☼ Mattinsmom: update

[Meimeiquest]

Dear Amy, So glad you are feeling a tad better.  We are all different, but I never once regretted cutting my Wellbutrin when I was "crazy."  It worked within 48 hrs.  It is very counter-intuitive to normal tapering, but sometimes necessary.  If things are too much, I think it would be better to increase Lamictal than hold/increase Wellbutrin.  That assumes you're like me...which if you're lucky, you aren't

[mattinsmom]

My taper is going ok, some brain zaps and I'm tired but I'm alright.

 

That said, I am completely floored. Obviously my best friend and primary support are having some problems. Today she said to me "I know that I have become completely absorbed (with new boyfriend) but it is a conscious decision I am making about how I'm using my time". Ok - ouch. then she said "I am making decisions that feel good to me and I guess I don't care if other people are being hurt by them". Again, ouch. She has also said that she is surprised by her thinking and behavior, even embarrassed, but oh well she's just selfish? And...we are supposed to go shopping tomorrow morning?????? 

 

I've known this woman for 14-years. This is not her at all. It is a 180* turn. She was one of the kindest people I'd ever known. And now I don't even recognize her.

 

I've tried to work things out. I've tried to communicate. I've tried to be understanding and supportive. I think I'm done. I don't know what else to do. And it really f*** hurts.  

[Rhiannon]

Amy, you didn't ask my opinion, so I'll just give it once (more) and then quit bugging you. You're tapering too fast. You're experiencing withdrawal symptoms already which are probably going to get quite a bit worse before they get better.

 

It's up to you, of course, but in my experience, people with a history like yours who taper as fast as you're tapering generally end up sick for a long time, and usually end up back on meds, often more than they were on to begin with and with worse outcomes.

 

I've never seen someone who's been on meds since their youth be successful with a rapid taper.  Not once.

 

Amy, I've found that when I feel the most urgency to cut my meds faster, that's usually the opposite of what I really need to be doing. So much so, that I now consider that sort of "cut more, faster, now!" feeling to be another withdrawal symptom, a cue that I need to slow down and hold. Since you're experiencing some fairly intense symptoms of withdrawal already (by your description) this may be happening to you too.

 

Given your history, I am concerned that you may be sabotaging your chances of success. Please give this some thought. You've been on these meds for a long time. Tapering cautiously at a rate your body and CNS can handle is not only possible, it's also the path most likely to give you your mind and stability back.  It's a slow road but it is SO worth it.

[mattinsmom]

Rhi

I appreciate your opinion and was actually looking for a way to connect with you earlier. I realize that this last cut was too fast. My chiropractor got a lot moving today too and I need to let that adjust for now. What I'm not sure of is how to up dose.

 

I was having pretty significant issues physically that I attribute to the wellbutrin winding things up? The physical stuff stopped w the decrease. The emotional stuff skyrocketed. Only thing is that the emotional stuff has always skyrocketed especially with this particular relationship. What's real and what's meds? I know there probably isn't an answer for that.

 

My lorazepam has essentially stopped working for what it was prescribed for. Insomnia is here! Lorazapam is also prn for anxiety and it does take the edge off. I feel "normal" when I take it. Maybe thats why I cant sleep. I take it at bedtime and finally feel normal. I most definitely know if I'm late on the dose tho and I don't want to take any more of it either.

 

I'm also trying to deal with the ppi. I spent 4-years getting iron treatments via portacath (iv directly to heart like chemo) the ppi limits the body's ability to absorb iron and a bunch if other stuff and my body has a hard time making/storing blood cells.

I don't want back on infusions and think the tired is connected to iron too. That, and I can't eat. I was off the ppi for awhile and then meds and emotion got the better of me.

 

I'm a flip pin' mess. I feel like I've traded one set of crappy med things for another and my head is spinning.

 

I did get my pdoc to call in more meds and I picked them up tonight so I have medication here at least.

 

I am open to any suggestions!!!

 

Thanks for keeping your eye on me.

[Sweetcreature]

Amy is there any way you could limit contact with your best friend for now?  I imagine some of what you are experiencing with your emotions IS real and some is neuro emotions...she is obviously such an important part of your life but for what ever reason is unable to give you what you need and deserve right now... sometimes people let us down...and that is something I too have struggled with with friends and family.  

 

I am happy to report that with family it all worked itself out years ago but i too was similarly close to my sister in the way you are with your friend and the more I asked her for the more she let me down....she really really let me down!!  But, you know what, none of that matters now...it all slipped into the past and it will for your and your friend too, in time.  

 

BUT you do need to keep yourself sane and safe and supported....especially now...just because we are all struggling with W/D doesnt mean we have lost the right to or ability to set boundaries for ourselves, indeed it is when it is perhaps most important as we are VULNERABLE!!!  Would you consider giving her a wide birth for now (meaning just drop off the face of the planet and only respond to her when she contacts you)  You WILL go on to resume your friendship in time if it is strong enough....does she understand anything about withdrawal??

 

Your health must come first...

 

I hope you are ok

SC

[Altostrata]

Why are you taking the PPI, again?

[mattinsmom]

Amy is there any way you could limit contact with your best friend for now?  I imagine some of what you are experiencing with your emotions IS real and some is neuro emotions...she is obviously such an important part of your life but for what ever reason is unable to give you what you need and deserve right now... sometimes people let us down...and that is something I too have struggled with with friends and family.  

 

I am happy to report that with family it all worked itself out years ago but i too was similarly close to my sister in the way you are with your friend and the more I asked her for the more she let me down....she really really let me down!!  But, you know what, none of that matters now...it all slipped into the past and it will for your and your friend too, in time.  

 

BUT you do need to keep yourself sane and safe and supported....especially now...just because we are all struggling with W/D doesnt mean we have lost the right to or ability to set boundaries for ourselves, indeed it is when it is perhaps most important as we are VULNERABLE!!!  Would you consider giving her a wide birth for now (meaning just drop off the face of the planet and only respond to her when she contacts you)  You WILL go on to resume your friendship in time if it is strong enough....does she understand anything about withdrawal??

 

Your health must come first...

 

I hope you are ok

SC

SC

Thank you, especially, for pointing out that it is most important now because I'm so vulnerable.My friend is a 5th-year doctoral student (psychologist) and knows some things about meds. Mostly she knows they are really bad, usually unnecessary, over-prescribed, and are made to keep people sick ($) not make them well. She knows about headaches, flue-like symptoms, insomnia, things like that. She has seen me go on medications and have side effects and she saw me toxic on Lithium. Does she have knowledge of w/d - yes, but barely. 

 

 

Last night I wrote about whats been going on from my perspective and what my needs are.  It wasn't mean or vindictive. I stated what I've heard her say vs what I see her do.This morning we read it together and I told her how her choices are effecting the entire family. I told her what I needed from her in order to continue our friendship and that if she can't/won't honor that then I would take a break and walk away for awhile. She didn't realize how much we (the entire family) has been hurt by her actions. I think what really hit home was when I told her what the boys said they think and feel about what she's been doing. She also really saw me, eye to eye. Not on-line, not on the phone, not through text, but in person. She saw my tears, the bags under my eyes from my sleepless nights, my shakes, and my 98lb battered body (weight dropped again, grrr). She saw what had happened to me when my best friend and supposedly strongest support was too busy to stop by or answer her phone. She witnessed the pure rawness of emotion that comes with w/d and was shocked. At one point she just sat quietly and looked at me not knowing what to do with what she saw. I don't think people can imagine w/d (particularly emotions) until they see it and I don't think people can understand it unless they've been there.

 

We talked for a long time. I asked her to please try to explain why such a sudden and drastic change, what she meant when she said "I'm doing what I want, what feels good for me and the moment, and not worrying about if other people are hurt by my decisions, gotta do whats right for me". She hadn't realized how it sounded until I'd said it back. Apparently her therapist told her that she lets other people influence her decisions too much. Her therapist told her to "stop worrying about what other people think and feel and just do what you want to do. Do whatever feels good to you. Other people don't need to be a part of your decisions". So that's what she's been doing. She's been trying to do only what feels good to her without consideration of others or the ramifications of her decisions. She only sees her therapist every other week and we had a snow storm in there and an insurance issue. It has been a month since they've met. My friend said that while she was enjoying a lot of what she was doing, and that she was having fun, she wasn't liking how she was feeling about herself. She said she felt like she was being selfish and that people she loves were being hurt by it. She thought the discomfort and guilt she was feeling was proof that her therapist was right and that she places everyone else before herself. So she kept doing what the doctor ordered and stuffed her feelings. The things we believe and do because "Doctors" tell us to.

 

We had a very productive conversation and I was an emotional roller coaster thru the whole entire thing - and I let it happen. I felt whatever I was feeling. I sat with it, I let it express itself, I didn't judge it as good/bad. I just let it happen. In the course of this monumental accomplishment of mine (I am proud of myself for not stuffing/minimizing/pretending) we were able to come up with a balance that met both of our needs, and the needs of the family. Its been talked, we will see if actions happen. There is a very large part of me that doesn't trust it and thinks this will be a what she said vs what she does. I hope I am wrong. If it (we get dropped) happens again the entire family walks. She know that now too. Her behavior has hurt my kids, momma bear is out now and boundaries are firmly set. There is a part of me that feels bad for her for doing what she thought she was supposed to do in order to get better. I feel bad that the month of "supposed to" did damage so many of her relationships. I sure understand that part.

At least it makes sense now. Nothing she was doing made sense before.

 

We will also have a little space apart. She will be in Maine until Monday and has plans for Monday night and Tuesday day. She will be here Christmas eve for dinner and then she and I wrap gifts. She'll be back Christmas morning and stay thru the big meal and then she will leave (always does). She is leaving the day after Christmas to go to Albuquerque with her mom (g'ma in hospice and not well) and won't be back until New Year's day and already has plans for that day. Its not a huge break but it is a break for us. Aside from Christmas we wont see each other, in person, until January 2-3ish. 

 

I suppose that was way longer than need be but I'll be able to look back and see what was going on if I need to. And SC, I do appreciate you sharing that you also struggled with close relationships and that it does work itself out eventually. 

[mattinsmom]

Why are you taking the PPI, again?

 

meds and iron treatment meds have caused so much deterioration in my throat that we are being careful to avoid Barretts esophagus. Of course I've never learned to deal with emotions of any kind so at the slightest hint of a feeling my stomach starts pumping out acid :/

 

I was off of them for awhile but then started having trouble again after dr ordered rapid med and dose changes. I'm only on them until I'm far enough in my dc that I feel comfortable starting a wean. He gave me the taper schedule, its 7-months. I can start it once I've gone a week with no symptoms but at the first symptom I am to go right back up. I think it will be awhile before I make it a week with no symptoms. He suggested waiting until I was well into psych med tapering and understood how w/d effecting my body before starting to taper it.  

 

I'm pretty good about following the gerd diet with the exceptions being that I do eat before bed, always have. It is often the only food that stays in and missing it is a guarantee of a 1-2 pound drop by morning. I know, weird. I also can't sleep sitting up but I prop myself.

[mattinsmom]

This morning I went back to my last pre-cut dose of wellbutrin. As the day progressed some of the emotions have settled and I was able to eat. However, my heart is starting to race and my insides are starting to vibrate. I'm getting edgy. I don't know what's worse, the crazy emotions or the physical symptoms.

 

Biggest problem, I have now been awake for 34 hours and don't feel the slightest bit sleepy. I took my normal dose of lorazepam at my normal time (10:30) and it slowed the racing of my heart bit not anything else and it's not helping me sleep.

 

I'm confused.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Hi Amy,

 

The common wisdom here is that if sleep is elusive then we shoot for rest. Lying quietly in bed, room as dark as possible, with the computer off or maybe a relaxing video from yootoob sometimes works. Even if sleep doesn't come, the body can rest. I find that if I have more activity during the day (like walking) then I 'rest' better at night. I cannot lie down during the day at all but I try to avoid sitting for long periods. I hope by the time you read this things are better. I drink mag citrate powder dissolved in water when I awake at night and it keeps the vibration and heart palpitations away.

 

It will slowly clear up but you have to help things as much as you can. I think you'll find that trying to cut the wellbutrin more than 10% is not a good idea and it will take time for you to stabilize. Keep your doses steady and wait for your body to settle. It will, I know it. Lots of people here have better results going slower.

 

Sending good thoughts your way!

[mattinsmom]

I did keep active today, well, I was more active than I have been for awhile but did the best that I could. Some things took longer than anticipated. My family made Christmas cookies tonight and it took a really long time. I have cookies tho and with my weight loss - cookies are a good thing. It a guaranteed 5lbs every year. I'll just work on keeping it on this year. I did some minor exercise with weights, squats but nothing like I had been. My body has gotten very weak over the past few months. But something is better than nothing. 

 

I wanted to be in bed hours ago but life happened. Caught my youngest smoking pot again. I understand he is 16 and "everyone does it" but not everyone does it, he's still my son, and it is still illegal in our state. It is extra hard to deal with because his grades improve when he uses. Not saying that one causes the other directly. I wonder if the pot takes an edge off for him and if that makes it easier to learn. I'll take pot over things like Ritalin or anxiety meds. IMHO pot is safer but he is still a minor and it is still illegal. Personally I don't like mood/mind altering substances, I am trying to rid my body of those so its hard to know he's putting them in. He is such an amazing kid, popular, smart, and I think sometimes being "top dog" is too much for him. 

 

Meantime, it is late and I am wound up thinking too much. I'm hoping that writing it down will allow me to let my brain forget it. I'll know it is here if I feel I need it later.  Just finished cleaning up from cookie baking. I'm just checking in and then heading for bed. My sheets are heating. As cy pointed out, rest is still rest and that is a good thing. I'm feeling kinda sleepy tho so I think sleep will happen soon. I think I am going to use reiki to help sleep tonight too. No rush to wake tomorrow. Next med dose is at 10:30am

 

Emotions were less severe today, more stable, but feel like they are just being pushed down. I feel like they are there but I'm not caring, I'm poo-pooing them. It is a nice break from the hysterics of the other day but raises concern, something for me to be aware of. I did have the physical symptoms of heart palpitations, vibrating, distraction, headache but eating helped. Resting when my heart would race helped too. I felt a little lazy but reminded myself that 7hrs sleep, tho wonderful, occurred after 38 hours awake and I still need to catch up. Food helped too. If I'm not asleep in an hour I'll pull out the magnesium. 

 

It is nice to have a place to put this thinking, feeling, experiencing. This log, and the fact that it is interactive, is simply brilliant. 

 

Question, people have talked about charting symptoms. I do write here and in journals but is there a form/pattern of keeping track that is more direct. I think mommP has mentioned a scale rating system?

 

My biggest goal for tomorrow is to go out to a flash mob. I know, being submersed in with lots of people is a huge step for me (HUGE) but I happen to live in the real Whoville, the actual area that Seuss based his story on. There is a gathering in town for caroling and hot cocoa tomorrow and I want to go. I can do it. I mean, how can I live in Whoville and not celebrate? I can do this!!!. There are 480 confirmed attendees so far     I know all the back roads out and where to park for easy exit. Plus I live only a mile out of town. I can walk if I need to go. But I won't need to run. I will go! I will have hot chocolate! I will laugh and allow fun!  I will sing off-key! I WILL do this!!! and I welcome positive thought. The event starts at 6pm est. 

 

Wishing all well and thanking all for the site, the commitment, and the support.

[Sweetcreature]

We talked for a long time. I asked her to please try to explain why such a sudden and drastic change, what she meant when she said "I'm doing what I want, what feels good for me and the moment, and not worrying about if other people are hurt by my decisions, gotta do whats right for me". She hadn't realized how it sounded until I'd said it back. Apparently her therapist told her that she lets other people influence her decisions too much. Her therapist told her to "stop worrying about what other people think and feel and just do what you want to do. Do whatever feels good to you. Other people don't need to be a part of your decisions". So that's what she's been doing. She's been trying to do only what feels good to her without consideration of others or the ramifications of her decisions. She only sees her therapist every other week and we had a snow storm in there and an insurance issue. It has been a month since they've met. My friend said that while she was enjoying a lot of what she was doing, and that she was having fun, she wasn't liking how she was feeling about herself. She said she felt like she was being selfish and that people she loves were being hurt by it. She thought the discomfort and guilt she was feeling was proof that her therapist was right and that she places everyone else before herself. So she kept doing what the doctor ordered and stuffed her feelings. The things we believe and do because "Doctors" tell us to.

 

That sounds good...I'm glad you have put some boundaries in place and that she is now more aware of your suffering, what she does about that though is ultimately up to her. I wonder if the people who love and care about us also need a BREAK from it all?? One thing to consider maybe...??

 

Get the cookies down you!!  You need to put on some weight!  I too lost loads of weight but not as drastic as that...and thinking of going to a flash mob!!  Amy, that's great!!  I hope you go, I really do!

 

Re your son:  Hmmm is there any way youcould make a deal with him that he NEVER EVER escalates his use or experimentation to include other, 'Hard' drugs??.  I agree, ANY mind altering substance is something to stay away from but the harder stuff seems to be worse and so too, we all know is the legal stuff given to us by our caring doctors....I say that because I was brought up in a family that was very anti drugs and I was a very well behaved all rounder type of kid...white middle class etc...many of my friends experimented with pot, e, and then later coke.  aside from the pot (which i tried once or twice) I took a SERIOUSLY anti drugs stance...even in my 20's living in London as a young professional I was SOOOOOO against it and still am.

 

However, what was the difference really between that and the stuff that has led me to where I am now????  I (Foolishly) went to the Doc at the age of 24 because I was fed up and lacked self esteem and didn't know what direction to take in my life and had heard about these pills that were no habit forming and would make me feel better.....they were PRESCRIBED after all so must be okay right???

 

Look where my life is now and compare it (don't like to compare but for the sake of this scenario) to that of my many friends who 'dabbled' with coke and speed etc etc....they are married having babies (the stuff I dream of - I am 36) and making a valuable contribution to society and haven't given drugs a second thought.....I wonder if my rigid thinking and tendency to accept what the doc said without question has contributed to where I am now!!!

 

I have a lot of anger and resentment that I need to work out - I shouldn't even be suffering like this..FFS!!.......BUT who said life was fair I guess??

 

I'm rambling, but it sounds like you have really good relationships with your kids and are very honest with them, maybe get their agreement that they will steer clear of the other stuff and definitely steer clear from any doctor....

 

hope I'm not being too personal and really glad you are a little better

 

SC

[mattinsmom]

I need a cheer leading team

 

Freaking happening here. 3 hours post morning meds I'm having issues with anxiety, heart racing, shakes, too many thoughts (and not such good ones), vibrating... you all know the routine. I'm frying. Now I am having the pleasant (NOT) experience of starting to panic because I have to get groceries. Not my favorite thing to do but really?!?!? Panic over making the list!!!! I'm not even at the store yet.

 

I know this will pass. I've walked away from the list, am sitting with a cup of Natural Calm (magnesium), and trying to catch my breath. In my head I am still hearing those "you can't do this, its too much, fml, why bother".

 

It will pass. It will pass. It will pass. Can I get a booh yah in the meantime? 

[Meimeiquest]

You're gonna make it. This didn't probably have a thing to do with the groceries. It just happened. I did it myself today, thought I was long past that. We both just need to work on not drawing any unwarranted conclusions. And our family is having Christmas dinner at an upscale Chinese restaurant. If you hang on, I will

[Altostrata]

Taking a bit of a walk and some fresh air might help.

[mattinsmom]

You're gonna make it. This didn't probably have a thing to do with the groceries. It just happened. I did it myself today, thought I was long past that. We both just need to work on not drawing any unwarranted conclusions. And our family is having Christmas dinner at an upscale Chinese restaurant. If you hang on, I will

I did it!!!!!  The anxiety would have been easier to contain if it weren't for groceries. Shopping really messes with me. I'm just this side of agoraphobic. It came on slowly over the years. I've always been a homebody but this is different. I say it is an absolute medication thing. It crept in so slowly and so steadily even my family and friends missed it until it was severe. This past summer/fall I realized that I actively avoided  leaving my house and had severely limited my contact with other people. Hind-sight.

 

It was packed full of people. A woman struck up a conversation with me about wallpaper (I was getting scotch tape) and I decided to just go with it and enjoy having another person talk with me. I smiled when carts bumped even tho my insides cringed. I had to pause and "look for something on a shelf" a few times so as not to cry but managed. I held it together for over an hour. By the time I was near the end I needed to go. 5-more minutes would have done me in but someone was looking out for me and put me in a line that was empty. My son's friend was the cashier right behind me so it was ok for me to have my back turned and not worry. Total divine intervention. I am oh so grateful.  AND I still made it thru the store!!!

 

I shook on my way home (driving in dark/raining).

I shook while I put my groceries away.

I'm still shaking but that will settle after dinner. Cooking does me in too. Maybe it is just a food thing.

But I'm home and after dinner not required to do anything for the rest of the night.

 

You and Christmas dinner - you can do it! I have every faith in you. Whenever you see a chicken wing just remember that there is someone "out there", nicknamed Chicken Little, who is rooting for you.  

 

Taking a bit of a walk and some fresh air might help.

A walk and fresh air would have been wonderful. Momma Nature was only offering cold, dark, and rainy tho. I had tried squats and push-ups but they sorta miffed me so I stopped. If its dryer tomorrow I might head out just to breathe. If its wet I might head out anyway. 

[Meimeiquest]

And I made it through the workday and am home now with Advil on board which is helping. We always have to hang on, it literally could be better in 5 minutes.

[Sweetcreature]

Well done for getting through and even enjoying the exchange with another human being amy.

 

Glad you got through work meimei

[areyouthere]

Good job to both of you!!! WOOT!!!

[mattinsmom]

In bed. In the dark. 2-hours have passes. I'm as calm and relaxed as can be and grateful for that but wondering whee sleep is?

 

If I take lorazepam for the purpose of insomnia yet lay here awake does it suggest that the lorazepam has petered and is serving no purpose?

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Hi MM,

 

I hope sleep finally came for you, I know how hard it is to wish for sleep and not have it come. I have been managing sleep as best I can by by eating a little something, usually some bread, butter and jam, and drinking warm milk before bed. And I drink some of my mag citrate, maybe about 200 mg. I try to wait till about 10 or 11p. If I am on the computer (which seems to be my only distraction right now) I put it as dim as I can or sometimes just turn it off. If the tv is on, it is on a boring hgtv show with the sound down really low. I turn all the lights off too.

 

If I am not already sitting in bed, I go there at the first sign of yawning and lie down and turn everything off. I relax as best I can and sleep does come most of the time. The most important thing for me is that I keep myself from being anxious about it. Some nights I just lie there for awhile, which is ok. At least I am in a resting position.

 

If I wake in the night because I am hot, I throw off the covers to cool off and this often allows me to fall asleep again. I keep my clock turned away so I don't know the time and figure if it is still dark it is 'rest' time. If I do look, and find it is 3 or 4 am, I will repeat the snack and warm milk and that will often get me another couple of hours.

 

I used to have to take klonopin every night to sleep when I was on the meds so I consider myself very lucky to be getting the sleep I do. I didn't have any trouble till this wave started in Nov. and I don't think I will ever take sleep for granted again. I do hope things work out for you, I know how much you must be struggling. Sending you healing thoughts!

[mammaP]

I get nights like that too, last night was one of them! I just lie there like CW does

and reckon that my body needs to be laid down to relax properly.  It can go on for days

sometimes but eventually it passes and I can get a couple of hours good sleep. I also 

think the best thing is not to stress about it or 'try' to go to sleep, it comes when it's ready 

for me, and trying to tempt it in just makes it run farther away! If my mind is whirling I try and 

remember nice times and experiences and re-run them, feel the feelings and emotions. 

Any bad ones are chased away with a broom!!! 

You did really well yesterday with the shopping, Huge pat on the back for that! 

I hope you get some peaceful sleep tonight. 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Hi Amy,

 

Thinking of you and hope you are doing well. Please let us know!

[mattinsmom]

Hello cymb and Merry Christmas. If you don't celebrate Christmas then I wish you a happy and joyous day.

 

Today has been ok. Kids were excited, everyone said the food was good, everything fell into place. Now folks have left or are soon headed that way. I'll be home without kids for the first time. Bittersweet.

 

Sleep is still an issue. I'm simply not tired. I've always had trouble with sleep, it wasn't safe for the first 20-years of my life. Adding to it, I had a hysterectomy 18 mo ago and since then sleep typically comes in 3-hour stints. Sometimes I can go back to sleep right away, sometimes not. The 3-hour things seems common among surgical menopause.  

 

I'm still having trouble with the my meds. About 3hrs after taking it I get anxious/angry and purposefully shut down because I don't want to yell at people. Its less than 5 minutes from ok to not ok. This lasts about an hour and then things steadily speed up. My insides vibrate, then my heart pounds, then my physical body gets twitchy. The whole time I'm anxious. That lasts a couple hours and then the thoughts come. After that it reverses. Its seriously like I'm on speed. Things are usually ok again by 7-8ish. I take pm meds at 10:30 and by 11:00 I feel normal, calm, reasonable, and I can eat. Not eating is the most worrisome. I am stuck at 98lbs and that is a good 20lbs underweight.  

 

Today my friend was here early. She got to see the before am meds and then post meds. Said "Amy, I just watched it happen. I just watched you go from ok to done in less then a minute. I could see it happen". She's heard me talk about it but today she saw. People don't grasp it until they see it. It made her uncomfortable. She kept saying, "I watched it happen, I could see you change, everything just changed". I was thinking "Welcome to my life" and "Thank you God, someone finally got to see what I'm talking about!"

 

We played Yatzee. I told her I was enjoying the game even tho I wasn't acting like it. I wanted to jump up and yell "Yatzee" when I rolled it but then it seemed like too much of a bother. I was enjoying the game but noone would have known it to look at me. She said she knew I was enjoying it because I didn't walk away. That sucks - the only way she knows I'm enjoying something is if I don't walk away. Then the hour passed and up and up I went. I was near the high end when she left. I'm totally at the crappy thoughts part and on my way to irritable. Can't wait until 7.

 

And I remind myself that it was overall a good day. I have physical stuff but I'm ok.        

[Altostrata]

Do you take all your drugs at the same time? Even lorazepam?

 

Why are you taking Prilosec?

[mattinsmom]

In the morning I take 150 lamictal, 225 wellbutrin, 20 Prilosec

 

4pm 20 Prilosec.

 

Pm 200 lamictal, 2 lorazepam

 

I take the Prilosec because of damage to my stomach and esophagus from meds. Gerd is a positive. Barrett's syndrome is what we're trying to avoid.. It's a harm v benefit and sometimes it's iffy.

 

Sorry this is choppy. I'm using a phone.

[Altostrata]

Appetite suppression is a well-known side effect of Wellbutrin, as is "speediness" in general.

 

I think maybe Wellbutrin never agreed with you. Do you feel up to another small reduction?

[mattinsmom]

HI alto

 

I don't even know how to process that idea. I am in the middle of a major emotional upheaval. The feelings are on a scale somewhere between divorce and never seeing a friend again. This is a new situation for both of us and I'm taking the brunt of it. I desperately want a decrease but don't know which set of symptoms I'd rather deal with. 

 

Earlier in Dec I dropped from 225 to 187.5. I know now that was too a big drop too quickly. After that drop I did put on weight and I think I was sleeping a bit better but I was extremely (and then some) emotional with full on, curled in a fetal position, sobbing on the floor. That said, there was one other time years ago that I had a similar emotional reaction to this friend moving across the country. It got bad enough that ended up in a hospital for medical symptoms that time (I was already on psych meds). Going back up to the 225 has curbed the extreme end of that heartache/reaction but it is still present and large. Things also settled between us this past week + so I've been less triggered. (w/d v life). I just got off the phone with her and am ready to curl up and cry again. If I was home alone I am certain that is what would be happening. So are the big emotions neuro or just life? I'm only recently learning to experience grief and I've got 40+ years of it to get through. Maybe crying it out would be a good thing.

 

And, my partner's job changed. As of January 1st new schedule, new responsibilities that will, at some point, include a lot of travel, new budget to figure out, etc...

 

And my youngest is smoking pot and I would prefer he didn't.

 

And I just learned that the the sores I got in my mouth and on my tongue back in July with a Lamictal increase might not have been canker sores. They happened to go away when I went back to previous dose but I thought weird coincidence. So now is the area of itchy elbow skin that started at the same time, and now includes my eyelid, just dry skin from the weather (cold/blustry) or is it something else? And is the tightness in my throat that sent me back to the gastro doc really a return of gerd or is it something else?  

 

And this is how my life always is. There is never a good time to make any changes because everything is always in a state of flux.

 

I don't know that I can make a smaller cut. I reached the 187.5 by quartering a pill (SR). The cuts were sloppy and often crumbled. I see my pdoc on Jan 6 and can ask for the 100mg tabs (I think they come in that) and he may/may not prescribe them. He wants me on meds. He wants to increase/add to my meds. He does not approve of my wanting to stop/decrease meds and would only suggest reducing by 50%, waiting 2-ish weeks, and then dropping the other. He's not cooperative but I go to a clinic and the wait for a switch is forever unless I check into a hospital in crisis. The drug rep luncheon is a monthly event at the clinic.

 

I feel stuck in a damned no matter what situation. I've read some of the suggestions for switching to instant release and spreading things out but fear I really won't sleep. I've also read and re-read (meime and/or mommaP) suggestions for breaking things down but I cannot wrap my head around the math and timing of it all.  

 

Sorry, I guess that was a long answer to a very simple question. I'm really hurt and really frustrated at the moment. I guess the answer is I don't know. 

[Meimeiquest]

Oh, Amy, I'm sorry. You really need to take the Lamictal thing seriously. With a dr. who can recognize a problem, but also recognize a non-problem. Maybe a seasoned dermatologist? That is thing one, IMHO. Thing two, which depends on thing one being resolved, is to sort out the Wellbutrin. If you can figure out the dose you need and get IR pills and some syringes, we can easily write you a recipe. It dissolves in water, so that makes it easy. You could always go to a walk-in clinic, tell them you've had a philosophical fallout with your pdoc, and could they write scripts till you get a new one, as it is much safer than you doing a CT. The reason I know this might work is I did it with my pdoc of only 3 months. Pulling for you!

[mattinsmom]

Oh, Amy, I'm sorry. You really need to take the Lamictal thing seriously. With a dr. who can recognize a problem, but also recognize a non-problem. Maybe a seasoned dermatologist? That is thing one, IMHO. Thing two, which depends on thing one being resolved, is to sort out the Wellbutrin. If you can figure out the dose you need and get IR pills and some syringes, we can easily write you a recipe. It dissolves in water, so that makes it easy. You could always go to a walk-in clinic, tell them you've had a philosophical fallout with your pdoc, and could they write scripts till you get a new one, as it is much safer than you doing a CT. The reason I know this might work is I did it with my pdoc of only 3 months. Pulling for you!

I won't do a CT. I want to. I really, really, really want to, but I have read too much on this site for that to be an option. I also really, really, really want to go way up on meds and just not care anymore. I've read too much on this site for that to be an option and won't do that either. And, to be completely honest, I would feel like I was letting some of you down. You've rooted for me so much. 

 

In my area the walk in clinics are all connected to hospital emergency rooms. They treat quick and refer out. If they hospitalize you it is still a referral out to a clinic as soon as possible. I can ask my primary. I've gone back and forth on it. She's told me that she is supportive but doesn't understand psych meds and only knows what the "box" says. But, she is someone I can talk to. 

 

Since the sores went away as soon as I decreased the lamictal I was thinking I can leave that on the sidelines and just scratch. pdoc had me up the Lamictal 100mg and I came down that 100mg in a matter of weeks. I think I am *safe* and just complaining. I can ask my gp to take a look and see about a referral tho.  

 

Funny thing is that with as much as I distrust my pdoc I am in some ways afraid to move on to someone else. I can't say that he's caused no harm, his course of prescribing has, on multiple occasions, but this is the guy that started the whole mess in the first place. Well, the steady use of meds part. I've seen him for what feels like forever and usually if I argue enough he'll give me what I ask for. That is scary too I suppose.

 

Curious...about the syringes...this is for measuring and not injecting purposes, right?

[Meimeiquest]

Oh, who knows what we might do with syringes, make sure they have 2" needles. Just kidding! Pipettes are fine too, just something for accurate measuring.

 

The pdoc thing is a dilemma. I still rethink often the decision to leave mine. And he would do pretty much what I asked. Because our core issue was PASSIVITY.

 

Really, we just want to support you. I think the Lamictal rash can be dose-dependent. What little I know is from psycheducation.org.

[mattinsmom]

"Oh, who knows what we might do with syringes, make sure they have 2" needles"

I was pretty sure it was for measuring but you guys are awfully creative and inventive sometimes 

[laineyk]

Hi Amy, wanted to introduce myself. I read your experience at the store and I could have written actually your whole post.

 

If you want to know real crazy just read my introduction. Never, and I mean never ever do any of the things I have done. Slow and steady is the ONLY way to win this race.

 

I have literally fried my brain and now it will be forever to get it back....but I will and so will you

[Altostrata]

Yes, you might be having an allergic reaction to lamotrigine. When this is extreme, it's the dread Stevens-Johnson syndrome.

 

An overlarge dose of lamotrigine can also cause paradoxical reactions, alerting instead of sedating.

 

It's not good to continue in this allergic reactive state. How about decreasing the lamotrigine a bit? http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1122-tips-for-tapering-off-lamictal-lamotrigine/

[laineyk]

oh and another thing about weight loss, I was 189 when this all started, I am 137 now!!!!!

 

I was told it was due to my anxiety, then went and saw GI and had all sorts of tests and scans and endoscopy with biopsy. Found to have H-pylori and SIBO (small intestinal bacteria overgrowth) nasty nasty infections in my gut. so I would make sure stomach issues are ruled out.

 

I was given Prilosec by my GP too and it did nothing...because it was infections not just irritable gut

[laineyk]

"Whoville, Mass."???? my family lives in Groveland and Georgetown....never saw or heard of Whoville....other than Dr. Seuss..LOL

 

I just took the time to read most of your past posts and now I see why the Prilosec so you can ignore my warning about gut issues.

 

I am amazed how good you view your symptoms. I must have PSTD for anxiety symptoms. For as long as I have battled all this every symptom still scares me and makes me want to run and hide.

 

do you have good support from your husband? That is essential during this time. I let my hubby read some of these posts on different forums, helps him to understand.

 

I wanted to say that coming off these drugs is like a heroin addict going cold turkey...I feel like my mind and body are being tortured daily.

 

I live in Liverpool,NY and so our weather is so much worse then yours...we don't see sunshine 10 months out of the year around here. we actually were voted worst city for snowfall in all of USA (Syracuse, NY)

I hate the winters, I hate that it looks like bedtime at 4:00pm. I hate being cold....so obviously for me this is not the time of year to be changing anything regarding med dosages.

you may want to ponder that