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feeling of going insane


Bellisimo
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Im seriously feeling im going insane soon, im scared 24/7, im loosing it.. ive been thinking thoughts like this will lead me to death or this will lead me to madness and end up in an institution tied up.. i have scary thoughts, im crying and im scared .. idk were this will lead me, idk when it will stop, this is insane.. these meds mixed up my brain soo much its crazy and scary

2007 - 2013: was on citalopram (tried to quit a few times, never worked, always went back on. max dose 40mg)

2012-2013: was tapering my citalopram all down to 2,5 mg then quit.
2013/aug: Took  my last pill 

W/D hit me bad after a few weeks off my medicine.

2014/August: 12 months off (much improved)

2015/April: 20months off. ( much improved, still some symtoms comes in waves, but not so intense.)

2015/june: 22months off. FELT different than before, all shakings suddenly stopped, feel much better. a fantastic feeling!

2016/Feb : 2 years and 6 months off, END of my suffering. I feel perfectly fine and back to normal. 
2018/Oct: Iam still feeling great. It is hard to believe my own story when I read back, what I went through!

 

 

 

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Hang in there, Bellisimo!! I also felt that way, and thought I might lose it completely, am still amazed that I didn't. Looking back on things I wrote when I was going through the worst of it, though, I realized my "center of control" was much stronger than I thought at the time.

The fact that you can actually verbalize your fear means you are still there and OK, despite the inner storm. Try to observe the scary thoughts without getting pulled into them (I can't say I've mastered this at all, but it's just about trying it over and over)... sort of how you would watch a storm outside your window, knowing you are safe inside.

 

This is going to sound funny, but sometimes it would help me to recite this to myself (the Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear from the Dune books--I bolded the part I think is key!):

 

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

'94-'08 On/off ADs. Mostly Zoloft & Wellbutrin, but also Prozac, Celexa, Effexor, etc.
6/08 quit Z & W after tapering, awful anxiety 3 mos. later, reinstated.
11/10 CTed. Severe anxiety 3 mos. later & @ 8 mos. much worse (set off by metronidazole). Anxiety, depression, anhedonia, DP, DR, dizziness, severe insomnia, high serum AM cortisol, flu-like feelings, muscle discomfort.
9/11-9/12 Waves and windows of recovery.
10/12 Awful relapse, DP/DR. Hydrocortisone?
11/12 Improved fairly quickly even though relapse was one of worst waves ever.

1/13 Best I've ever felt.

3/13 A bit of a relapse... then faster and shorter waves and windows.

4/14 Have to watch out for triggers, but feel completely normal about 80% of the time.

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  • 7 years later...

Glad I stumbled across this today. Feeling really rough lately. A lot of fear and feeling like I'm losing it. Went digging through the forum for others who may have felt this way and found my way here. Dune is my all time favorite book! I've returned to it time and again for the past 25 years. I love the litany against fear. Going to say this to myself all day today 🙂 

-SSRIs starting at age 16 - around 1996. Tried just about every one available for a period of a few years. Stabilized on Zoloft. Have been on it since about 2003.
-Added .5mg Haldol for Tourette's and OCD in 2005
-Tapered in fall/winter of 2012, got off of Zoloft completely. Think I went too fast. Long term withdrawal symptoms persisted for months, to the point that I went back to a 100mg dose.
-Found this site, tapered using the 10% plan in 2015. It was really rough. Went back on Zoloft at 100mg.
-Found a great therapist in 2017, learned new self care skills. Started tapering again. Got down to 50mg Zoloft, .4mg Haldol by late 2017 (? - memories a little fuzzy these days)
- Taper got rough again. Held dose at 50mg Zoloft, .4mg Haldol through early 2018. Wife had a baby. Was putting in a lot of hours at work. Had a "poop out". Brain fog, debilitating fatigue, and the works.
- Consulted with a health coach who specializes in mental health and psychiatric drug withdrawal. Developed a plan that involved hormones and supplements. Did a fairly rapid taper on Zoloft and Haldol over the course of 1 year. Felt awful, but it was manageable with the help of the hormones/supplements and frequent visits to my therapist. Psychiatric drug free as of 4/2020. I have about 10 months off of Haldol now, and 6 months off of Zoloft. Battling long term, protracted withdrawal symptoms, and going through h*ll, but so far I've managed to (just barely) keep my high paying job and maintain my relationship with my wife. (Updated 10/2020)
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