☼ Skybert: needs help - delayed onset Lexapro withdrawal

[skybert]

Thank you again bubble, and thank you tezza:)

If nothing changes I will try a small updose tomorrow. It can't get any worse anyways.

My family is prepared and watching over me constantly. I think this is the only solution now.

I need something now. Its to much. I'm thinking 3mg for 4 days. If nothing happens I go to 3.5mg.

Going on like this can't be good for my system.

Almost 3 weeks with this intensity and only 30min window can't be a good sign. Hope it's not to late for this kind of action. 

Wish me luck good people.

[tezza]

I'm wishing you ALL THE BEST, Skybert! I hope it helps...

[mammaP]

I hope you can get some relief soon Skybert. I know too well the feeling that a wave is going to last forever,

and that feeling that you need to be in a hospital, but knowing that would be a disaster because they would

pump us full of more meds! I think in my case maybe subconsciously that is just what my brain was craving,

to be 'put to sleep'! It does pass though, the window will open again and I hope it is soon for you. 

[skybert]

Thanks tezza and mammaP:)

You are so right about the hospital thing. Sometimes I wish I could be put to sleep. Seems like the only way to get some relief.

This stuff is just so scary. The sense of loss, uncertainty, unreal feelings, the loss of myself, the time it could take to heal, and so on. Its just to much to take.

I guess if I just stop fighting myself and just trust that I will be okay at some point it would be easier.

Feels like I need to fight to keep my sanity and figure it all out everyday.

Laters:)

[bubble]

How is Skybert doing today?

 

Thank you for updating the signature which shows you have updosed. I so wish it brings you relief!

 

I first reinstated 2.5 mg (the dose that I was before cutting) but after a week I went to 5 mg just to be on the safe side (and be able to work since I for various reasons can't not work, this would cause big problems for me that would really make me depressed ;(

 

As I said, I felt immediate relief after reinstating.

 

I hope for at least a little window for you soon...

[skybert]

Hi bubble:) Thanks for checking inn on me. Means a lot to me!

It's to early to tell yet. I did feel some increase in anxiety for about 2 hours but now I'm dozing on the couch feeling weird but calm:)

I try not to worry so much about feeling so strange and just accept it instead of fighting it. I guess my old self will return at some point.

Cant really do anything about it anyway. It's just so hard to understand how on earth one can feel so different, weird and scared to be able to ever go back to the old self. 

I will update the coming days and tell how this thing plays out. 

Laters:)

[bubble]

nice you got back!

 

I like it very much when you say: just accept it instead of fighting it. I'm sure acceptance will make things batter faster.

 

I am also very much familiar with this thought: how can I ever be like I used to be again? Feeling like a Humpty Dumpty that all king's horses and all king's won't be able to put together again...

 

BUT

 

after such dreadful states i experienced periods when I felt better, more secure and stable than ever

 

so it is possible!!! just endure. And dozing is a nice way to do it  

[skybert]

Hi bubble! My friend:)

Acceptance, time, diet, supplements and distractions is pretty much all I can do at this point.

It would be nice with some more windows for assurance:P

[Rhiannon]

Hi Skybert! Just checking in.

 

I know it's very hard to imagine feeling better again, but you will. The hours and days pass slowly when you're feeling like this, but they do pass eventually, and with time you will stabilize and gradually heal. Hang in there!

[skybert]

Hi Rhi!

Thank you for checking in on me doc! I'll be fine:)

[Petunia]

Hi Skybert,

I hope the updose works and you start to feel better soon.  It may take several weeks.  Its good you have a supportive family taking care of you.  When we are able to accept what is happening and trust that its a process which takes as much time as it needs, that seems to help by not adding stress to an already difficult situation.

 

Petu.

[skybert]

Hi Petu:) 

Yeah you are right about that. But it's hard to trust the process sometimes when everything seems to be getting worse and worse. Yesterday was probably the weirdest I have ever felt but I tried to just remain calm and not scare myself further. Dozing on the couch was the best part of the day. I was scared but yet somehow peaceful. The meds seem to awaken some evil nostalgia again and keeps bringing my past into my head all the time, but even though that happens I feel better today than I have felt in a while. More normal, but the fear lingers and all that has happened these past days seems hard to get over. Can't help but wonder if I made a mistake updosing now. Is this what would have happened either way? or would I be even better today if I didn't updose...or worse.. Nobody knows.. I just hope I can forget all about this mess eventually and feel normal again at some point. If I take a turn for the worse the next 2 days I will go back to 2.5mg.

Thanks guys:) 

[tezza]

The uncertainty is why we suggest small steps in either direction; it's so unpredictable. Then, if you realize it may be hurting instead of helping, you can step back down more easily.

 

It takes four days for the drug to reach a steady level in your system. It really helps to log your symptoms/feelings daily and rate the severity. It's a good sign that you felt better today.

 

I believe we will forget about the worst of the nightmare by choice, when it's over. I don't think much about the dark hole I felt trapped in for so long, these days. I remember it enough to be very thankful to God for helping me along to the state I'm in now.

 

{{{HUGS}}}

 

Tezza

[skybert]

Thank you tezza:)

I know we will. When I have a window I can't even understand what hurt so much.

I guess I will learn a lot from this when I hopefully get a good window after this awful wave is over.

But it is a serious test! You need a strong will to live at times. 

[tezza]

Yes, you do and you will make it. Try to be patient and kind to yourself.

 

I hope you start to feel a lot better soon!

[Rhiannon]

Skybert, please be careful with changing your dose up and down.

 

We are always tempted to assume that some change in our drug is the cause of some change in our mood. But as you have seen, our moods and feelings and symptoms change up and down no matter what we do, when we are in withdrawal. If every time you feel better or worse you change your drugs up and down you will just keep yourself sick!

 

What is needed is stability. Your nervous system needs to stabilize and heal. Every time you change your med dosage, you force your nervous system to try to adjust to a new chemical milieu, keeping things chaotic and stirred up.

 

I would encourage you to just stick with whatever dose you are on for at least three months without changing anything at all.

 

I can totally relate to the desire to do something, anything, anything at all! When we are suffering we want more than anything to reach for relief.  But I have seen over and over that repeatedly changing meds, in someone who is already destabilized and suffering, usually doesn't bring relief, it just makes it worse.

 

Please consider just holding still on your dosages for a while now and allowing time to do its work.

 

If after three to six months of holding you find you are feeling no better at all, then maybe it's time to consider a med change.

 

Also, keep your daily journal of symptoms, ranking them on a scale of 1 to 5 or so each day. Your subjective memory will not be accurate but if you keep this journal you will be able to see the patterns of change as they are.

[skybert]

Thanks tezza:)

Yeah I know Rhi. I will not change anything inn awhile. I'm kind of sorry that I did. I got very desperate and so did the people around me.

It scares my very much that the waves get stronger and longer this far out.  Gradually worse is not what I was expecting.

That's why I caved. But now I know it wont help.(probably)

I thought I would be closer to be able to function a little at this point and the system around me are expecting some results soon to.

I got a job I need to get back to. I don't need much to be able to work a little, but inn this state it's simple not possible at all. I'm a preschool teacher.(NOISE)

Considering my age (27) and my brief meds usage (1year) I thought the worst part was over soon. Shocking how strong these meds are.

[Rhiannon]

I agree, it's shocking. And it's extra frustrating that some people don't have these problems and seem to be able to go off fairly easily. But your situation is not at all unusual, and it's still early days yet. Hang in there.

[bubble]

skybert,please don't feel bad about updosing!I feel you did the right thing.

 

I even went to 5 mg,I couldn't put up with the agony....after month and a half i feel significantly better and have absolutely no regrets although I could have tried staying at 2.5...

 

Now I know what I didn't know before:10 % rule and how to make liquid suspension,etc.

 

So I really believe this time I will do it right this time.and I don't care it will take longer when I believe it will finally be successful.

 

I attended the Art of living workshop and it was great.but i couldn't complete it because after 3 days I got a fever so spent today in bed feeling very weak and exhausted in all muscles and bones.strange...i wonder if this was a reaction or as, they call it,resistance to the whole process which was very intense...

 

Back to you, It seems you feel better after updosing but feel bad about it because you think it was a sign of weakness.we have a novel:a reasonable step back-better part of courage (hard to translate but I hope you understand what i mean).so no regrets please;)

[skybert]

Oh I don't feel to bad about it. Whatever helps,

I just need to try and find some kind of middle ground where I can do something at all. I don't mind feeling like crap for awhile but the way I was and partially still am I just can't do anything. The only reason I regret it was because maybe I was on my way out of the wave but maybe I prolonged the process with my updose. Or the updose helped me. I don't know... Can't be a though guy with these things. It's dangerous. Today is a pretty okay'ish day. I slept all night and my head is not all out there all the time. I had I minor panic surge just now but I think it's over. Weird how the thinking gets messed up in small bursts when that happens, and you got no control over it. No wonder this is so confusing. Never quite sure how I feel. Don't like the loss of control feel much.

Oh well I guess that's the process:P 

[skybert]

Hey guys:)

Just a small update. I have been feeling pretty okay the last two days.

I just wanted to thank everyone for getting me through a really intense and rough wave.

It's really good to get some relief for a while and take stock of progress.  

Thank you all so much!!  

[tezza]

Good news! It sounds like the updose is working, it takes time.

[bubble]

yeahhh!I noticed you were not writing so concluded there was no need and you experienced some relief finally.

 

I'm very happy I was right

 

This is a very important message and experience that even darkest woods end...

 

As we have learnt it here,windows are followed by waves or better to say,waves are followed by windows and one nice window will give us strength for waves...

 

I also feel better emotionally than I did over past 2 months after reinstating.I'm actually in a way even better since I'm a lot more humble and grateful as well as emotional which I see as a very positive thing of being in touch with my feelings and not a weakness...

 

I came down with viral chest infection so I've been bed ridden since Saturday.This forced me to move out of my mind and be present in my body.Also my mom came and she cooked and cleaned for me for 2 days which never happened in my life!I also can't remember,being the oldest of 5 if i ever spent two full days alone with my mom.

 

Can only be grateful.skybert,sorry for hijacking your thread;)

 

once again,thanks for sharing the good news;)

[tezza]

Hi Skybert,When we are able to accept what is happening and trust that its a process which takes as much time as it needs, that seems to help by not adding stress to an already difficult situation. Petu.

This is true!

[skybert]

Thank you tessa and bubble:)

Quality time with mom is always great. I'm a real mama's boy and the youngest out of 5 btw:) 

Don't know what I would do without here.

Hoping you both are doing well!

Laters:)

[bubble]

we all adore our youngest of 5, especially me being the oldest

 

but things haven't always been easy for him being in the middle and on good terms with often conflicting parties, that is other siblings...

 

I'm happy to witness improvement in our sometimes strained relations as each of us was dealing with the shared trauma of abusive parent in a different way...

[skybert]

Sorry to hear about that bubble. Family troubles... Tricky business..

I am on good terms with everyone now. Lucky that way I guess. Growing up was a different story:P Oh well. 

Anyways, still doing pretty good except for really bad headaches, face pressure and toothache that started yesterday. (Hoping it's not a new heavy wave coming)

Wishing you all the best:)

[tezza]

That's so sweet, that you say you're a 'mama's boy". I wish my youngest would say that. He was a mama's boy until I took his GF in because her Mom was in prison. Then, they both moved out! Seems she doesn't want him to have what she never had with her mother.

 

It makes me sad because we were very close. I home-schooled him.

[skybert]

She probably can't understand that kind of a relationship. You sound like a very loving and caring mother. He is lucky to have you:)

Hope you guys get close again like you used to.

 

So these last 3 days have been kind of weird. I feel pretty okay at times. Some anxiety and obsessions of course, but not as bad as I was. Still very emotionally numb and things seem kind of weird and of for some reason. I can't quite put it into words but it's unsettling for sure. 

But I am very dizzy and have a lot of pressure in my face and especially in my forehead. I lie down most of the day. Usually it starts with an upset stomach (acid, burning) then anxiety kicks inn, then headache, dizziness and head/face pressure. It usually calms down when I eat something. But it's very weird. Symptoms caused by an empty stomach? I also find it weird that my stomach is acting like this. I eat good food. Meat, fish, eggs, a little fruit and water only. I only take a small dose of magnesium now since the fish oil was upsetting my stomach. This whole thing started with a strong pain inn my forehead witch almost gave me a panic attack. Or at least an adrenaline dump. I had a hard time standing and walking after it happened and I've had trouble ever since that. Man these things are hard to explain! Anyways to sum up: Upset stomach, dizzy, headache, hard to look at things, fainting feeling every now and then, a lot of pressure in my head.....This all sounds familiar! Classic WD.

But it doesn't feel the same as before.... It NEVER does! Symptoms are always changing.

 

I don't know... I just needed to write something. It helps:)

I went to a psychiatrist today. I spent two hours teaching her about SSRI withdrawal syndrome. sigh!! Not a lot of help to get there. I got kind of mad to. Told her how I felt about the whole system and the lack of knowledge within it. So she gave me her stupidass forms and is set on giving me a diagnosis. I told her good luck with that and that I already had one.

It's not like I'm shocked at this, but I was hoping for a person I could talk to who really understood this thing face to face. 

Oh well.. I have you guys! We will be fine!

Love you all

 

 

[Fenrir]

You tapered too fast, is normal what you are experiencing, reinstating could help

[mammaP]

Hi Skybert, sorry you are still feeling bad at times. Hopefully things will settle down soon. Trying to tell doctors about

tapering and withdrawal syndrome is almost impossible but the more of us that try, the sooner the message

will get through so well done for trying! 

[skybert]

Hi good people:) Just a small update.

Been feeling somewhat better for awhile now. Been hanging out with a couple of friends twice and been playing some computer online. I even went to work for a couple of hours and talked to the people I (used to) work with. It felt pretty normal and it was great:) 

I have learned a lot from the experience I have gotten over the months, and did not revert to stupid old habits this window and have kept myself grounded and done everything close to the same as when I was in my last horrible wave. Thank you all for teaching me and showing me how to handle this awful condition:)

 

Sorry to say I'm back in a wave that started a couple of days ago...And I will probably need to vent some fears and get some reassurance from you well experienced good people this time around to.. 

Thanks guys:)

Laters

[Petunia]

Hi Skybert,

 

Thank you for updating.  First I want to say that its very promising and a good sign that you had a nice, long window and felt better.  And even better that you kept your lifestyle stable. 

 

But for now, I'm sorry you are in another wave.  Its temporary, it will pass,  you will feel better again.

 

I hope this wave passes soon, but until then, please post here for support as often as you need, we will be here for you.

 

Petu.

[skybert]

Thank you Petu:) really appriciate it! The waves always scare me because they feel so different everytime. I just try to stay calm but it's really hard. Good thing I have you people:)

[bubble]

I was really thinking where you were

 

but assumed no news was good news and you wee enjoying your much needed and deserved window.

 

So glad I was right. I had a most awful wave myself and hope yours is not so bad...

 

It's good that we saw that even the worst of waves pass and that we can still enjoy life.

 

And be here for each other!

 

Hugs

 

bubble

[skybert]

Hi bubble:)

Yeah I need to get away from everything ssri wd related whenever I feel better. I still lurk the forums sometimes to stay grounded and prepared. 

But I need to just stay away completely to every now and then. The forum is great and I don't know what I would do without it but at the same time it does bring up some grief, sadness and frustration.

Change the channel. 

 

I obsess a lot about my condition now. Wonder if I ever will feel normal again. Or do I even know what normal is anymore. I miss feeling real joy, love and peace. I can still act as myself around people but I feel so dead inside and everything seems so off. I have not felt my normal self for a long time now. It scares me. Even though I had a window it never gave me the "I'm back!" feeling. That feeling seems to be slipping more and more. I guess I could blame that somewhat on the meds to. 3mg lexapro is something. But I felt more of the clarity every now and then when I was not this far in the process, so I question it a lot now. Am I getting worse or better? It's hard to tell. I just hope and wish I will get there. Considering my dissatisfaction with my condition my brain should know what to do! You go brain! You can do it! I don't know.. I just ramble a lot now. It helps. Just feel so out there and unhuman DP/DR a lot to, witch I hate because I thought I was done with that and I have read so much about it and thought I had kicked it's ass. Guess not. Oh well. At least I can sleep well at night. 

I'm done for today!

To be continued...

 

Laters:)