success ☼ Bellisimo: This is my story. I have been to hell and back

[Bellisimo]

 

Hello Jose

 

How are you doing?

 

I feel really happy that my reading passion has come back a bit now, before i took medicine i read every book i could find lol then i lost that during medication and only now 9 months after last pill ive got these huge taste for books again, feels SO GOOD! =D

 

Hello Bella

Really glad you got a passion back. Enjoy every bit of it.

I'm doing ok, ups and downs but cruising through. Already past two months and counting.

My reading ability is slightly impaired now so I'm looking forward to the gradual recovery like bubble mentions.

I'll be around...Best to you all

 

Mm it feels wonderful =) Ive been reading soo many the last days haha and been out cycling alot which is also wonderful, all these months of withdrawal left me in a stage with like no muscle left in body hah and really weak so im trying to get them back now by exercising and it goes really well.. I also notice that during the time im on the bike on the road in the forest with the all the smells, sounds from birds and everything i feel SO PEACEFUL its crazy and a huge freedom in soul! its adoarble. life is so adorable.. these things i rearly felt while i was on medication i also get so much memories (good onces) from my childhood that i had forgot, like when i smell a smell my brain connect to a memory haha sounds weird but its so nice, like yesterday i felt like i were traveling back like 10 years and to a specifik moment just bc i smelled something that remind me and it felt sooo good..

 

You are strong Jose and I so wish you will recover more and more, life beyond these WD is truly amazing!

[Bellisimo]

Hello, Bella,

 

Just taking a moment to introduce myself and say that I wish you well on your recovery journey. You are a brave, brave person!

 

Nearly every intro thread I read has so many experiences in common with what I have been going through, if I were to comment on them all, I would be online 24/7.

 

I will chime in a bit on reading. WhenI was going through my "breakdown,"  during the acute anorexic/agoraphobic insomnia stage, about the only thing I could manage to do was watch (wait for it) Marie Osmond's talk show and read her books. I was an Osmond fan a million years ago when I was a teen, but even I didn't get the connection at first. Something in her spirit just comforted me. I know she has been through a lot of personal turmoil herself, and I just happen to think she's genuine (in her own Las Vegas way) - but that's my opinion, of course. I didn't realize it at the time, but I think I was also looking for a mother figure - being in the midst of losing my own (false image of) mother in a very dramatic, traumatic way - and Marie fit the bill. I still get emotional thinking about how she helped keep me going through months of absolute Hell. OK, I meant this to be a light-hearted addition to the topic of reading and depression/anxiety, and somehow ended up "sharing" something a little deeper than that. I'll post anyway, because I feel among friends who understand here. So, thank you.

 

I am here for you, too. In thoughts and prayers.

Hello! Thank you so much for sharing,make me very happy knowing i have people around me who think im strong, i need to hear that bc most of the time ive been going thru this hell alone and im finally now really well in life and i thank this forum and all my new friends and supporters who helped me alot, without all of you im not sure if i would make it.

I appreciate you open up for me and told me about the feelings for this woman , itotally understand you! Im happy you found someone who you felt helped you in your wd hell. how are you feeling now?

[mlrp]

Thank you for your kind words, Bellisimo. I'm doing ok, considering everything... so glad to have found this very, very supportive community. I'm only beginning my journey off these meds, but I haven't been on them too terribly long, so hoping things will go (as) smoothly (as possible) for me.

 

ENJOY your newly rediscovered love of life! I remember how that felt (though seems long ago now).  I will look to your story for inspiration - and hope to get to know you better.

 

I can almost feel your joy and serenity from here. Have fun! 

[Bellisimo]

Iam also soo happy you have found this forum, its godsent really lol. I hope your journey will be as good as possible, and remember we all will be here for you and travel together with you in this journey. Im too scared to write my success story yet because i want to be free from all symtoms for a long time , to make sure its not a window and i want to feel 100% back to normal", but i can truly say that im close, what it feels like.. i dont have many symtoms left and it also seems like FINALLY the flu-. like symtoms have left after have it for around 5 months lol..

[Bellisimo]

An update:

 

I just want to give you all a little bit of an update about my journey. 11months has passed , im soon at 12 months off SSRI.

I felt that after month 8 something changed inside me, I cant really explain the feeling but i felt it had become so much better and ever since i have felt only better and better.
All my abstiense i had before is gone, all that is left is some shakings, small tremors inside my body. Still cant explain those , guess its abstinense BUT it doesnt bother me anymore bc im so used to them and they are much less then before, i no longer get these big muscle cramps/tremors. I will just let this pass aswell..

 

I can live my life just as i want today, i can go were ever i want , im not scared of get very sick, im not scared of meeting people, i can tolerate very much stress at work, all my brain sensations has stopped, its now very quiet in my brain and no more swooshes (THANK GOD) i can eat whatever i want, i can drink as much coffee/alcohol i want.. sugar etc.. u name it.
 

i can think and act fast, my mind is back on track =)

 

I can just go on of everything that i can do nowdays.. I had a very weird feeling inside my body for 8 months, a feeling like "something is wrong, but i cant tell what" that feeling changed dramatic after 8 months.. I now reqonize myself, i know who iam , what i want etc etc. no more insecure feeling.

 

To all people who fight out there.. i can just say one thing, when i read back in my diary i NEVER EVER thought i could and would feel this good again.. never.. Im just so happy and thankful that i made it this far and i am in this wonderful shape today.

 

I will give u an update when i pass 12 months, a 1 year update yey!

[skybert]

Awesome! So happy for you:)

[WinningThrough]

Amazing!!!

[Petunia]

What a wonderful update Bellisimo

 

thank you for letting us know, and do come back and write a success story when you feel ready.

[Jose]

Bella,

Thanks for sharing your journey and the good news.

In a few months I want to be where you are, I'm so glad for you.

Keep rocking!

[bubble]

we need such news from the other side to help us keep going so thank you very much for not forgetting us

[Altostrata]

Very good to hear, Bellisimo. Please do come back and visit us.

[Altostrata]

Bellisimo, how are you doing now?

[Bellisimo]

An update to you all.

 

I havent been here for quite a while now, i got email from a member here , remembering me of this beautiful site <3

Well imma be honest to you all and myself. I thought i was fully cured, i was good for A LONG Time, but then it started again, i went into a black hole again..

but i can say this time when i fall down, i can handle it really good.. im def. not scared and i know its getting better and better..

 

The symtoms are not intense either, they r fading away.. the symtoms that keep coming back and go is specially the tremors / musclespams / migraine too.

these are the main symtoms.. i havent had panicattacs for moooooonths, insomnia is not a problem longer either, i sleep good, memory is back to 100 % i can concentrate real good and all..

 

I think much more clear now i can sort out symtoms, periods, getting better etc.. When i look back the past year i understand how much i have grown, how much i have learnt about myself and become much stronger..   months ago  iwas like a lill child, crying for mom... cud not be alone, so scared.. i didnt really understand what was happening to me, i just went into hossy screaming for help and asked em what is wrong with me?? no one cud answer me..

 

Im alive, i went thru hell, basically hell! Im trying to support others to survive this hell because grass is totally greener on the other side! I promise.

Today and a few months back i am 100% sure that i will never ever go back to medicine again.. the months before that i was confused what to do..

 

I once read a story and a man said, " even if you are thinking you are in a real bad shape, you have to compare to the time when you were in a really bad shape to know you are getting better" that is so true. I read my diary and convos here and also looking back on the last year, i KNOW im so much better , even tho i get periods im thinking this is bad it cant be compared to how bad i was 8months ago.. and so on.

 

Ive notice also how mind change, i have changed my view of life and people etc more than i have notice myself, its my friends and family etc who telling me and when im thinking of it, i know its true.

 

So, i had a wave again ( its ok and i accept it) .. im just getting up from it now.. tremors are smaller / not so often, vibration is almost gone again, headpressure is fading, spasms etc fading..

 

I also learnt that during this healing i need to stay in focus and stay as neutral as i can be.. to much sorrow and too much happiness cause me tremors. When i get frustrated , if i get real frustrated i get much tremors .. if i get real happy i start to shake looots LOL its weird but i guess its just still too much stimuli for my brain to handle ;p

 

So peps.. im keep going strong, i feel damn strong. and even tho in a wave i can work, go out with friends .. it feels hard sometimes but i can do it, before i couldnt because it was too bad. Im getting there, going for 2 years ssri now =)

 

keep the good work up!

 

NO MORE DRUGS INSIDE MY BODY thats for sure, i have learnt my lesson a million times over and over!

 

I wanna copy a text in here, if its not ok for admin you can take it away, but i think its so exact to these symtoms from ssri that its scary.. I know many withdrawals from benzos are alike ssris, here is the text.
 the text is just about musclessymtoms. I think one of my main problems have been muscle symtoms


BENZODIAZEPINE WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS:

INDIVIDUAL SYMPTOMS, THEIR CAUSES AND HOW TO DEAL WITH THEM

Muscle symptoms. “Benzodiazepines are efficient muscle relaxants and are used clinically for spastic conditions. It is therefore not surprising that their discontinuation after long – term use is associated with a rebound increase in muscle tension. This rebound accounts for many of the symptoms observed in benzodiazepine withdrawal. Muscle stiffness affecting the limbs, back, neck and jaw are commonly reported, and the constant muscle tension probably accounts for the muscle pains with have a similar distribution. Headaches are usually of the “tension headache” type, due to contraction of muscles at the back of the neck, scalp and forehead – often described as a “tight band around the head”. 

“At the same time, the nerves to the muscles are hyper- excitable, leading to tremor, tics, jerks, spasm and twitching, and jumping at the smallest stimulus. All this constant activity contributes to a feeling of fatigue and weakness (“jelly- legs”). 

“None of these symptoms is harmful, and they need not be a cause of worry once they are understood.”

“There are many measures that will alleviate these symptoms, such as muscle stretching exercises as taught in most gyms, moderate exercise, hot baths, massage and general relaxation exercises. Such measures may give only temporary relief at first, but if practiced regularly can speed the recovery of normal muscle tone – which will eventually occur spontaneously.”

These are all well documented symptoms.
 

[WinningThrough]

Hi Bella!

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your recent setback but so thrilled to hear that you are so so much better. It's great that your wave was so much milder too.

 

I know how much you suffered and how many times you tried to get off that dreadful drug. You were on the same stupid drug that I reacted to.

 

It's uncanny that you posted the benzo muscle info above because I was reading that very passage elsewhere just before I came here and saw your post! There must be a message in there for me somewhere ...

 

You've always been a massive inspiration to me. So glad you're getting your life back x

[Rhiannon]

Good to hear from you Bella! And I'm glad to hear you're doing great. Even with having another wave, you're doing great. Because having waves is normal, what is important is to have the attitude to ride them out and let the healing continue. And you say that even in a wave you can still work and go out and have your life--that's wonderful, a year ago you would not have been able to do that.

 

You are winning! 

 

Please don't forget us. Come back when you feel ready and write a success story, or write one now. So many people are looking for hope and would be encouraged by your story.

 

Again, I am so pleased to hear how well you're doing.

[Bellisimo]

Hey Rhi

 

yes i will come back and write my successful story when i feel its right time, I promise to do it because i know how important it is, it may save someones life and give them hope.. Hope is what i believe the strongest feeling in this.

I know ive gone thru the worst part.. Even if this adventure changed me , i also feeling myself coming back, the person i was before the drugs.. It feels so clear.. So its more like the medicine changed me, when i was on it i was a total different person what i was before and now. It feels weird but GOOD because i now reconize my feelings.. And even if i have accepted what happened to me, that i actually got real bad from stop this medicine and i do accept the waves that comes, but im finding really hard time accepting all the docs that didnt believe  me, listened to me, and even if they took samples etc i could see it in their eyes, they didnt believe me.. I bascially thought i was going insane, dying, everything same time.. I cant understand how our society can be so unware of this .. how they cannot listen or care.. when i needed em most, they left me alone in my pain.. and my only hope was guys like you.. who knows what would happen to me if i havent found people who gone thru same things. I get scared when i think of it.

 

Soon I will celebrate 16 months off, it feels unbelievble. I never thought i would feel this good today and i didnt think i could survive this long. It felt so slow when i was in the most bad shape, but then when windows comes it goes better and times move on fast.. 16 months,. iam SO proud over myself and just knowing i did it make me wanna cry of happiness. I didnt think i could be so strong that i actually was and are. I think people are much stronger that they think.

 

I hope everyone is ok out there.. just wanted to come in and share my feelings for tonight.

 

Iam a living proof like many others that the symtoms will leave you... in time. You just have to stick to it and go thru it , there are sadly no other ways.

[simon]

Hi Bell

Great to read your news (and your thread which I have not read before, im quite new here)

I, too have to eventually taper off Citalopram. My doctor suggested 5-6 weeks and of course it failed. Then I found this site and realized why!

All the best with your continued healing

 

Simon

[Bellisimo]

Thanks alot Simon and goodluck to yourself

[Altostrata]

Very happy to hear you're doing well. Thank you for your success story Some progress for Bellisimo

 

As is our custom, I will lock this topic -- let your story continue to unfold in our Recovery Success Stories forum.