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Claudius

Creating a new self after withdrawal

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Claudius

ADMIN NOTE Also see Reframe stress to become more resilient

 

SEE ALSO:

 

identity-crisis

 

which-me-is-the-real-me


 

I know we will never ever completely forget about the hell we were thrown into. But I wonder how it will be when the symptoms are really gone. I know from previous WD attempts that it is hardly possible to remember the atrocious symptoms when they are gone. And that used to be my pitfall because I fell in the same trap each time.

But I really would like to know from people who ARE healed completely how they look back to a years-long atrocious WD period. And if they can really leave it behond and move on, maybe even stronger in some sense. At the moment I can still hardly imagine how it feels to be normal again...

Edited by Altostrata
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angie007

Well, im nowhere near recovered just yet, but had a small glimpse of " NORMALITY"

today, i never gave wd or symptoms a thought, it was wonderful,

so i can only imagine after experiencing that, that total recovery must work

in much the same way.

 

I for one, never ever want to relive this awful experience again ever,

i wouldnt do it for any amount of money, it truly is horrendous.

And i cant wait for it to be a thing of the past,

to be able to forget aLL ABOUT IT???

Guess it will be easier when we are symptom free.

 

Maybe this might help here;-

When i first started tapering, i had awful disgust, revulsion

and hatred for gsk and there new wonder drug, i was in hell and really felt ill,

mentally and physically, over time all of those feelings have faded and now

i now longer feel like that.

I would like to think that we will be so happy and relieved to have this a part

of our past, that the same thing will happen in total recovery.

 

My best to you buddy!!!!

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Neuroplastic

I have absolutely no doubt we heal both from neurological damage and the psychological trauma, Claudius. When still in the thick of WD, it may seem like next to impossible to actually be able to feel *normal* one day. But it's just an illusion, it's what the still suffering and not yet healed brain wants us to think.

 

Every single time the window opens for me, or the symptoms abate enough, I DO know that the healing is continually happening. And what's even more important, at the time when I feel better (though still not recovered), the present in the waves uncertainty and WD-induced doubts lift, and I DO know then that once we're fully recovered, all the trauma and suffering we experienced when in WD will get downgraded from its "emotional" status to the "rational" one, that is, we may rememeber what we went through, but it won't hurt. It just WON'T hurt.

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Hopeful

Claudius,

 

I will be six years out this August from taking my last pill and while I still have some "residual" symptoms the horror of those first couple of years is really behind me. One GOOD thing I have gained from all of this is that having gone through such a horrible experience most everything else seems like a cake walk.

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Healing

Well, im nowhere near recovered just yet, but had a small glimpse of " NORMALITY"

today, i never gave wd or symptoms a thought, it was wonderful,

so i can only imagine after experiencing that, that total recovery must work

in much the same way.

 

Angie -- I'm bookmarking this! Remember, remember, remember! Yay! :)

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angie007

Hey Healing and all here,

 

when these horrible symptoms eventually go away,

the last thing i need ever is to be reminded of this awful experience.

 

I learned my lesson the hard way, good ad proper - like us all,

and the further away from paxil and all the misery it brings,

the happier i am going to be.

I already have an image of myself " healed and living in the normal world as

a normal human being YIPPEEE, now........

Just serving my time for a crime i did not commit, but parole is coming lol.

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alexjuice

Good question, Claudius.

 

I want to think I will remember this pain forever. But I think that if I woke up completely, 100% healthy tomorrow that within a few months I'd be caught up in life and would feel little gratitude for my health. Being human, I would probably continue to hold a resentment for time lost though.

 

That maybe says something about me, I don't know.

 

I know that I used to struggle to stay clean and sober. I had a problem with alcohol (and illegal drugs to a lesser extent) and I used to think that if I solved my addiction problem that I'd be forever grateful. As it turned out, my problem with substances was a side effect of my psych meds and, once I stopped them, I've not had any problems with drugs or alcohol. That problem resolved and w/d took it's place.

 

Today I spend little time or energy being grateful that I no longer have temptations and cravings to drink alcohol or do drugs. I used to expend hours of mental energy each week (or even day) fighting and debating whether I should get drunk. I don't spend one second thinking about that question on an average day anymore.

 

I should be grateful for that, but there is always another fight to be fought. I don't forget what it was like when I drank alcoholicly but I almost never remember to be glad I don't have that problem right now.

 

Alex.i

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Altostrata

Clearly this can be forgotten, as there are people I have invited who have moved on and are too busy to post here. I am still hoping I can get them to post about being fully recovered.

 

I'm doing much better in my 7th year and I can see a time when this will be behind me in every way.

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Razzle

I supported benzo people for almost 12 years on the Original Yahoo forum and the UK forum. I can tell you from my benzo recovery and hundreds of others that once you are well you will have a hard time remembering what hurt so bad.

 

Some people in good windows for a few days cant remember what hurt in any detail.

 

I have been told that if this were not true women would never have more than one child ???

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Claudius

I know fmro my previous CT attempts that the symptoms, which were horrific beyond description, were compeltely gone after reisntatement. And that was my pitfall, but also confirms that the symptoms are almost impossible to remember when they are finally gone. In fact the awful intestinal mess I suffered from during the first 20 months or so is gone and I can hardly remember it anymore though I know it was horrible.

The whole experience of course will never be forgotten, it has cost me my job, a lot of money, and tons of stress. But also learned me a lot, allbeit in a hard way. I would defintately have prefreed a smooth taper, that would proably prevent the near-psychosis I fell into and the subsequent violent actions against my former bully... and I will never ver forget about this near-fatal mistake and never ever forgive the ignorant docs who failed to educate me...

But when the symptoms are really gone (if this ever happens and after 44 motnhs and reading the stories here, my fear is growing), building a new life will be possible I guess. Finding a job after being homebound for 4 years and a story which nobody will beleive will not make it easier...

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MrAnxious

Hey Healing and all here,

 

when these horrible symptoms eventually go away,

the last thing i need ever is to be reminded of this awful experience.

 

I learned my lesson the hard way, good ad proper - like us all,

and the further away from paxil and all the misery it brings,

the happier i am going to be.

I already have an image of myself " healed and living in the normal world as

a normal human being YIPPEEE, now........

Just serving my time for a crime i did not commit, but parole is coming lol.

 

Angie I am really curious how you are doing to this day after withdrawling?

 

 

Thanks and look forward to your response,

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GiaK

I know lots of people who report that once the horror is over that life is delicious in a way they never knew possible.

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Bellisimo

I have realised that i have during my worse withdrawals period came out as a totally different person.
Many times I was so scared, felt ive lost myself on the way on recovery, trying to hang on to other people.

 

In 6days i celebrate 6months off ssri ❤️

 

Im soo changed today then for 6months ago lol..

 

im still trying to see if im glad for it or not.

 

Still withdrawls hit me, but im lot better than ive been, thank god.

 

Building up my life again.

 

Ive also realised that i will never ever take "peace in soul" for granted again.
Just to sit still on a chair and feel peace in your body and heart is one of the best feelings ever.. I will always value this feeling after so much fight

 

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Altostrata

This is an excellent topic for discussion.

 

After having to cope with so much suffering and abandonment by friends, family, and doctors, many of us find we're much stronger people than we thought we were.

 

Also, learning how to meditate makes a lot more sense....we can feel the benefit.

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Petunia

I agree that this is an important topic and wonder how others have dealt with adjusting to the changes in personality caused by this experience.

At the moment, I'm at a place where I can see I've changed so much from the person I was 3 years ago.  Its actually quite a shock to realize some of the things I have done, or allowed to happen, at the time fully believing it was ok. 

 

My values have changed and because of everything I've learned, as a result of this withdrawal journey, I no longer trust anything at face value, like the majority of people do, it makes it difficult to relate to other people now.

 

There's not much left of my old 'self', having to experience it slowly dissolve has been another difficult part of the process.  I don't think this happens for everyone, but for me, this illness, caused by medications and withdrawal, has been a catalyst for a major overhaul of my entire identity.  The old me is all but gone, there doesn't seem to be anything obvious stepping up to take its place yet though.

 

I often get a strange feeling when I'm talking with someone I've known for a long time.  They will say something to me, probably the kind of thing they have said hundreds of times before and I think "Why are you saying that to me, don't you realize I'm not that person any more, can't you see that everything is different now"

 

Then I realize that they don't see that things are different because for them, nothing has changed, its me who has a new understanding, a different world view... and that seems to change everything.

 

I'm still right in the middle of this, not feeling particularly strong most of the time and wondering if I'm ever going to have the energy to build a new self (and a new life).  I can't even imagine what that would look like at the moment, so for now, I'm learning how to sit still and trust...... that sounds a bit like meditation :)

 

It would be nice to hear from others who are further along in the process, about experiences of integrating a new sense of self into an old life.

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Bellisimo

aw yes! Its creepy isn´t.- I mean Iam totally different today than i were for 6months ago. Ive changed so much but its like you say.. its seems like my friends - family cant see it, but when i look at them and listen to them i have totally different views today and a different view of everything.

 

From going to be really at the darkess hole ever ive finally come up a far bit up and feel really strong atm. Ive got huge proud feelings over myself for surviving this, i feel strong and that i have lots of experience and can handle lifes challenges now.

 

its up and down sure, suddenly i start cry for nothing and i still miss my x who left me, when i look back at him i now wonder many times what i saw in him, i miss him but same time not and are just mad for many things..

 

from being toally isolated i went bk to work , i fight myself back up.. forced myself go out and meet ppl even if i had extremly bad aniexy and panicattacks.. i told myself it will get better and iut got better, today im working again, as nurse. i can go to work , breethe, relax and feel "i can do this and im great at it"

 

many of my symtoms are gone, im not sure they r gone for good.. i have a few small symtoms left but i can handle em

 

i havent had a panicattack since a long time ago <3

 

and my memory is back <3

 

i also remember my childhood more now , its weird bc just like that i can get a memory popping up in my head from my childhood its SO CLEAR MEMORY! and sometimes i also feel the taste in my mouth from memories in my past, and smells. VERY akward thing but i like it

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Bellisimo

im also different that i seem to nowdays have to problem being very social and say exatly what i think to ppl if they behave bad and such

 

I hope i will only grow stronger and stronger and its scary when i think back at it, only for 1 month ago i was consider going bk to my medicine :/ and today im so strong without it

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totenkopf

What a reassuring post...

I am relieved to know that I will never be the same person again.

At the same time, I am really unsure why no one has ever had the courage to say it to me when this was what I was asking for months.

 

My life is already at an end, so now I can and I will jump off the bridge.

No, I am not depressed. I just refuse to be the new person that is the result of a freak trial. An alien. Everything opposite to the very well defined me that once was. Because it is now confirmed that I will never be the same person again. 

 

What a waste of several months, listening to the bullsh*t from people telling me that I will be myself again, and living on false hopes. 

 

Good for you if you are submissive to the new personality that is not you and was molded for you on what society considers to be normal. I am glad for you that you have found your peace. 

I never will. 

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alex

Hallo totenkopf;just before you jump off the bridge,(you have beautiful ones in Austria) may I ask how long have you been off meds, and how much,honestly, have you done to recover?

I am a 60 years old man, struggling with wd from a nasty drug like Effexor, and A LOT of difficult issues in my life.Even though, I am seeing much better days, after 18 months of hell.

My recipe? good attitude...that means to me ACCEPTANCE,FAITH,PATIENCE, and overall, Courage.

All these human qualities I din`t have before I fell into the abiss of depression and AD.

Today,and because of this horrible ordeal, I am building a new Alex, and this is not bull****t, believe me, I am soo grateful I am not the same Alex that went into AD a few years ago.

You are young, and it's ok to be angry, but the bridge jumping, doesn't sound to good.

Focus on the positive, not the other way around, I know it's hard, but it's the only way.Not only for wd, but for life in general.

 

Hugs, A.

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Bellisimo

I feel very sorry for you that you feel you want to jump off a bridge atm =(

I wonder aswell like alex do, how many months have u been off? Ive been off for 6months now and im still suffering but just different symtoms, it goes up and down all the time and i have accept it will take time to recover, many people suffer from WD for a very long time. I hope you will feel good again, if you ever wanna talk you can PM me.

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mammaP

It is lovely to see you people doing so well off meds. It is an amazing feeling when you suddenly realise that you

can remember, think straight and appreciate things. It's good to cry, laugh and feel things when there was no

feeling on meds.  It's good to feel angry and know you aren't going to lose control, to feel hurt and get over it. 

 

I hope you didn't jump off that bridge Totenkopf, because one day you will find you, whoever you are. It feels like

you will never be you, but you will, and will look back on these days and be glad that you are through them and 

glad that you didn't jump.  I hope you are feeling a little better now, this will pass. 

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btdt

I think it is true you can't put humpty dumpty together again as when it comes to this the sum of all the bits and pieces does not = the whole.. everything has changed. I am changed and there is no going back.. and when I look back at who I was before drugs I love that person.. and her brain.. yes I would go back there in a heartbeat and be her again and leave others to deal with this drug crisis.  I would be one of those blessed people who would never know or likely believe the truth about these drugs.  I would be who I was before and have my sound identity not this fluctuating state of being not knowing what will come next.. I would have a job a life a partner... that is how I see it. I was put on these drugs for pain not a mental health issue.  I certainly miss the life I could have had had I missed that one doctors appointment if only I had. 

The identity crisis fro me continues.  I will never be the same and I would love to be the same. I would love to have my identity my sense of self solid again to know who I am and what I am doing would be such a gift... but after all these years drugged and in withdrawal I have an identity crisis ... working on it.  I don't see my future I use to be able to imagine a future I can't now. Perhaps I am  no longer naive enough to believe in future... or I just have no idea who I will be then so can't imagine it... I change all the time. Withdrawal changes people and in withdrawal it seems I am constantly changing. still...

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dunerbug

I've thought about this a lot.....

 

The negative side:

 

I'm not happy. Within me, there's just not a lot to be giddy about. Most days I'm in an enormous amount of pain. I regularly walk around with poop colored goggles on. I was telling a friend...just today... that I feel I've been given new eyes to see with and nothing looks the same .... it really scares me.

 

I don't like the new me. I'm nothing like the old me. I look at pictures sometimes and just cry out in pain and almost, disbelief at what's happened to me. 

 

I wonder what this process is going to leave me with. I wonder in what condition I will be left in when I "heal" Then I wonder if I will "heal" at all.

 

The positive side: 

 

Amazingly, there is hope that lives in me. It's enough that it makes me get up and try. 

 

I long to be better spiritually. I've yearned for peace and I think, in turn, is forcing me to have to go to God. I can't do this alone.

 

Sometimes I'm surprised that I've come this far. Sometimes I can see I'm strong.

 

These things tell me that there is still good in me and that though I may be broken, I may not be ruined.

 

Bottom line is, I don't always see the positive side and frankly, not even sure I believe it but that fact that we all keep trying ..... well, I think it speaks volumes.

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Barbarannamated

I think it is true you can't put humpty dumpty together again as when it comes to this the sum of all the bits and pieces does not = the whole.. everything has changed. I am changed and there is no going back.. and when I look back at who I was before drugs I love that person.. and her brain.. yes I would go back there in a heartbeat and be her again and leave others to deal with this drug crisis. I would be one of those blessed people who would never know or likely believe the truth about these drugs. I would be who I was before and have my sound identity not this fluctuating state of being not knowing what will come next.. I would have a job a life a partner... that is how I see it. I was put on these drugs for pain not a mental health issue. I certainly miss the life I could have had had I missed that one doctors appointment if only I had.

The identity crisis fro me continues. I will never be the same and I would love to be the same. I would love to have my identity my sense of self solid again to know who I am and what I am doing would be such a gift... but after all these years drugged and in withdrawal I have an identity crisis ... working on it. I don't see my future I use to be able to imagine a future I can't now. Perhaps I am no longer naive enough to believe in future... or I just have no idea who I will be then so can't imagine it... I change all the time. Withdrawal changes people and in withdrawal it seems I am constantly changing. still...

Agree. I suspect that those of us put on these drugs for issues other than depression may have a harder time with the life losses because we never got benefit and only harm..? Just a thought.

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btdt

I completely agree Barb if there were a reason it would be more difficult to see the damage or blame something else tho I do think may people with other reason like thyroid and vitamin deficiencies are apt to be drugged needlessly too.  They may not figure it out for a long time or ever.  It is an insult on top of all the damage it is an insult to be moved to the second class person list because of damage done by drugs and not only that but to feel second class to know it is true.  

One good thing that may come of all this if they truth is ever embraced perhaps people who do have a mental illness can have better lives by the work we do to maybe some day change this stinking system as it is so sucks. 

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btdt

There have been long long stretches in withdrawal where I did not dare think of this as it would have been too much... I get too angry and then my apple cart is upset or I can't stop thinking about it and have no peace NONE.  So I had to let it go I had to choose between being here best I can for those who love me and myself or dealing with all the reality I know is true but can't change or fix.  I am a fixer by nature and this is what I was born to do fix things and I cannot fix this... it makes me crazy or should I say crazier. 

I had to let it go...or I would not be here that is how bad it gets the anger yes I said the swear word the anger about it all consumes me and I can't function or focus.  Every now and then it looks like I might escape this finally with a bit of life left ahead be in a damaged body and brain so be it I would take it and think every now and then I would run and not look back.  I think that but I can't seem to let it go when I think I am about ready to... the #%#%$#%$% comes back or something else happens and I have to take drugs again ect and there goes me apple cart.  I don't know what is going on with this it seems I am going to be involved  this forever at this point.  

When do you count yourself healed and move on ... when can you lay your head down at night even if you could sleep and know all is right with the world when you know all the things we know ... all the people still being damage.  

Again I need to not think about it but once the dam is open there is no stopping the flow without force. I have to force myself to walk away for my own good as I constantly deplete myself trying to fix this unfixable situation. I am a hard worker but no amount of hard work will heal me or fix this.  I have found the quiet healing of relaxation even if I have to force myself away from the computer rest is healing but I was not born to rest I was born to live to work to make a difference and i would if I thought it would help but you know what it does not change a thing. 

It is still a dilemma for me one I can't get myself to accept.. or live with.. yet I must some how. I will keep working on that too... I guess... I need to step away... I am toast. Emotions deplete me... I still can't function normally feeling too much anything be it happy sad or angry ... woops there go my apples I am outa here time for self care. 

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Bellisimo

I've thought about this a lot.....

 

The negative side:

 

I'm not happy. Within me, there's just not a lot to be giddy about. Most days I'm in an enormous amount of pain. I regularly walk around with poop colored goggles on. I was telling a friend...just today... that I feel I've been given new eyes to see with and nothing looks the same .... it really scares me.

 

I don't like the new me. I'm nothing like the old me. I look at pictures sometimes and just cry out in pain and almost, disbelief at what's happened to me. 

 

I wonder what this process is going to leave me with. I wonder in what condition I will be left in when I "heal" Then I wonder if I will "heal" at all.

 

The positive side: 

 

Amazingly, there is hope that lives in me. It's enough that it makes me get up and try. 

 

I long to be better spiritually. I've yearned for peace and I think, in turn, is forcing me to have to go to God. I can't do this alone.

 

Sometimes I'm surprised that I've come this far. Sometimes I can see I'm strong.

 

These things tell me that there is still good in me and that though I may be broken, I may not be ruined.

 

Bottom line is, I don't always see the positive side and frankly, not even sure I believe it but that fact that we all keep trying ..... well, I think it speaks volumes.

im thinking just like you.. dealing with these withdrawal, totally chaotic and feeling like an "never ending story" im also scared, many nights ive been crying, looking at old pics and got the feeling, "who is that" i looked so happy , I feel weird when i look at myself, dont feel that its me, its a weird feeling.. im also scared daily where this will lead me , when im fully recovered who will I be? I thought i was getting better after 6months I had a wake up moment, to just be better in 1,5-2 months and now im as confused as i was in the beginning with all the symtoms and chaos in my head.. feeling so alone even tho i know other ppl going thru the same, just wanna go lay down somewere in someones arms and never leave  :(

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btdt

Bellisimo if you could please put the dose of Citalopram in you history and how you quit cold turkey faster or slow taper?  Were you on the same dose for the entire 6 years or did the dose go up over time?  

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Bellisimo

sure i will put that

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Nadia

Yes! This is a huge issue... rediscovering who you are after meds and after the horrific withdrawal experience. At first I was completely alien to myself, and slowly would get glimpses of who this new me would turn out to be. As any birthing process, it can be very painful, but also have moments of joy and awe.

 

Lately I have felt that some of my original self has been re-integrating. I start to see patterns that go back to childhood, I rediscover desires that I know are not new (along with the new ones). But integrating this new self, or rather, trying to let itself integrate within me, has been my largest challenge lately. I feel like my soul was shattered... the person who is writing this is the command center, but it's so clear to me that inside I am a collection of very disparate beings! I have been trying to listen to my inner self to find out what direction to go. I write down my dreams and try to listen to my impulses... I have a feeling I would do things quite differently now, that I would be leading a very different life, but of course I am limited by how I constructed my life up until this point.

 

Often this struggle leads to depression, or can get bound up in anxiety. Especially because I felt I was running out of time to have a family. I have recently decided to give up on having a child, but am still struggling with this. It's hard to know what's going to be true about me another year down the line. My sense of self is still quite unstable. I think all we can do is realize we are on this rollercoaster and try to relax and let things happen, invite our new selves to be born, and participate with curiosity and openness. I think one thing that has helped me is stream-of-consciousness writing in the mornings.

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btdt

sure i will put that

Thanks I am glad you did a taper. 

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btdt

Yes! This is a huge issue... rediscovering who you are after meds and after the horrific withdrawal experience. At first I was completely alien to myself, and slowly would get glimpses of who this new me would turn out to be. As any birthing process, it can be very painful, but also have moments of joy and awe.

 

Lately I have felt that some of my original self has been re-integrating. I start to see patterns that go back to childhood, I rediscover desires that I know are not new (along with the new ones). But integrating this new self, or rather, trying to let itself integrate within me, has been my largest challenge lately. I feel like my soul was shattered... the person who is writing this is the command center, but it's so clear to me that inside I am a collection of very disparate beings! I have been trying to listen to my inner self to find out what direction to go. I write down my dreams and try to listen to my impulses... I have a feeling I would do things quite differently now, that I would be leading a very different life, but of course I am limited by how I constructed my life up until this point.

 

Often this struggle leads to depression, or can get bound up in anxiety. Especially because I felt I was running out of time to have a family. I have recently decided to give up on having a child, but am still struggling with this. It's hard to know what's going to be true about me another year down the line. My sense of self is still quite unstable. I think all we can do is realize we are on this rollercoaster and try to relax and let things happen, invite our new selves to be born, and participate with curiosity and openness. I think one thing that has helped me is stream-of-consciousness writing in the mornings.

I can so identify with this I am not the old me and I am not completely new either a lot of old things are back... I want things a certain way... clean windows to look out stuff like that... I can't deal with people who think they know me because they heard I was a stripper and want to treat me in certain ways because of it.. generally my mouth drops and I turn to stone and cannot address issues... how could I it is the truth I was a stripper I am as unlikely to do that now as a frog is to fly... but they don't know this they don't know about drug induced personality changes or mania or hypersexuality... and it is not like I am going to stop them in the street/at an event or wedding and educate them...they likely would not believe me anyway and it would cost me too much to say it all the time or the few times it has come up... not the fact that I danced but the way people treat me that have heard of it... I can tell... I can feel the disrespect along with the interest people are interested in that life .. they want to know or they want to rip a bit of skin off me to see how I will respond... generally it feels completely alien to me and I just stare blankly... I know not much of a response but so far that is all I have been able to muster. 

 

" I have a feeling I would do things quite differently now, that I would be leading a very different life, but of course I am limited by how I constructed my life up until this point." 

 

That is a great sentence... it is completely on target I have nothing to add to it. 

 

I now feel like I have reverted back more to the personality of the person I was before drugs in some respects... I cannot however take away what I know.. I have learned a lot of things about life about a certain kind of life... the one those folks are so interested in... I have some lessons too... and some to teach I would imagine if I chose to or came upon a need.... but I don't want anything to do with it none of it interests me except maybe stating the same folks that are sitting judging are going to bed tonight with men who have spent the evening or the day in a club I use to dance in... how wild is that.. 

maybe I went too far to the extreme when drugged so it will take me a considerable time and effort to find my way now... I expect it wil

I think this is completely normal and that it will work out eventually like all other things.

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Aria

 I reread all of your posts and it hit home. I remember going to a close friend's house after I came off the drugs and I carefully touched her wall where there was a paint mishap. It was there before I went on the drugs, still unchanged and when I touched it I felt the old me. How strange that symbolized the old me.

 

There was no way I had not changed from my psychiatric experience (the hellish psychiatric drugging, the equally hellish psych drug tapering). The drugs affected my behavior and it was not to the best. I no longer did the things I once enjoyed, reading, art, gardening and instead was fueled by psych drugs to act different. I remember the me before drugs, a very quiet reserved person and afterwards it seems more comfortable to once again be the quiet lady but with a wiser outlook. It was so hard to find a center point with the drug free me. My years on the drugs are not that clear and I wasn't sure of who would still want to have me as a friend. I only had a few pre-drug friends in my life but most welcomed me back with loving open arms. The friends who hadn't known me before was astounded at my transformation and they either accepted it or disappeared. I also found I didn't want to be around my psych drug friends, they're felt I was some kind of traitor to be drug free.

 

The hardest was getting my family to see the me off drugs and I had to apologize profusely for what I did or what they thought I did. After they realized it was the drugs changing me they were embarrassed and upset with themselves more than mad at me. Mending these fences took time but was worth it.

 

I continue to grow as a person and with my psych experience have a totally different outlook. The years poly drugged took away so many of my life possibilities but in my time remaining on earth I want to strive to have good life, a decent life. I once again can find simple enjoyment gardening, reading and quiet time with myself. Most of all I have a choice, I didn't when on psychiatric drugs.

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Nadia

Coincidentally, I came across an article that speaks to this:

 

http://gutsmagazine.ca/2325/body-work/

 

It's not about withdrawal, but a brain injury, and yet a lot seemed really familiar to me. It's worth reading!

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btdt

I know fmro my previous CT attempts that the symptoms, which were horrific beyond description, were compeltely gone after reisntatement. And that was my pitfall, but also confirms that the symptoms are almost impossible to remember when they are finally gone. In fact the awful intestinal mess I suffered from during the first 20 months or so is gone and I can hardly remember it anymore though I know it was horrible. The whole experience of course will never be forgotten, it has cost me my job, a lot of money, and tons of stress. But also learned me a lot, allbeit in a hard way. I would defintately have prefreed a smooth taper, that would proably prevent the near-psychosis I fell into and the subsequent violent actions against my former bully... and I will never ver forget about this near-fatal mistake and never ever forgive the ignorant docs who failed to educate me... But when the symptoms are really gone (if this ever happens and after 44 motnhs and reading the stories here, my fear is growing), building a new life will be possible I guess. Finding a job after being homebound for 4 years and a story which nobody will beleive will not make it easier...

" a story which nobody will beleive will not make it easier' 

 

I get this part and the forgetting too... somethings I forget till I read about it here and it all comes back to me. 

I am wondering about the forgetting especially forgetting how bad wd was once back on the drugs... I wonder if something has changed in our brains that makes us forget like hormones do this job  for women in childbirth... maybe neurotransmitters/hormones are doing the same in wd... 

:) yes it bring back into play my fav new word agnosia... thanks Breggin

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Hangingon

Very tough to create a new self when I am still so very sick with withdrawal after 7 months totally drug free.

I gave up my life and moved to a new city to get off the drugs and take a dbt program. Success, I'm off the drugs, completed the program and now I'm just sick pretty much 24/7. There was a very brief window between coming off benzo n coming off Prozac but that came to a screeching halt 6 weeks later.

Unable to connect w anything... Even lost the connection to my dog who used to be my lifeline :(

I was a very spiritual person, people person, kind hearted, known for my smile.. Now? Nada

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