amiss I'm having a really hard time, this is my story

[amiss]

Yeah, I keep trying to tell myself that. I can function ok, I am not affected intellectually at all, so I can continue with my studies, however I am at a huge disadvantage socially, because I just can't relate to the wonderful emotions everyone has, and I have nothing to talk about except how tired I am from losing sleep worrying about how long I'm going to live like this. 

 

The reason I'm trying drugs again is because I want to have fun, at least a little bit sometimes. In the state I'm in, anhedonic, I can't feel the comfort of a cup of tea or soft pillow. I had to think for a little bit of what is soft, generally, to people, because I can hardly even feel anything physically. I'm in college and I'm desperate to enjoy it a tiny bit, even a soft pillow, please.  

 

I've been to two other psychologists, so it's not a huge step to reach out, for me. For me, what is a big step is talking to new people at college, because I push myself to even though I really don't feel like it one way or the other. 

 

Buspar and Wellbutrin are not like SSRI's or benzos. Well I don't know much about wellbutrin, but I know buspar is a "mild" and safer med than most. Buspar returns my passion and personality and interest in other people; these things are extremely important in college.  Of course I am TERRIFIED of ALL MEDS. I accept buspar with a low hanging head, because it could hurt me, or delay recovery, or not work, or anything. It is ******* with my brain chemistry again, I know, but I also know that I am so desperate and I know that it does help a little bit. 

 

So I'm reading now that Celexa and Paxil bind tightly to 5HT2 and 5HT3 receptors. That's important but I dunno what to do with that info. Why does buspar work on me if it only stimulates 5HT1a?

 

I know I'm messing with delicate stuff and it's confusing but I want to text my mom telling her I'm having fun and not be lying about it for once. 

[amiss]

Alright so today was a wicked busy day. I went for a run with my roommate this morning, had a very social brunch, and then went downtown to shop a bit and do touristy things. I only bought pants, but I like em, so yeah. I think my roommate tries too hard to be cool. We hung out with people that are 'too cool' for us, but I think they're coming around to me. 

 

When I see a person, I get no reaction, it is like looking at a wall. It's unsettling and it sucks. Buspar makes people seem more like people again, and I get reactions when I see someone I really like or dislike, or is particularly goodlooking or whatever. 

 

I've decided that I will go on buspar again. I'm really looking forward to my appointment tomorrow with my psychologist. I like talking about it with someone, although I'm scared that I will just talk in circles or that it has to end somewhere. I want to get down to the bottom of this, basically. Maybe I will go into neuroscience.

 

I had a good day in the city today, actually. There's this one friend I have that I really like talking to. She is just pleasant and cool and quirky and reserved. I'm worried that she doesn't like me as much or just finds me childlike and annoying or something. She took my mind off of anhedonia for several hours today. She said she wants to hang out with me tomorrow so that's cool! She is a comfort, albeit only as much as I am capable of feeling, a minimal, weird, off sort of comfort.

 

I don't have a personality. Normally I would have a very rich distinct strong personality. Buspar brings much of it back. I can laugh and make people laugh, and I can get interested in things! Like drugs and celebrities and shows and everything life has to offer basically. I haven't taken buspar long term, so I can't tell if I've felt the best it can do or if there's more. I'm looking forward to being able to feel some on buspar, again. It's such a good thing that I stumbled on the something that actually helps. 

I am insanely tired right now. Hopefully I finally get a decent 8 hours in tonight. It'll be easier to deal tomorrow, since my period should be ending soon. Also, that has been freakishly light for the longest time, and I hope that that is post-ssri involved because maybe that means hormonal intervention could help me too. 

[Jemima]

I think you're asking for a setback. I hope I'm wrong, but I wouldn't touch Buspar although I'm impatiently awaiting the anhedonia to be done and gone.  It seems to me that at some point you might have to stop taking Buspar, and then where are you? Will the SSRI damage have resolved itself behind the scenes?  I doubt it very much. I would expect even more long-term damage.

 

This is the description of Buspar from the Mayo Clinic's website:

 

"Buspirone is used to treat certain anxiety disorders or to relieve the symptoms of anxiety. However, buspirone usually is not used for anxiety or tension caused by the stress of everyday life.

 

It is not known exactly how buspirone works to relieve the symptoms of anxiety. Buspirone is thought to work by decreasing the amount and actions of a chemical known as serotonin in certain parts of the brain. (Emphasis mine.)

 

This medicine is available only with your doctor's prescription.

 

This product is available in the following dosage forms:

• Tablet'

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/drug-information/DR600277

 

In other words, no one knows how it works except that it alters the amount of serotonin that's available to your nervous system, the same neurotransmitter that SSRIs affect.  That sounds like trouble to me.

[amiss]

I think you're asking for a setback. I hope I'm wrong, but I wouldn't touch Buspar although I'm impatiently awaiting the anhedonia to be done and gone.  It seems to me that at some point you might have to stop taking Buspar, and then where are you? Will the SSRI damage have resolved itself behind the scenes?  I doubt it very much. I would expect even more long-term damage.

 

This is the description of Buspar from the Mayo Clinic's website:

 

"Buspirone is used to treat certain anxiety disorders or to relieve the symptoms of anxiety. However, buspirone usually is not used for anxiety or tension caused by the stress of everyday life.

 

It is not known exactly how buspirone works to relieve the symptoms of anxiety. Buspirone is thought to work by decreasing the amount and actions of a chemical known as serotonin in certain parts of the brain. (Emphasis mine.)

 

This medicine is available only with your doctor's prescription.

 

This product is available in the following dosage forms:

• Tablet'

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/drug-information/DR600277

 

In other words, no one knows how it works except that it alters the amount of serotonin that's available to your nervous system, the same neurotransmitter that SSRIs affect.  That sounds like trouble to me.

 

I hear your opinion and I have discussed that with my psychologist. We've decided I have only two options. Plan A, take buspar or Plan B, wait.

 

Buspar isn't even effective for anxiety. I don't care what they market it for, I care about the mechanism, and I know for certain that stimulating the 5ht1a receptor gives me a wider range of emotion and returns some of my personality and desires. 

 

I'm imparting Plan A because a greater part of me believes that those treated with SSRI's at a young age have permanently changed brains. So many studies to back this up. I am only living on the hope that I can change those changes back again, somehow, and well, the only way is through substances that specifically affect serotonin. 

 

It's tragically unfortunate, but I didn't start taking SSRI's when I was in my 40's, like so many of you here. Yeah, lucky older people, your brain can return to homeostasis but mine was altered at a critical point in development, so it has molded itself around the mechanism of the offending medication. If you can provide me some genuine hard evidence against what I am saying here, then I will hold off on all medication. I know that older people can heal, but show me some stories where kids haven't been permanently affected. 

 

Should I wait 40 years in an anhedonic state and finally kill myself? Or should I take a combination of meds and supplements that will at least make the most of my experience on earth while I can? 

 

Why would I have to stop taking buspar? People take other psych drugs for decades. I'm not happy about having to experiment with medication to feel partially normal, but I have not had a change in my anhedonia in over 2 years, and I am only 18 years old. It sucks being a college student without a personality. I cannot call myself a human. 

[theelt712]

I honestly feel the same exact way, amiss, I just wish there was more hope for us teens. Maybe one of us will come out of it.

[Petunia]

 

I'm imparting Plan A because a greater part of me believes that those treated with SSRI's at a young age have permanently changed brains. So many studies to back this up....

 

 

What studies? Please would you provide a bit more information or links to these studies.

[amiss]

 

 

I'm imparting Plan A because a greater part of me believes that those treated with SSRI's at a young age have permanently changed brains. So many studies to back this up....

 

 

What studies? Please would you provide a bit more information or links to these studies.

 

http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0924977X05000994

 

There's one. I'd rather not dig for more because it upsets me, but there are many more. 

[Petunia]

Thanks Amiss,

I was thinking you were referring to studies on humans, but this is a rat study.

[amiss]

There's probably studies on humans too. There's many anecdotal reports. No hope for a natural recovery for us youths. 

 

I'm observing others' emotional reactions to life, closely. Sometimes they get excited, and I am jealous of that, but usually they're pretty baseline as well. 

 

I saw a fraction of my personality again today, as I am getting closer to my roommate so my social anxiety/awkwardness is less and I think she really likes me now. We're good for each other. I mean, there are some parts of her that I don't like as I am sure there are parts of me she doesn't like, but there is a balance and we trust and help each other. We exchanged poetry today, in our room, and just overall bonded about how we feel about other people, and we see each other naked, like I feel like we're the perfect roommates for one another 

 

I'm comparing myself now to my past self. I obviously have the same behaviors as I always did, and I am 'happy' to see that I find humor in a lot of things, and can make people cry with laughter still, and even though I can't deeply feel the laugh, I still laugh, although not as often as I would if I were normal. I know that as a person grows older, life gets less intense, I understand that, but there is unmistakably an important part missing from my life. A huge part, the part that makes life, life. I can't liken it to purgatory or a cage, but to a limit. There's a limit to my love, thanks Feist.

 

The cute boy in my class and in the neighboring dorm would be such a gift to pre-ssri me! Wow, how I would have enjoyed him. He gives me attention and thrust his notebook into my hands when I mentioned that I came unprepared to class. I'm not sure if he's being extra-sweet to me, since I know he's a flirt and always has girls around. He's such an attractive boy, like pre-ssri me would be absolutely melting all day after an event like that. Whenever we pass we make eye contact and say Hi and he's just a lovely boy, wasting his time on a wasted shell of a human like me. He has the capacity to love and have fun and get excited and cry and get interested in things. His roommate is super adorable too. I taught him how to do laundry today, because he asked so sweetly. I would love college, oh how memorable this day would be. I'm journaling here, so maybe if I am ever in another state I can read this back and glean some joy from having such nice experiences.

 

I drank a coffee today. This is monumental because of how I felt AFTER caffeine. I got hyper, jittery, felt some inkling of excitement and more actively looked forward to my classes. Also I cried in my history class. Normally I would be so embarassed, no... normally I would NEVER cry in public! I shed like two tears because I like roman history so much and also I though of how I do miss my mom and I want to talk to her, but that longing was fleeting and I went back to baseline non-missing, non-caring. It didn't feel totally genuine, I don't think. It felt artificial, but hey at least I cried a tiny bit, that's cool. I intend on crying tomorrow when I explain my situation to the psych to get some buspar, or whatever she might come up with. 

 

In my stats class I felt an electric spasm in my brow, like the one I felt on the plane, but much much less severe. I also had some left-side muscle spasms, probably came out due to being nervous in a new class. 

 

I've gotten like half of my homework done for Friday and several books are on their way, hopefully they'll make it where I want them. Hope I sleep well again tonight,

 

Oh yeah I had a vivid dream last night! I was in a large building, looked like a dorm building/castle/furniture store or something and this kid from my hall, A, was smoking weed and I said something to him. Some other stuff happened too but I forgot it. I thought about my 'limits' in my dream, like right before I woke up. That was unfortunate. Usually I get relief from rumination while I sleep/dream and awaken to the terrible reality but this was like a crossover. Probably because I've been thinking about it so much. I mean, what else is there to think about?

 

I'm always surprised how I can still pay attention to homework and think analytically. It's a wonder. I just have no joy. I just pretend to have joy sometimes, send false messages back home. I listen to music despite not feeling any true feelings. 

 

What an enigma.

[alexjuice]

 

 

 

I'm imparting Plan A because a greater part of me believes that those treated with SSRI's at a young age have permanently changed brains. So many studies to back this up....

 

 

What studies? Please would you provide a bit more information or links to these studies.

 

http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0924977X05000994

 

There's one. I'd rather not dig for more because it upsets me, but there are many more. 

 

Ha. This study? On rats? Even then no significant findings:

 

 

Apparently, chronic treatment with SSRIs during adolescence may cause mild changes in adult behavior.

Mild changes, come on. And perhaps realize that in a rat study the dosage are far larger. That study injected the unfortunate rats with 15mg/kg of paxil. For a 150lb (68kg) person that's like taking about 1000mg of paxil a day which probably ought to cause more than "mild changes in adult behavior" ...

 

There are zero studies proving a permanently disabled brain because the SSRIs are only a little over a couple of decades old. I would not worry at all about this or allow nonsense  of any sort to interfere with your comportment.

[amiss]

Okay. I suppose there is no definitive proof that it is a permanent change. But I am not convinced for either way. 

 

I met with a psych today, and cried a little, out of frustration. We talked for an hour and she prescribed me wellbutrin and recommended that I get my thyroid checked. it would cost $53 though. I can get it done at the school, even all my meds come through the school. Very convenient, but I don't know if I want to pay $53 for something that is probably inconclusive. She said I should just get TSH and free t4. Maybe I should? I mean this is what I wanted so badly back at home... now it's at my disposal for a probably decent price. I don't have to drive anywhere, it's a short walk away. 

 

I'm worried about wellbutrin. She said that things will likely get better over time. But she could see that I'm desperate. 

[Altostrata]

It's unlikely Wellbutrin will help. Common side effects are anxiety and insomnia.

 

Any time you cry in front of a doctor, you're going to get an antidepressant prescription.

 

Read up on thyroid problems, do you have any other thyroid-related symptoms?

 

It's entirely possible you still have post-withdrawal syndrome from your cold turkey off citalopram in 2011. Also, as you noted, you've ingested recreational drugs in the meantime that might have further destabilized your nervous system.

 

Have you tried fish oil and magnesium?

[theelt712]

Welbutrin is also well known to induce siezures in some people. I would be cautious.

[amiss]

It's unlikely Wellbutrin will help. Common side effects are anxiety and insomnia.

 

Any time you cry in front of a doctor, you're going to get an antidepressant prescription.

 

Read up on thyroid problems, do you have any other thyroid-related symptoms?

 

It's entirely possible you still have post-withdrawal syndrome from your cold turkey off citalopram in 2011. Also, as you noted, you've ingested recreational drugs in the meantime that might have further destabilized your nervous system.

 

Have you tried fish oil and magnesium?

 

I don't care about anxiety and insomnia. I would take having panic attacks all day and never sleeping over not being able to feel anything. 

 

Wellbutrin is used for PSSD, why wouldn't it help? I smoked weed a couple hours ago. It certainly doesnt feel like the weed does anything harmful at all. I have tried fish oil and it gives me IBS and makes me feel odd (even more odd) and I haven't tried magnesium but why would it help with pleasure? 

[amiss]

I don't know if I should ask for buspar... I don't see why wellbutrin would help. I need to consult someone right now.. I wish I could talk to the psychologist or the psych right now. Cuz this sucks so hard. 

 

I took half of the wellbutrin this morning and felt a bit altered but idk. It's supposed to help with reward and reinforcement I think? How is it prescribed for restless legs if it can also cause tremors? Everything is so confusing. 

 

I can't connect with anyone. I guess today after the wellbutrin I looked at my teacher and saw him as a human being, with a life, with a family, a lover. I did get a hint of deepness of life, maybe. Could be placebo but that's unlikely. This state allows no placebos. 

 

I just need to know if it can get better on its own. I've read too many stories about teens put on prozac who never recovered. 

[Petunia]

 

 

I don't care about anxiety and insomnia. I would take having panic attacks all day and never sleeping over not being able to feel anything. 

 

Wellbutrin is used for PSSD, why wouldn't it help? I smoked weed a couple hours ago.......

 

..........

I don't know if I should ask for buspar... I don't see why wellbutrin would help. I need to consult someone right now.. I wish I could talk to the psychologist or the psych right now. Cuz this sucks so hard. 

 

I took half of the wellbutrin this morning and felt a bit altered but idk. It's supposed to help with reward and reinforcement I think?

 

 

I'm a bit confused, I thought you were here because you want support to stay off drugs and medication so that you could recover and get back to feeling like yourself, your natural self.  If you keep using substances which alter your brain chemistry, then you are  putting your brain chemistry even more out of balance and continuing to destabilize your nervous system.

 

If you use Wellbutrin to artificially stimulate your dopamine/reward system, how is your natural system going to heal and come back online?

 

If you smoke weed to feel good and artificially boost whatever brain chemicals that messes with...... ditto?

 

Its your decision though.

 

Alto suggested fish oil and magnesium because they can sometimes help to reduce withdrawal symptoms slightly and help with healing, in some people, without there being a continuing effect on NS and brain chemistry. 

 

In previous posts, you seemed to be doing better, shopping, exercising and getting to know your room mate.  I know you want to feel better right now, but its going to take some more time, if you take short cuts, to get instant pleasure, you may be hurting yourself worse in the long run. The Wellbutrin might make you feel better, temporarily, idk, but then you would be dependent on another toxic medication. Can you find a therapist who will support you without prescribing more meds?

[Altostrata]

....I don't care about anxiety and insomnia. I would take having panic attacks all day and never sleeping over not being able to feel anything.....

Please read some of the other Intro topics here and decide if you want to make that trade off. Believe me, not sleeping makes everything else worse.amiss, you seem to want a quick fix. When your nervous system is upset by withdrawal, anything you throw at it is likely to make it worse. You need to treat it very gently and give it time to recover.The emotional numbness is part of the nervous system upset. You cannot take a pill to fix it.We cannot recommend any drugs to treat withdrawal syndrome. It's purely hit or miss. Many people react badly to additional drugs.If you are having a bad reaction to fish oil or magnesium, start with less. Both are lacking in our diets and can help heal the nervous system.

[flower]

Am saying a prayer for you Amiss.I know the desperation you feel..

[theelt712]

Thinking of you today...hope college and Oregon is all well.

[Jemima]

 

I think you're asking for a setback. I hope I'm wrong, but I wouldn't touch Buspar although I'm impatiently awaiting the anhedonia to be done and gone.  It seems to me that at some point you might have to stop taking Buspar, and then where are you? Will the SSRI damage have resolved itself behind the scenes?  I doubt it very much. I would expect even more long-term damage.

 

This is the description of Buspar from the Mayo Clinic's website:

 

"Buspirone is used to treat certain anxiety disorders or to relieve the symptoms of anxiety. However, buspirone usually is not used for anxiety or tension caused by the stress of everyday life.

 

It is not known exactly how buspirone works to relieve the symptoms of anxiety. Buspirone is thought to work by decreasing the amount and actions of a chemical known as serotonin in certain parts of the brain. (Emphasis mine.)

 

This medicine is available only with your doctor's prescription.

 

This product is available in the following dosage forms:

• Tablet'

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/drug-information/DR600277

 

In other words, no one knows how it works except that it alters the amount of serotonin that's available to your nervous system, the same neurotransmitter that SSRIs affect.  That sounds like trouble to me.

 

 

Why would I have to stop taking buspar? People take other psych drugs for decades. I'm not happy about having to experiment with medication to feel partially normal, but I have not had a change in my anhedonia in over 2 years, and I am only 18 years old. It sucks being a college student without a personality. I cannot call myself a human. 

 

 

Why?  For one thing, no one knows how Buspar works so the long-term consequences are unknown. Second, there's a well-known phenomena in psychiatric drug use called colloquially, "poop-out". This means that although a person is taking the prescribed dose, it no longer works and the person goes into withdrawal the same as if they had stopped it cold turkey.  At that point, usually all sorts of dangerous things are tried such as raising the dose, switching drugs, et cetera.  This can be the path straight to numerous mistaken psychiatric diagnoses and withdrawal Hell.

 

I think you're taking an unacceptable risk to feel the way you want to feel IMMEDIATELY.

[amiss]

 

I'm a bit confused, I thought you were here because you want support to stay off drugs and medication so that you could recover and get back to feeling like yourself, your natural self.  If you keep using substances which alter your brain chemistry, then you are  putting your brain chemistry even more out of balance and continuing to destabilize your nervous system.

 

If you use Wellbutrin to artificially stimulate your dopamine/reward system, how is your natural system going to heal and come back online?

 

If you smoke weed to feel good and artificially boost whatever brain chemicals that messes with...... ditto?

 

Its your decision though.

 

Alto suggested fish oil and magnesium because they can sometimes help to reduce withdrawal symptoms slightly and help with healing, in some people, without there being a continuing effect on NS and brain chemistry. 

 

In previous posts, you seemed to be doing better, shopping, exercising and getting to know your room mate.  I know you want to feel better right now, but its going to take some more time, if you take short cuts, to get instant pleasure, you may be hurting yourself worse in the long run. The Wellbutrin might make you feel better, temporarily, idk, but then you would be dependent on another toxic medication. Can you find a therapist who will support you without prescribing more meds?

 

 

Fish oil was too hard on my stomach, even after just taking one pill. I have heard that it can hurt sexual function as well. I feel like drinking and smoking weed occasionally isn't a big deal... it makes me feel more alive the next day, too, somehow. Maybe because after a somewhat good time I feel a bit more relaxed about my situation. I am super skeptical about the wellbutrin, I've only taken 37mg every other day... for 2 doses... I am so afraid of it but I am even more afraid of numbness.

 

 

....I don't care about anxiety and insomnia. I would take having panic attacks all day and never sleeping over not being able to feel anything.....

Please read some of the other Intro topics here and decide if you want to make that trade off. Believe me, not sleeping makes everything else worse.amiss, you seem to want a quick fix. When your nervous system is upset by withdrawal, anything you throw at it is likely to make it worse. You need to treat it very gently and give it time to recover.The emotional numbness is part of the nervous system upset. You cannot take a pill to fix it.We cannot recommend any drugs to treat withdrawal syndrome. It's purely hit or miss. Many people react badly to additional drugs.If you are having a bad reaction to fish oil or magnesium, start with less. Both are lacking in our diets and can help heal the nervous system.

 

I have treated it well for 2 years with no windows. I can't start with even less fish oil, it just doesnt agree with my stomach. I eat extremely well at college, most of the food is organic and humanely raised and lots of veggies and everything...

 

Am saying a prayer for you Amiss.I know the desperation you feel..

Thinking of you today...hope college and Oregon is all well.

 

Thanks you guys. Thinking of you as well.

 

 

 

Why?  For one thing, no one knows how Buspar works so the long-term consequences are unknown. Second, there's a well-known phenomena in psychiatric drug use called colloquially, "poop-out". This means that although a person is taking the prescribed dose, it no longer works and the person goes into withdrawal the same as if they had stopped it cold turkey.  At that point, usually all sorts of dangerous things are tried such as raising the dose, switching drugs, et cetera.  This can be the path straight to numerous mistaken psychiatric diagnoses and withdrawal Hell.

 

I think you're taking an unacceptable risk to feel the way you want to feel IMMEDIATELY.

 

 

In the position I'm in, I can't just sit in numbness. I should be able to interact with people and have a good college experience. This is an extremely expensive private school and I want to make the most of it. I'm desperate, and I fondly remember the good times on buspar.

 

I didn't take the wellbutrin this morning, but I took the second half of the pill yesterday morning. I do feel slightly different, just a different kind of altered mind state to my usual altered mind state. I've had more sexual thoughts, and don't feel the hopelessness. I also watched some tv last night and liked it... and drew some stuff and enjoyed my room a little bit more. I bonded with my roommate some more. I felt a cloud of depression and loneliness at times that was hard, but when I feel above that depression I am glad for it. I also have felt more self-conscious and had minimally higher natural urges to listen to songs and watch tv. I am not currently suicidal at all! I also texted my friends from home recently. I have also noticed small instances of beauty and nostalgia and anxiety. Wellbutrin might just be making me slightly high, I think. 

 

It's definitely minor, but wellbutrin does do something. I am on an insanely small dose, just half of the smallest pill, 75 mg, and am only taking it every other day, which is not how it was prescribed but... I don't think I'll take it tomorrow. I will stop the wellbutrin for now, until I get desperate again. 

 

I'm going to see the psychologist again on Thursday I believe. I am looking forward to that but I'm not sure what to talk about with him. 

[areyouthere]

Amiss... I'm glad that the initial college expererience is somewhat positive! That is GREAT news!!

 

Regarding the Wellbutrin. I did an experiment with that myself recently and can confirm that it can lift spirits a bit. I am in a different place than you ( retired .. have no demanding schedules, expectations etc.) so will attempt to ward off SAD which I suffer from using my light box & other natural strategies instaed of bumping up the Wellbutrin 

 

BUT... at least for me it does definitely take away low mood. Not surprising it did for you. Being in the northern latitudes you might want to watch your symptoms over the years. I saw a pattern in that if I were to have a rough patch it would always be in November...the month we lose the most sunlight. Thus the light box. It does work for me but I won't hesitate to bump up the Wellbutrin as a last resort myself.

 

I suffer from SAD. 

 

Have a great 1st semester Amiss!!!

 

RU

 

ps. I see that you have been critisized for the drug stuff & want to affirm that as well by explaining that when I tried the bump in wellbutrin recently I felt some relief from the impending dreary winter I reflected on how it made me feel. I recognized that the lift in mood was artificial. By that it DID feel drug induced. I didn't and DON'T like that feeling & thus will do everything I can to not use it. I am sick and tired of drugs. See my signature... I am actively struggling with tapering multiple drugs myself after having been polydrugged for years. 

 

My decsision with NOT bumping the Wellbutrin is based on my realization that I have GOT TO LEARN how to deal with life and my moods in a natural way and I have the time, tools and have no excuse to not try EVERYTHING possible to ward off my depression.

 

HOWEVER..... I also have to take into account my "quality of life" and if a bump in Wellbutrin as a last resort will get me through a dark, endless hole ( I've been in it many times) then I will take it.

[Altostrata]

amiss, you are plagued with the "shoulds." Many people enjoy college, but some find it stressful. Rather than having a good time at any cost, if you are recovering from withdrawal syndrome, your first priority is to take care of yourself, not to try to be a "normal" college student.

 

Drinking and recreational drugs can indeed further stress your nervous system.

 

However, as areyouthere said, whatever you need to do to take care of yourself is what you do. You are the best judge of what you need.

 

If it upsets your stomach, like any supplement, fish oil might best be taken with food. But if it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work.

 

There are no quick fixes for withdrawal syndrome.

[amiss]

I don't have the capability of feeling depression. I was not taking Wellbutrin because of depression. I want to feel depression. I want to feel. I don't think you understand. 

 

I got my blood drawn and will get the TSH and free t4 results on Thursday or Friday. I hope they are out of whack. 

 

I went for a two mile run today with my roommate in the forest. I wasn't very social today, but then again today was kind of an off day. My body is sore and people are blasting music in the next dorm over. I wish I could just fall asleep. In my dreams I usually get to forget about this crap. Living like this is hard. Bad state right now. 

[amiss]

I'm sorry if I come off as rude, I am just struggling and frustrated and have accepted that my condition is one that doesn't get better. 

 

Yesterday after reading of another guy talking about anhedonia and PSSD for 7 years straight after Celexa, I fell into a blunted depression and low frustrated mood that continued through today. It made me decide to take another half of wellbutrin this morning. I feel some muscle weakness and twitches. I thought semi-sexual thoughts. I daydreamed and was distracted in class. I desired alcohol and caffeine. 

 

My mama is coming to visit me tomorrow. Long plane flight here. We're gonna have a relaxing day tomorrow in Portland and then we'll go for a trip round Mt Hood. I texted her telling her I was excited to see her, I wish that was true, I wish I could feel excitement. 

 

I miss the relatable depression, the one that made songs make sense. I miss buspar, I want it again... it worked and brought some of me back... I want to show my peers that I am an awesome person, not this floating entity of not much of anything. 

 

I like talking to the psychologist, and I especially feel a gratefulness in my stomach when people show affection and compassion towards me. Even an online message that someone sent me saying that I could go to them for support for anything... it's a soft point for me. I notice that whenever I talk or hear about certain things, I tear up. Like when I talk about how much I love my mom and couldn't allow her to feel hurt, or about how my dad wasn't good to us growing up, but I still love him because he loves me and needs me, and when someone tells me that they're going to try to help me... I guess that makes me feel loved and worthy somehow.

 

I love my mom so much. I wish I could feel it, but at least I feel enough to keep me alive for her sake. 

 

The way I see things now is that I need to do whatever I can to get my humanity back. I've tried a lot, but I feel like unfortunately only more psych meds is what's gonna bring me somewhat close to who I am. Buspar didn't even make me feel fake or high, it just restored some. And I fell in love. 

[theelt712]

Hey, I know it is bad right now but I am beginning to have minor anhedonic improvements. We are relatively in the same age group with similar backgrounds. Only now am I beginning to write more and try getting back to old me. 20% ish, I say. Some can argue that you have intrrupted your healing by disrupting the nervous system with more drugs. I hope things improve.

[amiss]

Day 6 of wellbutrin I think... I'm not taking the full 75 mg yet but maybe I'll bump up tomorrow. I'm not sure how long I'm deciding to take it for... as far as I know, it's just changing my state of mind. It doesn't work like the buspar did, which was basically immediate. 

 

I have some minor twitching and I don't know if this is a side effect that abates after awhile or if it's something that can only get worse. I notice that it's more if I feel anxious or uncertain, so sometimes I think it could be placebo, because when I'm in close contact with others I do not feel it, or at least don't notice it? There's a whirring under my skin.

 

This music sounds like **** and it sounds like I've never heard it before, even though it was once one of my favorite songs from my favorite band. It sounds weird. Kind of like how everything feels. Weird, off. Mostly just off. Weird implies interesting.

 

I have been having more social urges, more romantic urges...

 

I don't feel embarassment anymore. I miss that. I've been laughing a lot but I don't feel it... last night my bed felt somewhat relieving. 

 

If I'm gonna twitch might as well twitch on buspar. Hell... that could've been influenced by anxiety. It really could have been. I like the mania I get on buspar because it's not flatness. I also like that it works.

 

I saw a cat that looked like my old one and teared up because my baby.

[amiss]

Last Friday night I had two beers and smoked waaaay too much weed by accident... it was very strong weed... and I got extremely depersonalized. I was quite worried that I'd be stuck like that forever. Both depersonalized and anhedonic, now that would be no life to live.

 

Depersonalization is tricky because once you return to normal, you forget how utterly horrific it is. Like I remember telling myself that I should count myself lucky if I ever got back to normal. The first time I smoked weed I got a panic attack and was depersonalized for two years straight. It was a terrifying, uncomfortable time, and now I understand why I resorted to medication.

 

I really shouldn't regret. Regret is bad, it's unproductive. It's actually harmful to me, it makes me dread my life. While I was drunk, high, depersonalized, hyperventilating in my bed desperately trying to calm myself down somehow, I had an intensely rational moment that was kind of nice? I clearly and calmly thought to myself: Depersonalization is really difficult, but it will pass. The anhedonia is difficult but it is something I must accept. I will take buspar and feel as much as I can feel with the buspar. At one point on the buspar I remember telling myself that I felt 85% normal. And that means without depersonalization, too. 

 

The next day, after the depersonalization spell, I still felt really spacey when we went to brunch. I socialized as much as possible even though I was out of it. Speech actually came slightly easier to me. I went downtown with my roommate and on the bus I had another moment of grateful peace and felt something switch in my brain and the depersonalization went away. However I started to come down with a cold and it got reaaaally bad. Last night was a really poor sleep. Tomorrow I have no classes so I can sleep in and hopefully won't be too low to get homework done. 

 

I'm still on wellbutrin but I'm tapering off of it. I don't feel the twitches anymore. Or at least they're not obvious. I'm gonna tell my psychologist that I'm gonna get back on buspar. I think anxiety had a lot to do with the twitching. I only experienced twitching when I started taking buspar prior to a huge solo-backpacking trip which I was reaaaally freaking out over. So maybe twitching isn't a problem for me after all!

 

I'm not doing well right now. My cold is better though. But I'm PMSing and that's ALWAYS the hardest week for me. My roommate's out and I suppose I'm kind of lonely. Today I actually desired a hug. So maybe the wellbutrin is doing something? Still I don't want to be on it. It carries so many more risks than buspar.

 

Things I've noticed with wellbutrin:

 

I feel high sometimes

I think about people's lives more

I care slightly more about others, to socialize

I feel small snippets of nostalgia

When I yawn my eyes tear up sometimes and I can feel more of the yawn!

Sneezes aren't totally pleasureless

I create some pretty cool art!

I want to buy things for myself

 

I got kind of interested/excited over a boy today. I pointed him out at dinner. He was eating alone. He's beautiful. 

 

These aren't particularly life-changing, because I still had some such things over the past couple years even without buspar.

 

In fact I fondly recall this overnight relay for life thing. It was kind of magical, candles, my friends, a boy that I was mildly interested in who played guitar for me. I also have good memories of drama club in high school. Macbeth. I had adrenaline on stage, the feeling of lying on the floorboards. That hike on Mt. Washington. The clouds sweeping over the rock. The crazy lady who asked us if we were from the Soviet Union.

 

My roommate thinks I'm a pretty cool person I think. I often make her laugh so hard that she cries and we already have a lot of inside jokes. I try really really hard to be someone. To try to recreate who I was. She's very passionate and emotional and extremely into music, so she kind of indirectly pushes me to keep listening and humming and singing. I'm glad I wrote all of this out. 

[Petunia]

Thank you for posting an update Amiss, I'm glad you took the time to write it all out, I hope it made you feel better, even though you didn't say it did.  I've always found that writing about a situation or events, when I'm feeling bad, helps to bring some clarity and release negative emotions.

 

If you read back through your thread over time as you recover, it will remind you how far you have come and what things you have done which help or hinder your healing process.  I completely agree with you about regret being useless, its much more productive to realize our mistakes and learn from them by doing something different next time.

 

It seems like you are getting some feeling back at times, that's a good sign.

 

 

 

 

[amiss]

Thanks, it did make me feel better to write it all out. My feeling isn't coming back, though. This is just the extent of my limited emotions. They've been limited to just this for 2+ years. Although I've been thinking back to the time in Fall 2011 that I was in drama club and genuinely enjoyed it. That was around the time I got my driver's license. Driving was fun, Halloween was fun, I got a car, and I have strong memories of some days. Life was actually kind of intense. But I didn't get to experience it with a normal extent of emotion, with my true personality, with my fullest capabilities. 

 

I'm weaning off the wellbutrin because yeah, any 'good' feeling is perfectly artifical. I don't care to feel good, I care to feel anything like a normal person feels anything. I'm also afraid of the craaaazy side effects it can have. 

 

I'm going back on buspar though. I need this. God, I can't wait to enjoy stuff. I'm gonna talk to the psychologist tomorrow and tryta figure something out.

 

I'm trudging through this PMS week. I like college. I'm starting to understand schoolwork. I know I'm doing really well in my history class, at least. 

 

Today my roommate said I should be a comedian! Someone told me that in fall of 2011 too. (: It made me proud of myself. I make her cry with laughter almost everyday. Recently, since I'm getting more comfortable with people, I can hold longer conversations and connect more, make jokes, even tell stories. We have so many inside jokes it's crazy but we keep it up and I laugh everyday. I often forget about the anhedonia when I'm laughing and socializing, or paying attention in class. The buspar will bring back a good ability to make deeper relationships and fall in love. So ready for that. 

[amiss]

Things are not going well. I feel pretty alone in this right now. It doesn't help that my roommates not here, she's at work. I'll feel better after writing things out though.

 

Some good things, first:

I got an 87 on an essay, which I was really worried about. I felt so lost in that class until now. College is not as bad as it seems. I have been doing well in history and politics too. I have plans to work on stats homework with a friend at the library tomorrow.

I just cried out of frustration with psychiatrists. 

Two of my hallmates approached me today and asked for my number. I don't feel as unwanted as I did the past few days.

I'm going home for a weekend soon.

I texted my cousin, my best friend, and my mom today.

I drew a hallmate last night, per her request. 

 

Some bad things now:

I can't get buspar. My old psych refuses to refill the prescription, and the new one wants my money. I have senselessly, pointlessly spent a lot of money on health bullsh*t at college already. I emailed my counseler and explained my stresses and asked if i can somehow obtain buspar without an expensive appointment. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I NEED TO PAY THE WOMAN $40 JUST TO ASK FOR BUSPAR. It'll literally take less than a minute. 30 seconds is not something I'm will to pay $40 for. And the buspar is going to be anothe expense. So what the ****. 

 

I don't feel better after writing that out.

[amiss]

I forgot to mention that I'm on my period, which is a HUGE factor in how well I can cope with all of this. I know this is the lowest of my lows for the month.

 

I'm extremely mad at the psych for trying to suck money out of me. I am already dealing with life's biggest problem, I don't need her extra bullsh*t.

 

The only person other than my counseler who has any idea of this, the only person I can talk to, is a friend in my hall and she's gone for the weekend. I think I should entrust someone else but I don't know who I can talk to. I need to get buspar I need the counseler to email me back please. 

[amiss]

I gave in. I made the appointment. I'm going to start taking buspar tomorrow.

 

Lately I've been taking ginseng. Maybe for a week so far so I don't know if it does anything, but this past period made me pretty emotional. I laughed so hard last night, I hadn't laughed like that in a long time. I miss my mom. Oh god I do. 

 

In this strange mind I live with now, I don't know how to speak anymore. I hear nothing, it's as if though a filter exists, straining what I can comprehend. It used to be stubbornness, maybe it was built by stubbornness and cemented by the drug. I don't know the difference between getting older or the anhedonia. 

 

I have a headache I want to talk to someone I want to be held, finally, I want the warm skin of someone who's on my side. I miss my cat, my sweet black baby. I want to kiss his face to smell his fur. My baby who died 4 years ago so terribly, alone, I couldn't be there for him, I never grieved properly. I never experienced any emotion properly. I feel stifled in this school right now, I don't know when my roommate is coming back, I can't handle human touch because my scoliosis scares me.

 

Maybe the end of 2012 was a turning point for me, maybe something did gradually lift? Something special definitely happened when I was doing drama club. I felt like I could cope with life, I realized I enjoyed drama, I really did, I felt somewhat at home at drama club. there was a definite magic in those halls, behind that stage. Something worked there for me. I would have nostalgia lying on the ground of that stage. It's hard to see the calendar of life in my head.

 

I met this kid named Jack and he's a certainly magical boy. R was describing a makeout session she had with him while we were having a fun dinner one night at the cafeteria. He's a drifter, he doesn't even go to this college. But he has a friend who goes here, so he's hanging out with him for awhile. I had nothing to do with him until last night. M came in with him into our room and introduced me to him, because I am an experienced mushroom hunter and he's very interested in that sort of thing. His irish face was glued to mine. He leaned close to me against my bed. I felt a connection with Jack. I didn't look very good, and wasn't in a particularly social mood but there he was so I did what I could. I was sipping rosehip tea and we discussed the black spore prints we made of a couple specimen we picked from a thousand caps sprouting from the mulchy patch by the reflecting pool during the rainstorm. I don't believe they're quite the psilocybes that they're looking for, but it was an experiment, to say the least. I think they're much better off purchasing them from a grower. But M is leaving for October break and so am I. I'm going home for like 2 days. It's going to be painful and hard, like my mom's visit was. I miss her. I want to go mushroom picking with her. I want her food and her by my side. I want to hear her voice and live with her. Is this the ginseng? God I love my mom, I miss her, I miss my cat. I'm worried about my dad's sanity. I need to have a good session with a therapist. My next appointment is the 16th, so far away, but good. 

[amiss]

I had a horrendous dream last night, probably because of the Buspar. I feel numb right now, still. I am feeling disconnected socially. Enough to make me cry a little bit. It's just that this morning at brunch I didn't know how to handle the situation. I'm feeling so back and forth about my relationships. With my roommate I believe and I know well that we are on great terms and we like each other and she has respect for me and really enjoys my presence but she's definitely PMS'ing now and it's hard on me too, because I know that's it, that it's not me, but I take a lot too personally and I've been consciously trying not to.

 

I'm also stressed about not reading my reading and having the stats midterm tomorrow morning and that I have to do public transportation and I have  aplane trip home this thursday. I wish I could feel some kind of comfort right now, I want to talk to someone but not feel so like blocked in every way. 

 

I walked into the common room and n and a were watching a movie together. I feel lonely and uncapable of becoming close with people. It was basically made public at brunch and I of course didnt do anything for my cause. I love these people and I want them to know that. I want to be loved and I would like the rest to know me like my roommate knows me. This is a bad feeling, I have too much on my shoulders. Right now nobody is going to dinner, except one girl, so I'm waiting for her. Conversation doesn't come naturally between us, it's hard. But she wants to go to dinner. I could ask several others but I am just feeling down.

[amiss]

Dinner was good. Foodwise and socially. I feel better but I miss my roommate. I think I like A. That's part of the reason I was mad about him and N watching a movie together. Buspar will make me like him even more, soon. He forced me into a hug twice today and made me put my head on his shoulder. He says my last name. He's so carefree and wouldn't know anything about me. I expressed my feelings before all this happened to I, and she was a good listener. 

 

His facebook says he's single. His ex is so pretty. My roommate still refers to her as his gf. She doesn't pay attention to Facebook. I'm not as pretty as her, and I'm cold and rash. I bet she was normal, smart, sweet, outgoing, as well as so so pretty. At dinner he asked us if he should cut his hair or let it grow out, and I said that I prefer short hair, but he didn't. Then he said we could never be together. !!! That's a negative thing out of context, but the fact that he even mentioned a relationship means he considered the opposite? Even if just for a split second. I said that I prefer short hair because I don't want competition. We both have volumunious curly dark hair. It made sense to say that. He laughs at my jokes and tries to console me. I can't tell if he's flirting or if that is just who he is, but I will continue to assume that's just who he is. He leans against my bed often. He asked me to draw him, but thats nothing huge since I draw so many people.

 

I don't know what this means for us but I sense less friendliness between us and more flirtatiousness. He'd be the absolute perfect boyfriend. His facebook status mentioned him being a hopeless romantic. I wonder how much having a bf would help me. Probably a good deal. He's such a good guy, a genuinely good guy. And so handsome and smart. 

[amiss]

Wow. Buspar is working. The night air smells better, the buildings are prettier, the days actually feel either good or bad, and I'm starting to like A. I feel a sort of comfort right now. I'm listening to music on purpose. This is only day 5 on buspar. I love buspar. I did well on my stats midterm but I failed a history quiz. I shed a tear at a documentary in class and shed some more after finding out the good news about my exam.

 

I wonder how far the good effects will go. I know that it gets even better than this, which it has to. Because now I can cope better, but its still not normal human-feeling. I remember that it never got that good. Sometimes I wonder if maybe buspar makes me feel even better than I would otherwise, but again, I have not had a controlled experiment with it, and with so many years without feeling much, any feeling seems monumental. 

 

Anyway so A played with my hair today, he requested I draw him a portrait of his favorite artist, and I sat next to him at dinner and he definitely opened his legs toward me and there was some serious body language going on. Slightly nervous, I brought up the couple of boys I have mini-crushes on at school. Nothing serious or actual. I actually like A, although it doesn't feel like a crush. It feels rather fake still. Hopefully within a few weeks once the buspar really kicks in I will not remember what it felt like to not feel. Anyway, sad stuff aside, on the walk back to our dorms A said that he wished that every person he likes would like him back. I remarked that I would have like 40 kids by now if that was the case. He finds me funny, he looks at me in what I think is a special way. But I get that he is naturally flirty and maybe I'm not special at all. My roommate is convinced that he has a gf, but I don't think sooooo. I mean he hugged me yesterday and one day I kind of bumped into him but not really when I was in just a towel and he made a face and I said What? and he just chuckled WHAT DOES ALL THIS MEAN I DONT UNDERSTAND BOYS ESPECIALLY FLIRTY BOYS. Why would he say that he wished people would like him back if he has a gf? Yeah. Exactly. Please like me. Jesus. I'm gonna try to look super cute tomorrow. 

 

Well, thanks, buspar.