success ☼ JanCarol: Reboxetine first, then lithium

[btdt]

Metabolic syndrome can be found in my thread too if you want more to put with your if you find a place to put them...

 

So happy to here the essence of you is coming back that is a winning statement if I ever head one. 

 

That drug he offered did you check it out.. I was offered metformin I declined as it too damages the mitochondria.your Doc sure sounds like a functional med guy... 

 

And you can get natural thyroid meds?  

 

I too am doing this

 my delayed cycle sleep is back (4 am to noon are my sleep times now), I'm not distressed upon waking.

 

I can barely keep up with reading all your doing so happy to see your busy and happy

peace

[JanCarol]

Metabolic syndrome can be found in my thread too if you want more to put with your if you find a place to put them...

 

So happy to here the essence of you is coming back that is a winning statement if I ever head one. 

 

That drug he offered did you check it out.. I was offered metformin I declined as it too damages the mitochondria.your Doc sure sounds like a functional med guy... 

 

And you can get natural thyroid meds?  

 

I too am doing this

 my delayed cycle sleep is back (4 am to noon are my sleep times now), I'm not distressed upon waking.

 

I can barely keep up with reading all your doing so happy to see your busy and happy

peace

 

Hey B!  Thanks for visiting!

 

The endocrinologist kept me on the Natural Dessicated Thyroid (NDT)  for now.  I'm due to send a report to him on "how I'm going" with his recommendations.  The drug was an "old" one (circa 2002 LOL) called "acarbose" which absorbs 20% of carbohydrates - but turns them into gas (which was a painful situation for me).  So - not metformin, not as extreme as that.

 

I'm using inositol to help with leptin and delayed cycle sleep - heck - didn't I post about my orthomolecular visit?  Heck.  Need to do that.  Also need to work up my "adrenal fatigue" notes to answer the requests I've had here for more information.

 

But this isn't OTC inositol, it's compounded for me by my NDT compounding pharmacist.  I'm also instructed to use it on a PRN basis when I feel "frayed."  (like right now)

 

I can barely keep up with what I'm doing, so you're doing well, B!

 

So - look for:  a post about seeing ortho-doc, and a looooong post about adrenal fatigue!

[JanCarol]

This post goes out in deep appreciation for those of you who experience DP/DR and cog-fog.

 

I am not in a state of cog-fog, but in the process of restoring my computer - I have been in tears at the pain of my ignorance and lack of understanding.

 

The words come at me, the screen says things to me, and I am so frustrated at not knowing what is going on, what is the right thing to do.

 

Those of you who deal with DP/DR and cog-fog with grace and acceptance - taking it as it comes - have my deep respect.  I don't even have cog-fog and my ignorance has been melting me down.

 

I'm mostly fine.  Issues with changes in my Mom's living situation, issues with the computer, a less than satisfactory monthly Shamanism class (what could I have done differently?), and extremely traumatic dreams where I am attacked and fighting for my life against people who I thought were my friends....I'm fine, but working really really hard to stay so.

[Dan998]

Have you tried turning it off and on again? 

[JanCarol]

Dan that would be funny if I didn't used to be the one people asked to help with their computers.  But I was.  But I've changed, and so have the (insert expletive) computers.  So I know all the tech support jokes about RTFM and it's not the cup holder...sigh.

[JanCarol]

So - I was discouraged after going to the endocrinologist.  I was excited at first, because he is a good doctor, a good listener, and generous with his time.

 

BUT - the more I thought about it, the more it comes down to the same thing:  everybody wants me to stop being so fat.  Even my pharmacist has an image of me who sits around the house eating chocolates and McBurgers all day

 

Yes, I've improved my diet since the last scolding, but how long will it last?  It drives me to tears, just thinking about the prices I've paid.  Never to cake again.  No more bread, no more rice, no more beans, no more potatoes, no more no more no more.  My only consolation is butter.  And bacon.

 

I wrote my endocrinologist a detailed report, telling him about the changes to my diet and exercise, as well as the failed attempt at taking his drug.  He has not written back.

 

ANYhow, so I went to my ortho-doc about a week later, and she looked at my tests.  I think she had just come from the annual Ortho-doc convention on the Gold Coast where they exchange knowledge, information, tips and tricks, and patterns to look for.

 

We talked about my sugar.  She said Alpha Lipoic Acid.  She did not like the Endocrinologist's acarbose and was not upset that I had quit that drug.  Instead, she said, let's try the Alpha Lipoic Acid and bentonite clay.  I'm to take the clay orally, every day for a month - she wanted me to take it 2x a day but - that's not on.  I have too few hours to get all my protocols in around my food and bentonite must be taken away from all food and supplements by at least an hour.  So 1x a day.

 

We talked about IV glutathione for my adrenal fatigue.  Her eyes lit up when I suggested that, as Vit C / Glutathione is a regular part of her cancer protocols.

 

Additionally, we talked about leptin from poor sleep.  She put me on compounded Inositol - 1-2 a day and PRNs when I feel "crackly."  I'm now up to 2 a day, and I am still kinda crackly - I've taken a few extra in the past week just to spare hubby the backlash.  But even though my sleep is still severely delayed cycle - I am sleeping well when I go there.

 

So the 1-2 punch of the endocrinologist - as refined by my orthomolecular doctor - has me feeling encouraged again.  There's hope that I won't flip into diabetes, hope that I might lose a spot of weight, hope that I might achieve more fitness and wellness again.

 

(well, except for the nightmares - maybe time to back off the P5P again)

 

* * *

 

In other news, the wind sprints are up to 12 seconds, but they are slower.  Wind sprints come in windows and waves, and some days I "run" at a crawl.  It is always painful to try, I dread the first one, but it gets easier, so that by the third one, I feel okay, and my mood is adjusted.

 

I have not seen any huge benefit (at 2 weeks - avg 3 minutes a week) - I'm about 1.5 kilos lighter, but that is still within my usual weight "swing."  Bodyworkers - massage and acupuncture say that I look "leaner" on my back, which could be good.  And my endurance for walking up hills and pain is about the same.

 

My physio wants me to go to a gym and do leg presses, leg extensions and hamstring curls.  I have to find non-gym alternatives, because I know I just won't go. And I definitely don't want to pay a gym to not go to it.

 

and I might go to a ukulele fun group on Tuesday to play silly songs and laugh with new potential friends.  (see where this "year of saying yes" has landed me?  Ukuleles!)

 

Like I said before, I'm struggling but fine.  Working really really hard to stay that way.

[btdt]

" Alpha Lipoic Acid and bentonite clay"

 

What type of clay the one I bought smells like petro...something.  I would not eat it I am sure you have a food grade right?

 

ALA... did not agree with me last time I tried it .. why are you taking these two and are they taken together?

 

 

"crackly." define please. 

 

This is something my bones do crackle...

 

I feel like saying are we there yet... tired too... seems my sleep has skipped now ...after one 24 hour stint of being up... with no sleep I slept could be the supplements which I have now stopped at least for a few days. 

 

We just keep going don't we... not much choice I guess you do inspire me... have you see an Osteopath?  Just curious as you seem to have a few alternative docs... I had one apt and am debating going back. 

 

peace Jan

[JanCarol]

Hey B - I had an Osteopath in Indiana who was a sheer wizard of the cranial sacral dural balance, and used to "fly" through my pain like a jet pilot.  Sadly, he died in 2008 from a motorcycle accident.  (the cranial-sacral genius did not have a helmet on - that's legal behaviour in Indiana).

 

Now that I'm in Australia, a DO is not the same as in the US, where they are full practitioners, as qualified as an MD.  I ask, "why would anyone be an osteopath in Australia?" where they are treated like bone crunchers, or chiropractors.  So no, I don't have one now, and after the Dural Cranial Sacral Wizard, I am loathe to try anyone else.  I think that chiropractic is invasive, and especially not good for ageing joints.  I don't know what it means to be an "osteopath" in Australia, though I do have access to one who is US trained, if I ever feel desperate enough to try one.  Probably by the time I do, he will retire (he is in his late 60's).

 

I would say that unless the Ostopath knocks your socks off, I'd save my money.  OR - my policy with alternative practitioners is:  give them 3 visits, and if you start to feel better, then they are good.  But if you find you are angry or upset or have more pain after visits - then maybe they are not for you.

 

My bentonite clay is cosmetic (there is supplement grade clay, but not food grade), but it is from New Zealand, the purest country I know of in the world.  When I looked at clays from the US on iHerb, I kept looking at locations and thinking - oh - like right by that nuclear test site?  OR - there would be an actual warning which says, "CONTAINS LEAD."   The New Zealand clay is sterilized and purified, and smells clean and pure.  I put it into capsules myself, and I take 3-5 size 3 capsules of it at about 2 am (which is the only time that it's not around food or supplements)  I am using this size capsule for things I don't have to tediously weigh - like my ginger caps and the bentonite - because I bought these tiny capsules and they are a hitch to work with.  I will use bigger ones when I run out, and the amount I take then might change.  I could probably take more with no ill effect.  I'm probably taking 3/4 gram per day.  I could probably take up to 15 grams per day.

 

If I want to have a spa day, I might mix up a big batch of mud and clay and rub it on my big fat tummy and "detox" ! 

 

My Ortho-doc said it was time for me to do a detox.  To her credit, she waited until I achieved a certain level of wellness before she suggested this.  Most natural practitioners START EVERYTHING with a detox, but I agree with this doctor that it is time for me to do so, now.

 

BECAUSE she wants me to take it 2x a day, and that just doesn't work with my sleep & eat & supplement schedule - I will take it for 2 months, instead of the one month she prescribed. 

 

The clay must be taken 2 hours away from all supplements or food.  The A-Lipoic is with my regular AM and PM supplement trays.  There were at least 2 weeks in between starting the clay, and starting the A-Lipoic.

 

I feel VERY LITTLE DIFFERENCE if any.  The proof will be in the blood tests.  I'm trying to lower my insulin resistance (the inositol will help with that, too), blood sugar readings, and improve my fatty liver / metabolic syndrome / cholesterol issues.

 

Crackly bones?  Well, there is always that.  I was talking about crackly mood, where it's like there is a constant static on my nerve endings and I'm very reactive and easily set off.  I don't go on crying jags, instead, I tend to lash out (at hubby, mostly) or explode in a tantrum of rage or frustration.  I feel like a 2 year old, screaming, "NOT WHAT I WANT!!!  GIMME WHAT I WANT!!!!"

 

THIS is why karate was so excellent for me - it helped me level out my mood so that I could be calmer, cooler under stress.  Plus - it successfully staved off the diabetic stuff for at least 10 years.

 

I am still managing mood without karate but it is a more delicate balance, and - without karate I'm on a steep, slippery slope leading to Diabetes 2.  I'm scrambling up that slimy mud bank as best I can, but it is difficult.

 

Thanks for stopping by, B, it's always great to hear from you!

[Shep]

This post goes out in deep appreciation for those of you who experience DP/DR and cog-fog.

 

I am not in a state of cog-fog, but in the process of restoring my computer - I have been in tears at the pain of my ignorance and lack of understanding.

 

The words come at me, the screen says things to me, and I am so frustrated at not knowing what is going on, what is the right thing to do.

 

Those of you who deal with DP/DR and cog-fog with grace and acceptance - taking it as it comes - have my deep respect.  I don't even have cog-fog and my ignorance has been melting me down.

 

I'm mostly fine.  Issues with changes in my Mom's living situation, issues with the computer, a less than satisfactory monthly Shamanism class (what could I have done differently?), and extremely traumatic dreams where I am attacked and fighting for my life against people who I thought were my friends....I'm fine, but working really really hard to stay so.

 

 

Hi, JC.

 

Just stopped by to say I hope your computer-induced cog fog and dp/dr has resolved. This is coming from a long time dp/dr person. The free acid trip is the gift that keeps on giving from my benzo and z-drug days, or rather, daze.

 

 

 

 

 

and I might go to a ukulele fun group on Tuesday to play silly songs and laugh with new potential friends.  (see where this "year of saying yes" has landed me?  Ukuleles!)

 

 

This sounds very interesting. Have you heard Eddie Vedder's album "Ukulele Songs"? It proved the ukulele is now mainstream and cool.

 

I hope you're having a good weekend.

[JanCarol]

LOL George Harrison and Paul McCartney did "cool on a Uke" for me, when Eddie Vedder was a twinkle in his father's eye!  

[btdt]

I have only had one visit with the osteopath.  She worked on my head most of the time may have been doing a cranial sacral thing as she did get to the sacral area later.  She said something was not flowing in my head... if she had said blood I would have believed her tho I know it would likely not be true.. I use that term a lot I have no blood in my brain it is starving as that is how it feels... when I cannot think or get lost ect.  It is very perturbing to me... when I can't think and those bad moods come with it not sure which came first can't think bad mood seem to be the more normal way it goes. I could feel something changing as she worked on my head it is very difficult to explain... way less intense than a brain zap for sure but some bits of tingling and pulling not painful... just odd. The biggest thing I have noticed since is I have bad reactions on the bus but only some times... I don't get it.. once going to the city the bus was very bumpy... felt horrid second time coming home from a short trip... when I got off the bus I was staggering and losing the light... hit and miss could no see right... I had to sit for a time once I got across the road which I am not sure how I did... then the rest of the day I slept. That is the end of the story. I do not feel any better and she is booked solid so tho she wanted to see me in two wks it will be more like a month before I can get back in.  Getting 3 appointments with her may take 3 months... bit of a lag to make a decision. It maybe the bus issues were something more related to MCS chemical sensitivities.. the first bus for sure was deisle the smell was making me feel ill.  It is so difficult to tell when there is so much crap going on. 

 

Karate I wish I had the energy and body for some movement work... I do some at home not much due to certain limitations with not wanting to start up old injuries and some newer ones.  I keep working on my pysio thinking one of these days it will pay off big and there have been improvements so I keep that hope. 

 

The bentonite I have I think may not be safe to use cause of the bad chemical smell it has so I may just toss it out.  I have thrown away a few grand in things I can't use easily... skin hair body products... I kept one bottle of perfume that came from England as a gift but it is double bagged and put far out of reach.. maybe one day I can open it.  

 

Odd lives we live yet it is still life I guess one day maybe we will find the right mix of whatever it is going to take to get us and keep us well. 

 

" The proof will be in the blood tests.  I'm trying to lower my insulin resistance (the inositol will help with that, too), blood sugar readings, and improve my fatty liver / metabolic syndrome / cholesterol issues."

 

I got it all too... I am thinking of trying a functional med doc as my general practitioner is only interested in giving me drugs for all this and I will not take them. 

 

Good luck on your journey I hope it works... Jan

peace B

[JanCarol]

Hey B - I know there are other cranial sacral practitioners, but there was only one Wizard of it in my book, and he is gone.

 

It was not blood - it was the Dura.  Have a look for that in your research travels.  Moving fluid subtly around the dura was how he claimed to work his magic.

 

Peace to you, too!

[btdt]

I just looked up Dura and it seems most of what I see right off the bat is CSF leak... she was talking about draining the ventrical not the dura... so I looked that up too...

http://www.aafp.org/afp/2004/0915/p1085.html

tho I have some of these symptoms I surely have seen more specialist than any normal person on earth and it can't be that or they would have found it... 

I still am not the brightest sparkle in the jar so I will not even attempt any further looking not now.  Thanks for the input... it is interesting and I hope to look at a later more cognitive friendly time... 

peace

[JanCarol]

(Note:  Duplicated from Inositol thread)

 

OK.  Inositol.

 

I've received all kinds of "advice" and I'm not saying any of it is right or wrong, just what I've been told.

 

First I was told to choose:  If GABA wasn't helping with my sleep, try Inositol (or vice versa - just not both).

 

So I tried Inositol (NOW brand) for awhile, about 1-2 g per night.  Please note, I cannot wrap my head around teaspoons of the stuff, even if it tastes like Easter Morning.

 

Then, when I got tired of being tired, I went back to GABA.  Just as I did, my ortho-doc (who also gave me the first advice) got excited about Inositol and its cell healing and improving blood sugar, sleep and leptin, and metabolic / fatty liver effects.  She said I could take both, but at the very least I should take inositol (more on this in a sec).

 

But in between, a "western herbalist" (as distinguished from an eastern one, or a "naturopathic one") steered me towards Phosphatidyl Serine (PS), Phosphatidyl Choline, and sunflower lecithin.  Sunflower lecithin is more likely to be non GMO (much lecithin is soy based, and I wonder about people who react to it.) and does not react as much with hormones as does soy, and naturally contains:

(approx) 13% inositol, 22% choline, and EFA's like linoleic acid.  (plus, I eat a lot of nuts, for minerals and wonderful things just like this).  I think it's the most valuable thing the "western herbalist" provided, as her supplements for cholesterol and blood sugar did nothing (my ortho-doc took me off of them, and wondered if they actually made things worse).  

 

I like the "feel" of the sunflower lecithin, though I only take about 1 g (1000 iu gelcap) per day.  So I am continuing it.

 

But back to Inositol.  My last visit to ortho-doc, she got all excited about inositol.  She asked me what I had taken.  I said I was taking 1-2 g of NOW with no effect.  She harrumphed.  She gave me a script for compounded inositol.  Having supplements compounded is an Australian thing - since most of them are not available OTC, you can get them as "medical provider only" supplements, and get a script for compounding.  I feel sorry for people with auto-immune or other disorders here who need these supplements, and have to pay $100's a month to get them compounded!  (or pay for the "practitioner only" supplements, which are just as expensive!)

 

(NOTE:  this "practitioner only" tier does have good quality, TGA approved awesome supplements - but they cost 3-10x what they do in America.  So if the American ones are 1/2 as strong, just take 2x as much.  Whatever.  I check all American supplements through Consumer Labs.)

 

Anyhow, the mysterious compounded inositol capsules say only that:  "650 mg Inositol."  My instructions are as follows:  take ONE nightly, for sleep.  Add another earlier in the day (a few weeks later after I found out about reaction / tolerance / etc.).  Add one more PRN, if I feel anxious, crunchy, moody, irritable.  I am now up to 2x a day, afternoon and evening, and I have, on maybe 3-5 occasions, taken a PRN.

 

She does not go in for the "15-25 grams" that I keep hearing about (I haven't read Hoffer on this one).  She says that her 650 mg compounded is very effective, and that I should be able to feel 1-2 capsules.  I have never taken 2 together, I haven't wanted to "feel" them.  BUT, I am sleeping better (even if I'm still severely delayed cycle), and I really really like having something - like Squirrelly said - a security blanket - to take when I'm "extra crunchy."

 

Finally, a "chill pill" for me.  Instead of like, um, you know, drugs.

 

So - overall - I haven't lost any weight.  I have made other lifestyle changes (increased protein 50%, decreased carbs 30%, added HIT to my capacity - still only 3 min a week! - and am looking at how to add more, good fats to my diet).  No weight loss, and I've been having a lot of pain, which maybe be due to the HIT or not.  I will not get blood results back until sometime in July/August.  I will try and remember to report then.

 

I do not know what 15 g of this stuff feels like.  I will not be recommending 15 g of it anywhere, to anyone, regardless of what the interwebs say.  But I reckon in between my "compounded inositol capsules" (have I been duped?) and my sunflower lecithin, it "feels good."  My psychotherapist says she cannot recommend my supplement regime to anyone, but to keep doing what I'm doing, because psychologically, anyway, she loves the results.

 

So - it's mysterious, but also seems helpful.  Does not seem to be reactive for me.  My compounding chemist filled the whole 3 months supply at once to save me about $30/month (I guess he can do that on supplements).  I will copy this post over into my own thread, too.

[JanCarol]

So - I have a new tapering metaphor.

 

It's winter here in Sunny Queensland, and while it is milder than most folks' winters, it's enough that we use blankets on the couch, and oh, my, does the cat love a blanket with a lap under it!

 

In my case, because of hip and knee pain, it's a pillow under my knees with a blanket over my lap.  She especially loves the soft fleecy microfiber "throws."

 

So - she settles in while we watch TV, and when it's bedtime, it's heartbreaking to take this snoozing, comfortable cat and relocate her.

 

So we've developed the art of "cat tapering."  This is gently stuffing the blankets around her to make a nest, and s-l-o-w-l-y shifting the lap underneath so that she doesn't notice it's missing.  If you go too fast, or move suddenly, the cat wakes up, gets up, and it's game over.

 

A good cat taper leaves her asleep on the pillow, surrounded by the blanket, and she knows you're gone, but is too comfortable to care.

 

Cat = nervous system (she's a perfect metaphor for a nervous system - reactive, unpredictable, likes things a certain way, and has been known to lash out - bite and scratch - when she has fear!)

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

"Cat Tapering", lololol!

 

I love it and exactly right!

 

(They really do rule the roost sometimes, don't they?)

[Shep]

 

 

Cat = nervous system (she's a perfect metaphor for a nervous system - reactive, unpredictable, likes things a certain way, and has been known to lash out - bite and scratch - when she has fear!)

 

You have a great way with words, Jan. 

 

I don't currently have any pets, but many years ago I rescued a feral cat and named her Shadow.  She would run and hide in the closet at anything unpredictable - a guest at the door, a different brand of cat food, a weird commercial on TV. For some reason, I just had a Shadow "flashback". I can relate to so much of this. 

 

For so many reasons, Cat is a perfect metaphor. 

[JanCarol]

To continue the metaphor:  the blankets and pillows are the supports - the meditation, the "tricks" the toolkit that keep her thinking she is safe, while I taper my body out from under her.

 

2 nights successful cat tapering in a row!  

 

and Shep - like your Shadow - you never know what is going to set her off.  A cough, a noise, a smell, a breeze, the wrong food.  A LOT like our nervous systems!

[Shep]

I found something interesting, Jan.

 

Binaural: Cat Purr ASMR 432hz + 528hz @ Theta/Gamma = Calm, Comfort, Healing

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UVZZ3S8TDPU

 

Thought it could be a comforting, non-drug method of "cat tapering" - for you and the cat.

 

That really is a relaxing video. 

[JanCarol]

Thanks Shep - 

 

I've fallen down a Pixar rabbit hole - and this little PTSD sheep looks like so many of us feel when we've been robbed of - whatever it was - they robbed us of:

 

and then - I've fallen in Lava (which is going great for my ukulele lessons):

 

I'll listen to the cat later tonight.  Maybe I can figure out how to get the binaural purring going on the tablet, which is near her nest (I took a picture of a fully tapered cat last night, but she woke up for the picture - thus ruining the "concept" of the undisturbed, fully tapered cat!),

[JanCarol]

OK I was looking at my "schedule."  

 

I want to add a new thing (or two) to my life.  The karate group, and the ukulele group.  Maybe I need to get better at the ukulele before I take it among people.  This is my year of "saying yes" - but saying yes in a way that I keep GOING, not crash and burn.

 

"Normals" look at me and think I am normal, but I do half the stuff in twice the time.  I have a few productive hours per day, and 2-3 of them are dedicated to "hubby time" (as you will see)

 

So I thought I would map it out.  On my Cat Club site, we call this "underwear."  "What did you do today?  Nothing too small, even if all you did was change your underwear, then you have had a productive day."

 

Here I will call it "Balls in the Air" for juggling things.  Like in the cartoon on the last page - at some point, there is a limit to how many balls even the best juggler can keep in the air....right now, I think I'm right at my limit.

 

There is probably more, but this is what I came up with just thinking about it today:

 

BALLS IN THE AIR:

 

** - I’m aspiring to this but falling short

* - I’m not doing this but want to add it somehow

 

Daily:

Sun Walk

Take Supplements

Check in to SA

Play a game

Learn something

Read something

Feed cat

“Hubby Time” (dinner, watching movies together)

Say something kind to hubby

Do something kind for cat

 

 

Almost Daily:

Brush hair

Brush cat

HIT intervals

Wheat Packs

Leg muscle work – rehab knee

Post on SA – Mod

Cook something

**CES BioTuner

**Brush Teeth

**practice ukulele

 

 

Weekly:

Laundry

Mag bath / shower / wash hair

Yoga class

Raw Food Smoothie

Tai Chi Class

Physio

Movie reviews with hubby

Talk to a friend

Shopping / errands

Post on SA – self

Coloring

*Karate (2 hours class!)

 

 

Fortnightly:

Laundry

Meet with a friend

Acupuncture

Massage

Hand Physio

* - Ukulele social club

Cat box

 

 

Monthly:

Shamanism class

Fill Supplement trays

Check into United Cats

Psychologist – Couples

Date night – movie or play

SA local lunch

 

 

Six-monthly to Annually

Psychiatrist

GP

Travel with Hubby

 

 

Annually to tri-annually

Ophthalmologist

Mammogram

Colorectal surgeon (I may not go back for awhile)

Eyeglasses

Hearing Aids

American Taxes

 

* * *

So - even though I don't do any of the Australian finances, or cook all the meals, or even bathe every day - it still feels like a lot of balls.  It also shows how small I sometimes have to break my task list down, in order to keep going.  Each thing is, well, a thing.  And there is balance in the list itself.  I don't tick it off like an OCD thing, I just keep going and try to keep my eyes steady with these balls and plates spinning above me.  (in reality, 3 balls is my limit, and really, they should be bean bags because they are more forgiving for juggling)

[btdt]

I should make a list maybe the days would not run together so much great Idea Jan... love the cat tapering  

 

"shifting the lap underneath so that she doesn't notice it's missing."

I would like to sneak out on wd so it does not notice I am missing and just escape this ... yes magical thinking is at play.. 

peace

[btdt]

ps I looked up sunflower lecithin... found this comment about a liquid now brand.

 

"I use this to make my own lypospheric Vitamin C at home as a more affordable alternative to intravenous Vitamin C. This way it's much more effectively absorbed so I can take high doses without reaching bowel tolerance. It's been very successful in lowering inflammation - and since taking it, I have also noticed a definite improvement in my quality of sleep, (a positive and unexpected bonus.) I love that it's extracted from sunflowers seeds (GMO free) and is reasonably priced. I'd be lost without it. If only this product was certified organic - then it would be perfect!"  

 

It could be helping you sleep... I use sunflower vit E I like it better than the previous brand too.. I wonder what else they can make out of sunflowers...

[JanCarol]

The trick to Underwear Juggling:

 

Not to beat yourself up when you fall short.

 

Today I did not:  Call my sister (who is in hospital), make it to tai chi class, get up before noon.

 

But I DID:  do one round of tai chi in the park while hubby did HIT (my HIT has changed, due to injury, I must do it on elliptical or rebounder if I want to save my hip), and talk to a friend in distress late last night.  I posted on SA here as a member and elsewhere as a mod.  

 

So the focus is on what I HAVE done (clean underwear) not the balls I've dropped (dirty underwear).

 

B - here's what I wonder about sunflower anything - they tell us that the seed oils are "bad for us" and contribute to Alzheimers, cancer, cholesterol, inflammation, all manner of ills.  So why am I taking it in a gel-cap?  How is the "sunflower lecithin" different from the sunflower oils that I'm supposed to avoid?

 

(I do like sunflowers & sunflower seeds, though)

 

NOTE TO SHEP:  Cat did not like binaural beats version of cat purrs, but she did like just plain cat purring:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CY7t8ow2gOM

[scallywag]

JC: I did some training for several years that grounded me -- well mostly -- that there's nothing wrong with me or a situation if I haven't done what I said I would do. All that happened was I said I would do "X" by time "Y" and I didn't do "X" by time "Y". The Spock-like logic of this appeals to me. If the underwear I'm juggling hits the floor, it's hit the floor. Pick it up and put it in the mix again.

[Shep]

 

NOTE TO SHEP:  Cat did not like binaural beats version of cat purrs, but she did like just plain cat purring:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CY7t8ow2gOM

 

 

Hi, Jan.

 

I wonder if cats need a different frequency maybe? 

 

Thanks for the link. That cat looks a lot like my Shadow, only Shadow didn't have the white stripe - she was solid black. Very feral and very mysterious. 

 

Sending healing vibes your way. 

[ang]

Say something nice to hubby

DO something nice for cat                       rofl     oh you have brightened up myday   xxx

 

haha a productive day is changing underwear    so so true,  I am in tears, not sure if laughter or not yet,  oh dear, better go and change  

[ang]

Always, always look on the bright side of everything.     Not bathing, saves on water and power,   power bills much less.        Not changing clothes, or just wearing dressing gown all day,  well all you have to wash at the end of the week is one dressing gown, and if you cant manage this, so what,  save on more power, water and detergent..........and ""x""  ie very few pairs of underwear. One pair a week, and wow,  got enough underwear to last months!   Not going out, ever, saves on fuel costs of my car, and my car is so low on mileage for its age!   Unlike me.  

 

I am so lacking in affection, my cats just bother my son,  he feeds them now.

 

And damn it, I have given in, stress less,   who cares, how I look?   I have enough demons in my own brain to worry about.

[JanCarol]

Hey Ang, thanks for stopping by.  Glad you got a laugh.

 

You maybe have no idea how hard it is to be kind to hubby.  Sometimes that is the greatest challenge of the day - especially if it feels like my plate is full already, I get very impatient with him.

 

Tonight, 3-4 of my closest friends are in deep, scary, possibly life-changing (well for a couple of them, anyway) waves.

 

Yoga hurt, like my joints were weak and snappy.  Time to check the thyroid again.  Or, perhaps, as yoga teacher said, I am just rheumy from the cold.

 

And I ask, am I in a wave?  I'm in a dip, certainly, but it doesn't feel like a wave.  Not even a "press."   Just a dip.  If I shift gears down, and keep pedalling, I think I can make this hill.

[JanCarol]

Everyone needs a jackalope to come along and tell us - hey - you need to be bounding!  (or re-bounding!)  ^ref Pixar cartoon above^

 

Anyhow, not all pain, not all suffering is withdrawal related.

 

I've been struggling a lot this past week.  Gave up the wind sprints - seemed to cause a new problem in "that there tendon between hip socket and leg" (sorry, I keep hearing the anatomic word from practitioners, but cannot remember it to save my life!).  I've tried to do some HIT on the elliptical machine or rebounder (mini trampoline) but because I'm ALONE doing that, instead of doing it with hubby (I still help him with his sprints, at the end of my sun-walk, where I get in a sunny round of t'ai chi, barefoot, on grass = YES!).  It's harder to motivate when it's just me.  He'll time my HIT if I ask, but it's up to me to GET OUT OF MY CHAIR and DO IT.  At least, with elliptical and rebounder, I can do it to music.  But instead of 5 days a week, it's more like 2.  Plus, I'm in too much pain to do it now, anyway.

 

Additionally,  on rebounder, I got a nice 20 min "Just Bounce" session in to a YouTube video by Remy Draaijer from Bellicon.  It was really really good - it had 3 HITs in it, plus nice stretches to warm up and cool down.  I could do yoga on it - like Camel and Child's pose - that I cannot do on the floor.

 

But the Pain - that was the point of this post - why am I hurting so much?  When do I dare to go to a doctor with this pain?  I know, they will just look at cortisone injections, or (egads) lyrica or cymbalta, or if it persists they will start talking about things like nerve blocks or surgery.  What's the point of complaining then?  I suppose, in extreme circumstances, all weird pain should be checked for cancer (there are some cases of bone cancer that were mistaken for "arthritis pain.") but at what point is that catastrophizing?

 

Well, I'm tired of it.  I was at acupuncture today, and she is good, and gentle, and worked on my pain, and I realized there would be no yoga in my life today.  She recommended a mag bath, maybe I will do a little soak before bed tonight, to see if it helps me sleep through the night.  I'm using a lot of wheat packs.  I'm even afraid of going to physio tomorrow, but if I tell him "no touch," he will respect that.

 

Anyhow, I figured it out.

 

Maybe.

 

Well maybe not - but there's this:  I HAVE A SINUS INFECTION, you know globby glommy sinuses and infection on my throat.  I'm probably in extra pain as I fight that sinus infection.

 

There's this immune system / inflammation / pain connection.  They give us cortisol for pain because it lowers auto-immune response.  But if I am fighting a REAL infection then, well.  It makes sense that I would hurt extra, eh?

 

So - not withdrawal flu, not even flu.  Just an ordinary run-of-the-mill sinus infection.  (and honestly, I think it's been years since I last had one - so I'm miles better than I used to be, as far as sinus / allergy / infection management goes)

 

IF I am still having this level of pain once the infection is gone, okay, I'll get it looked at.  But it's kind of pointless until then, and I am in treatment - acupuncture and physio - anyway.  (and if it were bone cancer, my physio and acupuncturist might feel abnormalities as they palpate the area - so far - it feels like a normal, inflamed hip)

 

My mission, should I choose to accept it - is to CONQUER this sinus infection without resorting to antibiotics like I always do.  I think, with eucalyptus steam and baths, and garlic, horseradish, vitamin c, peroxide gargles & colloidal silver, I can beat this.  And wheat packs for my poor hip.

 

I already feel a little better knowing it's not necessarily degenerative arthritis or any catastrophic thing.  Just an infection that's making me hurt extra.

[scallywag]

2 HIIT sessions a week is great!  I don't know which program I read -- maybe Mark Sisson's Primal Fitness (marksdailyapple dotcom) -- but sprints or HIIT are recommended once or twice a week. All you have to do is say you're doing that program.

[JanCarol]

LOL Scallywag, I'll bet those sessions are at least 30 secs of HIT.  x 3 HIT's per session,  The show I saw, the goal was 6 min a week.  (plus warm ups, stretches, cool downs)

 

I do 10 sec HIT, been working toward 15 secs, 3 HITs per session..  So maybe a minute a week, a minute +1/2 at most.  (I was up to 3.25 minutes when my hip crashed!)

 

The goal is 6 min per week.

 

So - I'm still not "in the zone" with 2 HIT's a week.  Not by a long shot.  That's 1/6 of the way....

 

but - we koalas, we have to go at our own pace.  And right now, floored by pain, that's not happening.  I'm all about wheat packs now, not HIT.

 

Why did we ever have to come down from the trees? This standing upright is rough stuff!

[JanCarol]

Okay, I've dropped most of my balls, I'm lying on the floor with all those balls bouncing around me. 

 

And yet, I've managed to retain a few.  Maybe 3 sun-walks a week (it's harder in the cold)

Late for - but keeping all of my appointments

Supplements, meals

Hubby-time

Kindness to cat (I'm less sure about kindness to hubby)

 

So now comes the mindfulness, the simplicity.

 

Let them go, let them all fall away, it's time to rest.  I think I'm over the worst of the infection, but I recover much more slowly than a "normal."  Do I need to sleep for a week?  That may be the case.  I thought that the extra nap I took yesterday would cover it, but here I am, having slept until 2 pm today, and I could go back to bed again now.

 

So I wait.  I keep the bare minimum to feel human (taking supplements, kindness to cat, eating, trying to move as much as I can stand without wearing myself out), and wait.  And wait some more.  

 

It's like a hold, but it's a hold on all of my healing activities, a conservation of resources.  I used to call it "caving" - going inside the cave, for a little hibernation.  It is winter here, but not so extreme as an Indiana winter.  

 

It's fine, it's not a wave, it's not suffering, it's more of a stop, a rest, a waiting time.  I'll feel like "doing" again soon.  Right now, I guess it's more about "being."  Do-be-do-be-do.

[Shep]

Your writing has a "meditative" vibe to it, Jan. I like the entire concept of "kindness to cat". And the concept of "caving".  It has a more open and natural feel to it than the closed-minded "label" of agoraphobia or some other psychiatric construct. 

 

I think many of us can relate to "caving" during withdrawal and recovery.  My dp/dr creates a tunnel vision effect and the visual of "caving" comes to mind as a way of taking emotional shelter even when I'm outside of my apartment.  The mind is a powerful protective force, a source of home, of "cave", wherever we go and wherever we are in the "being". 

 

Sending healing vibes your way. I hope you're feeling better soon. 

[JanCarol]

Christopher Reeve and Robin Williams were best mates.  They met at Juilliard.

 

Both, incredibly talented.  Both, athletes in their own right.

 

Reeve, the fine specimen of a man, beautiful in face and body - got thrown into the "leading man" position, while Williams went to sink-or-swim comedy.

 

But you can see that Reeve has quite the comedic presence - he does a bit of Schtick in "Somewhere in Time" (I just watched this, the inspiration for the post), and his role as Clark Kent has physical, verbal humour and timing.  But he could hold down the stage and drama as well, proven by Deathtrap, a charming little gem worth viewing, or Remains of the Day, or Rear Window.  Even if it's only to look at Christopher Reeve, whole and hale.  I cry a little to see these films, when he was young and beautiful.

 

In the blink of an eye, his beautiful athletic body was taken down.  The crash of a horse, the smashing of vertebrae, and he never walked again.  Never gave up, though.  Always fought for himself and others.

 

Williams went to visit him in bed (I also recently watched his "Inside the Actor's Studio" interview) - he was not in a coma, but was not very responsive either.  He saw his good friend stretched out on the bed, unable to move, and who had not responded since the accident. Chris' wife said, they were thinking of pulling the plug, they just couldn't imagine that Chris wanted to stay like this.  Robin immediately did what he did best - set out to make his friend laugh.  He worked that room for at least an hour, riffing, doing his stuff - until he saw flickers of recognition and a smile from his beloved friend.  His persistence saved his friend's life that day.  This may have been what inspired Williams to do "Patch Adams."

 

So Christopher Reeve became the REAL superman, continuing to live and thrive and get better in the face of an impossible existence.  He even directed a film, featuring a paraplegic's story, "The Brooke Ellison Story."  

 

One day Robin went over, and Chris said to him:  "LOOK!  I can do THIS!" and he moved his pinky finger.  They had hope, the two of them, that with stem cell treatment, Chris might regain some of his function.  Sadly, this did not happen.

 

Robin, looked around him with all of his own success - by then, he, who had been the "lesser" of the two stars when they met had become greater, more successful, and more afraid.  He dove into drugs and depression.  Nobody really knows how deep that went.  Were the drugs to cope with the pain of watching his friend suffer?  Or just to cope with the pain of celebrity, and the insecurities of success? 

 

Were the depressions as a result of the pain?  Or were there predispositions that caused him to self-medicate?

 

He did use psych drugs to help with his addiction, it had to feel so difficult while his best friend was unable to use his body, and yet - Williams battled. He kept trying to resist the psych drugs, as they directly affected his creativity, and said so in interviews.  "I don't like them.  Give Prozac to a cat and it just sits in the corner and says, 'Me.'"  

 

Perhaps it was the psych drugs which inflicted the Parkinsonism which was causing him to lose his instruments - control of his body, his face, his voice, too.  Perhaps it was the psych drugs which ultimately drove him over the edge, or perhaps it was the despair of all the things he wanted yet to do, and he couldn't face one more battle. Or maybe he just missed the inspiration of his best friend, who was no longer with him. We'll never know for sure.  Only that his life, too, was too short.

 

He said in the Actor's Studio interview (2001), when asked, "What is your best work?"  

"I don't think I have done it yet.  I like to think it is still coming, that I have my best work still in me."

 

He must have given up when he no longer felt that.  

 

It's like 2 rising stars, best friends  The beautiful one loses his body, and the super smart one loses his mind.  It's a cruel joke, but a deep friendship - and an inspiration to all of us who think we are suffering, that we know what it is like to struggle.  Watch late life footage of Reeve in his chair, striving to make speeches and create.  And how positive his attitude, his words, his choices - he never gave up.

 

Their children remain friends, and work together on various charities.

 

This has no relevance to my story, it's just a story I put together after looking at these two men's amazing lives over this past week. 

 

A story which inspires me.  A deep friendship between men.

[apace41]

Beautiful, JC.  Very well written and very thoughtful.

 

We never know where this journey will take us and how we will travel along that road.  Our task is to figure out how to make the most of the places we stop along the way.

 

Best,

 

Andy