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True insight or withdrawal?


Sparrow
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Recently I've been experiencing what feels like some major revelations about my past and my self. So many things that I've always known were true, but they were too distressing to accept.

 

I seem to have spent a great deal of my adult life in a state of persistant denial about many important things, hoping that if I just did the right things and behaved the right way, everything would somehow come out all right in the end. It appears to me that I've been miserable and confused to varying degrees the whole time.

 

Am I having a painfully enlightening epiphany, or is this my withdrawal-incapacitated brain feeding me BS? How do you tell the difference?

 

Sparrow

 

2009-2011: tapered off Trazodone, Namenda, Lamictal, Dextroamphetamine, Zyprexa; cold-turkeyed Pristiq; reduced Lexapro dose 50%.
On clonazepam since 2004, 0.5 - 1.0 mg daily PRN. Three failed (too rapid) partial tapers, 2010 - 2011.
Dec. 2011 - March 2013: Tapered off 0.5 mg clonazepam (Klonopin)

August 2013: Switched to liquid escitalopram (Lexapro) and began tapering from 10 mg.

January 2014: 4.5 mg escitalopram

March 2014: One year off benzos

May 2014: 3.0 mg escitalopram

June 2014: severe depression, updosed to 4.0 mg

Sept 1, 2014: 2.7 mg

Dec 7, 2014: Can't get below 2.5 mg without unbearable symptoms. Doing an extended hold (I hope)

March 2015: TWO YEARS POST-BENZO

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I had profound clarity during w/d and it made me face a lot of issues head on. I think it was my emotions/thoughts being able to truly express themselves after yrs of drug numbness and I developed a better sense of self too. I still have the clarity and it has helped me deal with family and situations. I need to add it was scarey at first because the filters were off and having these revelations could be overwhelming.

Unable at this time to correspond by private message.

 

Link to my Introduction thread: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2477-aria-my-psych-journey/

Reading my psychiatric records: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/5466-drugged-crazy-reading-my-psychiatric-records/

My Success Story is listed under "Aria's Recovery".

 

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This is very painfully true for me, as well, and the blinders pre-date drugs. The drugs reinforced the blinders and denial.

 

Very often recently, I'm hit with the question "HOW did I NOT see this before??". Then I start doubting myself and fear I'm seeing things incorrectly NOW and that I'm going to be hit with "the old truth" again and regret a lot of what's happened during withdrawal (mostly family related). The cognitive dissonance is maddening.

 

Ive noticed that my instincts are much better or I'm trusting them more.

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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Thank you Aria and Barb. This helps enormously.

 

Barb, my blinders predate the drugs too. Ah, god, it's all making sense now. What a terrible mess I've made of things, a lifetime of self-delusion.

 

I don't know what to do with this knowledge.

2009-2011: tapered off Trazodone, Namenda, Lamictal, Dextroamphetamine, Zyprexa; cold-turkeyed Pristiq; reduced Lexapro dose 50%.
On clonazepam since 2004, 0.5 - 1.0 mg daily PRN. Three failed (too rapid) partial tapers, 2010 - 2011.
Dec. 2011 - March 2013: Tapered off 0.5 mg clonazepam (Klonopin)

August 2013: Switched to liquid escitalopram (Lexapro) and began tapering from 10 mg.

January 2014: 4.5 mg escitalopram

March 2014: One year off benzos

May 2014: 3.0 mg escitalopram

June 2014: severe depression, updosed to 4.0 mg

Sept 1, 2014: 2.7 mg

Dec 7, 2014: Can't get below 2.5 mg without unbearable symptoms. Doing an extended hold (I hope)

March 2015: TWO YEARS POST-BENZO

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Sparrow,

 

This thread might resonate with you and, hopefully, be of some help (sorry,I didn't check to see if you had already visited it):

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/3655-long-pasttraumatization-might-seriously-exacerbate-your-complaints/?fromsearch=1

 

I'm not a big believer in "everything happens for a reason", but this unveiling has been so dramatic (and traumatic), that it seems I'm supposed to be learning this at this point in time.

 

I don't want to pry, but if you ever want to discuss more here or privately, please feel free to contact me. I know how overwhelming it is to look back and see things that were there all along but our subconscious blocked out or interpreted in a way that was easier to accept, to fit into my existing paradigm.

 

I've struggled with the feeling that "I did everything right, followed the rules for a good life, so WHY has this all happened to me??". Terrible feeling that sends me back into fetal position.

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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When I was coming off the psyche drugs my new realization made me see what I had missed and I still have feelings of loss, time ill used (family, what I might have done-accomplished).  I blamed myself for what had transpired and apologized profusely to family. I learned and am still learning from it (painful as it is).

Unable at this time to correspond by private message.

 

Link to my Introduction thread: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2477-aria-my-psych-journey/

Reading my psychiatric records: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/5466-drugged-crazy-reading-my-psychiatric-records/

My Success Story is listed under "Aria's Recovery".

 

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I look at my history with my spouse differently through every phase of withdrawal. So I am trying (oftentimes unsuccessfully) to be kind to him and put the deep thoughts off for clearer days. But we have a complex past and I think in way too complicated ways. But the sadness of these years lost, the way I fail my daughters....my feelings about that don't change.

1st round Prozac 1989/90, clear depression symptoms. 2nd round Prozac started 1999 when admitted to dr. I was tired. Prozac pooped out, switch to Cymbalta 3/2006. Diagnosed with bipolar disorder due to mania 6/2006--then I was taken abruptly off Cymbalta and didn't know I had SSRI withdrawal. Lots of meds for my intractable "bipolar" symptoms.

Zyprexa started about 9/06, mostly 5mg. Tapered 4/12 through12/29/12

Wellbutrin. XL 300 mg started 1/07, tapered 1/18/13 through 7/8/13

Oxazepam mostly continuously since 6/06, 30mg since 12/12, tapered 1.17.14 through 8.26.15

11/06 Lithium 600mg twice daily, 2.2.14 400mg TID DIY liquid, 2.12.14 1150mg, 3.2.14 1100mg, 3.18.14 1075mg, 4/14 updose to 1100mg, 6.1.14 900 mg capsules 7.8.14 810mg, 8.17.14 725mg, 8.24.24 700mg...10.22.14 487.5mg, 3.9.15 475mg, 4.1.15 462.5mg 4.21.15 450mg 8.11.15 375mg, 11.28.15 362.5mg, back to 375mg four days later, 3.4.16 updose to 475 (too much going on to risk trouble)

9/4/13 Toprol-XL 25mg daily for sudden hypertension, tapered 11.12.13 through 5.3.14, last 10 days or so switched to atenolol

7.4.14 Started Walsh Protocol

56 years old

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  • 1 month later...

Bump for MM

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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