bubble: tapering off Lexapro and Xanax

[bubble]

grrrrr.

 

What kind of therapist is that ;( Why do you go to see him/her if he/she makes you feel so bad?

 

You obviously don't trust this person which is a basis of all therapeutic relationships...

 

do you really on him/her for your supply of medication?

[moodyblues78]

No it is not about her. She is great.

 

It just that I have to go trough the bad things in my life there and it gives me stress and makes my tinnitus worse which leads to anxiety and panic. It is a very complicated situation.

 

I trust her very much. This is about me. She is not responsible of any of my mediaction.

[bubble]

I understand. But I still think the therapist is there to make our confronting with painful issues more bearable and slow down the process when it gets too intense. 

 

But it's great you have a good and trusting therapeutic relationship and support. I've been in constant 18 year therapy with various therapists and feel I wouldn't have made it without that support...

[lexicon]

Aww Bubble, I am so very happy that you are experiencing some windows ..

 

That is a blessing ..May they return in abundance, and stay clear and breezy ..

 

And if you feel generous, please send one my way ..

 

Thinking of you, and sending you ♥♫♪ ♥ *♫♪ ♥ *ℒℴѵℯ ♥

 

Lexi

[bubble]

An update: I feel like whining and moaning and groaning but I can't because my brain feels like a mush or a bubble about to burst (again) and part of the problem is being coherent and articulate.

 

For my future reference, after my 5 % cut for a few days, I didn't feel any difference and even felt better and then on the 5 th day (as it's said that it takes 4 days for the change to register), I started feeling impatient, progressing to irritable, progressing to aggressive and accompanied by increasing anxiety. 

 

This also served as a very 'convenient' time to become acutely aware of my shortcomings and maladaptive behaviours: why don't I communicate in an asserive and clear manner what bothers me to people but instead expect them to read my mind and fill with frustration at their failure to do so only to explode into aggression. (When I said aggression my therapist had in mind throwing chairs or something like that but in my case it actually means the urge to storm out from a meeting because I couldn't get a word in edgeways and was patiently waiting for my turn which never came till I exploded into saying there was no point in saying anything any more (when they finally asked for my contribution). 

 

It is also an equally 'convenient' time to be conscious of my painful insecurities and feeling like a little (scared) girl (of 4) strayed in the world of adults so it actually consumes an awful lot of energy to put up a question in a meeting. Which then leads on to thinking why am I doing something that is so contrary to my personality?, which in turn leads to unanswereable question of what is it that would be suited to my personality, which leads to the conclusion that my personality got so messed up in the first half of my life that the second half hasn't been enough to unmess it (and will probably live my whole life like this) so accept, accept, accept and make the best use of the cards you've been dealt with, grrrr

 

Did I make that drop too soon?, can't helo asking myself, or would I feel like this any time, every time I drop...

 

I will endure and wait to see what happens... 

[Petunia]

Hi Bubble,

Thank you for updating and I'm sorry you have been struggling a bit since your cut.  I don't know much about benzo tapering, but I would think its quite normal to get some increased symptoms after a cut.  I so much admire people who are going through this difficult experience and still manage to go to work, function and remain professional enough not to cause themselves too much trouble.

 

I like how you are using this experience to analyze your life situation, but remember that most of your thoughts and feelings at the moment are being clouded by neuro-emotions, so don't make any decisions.  From what you have written before, I get the impression that you are very good at your job and highly respected.

 

Like you, I find it very frustrating being in a situation where I have something I want to say, but can't get a word in.  Be extra gentle with yourself until you start to feel better.

 

Don't worry about what you write not making sense, this is one place where you don't have to be articulate all the time, we understand just how badly these drugs and the withdrawal process can mess with our thinking and communication skills.  I actually think its beneficial for members to post when they are feeling better, but also when feeling at their worse, if its possible.  It provides a more accurate history to look back on, so we can see evidence of the windows and waves pattern of recovery.  Or in the case of tapering, there is a consistent pattern of decline after a cut and then gradual improvement. 

 

On the question of did you cut too soon.  As I mentioned already, I'm no expert on benzos, but I would think its expected that some symptoms return after a cut, this doesn't mean it was too soon.  If the symptoms don't  start to reduce within several weeks, then perhaps you might come to the conclusion that the cut was too soon or too large.

 

hugs

Petu.

[bubble]

Dear Petu,

 

I didn't expect a reply so wasn't even checking my thread but reading your reply meant an awful lot!

 

Knowing that the way I feel at the moment are actually neuroemotions, knowing that I'm actually healing and above all, knowing that I can come here and be completely honest about how I feel without the fear that I'm overwhelming, scarrying or burdening someone is an incredible experience after going through this on my own for such a long time.

 

The day after I wrote that, 5 Feb a windowed opened at 10.30 am (I wrote the time down expecting to write down the time when it will close but it lasted the whole day!

 

that night the anxiety was of lower intensity and yesterday I again had difficulties primarily with controlling my irritability and anger (I'm usually mild especially in formal situations and under control in all situations but over the last days I would just explode which scared me a lot).

 

I have no choice but to work. maybe I should correct myself and say: I THINK I have no choice but to work. I realise there is always a choice it's just that I'm too conditioned to see a different option. 

 

Sometimes I think that working is bad for my health and that I would be better off if I could focus only on my recovery. On the other hand, the window I experienced was largely due to work. I attended a whole day workshop where I had to give a short presentation. at first I was freaking out: how will I manage to be among people the whole day being so anxious, it's easier being alone in the office. among these people were some that I had uneasy professional relations since we had conflicting attitudes and opinions and being with them is always highly stressful. 

 

But i reduced my expectations from me, focused on being present in the moment, forget past and future grievances and opened myself up to a positive outlook, there were foreign experts, my oponnents modified their attitudes and i accepted that change and our relationship improved. I was able to move away from fixation on the past wrong and accept the possibility that people can change. It was extermely valuable learning opportunity and work on changing my maladaptive patterns.

 

Work provided me with this opportunity.

 

This morning I was thinking how I could, if I leave my present job, write an email to my boss and coleagues that they had for 5 years been working with somebody suffering from depression: knowing that they respect me very much, that very frequently I put in even more work than the others, that my work is of high quality, that I mostly have good and supportive relationship with all of them but that they at the same time have negative attitudes about people who suffer from depression. and knowing that they also see that I have periods when i'm more lively and periods when I'm more quiet, keep to myself, don't defend my otherwise strongly held beliefs, let everything go...

 

Their positive expectations and the fact that they see me in a positive light as a high achiever helps me go through periods when I achieve less. It is like I let myself be carried by a current. I just jump into a river. If I have energy I swim with great vigour and steer my course. When I run out of energy I just let myself be carried by the flow BUT making sure I make as many strokes as I can no matter how hard it is to preserve teh appearance.

 

will stop here now

[Meimeiquest]

Hi Bubble, Very good thoughts. I too find work a double-edged sword...exhausting (even though my job is easy), but it means I have to keep going. Dr. Shipko says irritability is the most common withdrawal symptom. I am very sound sensitive. Our household is quite noisy....there's an unexpected noise, I scream involuntarily, then turn into a b.... Good times for all. Then I settle, there's a noise, family looks at me, and nothing happens.

[areyouthere]

Bubbles & Meimeiquest… I admire you both for recognizing that you need to taper while you are still working. I did not realize that the drug cocktail that I was taking could be contributing to my feeling lousy until I was nearly retired. I had been slowly declining in my attitude, productivity & coping skills and really didn't connect the dots until, like I said, the decision to retire was nearly complete. To be honest , I am very proud to have made it as far as I did, as long as I did & still not compromise my performance ( too much). 

 

But I would like to tell you that for that short while; a 5 month period,  that I had begun to change drug scheduling, dosages etc., that I was experiencing WD symptoms & changes in mood etc. I was also maintaining a very intellectually challenging  & highly stressful job situation.

 

I realized at that time that if not for the fact that I waited wayyyyy to long and was by then too exhausted to continue working ( teaching) effectively irregardless, that had I started to taper maybe even 5 years earlier I could have managed it. AND I wished I had. But I didn't and I'm ok with it.

 

So…. to BOTH of you. Good for you to start your taper and recovery while working. I think that it is definitely is possible to do… as I said, if not for the fact that I was too burned out in my job already I'm pretty sure I could have done it as well.

 

Keep up the good fight!!!

 

RU

[Meimeiquest]

Thanks, RU...I'm sure you were great! I almost, almost quit/got fired a year ago when I was incapable of doing my self-assessment for my annual review...and I really couldn't care. Definitely better this year. I was very clueless, I just asked my doc if I could stop my most expensive drug because we were having financial difficulties. He laughed, I tapered...and everything broke loose. I was not wise or brave.

[bubble]

Having a clear, nice window from 11.45 this morning. 

 

Anxiety has still been around over the past few days, sometimes quite strong but being replaced by windows.

 

I gently pushed myself to go to a manifestation commemorating a historic battle of peasant rebellion in the country. It was soooo hard for me to go. I was so depleted, anxious at times but spending the whole days outdoors, even joining in some singing and dancing was amazing. At one point I didn't even pretend I was enjoying myself but really got lost in the moment.

 

I feel so very happy and blessed to have found this forum and enjoyed reading your posts RU and Meimei. I can't even describe what it feels like to be in contact with people who have experienced/ are experiencing the same

 

Thanks, RU...I'm sure you were great! I almost, almost quit/got fired a year ago when I was incapable of doing my self-assessment for my annual review...and I really couldn't care. Definitely better this year. I was very clueless, I just asked my doc if I could stop my most expensive drug because we were having financial difficulties. He laughed, I tapered...and everything broke loose. I was not wise or brave.

 

I have just read one of the most beautiful things that I've read in a long, long while. Wriiten by Petu

 

I've written this before in various posts, but I believe that for some of us, whether we like it or not,  this experience of drug withdrawal acts as a catalyst for change and growth on a deeper level, where something separate from our own will is running the show.  It can be a very humbling experience to learn, beyond a shadow of a doubt that something else, rather than me is in control of my life.

 

I'm starting to see how taking drugs, to change the way my brain works, was one more way I tried to control something which wasn't mine to control.  Instead I should have been learning how to accept myself the way I am and make my life work with the personality and nature I was born with. 

 

And RU, I'll soon be 37 and wasn't able to have a child all these years because I wasn't able to come off medications. So that is a very strong motivation on my part... (I read on one forum a lot of woman writing about giving birth to healthy babies while on Xanax and ADs but I can't imagine hooking the unborn baby on that stuff ;((

 

Bubbles & Meimeiquest… I admire you both for recognizing that you need to taper while you are still working. I did not realize that the drug cocktail that I was taking could be contributing to my feeling lousy until I was nearly retired. I had been slowly declining in my attitude, productivity & coping skills and really didn't connect the dots until, like I said, the decision to retire was nearly complete. To be honest , I am very proud to have made it as far as I did, as long as I did & still not compromise my performance ( too much). 

 

But I would like to tell you that for that short while; a 5 month period,  that I had begun to change drug scheduling, dosages etc., that I was experiencing WD symptoms & changes in mood etc. I was also maintaining a very intellectually challenging  & highly stressful job situation.

 

I realized at that time that if not for the fact that I waited wayyyyy to long and was by then too exhausted to continue working ( teaching) effectively irregardless, that had I started to taper maybe even 5 years earlier I could have managed it. AND I wished I had. But I didn't and I'm ok with it.

 

So…. to BOTH of you. Good for you to start your taper and recovery while working. I think that it is definitely is possible to do… as I said, if not for the fact that I was too burned out in my job already I'm pretty sure I could have done it as well.

 

Keep up the good fight!!!

 

RU

[mammaP]

It's good that you went to the event Bubble, it sounds like it was great fun. 

I'm so glad you enjoyed it, you must be walking on air now!  Sometimes the 

hardest things to do can turn out to be really good experiences, well done for

going when you really didn't feel up to it 

[Rhiannon]

Hi Bubble, just stopped by to say hello. It sounds like you're doing great! I know that doesn't mean you're feeling great all the time, but I think you are still thinking logically and well and doing good things to take care of yourself through this process and making good decisions. That's one of the hardest things for me while in withdrawal, making decisions.

 

Good to see you!

[areyouthere]

 

 

I gently pushed myself to go to a manifestation commemorating a historic battle of peasant rebellion in the country. It was soooo hard for me to go. I was so depleted, anxious at times but spending the whole days outdoors, even joining in some singing and dancing was amazing. At one point I didn't even pretend I was enjoying myself but really got lost in the moment.

 

 

Boy, bubble!! Do I ever understand THIS!!! 

 

I'd like to offer a congratulations for pushing yourself as well!!

 

During these darker days of winter I am finding it very, very difficult to follow any of my own advice regarding finding a balance between healthy activity and healing rest. It's like I just kind of stumble from day to day.

 

Today I felt ambitious enough to scrub some floors and do a little laundry after having taken (what felt like) a healing nap.

 

Tomorrow I will push myself out the door to do some shopping with my husband. I'm looking forward to it AT THIS MOMENT but cannot trust that I will feel that tomorrow. BUT. As you did, I will push myself to go and I DO know that I will be glad that I did!!

 

Warmer weather is in the forecast!!! Now THAT I will be glad to see NO MATTER WHAT!!!

 

Wishing you continued strength and resolve…….

 

RU 

[bubble]

Dear RU,

 

I actually apply this "RU's rule" very much: alternate activity and rest.

 

It actually comes naturally to all people but for our poor battered CNS it is a lot more important than for others. Adopting this principle as RU's rule helped me a lot to deal with my inner conditioning which sees any kind of rest (especialyl when there are things to do, which there always are) as laziness.

 

RU's rule now helps me to do what is necessary for my wellbeing without feeling guilty or in other ways bad.

 

Just decided to call it RU's rule hope you don't mind

 

A little note for you so that you don't feel bad about breaking your rule: in winter our natural rhythm slows down like everything in nature so it is actually natural to have less energy. (For us it is probably even more pronounced than for other people). But we should allow ourselves some winter slumber, free of guilt

 

love,

 

bubble

[bubble]

Hi Bubble, just stopped by to say hello. It sounds like you're doing great! I know that doesn't mean you're feeling great all the time, but I think you are still thinking logically and well and doing good things to take care of yourself through this process and making good decisions. That's one of the hardest things for me while in withdrawal, making decisions.

 

Good to see you!

 Dear Rhi,

 

your encouragement means so very much for me! thank you True that I don't feel great but I do feel better and this is very encouraging. Learning from all of you helps enormously.

 

so can't thank you enough

 

love,

 

bubble

[bubble]

I so much wanted to write here but didn't have time nor focus over the last week. 

 

It was also my perfectionism making it impossible for me to do something achievable knowing that it won't be 'perfect' or not even what it should be.

 

It all started with very vivid and intense dreams last Friday. The content was not so disturbing but the feelings of anguish were so intense that they would linger for many hours after waking. Then I had a weekend with my family and although our relations have improved significantly and I am able to relate to my mother and my siblings much more than ever before, every time I go home, old wounds open. (In order to understand the significance of this, I should add that I was left with my grandparents to look after me when I was a year old and in the process lost touch with my mother, father, 3 siblings which were born after me and lived with parents while I lived with grandparents until I was 6. Going back 'home' and being separated from my grandmother was another traumatic experience. So I've always felt like an outsider in my family, among other things.

 

I also visited the house which used to belong to my grandmother, the cemetry where my father is after he committed suicide 2 years ago so the anxiety that was rising in me couldn't be said to have much to do with withdrawal. Actually this was anxiety that has been with me since my earliest memories. It was the anxiety of my life situation that pills were protecting me from or at least isolating me from.

 

At the same time the relationship with my boyfriend started getting very strained. It was a long distance relationship. We would be apart on different continents for 3 months then be together for 3 months and while being together we would have periods of intense crises. It as a very complex topic but let's just say that I alternate between periods of being very close with people or as I started to understand with the help of my psychologist, periods where I merge my unstable sense of identity with the identity of other person. Since I'm not separate, I'm actually not really present with the other people and this merging after a while becomes so threatening for my psychic that I push into the opposite extreme of complete isolation so that I could regain my boundaries again.

 

I feel so hopless after almost 2 decades of psychotherapy to understand what is going on and why and yet not being able to do anything/much to change this. 

 

But there is something that comes from inside of me, some dark corners carried through dreams that, for a lack of better word, destabilises me. On Sunday I dreamt a very, very intense grief. I dreamt my dear friend has died (of course in perfect health). But I couldn't shake off that feeling for half a day, it was so intense I even cried for her. But I say I dreamt grief because it was not really about her. Maybe it was about my father...

 

Anyway, I feel so sensitive, so fragile. But anxiety is bearable, like a faithful companion. I yearn for something that would take the edge off that sharp pain that I woke up with (it's not morning cortisol, it's something like a sharp knife, leaving my psychic bruised, red and raw as someone said. Before I would up my Xanax but now I just wait for it to pass. And it passes.

 

I ordered Taurine and decided to treat myself on iHerbs with magnesium glycinate and some good-quality fish oil.

 

In the meantime, I just put one foot in front of the other. Isoloation sooths me, reading a book on my own but my boyfriend can't take that ;(

 

I think I feel better after this venting...

[mammaP]

No wonder you feel fragile Bubble! When I was in hospital after giving birth to my son

I had a terrible nightmare where I discovered my little 5 year old daughter drowned in the bath.

She was fine of course but the nurse was hovering when I woke and said she knew I was having

a nightmare. Then she held my hand while I cried and told me that even though it was a dream

my body didn't know the difference and was feeling the same as if it were real.   Once the reality

sets in the brain can then adjust but for a time the body is still in shock. 

That made a lot of sense to me and I can imagine how you are feeling today.  Opening up old

traumas too.

I wish I knew how to heal them but I have no idea, therapy doesn't always work. I read something on

one of Gia's threads about PTSD and how counselling and therapy don't work, If I can find it I'll post

it here for you, it made a lot of sense to me and helped me realise why therapy didn't really help me.

Meanwhile, take care of you, read your book and send the boyfriend to the pub! 

 

Mamma hugs on their way. xx

[areyouthere]

Awwww Bubbles… BIG HUG… And MamaP too Hug Hug Hugsssss.

 

I too have experienced what you describe Bubbles… unreal dreams with feelings that linger into the day and Mama P…. I had similar dreams of my children… the dream morphed and changed and finally reached a crescendo when I was visiting my estranged Father.

 

The final dream was of a little girl standing by my bed, a little tow head, just looking at me. She turned to walk away and I reached for her… my hand hit a dresser and I woke up. I finally figured out who that little girl was…. it was me. My inner child. I had been neglecting her.

 

I have never had a dream similar since. I think I just needed to recognize that basically between being neglected when I was a child, then moving into adulthood and having my own children to care for… I just never took care of my "inner child". 

 

I did some beginning work on that. Just recently , as a result of some old family issues/ wounds etc… it has come to light that I may need

to re visit with some more CBT. It is unfortunate. I thought I had moved past it and I think I had… but other's issues have come to light which is what I need help with. Do I deal with it ( them) or not.

 

Life. Sigh. RU

[Petunia]

Hi Bubble,

I understand why you haven't posted for a while, but I'm happy that you are back, I relate to so much of what you write, sorry you are going through a traumatic time at the moment though.

 

(big hug)

 

Your post has reminded me of something which happened shortly after I quit Lexapro too fast, several years ago.  At the time I didn't know anything about protracted withdrawal, had been off about 2 - 3 months and thought I was doing fine.  But suddenly, I started having intense and vivid dreams, the kind that you mentioned, ones in which the emotional trauma would last through half of the day.  The longest one took 9 hours to get over, I can't remember the details of the dream, but I do remember that.

 

I had one of these kinds of dreams about once a week for a period lasting several months, but then it stopped, that was about 3 years ago and I haven't had one of those, with the residual effects since.  But I've gone through stages of having nightmares, but not with those weird lasting effects.  I wonder if this is a common kind of withdrawal effect on dreaming.

 

You have had a very stressful week with the dreams and visiting your family and dealing with memories, but it sounds like you instinctively know what you need, some solitude in order to process everything.

 

I would agree with MammaP about sending your boyfriend to the pub, but from what you have written, he sounds like a nice and understanding person and it must be difficult when you only have limited time to spend together because of the long distance thing.

 

Perhaps there is a way you can include him in your self nurturing activities without it putting any demands on you.  Like maybe invite him to walk with you, but insist that it be a silent walk, or have him give you a back massage or read to you for hours at a time while you just lay and listen..... maybe that's asking too much

 

I'm happy that venting made you feel better.  I hope that the Taurine you ordered helps, if you have been reading my thread, you will know I've had some positive results from it. 

 

Petu.

[bubble]

my dear ladies,as always,thank you so much for sharing your experiences.

 

When I talk to my friends, there is always some distance between us since they luckily don't have this experience of your emotional self being uprooted through anxiety and depression. I always have a feeling that my emotions are on a different scale which leaves me isolated. I can't stop writing about the marvel of sharing with people who have this painful human experience.

 

MammaP, after all these years I still believe therapy can put me together. Now I've moved to what you mention,PTSD and of course that psycoanalitic therapy couldn't be of much help with this,although it did help. I started thinking that I'm also a victim of prolonged domestic violence but I had develop a persona that would totally detach from what was happening at home and even in therapy I would speak from that persona and not as somebody who was from the age of 6 subjected to verbal and physical abuse by a violent father with a drinking habit,always shouting,sometimes beating,etc. Time has come to incorporate that into my persona.

 

RU, Moodyblues just mentioned his experience with recognising his inner child so we spoke about that. I found this concept very useful and realised that scared,neglected and/or abused little person who had no mechanisms to deal with what was happening in place of love and acceptance is always with us. People like us usually end up being very caring towards others, but in a way that perpetuates neglect of our inner child. It's never too late to spend a day taking care of our inner child, showering it with love,focusing on listening for its needs and creating a safe accepting environment where it can voice its needs, ask for what it wants and this time, unlike before, have a caring adult respond. I remember L. Hay writing about that. I think it is very good that you became aware of your inner child.

 

Petu, my boyfriend will love your suggestions but I just feel that after 2 months of being in constant, very close and intense contact I need interaction with other people. i'd like him to go somewhere with his friends,engage with them or go to the pub as mammaP said. he meets with people without me only once a week, doesn't keep in touch with anyone, it's not too much to say that 95 % of his interactions are with me. So am I too blame for feeling crowded? He is unemployed, does a lot of work managing my household but I feel he has to become more independent of me otherwise we are in a very big trouble ;(

 

i've been trying to communicate this to him but the only result has been that that amazingly warm, kind, loving and caring person got replaced by someone bombarding me with quotes about evils of women with borderline personality disorder, getting totally insecure and jealous of my ex partners and insulting me on every level,then staying in bed the whole day refusing to eat,take his effexor and putting all his energy into hurling insults at me through chat and email since I'm at work.

 

When this happened for the first time, I had no choice but to think of ending the relationship. But he had nowhere to go. he is in disability pension but his ex wife took it all.he has no home, no savings, no income. He has only me. And that is very scary.

 

I even advised him to join the forum so now he can follow me even here...I didn't plan to write about this but it came out....

[Proteus]

I was on cipramil and for years had vivid dreams with residual after effects which followed me for hours during the day. I wonder since these two meds are so similar in terms of chemical structure that their effects and side effects are not similar. It is interesting though that it appears that people here are also relating these vivid dreams and after effects to issues of withdrawal. I had these dreams all the time I was on cipramil . At the time I ascribed them to the traumatic times I was going and had gone through rather than saw the connection to the dreams as a result of the drugs.

 

Dear Bubble from my experience I would say that it will take time before these dreams will go away and the fact that you are with someone who is caring could be a way of getting immediate support when the sensations (bad dream after effects or effects) are at its most acute.

 

I suggest you also read ''Your drug may be your problem" by Peter Breggin, it helped me to understand and deal with the problems I was experiencing related to my meds rather than just seeing everything through the lens of my past issues/traumas/abuses.

 

Another book by Breggin which started me to make sense of my troubles and drug related difficulties, is entitled, "Toxic Psychiatry".

 

Good luck to you Bubble and all the best.

 

Love

 

Proteus

[areyouthere]

I would like to clarify something… the dreams I had of my inner child were BEFORE I was taking medication of any type. And after that final dream…the one that revealed to me root of them… it never returned.

 

The dreams that I have had while tapering are different. I have come to recognize that they are just very exaggerated forms of the normal sleep cycle. They do not frighten me even though they could if I let them because they can be wild, but there are times, particularly if in the dream it evoked a strong emotion, particularly sadness… that it can linger and effect my day. Sometimes anger too.

 

RU

[Petunia]

i've been trying to communicate this to him but the only result has been that that amazingly warm, kind, loving and caring person got replaced by someone bombarding me with quotes about evils of women with borderline personality disorder, getting totally insecure and jealous of my ex partners and insulting me on every level,then staying in bed the whole day refusing to eat,take his effexor and putting all his energy into hurling insults at me through chat and email since I'm at work.

 

When this happened for the first time, I had no choice but to think of ending the relationship. But he had nowhere to go. he is in disability pension but his ex wife took it all.he has no home, no savings, no income. He has only me. And that is very scary.

 

I even advised him to join the forum so now he can follow me even here...I didn't plan to write about this but it came out....

 

Oh! Dear Bubble,

I didn't know it was like this, for some reason I had the idea that I your boyfriend was independent, mature, functional and a good support for you, this sounds like completely the opposite.

 

Now I understand your need for some solitude.

 

I'm not making excuses for him, but my first thought was that perhaps he sees that you are growing, changing and healing and is starting to feel insecure and threatened.  Its very difficult for a relationship to survive when one person is growing and improving and the other one isn't interested in progress.

 

You don't need that added stress at work.  Of course, I don't know all the details, but please take care of yourself, if you feel its best for you to end the relationship, then you have to put your own needs first.

 

Petu.

[moodyblues78]

Hi bubble.

 

I have no energy to write right now but I just wanted you to know that I`ve read your posts and I`m thinking of you.

 

Take good care of yourself. 

[areyouthere]

  Of course, I don't know all the details, but please take care of yourself, if you feel its best for you to end the relationship, then you have to put your own needs first.

 

Petu.

 

Hi bubble.

 

I have no energy to write right now but I just wanted you to know that I`ve read your posts and I`m thinking of you.

 

Take good care of yourself. 

Dito Dito Dito and DITO

 

RU

[bubble]

dear friends, I was deeply moved by your posts!

 

I find it so hard to open up and risk being ignored or putting myself at the receiving end of care and support (for fear of not getting it and just repeating my childhood trauma).

 

But here I feel safe, accepted and acknowledged. It's a tremendous growing experience for me.

 

My PC was reset and didn't have my password for the forum so I could only read but not write.

 

Also things have significantly normalised and today at work I even managed to do focused work. Yesterday I was on a business trip which gave me so much needed space. Plus I met an amazing and truly inspiring retired university lady proffesor of 79.

 

Instead of thinking: oh God, this woman is so full of energy, sharp, focused, vital, etc. And I'm a total nervous wreck. I was thinking she probably had a priviliged upbringing (would be very surprised if she didn't) and I am an equally valuable human being because I came to be on equal footing with somebody who had a faciliating environment despite all adversities I went through. I didn't feel inferior! I noticed she noticed my sluggishness and didn't think much of me but I,I,I felt my inner worth and was aware of my strengths and accepting of my weaknesses. Amazing experience!

 

I think the fact that I opened up my infected wound feeling so safe with you , created this space in me in which I was able to feel like that. And the fact that I saw so clearly that you are all heroes here and have no reason to feel in any way inferior to anyone, helped me to extend the same attributes and give equal credit to myself.

 

We get so much when we give.

 

This is instead of thank you

[mattinsmom]

Thank you for popping by my post earlier. I love the connections that we are all making. 

I am off to eat and do scrap-booking but wanted to say hello. I've just had time to read your thread, haven't exactly processed it yet but you understand how that goes. 

Take care

[bubble]

Thank you Amy! I'm honoured that you have visited my thread

 

I'm happy you found something that will make you happy. Don't know much about scrap/booking but it sounds interesting and creative especially when the weather is not nice...

 

big hug

 

bubble

[FreedomGirl]

Hello dear Bubble. Just wanted to say hello, and give you a hug! Haven't been here on this site in a few days...sorting through some sadness. Had a few days where I felt fragile, too. Hope to post more as able. Meanwhile, take good care... and thank you for leaving a note on my other post. I'm getting ready to begin my water titrating soon, I think. You are such a kind, helpful soul. I wish you wellness and peace and every good thing in life. 

Blessings,

FG 

[Narcissus]

 

 

I didn't feel inferior! I noticed she noticed my sluggishness and didn't think much of me but I,I,I felt my inner worth and was aware of my strengths and accepting of my weaknesses. Amazing experience!

 

This is lovely, bubble.  It's so hard not to feel self-conscious over one's "performance" in the world.

 

 

 

I think the fact that I opened up my infected wound feeling so safe with you , created this space in me in which I was able to feel like that. And the fact that I saw so clearly that you are all heroes here and have no reason to feel in any way inferior to anyone, helped me to extend the same attributes and give equal credit to myself

This is lovely too.  It inspires me to try, with part of my mind,, to remain in the space provided by this site while I'm out among people.  It's impressive that you're able to do this.  

 

I hope things continue to go well for you, bubble.

 

[bubble]

Thank you so much dear FreedomGirl and Narcissus,

 

when I first came to this forum 4 months ago the awfullness of my CT withdrawal manifested in closing myself into a tight ball, like a hedgehog in pain. Unlike most people who come saying, I'm in distress, I feel awful, please help me, I was just very closed and aloof.

 

So the measure of my coming out of my protective shell is a measure of my healing. As well as the fact that I'm able to engage with you. Like hedgehogs, when they start feeling safe, we are all slowly drawing out our fragile snouts and opening up. (You Narcissus, shared with us the feeling of falling of love which was along the same lines

 

It was actually Amy's story that encouraged me to open up. Unfortunately, opening up in the outside word too often increases my sense of isolation. I remember telling my colleague whom I considered a friend that my father hanged herself and was very hurt with her obvious discomfort that left me feeling problematic. 

 

I had my nervous breakdown when I was 19, I would tell everyone about it and my experiences. And most people didn't look at me differently. After a while, I felt this ' condition' to be such a defining part of me that I would say my name in introductions and then say I have emotional problems. At one point, I realised that I don't won't to be (self) defined in those trems but now I'm at the other pole where I have 'close' friends who have no idea that I have a long-term condition (although tehy of course see or feel some peculiarities, or I manage to hide them).

 

I just write everywhere how much this forum has begun to mean to me (a bit scary but aware it's important to keep my friendships in the real world. As I said, the experience that you don't find my experiences as a sign of weakness or a cause of discomfort encourages me to share them with my non-virtual friends...

 

hugs,

 

bubble

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Bubble,

 

I don't think anyone here has any judgement about another's experiences, so this is a very safe place to share. Not like some other online forums which can be very brutal. I appreciate you telling your story to us.

[mammaP]

Bubble,

 

I don't think anyone here has any judgement about another's experiences, so this is a very safe place to share. Not like some other online forums which can be very brutal. I appreciate you telling your story to us.

                  /\

                   I           What CW said   I love it here, it is safe and no-one judges anyone else 

[EternalOptimist]

Hi Bubble.

I wouldn't want to write up myxanax story here. Not a pleasant story. Bottom line, with the support of another benzo w/d site

That no longer exists , I got ph #'s of people around the world who helped me thru as I was very ill and couldn't

Stand being on the computer. We all got better. I was on low dose Xanax at night for over 10 1/2 years and before that on and off for 5 yrs. for some of us, w/d was a difficult road to traverse while others did just fine coming off. First time I cam off,I tapered slowly, did ok. Then few years later, went back on and had more difficulty comg off again. For many,this is the case sadly.

 

It's so good u r opening up and sharing. It has helped me immensely. Too, it is safe here. Best of luck to you.

EO

[bubble]

Hi Bubble.

I wouldn't want to write up myxanax story here. Not a pleasant story. Bottom line, with the support of another benzo w/d site

That no longer exists , I got ph #'s of people around the world who helped me thru as I was very ill and couldn't

Stand being on the computer. We all got better. I was on low dose Xanax at night for over 10 1/2 years and before that on and off for 5 yrs. for some of us, w/d was a difficult road to traverse while others did just fine coming off. First time I cam off,I tapered slowly, did ok. Then few years later, went back on and had more difficulty comg off again. For many,this is the case sadly.

 

It's so good u r opening up and sharing. It has helped me immensely. Too, it is safe here. Best of luck to you.

EO

 

Thanks a lot EO. I was taking quite high doses (mostly 1 mg) but sometimes up to 3 So i guess it will take longer but since being here, for the first time in many years and many attempts, I feel I have what it takes to get rid off it. (only now I see that it was most likely making me feel bad more than it 'helped' and caused more anxiety while I blamed everything on my bad 'constitution'... Soooo many things make sense now since I've been reading things written here.

 

I even started to reconsider the onset of my 'state' (interestingly enough, I never thought of it as mental illness: I was very aware I had a very difficult childhood, lived in the situation of domestic violence so I would only admit to having sensitive nature which found all that too much to deal with so I finally broke down at teh age of 19).

 

But after reading things here I began thinking about how it all started. I developed bad tension headaches when I was 16. Doctors said it was my eyesight and gave me glasses. headaches continued and I for 2 years I put up with them. At 18 it got even worse so I went to my GP again, had an EEG which came out modified. Was referred to a neurologist who asked me if I would be able to study. I was 18 and I walked out of the office very shaken but determined that I was not going to lie down in my grave ad wit but live my life to the best of my abilities. I went to see a private and expensive neurologist who prescribed some 'pills'that would make the blood vessels in my brain dilate because as he explained, the fact that they were constricted actually caused all the pain. I picked up the prescription, read what it was written on the paper in the box and was startled to see I was prescribed an AD (amyzol) and Rivotril (which is I think an anti-convulsant but also a psychotropic med).  

 

I went back and challenged the neurologist: how could you have prescribed an AD! I'm not depressed. i have a headache. his reply was that apart from being an AD, this drug had a dilating effect and that's why he prescribed it in such a small dose that even babies get it (his words!!!)

 

After that I took them and a few month after I felt great, the headache disappeared, I felt more even which was a bit strange but pleasant, mz EEG wet back t normal. after some 3 month the doc pronounced me cured and told me I didn't have to take the meds any more. So I stopped CT (the term I learnt many, many years later). I remember my friends mother was horrified to see that a girl her daughter's age was on such meds...

 

Around one month after I stopped taking those miraculous pills, I began to feel strangely sad. I clearly remember being flooded by strange feelings, like some rust was rising from deep inside me. I was getting increasingly upset and sensitive and unhappy about my life situation. One day I was cooking potatoes to make potatoes salad while my parents were away. It was the end of the summer and I was studying for my last exam in the yard in front of the house forgetting about the potatoes. When I finally remembered them, they were totally overcooked, I knew my father would flew into rage and then something flipped in my head. It literally became dark and it scared me like nothing before in my life. But I calmed down and went to get my sister, I told her I wasn't feeling well and she saw it was serious. When my parents came back they were also concerned about me but I went to do my shift in the little story my mom kept that was running poorly and making me depressed. When I came back, I went to bed with splitting headache and stayed in bed for at least a week in pain and feeling like I was going to die.

 

My parents had no idea what to do. One of my moms customers was a psychiatrist with a private practice and she told her about what was happening to me so she told her to bring me over. When she saw me, even the psychiatrist ordered a brain CT scan, my movements were almost discoordinated, I was all wobbly and shaky.

 

The urgent CT scan came negative. the psychiatrist told me she would give me some pills to pull me together so that I can take the last exam. It was Sulpirid. I passed the exam but a month after that black out episode, I woke up one day feeling completely dead inside, devoid of all my feelings, motivation, desire, will. I always felt so strogly about everything and now I was completely dead inside. The headache was gone but I became an automaton mechanically going through the motions of life. I stopped Sulpirid after a month, didn't feel anything. Paid I visit to that neurologist. he said everything was clear his side. If I continued to have symptoms, I should visit a psychiatrist but added I didn't need any i his opinion.

 

It was the beginning of October, the term started, everybody was excited, 19, joyful and I was dead and totally empty. Months were passing. I didn't know what to do. I don't know what I did. Just did what the others did not feeling anything. Then on 15 January during a lecture a half of the picture disappeared before my eyes, half of the page where I was taking my notes, half of people's faces when I looked up. It was totally scary. I waited for the lecture to finish and then called a psychiatrist that the neurologist recommended. She listened carefully, took notes and told me I need therapy (talk therapy). I couldn't afford private sessions so she referred me to a clinic where they talked to me and didn't mention drugs. I knew somehow at the age of 19 that if they try doing drugs I should run away.

 

After 2 months of therapy my feelings came back as a very intense energy that I found hard to control. I asked my therapist to give me some pills because I felt as if I was going to explode. he just looked at me and told me: we will talk. I went to therapy twice a week for 3 years. The therapist that came next didn't have the same effect on me. I went through a nasty break up, started a very demanding job to deal with that break up and ended up very anxious as a result. I asked that new therapist to give me something so that I could function (at the job which was impossible, teaching 6 classes of unruly highschool kids). This therapist gave me Xanax. It didn't help, anxiety was mounting, I resigned. I stopped taking Xanax (it was maybe 0.5 mg). Around a month ago, I was going for a session, coming down the stairs, the fear inside me was growing at the thought I had to face the outside world. Half way down, things went black in my head (again), I felt s if i was going to die and go crazy at the same time, like I was being flooded by thick dark water. I came back to the students'room I shared with my sister and told her to go to the pharmacy and get me Xanax. I didn't panic but she saw it was serious. I lay down in bed and tried to calm down. I was incredibly and horribly scared.I ateyed in bed for a week. I couldn't go out to buy myself food. My sister was angry with me. I had legs and arms, what prevented me from bringing my own food? So friends would bring me something from the students'restaurant. after some 2 week our father took us home. I lay in bed at home. I was summer again. Fear was eating me day and night. My baby brother was 6. Once I told him: Please brig the father. I'm not well. he looked at me with his little serious eyes and said: You must be really unwell if you want me to bring you the father... Both father and mom came and decided there was nothing they could do...

 

 I went to see that private psychiatrist again. She said Xanax was a good drug and I should take more. Nothing helped. I was just marking the days off so that summer would end and my sessions resume. before the break I actually asked my therapist to write a referral for hospital should my condition deteriorate further. Once again he obliged. Some 6 weeks later my aunt came and when she saw me, she told me to come with her. She lives in a small town at the foot of the hill. She told me to go walking with her, through the town and into the woods. I was horrified: I can't leave the room, I feel my brain will explode, the fera is growing, No way I could walk through the town and far away from the house. But she was adamant so I went. The more we walked, I started calming down. Deep in the woods, my fear would abate. I started getting a perspective on things. Why was I going insane over a boy? It was so stupid to bring myself into such a state because of someone. 

 

In September I went back to the students' dormitory to complete some small assignments, I had no more lectures to attend, just take exams. But I still wante dto goto hospital to benefit from intense therapy (more individual sessions, group therapy). So I went. It wasn't what I expected. I realised my time would've been better spent studying fro my exams than playing board games with an elderly gentleman. I met a guy who said Prozac changed his life. It was 1999. Three years after my first black out, I decided it was a time to stop my suffering. My therapist obliged. So I entered the New Millenium on Prozac.

 

I regret it so much. 

 

I had headache. I was put on ADs, I became severely depressed. I was stressed, I was put on Xanax, I had a panic attack. Waling in the woods pulled me together but I went on Prozac. No point thinking how things would've been different. The thing is I never actually felt great on those meds. I was awfully anxious and depressed for many years. Until some 8 years before. So many things have resolve din my life. I felt stronger, my past didn't scare me, I was in control of my life, I enjoyed it. 3 years ago I stopped taking Zoloft and was worse than ever before. My psychiatrist decided something destabilised me badly (she never played mental illness s back..) no matter how hard we tried we couldn't find anything destabilising but I was falling apart. She had that brand new drug, Lexapro, 10 mg. Took me 3 months to start feeling alive again. My life was gradually better again, I again felt robust (but not because of the pill). the same story happened: stopped, worse than ever... I finally come here..

 

 

going down the memory lane...