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Rhiannon

Thoughts of suicide

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Barbarannamated

What keeps you from attempting and/or completing it? Many people say that they think of "mother, father, child, husband, etc" and how it would hurt them. I have nobody. I'm estranged from my family of origin (only father and drug addict sister remaining), there are no kids, nieces/nephews, very few friends and most have been expecting me to end things for many years even though I've never attempted. Husband is very distant and has said his life would be easier without me. I'm struggling to find any reason to stay alive and made a half-hearted, impulsive attempt last week (handful of ibuprofen).

 

I'm 2 years out from my last Pristiq (8 month sloppy taper). This is just too much to bear after losing so much of my life since the 1990s when I had onset of severe chronic pain after starting SSRIs and finally was forcibly medically retired. I had a few decent years since 1993, but overall, I feel like I have nothing left, absutely no will to live.

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catw66

As BKS Iyengar said, "Pain is a great philosopher. It thinks nothing but how to get rid of itself," and the ongoing pain of severe depression for me has caused me to feel the same as you. Today I started thinking my life has been a waste, it's too late, I don't enough have time left to get better, the withdrawal is going to be too much, etc. etc.....

 

I think some of this is part of the trauma of psychiatric medication - the fact that it makes some people worse and they don't realize it until years later and then there is all the rage and regret that maybe wants to get turned inwards? I think I am going through some of that now after a failed WD and then CT too fast.

 

I just feel traumatized that my life has gone this badly for this long and I don't know if it will ever get better. But I have to go easy as possible with it all and not quit because there may well come a day where I am off Cymbalta and will be glad I stuck it out - that I will appreciate the time I have left and do good things with it yet!! And honestly, even on these meds, some wonderful and great things have happened and I've had some good experiences and a dog that needs me....That's my big one. I realized yesterday I am living for my relationship with my dog. He needs me and I need him. He gets me up and out when I don't want to leave the house - for him.

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TrishF

"That's my big one. I realized yesterday I am living for my relationship with my dog. He needs me and I need him. He gets me up and out when I don't want to leave the house - for him."
 
I SO relate to this...there have been numerous times when my beautiful dog is what keeps me going...going to work, going out, etc.  I, also, have no one in my life here at all. My family is in another state, and want nothing to do with my "troubles", and  since I lived in another country in a different life for a dozen years, I have no intact relationships here.  I have even at times thought about finding a place for my dog to go, but I just love him so much, and I don't have the finances to send him the only place where I know he would be loved (his "grandma's" ).  
 
So I keep hanging on.
 
All  I keep waiting for is that "one day' when I will have the will, or the energy, or some miracle 'spark' to get something restarted in life.  

Edited by Petu
fixed text

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TrishF

You walked into the pool with your cellphone in your pocket? Is it okay if that image makes me laugh? I'm sorry, it's not that your misfortune is amusing to me per se, but that sounds so exactly like something I would do!

 

I find that my own experience fits with what Barb said about not wanting to live being different from wanting to die. They use the terms "active" and "passive" suicidality too. Active, for me, is when (like when I took Paxil and when I CT'd Neurontin) I become practically obsessed with the idea and start really researching ways to make it happen and actually figuring out plans. "Passive" is more like wishing a satellite would fall from the sky onto my head and kill me, but not actively pursuing plans. And I think Barb's category is a third one, for me: just feeling like life is too long and too full of suffering and I just really hope I don't have to go through much more of it, and feeling like I'd be grateful if it ended soon. Maybe not right this minute, but before too long.

 

I don't get the first two any more.  The active kind went away about six to eight months into my taper, I think maybe once I got pretty stable with the withdrawal. The passive kind took longer, about another year and a half into the taper, as I got to lower doses of the meds. I still get the "not really wanting to live but not really wanting to die right now" kind pretty often, usually when I'm not getting enough sleep or exercise or hugs or social times, or when I'm having withdrawal from a cut.

 

I did discover the time I actually did attempt (back when I was still on the polydrug merry-go-round) that even when I'm feeling extremely suicidal it's very hard for me to actually hurt myself. I don't think I could do it again.

 

Anyway, I think these stupid drugs cause way more suicidality than anyone official wants to admit, both when you take them and when you withdraw from them. 

Thank you for this post.....and putting this into words.

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Marie

I surely can relate to this feeling. I have had SI a lot over the last few weeks. I've been trying to taper Klonopin, and can't because it seems i did not stabilize on it after a hard crossover from Xanax. And other attempted crosses from X to K back and forth 4 times in 6 months.

 

And klonopin is a depressing drug at the level I'm at anyway. So I have a husband I've been married to for 41 years this December, and he has a TBI, and he needs me. And I have a cat, Pepper, who also needs me. So they keep me going, and if it weren't for them, I don't know that I wouldn't form a plan.

 

I also have 2 grown daughters, and we all get along, and 4 grandchildren (I was married young), and a supportive family, but no one really gets this, and it's just very hard. So I feel that if I didn't have my husband and my little cat, it would be a whole different situation. I've also had and have a good career, but somehow I've lost interest in a lot of it.

 

And I will have a rough time getting off this drug as I've tried, but apparently not ready. And may not be able to unless I detox or really go through a rough, rough w/d.

 

Well, just saying I understand. No analysis. Just my feelings.

 

Marie

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starlitegirlx

The meds blunt your ability to cope while changing how your brain works. Things that I consider regarding this topic are:

 

1) neuro emotions - when going off we get these extreme surges of emotions. That tells me that these drugs have alway tampered with our emotions. Often we see 'blunt affect' or lack of emotions. Sometimes they trigger abnormal rage and hostility like prozac has been known to do. Hell, they were involved in 60 shootings (mass and school were the groups). So they screw with our emotions. In my case, over time I became wholly apathetic with brief windows up normal and hopeful but that was not the norm.

 

2) We stop learning and using coping skills. What's the first thing most people do? Change drugs, increase drugs. Instead of thinking 'how can I handle this without using drugs?' we got right for the drugs. The doctors enable us in this. The whole thing is dysfunctional. My PDoc never really did ANY kind of therapy with me. He just asked about what was going on in life - FOR HIS RECORDS and a bit of a 'checking in' type thing. When I brought up that I was using meditation, acceptance and other buddhist techniques and practices that I started learning back in 2005 when the drugs began turning on me (only I didn't realize it was the drugs) he pretty much dismissed them and even kind of insulted them. Also mentioned his wife used some of the same practices with her in the day clinic where people would come for the day while recovering and adjusting to the drugs (how telling is that!) and he said he would debate the efficicay of these 'tools' with her feeling they were not helpful. So his only line of tx for a patient is to drug them. Poly drug them. Give drugs that sedate when patient doesn't respond.

 

This is the norm for dealing with people who have episodes of depression. When was the last time anyone in the medical field taught any of us a coping skill (aside from a therapist who may or may not teach these invaluable tools)? For me, NEVER. NOT ONCE. NOT EVER.

 

This morning I had a disturbing revelation. My mother is the reason I am in this mess. That and because no one person in my life, not even therapists, ever taught me coping tools or skill. See, my mother is a control freak, has always screwed with my life by controlling my decisions. When I tried to go away to college across the country she interfered and WOULD NOT ALLOW it. I was about 19 or 20 at the time. She maniupalted my father and uncle on this point and my uncle who had plenty of money ended up footing part of the bill for me to go to a local fly by nite school that had lame subpar courses in what I wanted to get a degree for. Said school later closed. My mother was shocked but I said that I had told her from minute one that is was awful. She denies any of this took place as I have stated. She's good at that - denying the fallout of her manipulations. Meanwhile, I was stuck with a loan from said school for several thousands of dollars, got nothing out of it as it couldn't even be applied when I went to a real college. And for kicks, I got raped during that time frame while going to at that school, but had I gone away that would havenever happend. I am sharing all of this to set the tone for how I ended up diagnosed bipolar and suicidal being poly drugged. See, it was stress of living with her. I spent several years of my life trying to escape her control. Thwarted at ever turn.

 

Now, I still live with her and have learned to accept this fate and it has only improved in that I  have learned to ignore her and avoid her as much as possible. She is crazier than ever though. Back 25 years ago I struggled  while living with her and trying to get away and when I saw no way out (jobs I had after college when I finally went locally - that was allowed- were not enough to survive on due to high cost of living in this state and I feared roommates because I hate an innate distrust of people after the rape and my mothers tactics and treatment of me). That trapped feeling of doom I felt from not being able to get away finally hit the limit when I did not get into grad school years later due to low scores on the exam that gets you in. I became suicidal. (I should include that she is also manipulative and was verbally abusive back then whereas now she plays the victim). This stress of needing to get away from her which had been going on for SEVERAL years finally drove me to suicidal ideation. She always told me I could never survive out in the world though put it in a variety of ways. When I failed to even escape her clutches I believed it.

 

All of this is very important in makiing my point because had anyone helped me with coping skills, helped me develop ways to deal with this situation as well as find ways I could move out and survive on my income - if ANYONE had worked with me on those things or given me the tools to cope better and see that the beliefs she pounded into me quite regularly were NOT FACTS, I wouldn't be in this forum. I would have found a way out  and have not become so depressed that I ended up on ADs and benzos and also SSDI.  My life would have gone quite differently. Instead, they handed me a bunch of pills to keep me from being suicidal rather than address the issues  with me and help me cope better. Most interesting is that EVERYONE saw she was a problem. EVERY doctor recognized that she was either the problem or making things worse. They even tried to put HER in couples therapy with my dad to improve my environment but they DID NOT do a thing to help me cope better. So really I guess there is also a laziness component as these docs just want to hand out the pills and not treat the patient as an individual.

 

I maintain that this is often the case. Situations trigger depressions. We see it all the time. The situations don't let up and the person is not taught to cope with the situation and/or problem solve to find alternatives out of the situation where possible and viola. They end up suicidal, depressed, etc and eventually drugged. Welcome to our warped society. Then the drugs become your coping tool while changing your brain and emotional responses and now you are stuck in this cycle. Also, if those original issues that were the reason you got on the drugs are still there, then the stressor never really leaves and can trigger suicidal ideation without you realizing what it is because now the drugs have made you docile and compliant and unable to cope with the real issue that got you into this situation. Then they mess with your emotions even more and now you are in a grand old mess.

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mammaP

Starlitegirl I totally agree with you that drugs are pushed on people who then don't learn to cope. 

 

I'm sorry to read your story of manipulation by your mother and that you still have to share a home with her after all 

that.  :(  I'm glad you found this site and can now be empowered to change things for yourself. I hope that

you will soon be free of these drugs and be able to get a life you deserve, one that is peaceful and fulfilling. 

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starlitegirlx

Starlitegirl I totally agree with you that drugs are pushed on people who then don't learn to cope. 

 

I'm sorry to read your story of manipulation by your mother and that you still have to share a home with her after all 

that.  :(  I'm glad you found this site and can now be empowered to change things for yourself. I hope that

you will soon be free of these drugs and be able to get a life you deserve, one that is peaceful and fulfilling. 

 

Due to my situation... currently a benzo taper that will likely last 4 years or more, not counting any kind of post taper WD, the fact that I am 45 and on SSDI.... I do not see any way I will ever escape this situation. Figure by 50 I'm done with my taper and have no issues after my last dose - that means I am 50 and on SSDI. What could I do at 50 on SSDI? So it won't be soon and when it is done, there really is no way to change my situation of having very little money to survive on. This is it for me. All I can do is make the days as peaceful or plesant as possible. Because of the WD that tends to be TV, movies and video games. Not much of a life, but the best I can do and if I don't pay attention, the time flies fast enough.

 

Thank you though for the kind thoughts. I do appreciate that.

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starlitegirlx

 

And isn't there something about younger people and ADs where they have to be watched for suicide because as they start to feel better (i.e. the depression lifts) they often have the energy to complete their plans?

 

I think it's BS and coverup.  They have other tricks now (like calling suicidality "emotional lability").

 

You can read about this fun stuff in Anatomy of an Epidemic if you want, although if you're trying to stay positive right now you may want to save it for a while...

 

 

Thanks for the laugh, Rhi. Nothing like a good laugh to make the day better. Yes, I will be avoiding that read. You just highlighted the important stuff and in a much more amusing way. Thanks!

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Altostrata

I think it's important to remember thinking of suicide occasionally is very common. Why not? It's in front of us all the time, in the news and so forth. It's an exaggeration to call all thoughts of suicide "suicidality" or "suicidal ideation."

 

http://www.med.upenn.edu/psychotherapy/user_documents/SuicideThreethingstokeepinmind.html

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Barbarannamated

Due to my situation... currently a benzo taper that will likely last 4 years or more, not counting any kind of post taper WD, the fact that I am 45 and on SSDI.... I do not see any way I will ever escape this situation. Figure by 50 I'm done with my taper and have no issues after my last dose - that means I am 50 and on SSDI. What could I do at 50 on SSDI? So it won't be soon and when it is done, there really is no way to change my situation of having very little money to survive on. This is it for me. All I can do is make the days as peaceful or plesant as possible. Because of the WD that tends to be TV, movies and video games. Not much of a life, but the best I can do and if I don't pay attention, the time flies fast enough.Thank you though for the kind thoughts. I do appreciate that.

Starlitegirl,I've said it before, but it's worth repeating.....YOU AMAZE ME!! Our situations are so similar but I have none of the peace you do. "Time flies fast enough.."?? I WISH I could feel that! I recently got in touch with someone from my high school graduating class who has remarkably similar medical problems (if I go with the "CNS Sjogrens Lupus" diagnosis). She has a good marriage and family, had to go on disability recently (pharmacy tech), but spends most of her time in bed due to the crushing fatigue of lupus and multiple other autoimmune disorders. She understood the desire to not live any longer if it means living indefinitely holed up and with no quality of life. Her ordeal began many years ago also and she's been through more health issues/surgeries than I have: "around 22, i had a spontaneous pneumorathax...5 years ago i had a large calf vein burst sponteaneously... all my female issues, 6 pre cancer colon polyps, 2 breast lumps removed, 3 kidney stones surgicaly removed, ibs, gastrititis, migraine.."She has been on SSRIs for many years and has severe blood issues. I don't know if any of it is related but SSRIs do trigger autoimmunity. It was oddly comforting to chat with someone else who understands how chronic issues can wear down one's desire to continue with life. Sorry for the tangent.

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starlitegirlx

 

Due to my situation... currently a benzo taper that will likely last 4 years or more, not counting any kind of post taper WD, the fact that I am 45 and on SSDI.... I do not see any way I will ever escape this situation. Figure by 50 I'm done with my taper and have no issues after my last dose - that means I am 50 and on SSDI. What could I do at 50 on SSDI? So it won't be soon and when it is done, there really is no way to change my situation of having very little money to survive on. This is it for me. All I can do is make the days as peaceful or plesant as possible. Because of the WD that tends to be TV, movies and video games. Not much of a life, but the best I can do and if I don't pay attention, the time flies fast enough.Thank you though for the kind thoughts. I do appreciate that.

Starlitegirl,I've said it before, but it's worth repeating.....YOU AMAZE ME!! Our situations are so similar but I have none of the peace you do."Time flies fast enough.."?? I WISH I could feel that! 

 

Oh I had NO PEACE for a VERY long time. Then I realized that the 'very long time' as I look back has gone by rather quickly. Maybe there were specific times that it seemed to drag, but mostly it went by fairly quickly.

 

I've found that distraction is the key. Because I love TV (certain shows) and some movies (most are crap these days though) and I don't mind watching reruns of favorite shows, mainly scifi (god I love scifi - almost makes life worth living!) and some other fun ones plus my newest enjoyment of video games - I find that these things make time pass at a speed that is more than tolerable. And then there's time on forums, surfing the net occasionally, or whatever else sends me off on a tangent where I'm distracted, something has my interest and time is passing... those are the key to peace. Really. I cannot emphasize enough how important distraction is to survival in situations like ours. And not just survival but if you are interested in your distraction or better yet if you are enjoying it, well, then it's not just survival anymore. It's time well spent enjoying something. I used to watch Frasier reruns like crazy. Might get back to them at some point. I don't even care that they are psychiatrists because drugs never really come up. It's all about how NUTS they both are which equals happy distraction.

 

Yep. That's the key. What is it that you like to do and can do that is a good distraction. Find it and you've got yourself some peace.

 

EDITED TO ADD: Turns out that negative comment "EASILY DISTRACTED" that teachers always put on my report card is the one thing I've truly got working in my favor these days. Guess I should find those teachers and tell them how wrong they were to make that a negative thing. Turns out it's quite positive. Ha!

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Barbarannamated

I'm having great difficulty distracting myself because I seem to have lost my natural curiosity and inquisitiveness. I assume this is part of the apathy, emotional anesthesia, and resultant mental akathisia (?). It's awful and makes each day go on forever and the future seem even emptier and longer. Related is the "time warp" / dyschronometria (disvussed in another thread) that MAY be related to location of lesions that appeared in MRI. (I didn't get the impression that it's a common symptom with others).

 

This seems to have gotten worse over the last year or two, possibly after DCing the stimulant I was on (developing paradoxical response).

 

I really wish I had never gotten that MRI. :(

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theelt712

SI is something I have struggled with a bit, never like I have in WD. I made a plan at one point. I keep going for the hope one day, I will wake up and feel again.

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starlitegirlx

I'm having great difficulty distracting myself because I seem to have lost my natural curiosity and inquisitiveness. I assume this is part of the apathy, emotional anesthesia, and resultant mental akathisia (?). It's awful and makes each day go on forever and the future seem even emptier and longer. Related is the "time warp" / dyschronometria (disvussed in another thread) that MAY be related to location of lesions that appeared in MRI. (I didn't get the impression that it's a common symptom with others).This seems to have gotten worse over the last year or two, possibly after DCing the stimulant I was on (developing paradoxical response).I really wish I had never gotten that MRI. :(

 

My distractions are basically all interests I had before all of this. So now I use them as distractions. What things did you enjoy doing before that you still can do?

 

I'm sorry about the MRI. Sometimes it is best to not know but then it can nag at you if it's hard to let go of the not knowing or fearing that knowing could make things better - give you a solution of sorts.

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Barbarannamated

Doctors don't talk of curing or healing damage in the brain, only slowing its progression and prolonging life with more drugs (chemo, antimalarials, for example). Hence, my "it's ok if it's all over soon" outlook.

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Nikki

MamaP......there have been many times when I wished I could lean against a wall and drop dead, because I knew I could never hurt myself ~ and ~ I couldn't deal with the misery whether it was WD or personal, financial problems.

 

I remember the first time I had the suicide ideation while WDing from Lexapro....it scared the daylights out of me.  I didn't understand it and then I saw threads on it at paxilprogress and realized I wasn't alone and it was part of WD.  A very scary part of WD.

 

Once I knew what it was the level of fear greatly decreased.

 

Hugs

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mammaP

It is so moving reading of everyone's experiences here . It really does emphasise that we aren't alone with this.

I feel so much better right now but still have days when I consider ending it all. Just knowing what's happening 

and that I am not alone makes it much better. It is so strange just now that I can feel so much better yet still that

keeps popping into my head. I know it isn't really me but I still come back to that question 'how can a drug do this'?

There isn't a shadow of doubt for me that it started with paroxetine, 20 years ago. I didn't feel suicidal on effexor

though, only in withdrawal  then it was all consuming for a while, just like it was on paroxetine. 

These drugs are downright dangerous! 

 

I found this article today about suicide rates being much higher in Scotland than England. I just found it interesting how

that is explained away. 

 

http://www.deadlinenews.co.uk/2012/06/11/scots-suicide-rate-higher-than-rest-of-uk/

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starlitegirlx

MammaP you are NOT alone at all.

 

These drugs should really all come with black box warnings that state very clearly that there is a possibility that WHEN you choose to go off this drug there may be withdrawal and even protracted withdrawal if not done safely. Then people would:

 

1) decided not to go on it given that risk if they haven't taken it already

2) be made aware of what could happen if they stopped abruptly and that would trigger them to perhaps seek information out on the web for something they did not know was a possibility and maybe even ask their doc who would likely brush it off which would hopefully make the person wonder why the doc just blew off a BLACK BOX warning. Then they would learn about the safer ways to taper and be well informed.

 

I think just those two things would save millions of people needless suffering or at the very least limit it.

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Jemima

That's interesting.  I would interpret the higher suicide rate in Scotland as the result of the higher rate of prescribing psychiatric drugs. Let's hope someone across the pond figures that out.

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mammaP

That's just what I thought Jemima but wanted to see if anyone else saw that too! 

 

Starlight girl I think when I went on effexor the doctor did mention that they were hard to come off

but I was in such a state that I don't think I cared about coming off, I just wanted relief at the time.

I was in withdrawal from another cocktail and in hospital being treated for a relapse  :angry:!

 I vaguely remember her saying it but not emphasising it. If she had told me that eventually I would

be like a zombie, not coherant and forgetting my own children's names, and that stopping it would

make me feel much worse than I did at the time so I would be on it for life with all the symptoms of dementia

.....then I would have left it alone! 

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Rhiannon

I worry about the two problems in the USA with our war veterans: PTSD and high suicide rates. I suspect that they're giving these poor kids ADs left and right in the military, which is skyrocketing the suicide rates, but since the pharma companies have done such a great job of covering up the problem of drug-induced suicidality, everyone thinks they're committing suicide because of their PTSD.

 

So they're giving more of them ADs for PTSD (which doesn't work, but again, drug company propaganda) and then more of them are committing suicide.

 

I don't want to look it up right now but the statistics on suicide rates for soldiers and veterans these days are astounding, and I would bet my life savings (admittedly not much, thanks to psych drugs ruining my life) that ADs and other psych meds are more than half of the problem.

 

I was reading the other day about a defect in some cars which has caused 13 deaths that are known of, and the manufacturer knew but didn't fix it or tell people about it. Everyone is appalled, rightly so. But that is NOTHING compared to the number of deaths caused by drugs, which the pharma companies know about but cover up.  Their own studies (the ones they don't release or publish) show these increased rates of suicide attempts, and successes, in their drug trials. Somebody must see those numbers and be able to extrapolate the math. It's just incredible to me.

 

And overall our doctors and society at large are still believing the propaganda, still blinded by it, still think these drugs are good for people.

 

I think I need to go outside and dig in my garden and stop thinking about this now.

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WinningThrough

Not the most cheerful of things to talk about and I've been putting off posting for fear of depressing everyone but I don't know where else to go except here or the Samaritans.

 

Has anyone else had 24/7 suicidal ideation for months and recovered from it?

 

I've literally been intensely suicidal ever since I started citalopram. It never went away on that drug. When I went on my next two poisons it got worse and stayed.

 

The only time I haven't had it was when I took lorazepam. I haven't had a lorazepam since 6 April and am doing my best not to as I really think my sporadic lorazepam use has heavily contributed to what I'm going through now.

 

The only other time it started to lift was when I came off sertraline the first time. I actually had times when I was thinking about what job I could do when I was better, stuff like that. I was really believing I would heal and was feeling quite strong.

 

I've always been a fighter and was never suicidal before I took these drugs (except on two different antibiotics). I just don't understand feeling suicidal every minute of the day. Its relentless. I just don't get a break and can't distract myself, no matter what I do. I know it's a side effect of these drugs. It's not that I want to die, it's just that I don't want to live like this. I'm not going to do anything. I just wish these feelings would stop. It's hard to describe. It's not feeling suicidal because there's anything wrong in my life (apart from drug and withdrawal h**l) but it's more of a constant feeling that just will not leave me. It just won't stop ever. I'm trying so hard not to have a crying spell because yesterday I cried in a way I never have before. It was like a volcanic eruption!! I cried so much that I was sick and I just couldn't control it.

 

I want so much to believe that this will end. I'm scared because I was practically a cold turkey case (because I didn't know any better and, like the rest of us, knew absolutely nothing about withdrawal). I could cope with all the physical symptoms if I could just stop feeling so intensely suicidal.

 

Has anyone else experienced this every minute of the day for months and come out of it? I feel like my brain just doesn't know how to produce seretonin any more. It doesn't make any sense.

 

Sorry for the self obsession. That's what I hate most about this. I've become completely self obsessed and I never was before. I was someone who always looked out for others.

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NoMeaning25

I have suffered from suicidal Idiation for 19 months straight. I had a very very severe depression that i cannot even begin to describe, all i wanted to do was end it all (Look at my never-ending, nagging posts on here)

 

I am definitely not recovered and haven't seen much improvements at all, but this has gotten much better. I no longer feel like this 24/7. I get it now and then for a couple of hours, but now its only once in a while.

 

This will definitely get better. I know how you feel trust me i know the pain and suffering you are going through. It will get better. I promise you

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WinningThrough

Thank you Olivia. I am so sorry you went through this for so long. That's just awful.

 

I notice from your signature that you recently stopped birth control pills and now you are improving. It makes me wonder how much of this is my menopause. I was peri menopausal for years but now am probably in menopause (nothing for 10 months). I keep wondering about progesterone cream. I've heard a lot of people say they had major depression on the pill or from hormone imbalances.

 

Keep going. You are improving and you will get there. I've had these feelings for 8.5 months. I hope I haven't got another 10 months of them!

 

Thank you.

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mammaP

I had suicidal feelings for a long time, it became obsessive and I couldn't think of anything else.

It started with seroxat (paxil). I have it whenever I get into a wave or get very tired but I know it

is the withdrawal from effexor . I don't want to die at all, but some mornings it just washes over me

and I feel like I can't go on for another day, but I ignore it now and it goes away again. 

 

I know it is hard to find a distraction but it really helps me to visualise something I love, like walking

on the beach or swimming in a quiet pool that isn't full of people, light falling on the ripples. 

Walking and looking for  wildlife. Of course I don't do any of it  :blush: just think about it but it does help

sometimes. Alto calls it 'change the channel'  and there is a thread on it, I'll see if I can find it. 

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/846-change-the-channel-dealing-with-cognitive-symptoms/

 

Sometimes I even visualise myself chasing the thoughts away with a broom! Sweeping my mind clear of them!

Sounds a bit mad but hey, whatever helps, helps  :blink:

 

It will pass, and will not be there forever. It isn't you it's the drugs that cause all this and one day you will realise that

you haven't thought about ending your life for x days or hours! 

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WinningThrough

Thanks mammaP. I'm glad it's got better for you. I will give the visualisation a go (if I can keep my legs still long enough and ignore the internal shaking and agitation!)

 

Thank you for finding that thread :-) I will take a look at it.

 

I can't wait for the day when the feelings start breaking up.

 

Thank you.

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Marie

Well,

 

I'm a "benzo person" only here on this forum, but I hope I can post this here because I justvwant to tell you all that this is a very common sx also in benzo w/d.

 

And I'm still doing my long hold on klonopin (just finished 9th month), and I'm still holding because I keep having changes that show improvement, but I have also experienced SI a lot on this hold. It's not been constant fortunately, but when it's hit me, there is no one in my family that can convince me that life will get better or that it's worth living.

 

It's definitely a chemical thing I believe because I can then experience a "180 degree" turn around in my thinking literally overnight. But before that, my thinking is completely implacable, and I've thought of various plans during these times. I almost go into a "trance like" state, and become totally focused on how awful everything in my life is, and I mention these things to my husband throughout the day. And when I'm just thinking on my own (which I'm always thinking about something I have to do), it's a total focus on my verbal expressions of life being worthless, and I'm either talking about that or thinking about that.

 

And then usually by the end of the day, I've kind of reached a zenith of feeling this way, and I start warning my husband that I don't intend to live like this, and then he tries to make me feel better by saying that he doesn't think I will have to live like this, but it never changes anything about my thinking at that point. I generally end these days by being very resolute about my feelings and my intentions, although I usually have stopped talking about them by then and I'm back to thinking.

 

Then I go in my bedroom, consider further plans while getting ready for bed and getting in bed and watching tv, and then I do try to distract myself by watching tv as that's really the main time of the day I do watch it. And by then I'm still aware of my feelings, but I generally find something I can actually get engrossed in on cable since we have plenty of channels to watch.

 

This scenario has played out numerous times since I started taking klonopin by itself (did a crossover, completed 12/5/12) and it has gotten better since I've held on it (not tapered it), but I went through another episode of it about a month ago. So far, the worst parts of these episodes seem to last about 5 days, and then I do start to come out of it, or I do that "180" turn around.

 

Well, I just wanted to say that these knds of thoughts and feelings happen to us "benzo only" people too.

 

Marie

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WinningThrough

Thanks Marie. I'm very sorry you get these feelings. I've had benzos on and off since all this mess started so I reckon they are contributing to the soup. I hope you feel better soon.

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Rhiannon

I've struggled with suicidality ever since I was first started on psych meds. It's reduced so much since I've gotten my doses of meds down, but it does come back when I make cuts and go through withdrawal.

 

It's not active so much any more, like with making plans and such--haven't had that in a while. But it was strong for many years, and I made a couple of attempts and came very close to making a third. So I can definitely relate.

 

More typical for me these days is feeling like if something happened, if I got hit by a truck or a piece of space trash fell on my head, it would be okay with me, I wouldn't mind, it would be a relief.

 

Or, lately, more often, down a little even from there, it manifests as thoughts that "I hope I don't have a really long life...maybe hang around a little while longer, things aren't so bad right now, but I don't want to get really old..."

 

Sometimes when I'm wishing for death I remind myself: it is definitely going to happen. I can count on it. It is definitely, absolutely something that's on the schedule for me in the future. BUT: I only get to do it one time. It will only happen once. So: it's definitely going to happen, I don't have to worry about that, I will get my release; but it only ever is going to happen ONE time, only once. So I ask myself, is right now, today, the day I want to do it? Is this the day for that? Is today my time?

 

These days, usually not.

 

And some days, when I've been holding my tapering and I'm feeling good, I actually find myself feeling and thinking that I want to live for a long long time.  Given what I'm used to over the past 20+ years, now, THAT is weird. :-)

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Rhiannon

"Has anyone else experienced this every minute of the day for months and come out of it?"

 

Yes.

 

:-)

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acetyl

It's not been constant fortunately, but when it's hit me, there is no one in my family that can convince me that life will get better or that it's worth living.

 

 

 

This has been me non-stop for the last 4 days. It is so scary it's not funny, I even dream about suicide and wake-up in the night mid-thought rationalising why it is the only option at this point.

 

Reading this topic has helped to put things in to perspective. It's just so so messed up how strong the urge gets, I've had 2 small windows and in both of them I swore to myself  that I would not end my life and it's all W/D related, yet when the wave hits every minute of every day becomes a struggle to survive.

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Rhiannon

I'm so sorry. I know what you're talking about and it is incredibly miserable and impossible for people to understand who haven't been there. Some people manage to be sympathetic, but I think that unending, obsessive desire to die is very difficult for people to relate to.  

 

Even when I had thoughts, before ever being on psych drugs, of feeling very down and occasionally feeling like life wasn't worth living, it was different, it wasn't this kind of near-obsession that just took me over and weighted me down every moment.

 

So people who haven't had drug-induced (including withdrawal-induced) suicidality, I just don't think they can relate, usually. The closest they can come is trying to imagine a time when they were really down, feeling really bad and sad.

 

That makes it worse, that nobody really gets it.

 

I know it's miserable. All you can do is walk through it. And of course do as much as you can to take care of yourself and do the things you know are good for you.

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compsports

My deepest sympathies to all of you who are suffering.   It was SI from Prozac several years ago that leds me to years of psych med "fun".  Wasn't a pretty picture but I overcame it.

 

Hang in there.

 

CS

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Barbarannamated

Relating to this so strongly recently. What pushes you to continue on and how do you decide it's time to seek help (if ever)? I was never suicidal or had SI before drugs, only following DCs and cold switches which I now realize were withdrawal, but of course doctors will say it was proof the drug was working.

 

I am 3 years out from Pristiq DC and feel like this is getting worse. But my life is empty and I know that is a large contributor.

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