WinningThrough: Does it get better?

[WinningThrough]

Well, it was worth a try. Feeling more than a little desperate this morning and somewhat fed up with legs that decided they wanted to do their own riverdance when I woke I thought, that's it. I'm having a lorazepam. I deserve a break. So I took 1mg at 9 am. And at 11.15 I was still waiting for it to kick in. When I first ever took it, I would feel the kick in half an hour. Not so this time. Groan. So I took another 0.5mg. And waited. And waited. And I reckon it's affected me about 5%. Whoop de do. There goes my idea of a day out then. Back in the padded cell for me then. I obviously haven't done my time yet.

 

Well I know now that I can't take the odd lorazepam as a rescue. For that odd occasion when I want or need to do something. I always liked knowing it was there for that rare occasion. Well, not any more. It has ceased to be. It will be interesting to see if I get any kick back this week.

 

All bets really are off in withdrawal. I'd really like a very long sleep and to wake up in six months. If I still feel the same then another six months. If I've improved, ill emerge from my slumber. We can but dream.

[chicken]

Winning,

I found this on another board. A man had akathisia and corrected it. I thought you may be interested. I don't know if any on here have looked at it from his perspective.

 

http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/topic/65200-how-i-survived-the-mother-of-all-side-effects-effing-akathisia-warning-long-post/

[WinningThrough]

Hi chicken. It's very kind of you to find this and post it on my thread. Thank you. I appreciate it. The way he writes is very amusing!! He has described it down to a tee. I can relate to what he said about choosing hell over akathisia!!

 

Interesting about the vitamin c and hypoglycaemia. I will look into that. I eat loads of almonds (he mentioned eating these). I notice he got times with no akathisia. Unfortunately, I never get breaks from it. This is interesting though. Thank you.

[chicken]

Do you get breaks from it when you take the Ativan?

[WinningThrough]

I did initially. But I took one on Sunday, having not had one for 2.5 months and it didn't touch the akathisia. First time it hasn't worked. I will never take it again. My way out of akathisia is med free. I've read so many times that people who took nothing to get rid of the akathisia got rid of the akathisia (if that makes sense!)

[WinningThrough]

OMG I just laughed. And I laughed quite a lot. My partner just said something which cracked me up. Ages since I've done that. Bring on the laughing spells! I do hope I have more. Please let me have more laughing spells.

[chicken]

Winning,

Is this the first time you've last since getting the akathesia?

[WinningThrough]

Well, I've laughed a bit here and there but not really felt it. This time, I found it genuinely funny! It must be a big thing for me to announce it on here.

[chicken]

I'm so happy for you winning. I went forward in church and was anointed with oil and we prayed for you.

Looks like a prayer is being answered. I'm so glad you laughed. With high anxiety it's hard to show any emotion.

[WinningThrough]

Oh my goodness, thank you! That was really kind of you and I'm really touched that you thought to do that for me. Thank you!

[chicken]

Your Welcome, I didn't say anything. I was waiting to see what would happen with the prayer. I hope you're well on you way to healing.

[WinningThrough]

I've been putting off posting this for a while, mainly because I keep making mistakes and I'm a prime example of what not to do. I was embarrassed to admit it. I know what ive let myself in for. I know that no one can help me and I have to push through but it's good to be here for support.

 

I didn't want to admit it but I came off my second reinstatement. My intuition told me I needed to do this. I did a fairly fast titration off the 1mg of zoloft and have been off it about 3 weeks. I had the uncomfortable feeling that, given my extreme sensitivity to psych drugs, given the neverending suicidal ideation while on them and the akathisia even at low doses, that whatever I did I was going to suffer intensely. I was already in acute withdrawal. I tried a reinstatement, which I did all wrong and couldn't stand the side effects..one in particular. I stayed on my second reinstatement of 1mg about a month and my withdrawal symptoms remained the same. On 0mg I've been probably much the same as on 1mg.

 

My major mistake was taking the 1mg lorazepam on Sunday. It barely worked but helped a little. I kept staggering about though and I fell over in the night. The following day it was still helping me a little..enough to get dressed and have a friend come round to give me some reiki.

 

At 4pm, it wore off and bam. I now think that a lot of what I've gone through has been benzo withdrawal. Before the lorazepam my brain zaps had been improving and I'd had times here and there of feeling a little better. When it worse off, the brain zaps went crazy. Zap zap zap. And they've been awful all week. Blurred vision bad. More suicidal than ever this week. I've been suicidal non stop for ten months but this week ... Apart from the other evening when I laughed out of the blue. That was good. The agitation and feeling that my legs and arms were in different parts of the room was dreadful earlier in the week and I could actually feel the severe inner agitation in my dreams!! Having major sweats. It's the lorazepam. And the crying has been extreme again. There's definitely a lot of benzo withdrawal going on. Either that or it's aggravated the zoloft withdrawal. I will never know.

 

What a mess.

 

I've only ever done what seemed right at the time and I've only ever acted out of desperation. I've been given great advice on here but I've messed up.

 

With me it was never going to be easy. Severe adverse reaction, stayed on despite this, got put on more drugs, got worse, benzo on and off, fast clueless taper off both drugs, massive withdrawal, two dodgy reinstatements, just gone through the menopause, chronic fatigue syndrome, candida .. I was never particularly well before I took the drugs. Enough said. I accept that I'm not an easy case to solve and I've done everything wrong.

 

It would be great to still get the support here. Just knowing people are there makes a big difference. I'm terrified. From now on, it's no drugs and stability for my brain. No messing around with vitamins.,just stability. No changes.

 

I'm as negative as I can be right now but I need to go back to my positive things. I did get as far as writing a future success story last week. And having the reiki was good.

 

I'm scared as hell but I have to keep going and push through this. I imagine the acute phase will go on for some time. Thank you all for you support and kindness. It means a lot. I'm glad I got this off my chest.

[WinningThrough]

Bit of a window today ...

[bubble]

Of course we will support you and thank you for sharing your experience and reaching out!

 

big hug,

 

bubble

[WinningThrough]

I drove today!!! Drove my car to a car boot sale. Bought a candle. Then walked around the grounds of a stately home. Had a cup of tea in a church hall. Yep, I really did!

 

Last night I walked around the garden, barefoot, at 11pm in the dark. Nice to feel the grass under my feet.

 

Two days in a row I've felt a bit better. That's the longest yet. Today is the best I've felt since this whole debacle started. This is the least black in the head I've felt.

 

Go me!

 

I think we can call that a window ...

[lexicon]

Hi dear Winning ..

 

I am saddened that you are going through these difficulties

 

I feel for you, and send you a hug of comfort from across the miles ..

 

Wishing you healing blessings .. I will hold you in my thoughts and prayer ❤️

 

Love, Lexi

[WinningThrough]

Bless you, Lexi! thank you. I'm going to be fine. I did really well today!

[mattinsmom]

Yay you for getting out. 

 

Venting is perfectly fine and we all make mistakes. You recognize yours and are doing what you can to right the situation. Can't really ask for more than that. 

 

You mention reiki - do you ever work on yourself? Are there other forms of energy healing that you are doing? 

 

I hope that today continues to be a bright one for you. 

[Rhiannon]

Yay for windows!

 

We all just do the best we can. It's much easier for me to give advice to others than to do what I know I should or to follow my own advice. Nobody's keeping score. Thanks for staying with us, hang in there, you'll get lots of support here.

[WinningThrough]

Thanks bubble mattinsmom and Rhi :-)

 

Mattinsmom, I do some reiki on myself but I find it hard. I have someone coming to give me more reiki on Friday. I'm not doing other energy work yet although a friend is going to give me an 'aqua detox' which means that you put your feet in a solution and the machine somehow drags the toxins out through your feet. Not sure how it works but I will try anything. Otherwise, I do visualisation.

[WinningThrough]

Now I understand windows and waves. Because it's finally happening to me. I read about it and couldn't quite relate. I guess I had sort of windows in that things were either torture or slightly less torture! But this weekend, I think I had my first proper window. And my longest.

 

The tidal wave slammed today. I'm not surprised.

 

The window was encouraging. I've started the windows and waves pattern at last. This means more windows will come. This means healing has started. I have to ride the wave. I have no choice. I will keep looking forward to the next window. It will come. This is how it works.

 

I'm finding that I can sort of watch films again up to a point. Even serious ones. I can't feel them, can't properly distract, but I can get something out of them. This is progress, I think.

 

Something's shifting. I'm not sure how I know this but instinctively I do. Things are shifting. It's started.

[mattinsmom]

I haven't done the ionized foot bath yet but I know two people who swear by it. I'm glad that you have someone that can do energetic work with you.

[Rhiannon]

Good for you! Yes, it's started. Remember to come back and see this when you're in that state of mind that says "it will never get better."

[Addax]

I think knowing that there is such a pattern as windows and waves helps get through those awful waves. I'm working on remembering that right now.

 

I think what Rhi wrote is a good idea, and I'm glad you know your next window is coming and that waves pass. I hope you'll let us know when you get to it!

[mogfish]

Hi Winning!

 

So glad to hear that you are getting windows now and that you have had a good laugh. laughing really is medicine for the soul. I hope this wave passes quickly for you and your next window is longer and that they come more frequently. Good for you Winning! 

[WinningThrough]

Thanks Rhi, Addax and Mogfish? Rhi..thanks for the reminder. I need it today in my wave!

[mattinsmom]

How was the foot bath? 

More importantly, how are you?

[WinningThrough]

How was the foot bath? 

More importantly, how are you?

Thanks for asking after me MM! The foot bath was relaxing. My feet loved it! It was interesting. The water was black afterwards. Not quite sure how it works.

 

I've been very mixed. After last Sunday's window, I had a massive wave on Monday. Tuesday I had two windows and two waves on the same day. Talk about a rollercoaster! Felt awful in the morning but managed a bath and dressed. Then got hit with a huge crying spell. Then a slight window..went for a walk & commented to my boyfriend that I may be improving. Got slammed again when I got home.

 

On Wednesday when my friend came, I coped..spoke to her about her life which was good. It sort of connected me to old times in a very small way. I've barely seen my friend since all this happened and we used to hang out a lot. It was good to see her. Later that evening I was slammed again. Thursday was pretty bad.

 

Friday, well, I guess I had a bit of a window. I dreaded the healing because it meant getting dressed and doing minimal house tidying, both of which are always like climbing Everest. I coped, though. The healing was really good. I could feel it and was somehow able to lie on the couch without moving. It seemed to keep me in that place throughout. Afterwards, I actually stretched!! It's nearly a year wince I was able to have a good stretch in the morning. After the healer had gone, I managed to go to the supermarket and do some shopping. In the evening, I was quite chatty and comparatively cheerful! I even sung at one point!

 

Yesterday..massive, massive wave all day. Yuck. These dang waves and windows. All over the place.

 

Who know what delights I have in store for me today!! Another day in paradise. Lol.

 

Having a psychic reading tomorrow ...

[Petunia]

It sounds like you are having some good windows and are able to feel well for longer periods of time, this is a good sign that you are recovering.  The waves will slowly decrease.

 

How was the psychic reading?    My daughter had one of those a few months back.

 

How are you?

[WinningThrough]

Hi Petu

 

I cancelled the psychic reading. I've been in a massive wave the last few days. I tried to force a window today but realised that doesn't work! Which makes me more sure windows are real when they come.

 

I hope you're coping. Take care.

[mammaP]

Just catching up with your thread Winning. You've had some lovely windows and I'm so 

happy for you. Just remember them when you are in a wave, and remember that waves

are when our brains and bodies are healing. The windows will always open again. 

 

I'm glad your dad is ok and that his hip replacement went well.  I am in the same part

of the country as you and my family is in Scotland. I have been flying up and down for years.

Flights are only 90 minutes at the most, depending which airport you use, and fares can be

cheaper than the train! You can get disabled assistance, and you will be taken by wheelchair 

right through security and onto the plane. I couldn't do it without that help and you don't need to

be registered disabled.   Message me if you want any more details about Airlines etc.  

I do realise you might not even be able to do that, but when you are ready

It would be lovely for you to get to visit your dad  without all the stress that goes along with travelling! 

[mattinsmom]

Stopping by. I am glad to hear that you were able to feel the energy work and have that moment to stretch. A stretch can feel so good!

 

Waves are lousy, there really isn't any other way to put it. But so far you have 100% success rate of making it thru them!

[WinningThrough]

Thanks ladies :-)

 

mammaP we have quite a bit in common! I hadn't thought about going through the airport in a wheelchair. Good idea. I'm not ready just yet, but when I'm well enough I will ask you about airlines. Currently back to being bed and couch bound. My brains doing some serious healing work just now.

 

mattinsmom, thank you for reminding me that I have a 100% success rate of getting through waves! That's a good way of looking at it! Gripping onto my surfboard just now ...

[WinningThrough]

I'm feeling so angry. I've just received a copy of my 'care' plan from my CPN.

 

I've told the CPN time and time again that the drugs caused my problems and she seemed to very much be coming round to my way of thinking. I told her that my GP had recognised that my issues were drug induced and that he had recommended I see a neuro psychiatrist. He said I would have to see a psychiatrist to be referred, which obviously terrified me. I now wish I had never agreed to this. I have an appointment with the new psychiatrist on Thursday. My aim is to get a referral to the neuro psychiatrist but I've got a feeling he won't do this and will just give me a new label and try to drug me.

 

Despite the progress I thought I'd made with the CPN, on the care plan, which runs until at least December (I can't discharge myself), it says I need to 'understand the need for anti depressant medication when my mood is very low' and to 'reflect on other potential triggers for my deterioration other than medication'.

 

For goodness sake. My low mood was caused by the ******* drugs. How can they think that becoming suidical every second of the day while on a drug means that I need to take more drugs??? The triggers for my deterioration are the stupid medications I took and getting off them. Wen will I get this through to her???? Probably never. I'm livid.

 

In the relapse indicators section (my withdrawal symptoms), she has put increased health anxiety, rumination regarding health, poor concentration, low mood and suicidal thoughts. I had all these on the ******* drugs. As another objective, she has said 'to look at alternative medication'.

 

One of the big reasons for my suicide attempt last year was that I felt so out of control and forced to take drugs. I thought I was getting away from all that but now it seems it's all coming back again. I just don't know what to do.

[WinningThrough]

OMG I've just seen a sweeping statement saying 'I believe that medication has ruined my life despite there being several more likely triggers for the deterioration in my mental state'.

 

This is the sort of the thing that makes me want to off myself.

[mammaP]

I don't believe you can win with these people! They believe what they believe and trying to

convince them that the drugs are the problem will fall on deaf ears. They then say you are

paranoid!

I tried to tell my psychiatrist many years ago that I was  fine until I started seeing her

and went to that hospital. They concluded I was psychotic! 

 

These days, I will not tell them if I feel low, or suicidal. I will only let them see that I am doing

ok off the meds. We KNOW about withdrawal but they don't, and they think it is the mental illnesss.

It is criminal what they are doing, and they get away with it when they should be doing some research

to keep up to date with developments  I can understand why you are angry, I would be too!