Jump to content

Suke: Waking Up and Looking Around


suke

Recommended Posts

I have been following the forums here at SA for about a year now and I want to thank you all for your kindness and caring.  You are so intelligent and well informed.  Your contributions to these forums are much appreciated.  Alto, you are the best for all the time and effort you have given to us who so need the insight and experience you offer.  Thanks for a safe landing place.

 

It's been about a year now since I took my last AD.  I know it's been said that getting off ADs is like waking up.  I couldn't agree more.  I feel like a fog has lifted and I'm seeing things I haven't noticed in 28 years.  First of all I find that I don't want to live in the city, state, part of the country where I find myself.  I have been here for nine years and there was always a feeling of not liking it here but it was kind of a part of the fog.  I don't have friends, too busy being in a fog to nurture and keep the ones I had.  All of a sudden I am looking around and noticing that I don't like where I live, don't have any friends and I sit down and realize that I have made a lot of stupid decisions in my life that have brought me here. 

 

I seem to be more aware of other people around me in terms of what they believe or how they lead their lives like I am using my brain without a filter for the first time.  I'm more aware of what's right and wrong than I ever have been.  I see injustice and abuses and feel deeply about it. I also am finding that my assessments are OK and maybe I have a right to be a little judgmental at this point.  I tended to go with the flow before and now I seem to appreciate my judgment a little more.

 

So my question is, has anyone else woken up like this?  If you have do you embrace the new you?  Do you move, seek out others who think like you or just chalk it up to just another bump in the road of a wasted life?  I'm 68 years old and time is very important in the scheme of things.

1984 Started Imipramine and then was switched to Zoloft a few years later
January 2011 Abilify added to 200mgs of Zoloft. 
April 2012 Switched to Cymbalta with Abilify
May 2012 Switched to Lexapro with Ability
October 2012 stopped Abilify cold turkey
December 2012 put on Klonopin (60 days)
December 2012 put back on Zoloft 200mgs
January 2013 did a four week taper off Zoloft
Ambien CR for two years
Off Zoloft on February 15, 2013.

Link to comment

Suke, I so appreciated your post.  I am also older and although I am still in a fog and struggling with it, I look forward to when I can make decisions that aren't cloudy in terms of what I should do with my life.  I also feel as if I have lost precious years wasted on this crappy medication. There is a post on my intro from someone who was finally able to engage with people.  Maybe reading that would help you with some insight.  Hang in there.  You are at the beginning of a new life. I am sure it will open up for you as you proceed.  Seek out those who are like you and start living. People come and go, and as you continue to open up, you will continue to find people who will become true friends.  Congratulations on coming up on your year anniversary of being free of meds!!!

12-2001 -- Started Effexor XR - 150 mg dose  2005 -- Tried to cold turkey off it.  Lasted 3 days and then went back on 150 mg.  2009 -- Went on generic Effexor due to cost.  Have had a lot more side effects on it.  09-24-13 -- Started tapering by taking 2 beads out of 150 mg capsule.  10-17-13 thru 07-17-14 -- Took 2 more beads out of capsule each month.  08-2014 -- Dropped by 8 beads.  Went into a HUGE depression.  05-03-15 -- Now taking 22 beads out of capsule.  Went to micro-taper of 2 beads every other week.  11-10-15 -- Taking 96 beads (About 54 out of capsule.  Reversed the way I was taking them since the amount in the capsule varies).  Can now drop 8 beads a month, 4 every other week, with no problem.  After a while switched to dropping 2 beads every Monday as 4 at a time was starting to affect me.  Have no problem with dropping 2 beads every Monday.  07-07-16 -- Now taking 43 beads with no problems. 09-27-16 -- Now taking 2 beads out every other Monday.  Am at 33 beads now.  12-11-17 -- I AM NOW OFF EFFEXOR!!!!!  

Link to comment

When I stopped all the psych drugs I found my thinking had become clear. It was scarey after years of drugged thoughts and actions.  A heavy veil was lifted and I too saw so much I didn't care for, what I had done and where I was during this time. I took me a while but I was able to make new friends, mend fences with family and old pals, make healthier choices and decisions.

 

Take this opportunity to venture out, find new friends and enjoy life drug free.

Unable at this time to correspond by private message.

 

Link to my Introduction thread: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2477-aria-my-psych-journey/

Reading my psychiatric records: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/5466-drugged-crazy-reading-my-psychiatric-records/

My Success Story is listed under "Aria's Recovery".

 

Link to comment

Suke: Thank you for the post...it is encouraging. As it happens, today I realized that my brain is "waking up" for the first time in about 18 years. I am 51 and thrilled to see the beginnings of this. I'm having sharper, clear thoughts; making more mental and emotional and spiritual connections...and the quality is better, not just the quantity o:))

 

Have been in the fog for so long. Many days, I get caught in thinking about much lost time, opportunity, and relationships. I want to honor that feeling and process the grief while seeing these conditions as more than a bump on the road of a wasted life. Lately have been asking, "How can I use my faculties in a new way? What kind of fulfillment, giving, and receiving are possible if I am committed to waking up, small step by small step? In addition to weaning off my AD, what can I do to nurture my health and learn new behaviors so that a different kind of life is possible for me?

 

Not pie in sky or Pollyanna...Just starting to believe that something outside my hitherto "small box" is real. It looks like it is. Congratulations to you on your post-AD anniversary!

Prozac 20 mg/daily since 1995

July 19, 2013, initial cut to 15 mg; Aug. 2 updosed to 18 mg; Aug. 19, to 16.2 mg
Held at 2.52 ml/day Jan. 11-April 16, 2014
April 16, 2014, cut to 2.40 ml/day
Dec. 29, 2014, 1.84 ml/day, and held there almost six months
June 23, 2015, 1.75ml/day; July 21, 2015, 1.70 ml/day
Aug. 13, 2015, 1.60 ml/day

Feb. 7, 2016, .7 ml/day; April 26, 2016, .6 ml/day

 

Taking anastrozole (estrogen blocker)
 
Successfully completed long, slow Klonopin taper November 2011. :ph34r:

Link to comment

I think I get what you mean re: being more “judgmental” or discerning. For me, this is a growing willingness to be a more mature, particular self. Decide who I am, what I like, what works for me and what I believe…and state these when appropriate without so much fear and shame about others’ opinions or whether I fit in. Having a better-defined identity (while not regarding as wrong those with different identities).

 

I also want to be able to choose a spiritual tradition/path and develop a discipline around it, instead of exiling myself to the status of perpetual seeker. I want to remain permeable and learning as I stop the madness of trying to appear open to every road or concept so others (and I!) won’t think I’m stupid or narrow-minded. Let go of the illusion of limitless choices and constant dodging and weaving, which keep me vague and drifting, unfocused, or paralyzed. Paradoxically, to see the commitment to a more particular identity as the start of a journey, not the end….a secure base for an open mind and heart, and from which to relate lovingly to others of all stripes.

 

Using so much energy to be all things to all people – unconscious, relentless “hedging” – has been draining. This way of being pushed me into a years-long course of taking ADs. When I was first prescribed, I had few tools to manage overwhelming emotions, self- defeating behavior, depression, and anxiety. All I knew what was what I’d learned from mostly well-meaning but deeply troubled family members. I was clueless about what to do with all the impressions, fears, and false beliefs my very sensitive self had seen and internalized as a child and teenager.

 

I have regret and deep sadness over the frozenness I’ve experienced for so many years. But am trying not to vilify myself. I’m not always successful at this….Three steps forward, two steps back. But I’m alive and (sort of) kicking again. LOL. Thank you for your post…Your words helped me express something important for me.

Prozac 20 mg/daily since 1995

July 19, 2013, initial cut to 15 mg; Aug. 2 updosed to 18 mg; Aug. 19, to 16.2 mg
Held at 2.52 ml/day Jan. 11-April 16, 2014
April 16, 2014, cut to 2.40 ml/day
Dec. 29, 2014, 1.84 ml/day, and held there almost six months
June 23, 2015, 1.75ml/day; July 21, 2015, 1.70 ml/day
Aug. 13, 2015, 1.60 ml/day

Feb. 7, 2016, .7 ml/day; April 26, 2016, .6 ml/day

 

Taking anastrozole (estrogen blocker)
 
Successfully completed long, slow Klonopin taper November 2011. :ph34r:

Link to comment
  • 3 months later...

I have been following the forums here at SA for about a year now and I want to thank you all for your kindness and caring.  You are so intelligent and well informed.  Your contributions to these forums are much appreciated.  Alto, you are the best for all the time and effort you have given to us who so need the insight and experience you offer.  Thanks for a safe landing place.

 

It's been about a year now since I took my last AD.  I know it's been said that getting off ADs is like waking up.  I couldn't agree more.  I feel like a fog has lifted and I'm seeing things I haven't noticed in 28 years.  First of all I find that I don't want to live in the city, state, part of the country where I find myself.  I have been here for nine years and there was always a feeling of not liking it here but it was kind of a part of the fog.  I don't have friends, too busy being in a fog to nurture and keep the ones I had.  All of a sudden I am looking around and noticing that I don't like where I live, don't have any friends and I sit down and realize that I have made a lot of stupid decisions in my life that have brought me here. 

 

I seem to be more aware of other people around me in terms of what they believe or how they lead their lives like I am using my brain without a filter for the first time.  I'm more aware of what's right and wrong than I ever have been.  I see injustice and abuses and feel deeply about it. I also am finding that my assessments are OK and maybe I have a right to be a little judgmental at this point.  I tended to go with the flow before and now I seem to appreciate my judgment a little more.

 

So my question is, has anyone else woken up like this?  If you have do you embrace the new you?  Do you move, seek out others who think like you or just chalk it up to just another bump in the road of a wasted life?  I'm 68 years old and time is very important in the scheme of things.

Yes I awoke to this when I CTd off Paxil - it was incredible

I'M A WEANER!  :D 
atavan PRN ,Paxil approx 20 yrs ago for major depression
Switched to Klonopin PRN through to current
Paxil wore out
Changed to Effexor 
Depakote added
enormous weight gain - flat affect - led to depression - dropped depakote
Dropped Effexor, changed to Paxil 
PDoc added mixed salts amphetamines for ADHD - took for 2 yrs - was ok at first but had to cut as symptoms too intense -  then the crash was too much. STOPPED
Vyvanse started in 2013 (APRIL) - more smooth than IR amphetamine tabs---Have not used vyvanse daily in full amt since May 2013 

Paxil CT withdrawal 10/2012  :wacko:  Klonopin CT WD

Switched Klonopin to Xanax prn  - too strong

WD CT from XANAX after taking for a while - it was awful but can be done if you hold on!

Back to Klonopin PRN - working very hard to avoid taking it at all. 

Effexor 37.5 started 02/2013, 75mg by 03/2013, 150mg by 05/2012 (approx)  :blush:

Effexor 150mg 3/10/2014 Microtaper -3beads  :unsure:

3/11/2014-4beads ,3/12/14 - 5, 3/13/14 -6, 3/15/14 - 7, 3/18 - 8, 3/22 - 10, 3/24 - 12, 4/6 - 13, 4/7 - 14, 4/11 - 16 - on 4/19 ran out of brand took generic. Bad move. Back on brand on 4/20 and updosed 2 beads. 5/1 - 15, 5/6 - 16, 5/9 -17, 55/10 -17, 5/15 -18, 5/21 -19, 5/24 -20, 6/3 - 21, 6/6 -23, 6/13 -24,6/19- 25, 6/21 -26, 6/25 -27

6/28 -28, 6/29 -30, 7/3 -34, 7/8 -35, 7/17 -36, 7/30 -41,7/31 -42, 8/2 -43, 8/3 -44, 8/5 -45, 8/14 -48, 8/26-50, 9/24 -53, 10/24 -55, 12/1 -57, (lost the tally sheet, thus taper info for some of it), 4/19-63, 4/26-64, 4/30-65 Switched to wt reduction - now @ -.068, 7/14 -.070, August 2015 -.074, between Sept & October 10 -.077, Nov. -.078(feeling great), -.090 as of 1/10/16, down to  -.101 since January 2016 (it is now 6/24/16), -.105 as of 8/13/16
 
 

Ladies, please don't underestimate the possibility of perimenopause. The symptoms can be similar to, may intensify & in some cases mimic protracted w/d from ssri's & benzo's. 

 

Link to comment

I hope I am able to be AD free also.

 

I am new to this forum and hope to get the advice I need.

 

The stories I have read so far are inspiring.

Jan 2004 - 2008 25-50mg of Zoloft. 2008 - 2011 - Effexor ( sorry, forgot dosage)
March 2011 2 week taper and stop all meds.June 2011 start etizolum (3mg per day ) + mirtazapine 15mg
Sep. 2011 increase mirtazapine to 30mg per day , start cimbalta 20mg
2012 increase cymbalta to 40mg. Etizolam to 4-5 mg + add 5mg ambien
Aug 2012. Taper off ADs over 2 months. Stop. Taking 1mg etizolam and 5 mg ambien
May 2013. Start mirtapine 15 mg & cymbalta 20mg. Increase etizolum to 4-5mg
Jan 2014 double ADs.March 2014. Start 15mg of Valium to Stop alcohol . 2-3mg etizolum. Same ADs.
2weeks later stop etizolam and Valium . Stop ambien.

Currently I take 2 x 20mg cymbalta in the morning.

0.5mg of lorazepam 3 times a day - occasionally 5mg of Valium when I have an exceptionally bad night at home. April 22 take 1 epizolam.
2 x 15mg of mirtazapine in the evening.
Roserem 8mg sleeping tablet for one week. April 19 take Zopiclone instead. 20th half ambien (no sleep) April 21st Roserem. April22 half roserem.

Link to comment

I have been told by people who took their time to safely get off meds that this happens and it is so nice.

 

They said their anxiety level went down, they lost weight, and brain fog lifted.  Memory improved. 

 

I can get over the amount of time I have spent on meds and the all of the changing and swapping out I have done in an attempt to lower anxiety.  The biggest problem I may have encountered is fear and trying to step out of that box.  Actually living life in a more joyful way.

 

Thank you for bringing up this topic.  A friend on another site told me to work on the root sources of anxiety and I did do that intensely years ago, and I guess I need to do this again with help (therapist and I have decided to purchase the anxieties.com program).

 

The line has always blurred for me as to where meds and my insecurities begin and end.

Intro: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1902-nikki-hi-my-rundown-with-ads/

 

Paxil 1997-2004

Crossed over to Lexapro Paxil not available

at Pharmacies GSK halted deliveries

Lexapro 40mgs

Lexapro taper (2years)

Imipramine

Imipramine and Celexa

Now Nefazadone/Imipramine 50mgs. each

45mgs. Serzone  50mgs. Imipramine

Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...
  • Moderator Emeritus

Hello Suke,

 

I moved this topic from Finding Meaning to the Intro section because it's your first post about yourself.

 

I'm also 68, and now that I'm out of withdrawal from Lexapro, I find I see things more vividly and clearly, and that my attitude and interests have changed somewhat over the past ten years while I worked at a draining, high-pressure job as an auditor and eventually retired on Labor Day weekend of 2011. I had cut my Lexapro dose in half at about the same time and promptly went into withdrawal for the next 30-31 months.

 

I won't go into detail about it all--you can read my Intro and Success Story below by clicking on the links in my signature--but I believe that the withdrawal experience has made me more compassionate, less judgmental, and more patient than I was before. I've also found that I like being out with people--playing cards, going out to dinner and whatnot--much more than I used to and have lost interest in more solitary pursuits such as needlework and painting.  That may change, but for now my social activities, volunteer work in my over-55 community, and this forum are my main interests.

 

It would be welcomed if you'd continue posting in this Intro topic and added your psych drug history to your signature like so:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/893-please-put-your-withdrawal-history-in-your-signature/

 

In any event, it's good to see that you've come through withdrawal hell in one piece.

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

Link to comment

Please sign in to comment

You will be able to leave a comment after signing in



Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

Terms of Use Privacy Policy