success ☼ JanCarol: Reboxetine first, then lithium

[JanCarol]

Thanks for that, Peng.  My osteopath is a certified chiropractor in Ireland - but - it's just one of about a zillion qualifications he has, he is licensed MD in Australia, US, and EU, licensed osteopath in EU, and I think the chiro is just a thing he picked up along the way.

 

But he "asks my body" - I can feel him asking my body - to see what is okay.  And there are no dramatic (traumatic!) crunches.

 

Lots to write about tonight.  First, I was assaulted on TV by a "Mind Body" program on SBS, where the psychiatrists are telling you that your mental disorders can make you physically sick.  I haven't watched the whole thing, but so far - no mention of the drugs these people are taking for their "mental disorders" that would also make them sick.  Here's the show, here:  http://www.sbs.com.au/ondemand/video/754554435974/insight-mind-versus-body

 

* * *

Next, I wanted to talk about insomnia.  I've been sleeping okay, but some nights are rougher than others.  This happened this week.

 

It was after 3, and I really needed to get to bed, even if just to lay there.  I find that if I lay there, with my MP3 meditations and soft music, I will fall asleep in 30 min or less.

 

So - in order to sleep, I have my "sleep headband," which is a blindfold with speakers inside, so I can listen to music.  I have a pillow for between my knees for knee and hip pain.  I have gloves and socks to keep my hands and feet warm - even though it's not cold, I sleep better with socks and soft gloves.  I also have a pillow for my chest, to keep my shoulders from collapsing in.  (and of course a pillow for my head).  The light in the bedroom is very soft when I crawl into bed.

 

I have to play MP3's because hubby's CPAP is irregular and intrusive, and I need to mask it with music.  I have 2 MP3 players with similar programs on them, one old, one new (but the menus are in Chinese, so if it gets stuck on a track it's hard to fix).  So, I put lotion on my hands and feet, lanolin on my lips, put my headband on, and lay down to sleep.

 

Oh yes, I also need a warm clay pack to wrap around my hip or lumbar/sacral area, if I am in extreme pain, in order to sleep - so I have to heat that in the microwave and bring it to bed, too.

 

I get everything lined up, gloves and headband on, when the railroad tracks outside my house start to roar.  They are grinding and redistributing gravel with an engine that sounds like a factory - just outside my window.  I can't close the window, or I would overheat.  "Track work."  They always do it in the middle of the night, when unsuspecting people are sleeping - but wondering why their sleep is so disturbed.  I don't know how to rate decibels, but it was louder than a rock concert.  

 

Alright.  I'm prepared for this.  I have noise-cancelling in-ear ear-buds, very good quality.  They have better fidelity than my headband earphones, and will block out excessive noise like this.   I don't wear them often, because they hurt my ears, but I can use them in a pinch, like this.  I put them in, and beautiful.  They block out the construction going on - at 3 am - outside my bedroom window.

 

Okay, I've had a bit of a cortisol spike by this time, but some deep breathing, gentle meditation or meditation music should take care of this, if I just go with it.  

 

Then the battery on MP3 #2 goes dead.  Well, with the construction outside my window, I have to switch back to MP3 #1.  That's fine, I keep a spare one charged exactly for occasions like this.  Cortisol spikes again, as I switch from the Chinese player back to my old player - but I need to set the volume and timer on it before I can let go and go back to sleep.

 

And you know what colour the screen is on the old MP3 is, don't you?  BLUE LIGHT.  Spike spike spike.  Because its an old player, the controls are fiddly and it always takes a minute to select: sleep for 60 minutes, and an appropriate volume.

 

It was on one of my favourite tracks from Max Richter's "Sleep," so if I could only surrender, I would get there.

 

By now it is 3:30 am, I've had 3 cortisol spikes, just trying to go to sleep.  But yes, with the painful noise cancelling earplugs I get to listen to my favourite music and do fall asleep by 4 am.

 

Just an example of all of the complicated things about "how to get to sleep" for me.

 

Another story coming up about my fitness.

[JanCarol]

So, on a coupon, I got a month of gym membership for $8.  It's a gorgeous gym, backed up against parklands, with the most amazing cardio room - not only do they have treadmills, bikes, recumbant bikes, hand-mill bikes (like a physio would have) they have rowing machines, and kayak machines.

 

But I'm there for circuit training, to do some simple weight bearing exercises to help build my stamina, and rehabilitate some of my hip and knee pain.  Support.  They have all the machines I need, and more, if I'm willing to do free-weights and kettle bells.  They even have speed bags and heavy bags (outdoors, so I can look at trees while I beat the crap out of a heavy bag!).

 

I have some travel coming up, and the voucher expired soon, so I signed up today, for a workout today.  It all went so well.  Upper body, leg work, I found my way around the equipment just fine, the explanations on the machines were excellent.  The plan was to go every Wednesday for the next month (that comes out to $2 a workout!) to build a little more stamina, improve my stress response, and maybe help with some of my pain.

 

Until I got to the slant boards (for abs).  They had 2 of them, one was for leg lifts, and one was for curls/crunches.  I decided, after trying the leg lift ones, that this old lady was going to lower the slant board so that it wasn't so demanding, and I might get up to 100 crunches.  But I couldn't figure out how the adjustments worked, and when I did, I pulled the lever out, and the weight of the thing slammed down onto my left (good) hand.  In less than 2 seconds, I had damaged myself.  Again.  

 

MY BODY IN SPACE.  I can't take me anywhere!  My first day back at the gym and I now have an injury which may preclude karate and yoga, too.  After tonight, I will see in the morning if I think I need x-rays.

 

I was making such progress, and I thought adding some gentle weightlifting, with breathing, would help my adrenals & stress response, strengthen my muscles, and get me ready for some of the heavy duty travel we have coming up.  I thought that 4 workouts for $8 was a very fair price.

 

And now I have a scraped, bruised, swollen hand - my "good hand."  

 

It's embarrassing, and frustrating!  I had to fill out paperwork too.  My first day at the gym, and I come up with an ugly abrasion/bruise - and possible broken bones in the hand.

 

My options at this point are - to get to a clinic early tomorrow to find out if it's broken, or to wait until I go to my hand physio to see if she thinks I need x-rays.  

 

It's an accident, I know.  But geez, I just spent 20 months rehabilitating my right hand.  Now I've got the left one to deal with!  My pride is hurt, and my practice may be suffering a setback - just when I was getting my stride, and enjoying everything I was doing.

 

At least I can do tai chi, still, I guess.

 

I'll evaluate what to do in the morning.  This afternoon, when it happened, I thought I might not even be able to type, but that seems to be better now.  (lots of ice.  And ice - immediately - I keep instant ice in the first aid kit in the car)

 

Pouting, but okay.  JC

 

one more post about the unexpected miracles of trauma release.

[JanCarol]

Yep, hurt my hand.  Was holding the ice pack on it and trying to drive home, when Jon Anderson "Animation" came on.  It is his story of his daughter being born, of being there for the birth, and the amazing wonder of human life - "I wondered at this divine animation of life, as the moment her eyes opened wide, I could see - this was her first day, was her first sound - time stood still, brought my knees to the ground!"

 

So I'm driving to the chemist to buy replacement instant ice packs (I always have several around), and I'm trying to sing along with this, one of my favourite pieces of music from the late 80's.

 

I have the trauma on my hand.

 

And then I have the trauma from the fact that my voice was removed with my thyroid.  No more clear bell-tones, only croaks and squawks as I try to sing along, try to capture the amazing emotion contained in this song.

 

Trauma 1 + Trauma 2 + the topic of the song:  the birth of a child. Add Trauma 3, that I never had a child, never felt safe enough to breed, never had a partner who I would raise a child with.

 

And there it was.

 

In the car.

 

Listening to music, and the tears come.  I still try to sing, but the strangled squawking that comes out - well, it's a good thing I'm alone in the car.

 

Feeling all these traumas together - the new traumas bringing up the old ones, the fact that I never was, and never will be, "Mother."  And I thought about that lost pregnancy when I was 16, what if it was a baby girl, like the one in the song, with perfect fingers and toes and an amazing curiosity for animation, for life?  

 

By the time I got home, my ego was bruised, my hand was hurting, I was frustrated that I can no longer sing - but - a sweet spot inside had mourned, fully mourned, the child I never had.

 

You never know when a trauma contains a gift.  You have to go with it, through it, in order to find these amazing moments.

[peggy]

dear sweet Jan, I just popped in to catch up on SA and read your updates..

 

you and I seem to have the same struggles with injury at a time when our bodies are just taking leaps and bounds - we have to stop and recalibrate.  I do hope your hand recovers without too many setbacks.

 

peeling the layers off the onion is bittersweet - but so necessary - how funny is life that we spend our childhood, teen and early adult years layering the onion and then our later years peeling them off again?

[Shep]

 

peeling the layers off the onion is bittersweet - but so necessary - how funny is life that we spend our childhood, teen and early adult years layering the onion and then our later years peeling them off again?

 

 

Peggy, that is such a great way of describing this. We see this happen again and again with people as they "peel" away the drugs, to add to your analogy. Removing the drugs sometimes uncovers these hidden layers that were numbed down. Coming alive again is sometimes a painful process. 

 

Jan, I hope your hand is feeling better soon, as I know staying active as much as possible is one of your many great non-drug coping skills to get through this. 

 

Sending healing vibes your way. 

[AliG]

Oh Jan. So sorry about your hand .    Did you get the X- rays ?  How are you feeling now ?  Hopefully, It's a minor setback on your recovery journey. 

Hugs,

Ali

[JanCarol]

OK, sorry that took so long, didn't mean for you to worry:  hand is not broken, in fact X-rays of hand look beautiful!  I want to make a copy of them and colour them, they are so beautiful!

 

The hand physio studied the x-rays - it was good to get them, if only for her to look at them.  She studied them much more carefully than the doctor did.  She gave me a fancy wrap that looks like a tattoo, called a "double octopus"

 

Peggy, I hope you are not too injured at the moment!  What you say about the Trauma Onion is so true!

 

I'm working so hard on that "injury / pain / depression / emotional / mental / physical" loop - knowing that they all feed each other, and if I can just support the process, I'll age and die anyway (whups, depression thinking!).

 

So if I can just support the process, I'll come to a place of peace with the process, even if my body, emotions and mind still struggle.

 

Tea is on the table (that's supper, to Americans) - thanks for checking in!

[Shep]

I'm glad to hear your hand isn't broken. That's an interesting looking wrap. I've never seen anything like it, but I hope the extra support is helping. 

 

Sending healing vibes and as you say, I hope you see the sun today. 

[JanCarol]

***** GOING TO THE MOVIES BEYOND PSYCH DRUGS *****

 

You know the feeling - the latest blockbuster or fun movie - your friend or partner wants you to go, and you'd like to go too.  But when you get to the movie theatre, it stinks, you hear every bite of all the popcorn, all the crinkly packages, all the smacking lips, coughs and phone ringing.  The howling children is all too much. The chairs are too close together, my back is crying in pain after 2 hours sitting, and what is that smell/texture on the left corner of your seat?  Your feet stick to the floor, and the scent of mold fills the theatre.  The movie itself is too fast, with superfast cuts that leave your mind gaping for the next plot device.  The music is too loud, the dialogue too soft and mumbly and the special effects explosions shake you out of your chair.  The emotional manipulation of the soundtrack is overwhelming, and you cry and shake and hope you can survive without collapsing into a useless bowl of jelly. Your cortisol spikes, again and again, pushed by all of the things they've put into the movie to make it like a carnival ride...dizzying, dropping, clenching, is this fun? You leave the movie theatre thinking:  I used to enjoy this.  What happened?  And:  I will not be doing this again anytime soon.

 

That's a movie theatre on drugs and in withdrawal.  (granted I've described an old large chains which are the stinky sticky ones with the mold)

 

In order to share movies with my husband, since that is one of "our things," we have resorted to going to old people showings at a Council Performing Arts Centre (which is delightful, because old people really know how to have a good time at a movie.  It's rip-roaring awesome, even if we do miss 1/3 of the dialogue on the poor sound system), or, at an elite cinema called "The Blue Room," where you sit in cushy recliner chairs with ottoman footrests, and get table service - beverage and dinner - while you watch the movie.  These tickets cost a little more, and they are across town - but with sale price tickets & food, the date is about AU$50.  It is clean and pleasant, but as a result, we only go to a few first run movies a year.  Cinderella, with Cate Blanchett, was the last one we saw there.  But their menu is not a Gluten / Dairy free menu (Italian fare) - it's got a few items, but who wants a salad everywhere they go?  (and paying $20 for a salad - I refuse to do it!)

 

So - I wish to share with you a delightful movie experience.  The movie was "Captain Fantastic" about a heathen man trying to raise his six kids in a survivalist wild setting, and training them to be fighters, hunters, and philosophers of the woods.  When his wife dies (sadly, I had cortisol spike over that for she died of "not enough serotonin in her brain" "bipolar" suicide.  Grrrr.) he has to take the kids to civilisation and expose them to Mrikan "culture," their cousins, and it turns in to a "rescue Mom to fulfill her Will" mission.

 

We decided to try a new cinema, down by the Cruise Terminal.  We were worried about parking (we shouldn't have been), and the drive there was about 35 minutes.  We got 4 hours free parking with our movie ticket, so we could've had dinner, too (the restaurants around there are quite posh, and smelled delicious!). 

 

We walked into the cinema, and it was as nice - or nicer! as the Blue Room.  The seats, while not recliners, were 1.5 the size of regular cinema seats, with comfortable cushioned padding on the sides, neck, and lumbar.  Drink holders (but not on every seat).  No table service (no tables) but it smelled fresh and clean.  There were only about 40 seats in the room, all of them good seats, not too close or far away.

 

We sat down and relaxed.  Relaxed!  In a movie theatre.  Quiet whispers as people filed in on a Sunday afternoon.  (bonus:  we got 2 tickets for $10!)  It was new, and we were placed perfectly for the screen. (yes, I did hear crinkly packages and popcorn crunches, but once I got immersed in the film, that was no longer an issue.)

 

The previews and ads came on, and I began to realize:  I was seeing colours like I hadn't done in ages!  It was almost like the old days of "tripping," the colors were so bright and pleasing, and the sound system was beautiful and smooth.  As the movie came up, and the scenes of the beautiful mountain home of this family and my breath was taken away.  I was breathing with the deer, I could feel the tension of the young boy, the conflict in his older brother - the struggling of the father to keep it all together.  OMG!

 

I - CAN - FEEL!!!!!!

 

I am loving the richness of my sensory input right now - and this was a good film in which to do it.  (another one, which we saw with the old people, a New Zealand film - also awesome - "Hunt for the Wilderpeople - had amazing scenery).  

 

The music - was like pleasurable movement through my body via my ears and sometimes across my skin. delightful without pumping out the dripping manipulation which always raises my ire.  The acting was excellent, and every conflict, emotion, relationship was reflected in my own life and being.   I still missed about 20% of the dialogue, even with hearing aids - but this cinema has sessions of "subtitled for hearing impaired" if I want to get up earlier!  (Caveat - this was not an action film with fast cuts, booming music and lots of gunfire or explosions).

 

It was a rich feast for all my senses, and there was laughter and joy.

 

I left feeling uplifted and happy.

 

OMG.  I can go to the movies again!

 

It does get better.

[ChessieCat]

"It was a rich feast for all my senses, and there was laughter and joy.

 

I left feeling uplifted and happy.

 

OMG.  I can go to the movies again!

 

It does get better."

 

Love this bit of your story!  Gave me the warm and fuzzies and made me smile.

[JanCarol]

Today, I got discharged from the Hand Occupational Therapy Clinic.

 

All better!

 

That's one less professional I need to see to maintain my crumbling body! 

 

(now to keep my body in space - from future "accidents")

[AliG]

Jan. That is another step forward !    As the " professionals" are fired and/ or not needed then your own inherent intuition can " come to the fore " which can eventually make them superfluous.

Then, you can truly become your own intuitive healer and look to yourself for the answers. They are always there. Just have to look. I know you have. 

It's exciting. Many possibilities.

Hugs,

Ali

[Shep]

Jan, your movie story was so beautiful! I can't wait to experience that full sensory awakening of healing. Thank you for sharing it with us.

 

And congrats on the hand healing, too. That was a quick recovery, which also speaks to how well you're doing now.

 

Keep doing what you're doing. 

[peng]

Yes, a well-written, probably unforgettable account, done for those of us who care to read it. 

 

Best wishes!

[JanCarol]

So - today - ended my 14 year relationship with my psychotherapist.

 

She looked at me, and at hubby (we've been doing couples, since he had his stroke)

 

he said the words, "I am happy."

 

She flushed with pleasure, and we danced around the phrase - so that's it then?  We're done?

 

Yep.  We're done.

 

Another professional that I can walk away from.  I trust her and would go back to her, in grief or need.  Today she was bemoaning what is happening to the social lives of children and adolescents whose development is stunted by these drugs.  She was a champion in my corner with helping me to get my psychiatrist to agree to my tapering plans.  She went to see Whitaker when he came to town (envy!!!)

 

So - that's 4 professionals discontinued this year.  2 professionals this week!  All that's left is the good stuff:  acupuncture.  Massage.  and osteopath.

 

I've been wanting to do a 3 year update.  It was nearly 3 years ago now that I found SA and started my tapering journey.  I have until Oct 9 to hit that anniversary, but heck.  I forgot my Cat's birthday last week - so - as we love to say on SA - "throw out the calendar" and just pay attention!

 

Summary:

 

Sleep - not so severely delayed.  2 am - 12 pm.  I am in bed for 9-10 hours, but sleep only 2  hour shifts.  I got one 4 hour shift this week, and one 3 hour shift, those are really good nights.  Anything can awaken me - hip or knee or back pain, bladder, sinuses, trains, cats, dogs barking, hubby's CPAP.

 

IBS - pretty much gone.  I can eat small amounts of gluten and dairy.  The only food that really strikes fear (and jealousy) into my heart is cheese.  I think I can have softer cheese like Feta - the fresher, the better, but I get nervous around cheese.

 

Mood - stable.  Today I said in psychologist's office:  I never thought I would ever say, "I'm not depressed."  But I am not, and I say it.  In fact, I even say things like, "I'm engaged, dynamic, interested in my life."

 

Pain - variable.  The recent shift to my hips is scary, and I spend a lot of time with heat and ice packs.  I wonder how I will make that 18 hour flight across the Pacific.

 

Headaches - rare.

 

Flashes and Brain Zaps and clicks - rare.  usually when under stress.  Just enough to remind me that my brain has been changed, and enough to remind me of the compassion needed for people in extreme stages of withdrawal.

 

Endocrine - my nails are more flimsy than ever, break off shorter, are deeply ridged both horizontally and vertically.  My hair is a cloud of dandelion fluff that falls out with a puff of wind.  My energy is better, and I am building stamina, but I'm nowhere near = fit (especially cardio), but I still think there are endocrine and metabolism issues that are causing me to lose hair and nails.

 

Weight - as fat as ever.  Maybe lost 2 kilos in the past year.  

 

Metabolic disorder - yep, still terrified of diabetes, still harassed for my cholesterol.  But I'm active, and hopefully staving off those beasts for now.  (and I beat Nutella!  Though I need to be vigilant, you never know when the Nutella Beast will rear its ugly head again!).  I hope to see some improvement on upcoming tests.

 

Uncomfortable heartbeat - can still strike at anytime, and slows me down sometimes.  I'm better able to push through it, but still have fear of crashes, and so take it easy when I get this symptom.  I'd say it is less scary than it was when this journey started, that I am stronger - but - I still have to stop a lot.

 

Activity - I can do 2-3 things a day sometimes.  Sometimes after a physical day I will sleep longer.  My chores have been getting done, though I could do better on brushing my teeth.  I've even worked a little bit, and am more disciplined about working here and on my Shamanism class.  I tend to be better about showing up on time.  WANTING to be somewhere helps me show up on time (though the time-thing is still a stress).

 

social - a little selfish right now.  I think I was more social when I was tapering, because my activity level was so low, I was desperate to get out of the house, see another human face.  Now, I'm busier, and it seems harder to meet up with friends.

 

My year of saying yes is pretty much done.  Saying yes - maybe it wasn't a whole year (throw out the calendar!) but it helped me to build a foundation from which I can create a life.  When I am ready again, I will say Yes to new things again.

It does get better.

[brassmonkey]

Way to go JC!!!!!! Too much good stuff to comment on individually, I'm really excited for you.

 

((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

[JanCarol]

Thank you Brass!

 

I woke up this morning with some additions to the update, but they were whisked away as I put my feet on the floor.

 

So, dear friends:  a conundrum.

 

I've been doing a little 5-7 minute tai chi routine every day in the park.  Barefoot on the earth and grass, facing the sun.  That's great in the wintertime, but it's spring now, which changes things.

 

First of all, Australian grass is never really nice.  I saw some really nice grass yesterday in City at the Warm Memorial.  But I think the Returning Soldiers would be offended if the grass wasn't nice there.  And I can't go to City daily for my tai chi!  If I had not been on a schedule, I was craving to run my toes through that beautiful "people's grass."  - they have put deck chairs out on the lawns, people are welcome to walk on them, lie on them, use them (in fact, the deck chairs keep them from spreading out blankets, which is hard on the grass).

 

My "white trash crabgrass lawn" in Indiana was better grass than I have here.

 

but now that summer has come there are 3 new problems.

 

FIrst, there is bindi-eye (tribulus terristris)

It is everywhere, unaffected by mowing.  

It does this to feet:

 

So anywhere there is sun - there is bindi-eye.  I went to a neighbor's lawn (friendly) and did it there yesterday, until my feet were swarming with ants.  Ants here - um.  Have acid on their feet and sting.  These aren't proper fire ants - but you don't want them anywhere on your body.

 

Then there's the native bee mounds - 

This photo could've been taken in my neighborhood:

 

So, gentle friends, here is my conundrum.

 

Do I do my tai chi on concrete / asphalt?  (and not connect to the earth and grass, but still have the risk of ants?)

Do I carry doeskin moccasins, in the hopes that the bindi-eye won't rip through them? (takes an additional 2-4 minutes to put them on and take them off, as they are too frail for asphalt) 

Do I beg another neighbor with maybe a nicer lawn, if I can do it there?  (I was scouting one today, but they have dogs barking - not the best place for tai chi).

Do I wear sandals?  (still get sun, but no connection to earth and grass or ants and bindi-eye)

Do I do it in the shade, sacrifice the sun, and have fewer bindi-eyes (but still maybe ants and bees?)

 

NOTE:  native Australian bees do not have stingers.  No predators for native bees.  So I'm not worried about stings, just worried about disturbing habitat.

 

It's a nice little practice that I really enjoy, and hate to sacrifice it to the awfulness of the lawns here.  My own yard is "bush" which means - more ants, more bees, lots of shade, and no grass at all.

 

Australia was never meant to have lawns.  It is a twist of conquering culture that people insist on trying.  

[peng]

I just got a bit of artificial lawn done.  It is great nowadays and I put the leftover section in the (carless) garage.  You can buy a few square metres in garden centres, etc.  I love the natural world, but needs must and I have no hangups about it.

[JanCarol]

Hey Peng - your patch of green is beautiful!  But I feel it would defeat the purpose to put plastics between myself and the earth - part of why I do the barefoot on earth thing is to balance my magnetic field, and plastic is an insulator.

 

I have chosen the ants.  In my neighbors front garden (and they are friendly neighbors - they think I am strange and joked about charging me rent for my 7 minutes a day of Tai Chi, but it was friendly & a good laugh).

 

I can brush them off of me (unlike the bindi-eye), and I can sometimes determine the lines the ants are walking.

 

While I do my tai chi there - I can watch the native bees on the clover (no stings, such beautiful creatures!), and look a their beautiful garden.  If I am mindful, when I inhale,  can smell the fragrances of their beautiful plants.  The purple-white blossoms smell like a cross between jasmine and frangipani.

 

Here is my view while I am doing tai chi:

 

For that, I think I can put up with a few ants (and a little crunchy grass!)

[peng]

.. your patch of green is beautiful!  But I feel it would defeat the purpose to put plastics between myself and the earth - part of why I do the barefoot on earth thing is to balance my magnetic field, and plastic is an insulator....

 

Ha! ha!

JanCarol, I had a feeling you would come up with something mystical like that!  Never mind, as long as we are all happy, that is the main thing.

 

I must ask our turtles & frogs in the garden in that photo if they mind being in plastic ponds!

 

Warm regards.

[JanCarol]

LOL Peng I'll bet the critter would choose life every time (plastic or not!)!  But Jonathan Livingston Turtle might go out in quest of soil and rock!  (BTW, Peng, magnetic balancing is not mystical, and it's not woo if you don't pay thousands of dollars for special grounding mats, but just put your body on the earth.  One study compared a group of people on antidepressants to a group of people who did nothing but bare feet on the grass for 12 minutes a day.  Equal response.  I know - placebo - not saying much to compare to antidepressants - but - what if we were told that YEARS ago?)

 

* * *

I'm in a bit of a wave.  I wake up confused, not knowing what day it is, and it takes about a half hour to clear the fuzz from my head.  Today I was sure it was Sunday, and even my dreams were confused, going to a grocery store on the way home and as soon as I got out of my car, this was not my grocery store!  In fact, I was totally lost, walked into a camping store and asked, "What suburb is this?"  I woke up still trying to place that dream grocery store on a map...totally unfamiliar.

 

I was thinking the phrase we say so often in SA:  "Healing comes in windows and waves."

 

My highs of late have been very high.  Almost unbelievable.  

 

Then I thought:  Not just healing.  LIFE comes in windows and waves.  NORMAL people have good days and bad.  It can't always be high or marvellous, or I would not recognize beauty when it takes my breath away.  It takes the darkness to recognise the light.

 

My wave is that I'm feeling a bit like a hamster in a wheel, running from yoga to gym to karate.  The last gym session is next week.  I don't think I want to do that every week, it compresses my schedule too much and I don't have time for social activities.  

 

Again, a bit of a wave.  

 

The good news:  remember that "uncomfortable heartbeat?"  Well, it used to kick in at about 100 bpm.  I hadn't checked my heart rate since then - but was on a spinner today and it told me my heart rate was 150.  Too high.  But I could do it!  I leveled off at about 124, and it wasn't too uncomfortable!  I couldn't sustain it for longer than 5 minutes, but - it's a huge improvement from the 100 bpm that used to make me crash!

 

So fitness is improving, all this hamster wheel stuff is giving me benefit.  One more visit to the gym before my special expires.  I really like the way the gym makes me stronger, and allows me to work on my pain.  I enjoy being around fit people (even though we never talk).  But I don't think I will do it every week.  They have a "casual" deal where I can get 10 visits for $100, and it's good for a year.  If I go once a month, that's better than not at all - and I can do body weight exercises like crunches, planks, & arm weights at home.  They do have awesome knee, hip and leg equipment, though, that I cannot get easily (without paying a fortune for it at a fancier place).

 

Off to the mag bath...

[peng]

Catch those rays, man!

[nz11]

Jancarol just been reading some of your very candid testimonies regarding your life journey and escape of these drugs shared across different intro threads and my goodness i just wanted to say you are an absolute inspiration.

I also had that 'light build ' moment too and it left me outraged!

[JanCarol]

Peng, are those your turtles?  They do look happy!  

 

I hope you soak up some of those rays, with them!  

 

Good to hear from you NZ.  The reason I am still here - is that I am angry.  Not for myself so much - though I have lost a lot (I have learned and gained a lot, too) - but for my loved ones.

 

Today I learned that my best-local friend has submitted and gone to a doctor.  She said, "I had a breakdown," and showed me the paroxetine in her purse.

 

I said PAXIL?  WHY would a doc give that out?  She said, well, I take an NSAID for back pain and an antihistamine for muscle tension, and this one didn't interact with those.  I'm like, "Those drugs don't have major interactions with any of them, why oh why couldn't she just give you Prozac?"

 

I took it personally, like it was my own personal failure that I couldn't keep her from getting the drugs.  She said there was no way I could, she couldn't function, I couldn't go to work for her, couldn't feed her kids, etc.  Her kids did take good care of her while she was down, and she does have a number of stressful factors bearing down on her all at once.  My main hope is that - she is a virgin (first time taking a psych drug), so perhaps if she just does a short stint, 3-6 months, she will be able to get off fairly easily.  Fortunately, I think she might trust my advice for tapering rather than the doctors.  But then - she ended up at the doctors for this, and walked home with a script for the drug that MANY DOCS won't TOUCH because it's so hard to get off of....  Sigh.

 

And she's one of my stronger friends - she has a big toolbox full of dogs and cats, she expresses her feelings and takes long walks and basks in sunshine, does gardening, yoga, meditation and shamanism!  She did a 3 day trek over one of the mountains south of here!

 

So many are suffering from these things.  So many people become chronic messes from them.  I hope this doesn't become chronic for her, I hope I can help.  It seems like more people are getting on them than off them, and it makes me ANGRY.

 

Is that the light bulb you were talking about NZ?

[nz11]

yep thats pretty much it..

Gee thats dreadful your friend has been given paroxetine hope they get off sooner rather than later. Bet they have no idea of side effects or informed about tapering or ...etc etc....

Perhaps their doctor should be given the McLaren quote.

 

So many are suffering from these things.

yep its the same over here too and whats infuriating is people are oblivious to the truth and buying into the MI paradigm

[JanCarol]

So today I'd like to talk about Nerve Pain.

 

Australia is one of the countries which has supposedly banned direct-to-consumer advertising from pharma.

 

So - there's a lot of activity swarming around "awareness raising."

 

A few weeks ago I was at a clinic to get my injured left hand x-rayed.

 

This is what I saw on the wall, there:

 

Now I'm a moderator here, and normally, I would consider this to be graphic violence.  But I had to post it somewhere!

 

There's the name, right there at the bottom, Pfizer wants us to know that "nerve pain is real" and they have not one, but TWO drugs for it:  Neurontin (gabapentin) and Lyrica (pregabalin).  I talked to my massage therapist, who uses Lyrica, and she said that all the "nerve pain" awareness raising was sponsored by Pfizer in Australia.

 

Additionally, I was there for a HAND INJURY, and I felt assaulted by this "awareness raising" message.  I wasn't there for nerve pain, but for an injury, bruising, possible breakage - but the poster made my hand hurt more.  Grrrrr.

 

Speaking of anger, I guess, I had to post this somewhere.  I may put it up on Facebook, it's so offensive - but - people "out there" still believe that "nerve pain" is a discreet entity separate from "pain," and that there are "special drugs" for for this "special type" of pain.

 

Grrrrr.

[ChessieCat]

I have heard the radio advertising about nerve pain.  It's been on for quite a few months now.  Must admit that I am a bit shocked by the poster version.  Now when I hear the ad I'll have an image to go with it.  Didn't need that Pfizer!

[peng]

Dumb to put these up in a clinic.

Still, money drives everything.

I would try and embarrass someone important in management there if I was in the mood.

[AliG]

Jan. This is infuriating.   The advertising is more subtle here in Australia but unfortunately I see it heading in the same direction as the States. How clever/ insidious their " marketing machine " is !  What hope is there against this flagrant promotion of drugs to the susceptible public in pain. That type of advertising is almost worse as it's subconscious brain washing at it's best . 

[Shep]

That reminded me of this recent article about how Abbott marketed Oxycontin:

 

https://www.statnews.com/2016/09/22/abbott-oxycontin-crusade/

 

From the article:

 

Abbott heavily incentivized its sales staff to push OxyContin, offering $20,000 cash prizes and luxury vacations to top performers. Their almost religious zeal to sell the drug is evident in the wide use of terminology from the Middle Ages Crusades: Sales reps were called “royal crusaders” and “knights” in internal documents, and they were supervised by the “Royal Court of OxyContin” — executives referred to in memos as the “Wizard of OxyContin,” “Supreme Sovereign of Pain Management,” and the “Empress of Analgesia.” The head of pain care sales, Jerry Eichhorn, was the “King of Pain” and signed memos simply as “King.”

“As you continue to carry the OxyContin banner onto the field of battle, it’s important to keep highlighting OxyContin benefits to your doctors,” Abbott urged its sales staff in a memo contained in the court records.

 

To see that type of advertising for gabapentin and Lyrica inside the doctors' office is to really see how doctors are nothing more than a "continuation" of the pharmaceutical industry.   

I'm glad we know not to take the bait anymore. 

 

[JanCarol]

Dumb to put these up in a clinic.

Still, money drives everything.

I would try and embarrass someone important in management there if I was in the mood.

 

Oh I would have to be a brave little Piglet!  To walk into the den challenging their version of "nerve pain"!!!

 

I might be able to do it on the basis that the poster is offensive, and I was there with a damaged hand, and found it painful and graphically violent.

 

Peng, thanks for the challenge.  I must think on this.

 

Or - the guerilla version - just go in, and quietly take the thing down.  That's the kind of thing hubby talks about all the time, but when it comes to "status quo," he's more chicken than I am....

[ChessieCat]

Jan. This is infuriating.   The advertising is more subtle here in Australia but unfortunately I see it heading in the same direction as the States. How clever/ insidious their " marketing machine " is !  What hope is there against this flagrant promotion of drugs to the susceptible public in pain. That type of advertising is almost worse as it's subconscious brain washing at it's best . 

 

Ali, JC is in Australia!!!

 

My son-in-law was recently put on a drug (unfortunately I don't know what it was) and it caused sharp stabbing pains.  Thankfully my daughter recognised that the only thing that had changed was the additional of this drug.  I'm just hoping he listened to her advice to stop taking it.  I could just imagine him going off to the doctor and then being put on yet another drug because of the effects of the drug.

[JanCarol]

OKAY topic change.

 

Three of my current favorite non-drug techniques for mood adjustment (I have gazillions, but these are the ones I enjoy the most right now):

 

1.  The bucket of epsom salts or magnesium chloride.  The weather is hotter now, and having that nice cool bucket to plunge my feet into is really grounding.  I only need to sit or stand there for 5 minutes, but sometimes stay as long as 10.  Instant attitude adjustment!

 

2.  My very favourite one right now:  

1. put in hearing aids
2. go for a drive in the car
3. turn on the music
4. put on some vanilla lip balm (or pomegranate or)
5. eat 3 cinnamon Altoids
6. start doing gentle, long, deep slow breathing, and
7. listen.  really listen to the music.

All senses engaged.  I'm in awe of this process - the hearing aids really lift the music, and my brain is more receptive to the pleasure of beauty in sound, and then the music itself is often quite uplifting, too.  Car stereo is nice, and I understand how to turn it on and "make it play" (unlike the "muso" studio equipment around the house!)

 

3.  Zip it up - Uddiyana bandha.  I've had yoga teachers who called it each of these things.  One yoga teacher told me, in pose, to zip up my core, like running a zipper from bottom to top.  Others have called it "naval to spine."  My current teacher calls it by its proper Sanskrit name, "Uddiyana bandha."  

 

Here's what I'm finding about #3:  I do it at least once while walking.  I do it often at my desk.  I sometimes do it while driving the car, or while I'm out, I just remember:  zip it up.  I find that I feel 2" taller, my posture corrects, and my heart is more free to open, my lower back is supported, and sometimes, even my neck and head feel better.  This is an improvement in self esteem, and it seems to work in moments, once you understand how it works, and can engage it confidently.  (I keep trying to get hubby to do it, and he just looks at me like I'm crazy, and he's not about to try something like that - it might be uncomfortable.  Never mind that it would help his back problem....)

 

Plus, core strength and breathing:  good for the Adrenal-cortical orchestra:  http://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2016/08/cortical-adrenal-orchestra/496679/

Scientifically improves stress response!

 

So there you go:  3 novel non-drug techniques today.

Edited October 10, 2016 by JanCarol
Added in new 4 & 5 - other sensory input

[ChessieCat]

I love it when you give your non-drug tips.  And I need to start "zipping".

 

BTW how is the hand?

[JanCarol]

Thanks for asking!  Officially, hand is "healed."  Hand still has a painful lump on it, but  as long as I don't bump it or press on it (sometimes tucking a shirt into a waistband is still painful) - it's functional.  I have grip, finger use.

 

I won't know what to do with myself, now that I have two hands!  I think - mostly - be very careful with them, as it really worries me when one is out of commission (and that was nearly 2 years).

 

I did add back yogurt - I tried to have some for breakfast yesterday.  Bad idea.  I think it's okay to have a tablespoon or two as a condiment, but not to make a meal of it.  I've been incapacitated by IBS today.  Woo!  

 

Additionally, I'm working on "seeing what I feel like" without pain drugs again (which may have contributed to the "attack," as codeine is constipating.  But - it's been 42 hours without anything - so - I reckon I was taking them too readily again, because - while I'm in pain (back, hip, and now um, rectum), it's bearable, really.  And I slept last night without it (even while my tummy was rumbling).  No withdrawals (other than a mild rebound headache yesterday, and - the IBS today, but I'm putting that down to the yogurt experiment).

 

Tomorrow:  osteopath.  I wonder what he will come up with this time?

[JanCarol]

Okay:  non-drug tip for the day:

 

Thymus thumping - or drumming!

 

You know when Tarzan used to yodel and pound his fists into his chest as a show of wild manliness?  Well I learned this in kundalini yoga, long ago.

 

The French word for heart, coeur, is the basis for our English word Courage.

 

The heart is not about love, it's about bravery.  Courage.  The fires burning in your heart that make living worthwhile.

 

Behind your breastbone, next to your heart is the thymus gland.  It is a sort of master gland, like the pituitary, but it runs immune function.

 

Try this:

 

Tap with your right fingertips, 3 times, firmly but gently on your breastbone in the middle of your chest.  Say as you tap - "I can do this!"  (I like "I" = tap, "CAN" = tap, "DO" = tap, then hold the fingers there for "THIS.")  Repeat with your left hand.

 

If you really want to fire it up, you can try it Tarzan style (but not if you've been having cortisol spikes, works better for fatigue related conditions).

 

I CAN DO THIS - or 

 

AAAAAYyyyyyyyyyy  - eeeeeeeeeIIIIIIIIIIIEeeeeEEEEEEEEE - AAAAAaaauuuuyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!  (the chanting would also activate your vagus nerve while you activate your thymus gland, tapping your breastbone like Tarzan, alternating knuckles.  Obviously, this is more intense!)

 

* * *

Speaking of immunity.  GP today.  She's "escalating" my pain condition from "sciatica" to "fibromyalgia."  She is testing me for autoimmune.  My doctor-friend and I talked last night about a condition called "Connective Tissue Abnormality Not Otherwise Specified" - it is an autoimmune condition with antibodies - but - is kind of a kitchen sink diagnosis.

 

The GP was really keen on offering me amitryptaline for chronic pain.  Then Lyrica.  Then Neurontin.  I refused all of them, and explained to her that I can detox from codeine in 5-7 days, and that I can take codeine PRN, instead of daily.  Mostly I just glared at her like:  I just spent 3 years coming off these drugs, and you offer them to me again?  IF she brings it up again, I'm going to have an article ready about Lyrica or Neurontin and amitryptaline.   She said, codeine really not good for chronic pain, only acute pain.

 

If I'd been clever, I would have told her that people have used it for chronic pain for at least 100 years.  Only recently have they decided that their addictive "take it for life" drugs are better.  But I wasn't feeling particularly clever or accusative.

 

I know, Cochrane review gives Neurontin a 65% success score for chronic pain.  And they rate neurontin + amitryptaline as even more successful.  But there's the issue of  how long to stay on it, and how hard it is to come off it.

 

And the GP kept saying:  the amitryptaline is low dose so it's not really an antidepressant.  (really?  could have fooled me!)  I mentioned Low Dose Naltroxen, and she looked at me like I'd sprouted a unicorn horn.

 

But it was kind, it was gentle, and she is going along with it, as well as testing me for autimmune dysfunction.  Not like it will do me any good - it just gives me another label that really doesn't mean much.

 

It's weird calling it fibromyalgia, when there is structural cause for it - my bad knee throwing my hips and back out of alignment.

 

Lyrica is being handed out like lollies right now, because the government is following the US and cracking down on traditional pain meds.