helpless: 15 mg Mirtazapine

[helpless]

Hello all, i had found this site on google before and have some questions.

 

I took 15 mg Mirtazapine 6 months and stopped 5 months ago, now i'm in big trouble.

 

After stopping i slowly started losing my emotions and feelings but now i'm complete dead inside, it feels like my soul has gone, there is only silence in me, no matter what i'm doing i can't enjoy things anymore because i'm not connected to it in any way like emotions, thinking about it etc.. and it's almost impossible to sleep, because i simply don't feel anything and don't even know when i'm tired, when i read my name or see some old pictures of myself, i don't feel connected to it in any way, same thing if i look in the mirror, it simply is like there is nothing inside me anymore. I don't have panic attacks or feel sad, i can't say how i'm feeling because feelings are no longer there. If i remember some things i can't get some emotions or feel deep about something that was very important to me, i lost interest in everything that i loved, its hard to concentrate without feeling anything, or know what todo, what is important or not, what is right or wrong..... it's also almost imposible for me to go out or visit some friends, but i know that i'm in reality and never had hallucinations, some time after stopping mirtazapine i was manic

 

My question now is what could this be? Is it permanent braindamage or is it some sort of DP? I had DR before but i had feelings and panic attacks, now i simply don't feel anything. I had depression for years but this for sure is no depression anymore. Please let me know anyone what i can do about this because im very suicidal the last time, but i don't want to give up and die in this condition, i had many plans for my life, i can't belive all that could happen to me and i don't wish such condition to anyone, well maybe to the doc only that gave me that pills...

 

Regards, helpless.

Edited July 19, 2016 by scallywag
tags added

[mammaP]

Hi Helpless, I have moved your post to introductions, this is your thread to update when you like, it will be your journal.  

 

I'm sorry that you are feeling like this.  It sounds like you may be suffering from 

withdrawal anhedonia , there is a thread covering it here. http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2873-anhedonia-apathy-demotivation

 

It is also a side effect that I suffered with for years before starting to taper effexor, I had no idea it had a name or that it was

caused by the drug.. 

 

I wish I could make it better for you but only time can do that. Sometimes reinstating a tiny dose can relieve symptoms 

but at 5 months out there are no guarantees that it would help. 

 

It isn't permanent and is not brain damage, you will recover from this. Many people find fish oil and magnesium

helpful but some supplements make things worse. It's always better to start with a very small amount and increase gradually.

 

Are you taking any other medications? Anything at all, even herbs or over the counter stuff?

It would help if you can put your history in your signature line for us,  when drug/s were started and stopped, and the doses. 

 

You will find instructions how to do that here:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/893-please-put-your-withdrawal-history-in-your-signature/

Edited March 10, 2014 by Petu
fixed link

[Nikki]

Hi.....nice to meet you....I can't advise you on mirtazapine but there are alot of other members who are trying to get off of it....If you read thru the introductions you can see who they are and chat with them.....

 

Best regards

 

Nikki

[Altostrata]

Welcome, helpless.

 

Yes, you may be suffering from post-discontinuation syndrome.

 

Many people do well with fish oil and magnesium supplements, see
http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/
http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1300-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/
 

[helpless]

6 months of taking this ****, ruinied my life completly, used to be an very creative person and deep thinker, now all that is left is my body, my spirit, my mind, my soul, my personality has been taken from me, my mind is blank all the time, i can't think deep about anything anymore, it's like someone cut out my tounge from the inside out, all i want is sleep but i can't, when i wake up it's like i had no sleep, i'm never tired, never in good or bad mood, don't know how to act anymore, or what to say to someone, lost all my interests, it's like i never lived my live before, everyday is completly the same, no ups or downs, nothing feels good or bad anymore, there is no hate, love, joy or something else and in the same time its like i don't even care about that, is there any chance to heal? what meds can help me? docs could not help me, they simple don't give a **** about my situation, said that i'm shizophrenic and gave me zyprexa for 2 months. i tried 5 HTP, omega 3, random vitamines, benzos, amphetamines gave me energy only, please give me some hope before i finally end my life.

[compsports]

Helpless,

 

Many people have felt like you but came out the other side greatly improved.    What you are experiencing is the withdrawal issues and is not really you.   Would it help to simply picture those thoughts as separate and not really an indication that you want to commit suicide?

[helpless]

Looks more like a complete lobotomy and not withdrawal issue

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eboPiMAO0po

[compsports]

I definitely understand how desperate you are.  You might want to read this site, http://beyondmeds.com/ as the owner, Gianna Kali, who posts here, got off of 6 psych meds and had taken a million of them throughout the years.

 

As far as what type of life you are leading, I am not experiencing withdrawal but I am dealing with severe sleep deprivation that has similar type issues.   I find that accepting the situation helps alot.   That doesn't mean I like it because frankly, it stinks to high heaven.  But simply acknowledging my limits seems to help keep my negative thoughts at bay.

[andy]

reading and watching horror stories about ADs wont help you get off them ,you have to stay positive and blank out the negatives

WD is hard there is no question about that but lots and lots of people get over it short and long term.

Put a plan together and start your recovery journey

Good luck

[Altostrata]

Hello, helpless. I merged your recent posts into your Intro topic to keep your journey all in one place.

 

Have your symptoms changed at all since March, when you first visited?

[mlrp]

Helpless, I'm on Wellbutrin and Mirt (and Lorazepam). Tapering too fast off Wellbutrin is what got me here, but I believe in my case that Mirt is the bigger villain. I only had bouts of depersonalization but anhedonia was a huge part of my initial w/d "profile." Found zero pleasure in anything - even things that I had been absolutely passionate about in the past. In fact, it had become acutely painful to experience or think about things that used to give me pleasure.

 

Also, like you, my cognitive functioning was waaaayy down - couldn't concentrate on anything for more than a few anguished minutes, had to read the same paragraph over and over, the simplest math was overwhelming - all of which made my already extreme anxiety worse.

 

I, too, would "sleep," but never, ever, ever woke feeling rested - in fact, the opposite. I stopped dreaming entirely. I feel like Remeron "deadened" a huge part of my brain.

 

You will have to chart your own path out of this, with help from this forum and other resources, because everyone's situation is unique. And as others have said, it will be a great challenge. It will take time, patience, endurance, and learning new methods of distress tolerance.

 

I'm writing this to you because there is HOPE. The drug messed with your brain and CNS mechanics (in simpleton layman's terms) and it will take time for your system to do the complex work of repairing itself. Two things that help me in desperate times are clinging to the knowledge that it's the drugs (or their after-effects), not me, that are doing this, and healing continues even during the worst waves of symptoms. 

 

So, it isn't you. It is the drugs. And your system is continually working on healing itself, even as you read this, even during your worst moments.

 

I write this because even though I have a ways to go, my symptom profile is gradually improving. Sometimes the progress feels glacial, and I still have waves that are painful but, looking back, I see that I am not at the same level of distress I was a few months ago. Sleep is somewhat more restful. Dreams are back. Pleasure and enjoyment are beginning to return.

 

One thing I might suggest is to be careful of how many different kinds of supplements you might be taking. They can be very activating to a CNS that is already over-stressed.

 

Courage! You can do this.

[tgirl]

Helpless how are you doing?

[tgirl]

Mlrp, how are you doing?

[Muddles]

Helpless - you have exactly the same symptoms as I have. Please tell me how you are?

[Muddles]

I was in n mirtazapine too.

[helpless]

Hey, nothing changed and i'm thinking about suicide daily. I'm not existing anymore, a complete lobotomy and ereasure of everything that i ever was. I don't understand how such meds are even legal, i wish death to the creater of this drug and endless suffering in hell with the same symptoms.

[Muddles]

I'm so sorry...its absolutely criminal.

 

Have you reported this to the FDA? I did yesterday - please do if you haven't.

 

Thinking of you.

[LexAnger]

Hi hope, I totally agree with you about these dangerous and harmful drugs! You can tell from my user name how much I hated the whole thing! It's sooooo true that my life is completely ruined by it!

 

After years struggling, I eventually learned to accept the dreadful situation and almost have peace with it. This is the first step of being ready to heal. It took very long and thousands of self convincing to get to the point, but it's very critical and you will gradually get there too.

 

As many others who successfully got over to the other side and be oneself again, there is hope. It can be a very long healing process but keep this hope all the time and know you will be back to normal and enjoy normal emotions and life will keep us going, one day at a step.

 

Good you don't have other suffers like me strange pain, numbness, pressure every where 24/7 so severe hard to believe. We need to remind ourselves and each other for the hope to survive this incredible suffering and get our lives back.

[helpless]

I even lost my voice in the head, the inner monologe, that was there my whole life, there is only silence, i don't have any reaction from what i'm seeing, listening etc....i'm never scared, or anything! How the **** is this even possible? Thats like my brain has been shutdown completly! My inner universe that i build since i was born, has been replaced with NOTHINGNESS, that is unchanged 24 / 7. It's over an year now and nothing has changed, only looks like it is getting worse and worse. Would i take heroin, combined with cocaine and meth for 6 months, i wouldn't have such brain damage and for sure wouldn't lose my entire soul.

[Muddles]

Your situation is the exact same to mine - it must be mirtazapine. I wake up (when I sleep) feeling totally dead with suicidal thoughts. I have other problems too...It has destroyed my humanity and I just want it to stop. What do we do?

 

The good thing for you is that you were on it for 6 months only. You have a chance of recovery but you will just have to wait out this hell. This stuff needs to be banned!!!!

[Muddles]

Message me anytime.

[Hopefull]

hi helpless,

to some extent i know how you are feeling.

i am weaning off mirtz have experienced numbness, weird symptoms that doctors can't explain and disturbing dreams. i too have days when i don't feel like a normal human being. but i think that in time you will heal. although easier said than done you have to stay strong and keep going. i just wanted to share this with you so that you don't feel alone. we all have struggles you are not alone. i wish you well.

[helpless]

Yea docs can't explain, because they don't even know how that pills work, they just give them to you like candy, that's all they want and that's their job, i'm not longer the same person and i really don't think i ever will be again, because i don't think that i can survive this hell. I really did not even know that something like this is possible, this is not like lobotomy only, but erasure of complete humanity, you not even longer exist and still you don't even care, your personality is simply removed, like you not lived the life before and this is not like DP, i had that before and it is like paradise compared to this hell. It is like i'm not even in contoll of my movements, because the deep core that observed / controlled it, is removed, the deepest core of your soul.

[tgirl]

Hello helpless,

I too am suffering in remeron hell!

I feel for you!

You are in my thoughts and prayers!

[Rhiannon]

Helpless, would you mind telling me how old you are? Also, have you used other psych drugs besides the mirtazapine ever? You mentioned Zyprexa. Maybe you could put your full med history into your sig line, it would be helpful for us if you did.

[helpless]

I'm 26 years old, only took mirtazapine for 6 months, then they forced me to take zyprexa for 2 months, because they told me now that i'm shizophrenic. I tried to exploit this to my parents, but they belive the doctors. Some girl i know since i was 10 years, took mirtazapine also and is now to 80% retarded, some other guy "drizzy" on this board has same symptoms....

[Muddles]

How many people have been labelled after having adverse reactions to medication. This is sick!! You weren't schizophrenic before meds and you certainly aren't now.

[helpless]

How many people have been labelled after having adverse reactions to medication. This is sick!! You weren't schizophrenic before meds and you certainly aren't now.

 

There is nothing inside to be shizophrenic or psychotic. I for sure would feel better beeing shizophren.

[helpless]

I dicided now that i end my life, after i talked to my mother about my sitation and she started stressing me after that about some simple useless ****, there is noone that can help me and noone can understand me, there is no more hope, none gives a **** and i don't longer care. i wish you all the best.

[simon]

Helpless,

Don't let anyone scare you with labels like schizophrenic.

30 years ago my wife had the same label and was told that shed be on powerful drugs for the rest of her life. She spent 6 months lying on the floor of a mental institution, unable to speak or hardly move. In total hell.

Fast forward 30 years, shes had no further recurrence of mental illness inspite of powerful anti-psychotics, 20 sessions of ect (practically enforced in those days) and little hope given by the people looking after her.

She recovered, has had 3 kids and leads a completely drug-free and productive, creative life. 

These are often one off crises that pass.

One person that inspires me (you can see him on utube videos) is Will Hall from Mad in America. Same diagnosis, completely well and active, helping others.

If you read some of the books recommended on this site like Anatomy of an Epidemic, youll find that in the past, before these so called wonder drugs, people had these crises and eventually recovered naturally because there was no medication available. Its just that unfortunately weve become guinea pigs on drugs that just haven't been properly tested.

I take the same drug as you and im determined to eventually taper off it. I just don't know whats taken me so long to get to this turning point!

Keep fighting

Simon 

[Petunia]

I dicided now that i end my life, after i talked to my mother about my sitation and she started stressing me after that about some simple useless ****, there is noone that can help me and noone can understand me, there is no more hope, none gives a **** and i don't longer care. i wish you all the best.

 

Helpless,  I'm so sorry that you feel no one understands, or can help, that is what we are here for, we understand because many of us are going through the same thing.

 

But we are an internet forum and not able to help you if you are seriously considering ending your life, you must contact some real life help.  Please call your local suicide hot line or tell someone in your life what you are thinking of doing. Is there anyone else you can talk to besides your mother?  I'm not sure if you are in the US or not, but if you are, here is a site where you can get information:

 

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

 

Please come back and let us know how you are doing.

 

Petu.

[LexAnger]

Hi Helpless, if you read some of the introduction from members here, all of us ended here because each is going through a similar yet unique suffering and many are in much worse situation. You are probably the youngest in the forum, and even most of us much older than you are still trying with all the strength we can have to get out of the tunnel. If you read the successful stories, you will know there is hope for real and everyone will get oneself back eventually with enduration and patience. I experienced the same suicidal thoughts as this condition makes us thinking hopeless and impossible. It's the meds acting not real, once you feel better the idea will go away. Life is so precious as I learned especially after this incredible and horrible experience. Thinking about how many great years ahead once I'm out is how I am living each day and hour. It's very hard for ppl who are not in the same shoe to understand as its beyond normal human beings normal experience. I have been very frustrated trying to make ppl understand but now I have peace with their lack of understanding. This forum helped me a lot to equip myself with hope, confidence, strength and knowledge critical for me to move forward with a strategy. You are not alone even ppl in your real life does not understand. We are all here to support with complete understanding.

[Hopefull]

hi helpless,

you are young and you do have a future. this will pass and you will get better. find a really good councellor/ psychologisomeone who can guide you and give you the support that you need.

[mammaP]

Hang in there Helpless, please take care and just hold on tight. I know what it is like when no-one understands,

you feel so alone in your suffering. I know that people didn't understand me and now I am glad they didn't,

because you have to feel this to understand it, and I wouldn't want anyone to feel the same way. 

Last year I had some very very low times when I just felt like I couldn't carry on, just couldn't go on for another

minute.  I planned what to do and how to do it, but thought about my daughter. We had a row and I knew that

if I ended it then she would blame herself for the rest of her life. My being suicidal was nothing to do with the row,

I was feeling it anyway and the row probably kept me from doing it because I didn't want her to feel that way so

somehow I got through and took each hour, each minute and just carried on breathing, it was all I could do,

breathe.  And it passed, it passed and now I am so glad that it did. 

 

It will pass for you too, it really will, we all care about you very much and want to see you get well. 

This Mamma cares and sends hugs. 

[dalsaan]

Many of us have felt, at one time or another, broken, helpless, hopeless and alone.  

 

And we have felt it wont change ... and then it does.

 

Early in my journey I felt entirely empty, like there was no person inside, just a bunch of very distressing symptoms, now I have found myself again and even discovered new things about me and new interests/capacities.

 

Please seek help to manage your symptoms and desperation until the change comes - it will, nothing is permanent.  Being younger and without a very long drug history counts in your favour.  

[helpless]

Hey, I'm still here but not for a long time i guess, it really looks like I got some unique braindamage from that drug and I think my frontal lobe has been completly damaged, I'll wait one year, if I can, then if nothing change, I will kill the psychiatriest with a big ******* knife, but before I will force him to eat all kind of medications. There is no ******* way to survive this kind of damage and hell, when you simply don't even have your voice in your head that you had your whole life, without it, i can't say how I feel, what I think, because i always was in some kind of monolouge with myself / my soul + even the feelings are gone now, one year and nothing changed. It maybe sounds strange, but I simply can't think anymore, it's like my whole mind has been taken from me, I can't plan for today and tomorrow, don't know what is right or wrong and this is every day the same ******* ****, now I don't feel frustraded, sad or anything about it.... and I don't feel empty inside, there is no inside, to feel empty, for example I touch things, but the inner construct that observed it, is no longer there anymore.

Drizzy took Mirtazapin only for 6 weeks, lost his job, his wife, 35 years old, lifing by his mother again, 2 times tried to comit suicide, he doesn't write back, so i guess hes gone now...