hacilar: benzo withdrawal syndrome

[hacilar]

I just caught up with Shep's blog.  She continues to amaze me and I wish I didn't immediately compare myself to her and her mind-boggling abilities in spite of the suffering.  Still the same ol' same ol'...insomnia, lack of motivation, inability to feel anything but fear and dread.  LOTS of headaches...I never used to get so many migraines.  Lots of neck/shoulder/back pain and lots of sinus stuff at night.  Don't really know what to make of it.  Splurged and bought some fish oil again...taking Vitamin D, struggling to keep my Natur-thyroid despite the manufacturer 'reformulating' it...similar to what happened with Armour thyroid.  Not covered by Medi-Cal, natch.  So many things going on in the body that can be 'off'...no way to possibly know...can't afford any kind of deep look at any particular system.  Lord only knows what's really going on~surely this isn't just/still ID/PAWS.

 

Going to a free yoga class at the local 'Resource Center'...missed a week due to the flu (my first communicable disease for *years*) and am shocked by how quickly I lose condition.  So sore this last week and in bizarre places...lifting heavy pots up onto the porch for winter protection (I had no idea when I moved her that container gardening just isn't done due to soil freezing...I thought the weather here was comparable to Ashland, OR, *nope* more like the Rockies) tweeked my back,  The bio-dynamic cranial sacral whatever seemed to trigger this latest round of daily migraines.  It's getting scary--not sure how to manage all that pain with the limitations of the few tools on hand. 

 

I'm lonely a lot, I'm still adjusting to a new life/place...I miss my friends and the weather of my former home (34 years in the same area...this is a big change for me).  Still disappointed with myself for not having any enthusiasm or drive to help/be there for anyone but my kids/close friends.  I'm fresh out of compassion/inspiration...or if I do feel joy or notice beauty it is fleeting and it's back to pure survival mode.  Still freaking out about financial issues--will be speaking with Social Security later in the month when they switch me from SSI to my paltry retirement (hey, ladies...remember that being a stay-at-home mom doesn't pay into retirement)...cringing I might yet have to live in my beater truck.  I need to do things for my truck too, and wonder where the money will come from when it eventually breaks.

 

I have gone on a few adventures (I try to limit my driving), have made it up to Ashland to do major grocery shopping (no health food store anywhere near here--I am shocked by the produce in local stores) and visit with my restless and flighty younger son.  I always am sleep deprived and unable to fully *feel* anything, or it seeming as if I'm in some sort of movie.  The sudden blood-sugar drop outs keep me from hiking/walking as much as I would like but I continue to try...does anyone else get this??  My skepticism keeps me from buying whatever spiritual guru of the moment is peddling...we are here, it just is...and I worship trees/rocks/rivers/birds.

 

So yeah, mostly here to b****, to record my lack of progress...month 47...that's almost 4 years, folks. 

[hacilar]

I'm beside myself with anxiety--haven't slept since I went to the mailbox (PO) after returning from a week in sunnier climes a coupla hours south of here to help a friend.  O look!  What's in the mailbox??  Why, there's a letter from the local Social Security office, telling me about a phone appointment *that I missed* with threats of discontinuing my disability if I don't comply!  If I had stopped at the PO the day I came back, it would have been fine, but I was so exhausted from no sleep several nights in a row plus the migraine headache and thru the roof anxiety from driving on a major highway with very large, intimidating trucks....so I went straight home, unpacked the truck and chilled.  The phone actually rings while I'm lying there and I don't recognize the number, so shine it on, not being in the mood to deal with whatever.  SO STUPID!  What have I done?

 

So I missed the call.  I called the office and left a message for the assigned caseworker to get back to me and she doesn't.  Merry Fing Xmas!  Have a big heaping pile of anxiety with a side of super-charged cortisol zipping thru my veins, trembling...akathisia?  Try all the tricks, the breathing, the chanting and I'm having a hard time managing my fear.  Lovely set up for the holiday, eh?

 

It seems like since I moved last summer I'm on their radar...I already got a case review form *a month* after I moved, filled it out in terror, and got a letter back stating they didn't need to do more of a review at this time.  And then just a bit over a month ago I got another letter from the local office for a phone interview--who knew?  They signed me up for early retirement!...and SSI is suppose to make up the difference; that starts in March.  Or maybe not!  I have no idea what they want with me now and my mind reels with the possible senarios (sp)...I might be homeless soon.  There is no way I am able to deal with a job right now...I'll be 62 next month (4 years into PAWS/ID), and I'm still dealing with some pretty formidable symptoms.  I cannot see myself driving my sh*tty truck over the hill in the snow to work as an 'associate' at WalMart/Raley's...standing 8 hours a day.  My blood sugar drop-outs, the dizzyness, the MIGRAINE headaches...we're talking an average of 10 a month!  The cog fog/DP/DR...the inability to form sentences on bad days, the absolute inability to understand and remember what I've read.  Lord knows, I keep trying to challenge myself (trip to sunnier climes, attending Tuesday "Craft Circle", reading poetry, yoga class).  I'm also dealing with phantom smells...I keep smelling smoke, and there is none.  Ever since the fires this summer that kept most of us here in the valley indoors for the month of August.  Smelled smoke and ultrasensitive to toiletry products the whole time I was away and now here again, too.

 

Will I be homeless soon?  How will I manage that?  Talk about STRESS!

 

I haven't seen my 'biodynamic' cranial/sacral massage friend in weeks; she was out of town for a week and then I was.  I have no solid feedback from that.  Can't tell that the 3 treatments I've had have helped at all.

 

I'm worried that because I've been avoiding 'medical' people ever since this has started (did see a local nurse practitioner for my thyroid--I pay out of pocket$$$-and my generic Imitrex and alluded to my brain injury...) is going to bite me in the ass....Social Security wants me to be actively pursuing ways to treat my 'bipolar' and that means taking meds.  I guess I'd rather be homeless than take any more psych meds...and I find myself thinking more and more about just offing myself...my quality of life has not been good, or has been outright hell, for some time now.  I don't intend to linger in a nursing home at any rate--lots of us (my peers) are raising this issue.  I want to be the one who decides how and when I die.  O yeah, and Xmas alone...at least my Tday was nice.

[hacilar]

arrrrrgh

 

double post

[hacilar]

Have had periods of 'window-ish' relief, better sleep, but all nestled in the more dominant anxiety/panic brought on by The Letter. Nothing further from *them* yet.  Also my Internet habits have changed; antique MacBook threw a rod, so daughter kindly sent me her idle iPad...and it's just not the same.  Miss keyboards, can't watch YouTubes (never really could before with gig limits), and ignorant as to how to C & P links.  My Internet relationships are suffering...

 

My massage therapist friend gave me another of her 'biodynamic' training treatments yesterday, and while I think she is very gifted, I don't feel very much different from the usual sub-par sprinkled with anxiety and catastrophic thinking.  I have flashes where I'm inspired to get my art table set up, but then I think, "what's the use"?  I could be forced to give away all my art supplies, and the rest of my meager worldly goods if my income is stopped.

 

I did go to the clinic to document my distress...it was a good visit, I feel I connected with th NP...she did some labs, promised to hook me up with a <shudder> therapist, but there's been zero follow-thru.  If the labs were off, I'd hear from her, yeah?  I do wonder about seeing a therapist...it scares me when I feel my anxiety zoom out of control, just like in my past life...and finding myself at sea wrt death, my own, specifically...and the meaning of it all generally.  I thought I had that all squared away and it's disappointing to find myself so ungrounded again.

[hacilar]

I haven't had a computer for a year and a half, so if I don't do a complete update now I will get to it soon.  The crappy iPad that I had wouldn't load SA.

 

Still very symptomatic after all this time.

 

Insomnia continues to plague me with autodysnomia and stress intolerance closely tied for second.  Anxiety waxes and wanes.  So many alterations I've made to the way I conduct my life...my hours are weird due to my sleep issues.  I try to participate in community activities only to run up against my symptoms and extreme lack of endurance.  I plug on anyways and sometimes wonder if I'm pushing myself too hard, sending myself into a wave with too much on the calendar.

 

Continue to eat mostly organic, whole food, avoiding gluten...the only supplement I take with success is Vit. D.  I find it helps my mood very obviously.

 

Using cannabis, cultivars recommended for calming in the evening.

 

Migraines for days continue.  Try not to use the sumatriptan too often.

 

I am estranged from my entire family.  3 generations of toxicity is enough and I'm done playing.  My ideas of what family means are dead...I may be just as toxic as they are and I don't want to cause anyone any more damage.  Floating alone in the universe craving connection...

 

Gave BenzoBuddies another go, since it is more interactive and the latest group seemed more ummmm, supportive??? except I never really felt like I got any support when I needed it.  I'm a thread killer, it seems...

 

Edited August 27, 2019 by ChessieCat
removed unnecessary ####

[hacilar]

The deafening drumbeats for the "Positive People" and the "Timid Truthavoiders" over at BB have got me in a funk.

 

The protracted people are actively being thrown under the bus by the "Tone Police".  We must watch our every utterance (even tho WE feel bad, too) so we don't step on TT's 'feelers'.

 

Bah.  Why is it that we don't deserve support, too?  Why do we continually get questioned as to our 'underlying condition' or heavy hints that we''re somehow not telling the whole truth and are drinking/doping whatever...and my personal fave: Our poor attitudes are keeping us ill.

 

Sick of it. 

[LostInMarshes]

Hacilar, I like your vibe and am following your blog now. How have you been since October?

[hacilar]

Hi Stormstrong

I'd say I'm pretty much the same, except symptoms have been 'softer'. The months of December and January were bad tho; Trump has changed SSI/SSDI review schedules similar to what Britian has done...and people are dying. Reagan did the same and over 200,000 people lost their income and 20,000 people died. And now with the whole corona virus thing, I get the message loud and clear (as if I couldn't hear it before): Go die.

O yeah, my migraines have been relentless. My pharma triptan was changed due to rebound headaches, and the new med seems much gentler, with rare rebounds.

O yeah, the autodysnomia is as bad as it ever was.

The stress intolerance still on a hair trigger.

I feel like this life on this planet will be over soon for me. I am so tired and disgusted with this culture and my lack of traction in it.

I haven't been here in a long while; the new privacy notice gave me pause... I'm so sick of being revenued off of.

I hope your journey is not too rocky, and that you're experiencing flashes of joy that comes with small things.

Need to feed myself now but now that I got over the privacy crap, I'll check in on you later to get a sense of what you're about.

Best wishes...

[senseless]

5 hours ago, hacilar said:

Hi Stormstrong

I'd say I'm pretty much the same, except symptoms have been 'softer'. The months of December and January were bad tho; Trump has changed SSI/SSDI review schedules similar to what Britian has done...and people are dying. Reagan did the same and over 200,000 people lost their income and 20,000 people died. And now with the whole corona virus thing, I get the message loud and clear (as if I couldn't hear it before): Go die.

O yeah, my migraines have been relentless. My pharma triptan was changed due to rebound headaches, and the new med seems much gentler, with rare rebounds.

O yeah, the autodysnomia is as bad as it ever was.

The stress intolerance still on a hair trigger.

I feel like this life on this planet will be over soon for me. I am so tired and disgusted with this culture and my lack of traction in it.

I haven't been here in a long while; the new privacy notice gave me pause... I'm so sick of being revenued off of.

I hope your journey is not too rocky, and that you're experiencing flashes of joy that comes with small things.

Need to feed myself now but now that I got over the privacy crap, I'll check in on you later to get a sense of what you're about.

Best wishes...

 

Hi Halicar,

 

Im sorry that you have been through such a tough time and continue to do so.

Reading through your story you seem like such a strong person and it amazes me that you are able to push through such adversity.

You are a soldier.

 

I'm glad to hear your symptoms are at least improving somewhat?

How is your insomnia? 

[hacilar]

Hi senseless (it *so* IS)

After I posted yesterday, all these other annoyances that I have dealt with over the last 6 (I actually misremember *how long this has been going on!*) years sprang into conciousness. And today, right now, I've forgotton again...something something exercise intolerance, catastrophic thinking (or reality for some of us), cognitive issues ↑↑↑ and yes. The bloody insomnia.

In general, since mid February or so, after I settled down about my pending return to homelessness, sleep is better. Mind you, I keep crazy hours... I do not nap. For me, I need to go to bed extremely early (7pm) where I can always count on at least 4 hours (unless upset). I wake up to pee, and *usually* flip around for 1-2 hours, then sleep for another 2-3. Unlike many I know, I need at least 8 hours to feel at all human. Things get messed up when I have a migraine (most come on in the middle of the night) or if I get to sleep late. If I miss my 'opportunity' window (7-11ish) I just don't sleep. I miss out on so many 'normal' activities; haven't been out after dark in years...

I also have introduced CBDs/weed to help with the migraines (and sleep) but stayed away from all that the first few years for fear of damaging my poor brain more. But geez, after 6 flippin' years, I have no qualms. It helps now where in the beginning, there was too much anxiety involved.

Also new, or I'm just now getting a handle on it, is LOTS of food allergies; I avoid high histamine foods, a list of foods that give me migraines, a list of food to avoid for the Hashimoto's autoimmune thyroiditis...it just goes on and on.

So in general, I *am* better, right this moment, but as soon as there's any sort of threat or disturbance in the field (as it were) I'm back in the thick of it.

I see you're tapering an antipsychotic; best of luck to you🌞 I hope you have a smooth go of it! Hopefully since you took it for such a short time, you'll be back to your old self soon. If these drugs are to be dispensed at all, it seems to me that patients should first be tested for the MTHFR factor. 40% of the population is estimated to have the 'defect'. And here I am!

Please take good care all, and just keep putting one foot in front of the other...and on to the next adventure.

 

[smketdie]

How is the diet  hacilar? Can you enloghten me a little ? 

 

Thanks

Keep fighting with life.

[hacilar]

The dysautonomia is making my life hard. (NOT GETTING BETTER AFTER 9 years!!!) Throw "Let 'er Rip" Covid and the fact that my government does not give a **** if I become even more disabled or lose my life to a preventable Class 3 biohazard makes everyday life WAR.

 

No masks in heath care ANYMORE...no stats...no data to 'keep yourself safe'...you're on your own in this hell world.

 

My entire community think that if they're vaxxed, they're good to go...despite the Covid infections they acquire and the damage they accrue (airborne AIDS, anyone??)  There is no one in my area taking this seriously and I am more isolated than I've ever been in my life...people dying of heart/stroke issues and completely in the dark as to these sudden new diagnosis are happening cuz LET 'ER RIP!  The denial is ASTONISHING!

 

The psych drugs made my life hell after living in hell with the abusers...and now my life will be shortened cuz

MONEY IS ALL THAT MATTERS

 

#DavosSafe

 

What a world~

[hacilar]

As to the question about diet above; I have all kinds of food issues now...I have been lax in recent months and have paid the price.  Currently back on my KETO-ish diet..protein is all -- I suffer if not loaded up on protein (dysautonmia, undianosed cuz I'll be damned if I get Covid in a maskless 'medical' practice) and need to eat small meals often.

 

Migraines have been becoming more frequent, thus staying on my boring, soul-crushing elimination of everything fun and yummy...

 

I am so tired of feeling like **** and my mind runs to the future where there is nothing but pain and death.

 

I heard if one dies of Covid in the US, the government will pay up to 9,000$ for funeral expenses.

 

WHAT A DEAL!!!