☼ Wolfhound desperate on Mirtazapine

[mammaP]

Hi Wolfhound, thank you for popping by, we are all here for you and think about you often.

 

Mamma hugs for you xxx

[Petunia]

i am no more able to participate much being in such an abyss

I understand, and thank you for letting us know how you are. Are you still able to find some comfort and support from reading the posts of others here, I hope so, its fine if you aren't up to answering.

 

(hugs)

[Muddles]

My heart breaks for you. I have a lot of your symtoms trying to withdraw from Mirtazapine.

I will pray for you. One day soon you will heal - you have to believe.

[Wolfhound]

 

i am no more able to participate much being in such an abyss

 

I understand, and thank you for letting us know how you are. Are you still able to find some comfort and support from reading the posts of others here, I hope so, its fine if you aren't up to answering.

 

(hugs)

petu thank you so much

i read from time to time

but sincerely, it causes me more distress and makes me more suicidal in fact im suicidal from the withdrawal but reading about years if protracted withdrawal makes me want to die immediately

i think i cant handle it

constant ideation became worse

Last weekend i say goid bye to my kids

i am seeing my parents and in laws and i think it is the very last time

cannot handle medication

cannot handle the suicidality

cannit reach out for help everybody will think medication will help but with my atypical adverse reactions i wont

reaching out for help online is not so effective

So what will they do with somebody severely suicidal?

[Petunia]

 

i read from time to time

but sincerely, it causes me more distress and makes me more suicidal in fact im suicidal from the withdrawal but reading about years if protracted withdrawal makes me want to die immediately

 

 

I understand this, when I'm feeling very bad I also find it makes me feel worse if I read anything here, but sometimes I will keep searching for that one post or story which seems to relate to what I'm feeling and adds a touch of hope,  sometimes it works and I find something which lifts me up slightly, but I have to be very careful to avoid anything which is distressing, until I'm feeling better.  Feeling better does happen, even if only slightly better for a few moments to start with.  You are here, reading and posting again, this means you have found a reason, some hope, some meaning again. It may only last a short while this time and you may not recognize it but its a sign of healing and it will return again and again.  Slowly and surely bringing you out of the state you are in and back into the light, back to your life.

 

cannot handle the suicidality

cannit reach out for help everybody will think medication will help but with my atypical adverse reactions i wont

reaching out for help online is not so effective

So what will they do with somebody severely suicidal?

 

 

It may feel like you cannot handle it, but you are.  You are handling it.  Each day you live through it is making you stronger and better able to handle it.  Each moment is making you stronger. Its not going to last for ever, it will go away eventually as you continue to recover from the drug reaction.

 

Sometimes online help isn't effective, but in your case it IS because this is one of the few places that understands what's really going on and can remind you that the way you are feeling, including the suicidal feelings is caused by a drug reaction....... and that in time, you will completely recover.

 

What can we do with someone severely suicidal?  We can remind you that its being caused by a drug reaction which will heal over time so long as you keep living, one day at a time.  We can't tell you when you will feel better, but we can remind you that you will feel better.

 

We will be here for you when you feel up to posting again.

 

(hugs)

[Wolfhound]

Petu

you are such a sweet person

thank you

Online support is wonderful

but i need something more real

and the reality last 14 days is that its worsening, passive ideation is becoming active

i knew i did nit want to die but now i simply want and i started planning it

 

The worse i gave away pics of my kids its serious

drug on not drug i decided to end it thats why i am writing about support i am sure menral zealth professionals will administer ect

since i hit the bottom i could deal with the passive thoughts but now its spiralling

well i know i may pass but everyday i feel worse and i know that it us not the bottom everybody here talks about 6 months or 9 months into withdrawal being the worse

so dont know what to do reach out here and ect

or carry on planning

been reading all suicidal sites but useless for me

[mammaP]

Did you get in touch with Dr Healey Muddles? I'm sure he could help you if you explain

all this to him, or send him a link to this thread. He will know what is best for you, he understands

all about the effects of drugs and withdrawal from them. 

 

I feel for you so much, I remember the times when I was just the same. It was a compulsion, I didn't

want to die but was so messed up it seemed the only option.   

 

It is the drugs and not you. Get through today, just today.  Are you up to going out? A gentle walk 

will help a little. Distraction techniques sound like the last thing you can do but really would help.

Look at youtube for babies or dogs or whatever makes you smile but try and resist the strong 

urge to look at suicide sites.  Make lists of things you would like to do, simple achievable things.

Choose an activity and break it down into a list of steps,  every little step, then as you do the

things on the list you can tick them off. I swear that looking at a list with everything ticked off 

can be very therapeutic! 

 

Try one thing today, anything that will keep your mind occupied just for a short time.

I really feel for you, I have been where you are and can remember it vividly, I wish I could take it away

for you but I can't and all I can do is think of things that helped me through some of the darkest days. 

VERY squishy Mamma hugs for you. xx

[Wolfhound]

Mammap,

thank you so much, you are such a kind person.

i am extremely tired, not able togo out, i have a cold and am in bed, nit able to concentrate or tothink about anything else.

i have been reading your story many times, thank you for sharing

i cannot see children or dogs it remains me of my own children and i start crying i must leave them alone

i had such terrible impulses, i almost got out to go and jump from the church roof an hour ago, its so unbearable

my husband is praying me not to leave, he wants me to do ect to break the cycle

i am obssessed like you have been, actually i was searching for help on the suicidal sites

i found a nice site from douglas bloch, a therapist, its about depression and i have induced depression but it is interesting

dont know if i could find somebody online as i dont have skype and not much money

thank you forreading dear mammap

[Wolfhound]

Who is dr muddles?

[Wolfhound]

Wcannot google him.

[Skyler]

Did you get in touch with Dr Healey Muddles?

 

It's Dr. Healy

 

Muddles is the forum member mammaP is responding to.

[Wolfhound]

 

 

Aha,

ok

thanks

dont think that dr healy has time to reply to emails though

[mammaP]

Oh Wolfhound I am so sorry, I was thinking it was you who was trying to contact Dr Healey

but it was Muddles, it's me that's one huge muddle   I apologise for that! 

 

I feel for you so very much and hope that you can get even a glimmer of peace in your day.

I'm sorry you have a cold too, that is not what you need right now! 

[Wolfhound]

Mammap

i would like to enter in contact with david healy! But i dont think he has enough time to reply to worldwide correspondence.

Maybe i will try writing to dr. Shipko, he may answer.

i love your posts

you are amazing

[mammaP]

Thank you Wolfhound but you are the one who is amazing coping with all this, you are

still here and that takes huge strength! 

[Nikki]

Wolfhound I have never taken the meds you were put on, but I have had my share of WD experiences so I get where you are coming from.  Is there another doctor you might be able to see?  Do any of your friends or family members know of a better doctor?

 

The WD from trazadone and mirtazapine can be very rough....why can't they see that and how it has affected you....does Klonopin help you at all?

 

I am so sorry your are going thru this....

[Wolfhound]

Nikki,

thank you for the insight.

i do not see a better doctor in my country. I have spoken to the psychiatristy from the best clinic here. When i told them that i think i have an induced depression and suicidality from two cold turkeys (and those in a 5 week span), they seem to laugh at me. Basically everyone labeled me emocionally unstable having no insight of her personality blaming the drugs and not herself.but everyone now seems to acknoledge my antidepressants reactions-with this i have no problem, akathisia and so on, they dont blame me, but they simply laugh at the mention of the withdrawal.

i do think that the problem is without solution. Tiny bits you use for stopping withdrawal symptoms give me akathisia, so iam trapped.

[Wolfhound]

What i cannot beAr is the huge suicidal urge, without rest and worsening.

i can bear a lot of things, neuro fear, neoro regret, physical symptoms, but live day after day with such a huge induced suicidality...

15 years ago, i have had chronic fatigue syndrom for about 18 months. I was homebound and bedbound for 6 months, being only able to pee and not sometimes being able to go to the kitchen

so i know whar is like to live with terrible exhaustion and a myriad of other symptoms, lik3 gastrointestinal problems, immuno problems, constant high temperature and so on

i have experience.

this condition is unbearable.

[mattinsmom]

Hi

 

I'm checking in and sorry to see that you are still having such a steady struggle. I had a few rough days there, reminders of how sh*tty things can feel. And today was ok. You are probably sick of hearing it, but this will pass. It will ease up.

 

Its probably really dorky to quote something from Face Book but, I'm a dork. There is a post that reads "The most courageous thing I have ever done was to keep living when I wanted to die". You are showing that courage right now. You are so much stronger than you think.

 

Please know that even if I don't post I am reading what is going on and you are in my prayers.

 

Don't let go. Keep holding on. 

[flower]

W..the klo opin is really helping for what its worth.just dont do a lot of it for tapering it later...I cold tirkeyed the celexa and trazadone over 3 weeks ago.. I know this isnt smart but I know it was the right thing to do.. I havent heard from you please let me know how you are...did we connect on fb? Dont be frightened to take the benzo if it helps you...my doc believes it will be easier to deal with than the 2 drugs that have been making me ill. Let us help each other...dark thoughts will come and go...crying will seem to go on forever....the wd depression from traz goes on for a while...my pain doc believes it will start to ease a little after a couple more weeks. If klonopin helps a little then so be it...

[Wolfhound]

Well, its pretty horrific what the damaged brain is doing to me.

since all my misadveture started, i kept saying to all mental health professionals that its nit me. That i am only a mere visitor to my brain and just look at what it is doing to me and keep fighting all the urges.

in withdrawal, nobody believes, i dont repeite it, dont have the stamina, am exhausted.

why am i writing this?

This morning i awoke in peaceful serenity. First in months. I caught myself smiling at everyone. I caught myself thinking about suicide, with such a peace. I caught my brain repeiting to me that on monday, i have to do it, enjoy your last weekend, and thats it. It kept going like this all day long in my head, all day long.

Sincerely, i am at my wits end.

maybe there are people who live months and years 24/7 with nothing but suicide in their heads, but i dont know. I keep losing all my hope and strength about healing. Would i be one of the lot, would i become another victim of antidepressants?

how would my children grow up?

Parental death will resolve in huge trauma. Consider Sylvia Plath. How could i spread my pain in my family?

I was always belived and devoted mother but its gone, dont feel it. I am simply losing my coping skills in the combat.

dont know what to do when things worsening.

[mattinsmom]

When things are worsening you hold on tighter.

 

This is only my opinion. I don't know how things work where you are, or if this is even a reasonable consideration, but if you are convinced that suicide is the only option you have available you need to reach out for more professional help. I hear that you are sick of doctors and medication, we all are, but sometimes they are necessary. I wish I had some ideas to offer to help you with your struggles. Your desperation concerns me. I know what it feel like to think about suicide. I know what it feels like to want to die. I know that once those thoughts and desires become pleasant and comforting I have crossed a line and it is time to seek out professional help.  

 

Personal note, my mom died when I was 15. I will never get over it. I am 45 and still need a mom. Don't let go. 

[bubble]

I'm so glad you are posting again!

 

It sounded like you're not in hospital any more?

 

I don't have anything smart to say except that I admire you immensely, like someone conquering one of the poles walking through the merciles environment.

When I came to the sentence:This morning I awoke in peaceful serenity.First in many months...I thought to myself:OMG,THIS Is A WINDOW!IT's HAPPENING! I also see that you are very worriedabout not feeling your kids but at the same time you do feel for them so very much when you write about the idea of causing them pain.

 

I saw somebody posted about getting a reply from dr.healey,he probobly works with a team of people so do write.

 

I'm scared of saying something stupid here and not sure it will help...I recently mentioned my father committing suicide. As it turned out I was the last person to speak to him alive. What I remember most is a total detachment from me (and all the people he loved). He couldn't think about us or anything else. You sound so very opposite to him... I hope this doesn't upset you.

 

I'm so glad you can share with us again.

 

In addition, amidst all the horror you continue to go through you were able to reach out to me and respond to my distress in that beautiful pm.

 

I was so touched reading it and it was such a clear sign you are still there, beaitiful, compassionate and caring person, strong under all this rubble.

 

I don't want to appear falsely optimistic or not hearing the excuciating ideation or the feeling you've reached the end of the theter (if that's the expression) but I feel things are moving forward and you are slightly better than some time ago.

 

Huge huge!

[Petunia]

This morning i awoke in peaceful serenity. First in months. I caught myself smiling at everyone.

 

... and you are still alive.  You have been able to find some moments of peace and serenity, maybe by letting go in your mind, but its happening.  The thoughts of suicide are just a trick, you can feel peaceful while alive by letting go and just being in that one peaceful moment.  This is a small window and very good, you are starting to heal.

 

I sometimes think about Sylvia Plath and wonder how a mother could give up and leave her young children, knowing that it will cause them to suffer emotional pain and trauma.  Maybe she didn't know that, because she was so caught up in her own suffering, but you are different, you understand and still have a deep connection and concern for your family.  This will give you the strength to keep going, just a little longer.  The suicidal thoughts go away, at first a little, then for longer.  I have never had ongoing suicidal thoughts, but this is what I have read from members who have been through it.

 

Hold onto those little moments of peace, they are the real you underneath the drug reaction.

 

(hugs)

 

Petu.

[Wolfhound]

When things are worsening you hold on tighter.

 

This is only my opinion. I don't know how things work where you are, or if this is even a reasonable consideration, but if you are convinced that suicide is the only option you have available you need to reach out for more professional help. I hear that you are sick of doctors and medication, we all are, but sometimes they are necessary. I wish I had some ideas to offer to help you with your struggles. Your desperation concerns me. I know what it feel like to think about suicide. I know what it feels like to want to die. I know that once those thoughts and desires become pleasant and comforting I have crossed a line and it is time to seek out professional help.  

 

Personal note, my mom died when I was 15. I will never get over it. I am 45 and still need a mom. Don't let go.

 

amy,

you got it right. You always do.

I know you know what its like. Maybe one thing you may not know the torment of psychic akathisia, the unbearable inner restlessness together with suicidal and homicidal urges. And thats aggravaging everything. Dr. Yolanda Lucire wrote about akathisia a lot.

i simply find the idea of dying on monday very comforting. Its terrible but its like nothing existed. I am not a native speaker so i may notexpress myself with your amazing accuracy, but i really feel desperate.

when you are in hell, keep going. Thats what i always told myslf. But it does not work anymore.

medication no optionfor me i overract to tiny bits of everything inwithdrawal and even before it as you can read in my history.

[Wolfhound]

Petu,

it was not a window. I had three days in my journey which were windows.

this was definitely the serenity that comes before death. Tho comforting feeling of ending the akathisia, the ongoing preparatives. And its worsening. I know there are people who had it, but for me its worsening and becoming unbearable.

i value your words very much.

i understand sylvia plath very much. She reached a point of no exit. Like me.i a hink aboutmy children but i am so ob8ssessed i cant stop. Mammap wrote about it a lot.

one more thing about plath. There has been some controversy about her suicide being linked to the use of antidepressants she was prescribexd only days prior to her death. Her husband claimed afterwards that it was a drug she had been prescribed it the states before and had had a bad reaction to it. But then there were voices about her husband trying co cover the fact that she was desperate about his adultery. We will never know.

[Wolfhound]

I an thinking a lot about David Foster Wallace and what he has been through. I can relate to his pain so much. Willing to try everything. And this everything made his condition worse.

[bubble]

i was scared reading about ECT:willing to do anything to find out it only made things worse.

 

But I am sure absolutely all of us understand this. I say in such situation I'd eat crocodiles in hope of a little relief. After I came here I was shocked to find out that not doing anything brought relief.

 

I'm a bit ashamed to write this since my agony was not as awful as yours but I'm so happy you find people here you can relate to.

[Wolfhound]

Thank you bubble

you are such an understanding person.

yes, ect is scary, no doubt about it. But i understand the people who go for it. I understand the agony of RFW. I am in a situation i would consent for a lobotomy.

Not doing anything and let time heal is important.

but reaching out in a situation that amy writes about may be also crucial, dont know

how are you bubble?

I am thinking about you and whar you wrote about childhood. Its heartbreaking.

[Wolfhound]

And i keep thinkg those days that everything is related not only to my genetics, as it is for sure,

but to my chronic fatigue syndrome years ago. These are the consequences. I have read that a huge amount of people with cfs is not able to tolerate medication of any kind. My cfs was somwhat dormant, but when you had it once, it shows some instability.but not a single doc knows what is the cause of cfs

[bubble]

I can't even imagine not doing anything, waiting for a relief, and instead feeling things getting worse.

 

And yet you have survived and endured!

 

And found the space to reach out to me in my distress to show your beautiful person is still there and strong.

 

I'm doing a lot better. So exhausted and drained after being hit by a truck of my old traumas.. I wrote it on the thread that I feel sharing on this forum with people who care and understand made it happen for me.

 

Rainy Saturday is perfect for my needs now.

 

You know I soooo much wish there was something I could do to make things at least a bit easier for you.

 

Big hug

[Wolfhound]

Dont know if its already here, so posting. Its about akathisia. I dont have it now so much as before but i have other suicidality.

http://psychrights.org/articles/newdrugsnewproblems.htm

[bubble]

scarry but great article. Wish my psychiatrist could read English. I don't know if any psychiatrist in my country ever reads something like this.

 

They still propagate the view that everything would be ok if only patients took their meds. And all the side effects are explained:look how ill these people are!what would they do without us.

 

I will again cautiously say that the fact that you have less of akathisia (and other things you were mentioning) indicates your brain is slowly recovering despite this strong suicidal ideation.

 

I hope this article gave you more strenght and conviction

[Wolfhound]

Bubble

I acknowledge one thing. The shrinks in the clinic, the most prestigious over here, are really smart. Yep, they say everything you mentioned but I guess that they say it because of the patients. I do think they read critical articles. What they retain is other thing, unfortunately.

I got a reply from David Healy saying I am a case that cannot be handled online. I was expecting this. But gave it a try.

[EternalOptimist]

I knew of someone recovering from benzo , and, I think, an AD, who rec overed from akathesia. Thought he wouldn't, but finally it got much better. So guess its about time. Hang in there.

[mammaP]

Hi Wolfhound, I know the feeling you are experiencing, the peace that comes

from the knowledge that it will end on X day. Knowing that it isn't going to go on for another

single day after that.  When I was in that state I they called it 'agitated depression' .  

Yolana Lucire writes excellent articles and I can see you and I in them, many others here too.

 

I wanted to disappear, and could not do nothing. I had to go out, somewhere, anywhere.

The inner torment was something I could never find words for. Now it is akathisia.( Not sure

if that's the right spelling.)   

Once I was out I would run away from the hospital and look for places to hide. Once I found

the perfect place, under a tombstone! It was like a bed, the stone rested on 2 stones each end

and was perfect.  Until I noticed the beer cans and fast food wrappers and realised it was someone 

else's perfect spot too and didn't fancy sharing! It was actually worse in the hospital because I was 

away from my family and they were getting on with life without me, they wouldn't miss me if I was gone

forever. I was dead anyway, whatever made me had disappeared and was never coming back. 

 

I didn't exist any more in my mind. All I had to do was dispose of the body that was tormenting me by

refusing to die, or even sleep. Oh my, remembering all this now I am shaking my head in disbelief!  

I didn't know anything about medications, or that they made people so sick.  There was no internet then,

at least for most ordinary people, so information wasn't freely available.  

I am glad I didn't commit suicide.  I would not have been there for my girls when they got married, had

their children. I wouldn't have been there to hold my son's hand when he had a serious brain bleed. 

He was critically ill but his vitals settled when I arrived and took his hand. I wouldn't have been there

when my husband died. My children would have been orphans, 2 of them school age. 

 

None of us know what the future holds, and even though I thought my kids didn't need me then,  they

did need me, more than I could have imagined at that time.  I am glad I am still here, even though I still 

feel withdrawal, and at some time almost every day I feel like I want to die.  I know what it is now, and 

know it will pass.

 

It will pass for you too. If it helps you to have a day when it will all end, then do that. And on Monday, 

find another day, not too far away. I have got through some equally bad times in withdrawal last year

by telling myself that it can be tomorrow. Always tomorrow. That got me through all the 'todays' . 

One day you will wake up and realise that today you actually feel just a teeny bit better and I hope it is very soon.