Sarabellum: Introduction from someone who is SSRI free but struggling

[Sarabellum]

Hopefull, in my opinion, I believe the cause for the intense emotions I have with the boyfriend are directly related to menopause and withdrawal. I have experienced anxiety in past relationships but this is difference.I just post more when it relates to the boyfriend because I'm around him more than anyone else and I have recently found that it helps me to sort out my thoughts when I write.

 

It doesn't help that I am about to have a major career change so I can finish school. Nor does it help that I am losing my house. As one therapist put it, I am "the perfect storm." And because of this I am constantly told I need to take be taking medications.

 

The underlying emotions that are always present are anger, frustration, and hopelessness. It's always present but sometimes it's quieter than others. And when it has no preference. It erupts in the blink of an eye and takes aim at whatever is in my site. It can be a person, my cats, my kids, my car, traffic, my computer, the phone, and myself. I have this constant inner voice the criticizes EVERYTHING loudly before I can have any other thought. And when I become aware of the anger, I become even more frustrated for feeling this way.I don't know who or what this thing is that's inhabiting my body but it is not me. I don't scream and yell. But I am tense and anxious to be around. I find it hard to just smile most days.

 

As far as diet and exercise goes, I have very limited contact with processed food. My diet consists of lean protein, vegetables, nuts, and fruits. A few times a month I might have cheese pizza or an energy bar (all of which is organic). I don't work out as much as I would like to right now because I'm buried in 2 classes while working full time but on the weekends, I squeeze in a couple of work outs, walk, and hike when the weather allows it. As soon as it warms a bit more I'll be back on my bicycle. I know the benefits exercise creates. It's the only reason I sleep soundly. When I slack off on the exercise, the sleep gets disturbed and I've learned the hard way that broken or lack of sleep can kick a person - hard.

 

I listened to a Buddhist monk speak on mindfulness meditation (Vipassanā) and I really think this will help. (He teaches at one of the unversities in the area.) For me, I think it's going to take a combination of things to help - CBT, meditation, writing, and perhaps HRT. All I know is I need to do something because I can't go on like I have been.

[Nikki]

Sara.....

 

You have alot of your plate right now and seeking reassurance from someone close to you is normal.  Bio-identical hormone replacement was and is good for me.  I had a hysterectomy and I cannot function without them.

 

School - work - money......school  - work - money......this sounds like you daily worries which would produce anxiety.

 

You want to become an nurse which is such an admirable profession.  It's just two years away and you are worried about finances.

This doesn't make you crazy - it makes you very normal.

 

Get your hormones adjusted and you will see a big difference.  Believe me.  Keep your eyes on the prize and that is your Nursing Degree.  If it takes you longer than 2 years due to finances that's okay.....You are still going to get there.

 

There is menopause - the protracted wd and look at how far you have come in spite of the physical issues.  You need to give yourself a huge pat on the back for how far you have come.

 

Alto recommends meditative breathing and I have been keeping that in  the forefront of my thoughts when I go into dread or panic......

 

Hugs

[Sarabellum]

Thank you Nikki. I very much appreciate what you are saying.

 

I am very grateful for the support I've received on this site. I don't think I would have done as well without it.

 

I've isolated myself due to the struggles I've been going through. I need to find a group or make more friends which really isn't easy considering how little free time I have. What few close friends I have live many hours away from me.

 

I hope tomorrow will be better.

[mammaP]

Hi Sara, you are going through such a lot right now it's no wonder you feel

like you are falling apart! To go through all that would stress anyone out but all that

 plus withdrawal and menopause  !!!!  You must be an incredibly strong person 

to still be going to work and take care of a family.  I think you are amazing! 

 

The one thing to keep remembering is that this will pass, it is tragic that you are suffering

so much after being so careful to taper slowly, only to be hit by withdrawal anyway

  Sadly that happens to so many people   .  I turned into a raging lunatic when I hit

menopause but HRT sent me back into a deep depression so I just muddled along and

tried to keep a lid on it.  Sometimes it was like a  pressure cooker that explodes f it doesn't

have a valve to release the pressure ! I think the flushes got  better when I switched from

dairy to soya . I don't know a thing about bio identical hormones so can't really comment

on those but I  do hope that things improve for you, you deserve a break! 

[Sarabellum]

Thank you mammap. Sometimes I don't feel strong or I think, "others have been through worse" but that thinking really serves no purpose. I'm learning.

 

You went through HRT? What were you doing?

[Altostrata]

I know I might sound like a broken record, but you might try meetup.com for social contact in your area. You might even find a group of women using natural means to cope with menopause. Getting out among nice people is good for the nervous system.

[Sarabellum]

I agree - being around positive people helps. I assure you, I have searched for support groups in my area. I'm a big fan of them.

 

Unfortunately, it's not as big a city for things like this as one might imagine. There are alternative medicine doctors around but they do not take insurance and are very expensive. The initial evaluation and first follow-ups are close to $500 and that doesn't include anything but the visits.

 

There is one meditation group that meets on Monday evenings and I'm going to check them out next week. I'm starting a yoga class on Sunday mornings, too.

 

I'm just spread thin with school. My cognitive functions seem lacking so when I'm not at my job I'm at the student service center (which is open 24/7). I squeeze in time with the boyfriend and my kids but if I slack off the studies much, I get behind and it adds another layer of stress.

 

I'm reading more and more on Vipassana (mindfulness) meditation and I like what I'm reading. It's one of the first things I've done that gives me a sense of peace. 

[Sarabellum]

I forgot to add... the obgyn has put me on estradiol (.05) oral (for now). I may go back to the patch. I'm not sure. I've been reading about how it's absorbed. I asked the doc several times about it going through the stomach instead of transdermally and he said there is no difference - it all gets metabolized the same. But the stuff I'm reading online says it can be harder on the liver. This is tough because the reports I'm reading are sponsored by the people who make the patch! UGH.

 

Oh and he said, "Your body is not producing enough estrogen to be detected." But... he feels I'm in need of estrogen for now.

[mammaP]

Sounds like he doesn't have a clue! I once pointed out something to my cardiologist that I 

had read on a patient leaflet of some meds he prescribed. He looked at me aghast because he didn't 

know that!  Pharma don't tell the doctors everything, and it's a sorry state of affairs when patients

have to keep doctors up to speed! 

[Sarabellum]

You have a point mammaP.

 

I spoke with the pharmacist and she told me it's really a matter of personal preference regarding pill or transdermal patch. The key is taking it at the same time every day.

 

I'll try it for now. I hope it helps.

[Altostrata]

There are some very good peer forums for menopause and HRT, you might do some reading there.

[JanCarol]

Hey SaraB just thinking of you and checking in.  What is popular in Australia is to do the wild yam cream thing (progesterone) or other bioavailable vegetable hormones.  They are gentler than prescription, not as altering.  Gods, that rock looks heavy!  I hope you can accept help, because it is there for you.  Right here in SA, and in other, unexpected arenas.

[Sarabellum]

Thanks Alostrata and JanCarol.

 

So far the mood has improved a bit.

 

I did spend some time with a Buddhist monk on Tuesday and practiced mindfulness meditation. It helped.

 

Today has not been so good and I'm trying not to focus on that. I had been doing quite well since talking with a therapist and seeing the monk. 

 

I am going to journal about it and meditate. 

[JanCarol]

Dear SaraB,

 

I hope you can tell your boyfriend these things, and get more than an "un huh" response.  I mean really get through that your system is taking your emotions for loops and loops and you don't meant to cling - so could he at least understand?

 

Any meditation worth it's salt will be able to deal with "intruding thoughts."  Only the masters can be totally free - all other practitioners still have to "watch" or "let go" or whatever the practice method is - to deal with thoughts.  Because thoughts are the true chemical output of your brain.  Your brain is this awesome radio, and it receives "thoughts."  How attached and emotional you become based on those thoughts is the only control you really have over them - and sometimes not even then.  It is a skill, and a high level one.

 

This counts for boyfriend too - do you realize the gigantic-ness of the rock you are currently pushing up the mountain?  From what I hear from here - going to get a higher education is becoming more and more impossible in the USA.  It's almost as if "education is for the rich," because fees. tuition and books have increased something ridiculous like 600% in the past 10 years, and availability of aid has disappeared proportionately.  I'm not trying to discourage you - but I am wishing for you - and boyfriend - to acknowledge HOW HARD is this thing you are trying to do! 

 

Especially at the same time as being "crack the whip" around (remember the carnival ride?) with menopause and SSRI withdrawal.  Does boyfriend even believe in SSRI prolonged withdrawal symptoms?

 

When you can, give yourself a break and acknowledge that you are doing Titan, gigantic works, cleaning the Stables, slaying the Medusa, and still pushing that rock up the hill.  Do you ever pat yourself on the back for your labors?  Can you ever say, "wow, I'm doing this! what an accomplishment!" or even "Wow, I did that! way to go SaraB!"  Please do.  Be compassionate toward yourself.

 

Maybe one of the reasons you feel you've lost compassion for others (besides the fact that many are empty jerks) is that you've lost compassion for yourself.  My yoga teacher in your town - and perhaps your Buddhist Monk would charge you to cherish your heart and kindle compassion for yourself, as a human, as a lover, as a mother, as a friend, as a student, as a worker.  All the things you choose, and all the things you do which make you a valuable human being.  

 

Having trouble with that?  Well me, too, I struggle with that self-compassion.  But let's keep trying! 

[Sarabellum]

Jan I am so sorry I didn't see the notice on your post.

 

Thank you for this. 

 

I know the boyfriend supports me but we don't necessarily have the same definition of what support is. It's not bad - it just is. 

 

I'm working on meditation.

 

Right now I'm buried in the final weeks of the semester. I'll post more soon.

 

And you're right - I've lost compassion in myself. I'm working on it.

 

HUGS!

[Sarabellum]

I am finally finished with school for the semester. I managed to hang on to the 4.0 GPA (just barely) and am waiting to hear if I've been accepted into nursing school for the fall.

 

I'm highly anxious these days. I have no doubt this stems from cramming, cramming, cramming for school then suddenly having nothing to do, combined with not knowing where I will be living in a few months or what kind of work I will be doing when I'm in school... or how I can afford doing any of this.

 

I am trying not to focus on the "why am I like this" and do something about it but it's really very difficult. I don't know why I am so easily agitated. A guy came into my place of business today and asked to speak to one of my colleagues. I asked if he had an appointment and he said, "I do now." This instantly sent me into agitated/angry/defense mode. I didn't blow up but I could feel myself become anxious.  I told him I wasn't sure if the woman he wanted to speak with was in the office or even available but I would go check. I asked if he had a case reference number and his name. He says no reference number and his name is John. I ask if he has a last name and he just stands there. I tell him I need a little more to go on then just "John." He finally says his last name. I walk to the back of the office and start to explain the situation to my colleague. Suddenly, "John" walks around the corner and says, "So she IS here!" I point to the front door and say, "You need to return to the lobby." He just stands there. I say, "Sir, you need to return to the lobby, now." He starts to argue and I repeat myself. Finally, he walks away. At this point I am practically seething and I don't know why. This isn't like me. I've dealt with far worse situations and handled them quite calmly but now ... Now I cannot seem to manage the level of emotion I am feeling and it scares me. Not in a I can do physical harm to someone way, but in a I'm going to say something I regret way.

 

My colleague dealt with this guy. And the guy apologized to us both but I couldn't talk to him. I was still shaking from the adrenaline rush.

 

I picked up Tara Brach's book, Radical Acceptance and am starting to read it but outside of this and once a month with an LCSW, I got nothing.

 

Thoughts anyone?

[mammaP]

I think you handled that situation remarkably well Sarabellum! It's not surprising that you were angry 

and the adrenalin was coursing through, it must have felt quite threatening and the fight or flight

response kicked in. That man was out of order and you put him in his place! 

 

It's also natural to feel stressed in your situation when nothing is certain, it would affect anyone.

You've put in so much effort and tried so hard I'm sure that nursing school will snap you up, you 

seem to have some qualities that will make you an excellent nurse, just believe in yourself.  

[Altostrata]

http://www.meetup.com/find/?allMeetups=false&keywords=meditation&radius=25&userFreeform=Louisville%2C+KY&mcId=znull&mcName=Louisville%2C+KY&sort=default&eventFilter=mysugg

[Sarabellum]

Thank you mammaP. Believing in myself is something I have always had an issue with. 

 

Thank you Altostrata. I am on Meetup.com and have been to 2 different meditation groups. I am struggling to find one that's a good fit. Everyone wants to do 45 minutes to an hour meditating and I'm just not there yet. The one I enjoy (with a Buddhist monk) is over an hour away and I am the only one present. I really don't mind this and the monk I work with is very patient with me however, he will be traveling this summer and he has encouraged me to work with one of the 'nuns' who live at the monastery. She's very sweet and I like her but I'm having trouble coordinating a day and time to meet.

 

Right now I am caught in a vicious loop of shame. I feel bad about my situation then I feel ashamed for feeling bad. I don't know how to cultivate friendships at my age and in an area so far from home. I have been working at the same place for almost 8 years and though I've tried, I cannot relate to my colleagues beyond the workplace. So all I have right now are my two adult children and a boyfriend who I can't seem to understand very well.

 

There has not been a day go by in well over a year that I haven't felt like I have no future. Every day I feel like it's my last one on earth. I can't see myself finishing school and starting a career in nursing. I can't see myself growing old. I can't see myself beyond this moment really and it's very scary. 

 

I am told I am clinically depressed. I am told I should strongly consider doing more than estradiol. I feel like I want to give up.

[Fitby50]

Hello Sara. I can really relate to your situation at work.  I too find that my emotions are so out of control these days, especially the anger.  It used to take a great deal to get me to the ANGRY point, and these days I can flair up in a frenzy in no time and then it is so hard to get calmed down.  I guess our nervous system is in such a heightened state because of WD.  I sure hope that in time, things will settle down and be more like I used to be.  I know menopause can also cause these symptoms, so I often wonder how much is female hormones too, or lack of them at our age. LOL    Why do you feel like you have no future?  Do you mean that you just don't have thoughts about your future or you just dont care?

[Sarabellum]

I have a constant sense of doom. I don't know else to explain it. All of my life I have always had hope or a sense of the future. I don't anymore and I don't know why. It's like being in a constant panic attack.

[Sarabellum]

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[Sarabellum]

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[Sarabellum]

Sorry was using my mobile and it ended up doing repeated posts.

[Fitby50]

I think I know what you mean. I have that more when I am in a bad wave.  It's not the same as depression, but something else that is hard to put into words or explain the emotion, or lack of.

[Sarabellum]

I am 10 months totally off of SSRIs now. But I feel worse than when I was on them. 

 

I am told it could be menopause or it could be severe depression. I have enough life drama to depress anyone but I've been through worse. I don't know why I can't seem to manage the emotions. 

 

It's like everything is amplified except being happy. Part of me thinks I should try going back on something for six weeks to see if it helps because I am to the point where I want to give up. I have had more bad days in the past 2 years than good and I don't feel any better. 

[Skyler]

I don't know why I can't seem to manage the emotions.

 

It's like everything is amplified except being happy. Part of me thinks I should try going back on something for six weeks to see if it helps because I am to the point where I want to give up. I have had more bad days in the past 2 years than good and I don't feel any better.

Hi SaraB... I'm sorry to hear the emotional side of WD symptoms, what SA has dubbed neuro-emotions, have hit you so hard. I'm wondering if you have read this thread? http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/137-neuro-emotion/

 

Hope you find relief is at hand soon... I found neuro-emotions harder to endure than the 'physical' symptoms of WD. Alot of docs mistakenly believe WD symptoms to be depression returning.

[Altostrata]

Sarabellum, very few health practitioners understand withdrawal syndrome could make a person feel that way.

[Sarabellum]

thanks Skyler and alostrata.

 

I really feel a lot of what I'm going through is related to menopause. I've always had issues with PMS and suffered postpartum depression pretty badly after 4 miscarriages and 2 births.

 

I was off the magnesium for a few days and I wondee if this affected me too.

 

Everything is so amplified! Not manic - I can function but insecurities are ramped up like never before. I feel like my emotions are scrambled. Like I don't know how to react to something.

 

I am learning to be observant with my thoughts and emotions but now I don't know what to do when faced with something that normally elicits a reaction.

 

It sounds crazy. People look at me strange when I say this. I hesitate telling my therapist for fear she will insist on meds.

 

I can get so caught up in indecisiveness.

[Altostrata]

Please see our Symptoms and Self-care forum for discussions about withdrawal and menopause. Many people are in the same situation.

[Fitby50]

Sara, when I am dragging through a really bad wave, I too have such issues with indecisiveness.  It is very debilitating to not be able to make such a simple dumb decision about supper, or what to buy at the grocery store.  Its like that part of the brain has just quit working and part of it too is being numb and just not caring about anything.  But then at the same time, every little thing hits so hard on the emotions like you said about being amplified.  Sara, are you having some good windows when you feel the emotions are a little more normal??

[Sarabellum]

I've been working on reading the section about symptoms and self-care. I need to spend more time on that. 

 

I feel like "two-second Tom" from the movie Fifty First Dates if anyone has seen that movie. I will read something and think, "Wow that's a great idea" only to find I have written it down before. This scares me a bit. 

 

I'm trying. I'm just so overwhelmed with finding another job, a place to live, and money to support myself through school - it's hard to concentrate on much else.

I do appreciate the support I receive here, though. Very much. Thank you everyone.

[Petunia]

Short term memory problems are also a very common withdrawal symptom, it will get better.

[Sarabellum]

I hope so Petu.

 

It's been almost a year since I've been off Zoloft and a year-and-a-half since I stopped Cymbalta. 

 

Whenever I tell doctors this they poo-poo the idea that SSRIs could cause my symptoms and chalk it up to hormones. It can be rather frustrating.

[Altostrata]

We've all experienced the same frustration!!!!

[Sarabellum]

Well what's hard is when I do encounter someone who has some knowledge of serotonin syndrome or withdrawal, they tell me it's hard to know what exactly is kicking me. Or perhaps it's both. 

What's hard is trying to go on day after day when nothing seems to get better. I really don't have a day that goes by when I'm not feeling like hopeless. So many times a day these thoughts come in. I know they are just thoughts and I don't need to engage them but it's very hard.

 

I haven't been back to meditation because the monk I was dealing with is traveling. I will go back though.

 

I did find a CBT group that meets on Mondays. I plan on going.

 

I have to believe in myself. Why is it so hard ...