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bubble: tapering off Lexapro and Xanax


bubble

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So I'm doing a balancing act here as well. I have learnt to just rest at times when I need it and allow myself to be carried by other people and swim on the waves of my past achievements. I even think that when I shut down and keep to myself I might come across as wise and pensive. If there are no outputs at that time my boss and colleagues might assume that I'm investigating something. So there is a whole, at times very complex, 'art' around my surviving at work.

 

 
 
This is very interesting, Bubble. I'm glad you wrote it out.
 
For the first year and a half I was with my current job, I could barely say more than a sentence at a time. I had only just started that job when I became very symptomatic, so they don't know who I used to be. 
 
My silence was my salvation, in a way. And what you just described is probably what was going on. Well, I'm only a bookkeeper, so being "wise" probably isn't what they thought of me back then. I think they thought I had autism. But they are enlightened enough to realize there is a certain "gift" in that. 
 
Silence is an art form of its own, and during withdrawal, it really can be a life saver.
 
And I also think it's part of the withdrawal "gateway" into mindfulness. We go as silent as monks for long periods of time. 
 
But it also can carry a risk of adding to the exhaustion factor. It is incredibly isolating. So it's good you have this time off coming up and you'll be able to rest up. 
 
Thanks for writing this insightful post. At least you know you have company when it comes to practicing this art form - I'm right there with you. 

 

 

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I've wanted to write an update for months. Very often I write a post in my head but somehow don't get round to actually writing it here.

 

And it's been almost 7 months... Sometimes I feel too good to write and at other times I feel too bad. Overall I'm managing. I resumed with tapering Lexapro in January. I can only handle 2 % cut every 30 days or even longer. It's very frustrating and after almost 4 years I suffer from what, I think Shep called the battle fatigue: sometimes I get so impatient and angry about the whole process and living my life with so much limitations.

 

Then I try to forget about WD and let it fade into the back of my life even as limited as it is.

 

I'm taking 20 % less of Lexapro than 4 years ago and some 70 % less of Xanax. That's not bad. (If I manage to forget that I didn't have to reinstate to 5mg of Lexapro and 2 mg of Xanax after being off for 40 days :(

 

My main symptom at the moment is dreadful fatigue. I feel I could faint at the end of the working day. Since September my sleeping has regulated and I'm very grateful for that. And impressed with myself that I endured 6 months of badly disrupted sleep without doing anything drastic out of despair, just believing the process of healing.

 

The other dominant symptom at this juncture is the feeling of my brain being in overdrive, just speeding and overstimulated. It feels threatening at times. Like I could somehow spin out of control. I'm trying to do as much grounding as I can. I became more diligent with my formal and informal mindfulness practice. The concept of spiral is very useful. It's important to become aware of what's going on and step out and take measures to deal with it. Sometimes it's getting up from the desk, doing a 3 min body scan, switching off in a meeting, taking a day off and isolate completely at weekends.

 

One amazing thing that I've been noticing for the past 2 months is the return (at least partial) of my feelings and sense of conectedness with people and things. It feels like a miracle.Don't even think about whether it came here to stay or not. The fact that it is possible to feel again after everything that has happened and all the damage that felt permanent is just miracle.

 

I used to write poems but for many years now I couldn't write anything because I couldn't feel. I felt dead inside. And then at the end of February I felt such intense emotions while visiting and revisiting my former university, a place of terrible anguish and pain at the time I studied there. Now I could go back to that place and in that time and make peace with it. I felt so stable that even looking at that place of despair didn't make me flinch. I felt the need and I was able to put those emotions into words.

 

There are still many hairy days, every cut is followed by very painful symptoms but I'm making a slow progress.

 

The struggle continues - aluta continua :) (and the phrase ends: the victory is certain :)

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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Good update, Bubble.  It's not all great, but there are a lot of positives to take away.

 

You ARE healing and that is the most important thing of all.

 

Soon it will accelerate.

 

Best,

 

Andy

Sertraline 50mg and Clonazapam .375mg from 2000 -- symptoms of dizziness Spring 2012

increased to .5 Clonazapam and 100mg Sertraline -- no improvement

Benzo microtaper from November 2012 to November 2014 (followed benzo sites "taper benzo first")

Started Sertraline taper in December 2014 cut by 25mg to 75mg; 62.5mg 1/1/15 and 50mg on 2/1/15

Held at 50mg through April 5 to use liquid 
Reduced dosage in 10% or less drops from 50mg to 25mg -- at single tablet of 25mg on 10/5/15

Transitioned to all liquid for accuracy while tapering -- Horrible insomnia -- back to 25mg liquid and held until October 1, 2016

10/16 -- 11/18 tapered very slowly to 10.6mg.  No real improvement and never really stable so updosed to 12.5mg (1/2 a pill) for convenience and long hold.

After 8+ months of holding with no noticeable improvement decided to add .4ml of liquid Prozac (about 1.5mg) to see if that improves the situation

Supplements, Magnesium, D3, Omega 3, curcumin, Valerian, 81mg Aspirin, L-Theanine, Vit. C,

 

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I've wanted to write an update for months. Very often I write a post in my head but somehow don't get round to actually writing it here.

And it's been almost 7 months... Sometimes I feel too good to write and at other times I feel too bad. Overall I'm managing. I resumed with tapering Lexapro in January. I can only handle 2 % cut every 30 days or even longer. It's very frustrating and after almost 4 years I suffer from what, I think Shep called the battle fatigue: sometimes I get so impatient and angry about the whole process and living my life with so much limitations.

Then I try to forget about WD and let it fade into the back of my life even as limited as it is.

I'm taking 20 % less of Lexapro than 4 years ago and some 70 % less of Xanax. That's not bad. (If I manage to forget that I didn't have to reinstate to 5mg of Lexapro and 2 mg of Xanax after being off for 40 days :(

My main symptom at the moment is dreadful fatigue. I feel I could faint at the end of the working day. Since September my sleeping has regulated and I'm very grateful for that. And impressed with myself that I endured 6 months of badly disrupted sleep without doing anything drastic out of despair, just believing the process of healing.

The other dominant symptom at this juncture is the feeling of my brain being in overdrive, just speeding and overstimulated. It feels threatening at times. Like I could somehow spin out of control. I'm trying to do as much grounding as I can. I became more diligent with my formal and informal mindfulness practice. The concept of spiral is very useful. It's important to become aware of what's going on and step out and take measures to deal with it. Sometimes it's getting up from the desk, doing a 3 min body scan, switching off in a meeting, taking a day off and isolate completely at weekends.

One amazing thing that I've been noticing for the past 2 months is the return (at least partial) of my feelings and sense of conectedness with people and things. It feels like a miracle.Don't even think about whether it came here to stay or not. The fact that it is possible to feel again after everything that has happened and all the damage that felt permanent is just miracle.

I used to write poems but for many years now I couldn't write anything because I couldn't feel. I felt dead inside. And then at the end of February I felt such intense emotions while visiting and revisiting my former university, a place of terrible anguish and pain at the time I studied there. Now I could go back to that place and in that time and make peace with it. I felt so stable that even looking at that place of despair didn't make me flinch. I felt the need and I was able to put those emotions into words.

There are still many hairy days, every cut is followed by very painful symptoms but I'm making a slow progress.

The struggle continues - aluta continua :) (and the phrase ends: the victory is certain :)

bubble:

 

You are an inspiration to me.

 

I'm tapering off Lexapro right now. Lots of nausea and tears.

 

I have no motivation to do anything. I just sit most of the day.

 

After Lexapro, comes Xanax.

 

I know I can do this, it is just so hard some days, I just want to take my 20mg Lexapro, let the meds make me happy and go on with life.

 

But I read stories, and think I've gotten this far, I can make it to the end.

 

Keep your chin up. Your doing great. :)

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

PREVIOUS medications and discontinuations: Have been on medications since 1996. 

 Valium, Gabapentin, Lamictal, Prilosec and Zantac from 2000 to 2015 with a fast taper by a psychiatrist.

 Liquid Lexapro Nov, 2016 to 31-March, 2019 Lexapro free!!! (total Lexapro taper was 4 years-started with pill form)

---CURRENT MEDICATIONS:Supplements:Milk Thistle, Metamucil, Magnesium Citrate, Vitamin D3, Levothyroxine 25mcg, Vitamin C, Krill oil.

Xanax 1mg 3x day June, 2000 to 19-September, 2020 Went from .150 grams (average weight of 1 Xanax) 3x day to .003 grams 3x day. April 1, 2021 went back on 1mg a day. Started tapering May 19, 2023. July 28, 2023-approximately .87mg. Dr. fast tapered me at the end and realized he messed up. Prescribe it again and I am doing "slower than a turtle" taper.

19-September, 2020 Xanax free!!! (total Xanax taper was 15-1/2 months-1-June, 2019-19-September, 2020)

I am not a medical professional.

The suggestions I make are based on personal experience.

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Hi Bubble-- it sounds like you've had a major rise in your WDnormal level, that's wonderful.  I'm so glad you were able to make peace with an old trouble spot, now it's over and done with and if it ever comes up again you can say "I've made peace with you so there's no need to show yourself any more".  I'm betting that over the next several months you will fine the poetry creeping back into your life.  Very quietly at first, but more and more as time goes on. Congratulations on making such progress in getting your numbers down.  It's a long slog, but as you can see it's starting to pay off big time.

 

((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))

 

Brass

20 years on Paxil starting at 20mg and working up to 40mg. Sept 2011 started 10% every 6 weeks taper (2.5% every week for 4 weeks then hold for 2 additional weeks), currently at 7.9mg. Oct 2011 CTed 15oz vodka a night, to only drinking 2 beers most nights, totally sober Feb 2013.

Since I wrote this I have continued to decrease my dose by 10% every 6 weeks (2.5% every week for 4 weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks). I added in an extra 6 week hold when I hit 10mg to let things settle out even more. When I hit 3mgpw it became hard to split the drop into 4 parts so I switched to dropping 1mgpw (pill weight) every week for 3 weeks and then holding for another 3 weeks.  The 3 + 3 schedule turned out to be too harsh so I cut back to dropping 1mgpw every 4 weeks which is working better.

Final Dose 0.016mg.     Current dose 0.000mg 04-15-2017

 

"It's also important not to become angry, no matter how difficult life is, because you can loose all hope if you can't laugh at yourself and at life in general."  Stephen Hawking

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I really needed this pep talk Andy and Brass! Thanks a lot for taking the time.

 

Andy, I often think how Brass started feeling better as he got lower and further down the path. Maybe it will happen to us and maybe the rest of the taper won't be as difficult and disruptive as it is now. It should happen as we are further away from our benzo tapers...

 

Thank you Frogie. I'm following your story and benefiting from the support Andy provides you. You are getting the hang of things: slow and steady wins the race. I try to focus on how much I have done already (instead of how far we are from 0). I find this change of perspective very helpful. Also I try to distract from symptoms as much as I can by engaging with other aspects of life as much as I can, even when it hurts...

 

Thank you all for your continued support and lots of healing!

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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bubble:

 

I was just talking to a friend of mine today.

 

I was saying I'm only at 7.9 because of the nausea, I can't move any faster, like some others on here do.

 

She said don't look at it that way, look at how far you have gone, from 20mg to 7.9. You've had some roadblocks, but the nausea is going away. So maybe soon (a month or so after no nausea) it will be a sign you can go down a little (I'm going to start using Brassmonkey's taper), my body can't handle 10% all at once.

 

Then you tell me the same thing.

 

I follow your thread also.

 

The only W/D symptom I have really had is the horrific nausea and now tears out of nowhere. Other than that, nothing. So I guess I'm pretty lucky.

 

We are going to make-just like Andy told me. :)

 

Maybe when I'm done with the Lexapro, you can help me with the Xanax? That would be great.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

PREVIOUS medications and discontinuations: Have been on medications since 1996. 

 Valium, Gabapentin, Lamictal, Prilosec and Zantac from 2000 to 2015 with a fast taper by a psychiatrist.

 Liquid Lexapro Nov, 2016 to 31-March, 2019 Lexapro free!!! (total Lexapro taper was 4 years-started with pill form)

---CURRENT MEDICATIONS:Supplements:Milk Thistle, Metamucil, Magnesium Citrate, Vitamin D3, Levothyroxine 25mcg, Vitamin C, Krill oil.

Xanax 1mg 3x day June, 2000 to 19-September, 2020 Went from .150 grams (average weight of 1 Xanax) 3x day to .003 grams 3x day. April 1, 2021 went back on 1mg a day. Started tapering May 19, 2023. July 28, 2023-approximately .87mg. Dr. fast tapered me at the end and realized he messed up. Prescribe it again and I am doing "slower than a turtle" taper.

19-September, 2020 Xanax free!!! (total Xanax taper was 15-1/2 months-1-June, 2019-19-September, 2020)

I am not a medical professional.

The suggestions I make are based on personal experience.

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I can totally relate to the battle fatigue Bubble. I've been tapering for 3 years and it getting much harder at low doses is really burning me down.

On top of that, for the first time in 3 years my only option to stabilize is to wait it out, and it's taking 4 months so far (and counting). I never thought I would be this unstable at this point of the taper. To make matters worse, depression is one of my withdrawal symptoms, and it has made dealing with this nearly impossible. I've never had as frequent suicidal thoughts in my life as I did the last 6 months. Never been this hopeless and for this long. And I had recurrent depression before experiencing withdrawal-I know depression very well.

 

I definitely think the fact that we're tapering more than one drug makes things harder. Some of us also seem to go through a rougher patch at lower doses.

 

The fact that your feelings have returned is awesome. I can relate to it feeling miraculous. I had a window from the extreme apathy last year. It just happened out of nowhere. I couldn't believe it. It was not perfect, but it gave me a sense of control and hope ad confidence I had not had for years---so miraculous is a good description. It lasted 3 months and when it was over I was devastated. I thought I was on my way to completely recovered and that was not the case :(

 

One last thing. You must have heard this a lot, but the fact that you're working full time in a job that you enjoy rather than one you chose due to low stress is HUGE. Most of us struggling with similar issues are disabled. Many times I think to myself that if I could just keep a job or school while dealing with this, I wouldn't feel like my life is wasted. I'm 70% done with my PhD and will have to quit if I can't improve some from the apathy this year. I am tortured by the prospect of losing everything daily, but my brain has no capacity to process motivation, and I deal with crippling fatigue on top of it. That has been going on for years, and now depression and anxiety came on top of that for the last 6 months.

 

I am starting to practice the mindfulness skills you mentioned: looking at intrusive thoughts and uncomfortable emotions from the outside and just describing what goes on without judging. Hoping over time it will diminish their intensity. and help with anxiety and intrusive neuroemotions.

 

Best to you, and please never forget you are true survivor for making it this long and keeping a good job.

  • SSRIs 3-4 times in the last 14 years; would take them for 6-8 months and then taper off under dr supervision with no problems.
  • Med history prior to 2015: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6012-newbeginning-my-withdrawal-story/?p=267313#entry267313
  • 04/2015: Prozac decreased to 15mg over last 3 months; effexor held steady at 8mg; current effexor XR: 20 beads of a 75mg capsule per day (about 8mg)
  • 06/2015: Prozac: 10mg; effexor XR: 19 beads (about 7.5mg); 07/2015: Prozac: 8.5mg; effexor 18 beads; 08/2015: Prozac: 7.5mg; effexor: 17 beads
  • End of August: withdrawal: depressive symptoms, crying spells. Realized I was measuring prozac dose wrong for the last 2 months. Reinstated Prozac 8.5mg; Kept effexor at 17 beads. Stabilized in 5 weeks.
  • 10/2015: Prozac: 8.5mg; effexor: 17 beads11/2015: Prozac: 1.9ml (7.5mg); effexor: 16 beads12/2015: Prozac: 1.6ml; effexor xr: 16 beads. Withdrawal: neuroemotions
  • 01/2016: prozac: 1.6ml; effexor xr: reinstated 17 beads, withdrawal improved; 02/2016: Prozac 1.5ml; Effexor: 17 beads; 03/2016: Prozac 1.3ml(5mg); Effexor: 17 beads (7mg)-withdrawal (flu-like malaise, lightheaded, drowsy) started end of March. April 15: reinstated Prozac 1.5ml. Stabilized. 2 weeks ok. End of April: Withdrawal (neuroemotions). Eventually stabilized in April-May. Apathy improved.
  • 3 month hold until August. August 2016: apathy came back;

  • October 2016: updosed to Prozac 1.6ml. Bad reaction: anxiety, depression. End of October: went down Prozac 1.5ml. Stabilized over several weeks.

  • Dec 9: tried macca for energy: anxiety/depression. Improved over several weeks, but not completely resolved.

  • Dec 31: cut Effexor 5% to 16 beads. After 9 days: withdrawal anxiety, depression; tried updosing to 17 beads Feb 7 but anxiety got worse; went down to 16 beads

    May 2017: Anxiety improved; severe depression continuesSeptember 2017: finally stabilized!!!!!! 09/07/2017-12/31/2017: hold

  • Stable on Effexor 6mg and Prozac 6mg until around 2019-2020. Side effects (fatigue, anhedonia) continued, but had some long lasting windows thanks to therapy. Windows lasting 5-6 months each year followed by relapses.

  • 2019: bad reaction to melatonin 3 mg. Withdrawal after taking it 2 months. When I tried to stop it developed severe insomnia that lasted 6 months even after I reinstated melatonin. Only slept again because I took hydroxyzine 5 mg 3 times a week for few months. Stopped hydroxyzine with no issues. Sleep normalized.

  • 2020-2021: Holding on Prozac 6mg, Effexor 6mg, Tapered melatonin 1 drop every 2-4 weeks down to 1.5mg. Had to hold because further cuts were causing severe drowsiness. 

  • 2021: Insomnia returned due to caffeine use for few months (only started after months of use). I also had a concussion at this time.

  • 2023: took hydroxyzine 5-100mg for one month (kept increasing dose every 3 days because I developed tolerance). Tapered for 1 week. After 1 month: withdrawal neuroemotions. Reinstated 5mg 2 months after stopping. Gradually increased to 25mg, stabilized, but withdrawal came back after 10 days. Kept increasing dose and withdrawal returning. Currently at 40mg. Not sure how to stabilize. 

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I'm taking 20 % less of Lexapro than 4 years ago and some 70 % less of Xanax. That's not bad. (If I manage to forget that I didn't have to reinstate to 5mg of Lexapro and 2 mg of Xanax after being off for 40 days :(

 

 

 

Hi, Bubble. 

 

This is awesome. Getting down to 20% less Lexapro and 70% Xanax after a reinstatement is really incredible. And as others have mentioned, you've stayed in your career and are managing, even though it's a struggle. 

 

For those who are able to do this, once you do get into the healing process, you won't have the hard work of doing a complete re-build and fixing all of the collateral damage and that's really amazing. You do such a wonderful job of bringing in mindfulness throughout the day and taking things as they come. You're an inspiration. 

 

I like what you wrote about getting your emotions back. I get minor glimpses of this now, but it's very muted due to dp/dr. Mindfulness and remembering to breathe are two of the things that help the most. I'm looking for more ways of learning how to cope through this phase of withdrawal. I'm someone who likes to always be in control, so I'm learning to mindfully keep things in perspective. To learn the art of what Mooji calls "Beautiful Detachment". If you can observe thoughts without engaging in them, you can observe emotions without engaging in them. So much of this is triggered by chemical responses. No need to feel threatened. Just take it day by day. And breathe. 

 

 

The struggle continues - aluta continua  :) (and the phrase ends: the victory is certain  :) 

 

 

 

I like this phrase.  :)

 

Sending healing vibes your way. I hope the fatigue lessens and you get a break from your symptoms soon. 

 

 

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I can totally relate to the battle fatigue Bubble. I've been tapering for 3 years and it getting much harder at low doses is really burning me down.

 

Thank you for your feedback. Newbeginning. I wanted to reply to your updates many times but over the last year and a half of this process my energy has been really low. Today is day 11 after the last cut and I've been feeling so wiped out. I got ready to go to work, it was raining heavily. I walked to the train stop, bought the ticket and then just couldn't imagine myself boarding the train, going to work, sitting at my desk for 8 hours and going back. So I turned around and went home. Yesterday I spoke to my therapist about this drive to push myself because it's easier for me to suffer unbearably than to cause waves and inconvenience others, ask for something, be different, not be regular, be needy, be weak.

 

So what is this WD experience teaching me is to let go of pushing against all odds. I'm becoming more and more focused on easing things for myself . I've kept the job not because I'm having an easy time or because my endurance needs to be complimented but because I'm used to treating myself like a step mother. It's time I learn some better self-protection, relying more on others, embracing my vulnerability, embracing that I'm not a successful achiever but not less valuable.

 

I'm making a decision to ask for a sabbatical and go to my husband who is working in Asia at the moment. I have another career in teaching which I left 8 years ago when I started this challenging desk work with lots of travelling and public speaking. Now I'm thinking of trying out teaching again. Maybe I would have more flexibility and when I have serious attention deficit, hyperactivity and lack of focus and concentration it would be easier. And maybe it wouldn't. It's a big decision. Huge. Especially if I don't get the sabbatical.

 

And I don't know if this need for change is a neuroemotion or a legitimate need after 8 years in a draining and very intense job. I also know that changes and WD don't go together but this WD is taking so long and I can't put all of my life on hold any more. Also, I've just turned 40 and I'm thinking why not allowing myself the luxury of being supported by my husband now when I'm so ill and struggling (if it comes to that). This is a bit of an exercise in putting myself first (and second and third and all the places till 10 or further, as far as I need), mindfully feeling my boundaries and asserting them.

 

NB, I sympathise very, very much with your situation. I went through university in WD which I didn't know for what it was. It was horribly painful. I had all the things you mention: anhedonia and apathy, fatigue and brain fog. I  mostly did it because my colleagues carried me. They told me you are smart, you can do it, just come with us. And I did. Also, once you are in a working situation, one can manage with a loss less brain power than we usually think. I have become a master in underachieving. But if you can't do it there is still something we can do: practice acceptance. I'm very happy that you started practicing mindfulness. Are you doing any meditation? Making use of the healing power of nature (just sitting under a tree or by some water can do wonders). Shep and JanCarol are full of ideas of what we can do to help our brain heal (and make this period feel a lot less like a wasted time and more like learning essential skills). Life still has value if we don't work, achieve and produce.If we are not part of the rat race. If we just exist. We cause a lot less pollution and damage to the environment.

 

You have come such a long way. And low doses are hard. Like you say, I also didn't expect that a slow and controlled taper will be this hard (but it is due to so much kindling through CTs). But brain's ability to rebuild itself is amazing. Last year I held for 9 months and it did wonders for me.

 

I've just decided I will hold again because even this small cuts (2.5 %) are wiping me out. The fatigue gets so strong that I feel like I will faint, irritability turns into rage that is so difficult to control. My brain is having a really hard time. I must do all I can to make things easier for it. The belief in the healing process and the neuroplasticity are key. I really hope you see some positive results soon. You deserve it.

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

For those who are able to do this, once you do get into the healing process, you won't have the hard work of doing a complete re-build and fixing all of the collateral damage and that's really amazing. You do such a wonderful job of bringing in mindfulness throughout the day and taking things as they come. You're an inspiration. 

 

I like what you wrote about getting your emotions back. I get minor glimpses of this now, but it's very muted due to dp/dr. Mindfulness and remembering to breathe are two of the things that help the most. I'm looking for more ways of learning how to cope through this phase of withdrawal. I'm someone who likes to always be in control, so I'm learning to mindfully keep things in perspective. To learn the art of what Mooji calls "Beautiful Detachment". If you can observe thoughts without engaging in them, you can observe emotions without engaging in them. So much of this is triggered by chemical responses. No need to feel threatened. Just take it day by day. And breathe. 

 

It's so nice to hear from you dear Shep. I learn a lot from you (and try to apply it in practice as much as I can): mindfulness and breathing. I don't feel so helpless and defenseless, armed with these two tools. And beautiful detachment also :)

 

As I described (at length) in the previous post, there is another important lesson that I have to learn and this is stop pushing myself. I will rebuild my life and fix the collateral damage if it needs be. Healing will mean having more energy to be able to do it. It's not worth the suffering. I'm looking into all the possible ways of easing things for myself.

 

I could get as much sick leave as I needed, even years of it IF I went to psychiatrists and allowed them to label me. But since I can't do that (it's not only that I don't want to but I just can't do it), I'll rather be left to my own devices and not rely on the 'help' from the system. In my country you can get this 'help' if you submit yourself to the power of psychiatrists. If you are out of the system, you are out of the system. At one point I thought it would be unreasonable not to make use of the help that the system offers. But just two conversations with two psychiatrists made me see that I just can't do it.

 

You have so much energy and compassion Shep, even at this stage of your healing. It's great to hear that you also catch glimpses of your emotions. I wish you continued healing and sending big hugs.

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

You have so much wisdom in your last couple of posts, Bubble. Thank you for sharing that with us.

 

I'm sorry your symptoms are so bad you're thinking of going back to your previous career path, but teaching is definitely a nobel path. 

 

You are so incredibly talented and still so young, you'll have plenty of time to deal with whatever collateral damage occurs. And once you're off these drugs and in the healing phase, well, there will be no stopping you. You've already proven you're a warrior. 

 

And you'll be doing it without labels. 

 

Sending healing vibes your way. 

 

 

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Happy to hear from you Bubble.

 

Your dilemma is mine too. Unhappy work situation is very stressful even at times when work is not busy or hard. I suffer from this every day. It drains all my energy. I`m often too tired even to eat when I get home. I see that what I do is not what I want to do and I have no old career to return to. I would have to start all over but I have no energy to even think about what I want to be "when I grow up". All I know it is not this. Or is it just my by poor old tired brain pulling tricks on me?

 

Every day is a Frodo's journey through middle earth. I try to stop when ever I notice a moment I can appreciate. Something that brings back memories from when I was "normal". I cling to those emotions these moments bring from the past and I try to gather them one by one until my life consists mostly of these emotions. I build my own peace of mind little by little. 

 

You are more brave than you realize and I shake my head in disbelieve when I she all the things that you can do regardless of your very hard struggle with tapering. You can make plans for the future. That is a huge thing. I raise my hat. Bravo. I`ve been off meds for over 2 years and I still feel I`m behind you.

 

I know this path we are on makes us often behave like total ******* and feel like this will never end and we are doomed to fail but you should still feel proud that you can be what you are. So many are doing much worse and give up.

08 Cipralex 10mg for about 6 months. 11-12 Cipralex 20mg. Unsuccesful WD. 12-13 Zoloft 100mg with Diazepam 10-20mg as needed for anxiety.
Fall 13 Tapering Zoloft 100->50->25->12,5->0 in 2,5 months and CT Diazepam. 12/24/13 RI Zoloft 12,5mg
.

1/21/14 11mg

3/18/14 9,9mg

2/18/14 8mg

4/22/14 7,6mg

5/5/14 7,2mg

5/12/14 -> cutting 0,5mg per week, holding when necessary.

8/18/14 -> cutting 0,25mg per week holding when necessary.

10/20/2014 -> cutting 0,1mg per week, holding when necessary.
12/28/2014 Jump!

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Hi bubble, I was searching fatigue on SA and your thread came up . I still have to read your whole story but your last entries really caught my attention . Making things easy for yourself and looking for the ways to do it, that is also on my mind lately . it is so hard making it through the day with intense fatigue and yes I also feel like I might faint bc I am so exhausted it is terrible . It is a long and tough journey for sure . Hope you are doing okay

04/10 Luvox 25 mg PM, Nortriptyline 1 mg PM

03/08/19: Buspar 2.5 mg AM, 5 mg PM

01/01/19: Xanax 0.125 AM 5 times a week. Occasionally, 0.125 twice a day AM & noon

12/18 Armour Thyroid 60 mg (for hypothyroidism) 

 

Supplements: B Complex, B12 (adeno), multi-vitamin, D, Adrenal Cortex, iron

  • Lexapro 20 mg 2007 - 2013 with various attempts to stop
  • 2013 found a new Dr and started trying other meds: Prozac, Notryptoline, Effexor, Buspar, Gabapentin, Paxil, Nardil
  • Lexapro 15 mg 2015 - 04/2016
  • Vibryiid 10 - 15mg 05/16-06/16 
  • NO MEDS 07/16 - 10/31/16
  • Reinstated 10/31/16 at 2.5 mg lexapro, increased to 5 mg   
  • 1/13/17 switched to Luvox 50 mg before bed
  • 1/20/17 Luvox 37.5 mg PM
  • 12/18 Luvox 10 mg PM, Nortriptyline 2 mg (started Nortriptyline 06/17 at 10 mg)
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  • Moderator Emeritus

Shep and Moody, I was a bit embarrassed with all the compliments (have hard time with dealing with those :) but I could say the exact same thing for the two of you. Your journey inspires me.

 

It inspires me so much that I've been pushing through with the blood pressure of 80/60 for a few days (only went to my GP today who was surprised that I was complaining only of headache and not dizziness, brain fog and other head stuff. That's only because like most of us here I've lived with these kind of symptoms for decades and don't bother mentioning them to my GP).

 

My plan is more in the sense of looking for a quiet place where I can curl up in pain and be left to myself to heal (but also have some work to do). Like most of us here I would benefit most from a 4 hour day and/or work from home. But that is not possible. I also fear this will get worse before it gets better...

 

Blondie, I'm following your journey and can relate to a lot of what you are going through. Since I'm in my 4th year of taper I can see my symptoms and the baseline changing and varying. This kind of fatigue and particularly its intensity came into play when I started tapering Lexapro. I simply find rest the best remedy. Our brains are using lots of energy for rewiring and we need to find ways to give it a rest. It's very, very challenging because the kind of rest that satisfies an average person doesn't even come close to it... I'm just awaiting Ubiquinol I ordered from iHerb (after I read Petunia was giving it a try and one article that said ADs deplete our brains of this stuff which plays an important role in the energy production...)

 

I don't know what I will do about this low BP, headache and total unwellness resulting from it (especially if it continues).This is something new. Practice more acceptance, for sure. I got 3 days off, mental symptoms are low, I have motivation, I want to do things but find it difficult to leave the bed. That WD is really something...

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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All of us long term lexapro users have very similar symptoms that is for sure.  I agree the fatigue is not something an average person can sleep off and feel better.  All day on the sofa today barely moving. Wow 4 years, that is impressive.  You are amazing for staying strong and determined.  Thank you for inspiring me.  Glad you got a few days off.  And yes this WD is something for sure.   I think that sometimes it is okay to be not strong and curl up and let it out and just be.  

 

I also have low blood pressure, last time it was 86/50 something.  I spoke to my doctor about it and was told to drink plenty of water, no coffee and increase salt intake.  I get these salty peanuts from trader joe's and I snack on them.  They are pretty good and I get my protein and salt that way.  Some dark organic chocolate in small amounts is good too.   

 

Bubble, I see you are taking vitamin C.  Do you take it in a simple pill form?  I read about vitamins in general and how our bodies might not absorb them if they are in synthetic form.  I was thinking of starting taking vitamin C but in powder form - lipospheric form which is claimed to be absorbed by the body better.  

04/10 Luvox 25 mg PM, Nortriptyline 1 mg PM

03/08/19: Buspar 2.5 mg AM, 5 mg PM

01/01/19: Xanax 0.125 AM 5 times a week. Occasionally, 0.125 twice a day AM & noon

12/18 Armour Thyroid 60 mg (for hypothyroidism) 

 

Supplements: B Complex, B12 (adeno), multi-vitamin, D, Adrenal Cortex, iron

  • Lexapro 20 mg 2007 - 2013 with various attempts to stop
  • 2013 found a new Dr and started trying other meds: Prozac, Notryptoline, Effexor, Buspar, Gabapentin, Paxil, Nardil
  • Lexapro 15 mg 2015 - 04/2016
  • Vibryiid 10 - 15mg 05/16-06/16 
  • NO MEDS 07/16 - 10/31/16
  • Reinstated 10/31/16 at 2.5 mg lexapro, increased to 5 mg   
  • 1/13/17 switched to Luvox 50 mg before bed
  • 1/20/17 Luvox 37.5 mg PM
  • 12/18 Luvox 10 mg PM, Nortriptyline 2 mg (started Nortriptyline 06/17 at 10 mg)
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  • Moderator Emeritus

Thank you Blondie. Got the same advice: salty and water. After seeing I won't be able to make it to work today I went to bed and fell asleep till noon. I was so happy my poor brain got that treat. Hope to drag myself to nature tomorrow.

 

I'm not taking vit C at the moment. At one point some members were reporting success of high doses on combating anxiety. I believe their absorbtion in the synthetic form is not that good so I looked at some that come with bioflavonoids.

 

I ran out of L Theanine which I was also taking for quite some time for anxiety. I also haven't been taking my fish oil lately. I can't say I noticed much effect of supplements, one way or other. And there are so many things to pay attention too that sometimes I just slack in my self care: eating, exercising, meditation, supplements, nature...just surviving at work.

 

I got a bit worried about this low BP reading although at the same time strangely relieved that there is something objective and measurable behind my malaise. It's also comforting to hear you've lived with the same. I just have to get used to it...

 

I very much appreciate your permission to just curl up, not be strong, let it out and just be. Very good! Will do exactly that (at least for a while :)

 

I hope you can do the same.

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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  • 3 months later...
17 hours ago, bubble said:

This is so beautiful to read Chia! Thank you for coming back to update!

 

We live off stories from the other side like this :) As someone who is still working on 2 drugs (and looking into years of tapering), I'm particularly amazed that the anxiety disappeared as you stopped your benzo.

 

Wishing you continued healing.

 

Hi bubble!

 

Thanks for visiting my thread and for your kind words. Yes, we do live off stories of hope, don't we?! I did and I still do. It really was amazing how the anxiety left after the benzo left. Fits the description of a rebound effect or paradoxical effect from what I've read. I'm just glad it's gone, blech! 

 

I don't really feel like someone on the other side in this this forum, though I know what you're referring to. I will always feel linked up to my comrades here. We heal differently. I'm the newbie in a Lymes Disease forum now, haha! We think we're going to be on easy street someday, but who ever told us to chase that as a goal?? Let adversity challenge me to greater heights I say!!

 

I wish you peace and healing too.

 

Warmly,

Chia

Read my intro here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/7569-chia1214-tapering-lamotrigine-maybe-clonazapam-later/#entry110043

1975 Hospitalized and first exposure to psych. drugs age 13-15 Haldol, Tofranil, Cogentin, Thorazine. On and off numerous AD’s & AP’s no records until 2000

2000 Celexa, Clonazepam 1mg – never exceeded 1 mg except occasional emergency use

2004 Lamictal (Lamotrigine), Effexor, recall add-on trials of Lexapro, Prozac, Wellbutrin during this time also

2007 Lithium added, switch Effexor to Pristiq, still on Lamictal (Lamotrigine) Clonazepam. Some cold turkey quits of everything over the years. No knowledge of WD

2011 Lithuim Gabapentin Lunestra, Lamictal (Lamotrigine), Clonazepam

2012 Taken off all but Lamictal (Lamotrigine), Clonazepam, began Zyprexa

2013 Abilify replaced Zyprexa (high lipids) added Wellbutrin, Prozac, Adderall

2014 Discontinued Abilify, Wellbutrin, Prozac, Adderall, added Latuda, Quetiapine, then stopped those.

December 2014 Found SA Began slow taper of the only remaining two drugs I'm taking

Clonazepam 0 mg Benzo free as of May 30, 2017

Lamotrigine 0 mg as of Jan 7, 2018   

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  • Moderator Emeritus
On ‎09‎/‎09‎/‎2017 at 1:40 PM, chia1214 said:

 

 We think we're going to be on easy street someday, but who ever told us to chase that as a goal?? Let adversity challenge me to greater heights I say!!

 

Thank you very much for visiting Chia, unearthing my thread for a long overdue update and leaving such gems to think about. Such beautiful thoughts!

 

Life would be a lot easier for all of us if/when we manage to let go off our expectations of what life should be like and chasing that easy street as you say... But it takes practice, lots of practice and patiently learning from this adversity teacher here..

 

I will start my update with a little story I found on fb the other day.

 

Apparently if you put a frog in the water and boil the water, the frog will adjust its body temperature and be able to sustain some pretty high temperature before it finally gets too hot for it and it decides to jump out.

 

But it may so happen that the frog who kept adjusting its body temperature to the boiling water has no energy left to jump out when the heat gets too high.

Then it is killed by its own decision to put up with a bad situation and trying to adjust to it. It is killed by its own inability to decide on when it was the right time to jump out...

 

This little story spoke to me and it spoke even louder when I read a few of my lasts posts back from May. There were full of me bracing up for a big change: moving over with my husband to Asia, leaving my job, leaving the rat race, simplifying my life further to the level where I can possibly feel comfortable living it with my injured nervous system while I'm just about to mark 4 years of starting my final battle with psychotropic drugs. (and being half way there only!)

 

And here I am 4 months later and everything is still the same and this frog continued adjusting herself to ever rising heat of the demands of everyday life so much that it now has no energy for that life-saving jump. I have a new date: the first half of December but if the things get too tough, even sooner. If you need an example of very poor decision making, look no further.

 

Can I say that all this vacillating is a WD symptom? Maybe. But whatever it is, I obviously have to find a way of dealing with it.

 

Instead of planning my escape into a simpler life, I had expanded my meager energy into working on a very taxing project. Now would be the moment to stop self-flagellation and feel some pride at completing it with flying colours and receiving loads of compliments which made me sad because they were a sign I went above and beyond the call of duty again at the expense of my own inner resources, again. But on the other hand, I should again feel glad that I had mental clarity, focus and endurance to complete 150 pages of a report of high quality. It will financially cushion my transition into the new life and possibly open up some further business opportunities which I will maybe be able to take up and engage with at my leisure and my pace. 

 

So the fact that I was able to pull that off was a major sign of improvement and revival of my cognitive functions as well as some emotional clarity. A considerable amount if it.

 

The problem is I just couldn't get enough of the good stuff, I couldn't stop myself. I enjoyed that sense of feeling and seeing things clearly, of having some stamina to go after what I believe in, to do things my way.  So I even embarked on a mission to help some unfortunate souls stranded in an institution. And that was way too much, way too soon and resulted in a complete melt down.

 

I'm into my second week off work, feeling so angry and disappointed with myself for causing myself all this unnecessary suffering. But I'm trying to compose some lessons from the whole experience. It was a big lesson on boundaries setting under extreme circumstances when dealing with persons with intellectual disabilities who don't have a sense of the customary level of observing other people's boundaries. They sensed my weakness and went in for a kill. I'm not sure I was able to extract myself from a very dangerous grip but I put my foot down with all my force. And the lesson it taught me was: I won't do what you expect me to do. I won't do what you need me to do. I will only do what I feel comfortable with and when I feel comfortable. 

 

Their sense of urgency caused me to lose that mindful focus on my inner workings and what was comfortable for me and sent me into a very dangerous situation of losing touch with my inner resources and just responding or better to say reacting to the horrible pressure of demands of people who have no sense of respecting other people's boundaries but just go after whatever they are able to get.

 

I'm still not sure how to extricate myself from this deadly grip. For the time being I took some emergency measures, cut all the contact, took time off, completely focussed on self care, mindfulness meditation twice a day, walking in nature, colouring...

 

My sleep has stabilized after a week and I'm not in the state of that dangerous overdrive.

 

With this venture into the real world at a very high level no wonder my tapering has been put on hold. Actually the symptoms after my last cut made me completely unable to deal with the situation. But I can't blame it on the cut. The situation was getting completely out of hand.

 

I'm sad that I wasn't able to demonstrate any sense of moderation and balance. I should've seen that at the best of time, even if I wasn't in WD, I'm not best suited to deal with such people and should opt for some situations where my boundary issues wouldn't be so pronounced. 

 

Now I have al least 7 more days of complete focus on myself. I went to my island, pretty empty now since the season is over. The weather is not the best but I managed to swim for half an hour yesterday and will go for a nice long walk soon.

 

I'm blessed that I am able to take this time for my healing and practicing mindfulness and I hope it gives me clarity of mind necessary to decide on my future steps. To cut myself some slack, these are not the easiest decisions to make for anyone at the best of times...

 

Maybe one day my update will consist of just a short description of my symptoms ;)

 

1 October is the date when 4 years ago I reached these shores. I'm forever grateful for it. After reinstating at needlessly high doses I started my tapering in January 2014 so I still have some months before I draw up the line and see how much I have managed to taper in 4 years. Generally I do my best not to think about a calendar but I'm only human :)

Edited by bubble

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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Bubble, 

im at a loss for words. 

Ive been reading most of your posts for hours. They're truly inspiring and terrifying all at the same time. 

I wish only the best for you. 

I cant wait to read your success story in the near future. 

You are my hero, 

littlegrandma 

Lex  4.3mg,  3/2/18  Ativan ,5 mg,  lunesta 2 mg , toprol  25 mg                                                            

 

Oct 16-28 2018 C/O to 19 mg V from 1.5 mg Ativan, 1.3 mg lunesta 

jan 22 2019- 11 mg V

jan 23 - pneumonia, 2 AB’s. 

    Hold taper

july 5- 10.72 V

July 6- 11 mg V- ugly bad

july 11- 10.72 mg V, 4.3 lex, 

              25 mg toprol

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Bubble, you never cease to amaze me. Congratulations on finishing the 150 page project and enjoy the rewards that come with it, including this life lesson that you so beautifully articulated. Even the bad stuff - if it brings insight - is a good take-away from withdrawal. As we've chatted about, symptoms are teachers. This whole process is a teacher. If we knew everything ahead of time, what would be the point of it all?

 

You are in the process of learning how to gauge the temperature and not become like the frog in the boiling water.  I just adore that analogy for withdrawal. cc69fb134e.jpeg?v=0

 

I won't post - "Slow down! You must!" Because you are already looking to bring this lesson into your future plans. Mistakes were made, but you turned them into "teachable moments". Thank you for sharing this lesson with us. I will encourage you to put your recovery first. We all must. 

 

This may be what saves you, the poor frog in the boiling water, from a more severe outcome as you continue your taper because you know more now. You can use this knowledge to pave a smoother ride through your taper and recovery. 

 

As Maya Angelou wrote, "I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."  ;)

 

Sending healing vibes your way.
 

 

 

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Wow Bubble. Reading your story was inspiring. I feel you are so courageous. I am trying to adopt your long term vision. A moment at a time.

2001- Klonopin 0.125 mg.  2011- increase to 1 mg.  2018- increase to 1.5 mg 

2010- Trials of SSRI's, several.

2011- Saphris 5 mg. CT. 6/2017- retry Saphris 5 mg sublingual, begin taper August 2020 10% taper with scale, and final taper liquid sublingual, August 2019- taper complete!

2011- Geodon 20 mg. Begin taper Sept 2019. 10% liquid taper. 2020: December-5 mg. 2021: Jan-4.5mg. (held Feb.for vacation). March-4mg. Apr-3.6mg. May-3.2mg. June-2.8mg. (Held July for vacation). Aug-2.4mg. Sept.- 2.2mg. Oct. 2mg. Dec 2022 - Taper complete!

2011- Gabapentin 300 mg to present- 2020. Increase 2023 to 400mg.

2014- Vyvanse 20 mg, 2020- Vyvanse 5 mg. Increase August 2022 20mg

2016- Lithium 300 mg, June 2016 - FT.

2017- Cogentin 0.5 mg. June-August 2019- off Cogentin.

2021 - Hydroxyzine 30mg. Holding.

Omeprazole 20 mg and holding, Omega 3's/fish oil, Magnesium

 

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On ‎11‎/‎09‎/‎2017 at 8:20 PM, Littlegrandma said:

Bubble, 

im at a loss for words. 

Ive been reading most of your posts for hours. They're truly inspiring and terrifying all at the same time. 

I wish only the best for you. 

I cant wait to read your success story in the near future. 

You are my hero, 

littlegrandma 

 

Dear Littlegrandma, you are my hero if you even attempted reading through my posts! I fear doing it because in addition to stirring up memories, they make for a quite boring reading. I typically don't post when I'm symptomatic. Not intentionally but somehow I have a feeling that writing about my symptoms when they are at their worst would make them even worse. That's why my journal is incomplete. 

 

But one of the coping strategy to survive at work or whenever I'm slammed hard is to write down on a piece of paper how I'm feeling. Sometimes at work it is every 30 mins... I  will try to copy a short version of a day or two....

 

Now is not a good time. I went for my emergency melt down recovery and I'm in my second week. I made perfect conditions for myself: I went to 'my' island, a very small place without cars because you can walk over it in a few days. I'm alone at the house. I get up when I want, I don't have to do anything, go anywhere, talk to people, see people. But I walk every day for 9 kilometers and swim if it isn't raining. I practice all sorts of mindfulness techniques and when I'm out in nature remember to be mindful and take in the good as described in Hardwiring Happiness. I colour. I spend time here. I read Embracing Uncertainty. I fix myself some simple meals. I take lots of pictures of snails, wild goats, cows, horses, sheep, the waves, the clouds, the skies. I pick wild oregano and mint. My idea of paradise. For 5 days. At times, sunbathing on the beach while the waves are rolling pebbles at my feet I experience a deep sense of calm all the way to my core. It's fleeting but it is so very good to know that it can happen, that it is there under this chemical storm.

 

I was making steady progress as I was tuning in with the energy of the place, until yesterday when cortisol just started pumping and no amount of nature exposure and mindful exercises could make any dent in it. It felt so very chemical. But why? So I made a list of 3 things: too much physical activity, a tiny cut in the morning OR period due in 7 days. Some people don't like my tendency to go after the cause (and they are right: regardless of the cause I will have to cope with it).

 

But knowing the cause helps me know what to do. (Usually nothing.) Probably my need to be in control.

 

There were cramps in my belly and that reminded me that every month things get even harder. Now when I'm in such a calm setting where I can feel my baseline the extent of havoc it causes is so obvious: surges of cortisol that the customary coping methods don't touch, painfully low feeling of a sick animal that just wants to curl up and whine silently, irritability that escalates into rage, detachment, hunger and in general feeling of a great storm raging inside me for 7 to 10 days every month. Wellness wrote about I think progesterone withdrawal that basically happens towards the end of the cycle. I definitely have hormonal imbalance. Some 15 years ago I had very elevated Androstenedione (and was miraculously treated by a doctor who didn't think much of the pills of any sorts so we were in agreement - there was no treatment.) I've been reading on how to balance your hormones naturally and it's the usual stuff: clean eating, rest, exercise, avoid stress (in particular the stress of WD :)

 

I'm usually so preoccupied with just surviving that I rarely have this chance of focusing on myself and looking into and whine about matters such as horrible PMS. So this is a particular pampering time for me :)

 

Dear Shep, I will so depend on this: 

On ‎11‎/‎09‎/‎2017 at 9:02 PM, Shep said:

I will encourage you to put your recovery first. We all must. 

 

 

It means the world to me and I can't thank you enough and everybody else on this journey.

 

On ‎11‎/‎09‎/‎2017 at 9:23 PM, DMV64 said:

Wow Bubble. Reading your story was inspiring. I feel you are so courageous. I am trying to adopt your long term vision. A moment at a time.

Thank you for stopping by DMV. We all find courage that we never new we had. Every single person who comes here (you are not an exception :) is so very courageous...

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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Bubble your words are so very far from boring.  I'm with LIttle Grandma. Kudos to you.

 

take care,

JS

 

 

26 years of Anti-depressants (probably 32, lost track, alone and/in combination Vyvanse 30mg Discontinued Feb. 22, 2013 Topamax  25-75mg Feb 23, 2013--Feb 2016 0.0 mg Discontinued  Lamotrigine 25-50mg Jan 15, 2016-Adverse Reaction Discontinued Feb 2, 2016 T3 25-50mcg Feb.11, 2016  Discontinued April 23, 2016

Escitalopram 20mg-omg fast taper Nov. 2015-Jan.7, 2016 Crash! Reinstated 20mg  Taper Jan 14, 2016  0.0mg Sept 2016 Reinstated Feb.21, 2017 Escitalopram  5mg Dosage Adjustments  Escitalopram to 2.5mg June 28-30; Increased to 3.75mg July 1-28, 2017    July 29-Aug 4 10mg, alternated between 5 and 10mg next couple days.  Aug 9, 7.25mg;  Aug 10-14 10mg; Aug 15-25 7.25mg, August 25-29, 10mg.   

Levofloxacin (January 2017 2 doses) (Adverse Reaction: Neurotoxcity; 3 daysE.R.$30k+tests)

Adderall 25mgXR (start April 23, 2013) (Nov.2016 20mg) (Dec.2016 15mg) (Feb. 5, 2016 10mg) (June 15, 2017) 5mg XR 

Crossover July 7 to Adderall I.M 5mg Discontinued  Reinstated Adderall 5mgXR  July 28th 

Minipress 1mg began July 20-23, 2mg July 24 last dose Discontinued  (Prescribed to assist with side-effects of updose of Escitalopram) WellbutrinXR 150 mg July 24, 2017 Discontinued;  Hydroxyline 25-200 mg daily, began July 20, Discontnued; (Prescribed for side-effects-sensitized; W/D)Gababentin 100mg August 28, 8/29: 00mg, 8/30/17 100mg discontinued (Prescribed for side-effects of sensitized, W//D)Zolipidem PRN (2.5mg.) Reinstated May 15, 2017 after18m+ discontinuation Between May and  Aug18-Aug 30, 2017 Discontinued

Aug. 30. 2017 Escitalopram 8.2mg, Sept. 6 Ecitalopram (7.25 tablet) September 28 Escitalopram   (7 mg tablet)   Omega 3's , October 1 Escitalopram (6.25...I think)  November 1, Escitalopram (approx. 5.75mg) December 1 (5mg)  Missed .75 for few days, lowered dose.  W/D ramped up Dec.23;  Escitalopram 4mg tab. .75ml liquid March 5.  Adderall XR 5mg, Synthroid 112mcg  March 23 Escitalopram 4mg tab .50ml liquid.April 23 Escotalopram 4mgtab .25ml liquid Escitalopram dropping .25 every 30 days; July 23, 2018 Escitalopram 3.50mg, Adderall XR 5mg, Synthroid 112mcg 

July 2021:  Took last dose of Escitalopram .02mg.  Do dah!

Current:   Synthroid/Generic 100mcg decreased November, 2018  (TSH has changed 5 times since August 30, 2018 resulting in both Hyper and hypothyroid symptoms.)  November 1, 2018, increased Adderall XR to 10mg to combat brain fog after decrease in Synthroid.

 

 

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On 10/09/2017 at 11:53 AM, bubble said:

 

Thank you very much for visiting Chia, unearthing my thread for a long overdue update and leaving such gems to think about. Such beautiful thoughts!

 

Life would be a lot easier for all of us if/when we manage to let go off our expectations of what life should be like and chasing that easy street as you say... But it takes practice, lots of practice and patiently learning from this adversity teacher here..

 

I will start my update with a little story I found on fb the other day.

 

Apparently if you put a frog in the water and boil the water, the frog will adjust its body temperature and be able to sustain some pretty high temperature before it finally gets too hot for it and it decides to jump out.

 

But it may so happen that the frog who kept adjusting its body temperature to the boiling water has no energy left to jump out when the heat gets too high.

Then it is killed by its own decision to put up with a bad situation and trying to adjust to it. It is killed by its own inability to decide on when it was the right time to jump out...

 

This little story spoke to me and it spoke even louder when I read a few of my lasts posts back from May. There were full of me bracing up for a big change: moving over with my husband to Asia, leaving my job, leaving the rat race, simplifying my life further to the level where I can possibly feel comfortable living it with my injured nervous system while I'm just about to mark 4 years of starting my final battle with psychotropic drugs. (and being half way there only!)

 

And here I am 4 months later and everything is still the same and this frog continued adjusting herself to ever rising heat of the demands of everyday life so much that it now has no energy for that life-saving jump. I have a new date: the first half of December but if the things get too tough, even sooner. If you need an example of very poor decision making, look no further.

 

Can I say that all this vacillating is a WD symptom? Maybe. But whatever it is, I obviously have to find a way of dealing with it.

 

Instead of planning my escape into a simpler life, I had expanded my meager energy into working on a very taxing project. Now would be the moment to stop self-flagellation and feel some pride at completing it with flying colours and receiving loads of compliments which made me sad because they were a sign I went above and beyond the call of duty again at the expense of my own inner resources, again. But on the other hand, I should again feel glad that I had mental clarity, focus and endurance to complete 150 pages of a report of high quality. It will financially cushion my transition into the new life and possibly open up some further business opportunities which I will maybe be able to take up and engage with at my leisure and my pace. 

 

So the fact that I was able to pull that off was a major sign of improvement and revival of my cognitive functions as well as some emotional clarity. A considerable amount if it.

 

The problem is I just couldn't get enough of the good stuff, I couldn't stop myself. I enjoyed that sense of feeling and seeing things clearly, of having some stamina to go after what I believe in, to do things my way.  So I even embarked on a mission to help some unfortunate souls stranded in an institution. And that was way too much, way too soon and resulted in a complete melt down.

 

I'm into my second week off work, feeling so angry and disappointed with myself for causing myself all this unnecessary suffering. But I'm trying to compose some lessons from the whole experience. It was a big lesson on boundaries setting under extreme circumstances when dealing with persons with intellectual disabilities who don't have a sense of the customary level of observing other people's boundaries. They sensed my weakness and went in for a kill. I'm not sure I was able to extract myself from a very dangerous grip but I put my foot down with all my force. And the lesson it taught me was: I won't do what you expect me to do. I won't do what you need me to do. I will only do what I feel comfortable with and when I feel comfortable. 

 

Their sense of urgency caused me to lose that mindful focus on my inner workings and what was comfortable for me and sent me into a very dangerous situation of losing touch with my inner resources and just responding or better to say reacting to the horrible pressure of demands of people who have no sense of respecting other people's boundaries but just go after whatever they are able to get.

 

I'm still not sure how to extricate myself from this deadly grip. For the time being I took some emergency measures, cut all the contact, took time off, completely focussed on self care, mindfulness meditation twice a day, walking in nature, colouring...

 

My sleep has stabilized after a week and I'm not in the state of that dangerous overdrive.

 

With this venture into the real world at a very high level no wonder my tapering has been put on hold. Actually the symptoms after my last cut made me completely unable to deal with the situation. But I can't blame it on the cut. The situation was getting completely out of hand.

 

I'm sad that I wasn't able to demonstrate any sense of moderation and balance. I should've seen that at the best of time, even if I wasn't in WD, I'm not best suited to deal with such people and should opt for some situations where my boundary issues wouldn't be so pronounced. 

 

Now I have al least 7 more days of complete focus on myself. I went to my island, pretty empty now since the season is over. The weather is not the best but I managed to swim for half an hour yesterday and will go for a nice long walk soon.

 

I'm blessed that I am able to take this time for my healing and practicing mindfulness and I hope it gives me clarity of mind necessary to decide on my future steps. To cut myself some slack, these are not the easiest decisions to make for anyone at the best of times...

 

Maybe one day my update will consist of just a short description of my symptoms ;)

 

1 October is the date when 4 years ago I reached these shores. I'm forever grateful for it. After reinstating at needlessly high doses I started my tapering in January 2014 so I still have some months before I draw up the line and see how much I have managed to taper in 4 years. Generally I do my best not to think about a calendar but I'm only human :)

Hi bubble 

having just read this I am in awe of all you have achieved and the amazing strength you continuously find. You suffer as badly as any of us but you write so eloquently about how you try to cope and still manage to give the rest of us sufferers such support. -  thank you. 

2006 After sudden death of mother put on 20mg of citaloprom for depression. 

2014 Drug stopped working after two weeks of panic attacks felt fine. 

Aug 2014. Doctor put me on lyrica for rash on face, diarrhoea, sleeplessness,muscle cramp, bruising. Initial dose too strong, halved dose.  Stopped taking it 22/10/14

2014 severe anxiety after several ssri's attempted, seem to have developed severe  sensitivity to any drug, but giving severe  reactions put on cipralex drop form.started on 2 drops and had to increase by 1 drop every 3 days. Eventually got to 12 drops and had to stop as side effects every step of the way dreadful. Psychiatrist kept telling me to stick with it and my body would get used to it.  Eventually down to 8 drops. Bad reactions throughout the time I was on it

Have been on this until may 2017. Stopped over two weeks. Felt fine for 5 weeks after initial dizziness, nightmares, nausea, insomnia.  

Given diazepam by gp and told to take them when anxiety bad. Have only taken them very rarely as they frighten me. 

Last two weeks severe anxiety returned and feeling hopeless 

11July 2017. Cipralex 2mg. Anxiety, nausea still severe

13 July 2017 Cipralex 1mg due to advice of too high dosage  by kind person on thus site. so dropped from 2mg to 1mg and feelings of anxiety still at severe. As well as nausea, headaches, fatigue. 

15 July still feeling extremely anxious verging on panic. Nausea, feelings of fainting, fatigue. Lots of head pains 

3 August. Three weeks into trying to stabilise on one drop of cipralex. Still have waking from 4am. Sporadic upset stomach. Nausea.  High anxiety.  Throbbing/burning in nether regions seems to have eased for time being but stabbing/burning in calves of legs. Tinnitus. Occasional half to whole better days but mainly still struggling. Fatigue   

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • Moderator Emeritus

Just going to note something down. I rarely or not often enough make notes of my waves. I'm usually like I sick animal: just curl up and retreat and nurse my hurt. I don't feel like writing about it. But this is one nice 'wave' that's been going for a month now and is marked by a kind of mental nausea, miserable painful feeling in the psyche that is hard to describe. 

 

I just had to note this difference between having my emotions restored since February and feeling so alive (for a few months). And feeling quite strong and above all motivated. Like I got this wish to do things but no energy to actually do it and in particular no stamina to sustain the effort. And now the switch has been turned off and I  find myself in low mood, no energy and motivation and walking around with this painful emptiness remembering the things I wanted to do and things that I was looking forward to and that made me happy. Now just the thought of them makes me mentally sick and causes this painful feeling of disconnection and allienation.

It's such a stark, dramatic and sudden difference to how I was just 2 or 3 weeks ago: in overdrive and struggling badly with focus and fatigue. Now I'm not so desperately tired, I have more focus and concentration although I have no motivation but do things like on an auto pilot or pushing myself around in wheelchair for brain. I definitely have more humility and less arrogance. I don't want change and don't think about how it would help me, how not sitting at the office and being free, following my own schedule and doing things I enjoy would be good for me. Now I don t have my own schedule and don't have things to enjoy so need someone else's schedule and something to fill my emptiness. For months i was recording how much longer I had to endure at work before I can go home and rest. Now I'm not interested in the passage of time. Being off work would bring me time to rest which I desperately needed and wanted and now it brings me more emptiness. But it is still good to lie down and rest and sleep and meditate and allow myself to feel all I feel and not hide it and control it and distract from it and fake it that I'm here when I don't feel I am.

I even have a journal of my states from Saturday: 10 am - everything is hard, just lying in the bed in the sun, no energy to move, resting this malaise, being swept and hit with its waves

3.50 pm made myself got to the forest but this painful mixture of anxiety and low and lost feeling followed me there. But just pushed through. Taking pics of nature

4.50 pm taking pics of flowers, cramp and injured feeling releasing

This anxiety now might be the result of a cut of 8 days ago.

7pm we got home, had dinner, went to bad and felt calmer

Anxiety ramped up to 7-8/10.

Bath, 9.20 pm calmer but hard to do anything, no motivation

Edited by bubble

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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2 hours ago, bubble said:

Just going to note something down. I rarely or not often enough make notes of my waves. I'm usually like I sick animal: just curl up and retreat and nurse my hurt. I don't feel like writing about it. But this is one nice 'wave' that's been going for a month now and is marked by a kind of mental nausea, miserable painful feeling in the psyche that is hard to describe. 

 

I just had to note this difference between having my emotions restored since February and feeling so alive (for a few months). And feeling quite strong and above all motivated. Like I got this wish to do things but no energy to actually do it and in particular no stamina to sustain the effort. And now the switch has been turned off and I  find myself in low mood, no energy and motivation and walking around with this painful emptiness remembering the things I wanted to do and things that I was looking forward to and that made me happy. Now just the thought of them makes me mentally sick and causes this painful feeling of disconnection and allienation.

It's such a stark, dramatic and sudden difference to how I was just 2 or 3 weeks ago: in overdrive and struggling badly with focus and fatigue. Now I'm not so desperately tired, I have more focus and concentration although I have no motivation but do things like on an auto pilot or pushing myself around in wheelchair for brain. I definitely have more humility and less arrogance. I don't want change and don't think about how it would help me, how not sitting at the office and being free, following my own schedule and doing things I enjoy would be good for me. Now I don t have my own schedule and don't have things to enjoy so need someone else's schedule and something to fill my emptiness. For months i was recording how much longer I had to endure at work before I can go home and rest. Now I'm not interested in the passage of time. Being off work would bring me time to rest which I desperately needed and wanted and now it brings me more emptiness. But it is still good to lie down and rest and sleep and meditate and allow myself to feel all I feel and not hide it and control it and distract from it and fake it that I'm here when I don't feel I am.

I even have a journal of my states from Saturday: 10 am - everything is hard, just lying in the bed in the sun, no energy to move, resting this malaise, being swept and hit with its waves

3.50 pm made myself got to the forest but this painful mixture of anxiety and low and lost feeling followed me there. But just pushed through. Taking pics of nature

4.50 pm taking pics of flowers, cramp and injured feeling releasing

This anxiety now might be the result of a cut of 8 days ago.

7pm we got home, had dinner, went to bad and felt calmer

Anxiety ramped up to 7-8/10.

Bath, 9.20 pm calmer but hard to do anything, no motivation

Hi bubble

you write about your situation so well and I feel for you but as you say to me this bleak place you find yourself in is just a moment and as you say you cut your dose.  Now your brain needs to stabilise again. Then you will return to a brighter better state in the meantime, as you say to us, be kind to yourself, keep taking pictures, sit by your lovely stream and gather your energy for when brighter days come back soon.

2006 After sudden death of mother put on 20mg of citaloprom for depression. 

2014 Drug stopped working after two weeks of panic attacks felt fine. 

Aug 2014. Doctor put me on lyrica for rash on face, diarrhoea, sleeplessness,muscle cramp, bruising. Initial dose too strong, halved dose.  Stopped taking it 22/10/14

2014 severe anxiety after several ssri's attempted, seem to have developed severe  sensitivity to any drug, but giving severe  reactions put on cipralex drop form.started on 2 drops and had to increase by 1 drop every 3 days. Eventually got to 12 drops and had to stop as side effects every step of the way dreadful. Psychiatrist kept telling me to stick with it and my body would get used to it.  Eventually down to 8 drops. Bad reactions throughout the time I was on it

Have been on this until may 2017. Stopped over two weeks. Felt fine for 5 weeks after initial dizziness, nightmares, nausea, insomnia.  

Given diazepam by gp and told to take them when anxiety bad. Have only taken them very rarely as they frighten me. 

Last two weeks severe anxiety returned and feeling hopeless 

11July 2017. Cipralex 2mg. Anxiety, nausea still severe

13 July 2017 Cipralex 1mg due to advice of too high dosage  by kind person on thus site. so dropped from 2mg to 1mg and feelings of anxiety still at severe. As well as nausea, headaches, fatigue. 

15 July still feeling extremely anxious verging on panic. Nausea, feelings of fainting, fatigue. Lots of head pains 

3 August. Three weeks into trying to stabilise on one drop of cipralex. Still have waking from 4am. Sporadic upset stomach. Nausea.  High anxiety.  Throbbing/burning in nether regions seems to have eased for time being but stabbing/burning in calves of legs. Tinnitus. Occasional half to whole better days but mainly still struggling. Fatigue   

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  • Moderator Emeritus

That's very nice of you Scorpio :) Now you know I know what I'm talking about :)

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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Bubble, I'm hoping today finds you in a better place. I'm sorry. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you and can , of course, empathize. I really have no words. Just sadness and the hope you'll be feeling good again soon.    Lg

Lex  4.3mg,  3/2/18  Ativan ,5 mg,  lunesta 2 mg , toprol  25 mg                                                            

 

Oct 16-28 2018 C/O to 19 mg V from 1.5 mg Ativan, 1.3 mg lunesta 

jan 22 2019- 11 mg V

jan 23 - pneumonia, 2 AB’s. 

    Hold taper

july 5- 10.72 V

July 6- 11 mg V- ugly bad

july 11- 10.72 mg V, 4.3 lex, 

              25 mg toprol

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Thanks for stopping by Littlegrandma.

 

I'm actually not complaining. Things are good and there are good things in every bad period.

 

There is this quote from Good Will Hunting: You will have bad times but it'll always wake you up to the good stuff you weren't paying attention to. 

 

I slowed down enough to appreciate lying in the bed flooded by the warm autumn sun. I was blessed to spend three hours in a forest in a harmonious company of my dear younger brother and his two dogs. I was mindful enough to notice and savour the beauty of the nature around me in the play of the sun and shade on ferns, leaves and mushrooms. I admired the patterns which emerged from a close scrutiny of small wild flowers which revealed all their beauty through the camera lenses. It was a good day. Very good day.

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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I am so glad Bubble. Sounds wonderful. Love your attitude. 

I hope you're writing a book.   Lg

Lex  4.3mg,  3/2/18  Ativan ,5 mg,  lunesta 2 mg , toprol  25 mg                                                            

 

Oct 16-28 2018 C/O to 19 mg V from 1.5 mg Ativan, 1.3 mg lunesta 

jan 22 2019- 11 mg V

jan 23 - pneumonia, 2 AB’s. 

    Hold taper

july 5- 10.72 V

July 6- 11 mg V- ugly bad

july 11- 10.72 mg V, 4.3 lex, 

              25 mg toprol

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus
4 hours ago, bubble said:

I slowed down enough to appreciate lying in the bed flooded by the warm autumn sun. I was blessed to spend three hours in a forest in a harmonious company of my dear younger brother and his two dogs. I was mindful enough to notice and savour the beauty of the nature around me in the play of the sun and shade on ferns, leaves and mushrooms. I admired the patterns which emerged from a close scrutiny of small wild flowers which revealed all their beauty through the camera lenses. It was a good day. Very good day.

 

Beautiful and poetic. As LIttlegrandma wrote, I hope you're writing a book, too. You have a way with poetry and I enjoy reading and exploring how you see the world during withdrawal and beyond. 

 

 

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Hi bubble - 

 

I wanted to thank you for stopping by my thread earlier.  And I wanted to let you know that I can't get that frog out of my head!  Every time I push myself to do things and be productive I keep thinking about this little frog and not making it :| 

 

Other things you mentioned in your earlier post about enduring the time at work and waiting to go home so you could rest, this is me pretty much every day at work.  I try to not let the time worry me and just accept it but when fatigue hits in (which is pretty often in my case) I cannot help it.  Sometimes it is more bearable and when I am busy it goes by quickly which I am thankful for.  I am practicing gratitude and being in the moment, but it is tough 

 

It is great about the forest and being out there observing and enjoying nature.  I truly believe nature can heal us.  This might sound strange, but I was in Europe few years back and was on this tour around this little village and they had this huge tree.  It was claimed that if you come near it and hug it and just stand there it can heal you.  I remember standing there next to this huge tree and hugging it.  Even though it might be just a myth but for some reason it felt peaceful and nurturing (even being on 20 mg of lexapro at the time, hello numbness) 

 

Hope you are having a better week bubble.  I continue to follow your story and get inspiration for my own recovery.  Your writing is beautiful 

 

B.

04/10 Luvox 25 mg PM, Nortriptyline 1 mg PM

03/08/19: Buspar 2.5 mg AM, 5 mg PM

01/01/19: Xanax 0.125 AM 5 times a week. Occasionally, 0.125 twice a day AM & noon

12/18 Armour Thyroid 60 mg (for hypothyroidism) 

 

Supplements: B Complex, B12 (adeno), multi-vitamin, D, Adrenal Cortex, iron

  • Lexapro 20 mg 2007 - 2013 with various attempts to stop
  • 2013 found a new Dr and started trying other meds: Prozac, Notryptoline, Effexor, Buspar, Gabapentin, Paxil, Nardil
  • Lexapro 15 mg 2015 - 04/2016
  • Vibryiid 10 - 15mg 05/16-06/16 
  • NO MEDS 07/16 - 10/31/16
  • Reinstated 10/31/16 at 2.5 mg lexapro, increased to 5 mg   
  • 1/13/17 switched to Luvox 50 mg before bed
  • 1/20/17 Luvox 37.5 mg PM
  • 12/18 Luvox 10 mg PM, Nortriptyline 2 mg (started Nortriptyline 06/17 at 10 mg)
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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi bubble i know you have a big day ahead tomorrow just wanted to stop by and wish you all the best and a fast and full recovery. You are going to be fine.

Catch up with you again next week.

Sending you healing vibes

thinking of you

nz11

Thought for the day: Lets stand up, and let’s speak out , together. G Olsen

We have until the 14th. Feb 2018. 

URGENT REQUEST Please consider submitting  for the petition on Prescribed Drug Dependence and Withdrawal currently awaiting its third consideration at the Scottish Parliament. You don't even have to be from Scotland. By clicking on the link below you can read some of the previous submissions but be warned many of them are quite harrowing.

http://www.parliament.scot/GettingInvolved/Petitions/PE01651   

Please tell them about your problems taking and withdrawing from antidepressants and/or benzos.

Send by email to petitions@parliament.scot and quote PE01651 in the subject heading. Keep to a maximum of 3 sides of A4 and you can't name for legal reasons any doctor you have consulted. Tell them if you wish to remain anonymous. We need the numbers to help convince the committee members we are not isolated cases. You have until mid February. Thank you

Recovering paxil addict

None of the published articles shed light on what ssri's ... actually do or what their hazards might be. Healy 2013. 

This is so true, with anything you get on these drugs, dependance, tapering, withdrawal symptoms, side effects, just silent. And if there is something mentioned then their is a serious disconnect between what is said and reality! 

  "Every time I read of a multi-person shooting, I always presume that person had just started a SSRI or had just stopped."  Dr Mosher. Me too! 

Over two decades later, the number of antidepressant prescriptions a year is slightly more than the number of people in the Western world. Most (nine out of 10) prescriptions are for patients who faced difficulties on stopping, equating to about a tenth of the population. These patients are often advised to continue treatment because their difficulties indicate they need ongoing treatment, just as a person with diabetes needs insulin. Healy 2015

I believe the ssri era will soon stand as one of the most shameful in the history of medicine. Healy 2015

Let people help people ... in a natural, kind, non-addictive (and non-big pharma) way. J Broadley 2017

 

 

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Hi bubble 

having just seen the post from nz I wish you well and hope you have a speedy recovery from whatever you are going through. 

2006 After sudden death of mother put on 20mg of citaloprom for depression. 

2014 Drug stopped working after two weeks of panic attacks felt fine. 

Aug 2014. Doctor put me on lyrica for rash on face, diarrhoea, sleeplessness,muscle cramp, bruising. Initial dose too strong, halved dose.  Stopped taking it 22/10/14

2014 severe anxiety after several ssri's attempted, seem to have developed severe  sensitivity to any drug, but giving severe  reactions put on cipralex drop form.started on 2 drops and had to increase by 1 drop every 3 days. Eventually got to 12 drops and had to stop as side effects every step of the way dreadful. Psychiatrist kept telling me to stick with it and my body would get used to it.  Eventually down to 8 drops. Bad reactions throughout the time I was on it

Have been on this until may 2017. Stopped over two weeks. Felt fine for 5 weeks after initial dizziness, nightmares, nausea, insomnia.  

Given diazepam by gp and told to take them when anxiety bad. Have only taken them very rarely as they frighten me. 

Last two weeks severe anxiety returned and feeling hopeless 

11July 2017. Cipralex 2mg. Anxiety, nausea still severe

13 July 2017 Cipralex 1mg due to advice of too high dosage  by kind person on thus site. so dropped from 2mg to 1mg and feelings of anxiety still at severe. As well as nausea, headaches, fatigue. 

15 July still feeling extremely anxious verging on panic. Nausea, feelings of fainting, fatigue. Lots of head pains 

3 August. Three weeks into trying to stabilise on one drop of cipralex. Still have waking from 4am. Sporadic upset stomach. Nausea.  High anxiety.  Throbbing/burning in nether regions seems to have eased for time being but stabbing/burning in calves of legs. Tinnitus. Occasional half to whole better days but mainly still struggling. Fatigue   

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  • Moderator Emeritus

I'm sorry for not replying everyone. My 'wave' that started in September just deepened two weeks ago and on Monday reached new depths not experienced for 2 years. Luckily I don't despair too often and I don't feel hopeless. But this time I did/I am just because of the extent to which I have been wiped up, not been able to see or feel the world around me or within me. Like looking at the remains of a nuclear disaster, hardly recognizing remains of the things I normally like, care about, hope for and believe in. Everywhere I look around me and within me just stumps and strange forms covered in ashes that feel me with deep mental disgust and a profound sense of alienation. 

 

I just couldn't believe it that it could all be caused by a local anesthetic for a dental intervention (as I now found containing epinephrine/adrenalin. Although my dentist claims in a negligent amount (enough to make me numb and not feel the pain of a badly inflamed nerve :( and claiming it doesn't 'get in the body' - whatever he means by that...)

 

Here is a copy of the log from one of the days preceding me for my record:

 

Friday: Woke up feeling agitated and restless, overactivated, calm meditation relaxed me a lot

8 ran to the train to work, great inner restlessness

10.20 at an event at the library, feeling unstable, like a bubble about to burst, pain in lower abdomen

Adh, hard to focus and concentrate although I don't have to do anything. Just sit and try to pay attention. But even that is horribly hard.

11.20 complete lack of mental energy, even for planning an escape or something that could possibly make me feel better

12 very sleepy

1 painfully empty feeling like a fish out of water

4.50 on the train back, very tired and sleepy, inner restlessness, can t focus or concentrate

 

Saturday - inner restlessness and agitation the whole day

4.20 jumping out of my skin, very unstable, scared

5 picking rosehip, warm and sunny, but i m in my own agitated hell

9.24 a bit clearer, was very confused, scared, out of body, like floating through thick anxiety, detached. Very low, sad, fragile, crying. But just going with the program...

 

Sunday - high anxiety and detached feeling continue and nothing can touch them - meditation, gentle walks in nature, lying in the sun on the grass - the inner horror and pain remain untouched

 

Monday - 1.40 gusts of suffocating emptiness and mental nausea, people and things look unreal, out of body sensation, can't feel happiness or enthusiasm, operate like an automaton, want to hide, scared, Can't think of what would make me happy

2.15 i feel like i m disintegrating, horribly scared. The center cannot hold. Panic attack

Don't know why. Can't imagine myself going on and have to board a plane and leave the country for 2 days... i want to run home and hide.

 

But I go on. Board the plan and all, take part in events although at times I can hardly speak. There are moments of clarity when the horrible confusion abates, like a cramp leaving a wounded and sore calm. 

 

My inner narrative which tells me to endure and to feel hopeful and in control in my tiny little world is punctured. I can't tell myself stories of calm and self-soothing.

 

There will be some good and some lessons learnt from this. But not now, not at the moment.

 

There is a great video I cam across where a psychiatrist is beautifully explaining Claire Weekes' notion of floating through a panic level anxiety:

 

 

And there is a poem I wrote to console myself: 

 

Consolation of the passing leaves

 

I m trying to steady myself
Clutching at the leaves of grass

Meadows are resting in the sun
Peacefully echoing with the last of chirping
Some last minute arrangements
Coming from the bushes
Before they leave us
To the misery and cold of gloomy days
Now the sky is bright
And rosehip glowing
Well protected by thorns

Can you help me meadow?
Or you birds?
Can you sooth me?
And take away this anguish?
I come every day
I m your creature
And I'm in pain


It will pass.
Let the sun rest on your face
And before you know it
It will pass
Like the flowers that were here this spring
These golden leaves will pass too
Just endure
And you will be blessed with their return
And so will peace be restored to you.

 

Edited by bubble

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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