☼ Mattinsmom: update

[Pugknows]

Amy, hang in there. You will continue to heal more each day. Your son is going to be fine too. Our bodies are miraculous and they find their happy places eventually. Hugs to you. Pug.

[WinningThrough]

Thinking of you Amy x

[mattinsmom]

Thank you all for checking in and offering your support. Today is a little better than yesterday and that is what matters - those baby steps. I know this one is going to be very temporary tho and that kinda bums it out a little. I was able to be out of the house and with people yesterday/last night and that was such a great thing. Today I'm alone. By tomorrow it will bugging me. 

 

I have an appointment with my neurologist on Friday. Family is going so maybe that will help drive the point home that something is wrong. I have been off of Wellbutrin for too long now to say that what I am experiencing is simply withdrawal. I'm sure that whatever the Wellbutrin did in my brain is far from recovered but this just isn't right. The cognition, memory, physical stuff is all happening too fast and is pretty steady. My mood/tolerance of it changes but the trajectory does not budge. There are no windows/waves in that pattern. Here is probably the only place that I can say I hope they find another lesion on my brain because at least then I will have a definitive answer and can deal with the issue instead of wait and watch.  

 

I'm hiding down my basement and pretending that it is not snowing! I am so beyond finished with winter. It simply needs to move along. I am grateful that we have had a slow melt so no flooding but really, ready to be outside in the heat. 

 

I must go and stare at conspiracy theory videos on youtube now. Done with reality for a few. 

 

Sorry if I haven't gotten to your pages. I get little bursts of energy, eyesight, etc and have to juggle what needs to be done. Usually things like laundry win. 

[mattinsmom]

Feeling somewhere between generous and pissy. I always have been good at extremes. I'm good at not wanting to die but entertaining the thought of killing myself. No matter, I am most certainly in a funk. My therapist, who I value greatly, expressed concern for my safety and said the words crisis and medication. I have naturally gone into complete avoidance of her which is probably unfair. She is very supportive, especially when I was coming off Wellbutrin. I think I panicked and now feel weird. 

 

I've also been getting sick from eating. Junk food I understand but my own homemade chicken noodle soup? Tired of running to the bathroom. I should probably pick up probiotics but that requires moving my ass and I'm not in the mood. 

 

I think I need to go sit in the local college greenhouse soon. In the arid room. Sweat out some of this funk. 

[Meimeiquest]

I know you've never heard this before but benzos and Lamictal have been associated with cognitive symptoms. I'm still having them even at my low dose. Just hoping we both can stay out of the Alzheimer's ward!

[mattinsmom]

you know Meime, I know that benzos cause problems with memory and cognition but I honestly don't think I've heard that Lamictal does. I suppose all meds do to some degree, they have to, but I will look more into that information. I'm sure my therapist will **** bricks if I tell her I want off another med right now. 

 

Speaking of, I am supposed to see her tomorrow. I am terrified. I have no real reason to be. She has been more than understanding and protective when it comes to respecting my not wanting meds or a trip to the hospital. I don't think she would slip me but... And I am embarrassed about calling her in the middle of the night and then rebuffing everything she tried the next morning. 

 

I don't know what to do. Cancel or go? Makes me want to throw up just thinking about it. 

[Meimeiquest]

Thinking of all you've done with that therapist...Go. Take a barf bag .

 

I didn't mean you should start another taper, just that your symptoms might not be as serious as if they occurred in an unmedicated person. When you stop an "accelerant" and you're still on two "brakes" things are slowed down. And I'm sure you know that a lot of "hyper" things are really from parts of the brain working too slow. You've ridden out so many things and I have great confidence you can pull it off again! But I don't really know you, so please use your best judgment in what staying safe means to you.

[mattinsmom]

Thinking of all you've done with that therapist...Go. Take a barf bag .

 

I didn't mean you should start another taper, just that your symptoms might not be as serious as if they occurred in an unmedicated person. When you stop an "accelerant" and you're still on two "brakes" things are slowed down. And I'm sure you know that a lot of "hyper" things are really from parts of the brain working too slow. You've ridden out so many things and I have great confidence you can pull it off again! But I don't really know you, so please use your best judgment in what staying safe means to you.

 

I went and no barf bag was necessary. I worked myself up over nothing.

 

I saw my neurologist, had an mri, and have the results. I do NOT have MS (Happy Dance). I still have the lesion but no changes. What I do have is severely blocked sinuses. Fluid build up had shown up on my mri last year but it should have been self correcting. It wasn't. Now I  have maxillary sinus mucoceles (yes, plural). Maxillary are the sinus cavities behind your cheeks. One is 100% blocked and starting to push on bone, the other is 70% blocked, and my nasal passages are almost the same ratios. That explains so much.

 

Me hearing is off because of ear pressure

My balance is off because of ear pressure

My vision may be off because of eye pressure

My frustration level is insane because I can't walk, see, or hear  

 

Oh, and my deviated septum, courtesy of dear 'ole dad, is pretty significant especially with the blockages. So, I need to call an ENT and will more than likely need to have some surgery to remove the snot pockets and fix my nose. I can handle that. 

 

The neurologist said that she feels there is no way I am getting quality sleep regardless of number of hours because of my breathing. We had the whole "sleep is important" conversation. She feels that lack of/poor sleep has more to do with my memory and cognitive changes than anything emotional and that the suggestion of dementia without addressing the sleep was absurd. She also said lorazapam should never be prescribed long-term and at this point it is probably serving only to keep me out of w/d. She said that she will refer me for cognitive therapy if I want but she feels that fixing my nose and coming off benzos will be more cognitively beneficial than any other treatment and I can play brain games in the meantime. As for the benzos, she suggested I do what I did before, taper the lorazapam and let how I feel determine how long I take - not my psychiatrist. I like this woman. We also acknowledged that there is an emotional component to all of it too. I'm not going to pretend that I don't have baggage.  My therapist is completely on board with starting another taper and using my experiences as the gauge. 

 

The neurologist did ask "Aren't you in a lot of pain?" and I had to stop and think about it. I guess I have been feeling some ouches. My face hurts, my teeth hurt, I've had headaches but in the realm of w/d - pain becomes such a part of life that I forgot to notice. Of course now that I have noticed it.......

 

It snowed/sleeted again last night. It was only a little accumulation but I really can't stand it. Today is grey and cold and wet. I am ready for bright and hot and dry. I just poured my last bag of wood pellets into my stove so it better get warm soon!. I have gas heat as a back-up but I really just want warmer weather and they say it is coming. Snow last night and 70* predicted for the weekend. Yup. I live in New England. 

 

Hot flashes and morning anxiety have returned. I'm not really sure why. I am not happy about it. I'm trying to think of things that I am doing differently but not coming up with much. My diet is pretty much the same (some good/some bad), my exercise (lack of) is pretty much the same, my sleeping (lack of) is pretty much the same. I did notice that the manufacturer of my lorazapam changed again last month and is back to the usual this month so maybe it was an additive thing and this will pass. I'll know in a couple of days. 

 

I wish that I had the energy and focus to read other people's pages but I don't have it yet. Still dragging. It will come. 

[Meimeiquest]

That is thrilling news! Given your options. I am so excited for you. Someone else once posted...the science goes to neurology, the voodoo to psychiatry.

[Meimeiquest]

Another thought...have you ever thought about natural progesterone therapy? If you google Mercola progesterone you can get his thoughts on it. In general, there are opinions all over the map. It seems people under stress can divert too much hormonal product towards stress hormones and leave the sex hormones "underfunded." I'm a year and a few months into menopause and did not want to go down that rabbit hole, but it seems it may be necessary for me. I read in one article that progesterone therapy is the safest medication for sleep.

[mammaP]

Hi Amy, I've just caught up with your thread and am so sorry that you lost your puppy, it's losing a member of family and you are allowed to grieve, it is a necessary part of moving on but hurts so much  .

 

I am really glad that they found the sinus blockages, it explains such a lot and I'm sure you will be much much better when they are sorted out. You have done so much and been to so many places, imagine where you will get when it's all fixed, there'll be no stopping you! 

 

Thanks for stopping by my thread, things are improving here and spring has arrived which makes such a difference, I'll tell it to hurry along to your place too, it's about time you had some sunshine! 

[mattinsmom]

I ended up with an insane upper respiratory infection shortly after my last post and it is just now going away. At least I have a voice and can breathe thru my nose. 

 

Meime, I have not looked into supplements and at this point I am confident that my morning hoopla is hormonal. I'm honestly dragging my feet on that out of pure laziness. I don't want to look into things and try things and, and, and. I suppose when it gets bad enough I'll do something about it. I do know that salt and caffeine are wicked with causing hot flashes (for me) and my intake of both increased. I'm working on bringing that back down. I just got myself into a junk food stage there. Time to clean my diet up.

 

mommaP, thank you. You have given me permission to grieve several times now and I always appreciate it. I know it takes a long time, and never totally goes away, but I can get myself caught up in the "should be over it" thinking. 

 

I have an appointment with my eye surgeon on the 5th to have another layer of film removed from my eyes. I plan on showing him the results of my mri so that he can see what impact my sinuses might be having on my eyesight. I see (no pun intended) the ENT the next day to go over my results and see where we go from here. I have a feeling that we will be heading down the surgery path but I am ok with that. 

 

I'm going to try to touch base with some people here, see how things are going. I wish my stamina matched my concern for the members here.

[mattinsmom]

Oh yeah, since I was so sick and sleeping a lot I went ahead and did a bigger taper on my Lorazapam. I went from 2mg. to 1.5mg. I wouldn't necessarily advise on a drop like that but I had nothing to lose. I think I slept thru most of the w/d symptoms - insomnia being the one I usually have. I did have one afternoon of simply being A**hole Amy but considering everything, it was ok. I apologized, sincerely, afterwords. 

 

My sleep seems no better or worse for having done it. I will keep a careful eye on things now that I am feeling better. I'm about 2-weeks out so we will see.

[Rhiannon]

Amy, PLEASE be careful with your lorazepam taper. You can NOT assume that how you feel a week after a cut means that's all there is. Benzo withdrawal has a distinct lag time effect and plays out for weeks and months. And it will knock you for a loop of pain you cannot imagine existing, and I know you can imagine a lot of pain. Please. I worked with benzo withdrawing people for two years, 10-20 hours a week, I am not just talking out of some unmentionable bodily orifice, I know of what I speak. Hold that 1.5 now for two months minimum before you decide to make another cut, and then seriously, come on, get real, do the 10% thing.

 

Everyone wants to think THEY are the exception or they are tough or something. I can't tell you how many times I have seen people do the crazy thing and then when the tsunami of hell crashes down upon their heads, I can do nothing at all to help them. It would break my heart to go through that with you. Please, for me, take this taper slow.  At least 10%. Benzos are...well, trust me, you don't want to know about benzo withdrawal. But if you do, just look around YouTube. 

 

Oh and yes, Lamictal also causes cognitive deficits. All psych drugs do of course, but Lamictal as Meimei says is a "brake" so it interferes with signaling. I agree with Meimei, you might be surprised, if you do a reasonable taper and don't damage your brain any further, how much cognitive function you will get back when you get your drug levels down. It has sure made a humungous difference for me. Definitely worth waiting for.

[mattinsmom]

Oh gosh Rhi, I know. I am far from the exception to any rule  I was practically unconscious there for awhile - sleeping dozens of hours so I thought I'd give it a shot. Plus, the manufacturer changed and the lorazapam was dropping me hard for a month before that. I know which manufacturer to ask for now. At 1st sign of anything out of the norm and I will go right back up.

 

Thanks for looking out for me. I know you don't blow smoke

[mattinsmom]

Well, health is returning and sleep is disappearing. It was a nice attempt but I'm up dosing to previous dose and will hold there for a little while. All good.

[mattinsmom]

Oops. Extra post.

[mattinsmom]

I've been gone for awhile because things aren't well. I've steadily been losing my ****. So much going on with family, money, relationships - all the normal stuff people face that has somehow buried me. I am beyond reason and so random and disorganized. 

 

The sleep didn't improve with returning to my regular dose of lorazapam. It has steadily dropped until it isn't even worth going to bed. I know that most people here know insomnia. Pretty much I take my 2mg, wait 2-hrs, get drowsy (probably from boredom), fitful sleep for about 2 hours, and then panic, dozing, sweating, crying, panic, for 2-3 hours, then anger. I give up at this point and sob in the shower for another 20-minutes and then feel ok. That has been lasting maybe until noon and then the panic sets back in. Of course panic and rage tend to be bedfellows for me. I've been refusing to take my lorazapam prn but things are getting uglier by the second and by the end of the day I am useless. Hell, by the middle of the afternoon I am useless. 

 

I'm back to not wanting to leave the house. This was exceptionally difficult with one son heading to the prom followed by my oldest's college graduation the next day. I've also had to leave the house to meet with my financial planner about my younger one going to college in the fall. At one point I thought I was going to take this poor woman's head clean off her shoulders. I saw it coming, felt that out of control feeling building, started to panic - the whole **** and shebang. I have no idea how I kept it together except we were about finished at that point. I think the financial planner noticed some tension rising and backed down a little too. When we left my partner commented that she thought I was going to lose it. Of course I yelled at her most of the way home.

 

Today I saw my regular eye doctor. Another slight tweak to my prescription is needed and I have more drops to put in. I was not ok during the appointment. I don't even know how to explain it. Luckily I really like this dr and she is very patient with me. I called my regular dr from the parking lot to get an appointment. Between appointments I sobbed and raged and I grabbed 2-days worth of groceries. Let me just say that anyone who was in that store at the time I was should thank God (or whatever they believe in) that they made it out without harm. My teeth still hurt from clenching. 

 

My youngest graduates on the 5th. My mother-in-law was supposed to be coming on Thursday to spend a week but I found out just a bit ago that has changed to unspecified dates. I guess she has some infection that requires her to go to the dr for iv antibiotics every day for 14-days? I have to meet with the financial planner again and maybe a realtor/bank (might sell house?). Oh, and I am driving 2-hours to Boston tomorrow to visit my cousin. I haven't seen her in a few years and she and her husband are up visiting his best-friend from college. I think there are 2 graduation parties I've committed to as well. 

 

I resent that my mother-in-law is coming for a graduation. It is probably petty but she moved to Florida when my boys were little and short of a birthday and Christmas card has had nothing to do with them. We've been this tiny little family out here and now she thinks she's going to pop in and get to celebrate. I don't know, it just bothers me. A lot. I don't want her here even if there wasn't a graduation involved. I don't want anyone here. 

 

I've been so mean lately and that just isn't who I am. My anxiety has the better of me. I went to see my regular doctor today and we talked about my ever increasing anxiety and that I don't want to increase/use the prn lorazapam but my psychiatrist isn't offering much. I've been thinking about trying medication again but didn't want to cop to it here. I don't know if I am ashamed or embarrassed or worried about getting flack but today I decided to try something.  My doc gave me hydroxine. 10mg (prn only), She said if I don't like it don't take it but she thinks it is better than taking prn lorazapam. I took 10mg a few hours ago and it did take the edge off. I don't feel like my world is spinning so quickly at the moment. I still don't know how I feel about the idea. I know that it is along the lines of an antihistamine but I don't feel the knock-out of Benadryl.  

 

She also gave me a script for buspirone, 7.5 mg to start. I asked if it was worth getting thru these next few weeks of heightened stress before starting something that is going to be an every day. She said I can but that it seems like I'm anxious/angry more often than only when there is an increase in stress. And, unusual stress isn't going away anytime soon with all that is going on between now and September. Again, if I don't like it/side effects I don't have to take it. Follow-up in is a month. The pharmacy didn't have it in stock so I am supposed to get it tomorrow. I'm not sure how I feel about it. There is part of me that is so anti-med, get off them all, and there is this other part of me that says my life is not enjoyable, I don't want to live this way. I don't want to be angry all the time, and panicking and not sleeping and, and, and. I've done the magnesium, chamomile, yoga, meditation, medicinal teas, changed my diet, and I still have this base-line of not ok.

 

I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm confused. I'm so not ok with my life. I want out. 

[LoveandLight]

So sorry you feel like this, Amy.

 

I haven't forgotten about your pm just struggling for energy.

 

But I look forward to emailing you soon.

 

Take care. Xx

[Meimeiquest]

Amy, I'm sorry.....we are thinking of selling house for college too, but none of the other troubles.

 

Please forgive me if you have already tried or decided against this, but have you tried taking most of your benzo at bedtime, but a little tad at other times, like something every eight hours? I couldn't tolerate mine being evenly dosed, but without some daytime dosing I would have lost my mind.

 

I know you'll get through this hard time, you've done it many times before!

[mattinsmom]

Thank you both for taking the time to stop by my page. The sun is out and I had a fantastic visit with my cousin on Wednesday. We hung out in an old cemetery where poets Alcott, Emerson, and Thoreau are buried. Their plots are all together. It was on the "writers' ridge section. We had lunch and tea. It was really, really peaceful. I've always liked cemeteries, noone bothers me there. And, often times, they are the best landscaped/park-like places around. Imagine if we did as much for our living as we do for our dead!

 

So today isn't as bad as last week. Last night I took my lorazapam and waited. I am quite certain that the only purpose it solves is to keep w/d at a minimum. Meime, I have tried dosing throughout the day but if I remember correctly (big if) I ended up slightly sedated all day and still not sleeping at night. So last night while waiting for not much I started to panic over whether I'm doing the right thing, yada-yada so I took the hydroxyzine. Between that and a teddy bear I slept a peaceful night. I woke up once for a second to pee (which had until now been my wake-up fully panic time of night) and went back to sleep easily. Maybe meds, maybe not, but I slept. I finally slept. I awoke to my alarm! 

 

Last night I set alarms to go off for when I want to get up. It is titled "you can do this", another one 15-minutes later to remind me to meditate, a third one for my meds, then in the afternoon I have one called "what am I grateful for", another to remind me to feed my cardinal, one to take pm meds, and finally the "It is time to go to bed". I should probably put in an exercise one? Hadn't thought of that. I know I do better with reminders and I am thinking that having a reminder to pause here and there for focus is good. 

 

I still don't know what to do. I have taken the 2 hydroxyzine for panic instead of extra lorazapam and it has worked just fine. I do know that it says all over the label (and my pcp told me) that it will not work to stop w/d symptoms and cannot be used to wean off of other meds. I know not to try to drop the nighttime lorazapam thinking this will make it easier. But for prn maybe it will be ok? 

 

So, I don't know. I don't think that taking something now means I have to take it forever. I try to remind myself of that. I just don't think I have the skills or the stamina just yet to deal with everything that is exploding around me YET

 

And now I have to do work with the financial planner. Deep breath. 

[mattinsmom]

I haven't been here out of shame. I'm embarrassed that I went crying to my doctor. I am embarrassed that I was willing to try 2 separate medications at the same time. I'm ashamed to ask for help when I have not offered so much as a fly-by check in on the people who have been so kind to me. 

 

The hydroxyzine didn't last. All in all I took 4 or 5. The last one I took because my allergies were actually awful and I was so tense about them I thought it would take care of both. it did not. It just made me cranky. It's been about 2-weeks. I haven't taken a prn lorazapam in a long time, I don't think, I think my not wanting to take them is how I got the hydroxyzine.

 

As for the buspirone, I don't think it is helping and I wonder if it is making things worse. I did the 7.5 for a week then went to the 2x day (15mg) but only for a couple of days. I didn't like the side effects. I talked to my dr and she said to try to stick with the 7.5 and see what happens. I'm at the 7.5. I see her on the 30th. I want to stop taking it but I have already committed the stupidest sin of multiple med changes in a very short time. I don't know what to do. 

 

And I am considering trying another med. I haven't called crisis yet because I know that is what they will offer. I don't trust my psychiatrist. I saw him not too long ago and he wasn't happy when I said that I wasn't sure he and I were going to be a good fit and that I'd called my primary when I was in trouble because I didn't trust him. He agreed to continue to prescribe what I was originally on, said to have my primary prescribe the rest, and to let him know what I decide to do re: trying to find a workable relationship with him or looking for another pdoc. 

 

I'm feeling really desperate. I know that I am not ok. I know that it is a sign of trouble that I spend so much time dealing with suicide hotlines/support lines. I don't really want to die but I do at the same time. I think I feel like it isn't an option because everyone at home is so needy and I think that is making me want to all the more. My house is overwhelming, my youngest is overwhelming, my finances are overwhelming,  going to bed, getting up, taking a **** - all overwhelming.

 

My youngest won't stop giving me a hard time about my meds. He truly cannot understand why I won't just stop taking them and use pot. I don't really know why I am so against it, but I am. I don't care that other people use it. I think it is great as a medicinal. I also have watched my son go from self-medication to recreation, to all the time, to using it in a way to get pure thc, and experimenting with other substances (mushrooms but "only once"). He got kicked out of a senior school trip for having pot/paraphernalia - requiring me to drive to/from Hershey PA - straight there and back (13hrs total) so that he could graduate with his classmates only to have the little asshat be stoned out of his mind at graduation. So I'm kinda anti-pot. But I am starting to wonder about trying. 

 

I'm so confused. And I'm at a 51/49 split on hanging in there or just stopping it all. 

 

I'm sorry that I haven't been supportive. I'm sorry that I'm here just because I am freaking. I don't know where else to turn. I do not know who else will understand.

[Meimeiquest]

Hugs, Amy! Sometimes there are no easy answers. It seems your therapist and chiro have been helpful in the past? Maybe check in with them? Please don't worry about how much "support" you are giving...only people who want to read your thread . I don't think any chemical is going to solve this, I think it would be more helpful to work on Ninja-level coping skills. But of course none of us actually "know" you. Personally, I wouldn't worry too much about financing college for a student who can't come to graduation in one piece...seems like it would be a waste, but maybe much could be accomplished with a year of hard work physically and emotionally? I say that as we question whether our daughter is really ready to "fly" although her issues are different.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Amy,

 

There's others here who have had to go back on meds, we don't 'shame' people here for that. Personally, I am of the opinion that if the meds will be effective in dampening your suicidal tendencies then there is no doubt I think you should try them (o heresy!). Just because you know now they aren't the answer, does not mean you cannot use them for temporary help because for that they do do something.

 

It is staying on them long term and not tapering them down that seems to be the problem. It will be up to you to find the right one at the lowest effective dose, which may not be exactly how they are 'prescribed' and for this you will need a doc you can work with.

 

It is always harder when you have to be the one determining the direction of your care but sometimes we have to (and I would have tried to talk you out of the hydroxy, it precipitated wd syndrome in my case so I counsel against it to anyone).

 

We kinda have to be scientists here. In your case (as an adult) pot will undoubtedly have a different effect than the one your son is searching for. Many people have to overcome resistance to it because of its reputation but there is no doubt it hepls some. You just have to decide if you want to see if it can help YOU.

 

I had the stress of wd and mostly nothing else and I had my mom to think about is how I toughed out the suicidal portion of wd. I hope I never have to feel like that again. But it showed me that it is doable without drugs. I am not, however, going to push that on anyone else. We have to do what we have to do to stay alive for the reasons we NEED to stay alive, like family. Your family needs you and so do we, for we are your family too.

 

Be well!

[mattinsmom]

Thanks

 

Meime, my therapist and chiropractor continue to be amazing. I do lean on my therapist ALL the time. I wish I could see my chiropractor more often. The more often I see him, the better things seem to flow. Unfortunately insurance doesn't cover and he is already more than generous in what he charges with me. Also, I tend to lock myself away when things get too big and that doesn't help any. 

 

Funding my youngest's college is a worry but I think this may be his shot. I was seriously abusing chemicals (and everything else) when I was his age and moving away from friends, family, etc made a big difference. I don't think he will stop using but I do think that maybe having something to do, that he cares about, might decrease his use. Or maybe I just need to tell myself that for now. I am going to make him send me his grades on a monthly basis as condition of my taking care of his rent. Luckily, since the loan is essentially coming from his dad and I, we control how often it gets distributed. Its tricky but our financial planner is helping with some of the safety nets. And.....

 

CW, Luckily the hydroxy was short-lived. I really thought it would be like benadryl minus the hang-over. It wasn't. Now I know. As for the other one, I don't think that is doing anything good or bad either. I had so many stressors hit at once and as they slow and move on, seems I'm slowing too. I honestly believe that if I could just have my little life, invite in whatever I want for only as long as I want, and simply go about my way I would be fine. I just learned that my MIL isn't going to be coming to stay with us and my shoulders dropped inches. I love the woman, it isn't anything like that, but just having to move around someone else is too much right now. I knew it was bothering me but wasn't sure why until yesterday. I am too easily overwhelmed right now to have to try to keep it together for someone else. 

 

Not sure why my frustration tolerance is so low. Normally I do really well in the summer but this one isn't fixing me. And maybe that is the problem. I had so much invested in the beliefs that my eye surgery was going to help things (it has made things worse) and that summer would come and bright days would mean bright Amy. Now that everything is here I'm disappointed. 

 

Not as much of me is wanting to die these last couple of days. I still wish life had a pause button. I don't really know which way is up and my cognitive skills are severely lacking right now. That is creating its own subset of bullsh*t. The waves and windows are coming fast with little time to catch my breath in-between. I'm not used to that. I'm talking changes within hours and back again. As strange as it sounds I would almost welcome a steady wave if for no other reason than consistency. My head can't keep up with the flux. I wish I could understand how I am able to think about dying and how much I'm looking forward to Friday at the same time. Seriously, it is like "yup, I wanna die right now and next week I think I'll order the cous cous when I'm out for tea". Not even back and forth - it is one continuous thought. 

 

Thank you both for checking in on me. Thank you for your support. I'll get thru this - I have to. I have family that love me and I know too well what it is like to not have that. I won't do that to my kids. I have chocolate cake in the fridge waiting for me. That will get me through tonight. One step at a time. 

[mattinsmom]

Wishing I had something to offer.

 

Exercised 15 minutes. I can't believe I used to teach yoga. No energy, couldn't do things I used to do with ease. Disappointed. Later I did some yard work. I got maybe 1/15th of what I wanted to do and 1/20th of what I was able to do this time last year. WTF? I mean really. Stress is up/down/up/down, physical activity is exhausting and has been for awhile, and my brain just doesn't do what it did a year ago. I don't know if I am more angry, frustrated, or defeated. 

[mattinsmom]

I have been gone for too long. I am doing very well, life has gotten busy, and I have to say that I am mostly happy. I'm learning and growing and becoming more authentic every day. I didn't always believe it would get better, but it did.

 

 Valentine's day was very hard for me several years ago and the people here truly made it bearable. I want to say thank you. 

 

And Rhi - you are still my Valentine. 

 

Happy day to all. 

[nz11]

Great update thanks for taking the time to post.

[Meimeiquest]

So glad to hear from you! Great job of hanging in there through some very hard times!

[Onmyway]

Because you're feeling better, I added our cheerful "here comes the sun" symbol ☼ to the title of your Intro topic, to show you're recovering.

 

Please continue to let us know how you're doing. I hope you will add your story to our Recovery Success Stories eventually!

 

Please see this topic:  How to write your success story

[Onmyway]

Dear @mattinsmom

I just found your story and added a sun symbol. Would you consider coming to write your success story? These help our members, especially the most desperate ones get through many a tough day on their way of healing. 

 

Here is how to do it: 

 

OMW

Edited February 4, 2023 by Onmyway