☼ moodyblues78: The fight is on (Zoloft/Diazepam)

[wulfgar]

Your blood serum level of Zoloft should have reached steady state again for 11 mg about today (takes about 5 days for a dose change to reach steady state). So you have been on a lower blood level roller-coaster of Zoloft for about 10 days. I would think it might be some days yet for you to stabilize. Sorry for being pessimistic! Hang in there!

[moodyblues78]

I hope you are right. I`m crying, suicidal, completely hopeless, just rocking back and forth. 

 

Why am i still eating this poison? I`m in worse shape than ever. Might as well jump off.

[bubble]

hang in there.

 

I felt horrible, horrible yesterday. Felt as if I was going completely crazy, and today at 10.30 things cleared miraculously and I felt normal for most of the day (and I already saw myself on a sick leave).

 

I hope the same things happens to you, when you least expect it. Can you take some supplements to get some relief?

 

Sending you good energies...

[EternalOptimist]

I am so sorry for your distress rigt now. I ask the same question, why am I taking this poison?

Then a window comes and it will, no doubt, come for you too.

Adjusting to the changes in med certainly stirs the pot and no 2cuts seems to be the same.

Hoping for your window soon.

[wulfgar]

Its an awful poison, i agree!

Moodyblues, you have come so far! 100 to 11 in about 6 months, and you managed to stabilize there. Think about that! You will stabilize again, I'm sure, and then there is only 11 left.

When we are both through this, I will buy you a non alcoholic beer to celebrate, for sure!

Keep up the good fight, friend!

[moodyblues78]

Thank you my friends. I will do my best. I had to take diazepam to take survive. I fought against it but I lost.

 

The Worst day of my life. Losing close relatives does not come close. It`s really crazy. I completely lost it while driving home today. I was crying and jelling like a mad man and hitting myself. I have never experienced anything like that. I can`t remember much else. Suddenly I was walking outside with our dog.

[mammaP]

MB what were you taking when you were on the wrong dose?  

I think Rhi mentioned to go back to the start and hold a while to stabilise. I agree with that 

and think you may have cut too soon after reinstating.  I had to hold for 7 months to

stabilise after reinstating.  

[moodyblues78]

Hi mammaP

 

I should have taken 11mg but I accidentally took only 5,5mg for many days. I went back to 11mg 5-6 days ago.

 

I`m back at work now. Trying to think positive things. We`ll see how this day goes. Did not sleep well. I woke up around 6 soaked in sweat. I could not get any more sleep. I should be really happy that I slept at all. Many here have big trouble sleeping.

[bubble]

thinking about you. Don't feel bad about taking diazepam. There is an exprecion: a reasonable retreat is a better part of courage.

 

Some people say that it can cause even more anxiety and it's of course necessary to try to see if other methods can help but in the situation you experienced it was more than justified.

 

I believe things will start to improve soon and hope they are already improving.

[moodyblues78]

Hi bubble

 

I have been feeling better today. Not good but better. I had to make a new patch of liquid today. I`m afraid that this gereric I`m taking does not react well with water. I make 3 days worth of liquid at a time.

[bubble]

very happy to hear it's better (I understand it's not good but more bearable: the same here).

 

I keep my batch for 4 days which might be a problem so was considering making a 3-day solution. I read that 3 day is usually ok.

 

I think it's still the consequences of that mistake that you are dealing with. Did you notice anything strange before?

 

(I was also on Zoloft for a few years before my current evil and doscontinued it when I knew nothing about tapering. It was horrible and after 3 months I couldn't live any more so was put on Lexapro ;(

 

I firmly believe that by being here now we have a chance to get rid of these poisons for good.

[moodyblues78]

 

 

I think it's still the consequences of that mistake that you are dealing with. Did you notice anything strange before?

 

 

 

I think you are probably right. I`m extremely sensitive to stressors and I had those yesterday. I`m too much of a basket case right now to analyze if I felt anything strange before.

 

It is my understanding that some do not do well with their own liquids.

[bubble]

I understand. 

 

I've personally been on liquid Xanax solution for 3 months now and although I do psychologically have a feeling that solid pill is somehow more stronger, I haven't had any problems. 

 

maybe it would be worth checking the section on tapering Zoloft under Tapering, Alto gave a detailed account of solubility of different drugs. They actually don't dissolve but we get suspensions in which particles of the drugs are present. So the amount of the drug cannot be absolutely guaranteed but it's still a lot better than 10 mg pill we have on the market. This might become  afactor on lower doses...

[wulfgar]

Glad to hear you are better. Might be that blood serum is now back to the right level. Changing to a liquid solution could change the uptake time and might reduce efficiency on older batches. Think changing to liquid should be handled like a taper, so a time to stabilize on the new way of administrating the drug is needed. I had to take my liquid mirtazapine later to get the sedation effect timed to my bed time.

[moodyblues78]

Strange things are these poisons Wulfgar. I hope you are feeling better too.

[wulfgar]

I have had 2 ok days, think things are stabilizing. Been two hours at work today, no dizziness, so thats nice. Also went to the work gym, did some very light bench and shoulder presses, just to get some blood circulating. God i miss exercising! Hope i did not over do this day!!

[mammaP]

Hi mammaP

 

I should have taken 11mg but I accidentally took only 5,5mg for many days. I went back to 11mg 5-6 days ago.

 

I`m back at work now. Trying to think positive things. We`ll see how this day goes. Did not sleep well. I woke up around 6 soaked in sweat. I could not get any more sleep. I should be really happy that I slept at all. Many here have big trouble sleeping.

OUCH! I am wincing for you! I'm glad you are feeling better today and managed to go back  to work. Hope that you 

continue to get better and stabilise soon, you've done so well and this is just a blip. 

[moodyblues78]

I wish there were a place on earth with no stress, no bad feelings, no expectations, just love and understanding. I would go there to heal.

 

Another morning is behind me after a bad night. Feeling awful. I`m trying to stay positive. I was able to laugh yesterday. I hate it that every time I have a positive feeling, I begin to fear of losing it.

 

I just try to cope. I pray a lot. It helps. I`m grateful of this place and all the wonderful people that are here to help each other. I have to remind myself that there is hope for all of us. No matter how bad we sometimes feel.

 

Thank you.

[moodyblues78]

I`m at work. Hiding in my corner. unable to do anything. I can hardly type. I can not keep my mouth shut. My jaw falls all the time. I`m overwhelmed by this horrible feeling I`m having. I don`t know what it is. I can only stare at my computer screen and try to breath. I feel like I`m losing my mind. I can`t eat and I`m losing weight fast.

 

I`m sorry if my updates scares you (whoever is reading this). It is not my intention. This is my experience. You may have it a lot better.  

 

Unfortunately my pattern seems to be like after an ok day I get the worst day of my life. Maybe I`m having a cumulative symptoms of my too fast taper.

[bubble]

I don't find it particularly useful when soembody tells me they are sorry about how I feel so I'm not going to tell you that.

 

But it doesn't scare me, definitely. It is preparing me for the case I feel similar and it also shows me that i can share here the scariest moments which I'm scared to share with other people.

 

You had that mishap with dosing which is causing all of this, I dropped my dose. We both had an awful week at work but we were at work and survived. Today is Friday. I believe that we will get better. I believe your brain is stabilising through this awful jerks. It's extremely positive that you have windows (although waves are so dreadful).

 

I believe the weekend will bring us relief. But in case we still ned more time to recover, can you consider taking a few days off work?

 

I

[moodyblues78]

A few days off would not help. I guess I should be off for months.

 

I just realized that when I had my first crash and went to therapy, I was in withdrawal from my first time taking antidepressants. It all makes sense now. I did not understand it then.

 

Next time I tapered in a couple of weeks like doctor ordered. Needless to say I went down hard.

 

This is my 3rd and last attempt. I will make it or die trying. I am just so desperate to stabilize. At least a bit. That way I could continue living and take it very slowly.  

 

Right now. Oh man, this is pure hell. Thank you pubble for your support. It means a world to me. Literally.

[bubble]

I'm really hopeful about us. I had similar exoeriences so know exactly what you are talking about. 

 

Now I'm hopeful because now we understand what we never understood and knew before. How many days has it been since you went back to the regular dose? They say here (and I believe them because it makes a lot of sense) that when windows and waves and waves are exchanging, our systems are engaged in the self-repair. And you do mention one day ok, the next awful as never before. But those little periods are extremely valuable. 

 

I will buy myself a fresh supply of magnesium and fish oil. Is there something you could take or are taking? (diazepam is also not the end of the world in my book) but again I read here (and I believe it) that although it can initially relieve anxiety, it can cause even worse anxiety after a while. So I take something else (like magnesium pill) believing it will have the same effect as a benzo and anxiety passes after awhile.

 

For the last 2 days I was in meetings and not sitting at thsi desk behind the PC and it felt better...

 

I'm glad we can be here for each other. We will stabilize soon.

[moodyblues78]

I take omega 3 (with D and E) 3 times a day. Also I take 3 magnesium citrate tablets every day. I don`t see them helping anything else but making want buy man-sized diapers.

[bubble]

I couldn't help laughing (that's a another good sign for both of us

 

Such a great way of putting it:I don`t see them helping anything else but making want buy man-sized diapers. (still laughing, ha ha ha)

 

Again, I felt the same except that after a while I didn't feel diapers any more Was then thinking that maybe I'm not taking the right dose (I made a mistake of buying omega 3 for heart which has much less EPA and DHA than we need). Also they say that with magnesium we have to start low and then increase the dose to avoid the use of diapers...

 

I just take it as a conscious placebo: believing it will help.

 

I'm glad you put the question of effeciency of our liquid suspensions and hope somebody answers it...

 

It's great you didn't lose your sense of humour (and I still have the ability to laugh

[moodyblues78]

People are starting to ask what is wrong with me. I can`t hide this anymore.

 

That`s it. I`m going home. It serves nobody that I cry at work all the time and I can`t do anything. This so pathetic...

[EternalOptimist]

For you, I hope you take away the adjective " pathetic" . This "job" of w/d is harder than most any job out there and your are doing it and bet coworkers would be in similar condition if they were in w/d too AND trying to work. Been there, done that. I'm trying to learn to have compassion for myself and know we could all use more of it. Well, hope this came across as supportive and not a lecture.

I see where we can be so hard on ourselves and I am a work in progress as well.

Hope yur day improves considerably.

Best

[bubble]

I agree with EternalOptimist: I see your decision as taking a good care of yourself.

 

This is brutal and we have to be gentle with ourselves....you are very, very brave

[moodyblues78]

Thank you bubble and eternal. You are great. 

 

I`m not the one who gives up easily but I still have my limits. I`m fighting the hardest battle of my life today.  ​ 

 

I`m thinking of going back to 12,5mg tomorrow. 

 

Many hugs to both of you. 

[EternalOptimist]

No weakling goes thru this! .

I made a cut last night....am trying to practice

what I preach!

[wulfgar]

Moodyblues. You are a strong man! Do not let yourself think anything other! You have been able to work in the midst of this is amazing. Working in withdrawals realy taxes the strength reserve. Be gentle with yourself! Is there any way for you to get a partial sick leve for a week or two, maybe a month? A litle part time work would probably help you stabilize quicker. All stressors no mater the sourse have the same impact on our body and mind and stress prolongs healing/stabilizing time.

[moodyblues78]

Thanks Svalbard!

 

I am the only one bringing money to the family so job is a stressor that I have to deal with. I would gladly stay home if I could.

 

Eventually I will kick this WD so far up its butt that it can taste my toes. I`m here to fight...and cry like little baby in my pink diaper.

[moodyblues78]

I had a dream last night. I was in a doctor`s waiting room and warning people not to take any antidepressants.

 

Did not get much sleep from the anxiety/sweat wake ups but at least I slept. I just kept telling myself: These are neuro-emotions. They are not real. Over and over again.

 

I decided to continue with the diy liquid poison and stick with the 11mg dose. 

[Rhiannon]

I had a dream last night. I was in a doctor`s waiting room and warning people not to take any antidepressants.

 

Did not get much sleep from the anxiety/sweat wake ups but at least I slept. I just kept telling myself: These are neuro-emotions. They are not real. Over and over again.

 

I decided to continue with the diy liquid poison and stick with the 11mg dose. 

Hi MB! funny you are talking about your dream last night, for me it's still yesterday, I haven't gone to bed yet, on the west coast of the US and working a late shift. It's about 2 am here now. Early Saturday morning I guess but it still feels like Friday to me.

 

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. Hang in there, it will get better.

[Rhiannon]

I just read back a page of posts. I think you really, really need to hold your dose, or go up a bit to maybe 12 and then just stay there for at least two months, maybe longer. Please listen to me and believe.

 

You have been tapering much too fast and your system is not ready for you to continue this taper. It could take many months, even six months, maybe even longer, but you will feel much better eventually and the bad days will become farther apart and more and more good days. When that time comes, and ONLY when that time comes, you can begin to taper, much more slowly.

 

It is worth the time it takes to do it properly and safely. If you do this safely you will be able to work and enjoy your life and your family while you taper. And you will be able to taper off safely and without agony.

 

For now, time and patience are your best friends.

[moodyblues78]

Thanks rhi.

 

I`m going to hold. Unfortunately during these extreme days I have to take diazepam to survive. 5mg seems to be the lowest dose that helps a little and I can begin to relax a bit. Luckily it has got very long half life. I had desided not to take any but I`ll rather be alive and eat the occasional benzo. 

[Rhiannon]

Thanks rhi.

 

I`m going to hold. Unfortunately during these extreme days I have to take diazepam to survive. 5mg seems to be the lowest dose that helps a little and I can begin to relax a bit. Luckily it has got very long half life. I had desided not to take any but I`ll rather be alive and eat the occasional benzo. 

I absolutely understand. Be careful about the "occasional" part. Best to take it regularly, or you will be adding benzo withdrawal symptoms to your suffering.  If you are going to take it more than about twice a week I would recommend taking it every day, the smallest effective dose, about the same time every day. Right now your brain really needs stability. Having fluctuating benzo levels in the mix doesn't sound like a good thing.

 

Well, off to bed for me now! Good night for me good morning for you!