Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Shep

The heart is not about love, it's about bravery.  Courage.  The fires burning in your heart that make living worthwhile.

 

I love this part! So much truth to this. There are so many parts to this journey, parts where I couldn't feel "love" or give it away. But I always had the "courage" to journey forward, one foot at a time. And after my cold turkeys, it was more like a crawl. But it was movement forward.

 

I'm enjoying reading how you are courageously fighting your way through so much pain.

 

And hoping you get relief from that pain soon.

 

Sending healing vibes your way. 

Share this post


Link to post
JanCarol

Shep:

I love this part! So much truth to this. There are so many parts to this journey, parts where I couldn't feel "love" or give it away. But I always had the "courage" to journey forward, one foot at a time. And after my cold turkeys, it was more like a crawl. But it was movement forward.

 

I'm learning = this is the sign of an open heart.  Or at least a hopeful one!

Share this post


Link to post
JanCarol

So - shamanism class tonight.  I had a strange experience. 

 

Because I am the drummer, I am not skilled enough to watch participants bodies, keep up the beat, and make a journey of my own, but it was a Middle World (here and now) journey, so I "peeked" around at my loved ones who needed healing.

 

Everywhere I "looked," the problems were caused by doctors.  Mercury fillings, excessive surgeries, excessive drugs, the demands of the medical "system."  This was shown me in "vision state" - but it's hard to tell how much of that vision is colored by the damage I see here at SA.

 

But I was angry enough that I couldn't look anymore.

Share this post


Link to post
Shep

I have a question, JC. Aren't visions supposed to be colored by what we see in our daily lives? Doesn't that mean your vision was authentic? 

 

With over 100 million people on psych drugs (and countless on other prescription drugs), it sounds like your vision was spot on. You may be tapping into something that's real. 

 

I just hope it doesn't tire you out. 

 

Sending healing vibes your way. Thanks for sharing your shaman experience. 

Share this post


Link to post
JanCarol

It was tiring, I have a little "crash" today.

 

The inside and outside are really the same thing one is colored by perception, the other by attitude.

 

Ideally, the vision is supposed to help me understand something - give me a view to find new ways to heal.

 

Sadly, this was just overwhelming.

 

I am not a doctor.

 

And I'm glad.

Share this post


Link to post
Shep

Sending you a cyber hug, Jan. I hope the "crash" feeling dissipates and you recover quickly from the experience. 

 

I do think you have a good attitude, especially considering withdrawal. But we are human and being overwhelmed is okay. It's a sign that you need to self soothe and rest. And try again later. Isn't that part of the healing experience, too? 

Share this post


Link to post
JanCarol

I can't wait until I have a real internet connection.  I've got some Michael Buble, and Frank Sinatra to share with you.  But no videos when my internet has a meter on it!

 

Travelling.  It seems I go through this every time I leave my home environment.  How much of my toolkit is in my nest?

 

I got sick.  IBS.  Blech.  Always fun for travelling.

 

BUT - you know how I'm always cautioning all of you to be careful with supplements?  Well, after reading many studies, I decided that niacinimide does not compare to niacin, and that time-released niacin has risks to the liver that niacin does not.  I made this decision months ago.

 

So - when starting a new afternoon tray of supplements, I got a huge red rash on my arms, burning, itching,, I though I had done something in the garden.  I thought "histamine" and used some benadryl cream.  Then, while I was busy being sick today - it happened again.   

 

I had to think.  Does this  have something to do with being sick?  (I've sometimes noticed that the pattern is one day - sinus troubles, the next day, IBS).  Maybe the IBS was connected to this prickly heat rash.

 

Then I remembered I'd just taken afternoon meds.  And that niacin decision I'd made 2 months ago - just went into effect this week (that's how slow my supplement changes are!  I switch the second niacin dose from time-relase to regular on the nighttime in 2 weeks).

 

So - if I am correct, the IBS is about nerves, stress and travelling - nothing to do with the prickly rash.

 

And the prickly heat rash is a niacin flush!  DUH!  And it should get better over time.  The second flush was not as intense as the first.  I'd forgotten about that change.

 

Now - the toolkit away from the nest.  I love KarenB's image of nesting.  I love to do that.  It suits my personality to settle in a paddock and follow the same trails regularly, making choices to graze in grass or clover in my own home pasture - knowing where the shade is, and where the cool, clear water is.  (I'm a Taurus, I think like a Bull)

 

So when I travel, a lot of my coping skills get uprooted.  I get testy and spiky.  And, again, i got sick.  BUT - I'm looking for toolkit that will travel.  My little tai chi routine is one of those - it made it so that the pain was bearable enough to go out an face the day.  There is a wheelchair pool access at my lodging, and it is a ramp going down into a perfect square of 1/2 metre deep section of pool.  I can wear my shorts (not have to change into swimmers - it's - oddly - too cold for that right now!) and do my routine 4 times, facing 4 directions.  The cool water grounded out my leg pain, and the tai chi got things moving again.

 

I can do this.  This - what I am doing - is amazing.  I am in awe of doing it.  There is just so much I want to do, and want to be able to do!

 

It's about making the toolkit less attached to my house, my home, my cat, my community, my patterns and friends - and more attached to inside, so it can come with me.  The sound of the ocean waves outside my window is a constant meditation.

 

It's all good.  I'll get there.  It's about learning how to keep it going, and stay healthy, and learn what the body is doing.

Share this post


Link to post
JanCarol

Okay, I promised some music - here's what inspired me from a Tom Burlinson (The Man From Snowy River who now croons for a living) concert:

 

Share this post


Link to post
JanCarol

 

and - this always gave me a lift when I was a depressed little girl - and I kept waiting to "see clearly now" - 

 

Share this post


Link to post
JanCarol

I hope you see the Sun today:

Share this post


Link to post
Shep

Nice tunes, Jan. Israel Kamakawiwoʻole's version of "Over the Rainbow" is on my favorite's list of "feel good" tunes.  :)

 

Sending healing vibes your way. 

Share this post


Link to post
JanCarol

THE NIACIN FLUSH

 

So - I'm still having the niacin flush, though there are some days when I don't get it.  (Windows and Waves).

 

It's not unlike a really brief episode of akathisia, where my skin is burning and a million fire ants are just under my skin.  I get irritable, and if I were in my normal environment would probably plunge my feet into a cold bucket of epsom salts water.

 

Part of the ability to survive it - is know that it will pass.  Sometimes in 15 minutes, sometimes an hour (it seems I metabolize it differently from when I took it in my 30's, back then it would pass in 10-15 minutes).  

 

I expect that there will be a month of transitions - I had hoped to be past it by now, as this may be a stressful month for me to be having hot pricklies 1-2 times per day.

 

I guess I just wanted to say - that I tell people - to wait symptoms out, they will pass - I understand how hard it is to wait a symptom or side effect out.  You want to do something about it, right now!  But waiting, and distracting - really are excellent strategies.

 

I know it's hard to compare a side effect of a vitamin that I take voluntarily - to a drug that you didn't know, never wanted, and now you are trapped on.  

 

But a symptom is a symptom, and we must live through them all, however they came about.  It is my hope that the niacin, once I've adjusted to it, will contribute to my mood stabilization.

 

I have another post on Windows and Waves, but I don't know if I will get it prepared before the next phase of my journey....

Share this post


Link to post
scallywag

Some tips about reducing niacin flush -- larger meals, drink 16 oz cool water when flush starts, cool/room-temperature foods rather than hot foods.

Share this post


Link to post
AliG

Hey Jan. I'm not sure how you can do this while you're traveling. I've experienced this and it's not for wimps. It's intense. It didn't really do anything for me at all except turn me lobster red . Scally is right lots of water and my tip - not on an empty stomach.

Good luck . :blink: 

I hope you're enjoying your trip and will have lots of stories to tell when you get back.

Ali

Share this post


Link to post
JanCarol

Thanks Scally!  I think that will be brilliant!

 

It's not too intense, Ali (though I might get a little crabby while in a flush!).

 

Non Drug Technique for the day:

 

Light a candle.  Make it the only light in the whole room.  

 

Watch it dance.  

 

Hold it in your hands and feel its warmth. 

 

Smell the wick and the wax.

 

Breathe, and share oxygen with it.  

 

Sometimes, you can even hear it (I have wood-wick candles that crackle like a campfire).

 

There.  All senses engaged.

 

Distraction, mindfulness, changing the channel.  Just by lighting a candle.

Share this post


Link to post
Marsha

JanCarol, I want to say something encouraging, but all my thoughts are blocked right now. I have read what I am able of your thread. You are very brave. What a stalwart presence you have been and are both here and perhaps other forums. I brings me much comfort to read your many contributions here. Thank you with all my heart.

Share this post


Link to post
JanCarol

Thanks Marsha!

 

So following through with Scally's suggestion to drink more water (ice water helps immensely!), my non-drug technique of the day is a combination of this, with a mindfulness exercise taught me by a 12-step addiction recovery friend.  For him, he uses this technique when the cravings come, and it involves the vagus nerve, too.

 

Non drug technique for the day:  Drink a cup of ice water.

 

Pour the ice into the glass.  Hear the sound of the ice.

Pour filtered water over it, and again, hear it move the ice, and feel the glass get cold as it fills will cool liquid.

Lift the glass to your lips.

Sip.

Swallow.

Repeat as needed.

 

The swallowing actually switches your brain from a place of "need" to a place of "satisfaction," and is good for quelling symptoms and cravings.

Share this post


Link to post
JanCarol

Wow, my trip is over, I've been home for a week, and yet I'm still "crashed" from the journey.

 

The non-drug techniques, the attempts to keep healing while travelling - fell by the wayside as the trip became more demanding, fast and furious.  Eating clean became extremely difficult, and I had to just let go.  This meant that I was sick for most of the trip (another reason I dread travel).

 

I experienced some excellent concerts (ARW, so good to see Rick Wakeman back on stage!), saw lots of friends, was among my tribe when the country elected who they elected - so it felt more bearable, more supported.  Though, I am ever vigilant - it nearly happened in the USA in the 1940's (evidenced by this paper based on the Psychiatry Journal in which it was published:   http://www.brown.uk.com/teaching/HEST5001/joseph.pdf - DO NOT READ if you are in an intense emotional state, as it is certain to invoke anger!)

 

I saw that my Mom no longer wants to engage life outside of the bubble of her retirement home existence.  I was able to integrate into her retirement community for a week (heck, we were "Australian stars"), and really experience what her life is like there.  It made me cry a few times to see the level of protection she seeks to deal with her fears, but heck.  She's 87, and she's not going to heal those fears now.  So, like with the xanax, we give into the "safety" and let her choose her course.   She is happy there, and I am comforted that basically, she is living like a spoiled child.  It could be far worse.  And the food - is good.  It was the best food we had on the entire trip!  And she has 3-4 exercise classes per week - all of them quite good!

 

By doing this, too, living at the retirement home, it was easier for me to see how to interact with her from 14,000 miles away, without email (she refuses to touch a computer now), and limited phone contact.

 

As for my journey, I am exhausted.  I have started up my karate and yoga again, with daily sun-walks and Tai Chi.  I took a "kinda hot" yoga class (a friend of mine taught) while in Indiana, and learned that is a bad idea for me:  I felt like my head was going to explode (even though the studio was only 85 degrees instead of 97!), and was exhausted afterwards.

 

But overall I thought I was travelling well until I went to my regular yoga practice.  There, I realized places in my hips, mid back, ribs, knees, were straining just to keep me upright.  My muscles were strong, but I had armoring all down my back, and now, 2nd day after the class, I'm still quite sore.  (thank heavens for magnesium baths, or I would not be walking at all!)

 

I've been sleeping normally, like a normal human.  10 pm - 7 am.  Sometimes an afternoon nap, too.  I don't like the way I fall asleep - it is as though a hammer hits me, and I have no choice, going to sleep now.  I'm sure some of you insomniacs would welcome this feeling, but I want to have a little more choice in the matter!

 

So - back home, exhausted, but fine.  Gradually picking up my routine and re-engaging my life.  For all of the difficulties of a trip - planning, packing, being at the whims of airlines and hotels and even loved ones (I seem to have lost a friend of 30 years during this election), coming home and picking up living again is the hardest part.

 

It's all good.  I'm appreciating just how free I am to believe what I want, live my life that I have built here in Australia.  If JanCarol had stayed in indiana, the picture would look very different, I'm sure, and I might still be muddling along on the drugs, and preaching to my friends and family, "always take drugs as prescribed."  And trusting the doctors.

 

It's a pendulum swing.  By coming to Australia, I became more heavily drugged.  It is against that which I reacted and broke free.

 

So when you are feeling oppressed, realize that it may be the best way for you to break free of it.

 

This feels a bit like word salad, but I wanted to touch base and let y'all know I'm okay.

Share this post


Link to post
JanCarol

More non-drug techniques.

 

1.  Putting on lotion.  This is a simple soothing thing that I find helps to comfort.  It becomes ritualized, as I've done it all my life.  First my arms, then my feet, then my legs & belly, then finally my hands.

 

Choose a lotion which smells good to you, which feels good on your skin.  Again, enage as many senses as possible - this will be mostly scent and touch.  As you smooth the lotion over your skin, you can "take stock" of good feelings.  This feels good on my feet.  That feels good on my calves.  If you choose a lotion with mint, it can help cool aching muscles.

 

2.  Ragas.  Indian classical musicians have designed ragas (musical pieces based on scale & tone) to correlate with the natural cycles of the nervous system.  If you have trouble awakening in the morning, go to YouTube and find a "Morning raga" which pleases you.  If you have trouble winding down at night, choose an "evening raga."  If you get an afternoon slump, find an afternoon one.

 

I would encourage you, after you have selected your ragas, to stay with the same one for a period of time.  The music is rich and varied, and your body and nervous system will become conditioned to the familiar raga.  Over time, you may find that you can just think of the melody, or the sound of the musical instrument, and it will achieve the desired response.

 

There are digital channels which will play (for a fee) the right ragas at the right time of day, but this is extreme.  I have a number of CD's and love reaching into them to find the raga for "right now."  The morning raga is my favourite, and I used to awaken to it every day instead of an alarm clock.

 

3.  An Australian one:  have a cuppa tea! (may also have deep roots in the UK, China, and India!)  When I first moved to Australia, it seemed that the first answer for any trauma was to put the kettle on.  It was an appropriate, soothing response to share a cuppa tea with someone who loves you.  This seems to apply equally to car accidents, natural disasters, exploding relationships, and skinned knees.  I see this as a caring community response - to offer a cuppa.

 

I don't always have someone to share a cuppa with, so I often will do it for myself.  Maybe it won't be a black tea, but a green one.  Maybe it will be an herbal tea or a Tulsi.  

 

The actual plant doesn't matter.  The ritual of putting the kettle on, preparing the teabags (or pot, or balls), pouring the steaming water over, dunking the tea, watching the colour spread into the hot water, waiting (waiting!) for it to be the strength you like, adding any extras like sweet or lemon or milk, smelling the aroma of the steaming cup, tasting it, feeling it soothe your vagus nerve as you drink it.

 

Like with the cool water sips, the act of swallowing communicates to your body that you are getting a need met, and it can quiet a demanding nervous system.

 

Tea as a practice, can be very healing.

Share this post


Link to post
Shep

Jan, I'm just now catching up on your narrative of your recent adventures. 

 

First, I am so impressed that you are able to travel. Yes, I do hear vibes of exhaustion, but no fear (like agoraphobia) and you even integrated into your mother's form of agoraphobia, which I'm sure brought her much peace. 

 

It's all good.  I'm appreciating just how free I am to believe what I want, live my life that I have built here in Australia.  If JanCarol had stayed in indiana, the picture would look very different, I'm sure, and I might still be muddling along on the drugs, and preaching to my friends and family, "always take drugs as prescribed."  And trusting the doctors.

 

It's a pendulum swing.  By coming to Australia, I became more heavily drugged.  It is against that which I reacted and broke free.

 

So when you are feeling oppressed, realize that it may be the best way for you to break free of it.

 

This feels a bit like word salad, but I wanted to touch base and let y'all know I'm okay.

 
 
You know I'm a huge fan of word salad. In ways, it's my native tongue, a still-remembered song from long ago during my psychosis days. . . . .
 
This part of your story struck me as being very profound. I think the *reacting-against* is a very big part of your success. And it speaks to your strength because psychiatry wields an awful lot of armor to defend it's practices and profits. Not just in locked wards and forced druggings - even the (sometimes unspoken) threat of these, as well as the entire propaganda they use, knowing that our families and friends most likely tow the chemical imbalance line and encourage and emphasize the drugs. 
 
To break free of all that after so many years and to not carry rage is amazing. 
 
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad you're okay.  :)

Share this post


Link to post
JanCarol

We believe that thriving should be pain free. It is ***how*** we suffer that gives us access to greater truth.

 

This.  From Christiansen, "The Adrenal Reset Diet."

 

Thank you Shep.  As usual, you perceived the essential core of the word salad!   :P

Share this post


Link to post
JanCarol

More non-drug techniques.

 

1.  Worry dolls.

 

You know, they are a favourite "cheap souvenir" from Central and South America - a tiny box with tiny little dolls in colorful clothing.

 

There is significant wisdom in the worry dolls, limited only by your imagination.  Some anti-anxiety CBT recommends that you dedicate 5 min a day to "worry" and then put it away, well the dolls give you a physical symbol of that.

 

It's simple.  You don't have anyone who understands you.  Maybe the yellow doll understands why you feel so helpless, but the red doll understands when you get angry, and the blue doll listens to you when you are crying.  Talk to the little dolls.  

 

Say it out loud, if you can, or whisper it to them:  "I'm afraid that...."  "that is making me tense...." "s/he is giving me a hard time" or even "nobody understands."  Whisper it to the dolls, and then close them up in their box.

 

The subconscious can then work on solutions - if you want to imagine, the dolls talking together to solve your problems, while you get on with your life.

 

I saw a Chinese set of Worry Dolls yesterday, and I'd never seen Chinese ones before.  They were beautiful, a set of 4 in an ornate carved little black box.

 

This could also work with regular dolls or stuffed animals - just to get it out - but there is something special about closing the box on your troubles when you are done.  I suppose a box of stones might work, too.

 

2.  Affirmation Altoids.  So you gave your troubles to the trouble dolls.  Now it's time to do something positive.

 

I love my cinnamon altoids.  To mix it up, I put in a box of peppermint ones.  Just to challenge my senses.

 

Hold the altoid in your hand, accept the stress you are facing, and say, "I got this," as you pop the altoid in your mouth. 

 

Repeat the positive affirmation for as long as the altoid is in your mouth, and then when it is gone, let go.

 

Letting go of an affirmation is an essential part of making them work.  It gives your subconscious time to latch onto the idea and warm to it, and accept it, and even work towards bringing you closer to your positive goal.

 

3.  Aw heck, there was a 3rd one, but it's late and I'm going to bed!

Share this post


Link to post
JanCarol

I remember the 3rd one, now:

 

3.  Body Brushing:

 

Wet or dry.

 

Get a sisal body brush with a long handle.  

 

Dry brushing is a detox protocol, so not for someone who is having intense withdrawal symptoms - but can be helpful for mood adjustment.  It's actually been beneficial for my niacin flushes, and sometimes I run the brush over my back before going to back at night.

 

There are dry brushing fanatics who insist that you would never need to bathe if you dry brushed your skin regularly and properly (and probably slather it in coconut oil afterwards).

 

Wet brushing is just good hygiene, making sure you clean and exfoliate - especially places you can't easily reach (I have more of those now than I did 20 years ago!).  A wet brush can be softer than sisal.  Some people like using a loofah-on-a-stick, but I prefer a good, firm sisal brush.

 

Afterwards, you feel clean and lightly stimulated.

 

Bonus:  

 

4.  Vagus Workout:

  1.  The simplest vagus workout is when you are alone in the car, to turn up the music and sing along at the top of your lungs.  Sing so loudly that you are nearly breathless!  Try to sing well, to match the notes, or sing your heart out - feeling every word as you sing.  My favorite song for this is REM's "Losing My Religion," it seems to capture emotion and challenges my breathing at the same time.  (silly me, I have lots of songs I try and do this to, but my voice has been surgically altered, and I can't sing like I want to).
  2. The next level:  I discovered this in the gym:  singing and walking.  I was on the treadmill, and nobody was around.  I had earphones in, and the music was so good I had to sing.  It boosted my workout, and I had to be able to walk and sing at the same time, challenging my cardio and my brain while massaging my vagus nerve at the same time!  This could work with circuit training, weightlifting, or even walks around the neighborhood!  It's great for challenging that "crazy lady" syndrome - heck yes, I'm Mad and Proud!  
  3. The ultimate level:   Chanting and yoga.  I haven't tried this one yet, I am often breathless in yoga.  Plus, I can't do it in class, I will have to try it at home.  The basic "Om" instead of exhaling, while holding a pose.  I've been wanting to develop my own vagus chants based on the tones and notes of the chakras - but that is still a work in progress (and I don't know how to turn on the keyboard yet to find the right notes!)

Share this post


Link to post
JanCarol

Shep said:

To break free of all that after so many years and to not carry rage is amazing. 

 

OMG Shep, yes, I am very very angry!!!!  It is the core of why I come here to SA to learn and help others learn.  It is my hope that I can free my friends and loved ones - but I also know that no one person can free another.  But if I can unlock the cage door, show them that they can open and close it at will - even leave the cage and fly free - if just one person gets out of that cage, then all of the rage is worth it!

 

And I am lucky, lucky, lucky to have seen so many people on SA leave the cage.  It is refreshing and rewarding to see!  Each time it happens, all the angels in my heart sing!

Non-Drug Techniques for the Day:

1.  Burden Basket - another version of the "worry doll" technique.  But this is one to be kind to your neighbors, to your home.

 

I gained this technique from Lakota and Cherokee practice as expounded in the book, "Sacred Path Cards,"  by Jamie Sams

 

When you go to visit another, there will be a basket by the door.  Before you step across the threshhold, take your problems, your worries, your stresses, and leave them in the basket by the door.  This way, you do not burden your friends and loved ones with your problems.  They will be there for you to take up when you leave.

 

Likewise, if you keep a burden basket outside your own home (this is especially beneficial for working people), as you pass the basket, you shed the work stress, the awful boss or coworker, the angry client, the traffic, the commute, and the difficulty you had at the shops.  Leave them in the burden basket, they will be there for you when you leave again, and you can take them up as you go into battle again.

 

This keeps your home a sanctuary, a safe place.

 

2.  Brush your Teeth.

 

Oh I struggle with this one.  I think this is a hallmark of those of us who have struggled with mental, emotional & chronic physical problems.  Nobody really sees your teeth, right?  You're not going out or anywhere, right?  

 

It's a 2-3 minute ritual that you can really use to improve your health.

 

I used to postulate (before I learned how damaging the drugs were) that the connection between cardiovascular problems and "mental illness" was brushing the teeth.  Poorly maintained teeth lead to more than just bad gums and breath - they can damage your heart, too.  And your digestion.  Everything you take in comes through your mouth.  The first place of purity should be (notice I say "should," because I still struggle with this!) your mouth.

 

I still don't do it daily, but when I can maintain a practice of teeth brushing, my digestion is better.  My bruxism is better (I'm more likely to wear my splint when my teeth are clean), and I believe I lose a little weight.  

 

I also scrape my tongue, a la yogic cleansing, as part of my teeth brushing routine.  It's gross - but - better out than in!

 

I have more to write, as it is hot down here in Queensland, and it's affecting my routines & sleep.  But I'll write about that, later.

Share this post


Link to post
Shep

OMG Shep, yes, I am very very angry!!!!  It is the core of why I come here to SA to learn and help others learn.  It is my hope that I can free my friends and loved ones - but I also know that no one person can free another.  But if I can unlock the cage door, show them that they can open and close it at will - even leave the cage and fly free - if just one person gets out of that cage, then all of the rage is worth it!

 

And I am lucky, lucky, lucky to have seen so many people on SA leave the cage.  It is refreshing and rewarding to see!  Each time it happens, all the angels in my heart sing!

 

 

 

Ah, I understand more now.  

 

For you, rage is a force for good, and that's the best kind. 

 

And you are helping many people leave the cage and fly free. I hope the angels in your heart keep singing. And people keep leaving the cage. It is a very dark and scary cage, and I'm glad you're here helping light the way out.  :)

Share this post


Link to post
Marsha

I am glad too JanCarol. I yearn for the time when my words come back to me again and I can write more than a few lines or a paragraph. It is a beautiful thing our capacity to heal and you and all the others are helping make it happen for all of us and for yourselves as well.

Share this post


Link to post
JanCarol

Thank you Marsha, I'm honored that you have taken the time to come here and visit!  I know you are struggling, and I am hoping to bring you hope.

 

Now - to the story of the day:

 

I want to talk about "winter blues."  I remember I was struggling at this time last year, and many of you helped me pull through a dark and depressing time.

 

In Indiana - the long, grey winters - thick clouds of gloom which hovered for months - made it difficult for me to maintain my health.  Also in Indiana, there was a period in August - the dog days - of heat - and also clouds, which kept the heat in a suffocating humidity - kept me inside.  

 

Here in Queensland, it is the opposite - winter is a good time to go outside, and summer, I am huddled in the A/C, avoiding the white hot sun.

 

This has had an adverse effect on my sun walks and sleep cycles - and my work cycles.

 

If I miss the sun walk, I find I am still awake at 4 am, my cortisol firing, and unable to sleep.  I missed a whole week of sun-walk between Christmas and new year, and now my sleep cycle is severely delayed again.  One day this week I slept until 2:30 pm.  THEN, it's assured that my sun-walk is later in the day (it still helps my sleep cycle, but it would help so much more if it were earlier), and the cycle becomes harder to break.

 

I am not as down as I was this time last year.  But I am struggling.  I get to yoga, karate.  I have been going to the gym, but I have trouble finding time for it - it seems to throw my whole week off if I add a day for the gym.  So I'm hoping that 1x a month for weights is enough. 

 

I need all of them.  The daily tai chi on the grass (in the sun).  The daily sun-walk (just 10 minutes walking, in sunlight).  The weekly yoga for my joints and inner being - to confront and breathe through my pain.  The weekly karate to test my mind and concentration (OMG it is not very good right now!).  The weightlifting to prevent muscle loss (I'm way beyond "body building," it's more like physical therapy for me!)

 

When I finally get to sleep (even if it is totally against my cortisol cycles) I sleep well, at least 2-4 hours blocks, with minimal pain.  (what a relief!)

 

But it is a slog, a diligence.  Like being an alcoholic - I cannot slip up once, or I pay for it.  

 

Hubby is helping, we have a "no sleeping past noon" rule, and he lets me know when noon is, so I don't do another 2:30 pm wakeup!  Too bad if I haven't slept enough!  I have been getting out into the sun (except when it is raining) again as much as possible, to try and shift this sleep schedule back.  

 

This "funk" is so much shallower than the funk I was in this time last year - and even last year while I was in it - I knew it would pass.  I didn't feel the need to DO anything, just wait, it would pass.  

 

I shared it here, to let everyone know that - sometimes - years out - you still have to deal with stuff.  It doesn't just magically go away with the pills.  It's work.  And it can be a life's work, and a rewarding one.

 

So - I'm letting you know, this is my funky time of the year, here in Sunny (hot) Queensland, and I'm slogging, I'm doing my diligence, and I will get through this.

 

I have a few other little posts, too - in a bit.

Share this post


Link to post
JanCarol

So I went digging around in old psychiatric records today.

 

I found the letter that my psychiatrist wrote for my immigration application.  I wanted to be totally above board, because Australia has socialized medicine, and I needed to prove that I wouldn't be a burden to the system.

 

At the time, in Indiana, I had minimal medical bills.  My psychiatrist was paid for by charity, my psychologist was paid for by my mother.   I never saw a doctor or GP or dentist - I couldn't afford that.  I cannot remember whether I paid for my scripts, or if I had Patient Assistance Program through pharma.  Earlier, when they first started drugging me, they put me on too many drugs, and I protested.  I fired the Nurse Practitioner, and insisted I speak to a real psychiatrist.

 

He turned out to be amenable to my suggestions, and, therefore, a tame psychiatrist.  I kept insisting, "only enough drugs that I don't go into deep depression, so that I can work.  Not so many drugs that they disable me."  Even then, I was aware that they could make me sicker.

 

So this is the psychiatrist who wrote on my immigration application.  Here is what he wrote:

 

"Dear Ms. J-

 

I have had the privilege of treating Ms. H- since 1998.  I have treated her for Bipolar II Disorder, which has been characterized by depression of various mild degrees and periodic returns to euthymic [normal] moods.  I have never witnessed mania or psychosis in her.  She has never been hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital or facility.  Her current treatment is successful with a minimum of medical intervention and she functions well with Effexor XR 187.5 mg po q am and 1/2 of a 15 mg Remeron at night if needed for sleep.  Future treatment is likely to consist of medications of this mild antidepressant sort and I expect her to be a contributing asset to your society as she has been here.

 

J-H-G-

Board Certified Psychiatrist

Medical Director

X Hospital Psychiatric and Counseling Services"

 

The thing is, I remember that I was on 37.5 mg Effexor, not 187.5 mg!  (bad memory, I guess).  I thought it might have gotten up to 75 mg at some point.  Apparently I was more drugged than I thought!  (interesting that he missed my "manias" and my MDD's.  Maybe if he'd seen the condition of my house....)

 

I found another note written to my "new doctor" when I found one in Australia, and it states 150 mg Effexor.  I do remember that Dr. JHG was happy to make small adjustments to match my needs.  He was a compliant doctor.  I told him what I wanted, and he evaluated and prescribed.

 

I also remember that there was a sentence in a letter from him - I swear I've seen it here at home in my files (maybe it's in an immigration file, not a medical one?) - that also says, "It is my hope that when she is in a sunnier climate, she will be able to go off medicine entirely."  I checked with Hubby, and he seems to remember that statement, too.

 

Which I have done.  Come off the drugs.

 

But what happened after that letter, in 02 - is this:  I got to Australia.  I left my community.  I knew a few people - one was a 1.5 hour ride by train.  My next door neighbors were friendly - but had their own lives.  Hubby went off to work every morning.  I had nothing to keep me going, except the next cigarette.  The heat was unbearable (he wasn't here in the daytime) - and I would take cold showers every day.  At first, I didn't even have a car or a way to drive.  Then, when I did, it was all backwards, and navigation was not a straightforward grid like I was used to, and no alternate routes.  I guess we're lucky to have roads, in some ways.  (Brisbane is famous for it's "goat tracks.")

 

So - like I have been doing over Christmas - I huddled in the shade.  I talked to friends in the US.  I sat on the verandah and smoked cigarettes.  I made a friend, who took me to the club for raffles and lunch and Pokie machines.  I started going to the club regularly (I did keep mostly to a budget, it was weird seeing legal gambling!).  The heat - oppressive.  Some days I would take a cold shower, then get in the car, turn on the A/C, and drive to Hungry Jacks (in the US it is Burger King) and get a large shake.  I would finish the shake on the way home, with the A/C turned on so high that I was shivering by the time I pulled up to the drive.  I could then survive until the words, "Honey, I'm home!"

 

It was an empty life.  At one point, I started getting those soda pop alcoholic lolly-waters.  Like Vodka Cruisers.  They were cold and numb, and I could survive the afternoon after 2-3 of those.  That started to alarm me, so I cut that out, and went back to the cold showers and Hungry Jack shakes.  Fridays were my "day out" and I would go to the club and the library to get more books.  Once a month, I would take a train to see my friend(s) in the Western Suburbs (I knew at least a half dozen people by this time).

 

Yes, I was depressed.  Yes, I went on ebay and spent thousands of dollars.  Buying things on ebay was like a purpose.  It motivated me to get up, go online.  I wasn't interested in the online music scene anymore - I had no interest in reviewing concerts or new tracks.  I was 14,000 miles away - I was missing concerts, new releases. The music in this house is "not my department" like it was in my house in Indiana.

 

My psychiatrist decided that was "high" behaviour and took me off the Effexor, and put me on lithium.

 

I kept going to the club, to the library, to my friends out West.  Eventually, I held a coffee meet of my own, and my friends came to my suburb - that was nice!  New people came (I've lost touch with them).  I had friends, acquaintances, but my tribe was still in Indiana.

 

I spent most of my time on the back verandah, smoking cigarettes and reading books.  My comprehension of those books started slipping.  10 years of reading, and the only book I remember is Robert Whitaker's.  That changed my life.

 

Sometime in there, a karate club came to the door.  Thinking like an American, I said, "bum knee - bad idea." (American clubs wouldn't touch the knee, fear of lawsuits.) They said, "no problem, we have people blind and in wheelchairs - we'll adapt to you!"  So I tried it.  Scared as heck, but I tried it, and did it.  That kept me alive during the lithium years.

 

And the resulting diagnoses.  Metabolic disorder.  Pre-diabetes.  Hypercholestemia.   Thyroid Nodules.  Fibroids.  Surgeries (thyroid and total hysterectomy).  Ugly weight.  Uglier pain.   Statins.  Muscle weakness.  Puffed, out of breath.  Uncomfortable heart beat.  Stronger statins, more statins.  I was on the highest dose of 2 statins.  MORE muscle weakness!

 

It was karate that motivated me, that filled a hole in my life, even when it was torture (we went through 4 schools all up until the one I have now).

 

But I couldn't run from one end of the room to the other.  I got puffed when trying to spar, weak when trying to complete a form. 

 

I quit smoking.  Improvement, but still very sick.

 

I quit statins.  That took 2 years before I saw improvement.  It was while I was quitting the statins that I found Whitaker's book.

 

It hadn't occurred to me to quit the psych drugs.  I had been through a few iterations of tricyclics & SNRI's with the lithium.  And Seroquel.  I dropped the Seroquel like a hot potato.  I still miss it, in some ways, because it was always a guaranteed sleep.  But I don't miss sitting on the verandah with a book on my lap, and not knowing what I am reading.  Or remembering it as soon as I closed the book.

 

So I had to get sick to quit the drugs.  It is one reason I am so passionate to let people know - okay - you feel you need the drug now, please don't stay on it for too long!  Please don't wait to get sick, before getting off.  Please don't wait until it's difficult to get off.  Please look at other ways to stay well.  Please know that depression is temporary.  It is crippling, but it will pass.

 

Drugs have taught me to look at other factors.  You know that awesome 3 day hike you did?  3 months later, you went down, right?  Stress seems to have the same kinds of delayed cycles that the drugs do.  I'm still rattling out the stress of moving here.

 

Now, off the drugs, my tribe is still in Indiana, but I have community.  Trusted friends who would let me cry if I needed to, let me scream if I need to, let me play and dance when I want to.  I have outlets for my spiritual and emotional expression.  I have a companion in hubby, who is an amazing support.

 

I think if I were still in Indiana, I might still be drugged.   But I had to work, to keep my house, my car, food, bills.  And in order to do that, I needed a minimum of 20 hours a week work at a high grade of pay.  (higher than fast food, but still a pittance for a degreed accountant).  In order to work those 20 hours and still be able to cook a meal, visit a friend, well.  I don't think I would survive those winters without a drug.  I had a goiter, then.  I had fibroids already.  Maybe I would've gotten sick anyway, and I'd have had to come off.  I was too well for disability.

 

So now, when I huddle from the burning sun, and realize I didn't get any light into my eyes today, and that it will be a late night again - my problems are small.

 

I'm going to leave the lithium orotate in place for now.  I'm on 1.67 mg orotate, which contains 0.06 mg elemental lithium.   I do sometimes take a crumb of St. John's Wort (like right now, my "tough time of the year,"), and will discontinue that one before any others.  It is so low dose, that it is at a "drop off" point.

 

Mmm.  Am I practicing for my "success story?"

 

I feel I'm getting close.   ;)

Share this post


Link to post
apace41

Mmm.  Am I practicing for my "success story?"

 

I feel I'm getting close.   ;)

 

Very interesting stuff, JC.

 

You will forgive me if I choose to "hone in" on the last 2 sentences.

 

That is awesome!

 

Congrats!

 

Best,

 

Andy

Share this post


Link to post
Happy2Heal

hi JC

I can so relate to the deary days of winter (I'm in New England) and also, while not quite as hot as there in Aus, the dog days of summer, during both of those times, I struggle a lot with depressed thinking and wishing for an outlet for any excess energy (caused by my WD anxiety right now)

I don't have any thing esp helpful to say, just saw something I could relate to and felt the need to connect. Sorry for being a bit of an odd duck about this

heh

 

I am looking forward to your success story! what you've written so far is quite interesting.

Share this post


Link to post
JanCarol

Hey Catnapt!

 

Thanks for stopping by!  (I'm reading your thread right now - about half as long as mine!)

 

It is my hope that my Success story will be more brief than this one...

 

I do miss proper seasons, like in Indiana, but I don't miss those "dog days" of humidity & heat (the heat here is drier), nor do I miss shovelling snow!  

 

But I do miss the first major snowfall - I used to go out walking at night, while it is still falling, and cherish the silence, the solitude, the purity of vision, the clear cool breaths.  There's nothing else like it!  

Share this post


Link to post
JanCarol

Okay - you are not to worry about me.

 

This is just a glimpse of what my day-to-day looks like, when it's on the struggling side.

 

I'm not in any trouble or danger, and I'm sipping magnesium in my lemon-water, and taking baths, and green smoothies, and good proteins and fats - but I wanted to write down the symptom pattern, because I believe this is a thyroid pattern.  Doc approved a 25 mcg increase (if needed) and I've decided to do that, starting yesterday, so this should improve.

 

About 2 weeks ago, I had an emotional event.  Now, maybe this was "normal" trauma clearing, normal "getting in touch" with feeling and grief and loss.  But I was doing breathing meditations to music - and kept going into these places of blockage and sadness and grief.  In that place, i grieved my dead, and grieved (again) for all that I lost when I came to Australia.  Yes, homesickness, or, rather, tribe-home-sickness.  The meditations went on and on for 2 hours, as I kept hitting blockages, and trying to breathe through them.  Like a bull in a China shop.  At one point I said, "insanity is doing the same thing again and again while expecting a different result," and yet, on and on I went.  It was almost compulsive, like from a deep place in my body that needed a good wallow, er, grieving.

 

Now, maybe this emotional event was a precursor to my thyroid "crash," maybe not.  But I want to make a note of it in case it is part of the pattern.

 

After the emotional event, I was down for at least 3 days.  It was as though I had been run through the wringer.  I have had difficulty getting enough energy to get through my normal chores.  Hubby bought oranges so I could make a batch of barley water, but I've been too tired (or it's been too hot) to do so.  One of them went bad, while I was trying to get the energy up to do it.  So - I'm very very slow.

 

My cognitive fog has been thick, too.  My ability to switch between tasks - listening to what hubby is saying (while thinking about what I'm writing about), grasping and remembering what I just read.  And there has been a lot of hard stuff to read, what with all the political action in the USA right now.   Sometimes it takes 3 reads of a paragraph to put it together.  Sometimes I have to read more, as I need to go back to re-learn what I thought I got on the last reading.

 

I looked at my thyroid numbers, and saw that I agreed with my doc's assessment that adding a little T3 might do the trick, and I had just decided to do so when I realized that I had joint pain.  Like having tendonitis all over -  in my ankles, knees, shoulders, hips, lower back, and especially in my neck.

 

I really noticed it in karate last night - when I tried to shift my stances, my left ankle refused to move without pain.  I was hopping on one foot at one point, and 2 senseis commented that "didn't look right."  (it wasn't a correction, it was concern)  I also noticed it was difficult to do head turns (stiff neck).

 

It was difficult to filter out the difficulty this extreme heat is having on me, too.  Ideally, my thyroid should be good whatever the weather - so the heat doesn't affect the thyroid, but it does affect my mood and motivation.  That caused me a bit of delay.  

 

I waited until I got the "tendonitis all over" feeling, and realized that I was not facing my day with the vigor that I would like.  LOL - vigor.  Just facing the day would be good!  I had several days of "hard to go to sleep, hard to wake up," but put it down to the fact that, because of the heat, my sun walks have suffered.

 

I am only walking 2/3 days in the sun, and I'm only doing my tai chi 1/3 days.

 

But after karate last night, I have hit a thyroid / adrenal crash. I still went to yoga and karate, but gave myself "outs" - I'm allowed to sit down, I'm allowed to leave early, I'm allowed to not go, if I don't feel up to it.  I went to massage therapist today, and she pointed out to me that my feet were swollen, my shoulders had some swelling (lymph, she said), and the backs of my knees were puffy.  All of these areas hurt, but responded well to massage.

 

The ankles in particular (thyroid docs are supposed to look for "delayed achilles tendon reflex," and I could feel this deeply.  It was like my ankles were too stiff to move.  As the massage therapist rubbed them, and flexed them, there was a delay between when she pulled, and when my ankle "let go" into the massage.

 

I feel I am in a state of total inflammation.  Was there a trigger for this?  Was the emotional event a trigger for this?  Or was it a symptom of this?

 

My blood tests from December indicated that I could use more thyroid, but I am slow to updose, because too much thyroid is a bad thing, too.  And some of the symptoms, like hair loss, are the same, whether it is too little, or too much.

 

So - how to function in this state?

 

I thought today about targets.  Today I had targets of getting to my massage appointment - I got there (10 min late) - so not a bullseye, but at least close to the mark.  I had a target of getting clothes hung out on the line, and of bringing the blanket in from the line.  I got the blanket in, but didn't get the clothes out.  

 

Some days I get a bullseye, and show up for a thing on time, ready to go.  Other times, it is like pulling teeth to get me there.  I play games with myself.  I tell myself I have permission to cancel, and then I start counting spoons.  

 

Like yesterday, I had permission to not go to karate - it was so hot, and my energy was so low.  But I did my spoons.  I tied my hair up.  I put water in the freezer.  I taped my knee.  I put on my gi.  By then, it was 15 minutes before class so I went.  I showed up 5 min late for class, and did what I could, and looked for opportunities to rest in between practices.  But I hit the target.

 

The thing about targets, is that you never hit them if you don't shoot the arrows.  If I keep shooting arrows, I won't always hit the target, and I won't always hit all the targets, but I'll get something done.  I've gotten some writing done, because sitting in the cool airconditioned office is a comfortable place to be.

 

I'm good, and I'm still on track for a success story.  Soon.  This is just a thyroid bump, and it is taking me awhile to work out "getting it right."

 

I learned today that Hashimotos does not go away if your thyroid was removed.  I have no proof that I have or had Hashimotos, but I had all the symptoms of it - for probably a decade before I lost my thyroid.  So I still need to be diligent with my diet, and my spoons.  As evidenced by how hard things are for me today.

 

After my massage, my massage therapist offered to drive me home - a 25 min drive! - because I looked so awful.  When I thought about the hassle of coming back to get my car or whatever - it was a sweet offer, and one which I would like to get more often (after karate, it would be nice to have a driver!).  I promised I would take it easy, and let her know I was home safely.

 

This is damage.  Not just from drugs, but from surgeries, and from letting the docs do "whatever they wanted" while my Will was checked out on lithium.

 

So it has progressed, what was going to be a need for barley water earlier this week, is now a need for bone broth.  I will be trying to make that up tomorrow, to replenish my system and heal.

 

I am so grateful for magnesium baths!  I am extremely fortunate to have my massage therapist, my acupuncturist and osteopath to take care of me.  And extremely grateful for the doc who manages my thyroid - she is my partner and educator - and she considers factors that some of the best doctors in the world look at (and charges me less than my regular GP!).  Extremely grateful.

 

I did not see the sun today.  It was too hot.  But there's always tomorrow, and I have my targets laid out:  to get that laundry out on the line, to start a bone broth, and to see the sun tomorrow.

Share this post


Link to post
Marsha

Okay - you are not to worry about me.

 

This is just a glimpse of what my day-to-day looks like, when it's on the struggling side.

 

I'm not in any trouble or danger, and I'm sipping magnesium in my lemon-water, and taking baths, and green smoothies, and good proteins and fats - but I wanted to write down the symptom pattern, because I believe this is a thyroid pattern.  Doc approved a 25 mcg increase (if needed) and I've decided to do that, starting yesterday, so this should improve.

 

About 2 weeks ago, I had an emotional event.  Now, maybe this was "normal" trauma clearing, normal "getting in touch" with feeling and grief and loss.  But I was doing breathing meditations to music - and kept going into these places of blockage and sadness and grief.  In that place, i grieved my dead, and grieved (again) for all that I lost when I came to Australia.  Yes, homesickness, or, rather, tribe-home-sickness.  The meditations went on and on for 2 hours, as I kept hitting blockages, and trying to breathe through them.  Like a bull in a China shop.  At one point I said, "insanity is doing the same thing again and again while expecting a different result," and yet, on and on I went.  It was almost compulsive, like from a deep place in my body that needed a good wallow, er, grieving.

 

Now, maybe this emotional event was a precursor to my thyroid "crash," maybe not.  But I want to make a note of it in case it is part of the pattern.

 

After the emotional event, I was down for at least 3 days.  It was as though I had been run through the wringer.  I have had difficulty getting enough energy to get through my normal chores.  Hubby bought oranges so I could make a batch of barley water, but I've been too tired (or it's been too hot) to do so.  One of them went bad, while I was trying to get the energy up to do it.  So - I'm very very slow.

 

My cognitive fog has been thick, too.  My ability to switch between tasks - listening to what hubby is saying (while thinking about what I'm writing about), grasping and remembering what I just read.  And there has been a lot of hard stuff to read, what with all the political action in the USA right now.   Sometimes it takes 3 reads of a paragraph to put it together.  Sometimes I have to read more, as I need to go back to re-learn what I thought I got on the last reading.

 

I looked at my thyroid numbers, and saw that I agreed with my doc's assessment that adding a little T3 might do the trick, and I had just decided to do so when I realized that I had joint pain.  Like having tendonitis all over -  in my ankles, knees, shoulders, hips, lower back, and especially in my neck.

 

I really noticed it in karate last night - when I tried to shift my stances, my left ankle refused to move without pain.  I was hopping on one foot at one point, and 2 senseis commented that "didn't look right."  (it wasn't a correction, it was concern)  I also noticed it was difficult to do head turns (stiff neck).

 

It was difficult to filter out the difficulty this extreme heat is having on me, too.  Ideally, my thyroid should be good whatever the weather - so the heat doesn't affect the thyroid, but it does affect my mood and motivation.  That caused me a bit of delay.  

 

I waited until I got the "tendonitis all over" feeling, and realized that I was not facing my day with the vigor that I would like.  LOL - vigor.  Just facing the day would be good!  I had several days of "hard to go to sleep, hard to wake up," but put it down to the fact that, because of the heat, my sun walks have suffered.

 

I am only walking 2/3 days in the sun, and I'm only doing my tai chi 1/3 days.

 

But after karate last night, I have hit a thyroid / adrenal crash. I still went to yoga and karate, but gave myself "outs" - I'm allowed to sit down, I'm allowed to leave early, I'm allowed to not go, if I don't feel up to it.  I went to massage therapist today, and she pointed out to me that my feet were swollen, my shoulders had some swelling (lymph, she said), and the backs of my knees were puffy.  All of these areas hurt, but responded well to massage.

 

The ankles in particular (thyroid docs are supposed to look for "delayed achilles tendon reflex," and I could feel this deeply.  It was like my ankles were too stiff to move.  As the massage therapist rubbed them, and flexed them, there was a delay between when she pulled, and when my ankle "let go" into the massage.

 

I feel I am in a state of total inflammation.  Was there a trigger for this?  Was the emotional event a trigger for this?  Or was it a symptom of this?

 

My blood tests from December indicated that I could use more thyroid, but I am slow to updose, because too much thyroid is a bad thing, too.  And some of the symptoms, like hair loss, are the same, whether it is too little, or too much.

 

So - how to function in this state?

 

I thought today about targets.  Today I had targets of getting to my massage appointment - I got there (10 min late) - so not a bullseye, but at least close to the mark.  I had a target of getting clothes hung out on the line, and of bringing the blanket in from the line.  I got the blanket in, but didn't get the clothes out.  

 

Some days I get a bullseye, and show up for a thing on time, ready to go.  Other times, it is like pulling teeth to get me there.  I play games with myself.  I tell myself I have permission to cancel, and then I start counting spoons.  

 

Like yesterday, I had permission to not go to karate - it was so hot, and my energy was so low.  But I did my spoons.  I tied my hair up.  I put water in the freezer.  I taped my knee.  I put on my gi.  By then, it was 15 minutes before class so I went.  I showed up 5 min late for class, and did what I could, and looked for opportunities to rest in between practices.  But I hit the target.

 

The thing about targets, is that you never hit them if you don't shoot the arrows.  If I keep shooting arrows, I won't always hit the target, and I won't always hit all the targets, but I'll get something done.  I've gotten some writing done, because sitting in the cool airconditioned office is a comfortable place to be.

 

I'm good, and I'm still on track for a success story.  Soon.  This is just a thyroid bump, and it is taking me awhile to work out "getting it right."

 

I learned today that Hashimotos does not go away if your thyroid was removed.  I have no proof that I have or had Hashimotos, but I had all the symptoms of it - for probably a decade before I lost my thyroid.  So I still need to be diligent with my diet, and my spoons.  As evidenced by how hard things are for me today.

 

After my massage, my massage therapist offered to drive me home - a 25 min drive! - because I looked so awful.  When I thought about the hassle of coming back to get my car or whatever - it was a sweet offer, and one which I would like to get more often (after karate, it would be nice to have a driver!).  I promised I would take it easy, and let her know I was home safely.

 

This is damage.  Not just from drugs, but from surgeries, and from letting the docs do "whatever they wanted" while my Will was checked out on lithium.

 

So it has progressed, what was going to be a need for barley water earlier this week, is now a need for bone broth.  I will be trying to make that up tomorrow, to replenish my system and heal.

 

I am so grateful for magnesium baths!  I am extremely fortunate to have my massage therapist, my acupuncturist and osteopath to take care of me.  And extremely grateful for the doc who manages my thyroid - she is my partner and educator - and she considers factors that some of the best doctors in the world look at (and charges me less than my regular GP!).  Extremely grateful.

 

I did not see the sun today.  It was too hot.  But there's always tomorrow, and I have my targets laid out:  to get that laundry out on the line, to start a bone broth, and to see the sun tomorrow.

Oh JanCarol. I feel like I have just read my biography or autobiography i don't know from hypothyroid brain fog. How important it is to have those support systems in place. I am happy that you have good care. You have taken extroardinary steps to bring about healing to your body mind spirit and everything else that I don't know about. It is good for me to read this as it gives me hope and encouragement. You know I have a million thoughts but only so many words but I see your inner strength and you appear positive in your outlook. I hope you see the sun tomorrow too.

Share this post


Link to post
JanCarol

Thank you Marsha, it means so much to me that you posted here.

 

Cognitive framing: 

 

First instinct: 

 

This is so miserable.  Every joint is in pain, I can't get comfortable.  The fatigue is deep and unrelenting.    Yesterday hubby sent me a bunch of political articles and by the time I'd read them, then sun had gone down.  I cried because I didn't do anything I set out to do, workwise.  I felt hopeless, and the political situation makes me want to give up.

 

Rethinking:

 

Yes, I got a bone broth made (under duress, hubby kept messing with the bones until I had to kick him out of the kitchen and make the broth even though it was very hot).  I got the cat box emptied, and caught up on laundry.  The bone broth will nourish me until my body feels better.  I've had 3 cups of bone broth so far, and the marrow (it was lamb) came out of the bone whole - I ate it right away.  

 

It's true, I didn't get to do any writing or art, but those are burning in me, and I will get to them.  

 

I need to put fences around the political news, it could make me sick.  Right now, I prefer to get it via comedy, and word of mouth.  But I may have to limit that, as there are about 20 min per day of those to listen to.

 

It's kind of like having an abuser in the highest office of the land - every act is a form of abuse.  I need to say no to hearing about each and every offence.

 

I do have many fulfilling projects to work on, and even though I'm very tired, if I just keep plugging along, I will make progress.  It is more pleasurable to put color onto paper, than it is to learn about the latest policies coming out of Washington.  To follow my pleasure, I need to spend more time drawing, coloring and painting, and less time pursuing news that will just make me angry and upset.  Oh, and listening to music.  That's pleasurable and important too.

 

There was a cartoon passed around on facebook, which said something like:  "My desire to stay informed is competing with my desire to stay sane."

 

I need to acknowledge my tiredness, and I have informed hubby that - too many articles is just too much right now.  I like getting them, but please, make sure they are very important, and not just "fun."  Because they are not fun for me when they keep me from my targets and goals.

 

I also learned a new breathing technique - not recommended for withdrawal, but it might help me change the channel and shift through some of these rougher days.  It claims to boost the immune system, and might be good for autoimmune disorders.  Wim Hof techniques, very simple and coarse, but - sometimes drastic measures are called for.  If it helps with pain, then it's a good thing.

 

So - not hopeless, helpless and miserable.  But I could be, if I let myself think that way.

Share this post


Link to post
Shep

 

There was a cartoon passed around on facebook, which said something like:  "My desire to stay informed is competing with my desire to stay sane."

 

 

 

This reminds me of a R.D. Laing quote:

 

Insanity - a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world. 

 

If only modern psychiatry had listened to their own doctors who were telling us that it was the world that was insane and not the people. 

 

I read about the Wim Hof techniques. I am so impressed that you are taking that on. I'm still working on the simple 4-7-8 technique from Dr. Weil.

 

I'd be interested to know if the Wim Hof techniques work, as breathing techniques are one of the best non-drug coping skills I've found so far.

 

When stressed, when in trapped so far in my own head that all seems lost, when completely disoriented by dp/dr, I always know I can come back to my breath. As Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn says, "As long as you're breathing, there's more right with you than wrong."

 

I hope your fatigue gets better and you see the sun today.  :) 

Share this post


Link to post
JanCarol

LOL Shep - I'm not doing the iceman stuff, nor am I doing a bunch of push-ups.  Just some basic, deep breathing to contact my pineal gland and hopefully upload some energy!

 

Breathing is powerful.  When I use my breath, I can change emotional states, perform cognitive shifts - I can literally change my world.

Share this post


Link to post
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×