amiss I'm having a really hard time, this is my story

[amiss]

I'm not feeling well at all. I have not had enough social contact to distract me from anhedonia today. The weather is kind of hurting my case too. I'm also stressed out about the flight home this week. And I've got a lot of homework.

 

Ok this is another sad, dreadful thought: I originally didn't think I was affected cognitively at all by the Celexa but maybe, maybe because I feel like I may have trouble thinking or something, because I kind of went irrationally insane after CT. I've been acting erratically and just illogically. Not totally, nothing that would endanger me too much, but sometimes I feel like I act extremely irrationally. And I can't complete thoughts in my head, but I felt really cognitively fucked when I was DP'd. But still, the idea that Celexa may have hurt me cognitvely is such a terrible extra thing. Maybe I'm just thinking this because college is hard and I feel dumb in my classes, like I can't think as abstractly as the others. However I've done well on my exams and essays, better than my classmates, so that's the only assurance I have that I'm not like, damaged. My psych doesn't think it's damage, and that it's not permanent, at least. But I'm taking buspar. I feel depressed today. I remember that often on the buspar I would feel depressed, sometimes angry, sometimes nervous. Human emotions, I suppose.

 

I called my mom today. I heard the age in her voice. I see the age in my face. 18 is so young but I may as well be 80 if I can't experience life. I get tearful when I think of her in this way. As something separate, mortal. It doesn't seem right. 

 

I really feel like A doesn't like me, ugh. It would be nice if he did. 

 

I feel like I am trapped under ice. In every way. Emotionally, intellectually. 

[Cookson]

Hi amiss,

 

I was on Citalopram like you.

Have been reading your posts and have found them very expressive and moving. And unfortunately for me, progressively relatable.

 

Even after being subjected to the drug for only a short amount of time I myself can see that I'm deteriorating as my identity is slowly being erased.

 

I'm tired of telling myself to put on a brave face trying to laugh It off and I need to face the reality of my situation. As opposed to fantasying in my dream world of how things used to be. I now know that my much better dreams are too much to expect.

 

I feel like an empty shell inside now, the inner me, which has been forged and bent through the obstacles and challenges of life feels to the point of being completely destroyed now. I would look to my inner me in times of distress and happiness charged with emotion but when I look now it is only empty.

 

I literally can feel myself being emptied of all emotion, As if I were the victim of a vampire and have been drained of my soul.

 

And when I do react to something ‘emotionally’ it’s only through memory of how I used to.

I’m losing my sense of direction and my emotional attachments to people, places, hobbies and past and future accomplishments.

 

I used to have such a pleasure for life, and how precious it was. It feels like a complete change in my personality.

I used to be such a confident, happy person.

 

And I think the funniest but saddest thing is of this living hell on earth is that I’m not even that depressed about my own predicament. The sickest thing is that I really

have no real feeling toward it.

 

I’ll be honest I have thought about ending it. One of the few comforting things I’m finding at the moment.

 

Just breaking myself from these chains and crossing through the storm and finally be free.

And if at least in my next life I’ll come back with the same issues and the same demons will be their but at least I won’t be emotionally lobotomised to face them.

 

I just want to feel again. I have to break free. We all have a God given right to something better then this.

 

So just to let you that I do care with all the last drops of compassion left In me and your not alone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[amiss]

How old are you? It can go away. Sometimes for people, it just does.

 

I can't say I lost who I was, because I still retain just about the same amount of identity I had as when I was incredibly depersonalized. Depersonalization was a natural phenomenon, this is not. I was never a happy or confident person. I was doomed to suffer my whole life; I could not accept reality, so my brain dissociated me from it. 

 

Well, no, I suppose I have lost my interests and that's what makes me who I am, but what were my interests before, when I was 15? I wanted to move across the country, travel a lot, hike a lot. I was interested in art and fashion and music. I liked running and reading. I still like all those things, I just lack the emotions needed to make them. 

 

The anhedonia is becoming more like frustration now. Transforming, thanks to the buspar. The guy from a different website I talk to tells me that wellbutrin and buspar help him get his emotions back 90%. That's really good. I know it's so good. But I want to be 100%, you know? It's not greed, I just really really want that 100% again. 

 

The fact that buspar exists is good! Please, Cookson, if after awhile (year or two) you see no improvement, then know that you can try buspar. It will bring you back 90%. Life will be worth living.

 

The people in my life, now, talk about me as being sensitive, touchy, emotional, in love with people and things. Since I feel so blunted, I instinctively try to force it out, and the way I express myself comes out as very alive. Last night I did feel excitement, but not a naturally normal one, but excitement.

 

Though it helps, I hate taking psych meds. I really appreciate what buspar can do, but I don't want to take it. I do because it's been too long.

 

The PSSD website says sexual dysfunction can last for years, and that means that even after 5 years it can go away. One guy posted on a PSSD website that he got better after 8 years. He'd tried many meds and supplements, and finally it just randomly returned.

 

However, I took Celexa very young, so my brain is probably permanently changed. But buspar brings me back 90%. Choline is recommended as well.

 

Today I feel stressed because I have a flight home tomorrow. I think I'll ask a friend for a ride to the airport rather than take public transportation. Maybe. Not sure. I have a lot of essays due Monday.

[amiss]

The buspar is giving me a voice, a tiny grip to hold onto, I am extremely jetlagged and tired, just got back home in MA from OR just for the weekend. I want to see my therapist. 6 more days til I get to. I need someone to talk to right now. I want someone to know everything about me and to help me. 

[Cookson]

I'm 19, Tried to get the big old cash cow while I'm young. Yes but when If ever? Its delays like this that nearly cost us Brits the Falkland's!

 

I was always used to having high ups and downs.

 

Generally through the day It's just so grey and black. Feels like I had the whole weight of the world on my shoulders and felt just ran into the ground. Just exhaustion really.

Then by evening/night would my mood flip. I've broken out of my cage and feels like complete freedom. Like I want to go out and tear everything In half that night and squeeze everything out of life. Thinking, mood, personality amplified. 

 

My Gift was my curse!

 

Not anymore :/

 

Tell me about it, You're talking to someone who would once if they wanted something would go out and get it. I used to run, do boxing and go out a lot.

 

Anhedonia? So there is actually a name for it? After being left prostrate from the destruction of your own emotions that is the word to describe this miserable state.

It just simply isn't natural this existence. It hurts but I can never show, If only if people could see how lonely and how cold. Numb is what I've become.

 

It was my best mates birthday a few days ago and he was having a party at his. He invited me round their early and we just chatted for a while. He was kind of worried about how I am now and knows I've changed since the Citalopram and describes me as 'calmer' and more 'passive' which was the complete opposite of how I used to be. It's one of the most depressing things having built up a character that you and your friends love just to watch It be smashed and disintegrate in front of your own eyes. 

 

Like even me spilling my crap over this forum righting books about how I'm feeling wanting reassurance and someone to rub my head and tell me 'Its gonna be okay

Billy' This just isn't me !!

 

Anyway my friend insists that I'm still inside their somewhere and just need time to recover.

 

Just before people start arriving, and turns round and says to me I know exactly what you need and offers a line of cocaine. By this point I don't care and after 3 lines I'm rollien.

 

By like 10 the party is whack-and I'm feeling alive again. By this point I feel like I've had my life handed back to me and am going wild.

 

And I cant believe my eyes what I'm seeing, so many beautiful women. Had forgotten how much these meds had affected my desire but Its back like a raging fire and these girls are good to go. I'm a sucker for a skin tight dress all fitted

 

But still I didn't feel right, like an incurable itch at the back of my skull.

 

Just a short crack from the black now I'm back. Back to the evil residence of work where I feel dismay, and I'm paying for It now shakes and all.

 

Full recovery doesn't happen,t is only minor. It is only after years that people forget who they once were and become used to the new them. Or they are in denial.

 

I'm never touching psch meds again but more because I'm not satisfied with 90 I want the 100 greed or no greed. My mentally is all or nothing and have always been that way.

I couldn't live the rest of my days knowing when I'm lying in my bed at deaths door that there was once a time, a brief one at that when I was truly free.

There once a time when things were so much better.

 

I'd rather find a place to hang a noose and knot it tight so I wont get loose!

 

I'm also seeing a therapist of some sort In a couple of weeks-whatever use that brings.

 

Hope things go well for you In that respects.

 

Your profile picture of the songbird in the cage is very relatable.

 

I've turned into a right soppy bollocks haven't I? haha

[amiss]

Ugh yeah, reading about how you feel makes my numbness more amplified, I don't like it. D: What I liked reading was about your coke experience. (:

 

You probably are still inside there, Billy. You can't talk like this yet. I was only 15 when I got put on Celexa, so my brain's changed. Yours is far more developed at 19. It can rebound. Remember the guy that had it for 8 years and recovered. 

At this point all I want is to get married and pretend to live, as that's as good as it's gonna get. Until maybe they develop treatment for this in the future, which is also a possibility. It's a great thing that cocaine worked at least that well for you. That gives me hope, because that means we have options. I'm taking buspar now, and in a month I should be coping much better. I've heard that adderall can help too, so there's another +1 for the stimulants. 

 

There's no point in complaining now, there's only room for asking "What do we do now?"

 

I don't care to hear about how other people are suffering with this because it only brings me down. I like to hear about people who are being proactive and seeing results. Like the guy I talk to who has achieved 95% of his sexuality back with buspar. He's married, has a couple dogs and a good job. That's the life I want, just a husband and a nice house. I just want to make sure my mom thinks I'm happy, because I love her so much.

 

I'm going to be positive here. I have a support system, my psych and my therapist. I have this site and I have the guy on the other site. I have buspar and I have the fact that I can still cry and laugh. I can still enjoy some things to an extent, and I can definitely pass college. 

 

I didn't feel real for a year and half, and that's why I took Celexa, because of depersonalization. It was pretty justified. Depersonalization is a very very horrific state. I have to forgive myself for this. It will get better. If not naturally, then through buspar and/or other things. 

[Cookson]

I'm still in the stage of being pissed about my situation. Although at last, all to well I'm beginning to see what I've done and going through my own experience of forgiving myself for what I did. I just won't be using the phrase 'I have no regrets anytime' soon ahaha....

I think the only positive thing I can draw from this experience is as a result of a by-product of how I was feeling inside I can took the ciaotopram to 'feel better'

I was actively looking for something to help.

I'm always doing that now-I'm try to hide the fact that my life is so empty.

+1 for the stimulants ahaha that made me laugh. Bring on the heavy psychoactives FTW ahaha.

I suppose I also have my safety nets. My family, close friends. Just need them to understand a little better In what I'm going through.

 

Keep on pushing forward I guess-and don't look back.

[amiss]

I'm gonna distance myself from this site for an indefinite amount of time.

 

My therapist at school is a blessing. Buspar is helping me cope. Today is the 16 day mark and PSSD is at 50%. I'm willingly enjoying music and at times my interest spikes in certain areas. I'm doing very well in school and pretty well socially. Although I'm pretty sure I'm PMSing so everything is in a negative light at the moment. 

 

There's a way to think about your life situation, and I advise you to quickly adapt to not the victim position. This is how things are, you can change your brain with drugs and with experiences. I like yoga and comedy a lot, these two things are now my healthy escapes from a reality I never could handle anyway. My old escapes were super unhealthy. I'm constantly socializing now and not looking for drugs and alcohol. 

 

Don't look back. Try to stop looking back. This was an injury, but think about others who've had injuries like this, or been in car wrecks or died young or committed suicide. Yeah, we're the unfortunate ones. But despite what American movies tell you, it's not always okay in the end, and I've always deeply known that to be true. 

 

Both my psych and therapist have told me that the brain changes all the time over time, and that they believe that things will change in the future. I don't know if I totally believe this for myself, but miracles have happened even to people who've had this. There's people who are working on and studying anhedonia and PSSD. If at this primitive stage we already have buspar, wellbutrin and stimulants then things can only go up from here. 

 

If you're going through purgatory, keep going. 

[Altostrata]

amiss, please check in from time to time and let us know how you are doing.

[forexworld12]

Sorry to bump this old thread.... just wondering how have you been doing ?

 

Have you done a hormonal test ? 

 

Since I suffer exactly the same thing as yours ..been 2 years ..Not that I don't know what to do I know but i'm not doing it lol

 

 

 

 Based on my personal research,experience and observation what you're actually experiencing is the inhibition of dopamine receptors in general which could lead to down-regulation, particularly in and around the Raphe nucleus.

They are not damaged, they are not desensitized, there is nothing wrong with dopamine binding, and it is more complicated than there just not being enough dopamine release into the synapse. It is actually being inhibited. So it doesn't just release too little as a continual problem, when levels increase, they increase by lower a percentage. This is the basis for much of what people experience in different ways, due to differing genes. The main idea is the dopamine release is being inhibited. So those other dopamine receptors down the line aren't getting what they need.

 

Serotonin receptors inhibit dopamine. That is because they act as a method of regulation. The more serotonin that binds to the heteroreceptor, the more dopamine release is inhibited. This receptor accepts binding of different neurotransmitters in different places, which have different affects on it, including regulation of dopamine release.

 

So why is an excessive amount of serotonin in the synapse, binding to the heteroreceptor?

 

It is because the autoreceptor is releasing too much serotonin into the synapse. So we have to figure out why that is. The autoreceptor is regulated by the same neurotransmitter, in this case serotonin. So the amount of serotonin which binds to it, controls how much serotonin it releases. Serotonin is generally inhibitory. So the more activation of this receptor, the more it's release of serotonin is inhibited. The main cause of PSSD is the receiving part of the autoreceptor being desensitized. So the normal amount of serotonin that was the right amount to do the job, now causes less activation of the receptor, and therefore it's inhibitory effect on serotonin release is not enough.

 

Our autoreceptors didn't go back to normal. They are stuck in that desensitized state. So the normal amount of serotonin which has always been there is not enough to do the job. So in order to get the same amount of activation you had before, you must have more serotonin there than is normal. You have to compensate for that lack of sensitivity. It's kind of like when a button on a remote wears out. The normal amount of pressure won't send the signal. You have to press harder to get it to work. In the same way, we have to press harder on the autoreceptor. Agonism is not the same as reuptake inhibition. The former just means there is more there, but it is taken up normally. The latter means it is not taken up normally, and it builds up too quickly, too much. 

 

There's lots of interesting  psy drugs in this regards that can reverse symptoms but what I will advice you is RUN ...go to a park every morning - walk - jog - sprint , do cardio exercize ! 

 

http://www.reuniting.info/node/7200

[johnson]

Hi Amiss how are you doing these days?