☼ moodyblues78: The fight is on (Zoloft/Diazepam)

[moodyblues78]

I am ok, thanks, Moody.

I just wonder. Did you have any wd symptoms when tapering 0.1 mg each week (from 1 mg and down)? I would love to do that, but it seems impossible for me.

 

Yes, plenty. I don`t think I found any stability until few months after jumping. Then I destroyed everything with too much stress and crashed badly in the end of last year. The more you fear those last few steps the harder they are. We are so badly sensitized by this experience that any fear throws us from wall to another so very easily. I went down 0.1mg each weak if there was no significant worsening of symptoms and I took breaks if symptoms grew.

 

I would also like to say that many people fear being 3, 6, 9 (and so on) months off. There is no magic in those milestones. We are just afraid of them and while being sensitized by these drugs we took, we react badly to our fears. Those dates are just triggers.

 

Nothing else has helped me more in coping with my symptoms than learning to surrender to them. Even hoping that i would suffer. You see, that kind of state of mind and approach takes the fear out of fear. Slowly. Drugs sensitized us and fear keeps us sensitized. The damage has been done with drugs and we need to learn to live again. We need to build a new brain. It is possible but much much harder than healing a broken bone. 

 

Still it can be done! 

[AmyK]

Thanks Moody. Fear plays a big part in my "wd life". I am terrified of bad wd and feeling bad...and not be able to do stuff and being there for my family. But your thoughts reminds me of a clip I saw with Eckhart Tolle about not fearing the fear. Sometimes we put more amount of energy on what might happen, then the energy we need to upbring to deal with things when/if they happen.

All the best to you.

[brassmonkey]

Those are two very important points to make about the trigger dates and dealing with the fear. I hae to admit that I'm worried about the "10 month wave" after i make the jump later this year. I try not to dwell on it, but the seed is on my brain. As for fearing the fear, it's the worst thing we can do. Thank you for the excellent post.

 

Brass

[moodyblues78]

Silence. It`s a wonderful thing. I have not experienced many silent moments during the past 5 years. 

 

I took my son with me to about 10km bicycle ride to a nearby river today. We stopped at the river bank for a break. No noise. Just some birds singing. There was no sound of cars, no airplanes. There was no buzzing, hissing or 25 different tones ringing in my head. Just a peaceful moment. In silence. Just me and my son. We were both happy. Just talking about whatever came to our minds.

 

What a great, beautiful moment. 

[Sertramean]

Those moments are so rare and, in my experience, never happen on the drugs. A proper spiritual moment. I'm so pleased you could share it with your son.

 

A wonderful post.

[moodyblues78]

I`m back. 

 

Not that anyone was expecting but here I am. I try not to complain these days. There`s enough of that here already. I`ve said it many times. Still a dear friend on mine suggested that I would reveal some of my recent suffering to give some perspective. So here goes...

 

I jumped off all meds in dec 2014. The beginning of 2015 was okish but scary. I had one more thing to resolve. My tinnitus and very bad reactivity to sound. There were many very common symptoms aswell but this was my worst. I had been distratcing myself from it for years so it had grown to be a much bigger trigger than I ever expected. 

 

So I begun to face this last fear of mine. I tried to live and sleep without masking sounds, etc. It was not easy but I managed. Unfortunately at the same time my work got twice as stressful as it had been so far. I was already finding it extremely hard to cope with fulltime job and kids with all this suffering. I did not have the courage to say that I was on the edge and could not take anymore responsibilities at work. 

 

Things started to pile up until in novemeber last year I had my worst crash so far. I was at a work seminar for 2 days. I could not focus, my ears rang so bad I could not concentrate at all. I was just waiting for it to end. After I got home I had a very bad panic attack. I was sweating, could not breath, no sleep, etc. The usual stuff. 

 

The next day I noticed that my hearing sensitivity and panic had gotten worse than ever. 20 foghorns singing at the same time in my head 24/7 plus this constant hissing/grindind sound. Every external sound was too much. I could hear the compressor from our fridge from far far away. The sound was so loud I could not bear it. I could hear all the machinery circulating the air around the partment complex. Something I had not noticed for the last 10 years I`ve lived here. It was extreme. Being outside or in a car was just horrible. Tinnitus is nothing compared to that condition. I could only cry and hope that the next day would be a bit better. Usually it was not. Above all I used to wake up just about every other night to a horrible spike in tinnitus that would not go away. I have no words to describe how crushing and hopeless it was to wake up to that. Every other ******* night if not more often. If I could get any sleep.

 

I tried to endure at work but in january I had to give up. I called my boss and said that I`m burned out. I threw in the towel. Luckily my boss was supportive. We agreed that I would work much more from home and I could leave or sleep late if I felt like it. It was a relief. The downside was that he needed to report the situation to his boss but I had to do what I had to do. Even if it ment to risk my future with my employer. I did not say anything about tapering ssri. I just said I`ve tried and the drugs don`t work for me. That was the end of that conversation. Fortunately. 

 

The whole last spring was hell but at least I no longer had to fake anything at work. It helped. It was like starting all over but this time I could be honest about my situation. At first it felt wrong to allow myself to be that weak but I learned to accept my situation. Finally. Small steps. Learning to walk all over again. Again.

 

So here I am. Summer is over. A little wiser. A little older. Finding pieces of hope from every each day. I don`t keep any journal but I write down days when I had a good night, a good morning or ever a good day. The spaces between my dates are getting smaller. Slowly. 

 

I had the busiest summer so far in my life but I`m happy to say I had some very good days. That is incredible to me. I was not crawled in my shell all the time, full if stress, sweating, being antisocial and angry towards everybody. I lived. On many days I lived like I used to live many years ago. Of course I came back to the ground hard each time but from those days I took the hope with me. Nothing else. Disregard failure. Disregard despair. As hard as it is.

 

So I`m just filling up my bag of hopes. I try to do nothing else. My list of symptoms is long but my list of hope is much longer. 

 

This is a war I`m not going to lose. This war can only be won by surrendering and I`m getting bloody good at it. So my dear symptoms. Wellcome. Here I am. 

 

Never lose hope dear fighters. Never. 

[monami]

Hi Moody , I am off citalopram 10 MG for 9 months , I have quited my job like you because of sever side effects of withdrawal, your resistance gives me hope.

[AliG]

Hi Moodyblues.  Thank you for coming back to give an update of how you are going. Even though you have had some struggles , it sounds like you are on the upward trajectory of healing.

 

You seem to be getting some light in between the waves.

 

You sound positive and full of hope for the future.

 

Maybe one day you can write a success story here.

Best Wishes,

Ali

[moodyblues78]

Hi all

 

Still alive. Staying positive. Fighting. I have lost count how long I`ve been off my poisons. Does not matter anymore. Time is no longer a trigger to me. This is not about withdrawal anymore. I need to fix the damage that has been done. Seems like time is my only friend and cure. It`s very hard to accept that there are no shortcuts.

 

At times I get so frustrated when just the anxiety of the idea of going for a walk makes my hands sweat. I love riding my bicycle too but usually the sounds outside are too much for my nerves. I hate it that my life is so restricted by my condition. I`ve been working throughout this hell I`ve been in the last few years. It drains all my energy. I`m completely dead when I get home so my family suffers too.

 

I am stubborn. For once it is a good thing. I face my fears every day and slowly I get better. I can feel it. Patterns are coming more and more clear when you stop running away from your fears. Patterns give hope and structure. I know what is coming next. I have good days too. They are so good that the bad ones do not matter so much anymore. 

 

Never lose hope.

 

[moodyblues78]

I`ve been talking about acceptance a lot.

 

It is a concept that is lost for many on this site and I fully understand that. Yet it is the most important thing on the path to recovery.

 

I found something that describes the simplicity of acceptance very well. 

 

I admire this guy: http://i.imgur.com/0x9ugaR.gifv

[moodyblues78]

It`s been awhile. I had trouble remembering my log on credentials.

 

I`m glad to report that compared to year ago this time I`m doing much better. If my life is stable I have days when I feel almost normal. It is still very fragile. I`ve been living in a very triggering life situation for the past months but it`s getting better now.

 

Bad days are still bad but I have much better tolerance than ever before. I`m not much bothered. It feels strange to feel hope instead of being afraid of dying every moment awake. I have plans for the future. Plans!!! I had forgotten that word years ago. 

 

I have no idea how long I`ve been off meds. At least 2 years. I don`t care to count anymore. Does not matter. I just wish I had been able to understand and accept the length of my recovery early on. I was one of those fools looking for shortcuts hoping for fast recovery. Not gonna happen..

 

I have not been on the scale for awhile but I believe I`ve lost about 20kg weight so far. Lots more ahead of me but I`m getting there.

 

I still struggle a lot but I see a lot of progress too. I`m forgetting some of the hell I`ve been through. It comes back from time to time but it fades. PTSD is no joke.

 

Keep fighting folks. Time is what we need. Let it pass.

 

Br,

Moody

[AmyK]

What a great update, Moody! How wonderful that you have plans för the future. I know how big that is!

I wish you all the best.

[Altostrata]

So good to hear from you, Moody! Please continue to let us know how you're doing.

[moodyblues78]

Another summer is over. Another summer unlearning my fears and triggers. Funny how the progress spreads. First learning to live day by day. Full work week. Weekends. Sunday blues. Crushing monday. Everlasting tuesday. Middle of nowhere wednesday. The slim hope of thursday. Fight it through friday. What now saturday and back to sunday blues again. Kids go back to school. To learn. To be bullied. To meet friends. To get into trouble. Falling leaves. Cold weather. Christmas. Snow. Winter. Darkness. Spring. All the colors. School ends. Summer. Holidays. Driving. Shopping. Moving. New job. Not enough money. Not enough time. Not enogh sleep. No one understands. Demands everywhere. Saying no. Over and over again. Meeting friends. Meeting new people. Meetings at work. I could go on all day. Triggers are everywhere. No wonder we feel like crawling into a hole. Every small demand is too much. There is no simple stable life anymore. I`m screwed.

 

Days go by while I try to breath and tell my self that these are just feelings. These sounds in my head will pass. The silent sound of the ac is not a steam train running over me. You are ok. You will be fine. Just another hour and you`ll be back home. Just work and forget how you feel. You can cry at home. You have to cope for your family. You can not crash again. You will not give up. Never. Not ever. You will fight. Just for a little longer. Hour by hour. Minute by minute. Trigger by trigger.

 

At times I feel like yelling out my rage and frustration out as loud as I can and I have. In front of my family. In my car. I miss so much how I used to be just afraid of new strange situations. I miss my weaknesses when they were just that. Now they have taken over my life. I miss smiling. Closeness. I miss silence. So much. Even when the world is silent my head is not. It crushes. It drains. It sucks. 

 

I have now lost 6 years of my life to burnout and these poisons the lovely doctors gave me to make my situation from difficult to catastrophic. Have I also lost all hope? Hell no. I am more optimistic than ever. I suffer but I suffer for a better tomorrow. As hopeless as I am at times I get more and more days when I feel better and better. I am just one of those who need to run a bit further than most. 

 

As much as I hate it when people here make the same mistakes I made I understand them. I understand their fears that drive them. I know how lost they are. Many great folks here try to help but their wisdom is not heard. Each person needs to walk their own path and not all can be saved. It makes me sad. The people who are deaf. Those who fall behind. Those who try to help while suffering themselves. You all have my respect.

 

My life has improved but so much damage was done that my recovery will be very slow. I have joy in my life but I need much time to recover from each trigger. I see there is light in the end of the tunnel. That is where I`m heading. As slow as I may be my direction is clear. I have potential and dreams. I just need to crawl some more.

 

I apologize my spelling and grammar. I have no energy to fix anything. This was a tough week.

 

[Survivor1]

Hello MoodyBlues,

 

I am sorry things are not looking bright right now for you.  I hope that with the passage of more time, you will see more improvements in your life.

 

I have been reading your thread and noticed that you suffered from raging tinnitus.  Has this improved for you?  I have developed it and I find it somewhat difficult to deal with.  Any insight would be appreciated!

 

I wish you continued healing.

 

Best wishes.

[Prestorb]

Hi Moody and thank you for the post. I could relate so well to all of that and really appreciated the way you expressed it, absolutely spot on. Everything is a trigger for me too and my son just started school, so my routine changed. Thank God, I don't work but I force myself to volunteer and get out of the house but that exhausts me too. Minute by minute, day by day, prayer by prayer. It's a long and grueling journey and yet somehow, we keep going. But this has been an especially tough week for me as well. I turn 49 this week and my hormones seem to be totally wacky so that is challenging too. Thank you again for your post, it made me feel less alone in all of this just to hear your express almost exactly how I've been feeling. I hope this week is a better one for both of us. Take care.

[moodyblues78]

On 10.9.2017 at 9:55 PM, Survivor1 said:

I have been reading your thread and noticed that you suffered from raging tinnitus.  Has this improved for you?  I have developed it and I find it somewhat difficult to deal with.  Any insight would be appreciated!

 

 

Hi Survivor and thanks for stopping by. My tinnitus has improved along with sensitivity and reactivity to sounds. I would say the reactivity is worse than the tinnitus itself at the moment. 

 

I can only say that the more you run away from it the more it scares you and the worse it becomes. When you have the energy and you don`t feel as much on the edge as usual you can try to change your attitude towards it. It`s just your brain giving you false impulses. Try to see it as your companion during your life. Slowly it will lose it`s fear factor and it will start to go further and further back until it loses it`s meaning and your nerves do not react to it. It takes time and many setbacks but no how matter how bad it is you CAN adjust. It cannot hurt you. It`s just scares you. Take your time and when you get frustrated try to keep in mind that while it seems that there is no progress there really is. It works on a deeper level and suddenly you realize that instead of steady progress you have taken a bigger leap for the better. Let time pass. Practice acceptance. First you lose your scary thoughts about your new companion and soon the tense body will follow and relax a bit. Little by little.

 

I can sleep better with iphone/android app called White Noise by TMsoft. The sprinkler track is my favourite.

 

[moodyblues78]

On 10.9.2017 at 10:03 PM, Prestorb said:

Hi Moody and thank you for the post. I could relate so well to all of that and really appreciated the way you expressed it, absolutely spot on. Everything is a trigger for me too and my son just started school, so my routine changed. Thank God, I don't work but I force myself to volunteer and get out of the house but that exhausts me too. Minute by minute, day by day, prayer by prayer. It's a long and grueling journey and yet somehow, we keep going. But this has been an especially tough week for me as well. I turn 49 this week and my hormones seem to be totally wacky so that is challenging too. Thank you again for your post, it made me feel less alone in all of this just to hear your express almost exactly how I've been feeling. I hope this week is a better one for both of us. Take care.

 

Thank you for your kind words Prestorb. Unfortunately my week was not over and on sunday my grandma passed away. Her mind was as sharp as always but her body was failing fast. At least there is no more pain. We spent a lot of time together over the years so I`ll have many memories with me. 

 

Ready or not life goes on with it`s twists and turns. We just need to try our best to stay on board. As hard as it sometimes is. 

 

If we can accept the challenges we face and welcome the fears they bring these triggers can only make us stronger. There is no alternative.

[Survivor1]

Hello Moody,

 

So sorry about your loss.  You seem to have a lot of good memories of her and that means a lot.

 

Thanks for your kind words about the tinnitus.  I like what you said about its being a "companion."  I have been treating it as an enemy and that is stressful.  I need to change my focus! I will definitely try the WhiteNoise you recommend.

 

I wish you well.

[moodyblues78]

 

Just a short update.

 

This fall was brutal. 

 

Stable stress free life would be so nice. My timing could be not worse. I have 3 kids. The whole world is full of hate and instability. I wake every night to my symptoms. Time after time I remind myself that this will be over. Little by little. I just need to fight another day in hell. That`s all.

 

I wish I could be alone but I have a family. I have children. I have a career. Instead of I can I must. Every day. It feels so overwhelming. I feel I have the wisdom and potential to heal but my life does not allow it. Too much of everything. I over use the energy I do NOT have. It takes so much to climb back from doing that. 

 

My symptoms laugh to me ear and say:

 

You you're my mask
You're my cover, my shelter
You you're my mask
You're the one who's blamed

 

I struggle to be alive so how can I be a parent or a husband but I try. That is all I have to give. 

 

This world we live in is a bad joke built by greedy liars. The sad things is that the lie has gone on for so long that we know nothing else. There is no escape. We are controlled by fear. It`s grip on me has been very strong. Life is too short to be spent in fear. Easier said than done. Fear and hate is all that is being fed to us. Nothing else. So I try to crawl into my own bubble. I just can`t face "the real world". I am alone and I like it like that. It seems that lies travel the furthest so I try only to trust myself. I do what I feel is right. I was the product of this world we live in and it failed. Now I need to build a new me that is not affected my surroundings and the demands it has got for me. It is a tough battle but I`ve got nothing to lose so I fight fiercely.

 

Today I had my first breath in ages. Today 2 walked for 2km. My first "exercise" in 2 months. Once again slowly emerging from the dead. Once again I stand up and continue my journey against the wind. **** you world. Here I come!  

[Prestorb]

I'm sorry it's still so hard MB and that life is so stressful for you. I'm glad you had a chance to breathe today and get some exercise. I totally get the "too much of everything" statement. My life is not nearly as stressful as yours and I feel that way most days. Just attending to the basics of life seems overwhelming and exhausting. But you sound strong and determined in spite of it all, and that is the way we have to be. One day at a time, attending to what needs to be attended to and doing the best we can. Keep it up MB, you will come through this eventually. I don't know if you have found any supplements that are helpful. I take a bunch of supplements recommended by my holistic psychiatrist and I think they help. If nothing else, I know my nutritional needs are being met. But if I had to figure out what to take on my own (like so many others here do), I'm afraid I would be overwhelmed. Especially since my brain doesn't seem to work as well as it once did. It really is ridiculous how long it takes our bodies to heal from these drugs. Keep on keeping on MB!

[moodyblues78]

It's been a while.

 

For long I have felt like I have made no progress in ages. I can't move forward. The ground is too slippery. I was just reading the stories of some very unfortunate people here and it reminded me how bad it was for me especially in early 2014. Panic attacks that last for days. Can't breath. Just rocking back and forth crying. No sleep. Screaming noise in the head 24/7 and so on. You know how it is. 

 

What i have now is nothing compared to what I had. I am grateful. The hardest thing for me now is PTSD. This whole experience has traumatized me badly. It wont go away any time soon but on most days I can fake normal. At least at work.

 

I fought hard to stay alive. I had reasons. I still do. It is a battle that some lose. The war is not over for me but I feel stronger. Some years ago I had no idea what waves were. It was so bad that I did not see them. These days it is clear. I go through the same pattern all over again and these waves are getting familiar. It feels crazy that I survived the worst times. I can not understand it.

 

The best (and only) way to fight this battle is to Surrender.

 

Life can be beautiful again as fragile as I am.

 

Br,

Moody

[Survivor1]

Hello MoodyBlues,

 

It is nice to hear from you.  I am glad to hear that you have pulled through the worst of it.  It can only go upward from here.  You clearly have great coping skills.  I wish you continued healing.

 

All the best.

[bhasski]

12 hours ago, moodyblues78 said:

The best (and only) way to fight this battle is to Surrender.

 

Life can be beautiful again as fragile as I am.

 

Br,

Moody

 

So nice to hear about you..

And very well said that I can now only realize after 2.5 yrs of hell....

[moodyblues78]

I survived the summer. It was a hot one. Many sleepless nights. There is no AC in my apartment so it was hard getting used to constant 80-90 temp.

 

I was very active. More than in many years. I had summer projects. I fixed things around the apartment that had been broken for months or even years. I fixed my car myself. I traveled. I went flying in a plane from 1940s. I fished with the kids. I rode my bicycle. Most of the times I was able to enjoy my active life instead of it feeling like an obligation I have to force myself through. That is how this summer was different from the last 4.

 

It was not easy. I was fearful and scared many many times (many other symptoms too) but my will to live was stronger. So I challenged myself time after time. When anxiety and hopelessness hit I knew to lift the gas pedal for a couple of days. Better let the engine idle when it starts to overheat.

 

When I could feel a panic attack coming it did not trigger the fear of relapse. It was just a sign that I'm not ready to be normal again. I need more time. I need to say no to be able to say yes. No matter if I'm saying it to my neighbor or to my mirror. I try to respect my boundaries but I keep pushing them a little. Whenever I feel like it.

 

This fight of mine is far from over but I feel like I have won few important battles this year. It makes me feel so happy I have tears in my eyes. I have not looked through happy tears in ages. I don't want to wipe these off.

 

It feels like my time on this site is ending. At least I hope so. Not yet but hopefully soon.

 

The only way to fight the monsters within you is facing your enemy and surrendering without fear. Nothing else works.

 

[Altostrata]

Good to hear from you, moodyblues. I look forward to your Success Story, when you feel it's time to write it.

[FarmGirlWorks]

19 minutes ago, moodyblues78 said:

When anxiety and hopelessness hit I knew to lift the gas pedal for a couple of days. Better let the engine idle when it starts to overheat.

I LOVE this metaphor, @moodyblues78. Congratulations on progress and the happy tears! This has given me some hope today.

[moodyblues78]

 

I think it's time to realize that I struggle now more with my preexisting issues than my hellish departure from AD and benzo. 

 

I'm here to say goodbye and thank you. I was not a very active member so most likely hardly anyone remembers me but I want to say to anyone who is here looking for hope that you will make it. It may take a long time but you'll be fine. Never lose hope. 

 

I'll be fine.

 

Br,

Moody

 

 

[Altostrata]

Of course we remember you, @moodyblues78

 

Do you feel you've recovered from withdrawal syndrome? Do you have any lingering symptoms?

 

On 1/6/2015 at 1:12 PM, moodyblues78 said:

Yesterday I had my worst day in six months. A complete mental breakdown. Ears ringing like crazy. I felt like I was back where I started. After the whole day in hell I realized that I had been running away from my symptoms and fears. Looking the other way when they wanted my attention. Then I completely surrendered to them. Did not try to mask the tinnitus or distract myself from the panic attacks, etc. I just listened to every symptom without any fear. Just told myself that this does not mean that I`m getting worse. This does not mean that I will not ever heal. I took every each symptom and let it do to me what ever it wanted. I found a calm and peaceful place from the hell I was in. It was incredible. 

 

Last night I slept like baby and today I had my best day in six months. Almost like normal. Not a one fearful thought. Not a one physical symptom. Just me. 

 

On 3/16/2018 at 12:31 PM, moodyblues78 said:

It's been a while.

 

For long I have felt like I have made no progress in ages. I can't move forward. The ground is too slippery. I was just reading the stories of some very unfortunate people here and it reminded me how bad it was for me especially in early 2014. Panic attacks that last for days. Can't breath. Just rocking back and forth crying. No sleep. Screaming noise in the head 24/7 and so on. You know how it is. 

 

What i have now is nothing compared to what I had. I am grateful. The hardest thing for me now is PTSD. This whole experience has traumatized me badly. It wont go away any time soon but on most days I can fake normal. At least at work.

 

I fought hard to stay alive. I had reasons. I still do. It is a battle that some lose. The war is not over for me but I feel stronger. Some years ago I had no idea what waves were. It was so bad that I did not see them. These days it is clear. I go through the same pattern all over again and these waves are getting familiar. It feels crazy that I survived the worst times. I can not understand it.

 

The best (and only) way to fight this battle is to Surrender.

 

Life can be beautiful again as fragile as I am.

 

Br,

Moody

 

You went off Zoloft at the end of 2014 and had some withdrawal problems after that. Looking back, how did your symptom pattern change from early January 2015 to the present?

[moodyblues78]

On 8/23/2020 at 3:01 AM, Altostrata said:

You went off Zoloft at the end of 2014 and had some withdrawal problems after that. Looking back, how did your symptom pattern change from early January 2015 to the present?

 

First 6 months of 2015 were hell. Just surviving from one day to another. Work was a chaos too. It offered both triggers and distraction. I became afraid of going to sleep since I knew the next day could be even worse. Many nights I just stared at the ceiling and listened to the 100 horns playing full volume in my head. At times I would have one or 2 good days but once they were gone I knew they would be gone for a long time. 2015 burned me out and in early 2016 I was even worse. That is when (i think) I broke down and told my boss I need to be able to work more from home or I would be gone for good. Gladly he understood. I could leave office when needed and continue working from home. That helped a lot. I was able to adjust my days to my symptoms.

 

After that it has been 3 steps forward and 2-4 back. Very slow progress but my days are not non stop panic anymore. My cns is damaged for good but I learn to live with it little by little. The more I avoid stuff that triggers me the worse I get. I try to keep my door open to the constant changes that life offers. It's hard. Very very hard. Trying to do when I feel I can't and slow down when I feel like I can do anything. It's a hard balance. 

 

My main symptoms at the moment are sensitivity to stress and tinnitus. Without those I would consider myself a normal happy person. I have good days much more often than a couple of years ago and the bad ones are not nearly as bad as they used to be. Last spring with corona and all was hard but I have learned to accept it too. I was relatively fine in early summer but then I fell and broke my leg in the middle of nowhere. 2,5 months and 2 surgeries later I'm walking again. Slowly. It taught me that If I was able to survive that, I can do anything. People are helpful. I can release some of the fear I carry with me. 

 

I just hope later this year I still remember what I learned from it. Fear is always trying to get control. 

[Altostrata]

It does sound like you've made progress recovering from PAWS. I'm sorry you were hit by another accident.

 

Stretching the stress tolerance zone (but not too much!) can indeed push recovery along. Are you able to get some physical exercise?

 

Please do drop by and let us know how you're doing. You've learned a lot about coping. Perhaps you'll feel recovered enough that you can write a success story in the not-too-distant future.