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Member's original poetry


MisterSaunders

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added link to published poetry section(April 26th, 2018)mmt

http://survivingantidepressants.org/topic/17045-meaning-through-poetry-favorites-published/

 

 

I thought I'd try and have a little fun while I deal with tapering off these hellish pills. Enjoy!

 

 

 

"Doctor" I whined, "Help me, I'm so lost!'

"Worry not patient, take this, it's called Zoloft!"

 

"But what does it do?" I asked, holding the pill,

The doctor laughed first, and then fell perfectly still.

"Young man" he said softly, "Whatever the issue,

Take one of these, and I bet it will fix you."

 

I looked at him sceptically, I still wasn't sure

This magic pill, I'd heard of before!

A wonderful cure-all, a magic elixir,

Citalopram was one, another effexor.

 

I wanted to know that this was legit,

Others before this one were impossible to quit!

So I breathed in deep, and sat up straight:

"Take one yourself, if this thing is so great!"

 

"I don't need one" he said, "I am healthy and well!"

"If I took one now, it would put me through hell!"

I looked at him closely, to see if he'd break,

The tension was growing, and I saw his lip shake...

 

"Alright!" He screamed, "This pill isn't fine!"

"They paid me to say it! GlaxosmithKline!"

I pressed him for details, I wanted the facts

"If I took this pill, how would I react?"

 

"Okay", he said. "I'll tell you the details,

but remember the price at which this retails!

It cost's nothing to make, but increases wealth

of those who make it, but it's bad for your health!"

 

"We don't know for certain how these pills work,

but the side effects alone will drive you beserk!

You may crave carbohydrates as if they were air,

and 6 months from now you won't fit in your chair.

 

You came to me feeling melancholic,

Come back in 6 months as an alcoholic.

Prepare for insomnia, and get ready for dizzy

You'll need time off work! I hope you're not busy!"

 

I felt let down, upset and betrayed.

He looked sad too, he was obviously dismayed.

 

In fact I saw tears, and I knew he wasn't faking them:

"And this is before you try to stop taking them"

Edited by manymoretodays
merged some original member written poetry

2 years on Zoloft 100mg for Obsessive thoughts, anxiety and depression

2 Months on Effexor 

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

LOL, love it!  Thanks for sharing that with us, and for writing it in the first place.

 

Someone who's better at moving things around than me will probably move this to Off Topic or one of the other areas, since this area is for "intro and update" member threads, just to let you know in case it disappears. 

Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. 

Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010.  Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea.

 

Feb 15 2010:  300 mg Neurontin  200 Lamictal   10 Celexa      0.65 Xanax   and 5 mg Ambien 

Feb 10 2014:   62 Lamictal    1.1 Celexa         0.135 Xanax    1.8 Valium

Feb 10 2015:   50 Lamictal      0.875 Celexa    0.11 Xanax      1.5 Valium

Feb 15 2016:   47.5 Lamictal   0.75 Celexa      0.0875 Xanax    1.42 Valium    

2/12/20             12                       0.045               0.007                   1 

May 2021            7                       0.01                  0.0037                   1

 

I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Ha ha. This is great. Very clever

Please note - I am not a medical practitioner and I do not give medical advice. I offer an opinion based on my own experiences, reading and discussion with others.On Effexor for 2 months at the start of 2005. Had extreme insomnia as an adverse reaction. Changed to mirtazapine. Have been trying to get off since mid 2008 with numerous failures including CTs and slow (but not slow enough tapers)Have slow tapered at 10 per cent or less for years. I have liquid mirtazapine made at a compounding chemist.

Was on 1.6 ml as at 19 March 2014.

Dropped to 1.5 ml 7 June 2014. Dropped to 1.4 in about September.

Dropped to 1.3 on 20 December 2014. Dropped to 1.2 in mid Jan 2015.

Dropped to 1 ml in late Feb 2015. I think my old medication had run out of puff so I tried 1ml when I got the new stuff and it seems to be going ok. Sleep has been good over the last week (as of 13/3/15).

Dropped to 1/2 ml 14/11/15 Fatigue still there as are memory and cognition problems. Sleep is patchy but liveable compared to what it has been in the past.

 

DRUG FREE - as at 1st May 2017

 

>My intro post is here - http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2250-dalsaan

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  • Moderator Emeritus

love it :)

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Brilliant!  :D

**I am not a medical professional, if in doubt please consult a doctor with withdrawal knowledge.

 

 

Different drugs occasionally (mostly benzos) 1976 - 1981 (no problem)

1993 - 2002 in and out of hospital. every type of drug + ECT. Staring with seroxat

2002  effexor. 

Tapered  March 2012 to March 2013, ending with 5 beads.

Withdrawal April 2013 . Reinstated 5 beads reduced to 4 beads May 2013

Restarted taper  Nov 2013  

OFF EFFEXOR Feb 2015    :D 

Tapered atenolol and omeprazole Dec 2013 - May 2014

 

Tapering tramadol, Feb 2015 100mg , March 2015 50mg  

 July 2017 30mg.  May 15 2018 25mg

Taking fish oil, magnesium, B12, folic acid, bilberry eyebright for eye pressure. 

 

My story http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4199-hello-mammap-checking-in/page-33

 

Lesson learned, slow down taper at lower doses. Taper no more than 10% of CURRENT dose if possible

 

 

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I'm giving you a standing "o", Mister Saunders!! Wow!!

 

Anne

Oncologist prescribed Effexor 37.5 for hot flashes after my dx of breast cancer in December 2011. Up dosed to 75 then 150 XR before it worked. Decided to come off after my naturopath/nutritionist gave me a couple of supplements that worked on the hot flashes. Started weaning November 2013 from 150. Got down to 37.5 by mid-February 2014--WAY TOO FAST!! Found this site and am now going much slower. WD side effects are much better--still there-- but manageable. Lesson learned the hard way!!

 

Short RX for Xanax prescribed for PPD/anxiety after childbirth in 1985--about 3 months--can't remember dosage.

Effexor 150 XR March 2012dates are fuzzy)

Started taper November 2013

Mid February 2014--28 mg; 3/22/14--24 mg; 4/19/14--18.75 mg; 5/14/14--14.1 mg; 6/11/14--11.7 mg; 7/2/14--9.4 mg; 7/23/14--7.8 mg; 8/18/14--6.25 mg; 9/7/14--4.7 mg; 9/21/14--3.75 mg; 10/5/14--3.125 mg; 10/12/14 --2.56 mg; 10/19/14-2.34 mg; 10/26/14--1.56 mg; 11/2/14--1 mg; 11/9/14--.5 mg; 11/16/14--0 mg.

 

Current Rx:

 

Synthoid 100 mg daily

Cytomel 5 mg

Both due to thyroid cancer & subsequent removal of thyroid in June, 2010.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank you all!!! Xxx

2 years on Zoloft 100mg for Obsessive thoughts, anxiety and depression

2 Months on Effexor 

 

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Fantastic poem!

The only way out is through.

 

Aug 2013 - Augmentin leading to akathisia

Sept-Nov 2013 - Citalopram 20mg, severe reaction, off at 5mg. Valium 4mg, prn

Oct 2013 - 5 zopiclone tablets, 7.5mg

End Nov 2013-end Feb 2014, Seroquel, top dose 150mg, off at 25mg

End Nov 2013-early march 2014, Zoloft 100mg top dose, off at 25mg

End Dec-2013-early April 2014, lorazepam 1mg prn

April 3rd 2014 zoloft 5mg for a few days. 18/4/14 - zoloft, 1mg. Came off at 0.35 mg,14th June 2014

29 June 2014 - 1mg lorazepam, last ever

29 June 2014 - med free

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Wow really articulated very well

Was on Citalopram 20mg since Feb 2008 - switched to Paxil 20mg in August 2010

Tapered way too fast in April 2012 by skipping days. Taper completed in 6 weeks

Tried prozac 20mg for 3 days - felt spaced out, not better.

Tried 30mg Cymbalta for 2 days. SEVERE ADVERSE REACTION

Antidepressant free since 14 August 2012

Birth control on and off during this time - Last taken 18 June 2017 - Morning after pill 

Started mainly using 0.5mg Xanax beginning 2016 for severe panic attacks and anxiety due to trauma

Xanax on and off never more than 0.5mg at a time, never taking it 3 days in a row - used sparingly 

 

6 Years antidepressant free - Still in severe withdrawal with over 60 symptoms

Severe setback started May 2018 with no let up to date. Developed many new symptoms like tremors, inner vibrations, insomnia, visual distortions and dr/dp are 100x worse, i have severe sensitivity to movement, My dizziness and vertigo got worse and it now feels like im constantly rocking on a boat, my anxiety is sky high, suicidal idiation is back, i feel extremely brain damaged 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

They say truth is in poetry! Very good job!

1 year and 2 months on Venlafaxine, started 15o now 75

1 year and 1 month olanzapine /zyprexa/

off zyprexa 2 weeks ago

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  • 4 weeks later...

great poem MisterSaunders!  GOOD TO LAUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Been on various SSRI's since early 1990's. Prozac, mirtazapine, citalopram, Effexor to name a few.

Cymbalta 60mg for last 5 years.

Over 20 years of medication without breaks.

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"You came to me feeling melancholic,
Come back in 6 months as an alcoholic."

Wow...altogether a great poem!

2009: Cancer hospital said I had adjustment disorder because I thought they were doing it wrong. Their headshrinker prescribed Effexor, and my life set on a new course. I didn't know what was ahead, like a passenger on Disneyland's Matterhorn, smiling and waving as it climbs...clink, clink, clink.

2010: Post surgical accidental Effexor discontinuation by nurses, masked by intravenous Dilaudid. (The car is balanced at the top of the track.) I get home, pop a Vicodin, and ...

Whooosh...down, down, down, down, down...goes the trajectory of my life, up goes my mood and tendency to think everything is a good idea.
2012: After the bipolar jig was up, now a walking bag of unrelated symptoms, I went crazy on Daytrana (the Ritalin skin patch by Noven), because ADHD was a perfect fit for a bag of unrelated symptoms. I was prescribed Effexor for the nervousness of it, and things got neurological. An EEG showed enough activity to warrant an epilepsy diagnosis rather than non-epileptic ("psychogenic") seizures.

:o 2013-2014: Quit everything and got worse. I probably went through DAWS: dopamine agonist withdrawal syndrome. I drank to not feel, but I felt a lot: dread, fear, regret, grief: an utter sense of total loss of everything worth breathing about, for almost two years.

I was not suicidal but I wanted to be dead, at least dead to the experience of my own brain and body.

2015: I  began to recover after adding virgin coconut oil and organic grass-fed fed butter to a cup of instant coffee in the morning.

I did it hoping for mental acuity and better memory. After ten days of that, I was much better, mood-wise. Approximately neutral.

And, I experienced drowsiness. I could sleep. Not exactly happy, I did 30 days on Wellbutrin, because it had done me no harm in the past. 

I don't have the DAWS mood or state of mind. It never feel like doing anything if it means standing up.

In fact, I don't especially like moving. I'm a brain with a beanbag body.   :unsure:

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  • 7 months later...

 

 

After my depression started I discovered that writting poems relieves some pain.Here are some of them. Enjoy

 

Life is just another lie

 

So many places and nowhere to go

So many people and no one I know

I guess thats the way it is

Ticking of the clock

Another wasted precious hour

And nothingness

I think about loneliness and the meaning

Of happiness

And hope

I write stupid poetry

About love that I don't believe in

And looking for a friend that I never had

The world is covered in fog

And Im afraid

That we call it life

 

 

Friend

 

Pain in my chest

I guess its time to meet

I light up the cigarette

Forgot about sleep

I laugh and I scream

It doesn't matter

What makes us who we are

I won't forget and neither should you

We meet again my friend

How many times today I cannot count

You smile at me at the mirror

Youre in my tired eyes

We will always be together, you whisper

I silence you

Its time to sleep

 

Edited by manymoretodays
added link at top
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  • 2 months later...
  • 2 months later...

Pretence

 

I pretend everyday and say my life is ok???

But I regret a lot, too much to say

So I pretend and struggle everyday

Pretend to laugh, pretend to care,

Pretend I'm happy when people share

To say I am not happy means admitting alot

And to myself I'm not ready to stop!!

Trying to come off Effexor (venlafex XL 37.5mg prolonged release) second attempt tried two years ago and it's was the worst thing I ever experience in my life ... Was pill free about 10 days up until yesterday 9/8/15 when I had to take a tablet was feeling lost, confused, sick to my stomach, diahrea, brain zaps, crying, tired not tired, foggy brain, feel about twice my age and I'm only 35 .. I know some people say that it takes a few weeks for it to work but a lot of my mental symptoms have cleared today still emotional but no brain zaps and can string a sentence together ... Scared I might have to take this amount forever to be able to function!! Have been on Effexor for 5 years + not sure anymore don't have anyone who understands this and would really like some help to come off it without the life stopping side effects .. This is starting to effect my marriage and children's lives as I just don't really care through the fog!!???? feel so stuck in my life and can't move on don't know what to do!!

UPDATE:

Have managed to reduce my dose of 37.5mg by taking out beads

Am taking out 40 beads a day now(started with 10 then 20 etc) - hold this for about 4 weeks depending on WD symptoms

Night sweats are crazy, low energy at times, WD gets worse around my period and my mood plummets but realise now it's just a phase and does pass

All in all feeling better but have to remind myself to take each drop slowly as it can take up to two weeks for body to show WD issues

Update March 2016

Now taking out 100 beads from a 37.5mg generic Effexor .. Dropped by ten every 4 to 8 weeks except last drop went from 80 to 100 beads and can feel the difference in mood which is low, don't care, foggy head etc etc but going to stick it out for now as it will pass ????

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  • Moderator

Oooh.  Love.  I will try to add some someday......

Started with psycho meds/psychiatric care circa 1988.  In retrospect, and on contemplation, situational overwhelm.

Rounding up to 30 years of medications(30 medication trials, poly-pharmacy maximum was 3 at one time).

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!  Tapered @ 10% every 4 weeks, sometimes 2 weeks to

2016 Dec 16 medication free!!

Longer signature post here, with current supplements.

Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016. 

None of my posts are intended as medical advice.  Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider. manymoretodays

 

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summer is almost

 

over now.....  and I am not

 

healed enough yet

 

 

but in this moment

 

i can be all i ever

 

dreamed to be.......now

 

 

2 part haiku.....5-7-5 syllables

Started with psycho meds/psychiatric care circa 1988.  In retrospect, and on contemplation, situational overwhelm.

Rounding up to 30 years of medications(30 medication trials, poly-pharmacy maximum was 3 at one time).

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!  Tapered @ 10% every 4 weeks, sometimes 2 weeks to

2016 Dec 16 medication free!!

Longer signature post here, with current supplements.

Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016. 

None of my posts are intended as medical advice.  Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider. manymoretodays

 

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(any number syllable, any number of lines haiku or myku...even wound up with some corny rhyming stuff..... :mellow: )

 

the waves have stopped crashing

 

i am out of my boat

 

the beach is a window on which I now float

 

i do want my boat back and there it will be

 

today i be walking in sunshine and free

 

the sand is all warm and feels good on my feet

 

the sun is has just risen

 

this beach must be east

 

no body is out yet......it's beautiful here

 

but oh wait......i see a mule deer

Started with psycho meds/psychiatric care circa 1988.  In retrospect, and on contemplation, situational overwhelm.

Rounding up to 30 years of medications(30 medication trials, poly-pharmacy maximum was 3 at one time).

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!  Tapered @ 10% every 4 weeks, sometimes 2 weeks to

2016 Dec 16 medication free!!

Longer signature post here, with current supplements.

Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016. 

None of my posts are intended as medical advice.  Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider. manymoretodays

 

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All the poems here are very good and they are emotion provoking.

Celexa 20mg 2008-2012 for Social Anxiety

Failed attempt to stop reinstated

1 year taper skipping doses

Celexa free 12/2013

1/2014-5/2014 took 5 htp every other day

Failed Reinstatement 5mg of Celexa on 12/2014 for 5 days only

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  • Moderator

Myku.

 

And a longish one at that.

 

live from the southwest part of the country

Out of the monastery

the shanty survives and morphs once more

 

into the recovery/healing clearance home

of the brave

the boy has arrived

(pause for tears)

 

i have a housmate son

who needs my help yesterday

my most cherished person ever

(pause for sob again)

 

my finest creation with God's help(okay I had to capitilize his/her name)

seems okay today........average

now

 

felt happy and joy for a few

most definitely felt that sense

that it is going to turn out

right or left or middle or weird

 

but it is going to turn out

(gratitude sobs)

 

thank you

 

definitely a fine, fine tea time today

Started with psycho meds/psychiatric care circa 1988.  In retrospect, and on contemplation, situational overwhelm.

Rounding up to 30 years of medications(30 medication trials, poly-pharmacy maximum was 3 at one time).

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!  Tapered @ 10% every 4 weeks, sometimes 2 weeks to

2016 Dec 16 medication free!!

Longer signature post here, with current supplements.

Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016. 

None of my posts are intended as medical advice.  Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider. manymoretodays

 

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  • Moderator

I think I temporarily lost my muse

 

I sure have a lot of chores

 

This job of mine

 

At least the food perks are getting better

 

And the company is nice

 

Feeling rather contentedly purple

Started with psycho meds/psychiatric care circa 1988.  In retrospect, and on contemplation, situational overwhelm.

Rounding up to 30 years of medications(30 medication trials, poly-pharmacy maximum was 3 at one time).

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!  Tapered @ 10% every 4 weeks, sometimes 2 weeks to

2016 Dec 16 medication free!!

Longer signature post here, with current supplements.

Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016. 

None of my posts are intended as medical advice.  Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider. manymoretodays

 

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the idea came from

the last of my AM listening

write about love it said

 

so i will write about love?

who me

sunshine has gone to court

gman is 62

i posted

 

being loved

there that's better

i think

by one

and how

 

to return that grace

even while basking in it

 

oh i am such an interesting/not interesting

genetic mutation

in purple grey

 

i digress

how to be alone

and not say much

even to myself

and feel the sunshine

of the most magnificent sun

that i know

i should have brought tissues

sunglasses suffice

 

Love

a warm wind blows through it

Started with psycho meds/psychiatric care circa 1988.  In retrospect, and on contemplation, situational overwhelm.

Rounding up to 30 years of medications(30 medication trials, poly-pharmacy maximum was 3 at one time).

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!  Tapered @ 10% every 4 weeks, sometimes 2 weeks to

2016 Dec 16 medication free!!

Longer signature post here, with current supplements.

Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016. 

None of my posts are intended as medical advice.  Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider. manymoretodays

 

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Anti-D Withdrawal, medicinal dread

Cannot be described by some ink on a page

Normalcy's gone, the senses have fled

Put out by the synapses, freshly outraged

 

No one can know of their fate that awaits

Too strong and too fast for the quickest of wit

Inside the brain, transmitter debate

Horrid brain zaps, electric sew kit

 

The fight is not fit for the faintest of hearts

Warriors come to the battle and stay

Through all the levels, mental martial arts

Some will divert... some find their way

 

All share the same, sad ugly truth

A high price to pay to be mentally free

All will spend time in a state of uncouth

But all will defeat this Goliath with me

1996-2014 - 3mg Clonazepam - Started weaning off in 2010, took 4 years.  All is fine.

2010-2014 - 30mg - 180mg percocets per day.  Quit CT in 2014.  All is fine.

2010-2014 - Mixed in Suboxen while not on percs... 8mg-32mg per day.  Quit CT in 2014.  All is fine (I think)  Opiates don't fully work yet.

2015 - Quit smoking weed, all is fine.

2015- Stopped drinking, all is fine.

2015-  Stopped drinking coffee, all is fine.

2010-2014 - 10mg of Lexapro for first 2 years, then 15mg for another 2 years

Quit over 3 week period - still experiencing bad withdrawal, but very slowly getting better... too slow.  

9/4/2015 - Reinstated 1mg liquid Lexapro.  So far, it's not helping... maybe hurting but not sure yet.

9/5/2015 - Stopped the 1mg, made it worse.  I will ride it out, currently drug free.

 

"The harder the battle, the sweeter the victory"

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  • Moderator

Thank you Lost in Space.

Started with psycho meds/psychiatric care circa 1988.  In retrospect, and on contemplation, situational overwhelm.

Rounding up to 30 years of medications(30 medication trials, poly-pharmacy maximum was 3 at one time).

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!  Tapered @ 10% every 4 weeks, sometimes 2 weeks to

2016 Dec 16 medication free!!

Longer signature post here, with current supplements.

Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016. 

None of my posts are intended as medical advice.  Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider. manymoretodays

 

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you guys should write a book........... :D

06/2012 - 02/2015 CIPRALEX 10 mg (given by GP motivation: I developed left abdomen pain for ca. 2 yr probably due to MD stress) - prior to this NOT any significant episode of anxiety/depression - on medication: emotional-sexual numbness, total inability to cry, +8 kg even with going to the gym, mild fatigue -> abdominal pain gone

02/2015 - 1/04/2015 tapering from 10 mg to 0 mg because I had enough of the numbness following GP advise

05/05/2015 SUDDENLY never-had-before huge anxiety, burning skin sensation, panic, fear, not able to cry again, never-had-before insomnia, totally lost appetite, little loss of vision in one eye, sweating, chest pain, short breath, restlessness, accelerated heartbeat 

30/05/2015 reinstated 8mg (I was suggested 5 mg here, but I had a fight with my GP that he knows better...last time I gave him credibility -__- )

middle 07/2015 general improving

09/2015 quite stable 10/2015 start tapering 7mg  11/2015 6mg  12/2015 5mg 1/2016 4mg  2/2016 4mg  3/2016 3mg ->FAIL back to 4mg AGAIN.... 8/2016 3mg 8/2017 2mg  (had a very short wave in summer '17) 8/2018 2mg stable  8/2019 1mg  1/2020 tried  ~0.6 mg 1/4/2020 0mg FREE!

7/2020 till end 9/2020 MILD WD (mostly anxiety, poor sleep)

11/6/2021 13 MONTHS OFF FULL WD WAVE (anxiety, severe insomnia, total loss of appetite, deep depression, internal restlessness, sexuality gone) trying to resist 😫

SUPPLEMENTS 2021 0.5g melatonin, magnesium, eating a lot of fish + exercise, no alcol, very low caffeine, low carb

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:)

1996-2014 - 3mg Clonazepam - Started weaning off in 2010, took 4 years.  All is fine.

2010-2014 - 30mg - 180mg percocets per day.  Quit CT in 2014.  All is fine.

2010-2014 - Mixed in Suboxen while not on percs... 8mg-32mg per day.  Quit CT in 2014.  All is fine (I think)  Opiates don't fully work yet.

2015 - Quit smoking weed, all is fine.

2015- Stopped drinking, all is fine.

2015-  Stopped drinking coffee, all is fine.

2010-2014 - 10mg of Lexapro for first 2 years, then 15mg for another 2 years

Quit over 3 week period - still experiencing bad withdrawal, but very slowly getting better... too slow.  

9/4/2015 - Reinstated 1mg liquid Lexapro.  So far, it's not helping... maybe hurting but not sure yet.

9/5/2015 - Stopped the 1mg, made it worse.  I will ride it out, currently drug free.

 

"The harder the battle, the sweeter the victory"

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  • Moderator

I am going to attempt a share here from another site:

 

Meeting God in Your Self

I don’t always use the word God.
I say Universe. Or Spirit.
I do this because God is often a loaded word.
Filled with stories.
With fear.
With angst.
Filled with a history that hurts.
But in my own life, in my own head & heart…God is the word I use.
The word I use for the wholeness of it all.
The oneness.
The mighty unifying force of love.
I no longer believe in George Burns making deals on souls with a spicier version of himself.
To me, God is the all that is…God is love.

There are times when I forget that.
When I imagine that I need to beg and plead for God to show up in my life.
For love to work its magic and bring me what I want.
Desperately want.
It can be things.
People.
Clarity.
Whatever.
I want and I want and feel lost that I don’t have.
Lost that I can’t hold whatever it is I am thinking I need to make me happy.
To make me whole.
There are times when I forget that all I have to do is see the love.
Feel the love.
And step into the knowing of my wholeness.
There are times when I forget that this Adventure…my adventure…is on purpose.
By its very nature.
That my soul, my essence of the divine, has chosen this moment.
Chosen all of this.
With all of its choices.
And that I get to co-create with all that I am given.
Sometimes I forget that this moment is full of beauty.

In those moments of forgetting, I have learned to get really still.
Usually in the dark of night, snuggled up in bed.
And I listen for a moment.
Listening to the parts that rumble.
That beg.
Listening to the parts that think they need otherwise to have an amazing human experience.
Just listening.
Not yelling back at them, which is oh so tempting.
Not yelling because that makes the pattern of control spiral out.
If I can’t beg God to do what I want, then maybe I can yell at myself into stopping this ridiculous behavior.
Because I should know better, right?

The begging doesn’t work.
The yelling doesn’t work.
The listening, that works.
Or at least it creates a space.
A space in me where I can witness myself.
Where I can gain a hint of perspective.
I stand in that space.
In the relative quiet.
Moving into the gap between the noises.
It is in there that I find the truth.
And if I am willing to listen beyond the yelling and the lack and the fears then I can hear it.
Love.
Love loving every piece of me.
Even as the petulant child and the controlling diva energies play out.
Love, as me.
As my truth.
As the spark of God that flows through all of who I am.
Reminding me that there is nothing that the light doesn’t touch.
Nothing that isn’t love.
That isn’t God, in it’s own way.
All I have to let it flow.
Over me.
Through me.
To the parts that ache and yearn and seek to fix.
Not to fix them.
Not to make them better.
Not as a magic salve that somehow gives me everything I thought I needed to be ok.
Just to remind the parts that have forgotten, that they hold the spark as well.
That all is well.
That I am whole.

What if, in the moments of figuring.
Of chasing.
Of trying to make it all somehow better and different than it is.
What if you slowed down enough to listen?
To listen between the copious voices we all have in our heads?
And create space for you to once again meet the God of Love that is at the core of who you are?
What might you do with the love?
What you might you with the clarity?
What might you do when you remember who you are?

LOVE!
Jo Anna

P.S. If you dig what I wrote, I would really appreciate if you shared it!

 

And did it!  I also think she may be responsible for the concept of "self care does not equal self love".

(p.s. I am NOT Jo Anna but have followed some of her stuff)

Edited by manymoretodays

Started with psycho meds/psychiatric care circa 1988.  In retrospect, and on contemplation, situational overwhelm.

Rounding up to 30 years of medications(30 medication trials, poly-pharmacy maximum was 3 at one time).

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!  Tapered @ 10% every 4 weeks, sometimes 2 weeks to

2016 Dec 16 medication free!!

Longer signature post here, with current supplements.

Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016. 

None of my posts are intended as medical advice.  Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider. manymoretodays

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

so what happens to you when withdrawal loosens its grip?
when the smoldering ashes of visceral pain wisps smoke towards the firmament?
and finally you crawl from the vacuum of a desolate personal hell desert?
what happened to me?
i fell out into a new kind of technicolor.
where once an abyss tortured me,
and each breath was like wrenching air from poison water,
now scars glisten, painfully beautiful, in the sun -
and respiration's depth is limited only by the maximum capacity to inhale.
it used to be terrifying. so terrifying.
it used to be a matter of stringing one moment to the next, agonizing out the days.
tooth brush up, tooth brush down. chew the bread, chew the bread.

don't puke. you need the weight david, you need the weight.

steady hand. no let it go. let it shake.
it used to be not recognizing the face in the mirror,
and lamenting the ashen reflection slouching in the pane.
in the pain - but...
where once there was terror now resides an indomitable resolution.
in begging's stead, a conversation!
night brings not terror, no! but a silent guard...
i am fragile and i hold myself that way -
affording myself a delicate preservationist's hand
while picking up the scattered pieces of a life
dismembered, but never destroyed...

 

hang in there,

 

dave

1996 - .5mg Ativan as needed, 7.5mg Remeron daily2008 - .5mg Xanax, Ativan discontinued, Remeron continued2012 - .5mg Xanax, .25mg Ativan 3x daily, Remeron continued2/2012 - Jumped from Remeron, continued .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily4/2012 - Began rapid taper of .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily6/2012 - Jumped from Xanax and Ativan, voluntary hospitalization followed7/2012 - 2nd voluntary hospitalization, reinstated Remeron, bumped to 30mg, also given risperidone.8/2012 - discontinued risperidone, tried gabapentin, dicontinued gabapentin, Remeron 30mg continued10/2012 to current - tapered Remeron 10% every 4 to 6 weeks (sometimes more time) using liquid compound12/2014 - 2mg Remeron 1/16/2015 - 1.9mg Remeron 8/1/2015 -1.6mg Remeron - 03/1/2016 - 1.5mg Remeron - 1/2/2017 1.3mg - 5/7/2017 1.2mg - 5/13/2017 - syringe size change - 6/8/2017 - 1.1mg - 7/10/2017 - 1mg - 9/1/2017 - 0.9mg - 10/22/2017 - 0.8mg - 11/22/2017 - 0.7mg - 2/2/2018 - 0.6mg - 3/13/2018 - new compound pharmacy - 5/20/2018 - 0.5mg - 8/31/2018 - 0.4mg - 11/16/2018 - 0.3mg - 12/24/2018 - 0.2mg - 4/1/2019 - 0.1mg - 5/1/2019 - .05mg - 0mg achieved 2019-06-15. 🤞

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Loved the poem, Dave! 

-Effexor 150 mgs (2001-2009). Severe withdrawal symptoms during and after tapering for 6 months.  

-Pristiq 50 mg (2009-2012) Tapered over a year. Worst year of my life. 

-Prozac 20 mg (2012) Tapered over 6 moths to ease withdrawal. Still had severe WD symptoms. 

- (2012-2014) Doctor tried more than 20 medications for depression and WD, leaving me hypersensitive, and in protracted withdrawal. 

- Most debilitating symptoms during protracted withdrawal have been deep depression, anxiety, brain zaps, fatigue, akathisia, twitching, headaches and terrible PMS. 

-January 2015: Started Lamictal 12.5 mg, increased to 25 mg.- Bad reaction when updosed to 50 mg. Stopped. 

-February 2015: Doctor tried new antidepressant Brintellix - Horrible reaction. Discontinued completely. Severe AKATHISIA started.

-March 2015:  Started TMS therapy (Transcranial magnetic stimulation) for severe depression. Didn't work. 

-July 23-August 12: Had 10 ECT sessions which took away my protracted withdrawal symptoms including: akathisia, brain zaps, muscle twitches, fatigue and depression. Stopped medications. 

-September 2015: Experiencing bouts of depression again and muscle twitching. 

-March 2016: Started 20 mg Nortryptiline for depression. It helped. 

-August 2016: Slowly tapering Nortryptiline. 

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so what happens to you when withdrawal loosens its grip?

when the smoldering ashes of visceral pain wisps smoke towards the firmament?

and finally you crawl from the vacuum of a desolate personal hell desert?

what happened to me?

i fell out into a new kind of technicolor.

where once an abyss tortured me,

and each breath was like wrenching air from poison water,

now scars glisten, painfully beautiful, in the sun -

and respiration's depth is limited only by the maximum capacity to inhale.

it used to be terrifying. so terrifying.

it used to be a matter of stringing one moment to the next, agonizing out the days.

tooth brush up, tooth brush down. chew the bread, chew the bread.

don't puke. you need the weight david, you need the weight.

steady hand. no let it go. let it shake.

it used to be not recognizing the face in the mirror,

and lamenting the ashen reflection slouching in the pane.

in the pain - but...

where once there was terror now resides an indomitable resolution.

in begging's stead, a conversation!

night brings not terror, no! but a silent guard...

i am fragile and i hold myself that way -

affording myself a delicate preservationist's hand

while picking up the scattered pieces of a life

dismembered, but never destroyed...

 

hang in there,

 

dave

This is fantastic. Thank you.

2005-Zoloft bad reaction.....2006-Lexepro......2012-Upped Lexepro.......2013-Upped Lexepro......2/2014- Attempted Taper Lexepro...2/2014- Updosed Lexepro.......3/2014-Ativan.....5/2014- CT switch from Lexpro to Effexor.....

5/2014-7/2014-Tapered Ativan from 1mg to .25mg.....6/2014-Bad reaction to Effexor........7/2014- Rapid taper Effexor every other day......7/5/2014- Off Effexor.......7/2014-12/2014 - Ativan .25mg.......12/25/2014 -Taper Ativan by 4% due to paradoxical reaction .24mg...11/18/2015-Taper Ativan 1% CURRENTLY ON: .2376mg Ativan taken in 6 .0396mg doses.

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Good Stuff!

1996-2014 - 3mg Clonazepam - Started weaning off in 2010, took 4 years.  All is fine.

2010-2014 - 30mg - 180mg percocets per day.  Quit CT in 2014.  All is fine.

2010-2014 - Mixed in Suboxen while not on percs... 8mg-32mg per day.  Quit CT in 2014.  All is fine (I think)  Opiates don't fully work yet.

2015 - Quit smoking weed, all is fine.

2015- Stopped drinking, all is fine.

2015-  Stopped drinking coffee, all is fine.

2010-2014 - 10mg of Lexapro for first 2 years, then 15mg for another 2 years

Quit over 3 week period - still experiencing bad withdrawal, but very slowly getting better... too slow.  

9/4/2015 - Reinstated 1mg liquid Lexapro.  So far, it's not helping... maybe hurting but not sure yet.

9/5/2015 - Stopped the 1mg, made it worse.  I will ride it out, currently drug free.

 

"The harder the battle, the sweeter the victory"

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  • 2 years later...
  • Moderator

Where have all our poets gone?  Hopefully healed.  And oh, I should stress the power of getting or trying to get words out on paper.........in some, any creative way.........as far as how much it can help inrecovery/healing through W/D.  

 

And oh......B):).......not to be confused with daily symptom/drug pattern logs.  I know I sure got confused a lot early on.   Still do.....just more of an overwhelm though now........from time to time.

 

I would love to see some more creations here.  Don't be shy.

 

Love, peace, healing/inrecovery, and growth,

mmt

Edited by manymoretodays

Started with psycho meds/psychiatric care circa 1988.  In retrospect, and on contemplation, situational overwhelm.

Rounding up to 30 years of medications(30 medication trials, poly-pharmacy maximum was 3 at one time).

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!  Tapered @ 10% every 4 weeks, sometimes 2 weeks to

2016 Dec 16 medication free!!

Longer signature post here, with current supplements.

Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016. 

None of my posts are intended as medical advice.  Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider. manymoretodays

 

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On 20/02/2018 at 4:06 AM, manymoretodays said:

Where have all our poets gone? 

Hey MMT...I'm no poet but this is something I wrote a few years ago when practically CT off citalopram ...describing the shear terror when anxiety and panic take hold..

 

The Beast 

 

I feel like I am desperately gripping to the edge of a cliff

The waves are crashing on the jaggered rocks below

The terror is overwhelming

This beast is deliberately prising my fingers away...one by one

I don't know how much longer I can hang on 

Please god, give me strength...

I don't want to fall

  • Citalopram 20mg - 40mg ~ approx 2010 - October 2015 (stopped over one week)
  • Parnate  20mg - 50mg and olazapine 5mg ~ Jan 2016 - May 2016 (ceased over 2 days) 
  • Lithium 450mg-900 mg and Thyroxin ~May 2016 - May 2017
  • Diazepam various doses (including PRN) ~ 2015 - 2017
  • Oxazepam various doses (including PRN) ~ May 2016 - June 2016
  • Lurasidone 20mg ~Mid May 2016 - Mid June 2016
  • Vortioxetine 10mg - 20mg ~ 6th June 2016 - 20th July 2016 (abruptly ceased)
  • Amitriptyline 200mg ~July 2016 - September 2016 (ceased over 1 week)
  • Nortriptyline  (dose ?) ~October 2016 ~ November 2016 (abruptly ceased)
  • Seroquel XR 100mg - 300mg ~ May 2016 - August 2017 (ceased over 3 weeks)
  • Escitalopram 10mg - 30mg ~ August 2016 - March 2017 (ceased over 2 weeks)
  • Bupropion 300mg ~ December 2016 - May 2017 (ceased over 1 week)
  • Clonazepam 1.5mg daily ~ July 2016 (started tapering May 2017 - September 2017 currently on 0.375mg..ie 0.125mg TDS) 27th May 2018 5% 0.357mg (possible paradoxical reaction - see benzo thread)  28th June 5% 0.337mg, 28th July 10% 0.303mg, 12th September10% 0.272mg, 18th September reinstated 10% due to intolerable WD 0.303mg, 1st October-11th Oct 10% (1% reduction over 10 days) 0.272mg, 22nd October clonazepam ceased crossed over 10mg diazepam
  •  Dexamphatamine 20mg ~ December 2016 (started tapering October 2017 - tapered 1.25mg 4th Dec 2017, 1.25mg 19th Dec 2017 6.25mg, Speed up decrease due to major interaction between Dex and fluoxetine- ref to thread 10% 17th Feb 2018 5.63mg, 10% 21st Feb 2018 5.1mg, 10% 26th Feb 2018 4.5mg 10% 28th Feb 4.1mg, 10% 1st March 3.7mg, 10% 5th March 3.3mg, 10% 8th March 3mg, 10% 10th March 2.7mg, 10% 12th March 2.4mg, 10% 14th March 2.16mg, 10% 16th March 1.94mg, 10% 18th March 1.74mg, 10% 20th March 1.57mg, 10% 21st March 1.41mg, 10% 22nd March 1.26mg, 10% 23rd March 1.13mg, 10% 24th March 1.01mg, 10% 25th March 0.9mg, 10% 27th March 0.81mg, 10% 29th March 0.73mg, 10% 31st March 0.66mg, 10% 2nd April 0.59mg , 10% 4th April 0.53mg, 10% 6th April 0.47mg, 10% 8th April 0.42mg, 10%10th April 0.37mg, 11th April 0.2mg, 12th April 0.1mg (last dose) OFF! 
  • Fluoxetine 40mg ~December 2016 - 31 Jan 2018 reduced to 20mg (probable serotonin toxicity) 10th March 2020 10mg, 7th April 9mg, 1st May 8.5mg, 15th May 8.0mg, 27th May 7.5mg, 8th Sept 7.2mg, 2nd Oct 7mg, 19th Oct 6.8mg, 28th Oct 6.6mg, 5th Nov 6.4mg, 26th Nov 6mg, 2nd April 2021 5.9mg, 9th April 5.8mg, 19th April 5.75mg, 22nd April 5.7mg, 26th April 5.65mg,28th April 5.6mg, 1st May 5.5mg, 4th May 5.45mg, 7th May 5.4mg, 10th May 5.35mg, 12th May 5.3mg, 15th May 5.25mg, 18th May 5.2mg, 20th May 5.15mg, 22nd May 5mg, 10th July 4.5mg, 9th Aug 4.48mg (switched from syringe to pipette method), 12th Aug 4.46mg, 14th Aug 4.4mg, 18th Aug 4.38mg, 19th Aug 4.36mg, 20th Aug 4.34, 21st 4.32mg, 22nd 4.3mg, 23rd Aug 4mg (hold)
  • Diazepam 10mg ~ 22nd Oct 2018, 10th November 8mg, 14th Nov 7mg, 8th December 6mg, 30th December 5mg (Nocte), 7th March 2019 4.5mg,14th March 4mg, 5th April 3.5mg, 9th April 3mg, 18th April 2.5mg,1st May 2mg, 17th May 1.75mg, 25th May 1.6mg, 4th June 1.59mg, 5th June 1.58mg, 6th June 1.57mg, 7th June 1.56mg, 8th June 1.55mg, 22nd June 1.4mg, 4th July 1.2mg, 16th July 1mg, 30th July 0.8mg, 13th Aug 0.6mg, 28th Aug 0.4mg, 10th Sept 0.2mg, 23rd Sept Off! 
  • SR Circadin 2mg (melatonin) 25th May - 20th June 
  • Zolpidem 10mg 25th May (7 tablets)
  • Supplements: Magnesium glycinate (soluble - sip throughout the day) 

 

"Whenever you feel yourself doubting how far you can go,  just remember how far you have come.  Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome"    Unknown 

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  • Moderator

It's beautiful Kristine!  Thank youB)  You haven't fallen yet!

Started with psycho meds/psychiatric care circa 1988.  In retrospect, and on contemplation, situational overwhelm.

Rounding up to 30 years of medications(30 medication trials, poly-pharmacy maximum was 3 at one time).

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!  Tapered @ 10% every 4 weeks, sometimes 2 weeks to

2016 Dec 16 medication free!!

Longer signature post here, with current supplements.

Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016. 

None of my posts are intended as medical advice.  Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider. manymoretodays

 

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  • manymoretodays changed the title to Poems by crimsonking and other members
  • 2 months later...

thought i would post a couple short medication related poems of mine.

 

this first one is just a short parody of a stanza from the 1960"s pop group, the Animals song "We got to get out of this place".   It's based on my experience at a psych ward in Minneapolis when i was forced on a heavy cocktail of risperdol, prozac, and paxil where i became brain damaged and lost the ability to speak and developed akithisia where i could do no more than pace in circles all day barely able to hold my head up.  It lasted 6 months- the length of my court commitment.  

 

It's a tough world

to get a break in

When your rights

have been taken away

And the psychiatrist's need

to experiment on you

Can't be slaken     (slaken-  an old english word meaning "quenched")

 

this one is also based on those experiences.   It's entitled the "The Psychiatrist"

 

The Psychiatrist

----------------------------

His pills amount to fool's gold

His labcoat-  starched and antiseptically white

He professes to be a doctor

But he's a neuro-nazi in my sight.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Court committed to take Prozac, Paxci, and Respiradol from 8/95 to 3/96.   developed severe akithisia and brain damage.  Was unable to speak and walking in circles 15 hours a day.  Went in for 5 sessions of ECT during a 10 day period in March of '96 and my forced medication was discontinued at that time.  My akithisia and brain damage cleared up within a few days of stopping the meds.

 

On Zoloft (200 mg) and Zyprexa (17.5 mg) March 1998- Feb 2014

In between was placed on Effexor 200 mg and Abilify for six months in 2004.  Developed mild akithisia which went away once I stopped the Abilify.  Developed severe GI issues in Dec 2001 and from that time on suffered from fatigue and hypersomnia where I would sleep between 12 and 20 hours a day and rarely ever left my apartment. 

 

Had tapered to 100 mg of Zoloft and 7.5 mg of Zyprexa at the time of going cold turkey Feb. 2014

Went 5 days without sleep at the beginning while vomiting all over my apt.  Had brain zaps for a number of weeks and also lightheadedness which both eventually went away.  However 2 1/2 yrs later I still struggle with insomnia, depression, and fatigue.

 

 

 

 

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This next poem is based on my experience with withdrawal in 2005, where i had cold turkey'd zoloft and zyprexa.  Just a few weeks prior to going off the drugs, i had been held up at gunpoint by a group of early 20 somethings while on my way home from getting groceries one night and had my wallet stolen.  i had been only a block from my apartment complex at the time of the mugging and called the police as soon as i made it home.  Two police officers showed up and i gave them the details of mugging. 

 

 Later on,  it came up in conversation with the officers that i was taking an anti depressant (zoloft.  i was also on zyprexa).  As soon as the officer who had been taking down the report found out that i was taking zoloft, he turned to me and said "You know what?  I think you are making the whole thing up."  and threatened to have me arrested and later tried to coerce me into making a confession.  Two days later,  there was a violent assault in one of the units of the large apartment complex that i lived in.  When police investigated the assault, they found a handgun and my wallet.  i was never apologized to and the police never gave me back my wallet, claiming it as evidence.   It was with this experience fresh in my mind, that i quit the drugs a couple weeks later.  i had felt pretty good originally but eventually starting coming undone, saying "Guten tag"  and "Wie Heiss Du?"  to people i met along the walking path before  becoming really unhinged and depressed about 6 months into wd.  i ended up in group home a few months later and had to go back on the drugs as a condition of getting a room in the group home.  i stablized pretty well and began writing rhymed verse.   i had never really written much before and didn't really enjoy poetry at all in school, so it was a bit of a strange experience.   This first poem is about my experience in wd

 

What the Madman Said

---------------------------------------

              Part 1

I do not pretend to do any good works 

In the denominations of making sense or spreading kindness

But I'll tell you what i can do

I can say 'toodles' to you, pack my books, 

and eat my shoe.

             Part 2

I just talk to myself

Because i have no one 

Who believes and cleaves to me.

 

this next poem is a collection of short vignettes of my life, some real, some imagined.  i basically have treated events in my life as short news blurbs.  The title of the poem is Police Blotter.  A police blotter is just a daily record of events and other events at a police station

 

Police Blotter

----------------------

Society labels man deranged

Man replies, "So what

If from the human race i am estranged."

 

Man spends a lifetime staring out the window

Swallowing psychiatric pills against his will

Muses, "i wish i had found hunky-dory love

                   instead with a french fille."                (fille- French for 'girl')

 

Soured man reveals his burial plan

Says, "Just dig a hole and throw me in.

I don't see why the funeral parlor

Or mortuary service need to make gin."     (  "make gin' - to make a fortune)

 

Man feels better

After throwing away his television

Says, " i got tired of all the bogus hopes and false elation."  

 

 

 

 

Court committed to take Prozac, Paxci, and Respiradol from 8/95 to 3/96.   developed severe akithisia and brain damage.  Was unable to speak and walking in circles 15 hours a day.  Went in for 5 sessions of ECT during a 10 day period in March of '96 and my forced medication was discontinued at that time.  My akithisia and brain damage cleared up within a few days of stopping the meds.

 

On Zoloft (200 mg) and Zyprexa (17.5 mg) March 1998- Feb 2014

In between was placed on Effexor 200 mg and Abilify for six months in 2004.  Developed mild akithisia which went away once I stopped the Abilify.  Developed severe GI issues in Dec 2001 and from that time on suffered from fatigue and hypersomnia where I would sleep between 12 and 20 hours a day and rarely ever left my apartment. 

 

Had tapered to 100 mg of Zoloft and 7.5 mg of Zyprexa at the time of going cold turkey Feb. 2014

Went 5 days without sleep at the beginning while vomiting all over my apt.  Had brain zaps for a number of weeks and also lightheadedness which both eventually went away.  However 2 1/2 yrs later I still struggle with insomnia, depression, and fatigue.

 

 

 

 

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