what I have read or heard and it may all be meaningless anyway. I'm bummed...... :( Will have to save Whittaker for later ('Anatomy', right?)

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Rhiannon

Oh lord, Rhi,

 

Is there nothing in this world I can take at face value anymore? I am too tired to read the original poster's question and why I thought I had anything to contribute in the way of support. Seems as though I just keep parroting what I have read or heard and it may all be meaningless anyway. I'm bummed...... :( Will have to save Whittaker for later ('Anatomy', right?)

 

CW you always contribute so much in the way of support! Plus giggles.

 

Frankly just your avatar alone always makes me grin.  :-)  You could just post a listing of your alphabetized sock drawer with the hip kitty sitting over there, and I'd get a lift from it.

 

But when it comes to psych meds and the propaganda surrounding them, no, there's not much you can take at face value.

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cymbaltawithdrawal5600

Thanks Rhi,

 

(You know that's MY kitty, right?) (and all of my socks are white)

 

I just had a long ago computer client of mine call me tonight, she wanted ME after all these years. Turns out she has a rare form of cancer. Anyhow, after a recent surgery she was given a med to control nausea that gave her outright hallucinations. She demanded to know what it was and the nurse finally admitted it was an antipsychotic 'that is very helpful for nausea'. whattheflock?????? She was hopping mad and refused to fill any of the scripts she was given, even the AB's. Tumors all over, in her bones. Yet she's sounding upbeat and wants me to fix her computer.

 

I nearly scared myself poopless this afternoon when I spied something on BeyondMeds (or maybe the FB page?) about a post on Cymbalta withdrawal being the most popular. Seems C is a nasty bite in the a$$ drug to come off. Permanent damage, ill for 10 years or more, all this stuff in the search result synopses that went on for page after page (when I g00gled the term). My heart just broke and it breaks every time I read the intro posts of some who have come to SA.

 

I read the whole thread on 'brain zaps' today. I had 'em and they were bad. I remember having to drive my car and how scary it was. Pains everywhere, hair coming out in clumps, sweating like a truck driver, can't remember if I slept or not, awful night mares. 120 mg Cymbalta/100 or 150mg Lamotrigine every day for 4 or 5 years like the good medication-compliant patient I was. Somehow I took it all in stride (the withdrawal). (Three days of the most horrific pain in my head, like someone was twisting a hot poker in there, and puking my guts out, even all of the pain pills I scrounged out of my stash. Drove myself to the ER, they filled me full of Dilaudid and some anti-nausea sh1t and 10 hours later I convinced them I was well enough to drive myself home. I distinctly remember falling asleep at the wheel twice). I remember the odd sensation of feeling in my skin coming back (I didn't know it was ever gone!) and even realized that inside, where my organs are, there was now feeling again.

 

Ah, cr@p, I am too emotional tonight, too tired to erase this post because I think it's all in my intro somewhere. Lots of really strong emotions coming up, especially when I heard about my client. Too much happened this week.

 

But I'm glad I gave you giggles! Somehow, you saying that, makes it all right for me.

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