success ☼ JanCarol: Reboxetine first, then lithium

[JanCarol]

Why I need 3 types of exercise right now:

 

Yoga - teaches me how to go into the pain, through the pain.  Teaches me where it hurts, and how to ease it (if not fix it).  Makes me stronger, improves my breath and mindfulness, and my balance.  Improves my cardio and challenges my POTS (Postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome)

 

Karate - teaches me how to get past the pain, over the pain.  Focuses my mind on difficult tasks and improves cognitive function.  Helps me get out my aggressions and strong emotions in a safe environment.  Helps me to develop trust and boundaries (sometimes working with a partner can get you hurt).  Improves my cardio, forces me into eye contact with other humans, and attempts at conversation too.  For my brain development and cognitive skills, this one is the best.

 

Weightlifting - improves my strength, especially when I am sick.  I don't have to hurry to perform to someone else's commands like I do in yoga and karate, I can take my own pace.  I can choose my own weights, reps, and tailor the workout to how I feel in the moment.  I can listen to good music, and breathe with the exercise.  I also put some cardio intervals in there with heavy bag work, and a warm up and cool down on the cardio machines.  It takes me 2 hours to go through it all, and sometimes I'm a wet noodle at the end - but - in the following days I'm stronger.

 

This is also accompanied by a daily sun walk with a little tai chi at the end, which gets my blood flowing, my joints moving better, and induces a feeling of well being with the sun on my skin and in my eyes.

 

The hard part with this trio is that I really can only go out to exercise 2x a week.  So I have to choose, on a week-to-week basis, which it the practice for me.  I've tried to get back to karate all month, and still haven't felt confident with my ankles and feet.  I thought:  next week, but next week is "Easter Monday," and nobody has a class there.  I'll have to do something else with yoga and weightlifting, and try karate again the week after.

 

It makes it hard to build up karate skills, because every week I don't do it, is a week I forget what I've learned.  I'm really trying to spiral up and learn more, but keep getting knocked back to basics.

[JanCarol]

I got the results of my Holter monitor back today.

 

I do have "uncomfortable heart beat" and the fancy term they used means - well, just that.

 

It's called Premature Ventricular Contractions (PVC), with bigeminy / trigeminy.  Which means that - 

 

The normal rhythm of the heart is "out of sequence," sometimes the bottom pumps out of turn, about every 2-3 heartbeats.

 

It is nothing to be alarmed about, and I'm still trying to figure out about how this affects my exercise and training schedule.

 

The best thing for heart problems is exercise - but - I don't want to throw myself into a bad place, either.  Right now, the doc says to trust when I "feel uncomfortable" and take a break from exercise if it goes weird and uncomfortable.

 

So I think I'm good to get back to karate, as long as I listen and pay attention.

 

I did not ask about whether my long term hypothyroidism could've caused this, or if hypothyroid "attacks" could induce it or make it worse.  I'll ask my orthomolecular doc about that.

 

Whew!

[Shep]

Hi, JC.

 

I'm glad your results came back with a "nothing to be alarmed about" and you can get back into karate. 

 

I hope this brings some peace of mind. 

 

And that you see the sun today.   

[baroquep]

Hi JanCarol, good to see the sun beside your name.  All the very best to you ... you are a kind and gentle soul 

[Happy2Heal]

hi Jan, so glad you got good news from the Holter study. 

 antidepressants are def a factor in PVCs, see esp near the bottom of this page: http://drjohnday.com/stop-pvcs/

 

I have PVCs and PACs and atrial fibrillation, which I call my "irritable heart". If I am having more that a few PVCs and PACs, it's a warning that I need to cut back on stress (IF I can) and try to get more sleep etc, because an increase in PVCs can mean I'll go into afib if I don't get things under control (some people do not have, or are not aware of, any triggers for their afib; I am lucky that I know my triggers and can mostly avoid them)

 

anyway, there's also some info on exercise in that page I linked to, it seems it depends on what you're used to, as far as what is ok

 

I've been having a ton of PVCs lately, so I can empathize. I had long runs of them last night when I went to bed. such a pain!

 

but I've had long periods of time when I didn't feel the PVCs at all, I hope that you'll go into a period of "quiet heart" like that as well.

[JanCarol]

Thanks so much H2H!  That means more to me than you know!  "Irritable heart" is a good name for it - I've been calling it "uncomfortable."  I look forward to reading that article when I have a little more time.

Don't you hate those "middle of the night ones," when your cortisol spikes, and all you can do is - pretty much - listen to your heart do it's "irritable, uncomfortable" thing?  It's those middle of the night ones that make me tempted to try propanolol or something - but heck - I've been living with it for years now, so if it's not causing any damage, then I guess I'll just keep on keeping on!

 

Tonight - back at karate!  Yay!

 

It was just a kid's class.

 

But there's a little more fitness in kids class - running, star jumps (jumping jacks), squat kicks.  Those were okay!  (those kids need some shaping up though - Sensei is just a little lenient, and I can see I can do more than just lead by example.)

 

My form was crisp and strong, and the bag work was mostly awesome (I missed once).

 

But - we played a sparring game (like tag for karatikas) and a 10 year old boy felled me (yes, I went down to the floor).

 

So I'm not quite up to speed, but I did enjoy myself, and held my own.

 

Next week, I try for 2 hours of class (just one tonight).

 

Edited April 4, 2022 by ChessieCat
changed member name

[JanCarol]

NON DRUG TECHNIQUE:  AFFIRMATION ALTOIDS

Addendum:

 

Cinnamon Altoids - my favorite.  A sharp spike to the taste buds, and a soothing, yet stimulating feeling.  It seems to enliven thought, and helps with sugar cravings.

 

Peppermint Altoids - awesome.  Cooling, intense.  Also very good for thinking.

 

Ginger Altoids - okay, these weren't "Altoids," but Paul Newman's.  It was weird.  It doesn't feel like a lolly - feels a bit like medicine.  I can feel it heat up my digestion, and seems to help things work better in the belly.  But it is not the mental (peppermint) or emotional (cinnamon) rush that I get from the Altoids.

[JanCarol]

Folks, after the Holter Monitor, I got a bug.  Flu?  Virus?  Bacteria?  Egads!  It's a battle to go to the doctor these days.  Prove it, they say.  

 

My US Doctor friend said that a piece of equipment called a CBC can tell you what kind of infection, what kinds of antibiotics.  I saw such a machine on the BBC show, "The Doctor Who Gave Up Drugs"  20 minutes, accurate.

 

But here, in the wilds of Australia, I have to go to doctor repeated times, and the burden of proof is on me.  Three visits for this infection, one paltry script for amoxicillin (5 days only, just enough to teach the bugs, not kill them).

 

ANYHOW, after the amoxicillin, yes, my gut was unhappy.  Extremely unhappy.  It kept me up all night last night. 

 

When I finally did go to bed at 4 am, the distress of my gut, plus the early morning cortisol kicking in, and my PVC's (irritable, uncomfortable heart beat) were extremely irritable and uncomfortable.

 

I listened, as I always do, to meditations and music to "chill me down."  One was a floaty weird "timelessness" thing.  That didn't help.  The next one was a mindfulness thing.  Nice, but even though I could relax my limbs, my feet, my neck, even my back - my chest was a pounding interference to my sleep, relaxation, and well being.

 

Then, the next track on my MP3 came up.  It was Baylissa Frederick (AKA Bliss Johns).  And she knew just what to say.  She talked about accepting the feeling, that everything I was feeling was just right for the moment, and that the stress was from wanting to feel something else.

 

The track was called "Relaxing, Healing Meditation."  Just 10 minutes long (9:56).  I have looked for it on the web, but she has re-organized her channel and her products, and I can no longer find it.  I downloaded it months ago.

 

And it was perfect.  By the end of the 10 minutes (and I'm good at this, I have breathed into my relaxation response for 45 years now), my heart - while still beating funny - was no longer "irritable," and I could drift off to sleep.

 

It was nothing short of miraculous.  She knew just what to say, for the distress I was feeling.  I can see how it would work brilliantly for anxiety, pain, any form of distress.

 

While I cannot find that exact track on the web (maybe some of you hackers are better than I am) - here is another one by her, in the hopes that it will help others:

 

Bliss Johns Mindfulness

[Shep]

I hope you're feeling better soon, Jan. Anything that requires an antibiotic during withdrawal is dreadful. 

 

I'm glad you had such great success with your mindfulness video. Thanks for linking Bliss Johns for us. Her videos are so very relaxing. 

[JanCarol]

Thanks Shep - 

 

More about the Bliss Johns.

 

We say it here a lot:  be with the symptom, breathe into it.  It's fine.  Just experience it - or as Shep says, "be curious about it!"

 

But - in this little 10 minute segment, her soothing, comforting voice walked me through the details of that.  It was such a blessing to hear her reminders.

 

So - intellectually, I know to be with the symptoms, and do that on a conscious level most of the time.  But emotionally, sometimes, it's extra sweet to be cradled in a comforting voice, to be told, "shush, now, it's okay."

 

That's how I felt with the Bliss Johns/Baylissa recording.

[JanCarol]

So - infection gone.

 

I've adjusted my supplements.  I was in "adrenal fatigue" for so long that I took an adrenal glandular for 2 years.  The glandular contains tiny amounts of natural hormones, including DHEA.  I was advised not to take DHEA by my orthomolecular, she was afraid it would suppress my natural DHEA production.  So I took this tiny glandular with pregnenolone to train my body what it feels like to get DHEA.

 

Perhaps - my body is done with this, and that was contributing to the PVC's.  If I was having excess cortisol spikes, and the PVC's were pushing against my ribs - then - the adrenal supplement has to go.

 

I cut it in half for 2 weeks, then discontinued.

 

PVC's have improved. 

 

The next thing I'm going to check is whether or not the Kelp (iodine) is contributing to my tendinitis.  In a couple of weeks time (ever slow, making changes to supplements) I will discontinue it, and see if my tendinitis improves.

 

Iodine is a funny thing in thyroid problems.  Sometimes you need to supplement it.  Sometimes, it is harmful to supplement it (especially in Hashimotos).

 

Most of what I read is for people who still have a thyroid.  Discussion of this thyroidectomy condition is rare, and vague.  Interesting, since so many people have had their thyroid removed.  So - what - they take a major organ out - give you thyroxine, and any complaints you have after that - well - "we just don't know?"

 

That seems to be the common state of affairs in thyroid-land.

 

So - I read in a forum somewhere that iodine can cause increases in thyroid related tendinitis.   So the kelp is the next to go.

 

That's the physical stuff.

 

In other stuff - 

 

Amazing things are happening.  I intend to continue doing what I do.  My drum is my revolution, and I must continue to use it to help open minds and hearts to new ways of healing.  Even if I had to find a new venue.

 

The group is feeling - eager now. 

 

The ladies show up early to help set up.  I have to get there earlier and earlier if I want some "quiet time" in the studio before the drumming.  They post their journeys quickly - and I get good feedback from my Readings.  We're having an extra coffee meet to get to know one another better - like an urban tribe.  We'll never be a real tribe in that our lives don't depend on each other for survival.  But our dream-lives can blend and merge, and our heart-lives can deepen as we learn to trust one another.

 

Sometime ago - on the shaman thread here on SA - I expressed a wistful desire to get together and journey with others.  That was 18 months ago now.  And here I am - doing just that!

 

I am passionately driven - to write - to share - to make art-things (they're not Art, but they are for my healing, and helpful to me), to listen to great music, and maybe learn to play some music of my own on the keyboard.

 

I am exploring the importance of Art as Therapy.  I'm not talking about "Art Therapy," which seems to be about expressing yourself nonverbally -  but using art/music personally to transform your inner landscape.  Yes, it is important to express those deep things which are pre-verbal - but also coming to a relationship with the colors, the shapes, and using them to Create something New.

 

This sounds all newagey and vague, but it's powerful.  And it's working.  I'm making connections worldwide which seems to support my lesson of the week:

 

Expect the best, and praise it in advance.

 

Gratitude.  It's the key to making, creating, being whole.  Just keep giving thanks!

[Shep]

Awesome update, JC. I like this comment - "My drum is my revolution". 

 

Sounds like the shaman group is going well. You are creating your own tribe and surrounding yourself with positive experiences, and exploring the art of your inner landscape. 

 

All great stuff. Thanks for sharing. I learn a lot from your writing.    

[JanCarol]

Thanks Shep!

 

I wish I were super positive tonight, but - me too.  Even I have troubles, too.

 

My ankles feel as if they were made of waterlogged wood.  That makes the old karate difficult.

 

And I've decided that the irritable heart has a temperamental badger holding it in his claws.  The darndest things upset that badger.  Getting dressed. Brushing my teeth.  Eating dinner.  Being hungry.   Up and down in yoga class.  Sometimes just sitting still.  Definitely lying in bed at night wishing for sleep.

 

I'm patient, I really am, but this badger is really easy to set off.

 

 

So I'm having discussions to see if I can get him to let go of my heart.

 

Discussion to see if there's something I can do to put him to sleep at night.  He whispered something to me about the vagus nerve - he might be all tangled up in the roots of the vagus nerve, which is making him testy.

 

But everything I read about activating the vagus nerve is "not for cardiac patients."   ALrighty then.  

 

Now - I'm not saying that I'm a cardiac patient.  I haven't determined that yet.  I have requested a cardiologist. The Holter report said I was having PVC's 41% of the time.  I was particularly calm on the Holter.  I think that badger is kicking my butt more like 60% of the time, and sometimes he is kicking me very hard.

 

I went to the orthomolecular doc - she mistook my thyroid tendonitis / ankle thing - as "fibromyalgia"  UGH!  I need to communicate better!

 

She gave me Low Dose Naltroxen (LDN) for chronic pain.  I guess I will call her before getting it filled, to see if she really wants me to take it, even if it is a thyroid symptom.   At least she hasn't given me amitryptaline, gabapentin, or Lyrica.  She also doubled my dose of Vitamin D.  

 

She said that, because I had no thyroid, I will need more vitamin D to support the rest of my hormonal system.  I'm shocked to say that she wants me on 10,000 iu of Vitamin D.  

 

My cortisol tests were = NORMAL!  OMG NORMAL!!!!!!!  I have a normal, natural cortisol curve!  (so - um, the angry badger isn't necessarily responding to cortisol - but he still seems to be reactive to stress!)

 

BUT - my DHEA was extremely low.  Doc put me back on my adrenal glandular.  I did my homework and found that low DHEA is a strong indicator of cardiac troubles, especially in women.  So I agree.  But Vit D first, I think.

 

She could not answer my question about kelp / iodine.  She talked a bit about l-carnatine and iron (but my last iron test was excellent).  She decided not to add any those.  We argued about my discontinuation of Phosphatidyl Serine and Resveratrol (Consumer Labs says that PS used to give great results, when it was made from animal brains, but that now it is made of sunflowers, not so good.  And they say Resveratrol is terrific from purple grapes and red wine - but the supplement not so much.)  She thought more highly of these supplements than Consumer Labs does.

 

She recommended a supplement which is NOT recommended by SA:  Phenibut, which hits straight on the GABA receptors in the brain.  It's like a precursor to GABA...it's supposed to be positively mind altering.  She wants to put that badger down.  Or at least make him relax.  And she's using the Phenibut instead of a benzo or a beta blocker.  I'm a little nervous about this one.

 

My mood is good, I made a new local friend today.  She is clever, bright eyed, compassionate, fun, and musical.  She saw my breakfast tablets and said "Oh!  Fish oil!  Turmeric!  Take the turmeric with food!"  Oh yeah.  She's a keeper!

 

Now to make friends with a badger.  Quite the challenge.  

[Shep]

My mood is good, I made a new local friend today.  She is clever, bright eyed, compassionate, fun, and musical.  She saw my breakfast tablets and said "Oh!  Fish oil!  Turmeric!  Take the turmeric with food!"  Oh yeah.  She's a keeper!

 

Now to make friends with a badger.  Quite the challenge.  

 

 

 

Oh, Jan, I wish I had some words of wisdom regarding your heart and thyroid challenges, but I don't know much about those.

 

I'm glad you made a new friend. I really believe that can help heal the heart.

 

And I hope you can keep that scary badger away! That is one mean looking badger!

 

Sending healing vibes your way. I hope you can get into see a cardiologist and find some answers. 

[JanCarol]

Thanks Shep - actually - this was one of the friendlier photos I found (that wasn't a cartoon or sports mascot!)

 

There's nothing in the medical manuals about "how to make peace with your badger."

 

But I think my orthomolecular doc is thinking that the Phenibut will calm the badger, improve sleep.  She's using that (combined with LDN)  in place of a beta blocker.

 

I don't know much about this stuff, either.  But I guess my body has decided it's time to learn some more!

[manymoretodays]

Phenibut?  No relation to phenobarbital?

 

Thanks for the sharing of your thyroid experiences too JC.  As well as the rest.

 

And congrats on your drum circle.......

 

I will stay tuned.

 

mmt (dancing deer or doe perhaps and oh emu too)

[JanCarol]

Hey MMT - Dancing Deer, how beautiful!

 

So I'm in a summit with the Badger.

 

I have Badger medicine, in the physical realm of the medicine wheel.  It has helped me when I need to be fierce. 

 

But right now, Badger is being fierce with me.

 

Like a wild animal (that sounds like Jon Kabat Zinn - he says to approach pain like it is a wild animal) I'm asking it many things:

 

How do I soothe you?  What do you want?  What upsets you? (often it is food.  I still eat things I "shouldn't" but how pure can a human be?)

 

I'm also looking into Heart Math, which gives me hope that I can avert becoming a cardiac patient with scientific non-drug techniques.  (oh, yes, I'll still do the standard diagnostics, but I have an ace up my sleeve.  Heart Math!)

 

[manymoretodays]

I love that concept.......the Badger Summit has commenced!  I'll be back to look at the resilience video too!  Haola!

 

manymoretodays(dancing deer with an emu beside me or should I say inside me)

[btdt]

I try talking to my body when it is jerking and not cooperating... like what do you want... often it is a rest stop and rest right now not like I have a choice anyway... but sometimes it wants to change position or more support on a part or some food or to be detoxed... odd how I have learned to be disconnected from my body because all it offered was problems pain burning itching tingling no good feelings ... and I started to wonder did I get a movement disorder because I cut my body off from my brain as I could not deal with the constant wd crap it presented... now it is doing whatever it wants in retaliation to being cut off and drugged... if I were a body I would be mad too... yes I know this sounds crazy but I have a lot of time to think some days...

[btdt]

lol I know that look on that badgers face I see it in the mirror...

[JanCarol]

Y'know B - you might have a point.

 

I might see that Badger in my mirror, too.

 

On those days when I'm so frazzled and frustrated - yep.  

 

And while I try to be honored by all of my medicine - Badger - well - it's not a good look, is it?

 

Badgers aren't easy to keep happy.  How many happy badgers have you seen?

 

As always - a work in progress - more Badger lessons to be learned!

NOTE:  I have tried the Phenibut, it did not put me to sleep, it did not calm the badger down.  But I do feel remarkably well today?

[JanCarol]

So, okay, after strong warnings from Brassmonkey/Tom, I'm concerned that I've gotten myself into a bit of a rabbit hole.

 

I decided to take the Phenibut as prescribed by my orthodoc.  She has steered me well in the past - but - I think she sees me as a bit of a know-it-all.  It's hard for her to keep up with the complexities of my case, which I know intimately - so I might disagree with some of her assessments at times.

 

And the Phenibut might be a big one.  I've been using it for a week.

 

I think she is wanting me to sleep through the PVC's.  Put the badger to sleep.  So I put it in my trays, thinking that having one a night, and then one extra as needed (i've only taken 2 PRN's in the past week), when the badger starts squeezing my heart.

 

I've started using a sort of EFT on the badger.  I rub my hand on my heart (preferably the right hand, says the Badger), and feel safety and love.  I might even say the words, "Safety and love." and "I'm well."  Sometimes this helps to calm things down.  I do catch myself holding my breath.  For all of the years of breathwork I've done - there's still more to learn!

 

So - the phenibut is addictive, with tolerance and withdrawal issues.  And I have 3 more weeks of trays filled.  I would pull them out, but like the magnesium, inositol, and taurine that I take at the same time - they are all white filled gelcaps.  They look alike.  So I am stuck for the next month with this.

 

If, however, the phenibut gets me through these ectopic heart rhythms so that I can sleep again - it may be worth it.  Which is worse?  Phenibut, or propanolol?  I don't really know at this point.

 

Keep in mind - that I have not - in this time of coming off the psych drugs - gone into withdrawal.  I'm not managing withdrawal here.  I'm managing damage from the surgeries (thyroid/hysterectomy) and damage from the lithium, as well as orthopedic pain.

 

Two months from now, you may hear me complaining, "Why did I ever try this?" but for now, it's in.

 

Of course, my topic today is this:  VIGILANCE.

 

I was doing well last week.  Oh yes, a lot of pain, and struggling to keep up with my very basic schedule, but okay - feeling like I was building my life again.  I don't know how "normals" do it - work jobs, raise kids, run a household, shop, cook, do dishes, exercise, meditate, communicate - it just sounds so gruelling to my very simple schedule.  Which is more along the lines of sleep (late), get up.  Walk in the sun.  Do a little housework.  Meet an appointment.   Maybe take or make a phone call, meet a friend.   Go to a yoga or karate class.  Have dinner with hubby (that he cooked).   Take a magnesium bath.  Watch TV, spend some time on the computer, and done.  Very simple, very basic (this is for those of you who think I "do too much."  I don't.  I manage my stress and activities very carefully).

 

So - baby steps, like I was writing about above - to build up a little buoyancy, resilience.  And it does work.  But there is something about us - those of us who have been changed by the drugs - which must always be VIGILANT.

 

It doesn't take much to knock us back to Start.  I'm reminded of the many board games I played as a child - like snakes and ladders - where all of a sudden, a setback sends you behind what you were before.  

 

This week, hubby had a kidney stone.  A small one, 2mm, but that didn't make the pain any less.  I drove him to hospital, and got there just in time, as that's when the thrashing and screaming in pain began for him.  (note to self:  it's okay to call an ambulance.  It's paid for.  He would have been a lot more comfortable with the morphine drip sooner rather than later.)  Apparently the hospital we chose isn't the best one, but it was the closest one, and one where I could drive there without GPS.  But we couldn't tell it.  Because of his obvious distress, they took him in right away, and put the morphine in him and started running CAT scans and ultrasounds and such.  The young (hot!) European doctors were attentive and thorough.

 

He's fine now, it took him 48 hours to pass the thing.  One of the things he said was - "this gives me deep compassion for the distress that SA people go through every day!"  Because he realized how hard it is to cope with extreme distress.

 

So - one day in the hospital on someone else's furniture (back pain), one day where my sleep was disrupted (got up at 8 instead of noon), one day where my schedule was changed (acupuncture treatment delayed by 2 weeks), and down I went.

 

VIGILANCE.

 

This happened on Monday, today is Friday.   

 

Maybe it's just a normal part of life, ups and downs.  But I lead such a simple life, really.  I remember a Murphy's Law saying:  "You can't fall off the floor."

 

Except you can.  Even when you are basic, you can.  I grit my teeth when I tell people here - "you know, it can get worse."  I hate to discourage someone, but we always think that what we are experiencing right now is the worst.  Hubby - when he said his pain was a 10/10, I nodded inwardly, because I saw that it was going to get worse before it got better.  It was not at 10/10 - he just thought it was.  At that point, I didn't tell him, "you know, it can get worse."  I just waited.  And when he was screaming 12/10!  And beyond!  I felt so badly for him, but there was nothing we could do except wait.  Survive.  Breathe.  I couldn't even touch him, because that was too much.  I just attended him, and as he screamed - "water!"  "cool cloth!" "too hot!" "too cold!" I did what I could for him.

 

It's like how we should treat ourselves in distress.  My body will say what it needs.  If it is awake, then be awake.  If it is hungry, then feed it.  If it is cold, bundle up (even when it makes no sense to the weather!)  If that is the wrong food, then stop eating it.   The drugs cut us off from so many feelings, that it might take some trial and error to learn what our body is saying to us.  But if we imagine our body is like my hubby in that hospital bed - crying in distress.  All you can do is wait, and listen for the clear message.

 

And vigilance.  A very small change in my stress levels, then I am going to need more self care.  I needed extra sleep this week.  It was not the Phenibut which caused me to sleep 10-13 hours - I've been on it a week.  It was exhaustion.  My body craved pizza.  I gave it pizza, even though it was carbs and cheese.  

 

Now my body is craving weightlifting, which I haven't done for a few months.  I need to build up my strength again, to feel that well being.  

 

And vigilance.  It could happen again at any time.  I'm still not back from that "down" place.  It wasn't as severe as a "crash," more like a "shutdown."

 

The only way through is through.  Waiting, breathing, and self care are the best ways through.

[JanCarol]

@MollyN said on @Jennifer78 's topic:

Quote

 

One thing I'm learning is to fight for my good mental health - so when I start to feel a bit listless or down, or I feel anxious about a situation, I don't let it slide or get a chance to let it take hold. I'll change something immediately, like take a bath, do calming breathing, go outside and be in nature, EFT when it's intense, go and play tennis if I can.

 

Obviously I'd love to get to a stage where it wasn't a fight, but that's for the future, for now, I have a little toolkit of techniques and apply them.

 

This is the vigilance I'm talking about!  

 

When I feel the wet blanket wrapping itself around me in some way - maybe it's over my head, or tied tightly about my ankles - that's when it's time to 

 

breathe.

try something.  

if it doesn't help, try something else.

Keep trying.

 

It's not really a fight, but it is persistence and vigilance.  If you can identify it, and intervene in time, the consequences will be mediated.  Molly's words of "let it get a chance to take hold..." are the key here.

 

"Change something immediately." 

 

Awesome advice!

 

Edited June 17, 2017 by JanCarol

[KarenB]

Hey Jan, just reading through this last page of your thread - I don't think I've been here before which is a bit embarrassing after two years.  You have such good things to say!  Love that badger awareness, and such great photos to make it all stick.  Very effective - so thanks for taking the time to share with us all.   

[Happy2Heal]

I'm trying to find your post about your sleep cycles and I cant' seem to find it, grrr

 

my computer glasses broke so seeing the screen is a challenge

 

I just wanted to ask that if you find some way to alter your sleep cycles to what you want, please do share it!
I have the opposite problem-I get tired around 8 pm (sometimes earlier) and often can't keep my eyes open past 9 (sometimes earlier)

this is not good, since I wake up earlier and those wee hours of the night/morning when it's so quiet and all that's on TV is crap, those hours are so long, and my brain will not shut off and I would much rather that I fall asleep later, and wake up late,

is the short version of this.

I only sleep about 4 hrs still and so the days are still very long for me, and I can't get out and do stuff til at least 8:30 in the morning, so it's a lot of time alone with my brain and my thoughts kind of torturing me sometimes

 

My sleep cycles have been messed up for years, though. I was sleeping thru most of the early day, as you are now and for the most part, to be honest, I prefer that. Although, like you, I was missing out on things.
Now I'd be so happy if I could sleep til 6 am or so, and not wake up at 2 or 3

 

meh. just gotta accept it.

maybe If i make adjustments to my lamictal.......

 

but anyway I've been half-following you (only half because it's so hard to see and then when you talk about your PVCs I need to block that out, because I have PVCs and PACs that will go into Afib if I have too many- and stress can cause PVCs and worrying about going into afib is stress.........you've been there, right?   :/

 

it'll all work out.

sometimes I wonder, what am I supposed to be learning from this?

and other times I think, this is random undeserved pain and I just want it to end

 

I fail at being optimistic when it goes on too long. I try to pump myself up but I stay flat.

 

but enough- sorry, too much, about me.

I will try to re read your recent posts and see if i can find out what happened with that stuff for sleep....

 

 

[JanCarol]

Hey Happy2Heal, thanks for visiting!  You too, KarenB!

 

Use the keys Ctrl and + at the same time to make the font on your screen larger.  It's good for those blurry days!

 

I have delayed cycle sleep.  I go to bed wayyyyy too late, and then am unproductive the following day until nighttime when it starts all over again.

 

Your sleep seems like the natural "split cycle sleep."  In ye olden days, we went to bed right after dinner, slept until about 11 pm, then got up, had a social time - met with the neighbors, played games, music and danced until the second sleep at about 3 am.  The 8 hour sleep wasn't "invented" until the electric lightbulb and factory work shifts.  I read about it here:  The Myth of the 8 hour Sleep

 

 

11 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

sometimes I wonder, what am I supposed to be learning from this?

and other times I think, this is random undeserved pain and I just want it to end

 

 

Oh, I so get this.

It will be harder when I go to the cardiologist and he argues with me about cholesterol and saturated fat and my weight issues (it's always the weight, never the endocrine imbalance causing the weight!).  And they wouldn't consider the 25-30 years of drugging as a factor.  Or the loss of my ovaries or thyroid, those are (ahem!) "normal" surgeries, no problems from those.  I know, after all, that's what they told me before I had them.

I've never gone to a-fib (or I don't think so) but sometimes that badger kicks & squeezes awfully hard, and I'm so tired, I just want to rest.  (I'm not calling it PVC's anymore, just "The Badger.").  It is hardest when I am trying to sleep  (and it's my fault, really - I complained to the doc, so she did something.  They always do.)

 

I can get to sleep, and I can sleep for about 8 hours (with a few wakeups) - just at the wrong times of the day, and never quite when I want to sleep or should sleep.  I do have a referral to a cardiologist, I will follow through and keep y'all informed.

 

Report on the Phenibut, after 2 weeks, I am sleeping well and longer.  Dreams are interesting and good (serial dreams - a series of wooden carvings, each day I wake up with a new one!)   It does not seem to mess with my kidneys.  I am taking fewer pain drugs.  I've been on the LDN for 1 week, also.  I will probably increase it in a few weeks time, as I can tell it's "almost" where I need it to be.  I might get away with an LDN of 2.0!  It's helping, it seems to be freeing me up so I understand better what is happening.  Instead of being in an inflamed state all the time - I'm having breakthroughs - so that I'm able to say:  oh, yes.  I'm sore today because I ate wheat last night, etc. 

 

The Phenibut does not make me sleepy, but when I do sleep I sleep well.  It does not stop the Badger, but it does make it so that I can sleep through the badger's thrashings.  Is this a good thing?  I won't know until I can get in with a cardio.  This month is full, I might try to get in next month.

 

Tomorrow, the dentist (egads, I know they're good people, but do they have to go poking around in my mouth?), and a bit of weightlifting to improve my stamina.

 

I think I'm back from the downtime of last week.  I made my famous Cincy Chili over the weekend - a triple batch (we have a freezer with about 15 meals worth, so a year's supply!).  It's not my best batch, but - it did hit that Skyline spot.  I'm going to have to figure out how to get beans in my next batch.  That would be awesome!

 

Hubby is , after his kidney stone experience, drinking the barley water now, too.  He's not quite convinced that it is the tonic I say it is - but at least he no longer makes faces at it!  (you know the one, "Ewwww!  What's this then?")  

[Shep]

On 6/20/2017 at 9:24 AM, JanCarol said:

I think I'm back from the downtime of last week.  I made my famous Cincy Chili over the weekend - a triple batch (we have a freezer with about 15 meals worth, so a year's supply!).  It's not my best batch, but - it did hit that Skyline spot.  I'm going to have to figure out how to get beans in my next batch.  That would be awesome!

 

Hubby is , after his kidney stone experience, drinking the barley water now, too.  He's not quite convinced that it is the tonic I say it is - but at least he no longer makes faces at it!  (you know the one, "Ewwww!  What's this then?")  

 

I'm glad to read you are doing better. And it sounds like Hubby is, too. 

 

I hope things continue to improve and the Badger goes into hibernation. 

[JanCarol]

So - windows and waves, windows and waves.

 

I had about a week of cog-fog.  I'd sit down at the computer to write or create, art table, piano - nothing doing.  This ends up in YouTube videos (Steven Colbert is always a good way to catch the news!) and games, occasionally letter writing (I'm a month behind on emails, seriously!)

 

I try to not beat myself up for these "downtimes," maybe it's a natural human cycle.  Or maybe, I'm bipolar - I get up, I get down.  Just not as extreme as it used to be (probably made more extreme by the drugs and dramas).  Sure enough, if I rest enough - my brain starts to get bored with being "checked out," and starts to want to learn and do again.

 

So my natural cycle seems to be about 5 days down, 3 days up.  The ups are extremely good, but nowhere near what I remember as being "manic." 

This feels - "human."  A very low level of functioning, but human.  I rest, I do stuff.  I get tired.  I rest.  I still maintain a solid 2x a week exercise program (though the sun walks are suffering this winter).

 

Phenibut may be contributing to downtimes.  I don't "feel" anything, but it may have an overall "depressive" effect, just like a benzo would.  I can get tapers from my compounding chemist.  At least there isn't anything like a "buzz" or tolerance, as far as I know.  My script says I can take 2x300 mg a day (well below "recreational amounts" according to Bluelight).  Most days, I just take one.  I've started the process of getting with my cardiologist, so I can find out - is this blockage?  cortisol?  WTF?  Once I have a plan of action, that's going away.  (thanks Tom - def not recommending this one!)

 

A note on LDN.  Apparently, certain foods can trigger opiate receptors (and I get more pain, and a low grade opiate tolerance headache) - so - I will notice when I have eaten wheat or dairy.  I still take some pain meds, but it's getting less and less often (awesome!  I've been working on this for a year now!).  There is a bit of a schedule skew, as I cannot take pain drugs anytime close to the LDN.  And now I have to watch wheat and dairy again - which is fine, they aren't good for me, inflammation causing.  I will double my LDN in a week's time. 

 

My attempt to do a cortisol / cardio combination has been less than fruitful.  It seems I'm having these events too often to actually trace into the cortisol cycle.  Though there are times when it is worse.  Sometimes, late at night, there is no point lying down, so I just sit up with it.  But when I do get to sleep, I can sleep through.  The dreams have taken a weird turn.  I dreamed my father ran a cult and blew up a building with all of them inside.  (how's that for rich material?)  I was outside the building, and looked on in horror.  At least I had the clarity to leave when I saw what was about to happen. So I was distanced from the horror somewhat, I can't imagine what the dream would have been like if I'd stayed with the rest of the group!

 

I'm doing a lot of work with Dennis Lewis "Natural Breathing" (I've written a bit about it here:  Breathing - Dennis Lewis and More Dennis Lewis )  This doesn't free up the badger, but sometimes helps me find a pathway through.  Nothing opens up the Badger more than Baylissa Frederick, though.

 

The uptimes are excellent.  I'm starting to feel connected - a little group of women where we can get together and chat about our lives and hopes and dreams, and I'm starting to feel connected to this strange isolated island, too, the trees, the mountains, the birds and animals.  There are more and more things in my life that "only I can do."

 

I'm beginning to consider that a measure of my "success."  What do I have in my life that only I can do?  What I do here at SA is pretty unique, and I bring a special flavor to it.  What I do at shamanism is - well - so far, only I can do it (but I'm trying to bring up others, much like Alto brought us up here).  My writing on my webpage - only I can do.  My drawings and coloring - only I can do.  Playing the piano - only I can do.  Learning to sing again - only I can do.  Healing my heart - only I can do.  Writing my letters and correspondence - only I can do.

 

It puts a priority on things.  There are many things that anyone can do.  Anyone can balance books or program computers or create successful entrepreneurships (though - some of those can be "only I can do" unique) or sell shoes.  The Dalai Lama says that we don't need more "successful people," that we need more people of compassion and caring.  And I would add - art and music.  Chris Hedges (thank you Shep) talks about how, in this world of fake news, art is the only Truth.

 

And that's not just "art for art's sake" - but sewing, quilting, crocheting, knitting, cooking, baking, communicating, making tea & coffee (and sharing them!) carving, drawing, painting, making, solving, dancing, sharing, loving, music, singing, drumming, playing (yes, toys and games count!), acting, laughing, connecting, finding synchronicities - so many different ways to have an art, and so many different ways to use those arts in daily life.  Oh - and for those of you who rear children - that may be the highest art of all!

 

These are the real things, the real truths.  And seeing this so clearly (as I couldn't just a few short years ago) is such a gift!

[JanCarol]

Things that the Badger seems to like (calms him down, makes him happy):

 

Bone Broth

DGL (Deglycinated Licorice)

 

It seems he gets testy when digesting food.  Especially (I think, I'm guessing) carbs.

 

So a little DGL after a meal seems to help.

and Bone Broth seems to soothe all kinds of things - digestion, even mood and stress seems to be comforted by the bone broth.

 

Ye Olde Vagus nerve!

Edited July 3, 2017 by JanCarol

[manymoretodays]

Oh JanCarol,

 

.......and me........I still get such a great comfort from pastas........how weird is that?  Lately, I use the vegetable kinds.......not gluten free and all that.  A comfort.  Serenity, if you will.  I want to eat more Turkey as well.  Rarely, the pasta, more than once a week.......if that.

 

I am kind of in the mind set now of I better just hurry up and wait to try anything new.  I need to do a course of ABX.  And I am certainly well enough.

 

Food, food, food........nutrition.........ayay!

 

mmt

[JanCarol]

MMT - I reckon that what the drugs did to us - can be helped by nutrition.  But since I was drugged and surgically altered, I may always need supplements.

 

I find, for example, that the amounts of turmeric, fish oil, magnesium, selenium & zinc  that I need is much higher than I can get through diet.  And it seems like the aminos (like NAC to promote glutathione production) are hard to get from food in medicinal amounts.

 

It was iatrogenically done to me by medicine.  It's taking medicinal amounts of nutrients to heal.  For me, anyway.

[manymoretodays]

I think I am somewhat the same.......with the exception of needing smaller amounts of medicinal nutrients to heal.   Maybe.  I am working from that framework now though.  Oh yes........the iatrogenesis..........do you think it all shifts some with healing?  Or do we just adapt?

 

I did try some bone broth with turmeric.  That's how it was available locally.  I put a small pinch of it(just the turmeric)in my coffee as well(my tolerated amount of caffeine comfort).  Soothing.  Calming.

 

Seems that I am a bit unbalanced again too........?autonomic nervous system.........post my decision to use an antibiotic.  The kind of vertigo stuff.  Ears.....not so much ringing as a fullness.   Ugh.  I only did 5 days as prescribed and then once a day for 5 days.  I hope my Dr. understands............weird though, I thought I was becoming more reliable and all that and then realized the one thing I wasn't reliable for...........were Dr. appointments.  They are still not high on my priority list.  Hopefully we, GP and I will have a fruitful discussion next week........in person.  Or not.  I try not to dwell but do sometimes.

 

So.......maybe everything does happen for a reason.........it's cool that way.  I am trying to stay in the middle of a couple struggles now..........seems to be working..........the universe cooperates so magnificently sometimes.  So very grateful though to be on the other side of the Erythema Multiforme..........woo hoo!  On to vision helps........eye check and some eye wear, computer usage helps(eye strain and further education), me hopes..........  Alas though.........working on a Emu farm is sounding real, real nice right about now........not that that is  real possible.........just fun imagery.......

 

Love, peace, recovery/healing, and oooooh baby, growth at any age..........

 

manymoretodays(dancing deer)

[JanCarol]

Hey MMT!

 

Healing from iatrogenesis will be much better for people who still have their endocrine system intact.  Mine was surgically altered, which makes it a challenge.

 

I am using less of the "pyroluria" nutrients.  I filled a tray last night, and I am now compounding my own B vitamins.  1/3 tablet of B1, 1/4 tablet of B6, 1/4 tablet of methylfolate (which will go away totally when I run out), but still 2 capsules of Niacin.  1/2 tablet of zinc.  I was just reading where biotin can throw your thyroid blood tests off.  I don't know if it affects conversion of T4 to T3 or uptake of Thyroid, but it does seem to lower TSH, whether it is "accurate" to your body or not.

 

I've finally given in to what Alto told me in 2014:
 

Quote

About biorhythms -- Some people, the "owls," are programmed to wake later and stay up later. Society keeps on trying to make them into "larks," but biorhythms are inborn, like left-handedness, and this often doesn't work.

 

However, having a regular owl-like schedule is good even for owls.

 

This means my sleep patterns are horrible by any society's standards.  I hate it when I've just crawled out of bed and am at the shops or an appointment, and some dunderhead asks me, "Are you having a good day?" or "What have you been up to today?" or "What have you got planned today?"

It would be unfair of me to snarl, "I just got up, this is all I am doing today, you may think your question is friendly, but it's idiotic!  Not everybody lives like that!"

 

My horrible schedule is this - sometimes I'm getting to sleep around 6 am, sleeping until 1:30 in the afternoon.

 

On a good night, I might get to sleep as early as 3 am, at which point I still sleep until 1:30 in the afternoon.

 

On days when I have to get up early (say, 11 am), I'm stuffed for most of the day.  Then, after the sun comes down, I rise again, and get creative into the wee hours of the morning.

 

I'm letting it go.

 

I know it is hard for my metabolism - the longer this goes on, the more likely I am to gain weight, increase fatty liver, metabolic disorder problems like cholesterol, etc.

 

But - it's also quite hard to sleep at night when my heart is doing it's funky thing.  The deal with my heart - I have a referral to cardiologist, it is on his desk.  He evaluates referrals and calls for appointments.  I called the office to tell them that I am expecting international travel soon, and would like to get this checked out before that 14 hour flight.  My GP has an EKG/Echo unit at her office now, and has scheduled all her "vulnerable patients" (that's hubby and me) to get a bulk billed (government paid) test which might give me a better idea what is messing with me.

 

I have been working the "Energetics" of my heart issues, as well.  My heart / the badger likes it when I put my right hand over my heart and press and breathe into my hands.  While I'm there, I visualize a beautiful summer green ball in my chest, and then as I exhale, the light comes up to a blue ball in my throat, which cascades down my arms and becomes a green ball in my heart again.

 

I'm working on these affirmations:

 

My heart forgives and releases

It is safe to love myself

Inner Peace is my goal.

 

I give myself the gift of forgiveness and we are both free.

 

I let life flow through me

I am willing to live

All is well.

(from Louise Hay)

 

Sometimes hours at night are spent with my hands on my chest, breathing and affirming.  Sometimes I can fall asleep like that.  Sometimes the heart is just too much.  At any time, I could check into an ER with "chest pains," even though it is not "chest pains," like heart attack pains.  It's more of a bruised feeling from hours of this struggle with the badger.

 

At what point is this stoic and stupid, and at what point would it be wise to escalate medical treatment?  I'm trying to be as self-healing as possible.

 

I'm still going to karate, yoga, gym (weightlifting, cardio, and kickboxing).

My diet could be better.

My stress is self managed - in other words, the only stress I have is stress I place on myself.

 

I schedule my work, I schedule my time - there is always time pressure on me.  Most of my pressure is from my own self.  Cracking the whip, "c'mon Jan, let's get something done today!"  But from the outside, my life does not look stressful, nor am I anywhere near as productive as a "normal person."

 

I have an energetic healer who is helping me with the questions that come up with my inner work - and that is a gift.  I am thankful to have my orthomolecular doctor to oversee this, and give me options and alternatives.

 

The Phenibut is not helping with sleep, really.  All it seems to do is make me forget my dreams.  Deep, engaging, problem solving, relationship, epic dreams that disappear the instant I wake up.  This is not helpful for shamanic practice.

 

I'll be talking to her about it on Tuesday.

 

While it seems I am complaining a lot here - overall I have to say that - even though the sun is never out when I am, I'm not getting sun walks, I'm not eating as well as I should (too many late night carbs) - my mood is good.  I feel well and whole and deep and clear. 

 

Body - Mind - Emotions - Spirit - Motivation.  I'm firing on about half my cylinders, and it's probably better than I've ever been before.  

 

More than ever before I am passionate and engaged, care about people in my life, care about what I do.  And there seems to be a demand for what I do, who I am.  I'm good at what I do, even if there is no code for it for the Australian census.  Occupation:  Shamanic drumming and vision interpretation!  I'm writing, drawing, coloring, creating - and the group is coming along nicely.

 

I am working on my success story, as most of my issues now are not withdrawal, but damage from surgeries combined with endocrine/autonomic issues.  As soon as I have it in a form ready to post, I'll move my thread over to the Success side of things!

 

I feel - "mental illness" is not an issue for me.  I came here thinking that even if I was "mentally ill" I could be that without the drugs.  I quit the drugs, and lo and behold, "mental illness" wasn't the problem all along!

 

Hark!  Karate time draws near!  

 

Y'all - see the sun today!

Edited July 17, 2017 by JanCarol
bold for affirmations

[Happy2Heal]

in spite of the issues you outline, this is such a positive and uplifting post! it's good to see you taking such great care of yourself and finding your own special place in the world and loving yourself: that is huge.

it's big and important work.

 

I hope you can get the badger tamed and sorted out soon.

 

looking forward to your success story!

[manymoretodays]

Thank you JanCarol. 

 

Beautiful and well written update.  This "who I am" and "who I am becoming" is very challenging for me at this point.  So many years believing I was mentally ill.........it's a fall back for me still, when it gets tough.  And the receiving of disability payments as well, for me........hard stuff.  Tough night........last night,  will probably take most of the remainder of today to find balance.

 

I am, so very proud of you!! 

 

Best,

 

Love......Healing/recovery, Peace(especially to the badger), and Growth,

 

manymoretodays

 

 

[JanCarol]

Thanks Happy and MMT!

I was thinking - that - even though I complain a lot about how little I get done - I realized recently that I've had a lot of stressors come my way.

 

The heart thing

Hubby's visit to hospital

"Regular" pains in knees hips & feet 

Upcoming international travel

Solving kitchen problems - which means hours in shopping malls and stores, and the stresses that entails

Learning curves on this website and my own website (announcement coming soon)

Learning curve in the kitchen - moving from gas to induction.

Losing my tenant

Calling the IRS and lawyers

My mother being bullied at her facility and her cat dying

Sick friends

Getting pressured by my brother about selling my house

Getting ready to sell my house

Getting rid of my brother (and losing his support) over issues with my house.

and

Learning to heal - learning new ways of thinking and being - and while it's a good stress, it's still a stress, it's still work.  And I want very badly to heal, to unpatient myself, to be the best, healthiest Jan I can be.

 

Plus - I'm functioning - I'm writing, running the shaman circle, keeping things acceptable around the house,  and actively participating in my relationship with hubby.

 

And here's what I noticed, as I was walking in the sun (twice this week!) - all of these stressors have come at me, and I don't even have all my mood stabilizing practices in place, and yet - I'm fine.  I'm dealing.  I take them up one at a time, and deal.

 

"I got this" has gotten so much more amazing, than the first time I said it!

 

Wow.  Who is this "becoming" woman?  Hold fast, MMT, good things ahead.