☼ Wolfhound desperate on Mirtazapine

[Wolfhound]

Well, another terrible morning. Some hours in the afternoon were not such terrible except for the fatigue.

I got a doc come to me saying hd thinks i have dissociation disorder. Of course theres no withdrawal. I know that diagnosis in withdrawal are nonsense, but i feel like he can be right little bit. Dissociation is connected with trauma and i seriously feel traumatised by all docs not acknoledginck my adverse reactions and sadly i really fell dissociated. I cannot connect to my former self. I know what a kind of person i have been, what i have felt, but i feel like dead, i sometimes really feel i died in the first hospital. I cannot connect to my love for husband and children, my friends, like i was dead inside. I do not know if it makes sense.

i dont like labelling

but i think theres a grain of truth

sorry for the typos as usual i dont have a keyboard

w.

[Rhiannon]

Petu, bubble, thank you i am crying since someone replied to me.

basically it is an overehelming feeling that i must die, that there is no other possibilitx for me, like there was so strong a force thats pushing me from this world, really pushing. I am saying things to my husband that iam sorryfor the ps

Pain but i mustleave. I am constatly crying i must leave my children without mother and ruin their lu

lives. I am sorry to my beloved parents who are very ill and i know it will kill them. But it seems like it is inevitabla for meto do it. Please have you somebody feel the same?

I have readthe si thread, i am afraid i am not so strong as you, wonderful courageous people. Thank you do much i do nothave support elsewhere.

 

WH, I have absolutely experienced what you are going through. Twice I have taken an overdose of drugs when I was in withdrawal. These drugs will definitely cause the feelings and thoughts you are having.  Withdrawal from them will also cause this.

 

I suggested in another thread, please read the work of Dr. Peter Breggin on ADs and suicide. It is also common with the "mood stabilizers" like lamotrigine and gabapentin.

 

Please, just hold on, one day at a time. Take walks outside. Get as much sunshine as you can. If there is no sunshine, use therapy lights designed for seasonal affective disorder. 

 

I know this is the most terrible, awful suffering. I have experienced it too and IT WENT AWAY! I know absolutely that feeling that my being alive is only a burden to the people I love and that I am not helping them, and of course that life itself is a burden of suffering too great to manage.

 

What you cannot know right now is that people love you very much and they would be devastated, and hurt for the rest of their lives, if you harm yourself.  Also what you cannot believe or know right now is that joy will come back to you and in the future you will be very glad that you survived. But this is the truth. This time of darkness WILL pass, it will, and you will love life again. I promise you this.

 

Please, please hang in there. I know how even a whole day can feel like a heavy burden; when that happens, just take it five minutes at a time.

 

And if it helps, perhaps you can give yourself permission to end it in some future time. That sounds strange but it has helped me. If I remind myself that yes, I will die eventually, it is inevitable, I will get that release, just not today; and if I continue to suffer this same amount and to desire death with this same strength, I will allow myself to die once my children are grown up and have their own families--sometimes to think that, has helped me to get through this day.

 

My heart and my thoughts are with you. Courage! 

[flower]

My thoughts are with you...flower

[bubble]

how was the day today?

 

I would disregard what doctors said. They gave you the medication that caused awful and strange reactions they cannot understand and now want to stick some labels to make themselves feel better and reduce their feeling of uselessness. But how will that help? Just cloud the perspective.

 

It seems that in such situations only time can help for things to go back to normal. In the meantime we can only endure.

 

hang in there.

[Wolfhound]

Thank you everyone.

bubble, the problem is that last three days i am starting feeling more and more odd. I would appreciate your opinions you wonderful people.

first, fatigue, but ok, its normal. But then i really feel dissociated, i feel i am disconnecting myself from myself more and more, i am like a robot, i have a complete chaos in my head, i keep asking myself who i am, i have a feeling that i am forgetting my name, like my name was something that was actually floating away from me and i cannot reach it, like my identity was dying at these precious moments and i am only watching unable to capture the identity i had been.

yesterday i was at home. Doc wanted me to ho home to see what happens. I have been at home before, but this time it was strange, incredibly strange. I watched my husband and children. I kept watching them and have not been able to connect them, to feel anthing. I kept asking myself: are they my family?are they the people i loved?sincerely i felt anything if it had been dogs or aliens it would have been the same. The children were laughing and crying mummy is home stay with us, they gave me their most beloved things for i can have them in hospital, they wrote me papers mummy you are our biggest love....and i stood there and watched them not being able to feel, to communicate only to keep asking who am i who are they?

I am scared to death. Right now i do not really know who i am. I feel i died.

[bubble]

dear wolfhound,

 

I think I understand how you are feeling. It seems suicidal urges have been replaced by this deeply disturbing state. It's not just anhedonia where you can't feel anything about things and people and lack any emotional response but also cognitive like your thoughts are disconnected from you?

 

I had such periods when I abruptly stopped taking that AD but they were brief, a few days.

 

Hope others come with their opinions.

 

Can you look into anhedonia under symptoms and see if what you are experiencing is similar to what people describe there?

 

Have there been any changes with your medication?

 

I wish we could give you an email of an expert doctor who knows something about adverse effects of psychotropic meds.

 

Try not to be scared. However horrible,it will pass,it's just temporary. We are here for you and thank you for writing.

 

Big hug,

bubble

[Wolfhound]

I forgot to thank Rhi for hef wonderful post.

[moodyblues78]

Hi Wolfhound

 

Sounds like your family loves you very much. I know what it feels like not being able to feel anything. It is very scary. But you have your children to show you what love is. You may not feel it now but you will. It just takes time. In the meantime we are here to help and support each other.

 

Hang in there. Things will get better. 

[Wolfhound]

I will look at it, i know a littlebit about anhedonia.

but this is mostly about disconnecting myself from ny former self including forgetting memories, including the feeling that i dont know what a person i really am.

suicidal ideation was not replaced, unfortunately.

thanks

[Wolfhound]

Hi Wolfhound

 

Sounds like your family loves you very much. I know what it feels like not being able to feel anything. It is very scary. But you have your children to show you what love is. You may not feel it now but you will. It just takes time. In the meantime we are here to help and support each other.

 

Hang in there. Things will get better.

 

in a way its somewhat terrible for me, seeing the big love around and not being able to connect.

My mother and father in law support me. They take careof children a lot. Myparents too. It's heartbreaking to see my almost 90 years old dad to drive a long way in a car and bad weather to see me here. Even my sister in law comes, and to tell you she had a diffucult time with my brother, divorce and so on.

and i feel nothing, i really feel there is a new me, however it may seem strange

[Wolfhound]

Thank you Moodyblues78. Every opinion is valuable for me.

[bubble]

oh, I know that feeling when my mother,father and dearest baby brother came to visit me to hospital and I was just an empty ruin unable to feel anything,operating on an auto-pilot.

 

Don't feel bad,you would do the same for them. Accepting is sometimes harder than giving...

 

All we can do is repeat it will pass...

[moodyblues78]

 

and i feel nothing, i really feel there is a new me, however it may seem strange

 

 

I`m sure that is not the case. You will find yourself again. Don`t dwell on it and try not let it scare you. Give yourself time. That is all I can say. I have felt like that more than once in my life. It went away.

[Wolfhound]

I will give it a try. Quite difficult not to dwell on it when i am forgetting my name...

i dont know actually, wd related or trauma related. Living so much time with psychic akathisia and fighting with medical professionals....i feel like i have been to war, everyday with death and nothing but death in my head

[Karma]

WH

 

I am so sorry for you suffering.  As Rhi said, just hang on - hang on one minute, one hour, one day at time.  This will pass.  You will feel again and you will be able to connect again. 

 

Even if you can't connect to the love of your family right now, can you accept that it is there?  It is there and it is huge and beautiful.  Maybe you can't do anything with that.  But just know that there is a huge ball of love right in front of you and one day you will break through and be able to feel it.  It is worth it to hang in there until you can once again feel even a miniscule portion of the love they are bringing.  You see, we can see it just through your writing ... that is how powerful it is.

 

If it is possible don't resist what you are feeling.  Try not to hold on to the feelings and just let them pass through your mind.  They have less power if you don't resist them.

 

I have not suffered to the degree you are suffering, but when I did experience withdrawals I was so certain that I was going to die that I made financial arrangements to ensure my family would be cared for once I was gone.  As you can see, I am not gone.  I feel joy frequently ... it is my measure of healing.  It took a lot of time to get to this point, but it is so worth it.

 

Love and light,

 

Karma

[mammaP]

It will get better Wolfhound, I very much remember the same feelings that you are describing

and I am living proof that it does pass. Karma is right about letting the thoughts pass, when you try and

deny them, or fight them they become stronger.  Let them through and they will pass on. They are not yours

and have no control.  You will regain feelings and will again look at your children with love.  You have a lot

of people who love you very much and you will be back with them in your heart. 

 

I am so sorry you are going through this, and I hope that each day is just a tiny bit better than the last.

Sending warm hugs for you. 

[Wolfhound]

Thank you.

i had an awful afternoon. Not much suicidal, but anamnestic, i truly could not remember who i am or was. I was in bed with teribble zaps, when my husband came i asked him WHo are you , he was frighntened but then i vaguely remembered. But i then suffered from aphony, i had it once months ago, i was only able to write. It went away after two hours nobody noticed. Now i speak and know my name and know my nickname on web but these were horrific hours i know everything is possible in withdrawal butwhat the hell it is.

[alex]

Wolfhound;let me tell you that I understand completely the hell your'e going through because I've been there.

This is by far the most terryfing experience of my life.

Dreadful, obsessive thoughts about death....I know.

But you MUST know and cling to this fact: IT GETS BETTER.

At 18 months off from a nasty drug like Effexor, I have to tell you that the unbearable, terryfing days are behind.

It has been an unbelievable hard and scary  process;I didn't know I was so strong, but we are, you are.

SURVIVAL MODE Woulfhound;survive the day, keep on walking, be gentle and compassionate to yourself, hang in there and the reward will be wonderful.

 

Sending you healing vibes all the way from tropical Costa Rica, A.

 

PS One last thing: there is a lot of fear involved in this condition; don't let it overwhelm you.

[Wolfhound]

Thank you all.

Wel, i survived another days.

but the anamnesia/aphony thing scares me extremely.

when i forget who i am i loose every last bond to life

omg, what is with my brain thats so damaged

[Petunia]

Hi Wolfhound,

I'm glad you got through another day, that's the way we have to do it, one day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at a time.

 

There is no need to worry about these new symptoms of feeling strange around your family and forgetting who people are.  Or forgetting who you are and feeling like you have lost your identity.

 

What you are experiencing is called Depersonalization and Derealization or DP/DR for short.  Its very common in withdrawal, its also a symptom of anxiety, part of the fight or flight response. 

 

Here is a thread about it:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1766-derealizationdepersonalization/?hl=depersonalization

 

There is a support forum just for DP/DR, many people experience this for other reasons besides medication withdrawal, you might find it helpful to read through some of the posts there:

 

http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/

 

I know how awful it is to be experiencing DP/DR, I had it badly for quite a long time and didn't know what it was.  I still get it at times and it hasn't gone away completely, but its much better now, still comes in waves, along with other symptoms, but it will go away as you recover.

 

Its a good sign that your symptoms are changing, it might feel unpleasant, but it shows that your nervous system is attempting to repair itself.

 

Petu.

 

 

[bubble]

Dear Wolfhond,

 

I'm really happy so many people got on board to support you in these awful times. I don't know much about DR/DP so what Petu wrote is important for me as well. When you know what is happening and that this has been documented, that people go through it and it passes, there is less fear.

 

I particularly like that last observation that Petu made: these are signs that your nervous system has undertaken repair works.

 

Just don't let doctors throw it off balance with any other medication.

 

Accepting momements as they come and letting them go, trying not to project them into the future-that's the best thing you can do right now. It's passing...

 

big hug,

 

bubble

Hi Wolfhound,

I'm glad you got through another day, that's the way we have to do it, one day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at a time.

 

There is no need to worry about these new symptoms of feeling strange around your family and forgetting who people are.  Or forgetting who you are and feeling like you have lost your identity.

 

What you are experiencing is called Depersonalization and Derealization or DP/DR for short.  Its very common in withdrawal, its also a symptom of anxiety, part of the fight or flight response. 

 

Here is a thread about it:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1766-derealizationdepersonalization/?hl=depersonalization

 

There is a support forum just for DP/DR, many people experience this for other reasons besides medication withdrawal, you might find it helpful to read through some of the posts there:

 

http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/

 

I know how awful it is to be experiencing DP/DR, I had it badly for quite a long time and didn't know what it was.  I still get it at times and it hasn't gone away completely, but its much better now, still comes in waves, along with other symptoms, but it will go away as you recover.

 

Its a good sign that your symptoms are changing, it might feel unpleasant, but it shows that your nervous system is attempting to repair itself.

 

Petu.

[Rhiannon]

Thank you all.

Wel, i survived another days.

but the anamnesia/aphony thing scares me extremely.

when i forget who i am i loose every last bond to life

omg, what is with my brain thats so damaged

 

Good for you! Keep walking it one day at a time, or one hour, or sometimes just five minutes. It works. It's going to get better. It may take a while, but you'll get there.

[Rhiannon]

Thank you everyone.

bubble, the problem is that last three days i am starting feeling more and more odd. I would appreciate your opinions you wonderful people.

first, fatigue, but ok, its normal. But then i really feel dissociated, i feel i am disconnecting myself from myself more and more, i am like a robot, i have a complete chaos in my head, i keep asking myself who i am, i have a feeling that i am forgetting my name, like my name was something that was actually floating away from me and i cannot reach it, like my identity was dying at these precious moments and i am only watching unable to capture the identity i had been.

yesterday i was at home. Doc wanted me to ho home to see what happens. I have been at home before, but this time it was strange, incredibly strange. I watched my husband and children. I kept watching them and have not been able to connect them, to feel anthing. I kept asking myself: are they my family?are they the people i loved?sincerely i felt anything if it had been dogs or aliens it would have been the same. The children were laughing and crying mummy is home stay with us, they gave me their most beloved things for i can have them in hospital, they wrote me papers mummy you are our biggest love....and i stood there and watched them not being able to feel, to communicate only to keep asking who am i who are they?

I am scared to death. Right now i do not really know who i am. I feel i died.

 

Sounds like DP/DR, Petu has explained that, it's disconcerting but normal.

[flower]

W is this all from trazadone wd? This drug is so fifferent to wd from but yet is suppose to be a weak anti d.....I dont think so..Moving into my second week, no celexa no trazadone.....

 

The tinnitus is slowly easing.The wd is just under the surface. I've begun to push the klonopin to every 8 hours and soon to every 10..then 12.I will try soon to alternate vistiril for 3 or 4 days a week....I've used vistiril in the past with no problems, for sleep and anxiety. For what it is worth.Its better than nothing.

[Altostrata]

Wolfhound had an instant bad reaction to trazodone.

 

flower, since you went off both Celexa and trazodone, your symptoms could be withdrawal from either or both.

 

Many people here going off trazodone find it difficult to reduce, like any other psych drug.

 

In my opinion, you probably were suffering from a reaction between Celexa and trazodone, as described in detail in http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2883-tips-for-tapering-off-trazodone-desyrel/

[flower]

Yes Alto I believe you...I've been in this boat so many times..Pray W.....it has to get better...

[mattinsmom]

I am not sure if this makes sense but there are times that I need to put distance between life and myself, including myself and myself. Sometimes I am "too much with the world" and need to mentally/spiritually step away so that I don't need to physically.

 

I've been where you are. It is an ugly space. It visits. It passes. You will not always feel so bad. Keep talking. Keep reaching out. Don't give up. You are a miracle in progress.

 

I hope you can feel the big m&m hug I'm sending.

[bubble]

Thank you Amy, for these nic ewords on behalf of Wolfhound: I had a very similar idea when I opened her thread: Keep talking. Keep reaching out. 

 

we would like to hear from you. But respect that at the moment you might need peace, quiet and silence...

[bubble]

we haven't heard from you for long...

 

but thinking about you....

[bubble]

we are still here for you hoping that those horrible moments will begin to pass...

[mammaP]

Checking in to see how you are Wolfhound. Hope you are feeling better. 

[moodyblues78]

Hi Wolfhound.

 

I just wanted to give you a small advice that seems to work for me.

 

These symptoms you are having cause a huge amount of fear and anxiety.

 

Try to keep in mind that all that this fear can do to you is make you scared. Do not fight it. It is ok to be scared. Just ride along and it will eventually pass. It may take a long time but it always does. Just breath and let yourself be scared for as long as it takes.

 

Once you stop being afraid of your fears, they will not scare you anymore and they will fade away. It won`t be easy but it seems to be working for me and I am a pro in worrying and being afraid of everything. I learned it from home. 

[bubble]

this is an extremely useful advice that will help me as well!

[tezza]

WH, hang in there, it will get better. It's hard to believe that right now, I understand, I've been there too. Several members have already said this, I know, but just chiming in.

 

It can take a long time but it does happen!

[mattinsmom]

Chiming in as well. Hoping to hear from you soon. You can do this and there are a bunch of us rooting for you.

[Wolfhound]

Thanks everybody for writing.

i am no more able to participate much being in such an abyss

Thank you