LexAnger: tapering or no tapering, generic vs. name brand lexapro

[LexAnger]

Hi grace, 

thank you for checking on me!

yeah, work used to be a good distraction in some ways, but since my new symptom of Nero emotion roller coaster started about a month ago triggered by work situation, I'm terrified to go to office in fear of someone or something would unintentional trigger my anxiety. A single thought of work would bring my panic feeling in a second. So I'm really just hiding myself from seeing ppl in office. Even though the original trigger was indeed annoying and distressful, I found myself now way too overacting to almost every little thing. So at this particular stage, I would really hope I don't have to work. As for how well I managed working these years, oh man, its purely unbelievable even with all the flexibilities and a highly functional team I manage who deliver by themselves. 

 

Im still in the worst wave ever since early December ( 3rd months since zero) with all strange and deliberating sxs with various pains the most torturous and others disabling by each alone. 

 

I guess im still in early stage of the healing and there is still a long road to walk until seeing some lights. So I readjust my mindset  ( like million times in the past 5 yrs of horrodous tapering ). I read many hit the hardest journey like 3 or more months after stopping the drug so I'm not really alone. 

 

My my pain is still consistent and hard to believe, i have to believe it will get better over time to continue. Like it says, when in hell and keep going.

 

I will try to get connected with you on PM when I'm feeling a bit better. You stay strong and hang in for more.

 

lex

[scallywag]

From another member's intro topic:

14 hours ago, LexAnger said:

So great to hear Gemini! This give me a lot hope!

i tried to read your journey, but didn't find it except for posts you made to others intro. Can you share more of your recovery or point me to your introduction ?

 

 

[LexAnger]

Thank you very much Scallywang!

[AmyK]

Lex, I wish you a better, calmer year in 2018. It will get better. <3 Just hang in there.

The stress the body feels (and reacts to) after zero is just overwhelming. I experienced it too.     The anxiety it brings is very chemical, it's not the "real" you or the "real" me. Sometimes this thought is comforting. I hope it can be that for you too.

You are so strong to handle your job the way you do. 

You will recover slowly. It will get better.

 

Love and hugs, Amy

[LexAnger]

Hi Amy!!! So good to hear you! I always think of you but know that you must be focusing on the last battle of your own and the final healing so I feel it's better not to 'chase' you too often

 

i hope oped you are improving even more everyday!

 

the anxiety and extreme emotional spiral is new to me but even though your word of ' it will pass' always plays in my mind when I'm in the most insane despair.  I thought I'm lucky not being affected in this way by lex, but now I am offered to the 360 degree scale of experience with Ssri effects --so I will know them all when I'm healed, maybe a purpose of all this suffering.

 

Its very tough rough that I am having old sxs worst with new ones added like a tornado after a long taper and being out for couple months. Did you experience a bad hit sometime in your post zero period?

 

also, I remember you asked about the impact of company layoff on me but I kept forgetting to get back to you on that. Yes I was impacted with an option though, that I can stay if I am ok with a lower level position for a different role. I decided to stay for the consideration of my WD situation. Lots stress were rooted from this new role with tons confusion and disturbance due to the huge scale re-org happened along with the layoff. 

 

Best wishes to you for a year of new life full of fast full recovery and happiness!

 

love,

lex

[LexAnger]

Hi Longestroadhome! 

 

yes, these drugs can mess up million different parts of a human body and mind and the subset it actually impacts each individual can be an unlimited array. Ever since I started tapering 5 yrs back, I have been experiencing day in and day out the various sxs with them changing in intensity and pattern along with my taper schedule. I know by my heart all the baziar sxs are caused by the drug and also know sxs others have that I don't have are also from these drugs. So I stopped seeing doctors ip since then for any of these ER type of sxs regardless of how terrifying they are! I know no body can do anything to make them go away or lessoned except for more such drugs which I know I will never touch again. 

 

When im is deep desparate I keep reading the success stories, they are my life line to keep the hope and going. 

I believe we will all heal eventually. I will continue updating my status and I know one day I will post a success story of my own too! 

 

You are so strong yourself, honestly no one without extreme strghth can hang around even for a short while going through this process. We only know how much streghth a human being has until we went through this journey!

 

keep the hope you will be back to home even it's a very long road!

 

lex

 

 

[scottly9999]

Hi lex

 

I havent been as regular on the boards lately.. just more naturally gravitated away from yhem.. not as fully consumed with my situation and emotions.

Howeverl what you have typed recently really struck a chord with me.  The intense suffering you have been through since being at 0mg is very similar to me, mostly the emotions.

It is purely indescibable.

I was on the verge of breaking down crying for months hysterically.

Infeltnlike my lofe was a whirlwind of chaos and disaster and despair.

Im still struggling with these emotions but they have lessened in their intensity.

 

Sorry for typos im on my tablet!

 

I jhst wanted to say that im about 8 to 9 months at 0 now and have settled into a blah, humdrum dressed state.

The crippling anxiety is mostly gone.

I have had glimpses of feeling better about myself.

Not very long lasting.

Im confised as im at an age of middle age now and maybe a bit of a midlife crisis... through the anhedonia i feel mostly... i seem to need lotsnnof stimulation to distract myself.

 

But i just wanted to backup what amyk seemed to say and that it will pass... but its gonna suck until it does.

I also have hope that ill also write my success story one day soon too.

But im still a long way off just now.

My struggles are inner emotkons and feeling of restlessness and how hard it seeems to be entertained and get my mind off myself..I still am dogged by feelings that my lofe is empty etc.. 

Again what is withdrawal and what is me?

I still think im in WD mostly.

 

Just wanted to mostly  say hi and that ive been thinking of you.

 

[AliG]

On 1/9/2018 at 1:46 PM, LexAnger said:

yes, these drugs can mess up million different parts of a human body and mind and the subset it actually impacts each individual can be an unlimited array.

 

Hi Lex.This is so true but having said that, eventually, in time~ it often reverts back to some kind of normality which can be fairly close to the life or the "you" that was, before all this started. At least, that has been my experience and I have seen it in others, also. I'm finding that, I'm starting to get the old "me" back to a large degree and a lot of the angst and neuro- emotions, being my last symptoms, are finally starting to melt away.

 

I don't believe we come out of this totally unscathed, as there are certain consequences to these drugs, but we can move forward in the knowledge that this does eventually improve... even if the time frame is sometimes, long and arduous ...

 

Hang in there,

Ali

[LexAnger]

I'm in the hardest phase of the last battle since 2 months off. Still fighting, will update when it turns.

 

Best wishes to all.

[grandmaD]

Oh LA, so sorry to hear this.  Sending my love and holding your hand.  Be determined.  One day at a time. Praying for you  x

[LexAnger]

Thank you dear GrandmaD!

 

Guess it's not a bad idea to give a very brief update anyway. Even just for record.

 

today marks 4 months off lexapro.

 

i believe lex is now all cleaned out from my system so my body is struggling for the first lex free time in 9 years. Many new odd sxs and strange sensation jump around by day and hour along with old ones intensified like never. 

 

This phase started about 2 months off the drug, morphing in the past 2 months still ongoing.

First set New sxs: emotional spiral causing insane anxiety attack, nervous breakdown, fear, for the first 6 weeks,

Worsened sxs:  severe pain all types headache, ear pain, needling pain, muscle and bone  pain everywhere, joint pain, hot flush daily seems less severe this week

Same or slightly worsened: numb, swallow, burning, head squeezing, DR, blurred vision Daily 

recently added: breathlessness, vertigo,  strange sensation on random body parts

 

just started having very clear dreams which I consider a good sign. Can laugh more unless sxs severe. 

 

worst 2 months so far, pretty much bed ridden with a few more functional days in between round Xmas.

sxs change much more frequently like in less a hour-- feeling my electric wires resetting constantly. 

 

Will see how it goes over time. I read many either CT or slow taper, can have similar pattern a few month off. So it's not untypical. 

 

Will update again when significant changes occur, need to focus on fighting this last battle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[grandmaD]

Thanks for the update, always good to hear how others are doing. 

 

One good thing going for you is that you are OFF IT!  Now for the nervous system to heal itself..

 

Wow, 4 months!  I hope that time has gone quickly for you, it seems to have gone quickyly for me!

 

i t realy is incredible that you can still be getting new and different symptoms.  Many of them similar to mine. 

 

Just based on my own tapers after a long hold, it was about the 6 month mark symptoms got worse, so hold tight and hope that after 6 mlonths you begin to see the top of the jmountaink!

 

You are a great warrior, go for it in this last battle fellow turtle!

 

 

[scottly9999]

1 hour ago, LexAnger said:

Thank you dear GrandmaD!

 

Guess it's not a bad idea to give a very brief update anyway. Even just for record.

 

today marks 4 months off lexapro.

 

i believe lex is now all cleaned out from my system so my body is struggling for the first lex free time in 9 years. Many new odd sxs and strange sensation jump around by day and hour along with old ones intensified like never. 

 

This phase started about 2 months off the drug, morphing in the past 2 months still ongoing.

First set New sxs: emotional spiral causing insane anxiety attack, nervous breakdown, fear, for the first 6 weeks,

Worsened sxs:  severe pain all types headache, ear pain, needling pain, muscle and bone  pain everywhere, joint pain, hot flush daily seems less severe this week

Same or slightly worsened: numb, swallow, burning, head squeezing, DR, blurred vision Daily 

recently added: breathlessness, vertigo,  strange sensation on random body parts

 

just started having very clear dreams which I consider a good sign. Can laugh more unless sxs severe. 

 

worst 2 months so far, pretty much bed ridden with a few more functional days in between round Xmas.

sxs change much more frequently like in less a hour-- feeling my electric wires resetting constantly. 

 

Will see how it goes over time. I read many either CT or slow taper, can have similar pattern a few month off. So it's not untypical. 

 

Will update again when significant changes occur, need to focus on fighting this last battle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi Lex.

 

You sound VERY MUCH the same as me - the first few months off are the WORST!!!

Both you and I had a pretty rough ride just tapering... and then the newest of hell once fully off the drug.

It's awful.

BUT I can say that I'm about 9 months fully off Lexapro now, and it DOES get better.

I'm a LONG way from healing or success... but I'm MUCH mroe stable.

The FEAR and MOOD swings, and nervous breakdown feeling (I HAD ALL THAT) Is mostly much more subdued.

I'm really in a very stabilized flat, blah, anhedonia, malaise / depressed stage...

And from what I read on the success stories, it seems this is the last phase, and takes AGES to go away.

During it, my mind keeps MAKING it real, linking the dots with how I feel, and trying to pinpoint PSYCHOLOGICAL reasons for my mood - but in reality it's just my BRAINS chemicals sorting themselves out, and learning to re-adjust the symphony.

 

JUST HOLD ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is not much you can do but JUST get through each minute, or hour, or day, or evening..

Just keep going.

it takes an AGNONIZINGLY long time, but I'm proving that it DOES improve.

Just do WHATEVER it is that makes you feel just a SLIGHTLY bit better for a few mins.

Music if you can tolerate it.

an uplifting movie.

a book

a walk

anything.

just BURN TIME - like a lot of the success stories - it's just time - the brain is healing.

I feel different to a year ago ,and to 2 months ago and 4 months ago.

 

I remember the SHEER panic and deperation I felt.

I think of all the brains systems that get suppressed with Lexapro - the Amygdala re-awakens the first - as it's such a primary system, so much of our instinct to survive is there.

It creates that sheet panic, and organic fear - as it's trying to protect us from a threat that doesn't exist - it's just a rebound effect.

The pendulum was held at an unnatural state for so long, it HAS to swing all the way through the crap emotions to return to it's normal equilibrium.

It's my theory anyway.

 

Sending you good wishes and thoughts!!!

You need them - we all do.

 

Scottly9999.

 

[brassmonkey]

(((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))

 

Brass

[LexAnger]

Love to all my peer survivors!

 

once again I want to say how grateful I'm to this forum providing the best knowledge, information, support and most of all, a platform to share experience! I honestly don't think I can make it to this far and continue the rest journey without all this forum provided!  

 

The success stories and individual experience and encouragement from all of you made this long, horrodous journey not as lonely and scary.

 

Yes grandmaD, I do have a different mindset now off the poison. I'm thinking more about the final healing than calculating doses and tapering.  Yes, even with so much suffering, 4 months were passed like that!  I know, I'm still early in the post zero stage, I would be very happy If I turn a corner round 6 months. 

 

scottly, how wonderful to hear you turned a corner stablizing!!! My god, it was really long you were hit by the emotional spiral the past months! Those are truly terrifying! I always complain about the terror of physical pains until I experienced the emotion craziness. thank you for sharing all the great tips and giving me hope! Yes, time and patience! We will win this last battle sooner or later! 

 

hugs back to you Tom! I hope you are recovering nicely from the back pain! 

Alig, sorry for the late reply! Thank you for stopping by and your kind and encouraging words and being an aspiration! I'm so happy you recovered so well and left the WD horror behind forever!

FSL, God bless your heart! I hope you are doing great continuously!

 

You are all my heroes! 

Much Love,

lex

 

 

[nz11]

Hang in there Lex 

Wishing you healing vibes.

Congratulations on 4 months drug free it will be a year before you know it.

 

[LexAnger]

14 minutes ago, nz11 said:

Hang in there Lex 

Wishing you healing vibes.

Congratulations on 4 months drug free it will be a year before you know it.

 

Thank you nz! 

A year is what I'm so looking forward to!

 

wishing you continuous healing and speedy full recovery!

[AliG]

Hi Lex. It can often be a long, windy road with many twists and turns along the way, but you will get there ... in the end.

 

((( hugs)))

Ali

[LexAnger]

10 hours ago, Longestroadhome said:

Oh my dear Lex, it seems so unfair how many symptoms you have had to battle with this drug withdrawal. And you only got put on for headaches in the beginning?   I stand in awe of all those who have managed to get off this drug and stay sane. It scares the hell out of me just thinking about it. 

The hardest is that majority of my sxs are on my head so even they sound physical, they are not pure physical, my brain is so fuzzy and head in a knot heavy and hard like a stone. 

 

But i have to keep the faith that all these will  eventually lift if I keep going.

 

my case is very unique like no others so don't be scared. That's another reason I don't want to post too much before it gets better. 

 

 

[LexAnger]

8 hours ago, AliG said:

Hi Lex. It can often be a long, windy road with many twists and turns along the way, but you will get there ... in the end.

 

((( hugs)))

Ali

Yes, dear AliG! I will continue having this faith that my brain will heal eventually!

[LexAnger]

That's a great post FSL about mindfulness on neuro emotion!

i can say it helped me  during the emotion spiral.

 

thankfully, the acute phase lasted only for 6 weeks. I still have negative thinking about things and ppl at work, but they are under control. Those crazy anxiety, fear, OCD are mostly gone.

[Rosetta]

Hello,

 

Thank you for your kind post on my thread.  I appreciate your encouragement.  I read through your last couple of months.  I see what you mean.  Your perspective is valuable.  I'm so sorry that you are suffering right now and that you have suffered from only one drug at such a small dose.  That does seem to be, as you say, a special case.  So few of the problems these drugs cause appear in the first few years they are prescribed.  

 

When you are feeling better, I would like to hear more about the meaning of your post on my thread.  In particular, the tolerance issue.  I'm not able to think about that issue right now either.  My brain isn't working well.  However, my mind drifts to the idea of trying to figure out a theory of what happened to me between 2011 and 2017.  Perhaps you are right -- it's not possible to determine what these drugs do to our brains, but I'm curious about whether you know anything about the tolerance issue.  It seems likely that I experienced it.

 

I am rooting for you!  I hope you recover right away from this rut you are having, that your recovery stays steady from now on.  It seems that even at a tiny amount the drugs are very powerful.  Either that or the brain can compensate for several weeks or months until its reserves are depleted.  I do believe that the intense symptoms mean a lot of restructuring is happening.  You have come so far!

 

Peace,

Rosetta

[AmyK]

Lex, I just want to stop by and send my love.

Amy

[Frogie]

Hi Lex:

 

I hope your side effects are fading everyday and you are feeling better. You've been off 5 months already awesome!

 

I have a couple of questions for you, if you don't mind answering me?

 

I just dropped to 2mg Lexapro. No side effects so far yay!! But I see you went pretty fast on your taper when you hit that mark? Can I ask why and if you had side effects? What were they?

 

Also, I have liquid Lexapro. How do you get down to .02 and lower? I guess I don't understand adding water. Can you explain it to me so I understand it?

 

I really appreciate your help in all this and once again hope you are doing well.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

[LexAnger]

 Hi frogie,

 

nice hearing you, I hope you are traveling ok!

 

i started fast taper since February 2016 from 3.2 mg down due to drug reaction caused by one dose updose ( 3.2 to 4.2). Major reaction sxs are DR and cognitive issue.

 

to get smaller doses using liquid, I dilute the original solution by adding water to it, then measure the diluted solution.

 

example, 

Step 1: take 1 ml original liquid (my solution is 5mg/5ml so this gives 1 mg lex) and put it into a new container

Step2: add 100 ml water (now we have 1mg/100ml solution), shake well.

Step3: take 1 ml of the diluted solution, this gives 0.01 mg lex

 

you can get even smaller doses by adding smaller doses in step 1.  eg. 0.1 mg instead of 1 mg, then you will get 0.001mg in step 3, and even smaller doses if you just take out 0.1 mg in step 3. 

 

In in the last few months, I stopped measuring the original liquid by ml, rather just using drops as drops are more accurate when I needed to get the original liquid smaller than 0.2 ml.

 

Please let me know if this is not clear. I will be happy to work out a excel table for you if you can let me know the following

your solution concentration

Each desired dose you want to get

 

lex,

 

 

 

[Frogie]

14 minutes ago, LexAnger said:

 Hi frogie,

 

nice hearing you, I hope you are traveling ok!

 

i started fast taper since February 2016 from 3.2 mg down due to drug reaction caused by one dose updose ( 3.2 to 4.2). Major reaction sxs are DR and cognitive issue.

 

to get smaller doses using liquid, I dilute the original solution by adding water to it, then measure the diluted solution.

 

example, 

Step 1: take 1 ml original liquid (my solution is 5mg/5ml so this gives 1 mg lex) and put it into a new container

Step2: add 100 ml water (now we have 1mg/100ml solution), shake well.

Step3: take 1 ml of the diluted solution, this gives 0.01 mg lex

 

you can get even smaller doses by adding smaller doses in step 1.  eg. 0.1 mg instead of 1 mg, then you will get 0.001mg in step 3, and even smaller doses if you just take out 0.1 mg in step 3. 

 

In in the last few months, I stopped measuring the original liquid by ml, rather just using drops as drops are more accurate when I needed to get the original liquid smaller than 0.2 ml.

 

Please let me know if this is not clear. I will be happy to work out a excel table for you if you can let me know the following

your solution concentration

Each desired dose you want to get

 

lex,

 

 

 

I really appreciate you helping me out. I just could'nt grab the concept of adding water to get a smaller dose.

 

I'm not ready to taper as fast as you but at least I know how to do it now.

 

I hope you are having lots of windows and doing well.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

[LexAnger]

A quick update-- now 1 week into month 6.

 

month 5 was pretty much same as month 4, in bed most of the time.

 

right at the starting of month 6, I see some clear changes, not in bed all the time.

 

REACTION SXS (all improving!!!)

DR and blurred vision lifting, only comes occasionally, it has been there ever since the drug reaction two years back, so a huge improvement. 

 

Cognitive better, more clear mind, another huge improvement same as DR from the drug reaction been there for 2 years.

 

i felt it's a major turning point with the above sxs lessening even with the many other sxs ( listed below) still as heavy and painful. This is how much the drug reaction did to me. Seeing the surrounding clear and being able to connect with the reality is such a beautiful feeling, I felt I'm back on the earth from a fake, foreign and alian place in the universe.  thinking more about future and life Othan than total dread in the WD world.

 

Face color (looks more right, not like poisoned  dark and lifeless. )

More clear dreams.

more emotion ( can cry watching movies)

more laughter 

 

The above improvement gives me huge hope and faith that healing is really possible and happening!!

 

 

WD SXS (some Still with all the sxs but not as intense or constant for some of them)

burning allover ( same bad)

needling(not as deep or painful)

pain head/face/allover, (still quite bad)

numb ( not as bad or constant) 

paralysis (only occational) 

Squeezing head ( on and off, not as constant or severe like a rock )

stiff head/neck/back (same bad, maybe not as constant)

ear pain in sleep ( same bad)

shortness breath (same intense but much less frequent )

anxiety (gone)

ocd ( still some, mainly negative thoughts about people or things, but not as crazy)

 

 

Overall,

better mentally and cognitively, similar or tiny better physically.

 

 

healing is happening, hard to believe still but it's real.

keep the faith and continue holding strong.

 

hope everyone is doing better. 

Love

lex

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Rosetta]

I'm so glad you are seeing improvement, Lex.  This has been such a long difficult road for you.  --Rosetta

[LexAnger]

1 hour ago, Frogie said:

I really appreciate you helping me out. I just could'nt grab the concept of adding water to get a smaller dose.

 

I'm not ready to taper as fast as you but at least I know how to do it now.

 

I hope you are having lots of windows and doing well.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

Ok. Let me know if when you are ready and need more details. I'm still around regularly although not frequently. 

 

Best wishes

Lex

[LexAnger]

22 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

I'm so glad you are seeing improvement, Lex.  This has been such a long difficult road for you.  --Rosetta

Thank you Rosetta!

I hope you continue healing with many more significant milestones!

 

Lex

[Frogie]

48 minutes ago, LexAnger said:

Ok. Let me know if when you are ready and need more details. I'm still around regularly although not frequently. 

 

Best wishes

Lex

I will definitely let you know if I need anything. You were a tremendous help!

 

I hope your healing continues and mine starts.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

[doxxigirl]

Hello Lex!  Just wanted to stop by and say hi!  I saw in post somewhere on this site that you are from Simi,  I used to live there too!  Is the big smiley face  off of the 118 still there? They have the best dog park I have ever seen, I used to take my little doggie there all the time. It's a nice little town.  I hope your healing is continuing!

[LexAnger]

Hi Doxxigirl,

 

thanks for stopping by my thread and the kind words!

well, I don't remember ever seeing the big smiley face from the exit (First street) I usually get off from 118. But I know a dog park right off from that exit so maybe I have missed seeing the smiley face.

 

I am still travelling in this seemingly needless journey, but believe it does end eventually so will continue until..

 

How are you doing? I hope your journey a much smoother and shorter if you do decide to start at some point.

 

Lex

 

[doxxigirl]

46 minutes ago, LexAnger said:

Hi Doxxigirl,

 

thanks for stopping by my thread and the kind words!

well, I don't remember ever seeing the big smiley face from the exit (First street) I usually get off from 118. But I know a dog park right off from that exit so maybe I have missed seeing the smiley face.

 

I am still travelling in this seemingly needless journey, but believe it does end eventually so will continue until..

 

How are you doing? I hope your journey a much smoother and shorter if you do decide to start at some point.

 

Lex

 

Hi Lex, nice to meet you,  The smiley face is on Happy face Hill near the Kuehner exit.  (you can see it as you drive over the hill from the valley) The dog park is in Big Sky, I love that dog park.. I used to work off of 1st st. up on the hill.  You are going to be fine, I can feel it.

Dox

[LexAnger]

Oh I see. Yes, I saw it many times while driving on 118! Very lovely ! 

 

Thank you for the great picture of the happy smiley face! I will definitely try to visit the dig park someday! 

 

Nice meeting you too Dox! Hope all are well for You! We will beat these poisons!

 

Lex

[grandmaD]

Hi LA - Just to let you know you are not forgotten, still in my thoughts and prayers.  Would love to hear from you for a recent update!

Hope things are stabilising for you!