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mattinsmom: rage, fear, and self loathing. help please


mattinsmom
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Hi 

 

I don't know what to do. I am flying between rage and terror and self-loathing so fast I can't see straight. I've read about neuro emotions and I am sure they are playing a role. The situation that underscores this is very real. It is very painful, however I think I am over-reacting to it. But at the same time tho I am wondering if all these past years I wasn't just under-reacting. I don't know how to find whats real, or at least closer to real. 

 

As time is passing I am seeing only too clearly how much I lost to meds. How many possibilities, opportunities, experiences, emotions and I am livid. I can't believe how bad I let myself get all in the name of "treating a disease". Why did I not see what was happening? It is glaringly obvious at the moment. What the hell was I thinking? I don't understand me. I hate my doctor. I hate myself. I hate the world. 

 

And what if it never gets any better than this? What if all I get from dc-ing meds is the awareness of how much of my life has been lost? 

 

Current:

Lorazapam2mg: 4/9/152mg - 1.5mg: already sick/nothing noticed. No changes in sleep noted after illness.  

Lamictal: 7/27/13 - 8/6/13: 400mg - 500mg(dr order) mouth sores, headache, cognitive/balance, heart palp...8/7/13 - 8/23/13: 500mg - 400mg; symptoms↓...10/10/13: 350mg; fever/flu-like <2-weeks...12/30/13: 325mg; fever/flu-like symptoms <1-week...2/10/17: 300mg; no significant changes noted. 

 

Discontinued:

Omeprazole: 09/2103 40mg...5/1/14: 20mg... 8/21/14 = 0

Wellbutrin: 11/22/13: 300mg – 225mg...12/6/13 delayed reaction- mood swings, weight↓, heart palp/chest pain, alerting...12/14/13: 187mg; physical symptoms↓, neuro emotions ↑, weight stable...12/20/13: 225mg; physical symptoms return, emotions stable <1-week, weight↓...4/21/14: 187mg; weight↑...5/17/14 (neurologist ordered discontinue asap):168mg; headache, mood swings, ↑weight, sleep flux...5/24/14: 150mg; headache, mood swings, ↓cognitive/balance...6/2/14: 112mg; see above, weight stable, <3-weeks... 6/28/14: 100mg; moody...7/25/14: 87.5mg; family troubles... 8/4/14: 75mg; headaches; moody... 8/9/1450mg headaches... 8/12/14: 37.5mg; 8/17/14: 25mg...8/26/14 = 0

Hydroxyzine; 10mg: 5/20/15 *prn 4/5 times then dc'd. Mood changes/rage 

Buspirone: 7.5mg: 5/20/15 *prn 4/5 times then dc'd. No changes.

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MM,

 

All of what you're describing is familiar to me and things I went through in the last 2 years since DCing (too fast) Pristiq. An emotional excavation of sorts.... a Pandora's Box of emotions that was filled with very real emotions about very real life events, suppressed by my natural defenses and tendency to smooth things over and avoid conflict, then further masked by drugs for many years. It feels like my life was a mirage now. How did I not see the very unhealthy patterns that i had followed my family into and duplicated in my own life??

 

The fallout can be overwhelming, paralyzing, rage-inducing. Neuroemotions are powerful and frightening. They often have a seed of truth to them. Then the neurophysiology of withdrawal accentuates it all.

 

It DOES ease up. I still experience anger ~ sometimes rage ~ at the drug situation and life, in general, and at people who have no part in my life or this situation. I was never an angry or jealous person prior to withdrawal, or I suppressed it extremely well.

 

I'm just throwing some thoughts out in hopes that knowing you're not alone will ease your mind. I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

 

B~

 

ETA: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1995-memories-from-pre-drugged-years-surfacing/?fromsearch=1

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2319-urgency-to-reclaim-lifemake-up-for-lost-time/?fromsearch=1

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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MM,All of what you're describing is familiar to me and things I went through in the last 2 years since DCing (too fast) Pristiq. An emotional excavation of sorts.... a Pandora's Box of emotions that was filled with very real emotions about very real life events, suppressed by my natural defenses and tendency to smooth things over and avoid conflict, then further masked by drugs for many years. It feels like my life was a mirage now. How did I not see the very unhealthy patterns that i had followed my family into and duplicated in my own life??The fallout can be overwhelming, paralyzing, rage-inducing. Neuroemotions are powerful and frightening. They often have a seed of truth to them. Then the neurophysiology of withdrawal accentuates it all.It DOES ease up. I still experience anger ~ sometimes rage ~ at the drug situation and life, in general, and at people who have no part in my life or this situation. I was never an angry or jealous person prior to withdrawal, or I suppressed it extremely well.I'm just throwing some thoughts out in hopes that knowing you're not alone will ease your mind. I'm so sorry that you're going through this.B~ETA: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1995-memories-from-pre-drugged-years-surfacing/?fromsearch=1http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2319-urgency-to-reclaim-lifemake-up-for-lost-time/?fromsearch=1

Thanks for the links. I was able to process a little today and some other things popped up as influences, such as the anniversary of my mom's death. I see that in some ways I am behaving like a 15-year-old but to be perfectly honest, I think that emotionally that is where I am at. I do not have the skills to process what is happening any more than a teen would. 30-years of poly-pharm has made sure of that. 

 

I'm trying. I'm talking. I see that baby steps are in order. Maybe this will settle and I'll find my way thru this jungle of confusion, withdrawal, and grief. I wonder if I can miss a life I never had the opportunity to live. 

 

Thanks B for always reaching back. 

Current:

Lorazapam2mg: 4/9/152mg - 1.5mg: already sick/nothing noticed. No changes in sleep noted after illness.  

Lamictal: 7/27/13 - 8/6/13: 400mg - 500mg(dr order) mouth sores, headache, cognitive/balance, heart palp...8/7/13 - 8/23/13: 500mg - 400mg; symptoms↓...10/10/13: 350mg; fever/flu-like <2-weeks...12/30/13: 325mg; fever/flu-like symptoms <1-week...2/10/17: 300mg; no significant changes noted. 

 

Discontinued:

Omeprazole: 09/2103 40mg...5/1/14: 20mg... 8/21/14 = 0

Wellbutrin: 11/22/13: 300mg – 225mg...12/6/13 delayed reaction- mood swings, weight↓, heart palp/chest pain, alerting...12/14/13: 187mg; physical symptoms↓, neuro emotions ↑, weight stable...12/20/13: 225mg; physical symptoms return, emotions stable <1-week, weight↓...4/21/14: 187mg; weight↑...5/17/14 (neurologist ordered discontinue asap):168mg; headache, mood swings, ↑weight, sleep flux...5/24/14: 150mg; headache, mood swings, ↓cognitive/balance...6/2/14: 112mg; see above, weight stable, <3-weeks... 6/28/14: 100mg; moody...7/25/14: 87.5mg; family troubles... 8/4/14: 75mg; headaches; moody... 8/9/1450mg headaches... 8/12/14: 37.5mg; 8/17/14: 25mg...8/26/14 = 0

Hydroxyzine; 10mg: 5/20/15 *prn 4/5 times then dc'd. Mood changes/rage 

Buspirone: 7.5mg: 5/20/15 *prn 4/5 times then dc'd. No changes.

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I see that in some ways I am behaving like a 15-year-old but to be perfectly honest, I think that emotionally that is where I am at. I do not have the skills to process what is happening any more than a teen would. 30-years of poly-pharm has made sure of that. 

 

This is a very brave and honest observation mattinshum.

 

 

 

 I don't know how to find whats real, or at least closer to real. 

 

I think this will become clearer as you heal.

 

 

 

 

And what if it never gets any better than this? 

 

We all have this thought sometimes, but it will get better!  I promise!

 

I think that all of the things you're feeling at the moment are totally natural.  You are in some ways waking up from a very long and restless sleep.  Take a while to look around, see where you are and feel whatever it is you need to feel.  For a while this will probably mean allowing your body and mind to recover, which they will, on their own.  You sound very strong and self-aware, I'm sure you'll do fine.

 

Hang in there!  Hang tight!

3 Years 150 mgs Effexor

2 month taper down to zero

3 terrible weeks at zero

Back up to 75 mgs

2 months at 75

6 or so months back to regular dose of 150 - was able to restabilize fine.

3 month taper back to zero

1 HORRENDOUS week at zero

2 days back up to 37.5

3 days back up to 75

One week at 150 - unable to stabilize.

Back down to 75 mgs

At 75 mgs (half original dose) and suffering withdrawal symptoms since October 2012.

 

"It is a radical cure for all pessimism to become ill, to remain ill for a good while, and then grow well for a still longer period." - Nietzsche

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I see that in some ways I am behaving like a 15-year-old but to be perfectly honest, I think that emotionally that is where I am at. I do not have the skills to process what is happening any more than a teen would. 30-years of poly-pharm has made sure of that. 

 

This is a very brave and honest observation mattinshum.

 

 

 

 I don't know how to find whats real, or at least closer to real. 

 

I think this will become clearer as you heal.

 

 

 

 

And what if it never gets any better than this? 

 

We all have this thought sometimes, but it will get better!  I promise!

 

I think that all of the things you're feeling at the moment are totally natural.  You are in some ways waking up from a very long and restless sleep.  Take a while to look around, see where you are and feel whatever it is you need to feel.  For a while this will probably mean allowing your body and mind to recover, which they will, on their own.  You sound very strong and self-aware, I'm sure you'll do fine.

 

Hang in there!  Hang tight!

 

Thank you for the vote of confidence. Feelings are huge and happy and painful and everything in-between and I am so amazed by the experience of feeling them. Riding the waves. And I LOVE your quote. We humans sure do have a knack for "fixing" things :) 

Current:

Lorazapam2mg: 4/9/152mg - 1.5mg: already sick/nothing noticed. No changes in sleep noted after illness.  

Lamictal: 7/27/13 - 8/6/13: 400mg - 500mg(dr order) mouth sores, headache, cognitive/balance, heart palp...8/7/13 - 8/23/13: 500mg - 400mg; symptoms↓...10/10/13: 350mg; fever/flu-like <2-weeks...12/30/13: 325mg; fever/flu-like symptoms <1-week...2/10/17: 300mg; no significant changes noted. 

 

Discontinued:

Omeprazole: 09/2103 40mg...5/1/14: 20mg... 8/21/14 = 0

Wellbutrin: 11/22/13: 300mg – 225mg...12/6/13 delayed reaction- mood swings, weight↓, heart palp/chest pain, alerting...12/14/13: 187mg; physical symptoms↓, neuro emotions ↑, weight stable...12/20/13: 225mg; physical symptoms return, emotions stable <1-week, weight↓...4/21/14: 187mg; weight↑...5/17/14 (neurologist ordered discontinue asap):168mg; headache, mood swings, ↑weight, sleep flux...5/24/14: 150mg; headache, mood swings, ↓cognitive/balance...6/2/14: 112mg; see above, weight stable, <3-weeks... 6/28/14: 100mg; moody...7/25/14: 87.5mg; family troubles... 8/4/14: 75mg; headaches; moody... 8/9/1450mg headaches... 8/12/14: 37.5mg; 8/17/14: 25mg...8/26/14 = 0

Hydroxyzine; 10mg: 5/20/15 *prn 4/5 times then dc'd. Mood changes/rage 

Buspirone: 7.5mg: 5/20/15 *prn 4/5 times then dc'd. No changes.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

 

 

I LOVE your quote. We humans sure do have a knack for "fixing" things

 

We sure do.  Like those bumper stickers say, "If it ain't broke, fix it till it is."

3 Years 150 mgs Effexor

2 month taper down to zero

3 terrible weeks at zero

Back up to 75 mgs

2 months at 75

6 or so months back to regular dose of 150 - was able to restabilize fine.

3 month taper back to zero

1 HORRENDOUS week at zero

2 days back up to 37.5

3 days back up to 75

One week at 150 - unable to stabilize.

Back down to 75 mgs

At 75 mgs (half original dose) and suffering withdrawal symptoms since October 2012.

 

"It is a radical cure for all pessimism to become ill, to remain ill for a good while, and then grow well for a still longer period." - Nietzsche

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