sunflower: My story ...

[ten0275]

Sunflower, hi.

 

Really cool that you journal your days/symptoms the way you do. I did the same thing much earlier in withdrawal and found it to be extraordinarily useful. It helped me to not lose sight that some progress was being made and also, it gave me a clearer indication as to the distinct pattern of my personal withdrawal experience. Thanks for sharing your journey.

 

Hang in there.

Dave

[sunflower]

1-27-14

Insomnia...woke at 4:30ish

Less am anxiety/dread upon waking up

Put 1/4 teaspoon of Epsom salts into water to sip throughout day...found it really helped anxiety, but felt VERY irritable...maybe some underlying anxiety.

ES footbath around 9:00 pm...relaxing but couldn't fall asleep until after 11:i00 ish.

[sunflower]

Hi Dave,

 

Thanks for your feedback and encouragement!

 

Sunflower

[Pugknows]

I just love the 4:30am adrenaline wake up call. Who needs an alarm clock?

[sunflower]

Dear Pugknows,

 

[sunflower]

1-28-15

Cortisol spike causing 3:30 am wake up call

Put some ES in my water bottle and sipped it throughout the day; helped with anxiety; however felt somewhat "loopy" like an in-between state...anxious and somewhat numb at the same time

Irritability much less today

Ruminating thoughts decreased

Took a ES footbath; fell asleep faster than usual.

[sunflower]

1-29-15

4:30 am wake up call; however slept soundly.

Almost no anxiety/dread upon waking

Did not put any ES in my water and had a pretty anxiety free am; however, anxiety started up in the pm;; put some ES in water which kept it under control

Overall decent day

Plan to take an ES foot bath again tonight.

[sunflower]

1-30-15

Took ES foot bath last night

Slept soundly...but had cortisol wake-up at 4:30 am...

All day anxiety; able to keep it under control by sipping water with ES throughout day

Good pm

Purchased Natural Calm magnesium supplement and planning to start it tomorrow

[sunflower]

1-31-15

Took ES foot bath last night

Slept soundly until about five

Started using the Natural Calm today and must say it helped with the anxiety much better than putting the ES in my water bottle

Felt headachy around 2:00 pm; however was able to take a short, restful nap, woke up w/o headache

Overall good day

[Petunia]

Started using the Natural Calm today and must say it helped with the anxiety much better than putting the ES in my water bottle

 

That makes sense, ES isn't absorbed well when consumed, it acts more like a laxative.  I'm glad you have Natural Calm now.  Happy to hear you had a good day.

[sunflower]

02-01-15

Took ES Footbath last night...slept soundly until 5ish

Took Natural Calm this am and really helped with the anxiety without making me feel "loopy." However, began experiencing some pain in my right kidney area. Not sure if due to the ES I ingested this past week or due to the new supplement.

 

I'm really concerned that it may be the mag supplement because it has really helped with the anxiety/depression and I wouldn't want to have to stop using it.

 

Sunflower

[sunflower]

Did not do ES foot bath last night...Instead took some Natural Calm around 9:00 pm

Really tough night...woke up sweating profusely and broken sleep pattern throughout nite

Had some NC throughout day...helped with anxiety

Felt down throughout day and pm

Continue to experience discomfort near right kidney

 

Some sxs that have improved:

Obsessive thoughts

Anxiety

Malaise (overall sick feeling)...can't really describe

Chills

[sunflower]

Woke at 4:30ish.

Sipped 1/2 teaspoon of NC in water throughout the day.

Really helped with anxiety...obsessive thoughts...depression.

However pain in right kidney is not going away...so scared that I will have to discontinue the NC.

I've also caught a really bad cold and not feeling well.

Did not do ES foot-bath tonight.

[sunflower]

Been home with a virus yesterday and today; however feeling better

Havent't taken the Natural Calm to see if that's what's causing the right kidney pain; pain has decreased buy some anxiety/depression today

Haven't done ES baths in 2-3 nights; will try again tonight

Read that magnesium can cause kidney pain in people with kidney disease and I'm freaking out

May try magnesium oil

[sunflower]

Severe insomnia last night...didn't sleep at all

Wednesday slept all day and night

Although I spent all day in bed yesterday didn't sleep like I did on Wednesday

Stayed home another day and glad I did because feel worse than yesterday

Crying jags and intrusivee thoughts this am...being sick makes this process so much harder

Feel very alone!

[sunflower]

Spent yesterday resting; trying to get over this virus.

Had some crying jags and feelings of hopelessness in the am

Was able to go for a walk which helped

Slept well last night

[ten0275]

Sunflower, hello.

 

I'm sorry things have been difficult lately. The crying, the intrusive thoughts, the feelings of hopelessness. It is so hard, I know. You did such a good thing by going for a walk, and you were rewarded with a night of sound sleep.

 

You are brave and strong - your documentation of these struggles are evidence of these strong qualities.

 

You are never truly alone. We are all in the same foxhole. We take turns keeping watch, we take turns holding the lantern that illuminates the path leading to healing.

 

As a sunflower, it is your job to bloom and reflect. To blow with the breeze of adversity, but remain strong and steadfast. I think you do this very well, even when put to the test.

 

Hang in there.

 

Dave

[sunflower]

Hi Dave,

 

So good to hear from you. Thank you for your words of encouragement and so beautifully expressed.

 

Sunflower

[sunflower]

02-08-15

Slept well last night...woke up drenched in sweat...could be due to flu sxs

Still not feeling well due to flu-type sxs,...don't think it's AD flu because whole family has had it

Felt really fatigued this am

Went for a walk

Took a short nap

Feel some anxiety and down right now

[ten0275]

Sunflower, hello.

 

Sounds like a passable day, despite the symptoms. It's terrible the way the flu, or any ailment, exacerbates withdrawal. The whole nervous system is so primed and raw as it is. This year has been bad for flu and other viral icky things going around in the U.S. I've been sick more since October than I have been for a decade. Everyone around me seems to be too. Spring come soon. Waking up drenched in sweat is the pits.

 

Do you feel a sense of relief when you cry? When I was in the harder, more dire stages of withdrawal, I would watch movies that I knew would make me cry. I literally felt a biochemical change, a release, when I would allow those salty droplets to free-fall over my cheeks. It was exhausting, but I would often feel lighter.

 

In withdrawal, we find ourselves in a dark cave - a small fire lit in the center is our only light. This small fire is our spirit which refuses to be extinguished. The light from this small fire casts shadows on the wall of our cave. These shadows dance and change and horrify and confuse us in the early stages of withdrawal. But what we find as we heal is that the fire of our spirit grows brighter, more illuminating. And our understanding of how the whole process works solidifies. And the shadows that once frightened us begin to shrink as we realize that the cave is not as small as we once thought. And emboldened by our clearer, brighter view, we begin to see signs of the exit from the spot we have been contained in for what has seemed an eternity. In a sense, we have undergone a metamorphosis - the cave of withdrawal served as our cocoon. Be watchful for even the faintest signs that your fire is growing brighter, Sunflower. A night of sound sleep, a break in the mental chatter, a feeling of solidness as you walk. Take them as an indicator that healing is happening. You'll find the way. You'll one day be able to turn and face the door of the cave, from the outside, and walk away from it to your life that was waiting for you all along.

 

Hang in there.

 

Dave

[sunflower]

Hi Dave,

 

Thank you so much for your visit!  Wow, what a beautiful analogy...  I will  revisit this post often especially when I'm having a bad day.  

 

One of the things I find difficult about this journey is the lack of understanding from some of my loved ones as to why on earth I would want to get off this med especially if it is going to cause so much anguish.  At times, I ask myself the same question. However, it is something way deep inside I feel I must/should do.  

 

To answer your question about crying...yes often it is so helpful.  If I had to choose between the feelings of isolation, depression, physical sxs, I would most certainly choose the crying jags because at lease crying offers some type of relief/release.

 

Take care and again thank you for taking the  time to visit and for your beautiful words of  comfort and encouragement.

 

Sunflower

[sunflower]

2-9-15

Slept until 4:30 am

Was able to go to work...virus/bug finally working itself out of my system

Anxiety on and off all day; some feelings of dread; then depression hit this pm

Lack of appetite 

So difficult to work under these circumstances

Symptoms better this evening

 

Sunflower

[sunflower]

2-10-15

Woke at 4:30ish am

Am anxiety

Lack of appetite

On/off anxiety all day

Lack of motivation

Depression

[sunflower]

2-11-15 and 2-12-15

 

In a really bad place.

Have come to the conclusion that I cannot continue working feeling the way I do right now.

Have to speak to my Supervisor about resigning and I'm so upset and anxious.

[ten0275]

Sunflower, hey.

 

You're really hurting, aren't you? I can feel that in what you wrote. I'm really sad to hear you are feeling as you are. Would you be open to giving it a little more time before speaking to your supervisor? I would hate to see you resign your job and then have your wave break into a relatively nice window soon after. You know what I mean?

 

Is your job one in which you really need to be on point? I was fortunate in that while my job was demanding, I could control the amount of facetime with people. So for months, I accomplished the tasks as well as one can with applesauce brains, but didn't really communicate with most people. After I healed a lot and started talking to people at work about what happened to me, many told me they thought I was being snobbish and rude. I guess I was nearly 100% unresponsive. The other rumor was that I was dying, because I had lost so much weight and looked as if wasting. I can't imagine being a teacher or nurse or something like that. I knew someone going through benzo withdrawal and she was a maternity nurse. I have no idea how she muscled through that.

 

I am sorry you are suffering so much, Sunflower. I hope this simmers down for you soon. Hang in there, keep documenting, and know you are strong.

 

Dave

[sunflower]

Hi Dave,

 

Thank you so much for your response to my post. Yes hurting and very scared. The way I'm feeling reminds me of the way I felt almost 3 years ago when I ended up on 200 mgs of Zoloft from 100 mgs., Klonopin and Remeron and so very sick emotionally and physically. I was able to work back then because my job was not very stressful; however, I spent all my days off on the couch. I felt like the living dead. However, my current job is very stressful and it's a relatively new job since I started it in August 2014. I did speak with my Supervisor this evening and she was not very supportive or compassionate. She ended her conversation with me stating that she was very disappointed. After speaking with her I felt like such a loser.

 

Sunflower

[Pugknows]

You're not a loser, Sunflower. Your supervisor lacks compassion for another human being and life has a way of teaching lessons to people down the road that we can't see right now. You reached out to someone who didn't deserve your honesty. It happens. Whatever comes to pass with your job was meant to be. Don't beat yourself up. You did nothing wrong. ((hugs))

[Pugknows]

To your supervisor: Watch what toes you step on, on the way up, because those toes might be connected to the a** you have to kiss on the way down. (or something along those lines?)

[ten0275]

Sunflower, hey.

 

Pug said it right. If there is any "loser" in the equation, that would be your boss. Wait. Do you hear that? The faint roar of an engine and the sound of rubber meeting road? No, it couldn't be. Already? It IS! The Karma Bus has been set in motion! Her lack of compassion will come back to her some day. Or perhaps she already experienced a lack of compassion and is modeling herself after that. Regardless, that is unfortunate and you have my sincere compassion.

 

So that leaves you in a tight spot. What will you do? What is your intuitive response to this?

 

Hang in there, Sunflower.

 

Dave

[sunflower]

* Post moved from symptoms section

 

Dear SA,

 

Have any of you experienced improvement of depression/mood as you go down on medications?

 

Thank you.

 

Sunflower

Edited March 2, 2015 by Petunia
added note

[sunflower]

As you can see by my signature I was able to taper off a couple of meds and lower the Zoloft back to 100 mgs., which was my original dose. However, I am currently in a bad place and not sure how to proceed.

 

I began tapering Zoloft from 200 mgs to 100 mgs. Back in January 2013 and reached 100 mgs in February 2014. As you can see from my signature I took a few breaks to stabilize when I experienced wd sxs which included anxiety, headaches, crying jags, depression light-headedness, etc.

 

Once I reached 100 mgs I also experienced most of these wd sxs from February until March. The months of April and May were good as far as sxs go. However, in June I either had a bad wave or I experienced sxs again because I took the Zoloft late a few times. By the end of June the sxs were gone again until November when I changed the time I took the Z from 10:00 am to 8:00 am because it was easier for me not to forget to take it on time.

 

Since then I have once again begun to experience all the symptoms mentioned above including lack of appetite and insomnia. I know this doesn't make sense but I have been feeling so bad that I figured let me cut just a sliver of the 100mgs to see if I feel better. My logic was that there were times when I was tapering off the Klonopin that I would not stabilize and have to continue tapering and then I would feel better. I found the lower I got the better I felt.

 

I find myself in a really difficult place right now so any insight would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thank you.

 

Sunflower

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Sunflower,

 

I have put your recent post in your topic as it is one to a person in the intro forum, you can bookmark it so it is easier to find it again.

 

If you are 'dry cutting' the zoloft then how much are you really taking? If it is not the same amount every day then you might expect not to ever really feel stable. Is your ultimate goal to get off the zoloft or to stay on it? If you don't really want to taper then just stay on the drug at a measurable accurate dose for as long as it takes for symptoms to settle down.

 

Klonopin and zoloft are too different and I don't think it is quite right to expect to feel the same after cutting. Your tapers were a bit fast and could it be that things are catching up with you at this late date? Maybe not changing anything for a good long time is warranted and in the mean time support your body with nutrition rest and mild exercise until things settle down.

[LoveandLight]

Aww sunflower, I'm sorry. I resigned my job in December as I could not function and I regret so that I did and just didn't take time off. Best wishes with what you decide.

[ten0275]

Sunflower, hey.

 

Just checking in to let you know I am thinking about you. I read your most recent post. CW5600 made some very good points in her response. I hope you took some time to give that post a good read.

 

I wanted to add that stabilization is a strange thing. Interestingly, there have been times when I have made a cut and held for a long time. During the hold, things got better, but then would get worse again and stay bad. I would then make a cut - out of desperation for some sort of change - and oddly enough, I would feel better and go on to stabilize on the lower dose as typical for me. I don't really understand why this happens and it is something that probably should not be counted on, but it has happened with a few of my cuts.

 

I know you are struggling right now. And besides the horrid feelings of the withdrawal itself, you are dealing with your professional life and that is always a very intense and stressful life-arena to operate within.

 

Try to remember that withdrawal isn't so much something you've got to fix, as it is something you must see-to so that healing may occur. If we race hard and furious to find a solution, come up with a way, or make something happen - it may not necessarily be the correct path to healing. Be gentle with your system. You are such a diligent human being - I can tell by the way in which you document your days. Be diligent in your healing to the extent that you foster the atmosphere that your very capable body and mind need to once again, thrive.

 

Hang in there.

 

Dave

[Prestorb]

Hi Sunflower, I am so sorry you are suffering with both WD and stress from work. The WD is hard enough in and of itself. And I'm sorry that your supervisor is such a numbskull too! I've experienced very stressful work environments in the past, and actually took FMLA for about 12 weeks at one point - I CT'd from Lexapro about 5 years ago, and it was a disaster. Is a leave of absence an option for you? I am thankful now to NOT have to work, but I also miss it and sometimes feel the distraction is helpful - but only when it's not too stressful, and in my field, it was usually too stressful.

 

It does seem that the WD from tapering makes it very difficult to work full time unless there is a lot of understanding and flexibility. I am not seeing this from your post, and wonder if that is making your WD worse than it might be otherwise?

 

I don't know if any of this is helpful, but I hope you start feeling better soon and will pray that you do. Hugs to you! Rachel

[Prestorb]

Hi Sunflower, how is it going? Just noticed you had not posted in a bit, hope everything is ok... ☺️